Sleepy post

This is my late night sleepy post because I'm bored. I decided to cancel the road trip because its cheaper to fly and ship my crap home. Finally got paid so I went grocery shopping and cooked myself a big meal with a big dessert. I finished The Aviator and now am watching As Good As It Gets. Two OCD movies in one night. I hope I'm not affected. If I were perhaps that would cause me to be less lazy. I've got work to do. But its not like I'm gonna get up and do anything right now. I'm thinking about making a phone call. It would just be stupid rambling but that's every conversation I have. If I can just get up off the couch. I seem to get stuck here everytime. No plans for New Years', just like the last 22 years. I really don't care to celebrate to tell you the truth. I'm happy to see a new year come but I don't feel like going anywhere. I'm tired. I missed Sex and the City tonight. Just realized it. OK I'm gone. Good Night all. Happy New Year.

I probably am crazy...

Lately someone has tried to drill into me that I'm crazy. I told him that I must be crazy to deal with him, no normal person could do it. I think he's the one that's crazy and he's made me crazy by association. That has to be it. I believe I was relatively sane before I met him. Of course every woman can be driven to that "Thin Line Between Love & Hate" craziness or have thought about it. I'm definitely not there at all. And if you think I am, you're crazy!

Because I started talking to Tiff about this we came up with different crazy spellings.

Crazy with a Q=Qurazy
All brilliant people are said to be a lil off. Artists and geniuses. I would be ok with being qurazy. Even though I think R. Kelly might be qurazy. Forget that! I don't wanna be grouped in the same category with him. Trapped in the closet. Hecks no!

Crazy with K=Krazy
Funny like Martin. You so Krazy.

Crazy with a capital Z= CraZy
That 'thin line' crazy and deranged. Might slash your tires and call everybody in your phonebook to tell them you pee in the bed at night.

I have always believed people that study psychology are crazy. Probably because they are trying to learn the most they can about the human brain in order to figure out what is wrong with them. Sorry to say I have a few friends who were psych majors and I tell them all the time that they are crazy.

Remember me

*wipes the tears from her eyes* There are very few words to say how I'm feeling right now. I thank God for you as well. Through all the good and bad times, knowing you has been an experience that has changed my life. It was touch and go there for a second. I thought you were ready to get rid of me. I'm glad we met in Davidson and I know this won't be the last time we hang out. Don't get all brand new in a couple years and forget about me. I love you t h e o r y. In a non-lesbionic way, of course.


On a side note:
That reminds me because I was talking to Milyaka the other day and she'd run into an old, old "friend" of hers in the mall. I'm talking about they went to middle school together. In high school, the three of us went just about everywhere together. Before we could drive it was one of our parents or older siblings that took us everywhere. I used to get yelled at because my family was doing most of the driving and this particular person never volunteered her family. Anyway Milyaka was in the mall and as she always acts when she's excited, I'm sure she almost wrestled the girl to the ground. Milyaka told me that she looked at her like she couldn't quite place her then said, "Oh hey". I can imagine the shock that Milyaka was going through, but knowing this
person I'm not that surprised.

Back to what I saying....

I would never play any of my friends like that and if they were to play me like that, we obviously weren't friends. I pray that the friends I have now are always in my life. I can count the friends I have at home on one hand. Right now I can't imagine making friends who are closer to me than the ones I have now. I love them with my whole heart.

There is only one person I cannot bring myself to call. I feel bad about it too. We used to hang tight. Of course she was one person that none of my friends could stand for more than 5 minutes. I was the only person that could take her in large doses. And afterwhile she wore me down too. She basically took herself out of circulation by moving across the bridge, she stopped calling and so did I. Even though I still wonder what she's doing, I can't bring myself to call her. Tiff knows exactly how I feel. She's the kind of person that just sucks you in and you feel like you may never get back out. Like a tornado. Of course like I said she doesn't call me either. But if she did call, I would answer.

This is the longest good-bye I've ever had. I think that's a good thing. The longer the good -bye, then longer you get to keep those people around. Here's to long good-byes.

Looking back......

I was thinking about my dinner at Dr. Mitchell's house yesterday and I was cracking up. Their neighbor made me feel like I was at an interview.

So when are you getting married?
Uh well it doesn't look to good. I don't have any prospects right now.
Are you a Delta? An AKA?(Both his wife and Dr. Mitchell are Deltas)
Umm no.....
Are you going to grad school?
Yes, I just have to decide where and how to pay for it.
What are you going to do when you get to Oklahoma?
Work my butt off to get out of there ASAP and spend some time with my baby.
So what are we going to do when you leave? We've formed this bond and now you're leaving us.
I don't know.......I wish there was something I could do.

I had such a good time there. Her family is like the cutest thing ever. Makes you wonder what's wrong. But I believe its possible for some people to have it together. I would be so fortunate to have a family life like that someday.

Are you happy now?

I went somewhere for Christmas, are you people happy now? Because I've been stupidly staying up late for no good reason, I had to drag myself out of bed to go to church. I had a funny dream though involving Tyra Banks as one of my good friends and Dwayne Wade playing in my hair. It was enjoyable. But yes, I did make it to church on time and I wasn't sitting in the back. I got to sit in my preferred section up front and in the middle. The sermon was wonderful and I'm glad I went.

When I got home I attempted to make my first batch of lemon bars. It was unsuccessful. No one will be subjected to these lemon bars. They just need a lil tweeking. Baking is a science ya know. I spent Christmas dinner with my favorite marketing professor Dr. Mitchell. It was a really good time. So much food. So much laughter.

(The rain just started outside it sounds like a bucket of water was just dropped on my apartment.)

They invited their neighbors over who were an older couple. They were so cute. So yes I'm glad I went. She is one person I would love to keep in touch with. Now I think I'ma drop out early and go to sleep, like now.

Christmas is here

With none of my close friends being here in Hampton and all of them begging me to go spend Christmas with someone, I started to feel like I just wanted to stay home by myself. I've been invited into many peoples' homes. Lots of people have told me they are worried about me and that they don't want me to be alone on Christmas. And I think that's sweet they are concerned. But the way I feel is if I can't spend Christmas with my family I don't want to spend it with anyone else's family. Then I thought that if I just sat at home by myself then I wouldn't be celebrating Christmas which is the basis of my religion. I think I downplayed the importance of this day like so many other people do today. Like Christmas is just another day when it's not. I am so thankful for my Lord Jesus Christ and I want to celebrate his birth in any way I can. I will be attending church in the morning and I'm looking forward to it.

At the same time, I am OK with spending Christmas alone if I have to. I am never alone. There are always people around me. When I get home there will always be people around, so I'm going to enjoy every moment of my peace and quiet that I can.

Its crazy that so many people are sad this time of year. If you listen to the some of the holiday music at this time, most of it is really sad. But for me I know that I'm not alone in life. I have wonderful friends and family who love me. They just are not here right now. I'll still love them after the holiday and I will see them again.

I realize that I could be at home right now if I had quit my job earlier and just bounced before the holidays. That's my fault. Hindsight is 20/20 ya know. But I'm still enjoying the last of my time in Hampton before I'm really tired of it.

Procrastination at its worst

I may be putting too much of my information out there, but this just shows how bored I am and how far I will go to put off work for as long as I can.

First job: Telemarketing at this place called TCIM, worst job ever, quit five weeks later
First screen name: awdimplesHU
First funeral: My cousin
First pet: i think it was a fish named Speedy. He could do laps like no other
First piercing: My ears, other than that the belly button the day of high school graduation
First tattoo: No tattoos, too permanent
First credit card: Bank of America ruined my credit when I started college
First kiss: I don't want to divulge his name, I don't think he knows he was my first kiss and I was 16.
First enemy: My sister. She had it out for me from day one.

*Last*
Last car ride: Long distance? I went to Baltimore with Adrianne this summer for a wedding
Last kiss: Aww, Good-bye to my sugar bear.
Last movie watched: JoJo Dancer came on last night
Last beverage drank: bottled Lipton Tea
Last phone call: Chris to tell him that you can see the connections on facebook, don't put too much of your business on the street.
Last CD played: Mary J. Blige, The Breakthrough. My new favorite song is Take me as I am
Last website visited: Moviefone, I'm trying to see Memoirs of a Geisha, with or without someone else.

*Now*
Single or taken: Single
Gender: Have always been Female
Birthday: 3/11
Sign: Pisces
Siblings: An older sister and younger half brother
Hair color: Dark brown
Eye color: Brown
Shoe size: 9 1/2
Height: 5'8
Wearing: Black tank and jeans
Thinking about: Getting off my butt and starting to clean or going to sleep

I should be doing something right now.....

I have so much to do today. It's my only day off so I must cram everything I have to do into this day. What am I doing right now? I'm on the internet, wrappin my gifff, that's right giFFF not gifT, for my secret santa, and talking to Tiffani. At least I'm multi-tasking.

I think I'm gonna ask my neighbor friend to see Memiors of a Geisha. Tiff thinks this is because he's half asian. I point that he's chinese not japanese. But then again so are the stars of this film.....

Tiff is askin me whether I watched Christmas with the Browns last night. Of course not! I don't watch that mess. But she's informed me that Bobbi- Christina has slimmed down and she seems very suburban......So that probably means she already has an eating disorder and a drug habit in the works. With her parents being Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston she's already working against some pretty hard odds. Let us pray for the Browns.

So yeah I need to get off and cook something for myself... But what I'd planned to do was bring my gift for my secret santa while steal some of the food from my co-workers since the managers are cooking and I was not scheduled today. I think it was a conspiracy.

It's my big sisters' birthday today! She's 25 years old! OMG no she's 26 years old! She's in her late 20's now. Oh boy.....That means I'm not too far off.. You know it always comes back to me. But I called her this morning to wish her happy birthday. She didn't sound too enthusiastic. But that's how she always sounds. HAPPY 26TH BIRTHDAY MANDA RAY. Thats how I make her name extra country. She hates that. Love you sister!

So yeah, I got nothin...

One more tiring day at work today. I had the hardest time getting up this morning and definitely couldn't find anything to wear. My hair needs to be washed so I just put it in a ponytail. I hate ponytails. When I was in the sixth grade that was the only hairstyle I knew how to fix when I started to do my own hair. I burnt myself out on them.

I don't know what possesed me to stay up until 3am last night knowing I had to be at work at 10am this morning. I was definitely late to work even though I only stay five minutes away.

One my regular customers came in today. The woman who has been telling me to go home to my mother since I started working there. She's still telling me to go home but now its because she thinks I'm getting too thin. So she bought me lunch. I ate it too. Little does she know that its not because I can't afford to eat that I'm losing weight. It's more like I'm too lazy to get up in the morning to make breakfast, too lazy to pack a lunch, too tired to cook dinner. No wonder I'm losing weight. I eat when I can. And little does she know my mom doesn't cook either. I'm pretty much on my own there too. The sad thing is that she can throw down. Doesn't that make you mad? I got off of work at a reasonable hour and I'm really tired but I'm gonna cook something tonight. I got the day off tomorrow so I can finally start packing and clean my house thoroughly.

Waiting on the meat to thaw out now.

Just four more shopping days...

Today was my first day off in a long while. I think I woke up with the sun hoping my money finally was deposited in the bank. I paid some bills while talking on IM to someone who doesn't matter. (Just kidding homie, you matter......to someone. Not sure who that someone is though.) Then I dragged myself off to the shower so that me and Theory could go to breakfast. WE had a wonderful breakfast buffet at Shoney's. We felt like we had to pile everything on our plates since we got there 15 minutes before it was over. It was a good time. I was feeling all contemplative about life saying things like, "The future man.......what's out there?"

Paid my cell phone bill since they are so prompt at cuttin me off. (Don't you like how I said that like its their fault I didn't pay my bill instead of mine?) Then when I got home I went to go visit my neighbors since I hadn't seen them in a long time. The one everyone calls D-O-double-G was there so we sat talked for a while. I always liked to see him smile because when he smiles he looks like a little kid. I can see him as he was when he was lil boy. It's so cute. He told me he's writing book of poetry. While I was there he recited some for me and said I'd inspired him to write one. See, its just that darn sexiness. I can't turn it off people. I just can't.

When I told him I was moving home he asked me why I don't get a man to take care of me. I told him I could never do that. I'd feel so.....what's the word? Inadequate. I'll just let my mother help me out while she's offering. And he said, "Some of us aren't so fortunate to have our mothers take care of us." And I say well since I am that fortunate, I'm going home. But let's get one thing straight. I don't look at this situation as my mother taking care of me. I look at it as adding my income to the household and we can all help to build one another up. As soon as I get my finances together, I'm getting out and you can believe that. I'm way too independent to get complacent about living with my mother. I was itching to get out during middle school and high school, so you can best believe I will be on my grind when I get there. I just want something that is mine. I realize that it takes more than one person to make a success. Thank God I have my family to support me and they haven't just kicked me out on the street to survive on my own.

I did most of my Christmas shopping but everyone will get their presents after Christmas because no one will be here. I must say I think I out did myself this year. Probably because I have money this year. Thats never happened before. It was an eventful day. I started out not being able to find anything. After a while I didn't even want to shop.....but then I got to Forever 21 and that jump start my shopping nerve. It was a beautiful thing. Do we have a Forever 21 at home? Ima have to check that out...... I got some wonderful purchases. Now I'm spent.

What is ahead for me?

Man I dunno. But God says, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11. So I'm not worried.

I really had to fight to get up and go to church this morning because I didn't wanna go. I slept past my alarm, dragged myself into shower, put on the wackest outfit ever, couldn't find my socks so I went without, slapped my hair into a ponytail and was still late. Then when I got to church it seems that everyone decided to come today. I sat in the back on the aisle in one of those folding chairs next to the pew. At least I wasn't in the overflow. I never felt so underdressed in my life. Seems like last week when I had to work, they told everyone to buy a new suit and wear it TODAY.

But I'm so glad I went. The Lord has blessed me tremendously and I'm so thankful.

Tiff came down to visit and although it was short, it was a great time. We did our usual drive bys (where we drop by peoples' houses unannounced) and went out to eat. At the end of it I was beggin her not to go. Thats my homie!

But the next day I was sooo tired and I still had to work. When a customer casually asked me how I was doing I replied,
I need some coffee...... I just didn't feel like doing the whole cordial 'Oh yeah I'm fine.'
She said What do you want? I'll get it for you.
I said Oh no I can't allow you to do that. It just seems so wrong.
She said I'll get it for you, what do you want?
I say, Cappucino?

This lady got me a cappucino and it was the best cappucino I'd ever had!

The blessings didn't stop there. One of my favorite customers came in and just brightened up my day. She's an older white lady. She came in, saw me and said, "Hey girlfriend!" Then when she was leaving she gave me a hug and it just felt good in my spirit.

THEN One of my co-workers points to a bag and says that's yours. It turns out a customer had given me and a my co-worker COACH bags for Christmas. AWWW!

It was a beautiful day thanks to the Lord.

I hung out with my Peanut last night. I haven't seen him in a long time since neither one of have cars and I never go to Hampton's campus. This is another blessing I meant to mention. Since Adrianne loves me so much she left her laptop and her car in my possession so now I can write you a new blog everyday and I don't have to take the bus anymore. Hallelujah!

So I went to go see him and we hung out at his house. Just basically catching up, we haven't had a real conversation in a long time. I missed my Peanut.

yes I'm that sexy!

Hey I cannot help my mass sex appeal. Young, old, black, white. Yup they all want me. I mean people try to tell me that guys aren't always hitting on me, but it sounds like a come on to me. Example:

At a party, my friends' date is sitting alone. I casually sit down and ask why he's not mingling with the other guests.
He says: Well they seem to come to me. Like you.
I say: What happens when we run out of things to say?
He says: I guess we'll dance then.
Looking at the empty dance floor I say: But no one else is dancing......
Then he says: I guess it will just be us.

Now what does that sound like to you? Huh?

At work, this guy who had to be at least 110 says to my co-worker, Me and her are going out tonight, while pointing to me.

On several occasions married men have given me the eye while with their wives. Granted some were in wheelchairs, but still! Yes I know, you're so jealous!

As I prepare to go home, several men have requested that I take advantage of them. I'm just that sexy! I must kindly resist......

All this evidence, EVIDENCE, shocking evidence that I just can't turn all of this off. I know you girls understand, especially you Holly!

Finally hitting home

I'm finally starting to realize that I will be leaving here soon. It kind of amazes me how I react to things. Right now when everyone I know from Hampton is leaving to go home for Christmas break, I'm starting to think about that when they come back I won't be here. It is the end of an era. In some ways I have been ready for this era to come to an end for a while, but I cannot lie I am a lil sad. I refuse to cry though. While living here I've cried enough to last me a couple years. I'm looking forward to not crying for a while.

But of course most people don't know I cry. Most people think I handle things with as little emotion as possible. In public view this is true. But on the inside I feel things hard. You can't allow people to see all those things. People already view me as an sweet, innocent person who doesn't get angry or sad, who is content with whatever happens to me. Maybe I don't do anything to fight this image of myself. Is it better to look like someone who is OK with what happens to her or show that she is obviously emotionally flawed? By no means do I say that I don't have feelings, obviously I do. But do I have to let everyone else know that? Yes I know some people who have a problem with the way I handle my situations. Tiff says I should go to the Starting Over house to deal with my issues of confrontation. In the theory of fight or flight, I would be the one who flies if she can, fights if she has to. I had to say bye to some of my close friends this weekend. I'm surprised at how sad I was not. Should I be sad? Perhaps if someone acted as if they were sad to see me go I would be sad. I dropped a tear because Adrianne began to tear up. Mostly everyone else has been like, Holla, see you when I see you! Maybe they are being strong for me. Is it helping? Eh, not really. I don't know how I should handle this good-bye. Get all the emotion out and be sad for a couple months or be strong, go out like a soldier and suck it up. I think I'll choose the latter for this situation. It's easier that way. Besides I know the people that matter are going to be there for life. I'm not afraid of losing them. The ones that I never see again, it obviously just wasn't meant.


Reflecting back on my 4+ years its been great, horrible, beautiful, peaceful, blessed, stressed, fun, scary, tiring, exciting, just about anything you can think of. Just as life should be. I hope that I don't look back on these years as the best years of my life. Even though they have been great.

On the same note, everyone is so surprised that I'm not going home for Christmas. Like its the worst thing that could ever happen. I just don't see why its so detrimental. I mean everyone acts like its more important to be home for a holiday than at any other time. I mean the audacity of some folks to just come out say. "You're going to be so miserable." Who says that? I just figured I'll be there in January so what's the big deal? I love my family more than anything and yes we have great times during the holidays, but I'm just not stressing it. I'm on my way folks and I'll get through this holiday just fine. Don't be rushing me!


Now that I got that off my chest, I feel a lil better.

Women's Appreciation

I got suckered into going to this women’s appreciation thing held by a fraternity at HU. Their idea of women’s appreciation is back massages with oil in a dark candlelit room feeding women strawberries and grapes while playing Jodeci and 112. I guess that would be ideal to some women. I on the other hand hate being touched by strangers, and it was way too much an intimate setting to have so many people in it. It seemed more like an orgy than a celebration of women. Call me a hater, ungrateful or whatever but its just not my thing. I mean at this point I can’t be getting massaged with oil listening to Jodeci and 112. I’m trying to stay focused. They trying to get me caught up! If Ima get massaged let it be while watching cartoons or something. That way there ain’t no mood setting going on. *wink*


Rent
I saw Rent on the day that rent was due. WARNING: This is a musical, If you don’t like musicals this movie may not be for you. They break into song at any moment. I say this because while Adrianne was at the hair salon some girl said, “Do NOT go see that movie Rent! They sang all the way through that movie!” (Picture this with a ghetto accent). Of course we love musicals so it was great. WARNING #2 There is homosexuality in the movie so beware. This movie is not for kids. It was good though, I would see it again.

Living everyday to the fullest....eh not really

When I should be trying to take advantage of every last day I have with my Hampton folks....I'm not. I'm working my butt off trying to get some money in the bank before I leave.

I was talking to my cousin on the phone and after we'd hung up, she calls back and tells me seriously pray on this whole moving matter because she just wants me to be where God wants me to be. So I instantly think Is she having doubts? Does she think I shouldn't move back home? What would be my alternative? I can't change my mind now! So I decided to get serious about this decision and so I decided to fast so that I could hear from God more clearly. What should I fast from? Not food, I can't afford to lose anymore weight. What else do I do? So I decided to fast from TV. And I only allowed myself an hour a day. Yesterday was my first day on this fast. I figured I'd get so much more done without TV. I ate and fell asleep at 10pm. So me concentrating on what God has to tell me isn't going so well. But tomorrow is my first day off, we'll see how that goes. Pray for me y'all. I don't wanna be disobedient. I'm still not feeling going home, but I don't wanna stay here either.

Last week while everyone went home for Thanksgiving I stayed and my girl Adrianne let me babysit her Cougar. I've always known it was a blessing to have a car, but its just sooo great. I also found that would be as close to being late as I possibly could. That's not good. On Thanksgiving Day, I ate with my girls Kiana and Yanni. We did it up big. We had wayyy too much food, but that's how its supposed to be on T-day. This week, I'm back on the bus and trying to be appreciative. It's oh so hard.

My temporary boyfriend is back. The neighbor. He's been on the boat forever. I refuse to call him my boyfriend. Adrianne does it because she knows I hate it. Chris says he's just trying to get in my pants. He could be right. All these movies and ice cream is just sexual inuendo (is that how you spell it?). Eh, well keep em coming, try really hard because I could benefit from this.

True Happiness

I feel so overwhelmed by how blessed I am. I truly could not have asked for a better group of friends. Scratch that, I don't have any friends. I have a big family. This is my love letter to you all. I don't call just anyone my friend. These are the people I have adopted into my heart. I take them everyday as who they are. No doubt, they can get on my nerves to the very core, but with family you gotta forgive and move on. And don't get me wrong, I need a break every now and then just like everyone else. But when I look back on how they have supported me and loved me, I get very emotional. So here's to you...Tiffani, Milyaka, Adrianne, Holly, Kiana, Kyhra, Reese, Danielle, Larry, Michele, Donnie, Crystal, Chris (yeah you too), Aaron, Jessica, Sigele, Kory. I love you guys so much, I just wanna say thank you and thank God for sending you to me.

My kinda Friday

What am I doin on this crispy Friday night? We sittin out on the balcony with some hot cocoa and the laptop, listening to music, watchin the neighborhood happen. As Adrianne just told me, I sure am a cheap date. That's what I keep telling people! I'm not hard to please at all! Last Friday we went out for dinner and a movie. Which consisted of Adrianne packin up some fried chicken wings and some macaroni and cheese in a shoe box and watchin The Wizard of Oz at the laundromat. It was a good time! This is what we do. I'ma miss this kinda stuff.

Got reconnected with an old friend which was a real surprise to me because he popped up at my job. He was the last person I expected to see, but at the same time part of me expected it. I'd had a dream that morning that I saw him and just so happens there he was. Kinda scary. I be knowing things. It was a good time.

Me and Tiff decided we could have a section of the blog called Stupid things said by Arienne and Tiffani. I won't put her out there this time, but just know its coming because I'm building a collection in my mind.

Thats all I got right now, my fingers are going numb.

Giving Up?

I don’t wanna say giving up, more like coming to my senses. It truly pays to never say never. I said I’d never go back to Tulsa, Ok. I said it was NOT an option. I said that I would go anywhere else but back to Tulsa. Now I’m gonna eat my words because I’m going back. At least for awhile. I can’t save any money here. I can’t get a car which I really need. My mother presented the option to me, that I could save some money without the pressure of extra bills. In OK, I would have access to a car whereas while I’m here every time I wanna go somewhere I feel like I’m bothering someone and most of the time I am. And even though I’ve gotten used to taking the bus to work, I don’t know how to get anywhere else on it. Besides, its not very time efficient. Who wants to wait an hour for a ride that may or may not come when your errand only takes five minutes. I can’t look for another job because I don’t have the internet. I don’t have the internet because my computer is a dinosaur. My computer is a dinosaur because I can’t afford to get a new one.

I thought it would be less stressful for ME if I was to stay here. I have my own space here, an escape. At home there are people always in my face. No one can irk me like my family. But now I realize that I was being more selfish trying to stay here and straining myself and my family financially. When I could be helping someone else, I was thinking about myself.

I ‘m starting to get excited about going home, being around people who really love me. Like really, really love me. Not that there aren’t people here who love me and who I love, but I feel that in this college culture everyone is looking out for only themselves, including me. I feel like its not productive to my ultimate development.

Even my sister is excited about me coming home. I don’t know where that came from. We’ve always been better sisters in different states. Milyaka, my best friend, has already posted it in the newspapers that I’m on my way. There’s been a lady that comes to my job every week just to tell me I should go home. Since this is what everyone else thinks I should do, it really has made me not want to go. I have a problem with my stubbornness.

I saw the scariest thing on Dr. Phil. Mooching kids. Thirty-six year old adults living with their parents. That is the last thing I want to be. I have enough ambition not lay up under anyone.

Being here has shaped who I am and all I want to do is be independent. Free from depending on anyone and trust me as soon as I can, I’m getting out of there. I don’t want to be sheltered, I don’t want to be the baby, but at the same time I don’t want to become harder than I have to be to survive.

I feel like its all for a reason and I think there is a tremendous lesson for me in OK. So I’m going to see what it is. Tiff is gonna ride cross country with me in a U-haul. My homegirl Danielle has suggested we take a camera. That would be interesting. Can you imagine that? You’re already laughing, I can tell. Will anyone in VA miss me? Of course you will, even if you don’t know it yet.

Yeah....

So I met the hook-up guy and he was definitely not the truth. We still have nothing to talk about and he didn't inspire me to say much. Kiana made me promise I would be nice. I tried but I can only be me. I've never been nice to any of the guys I've talked to and I'm not saying thats right but I'm not making an exception for someone I'm not even interested in. I went out to a soiree last night. Definitely not worth all the money I paid for it, but it was a good time. I'm trying to find fun without alcohol. It's hard y'all and that's sad. Where's Tiff with the Now or Laters when I need her???

My Peanut

The first guy I met at Hampton University. Our meeting was so cute. It would be the story we told our kids if we ever got married. We met during freshman registration. Now students register online, then we had to stand in line for hours.

This being the first week of school I only knew about 3 or 4 people including my roommate and none of them were in my major. The entire school of business was registering at the same time. While standing in my line socializing with some girls in my major I lookup and see a guy in a pastel pink and white polo shirt in horizontal stripes. My first and only thought was, “He must be very secure in his sexuality to wear pink.”

I finally got through registration and somehow we finished at the time. We had our first conversation on the long walk back from the Convocation Center. I only remember a few things about that conversation. We talked about me being from Oklahoma and he missed his mom which I thought was incredibly sweet. It was one of the best first conversations I’ve ever had with a guy. He was funny, the conversation flowed very nicely and it was relaxed. It was only later that I realized how cute he was.

He was and is the biggest crush I’ve ever had. My knees literally would get weak when I saw him. I remember almost collapsing in the cafeteria when I spotted his white tee. I had to grab the railing to keep from falling. I’d find ways to go over to his dorm using my now roommate Larry as my excuse to be in a male dorm since I knew him from high school. Funny thing was I rarely called Larry when I got there. Hmm.

That second semester he got a girlfriend and I started talking to someone. My crush feelings faded. The next year it developed into an internet friendship. We rarely hung out but we talked on the internet all the time. It was the greatest thing and I just felt a connection to him. Throughout the other girls and guys we went through we remain homies.

When he pledged we fell out of contact, but I understood under the circumstances. Then with Greek letters comes more popularity and the inevitable groupies. Y’all know I ain’t no groupie, so I fell back. I gave him the name Peanut because I didn’t really like his real name and his lil peanut shaped head. It’s not cruel, it’s endearing. He answers to it. Even my friends call him Peanut. Nevertheless, he’s my Peanut and always will be.

He revealed to me years later that he had a crush on me then too, but somehow we never got it together. It’s probably best that way. That doesn’t matter; I can say without a doubt that I love him like family. It’s not the same, but it makes me happy whenever I see him. Good memories.

What am I supposed to do?

So this guy Kiana is trying to fix me up with is coming to homecoming. He lives in Boston. From what she tells me he has a great body and he’s really sweet. But come on guys that’s definitely not all there is. I need someone I can feel. Someone I can talk to everyday. This guy and I have talked four times since June. We have nothing to talk about, but for some reason he has loved the thought of me since then.

On the 13th my phone was disconnected which I think is funny timing since that was the day that my middle school friend, lets call him Tulsa, was coming to town. The first thing I thought of was that he was trying to call me and I wanted to turn my phone back on immediately. Then I thought well if he had been calling, he wouldn’t have to reach me at the last minute. I seriously contemplated not turning my phone back on just so I wouldn’t have to worry whether he would call or not. Of course, I paid the bill and he did call. I played it cool, ‘yeah my phone was off….’, like it happens every other day. (It does). He promised to call after the show so we could talk in person.

While waiting for Tulsa’s call, I mean hanging out with my girls, Boston calls. We talk about homecoming and I tell him I’m not excited because all people are gonna be doing is drinking and partying and I don’t want to do either. He asks why don’t you drink anymore. I say well I’ve rededicated my life to the Lord so….

Side bar: I hate having to make that announcement. Don’t get me wrong, in no way am I ashamed of being a Christian. It just sounds so cliché. Like an excuse or in some peoples’ cases like they’re judging others just by saying I follow Jesus Christ. Plus most people don’t really know what it means to be Christian anyway. Just because you believe in Jesus does not make you a Christian. Faith without works is dead, James 2:17.

Anyway, he says I’ll call you back in five minutes. I’m thinking that should be the end of this because usually the Lord scares dudes off. But he calls me back at midnight and I don’t answer. Kiana yells at me because she’s in love with his best friend and says I’m ruining her future. Sorry homie but why do I have to suffer for your future? Why did he call me the next morning at 7:57 AM!!!? I dunno but something about this morning call intrigued me. My roommate Larry says I’m attracted to the weirdest guys. If there’s something off about a guy I’ll think its interesting. I tried to talk to him once again but it was still awkward. How do I end this? Do I do an Adrianne? Where do you see this going? I see this going NOWHERE!

I never got to see Tulsa while he was in town which kind of angers me. I mean I hate when people say they are going to do something and don’t. That’s a pet peeve of mine. Do what you say! I’ve given up on he and I being friends. He’s way too “busy” which was also the problem we had two years ago. In the back of my mind, I was really cheering for Tulsa. The very first time we talked on this phone this man was quoting Scripture! There’s nothing more that’ll give a girl fever than a man who knows his Bible. I mean he looks real good on paper…….. and in person too. He just seems to be too “busy” and if he’s not interested, I don’t have the time or energy to chase him down. I refuse to do that. Does that seem stubborn?

Then I look at things in reality. God is teaching me so much about myself, my friends, life in general that I don’t need to be distracted by any males. I hate long distance relationships, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t understand me and I think I need to clear my heart and head before I start up with someone else.

Anonymous and I were never in the same place emotionally at the same time but I think the thing that kept us going is that mutual interest in one another. I think the thing that kept us apart is trust and that’s the main staple of any relationship. Why did I mention that? Iono I just thought it was relevant. At least I liked talking to him even if most of it was arguing it was interesting. I will not settle for less.

Dreamin

Tiff asked me if I could do anything and money was no object what would I do? I was like uhh Iono pay my bills and go shopping…? She said that’s it? And I’m thinking, Yeah. You don’t know how hard it was to reach beyond the reality of my situation. I haven’t dreamed about anything in a long time. I’ve been going with the flow for so long that I’ve allowed myself to end up in some places that I don’t want to be. When I was little I wanted to do so much but in reality it really wasn’t possible. My parents weren’t the encouraging type. They were more the ‘I’m just trying to keep a roof over your head so deal with what we have’ type. I may have wanted to dance, but there was no way to get to or pay for classes. I’ve been singing in one way or another since the fourth grade and I sorta just quit when I got to college because I knew it was not something I wanted to pursue. I’ve got a decent voice and with practice, it could be pretty but I’m not the attention seeking type.

God has given me many artistic gifts and I’ve not wanted to use any of them for a career. Why? I think its because careers in art are so unpredictable plus you have to be ultra talented to be noticed and I don’t think I really believed in my talent. I know in my head that I’m good at a lot of things but in my heart the desire is just not there. I think of that song that says ‘With our gifts we exalt thee’ and I think if I wanted to be a fashion designer could I exalt God with my clothes? When I thought of a “Christian occupation”, I thought would have to be a missionary working with kids or the elderly in Africa. But if I really wanted to give God the glory it would be best to do something that I’m interested in: fashion. Let’s face people clothes are getting out of control and teen clothing is getting way too grown. I could do it.

Anyway, after that conversation, I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to do without a limit and I found I have more dreams than I thought. I wrote a five year goal list and a one year goal list to get my motivation started. I envy ambition. I’m working on getting some. At one point, I could honestly say I had NONE. No goals, ambition or dreams. I never had plan before. I didn’t even see myself graduating from college, but I did it with honors. Now that I think about it, since I had no plan I’m in a place where I don’t want to be. Because I now realize that, I don’t plan on being somewhere I don’t want to be for long. I’m using my situation to my advantage. It’s a new me.

Why me?

Why me?
You’d be surprised how many times I’ve heard that. You won’t ever hear me say that. The only exception I would make is if it was to ask someone why they specifically did something to me. It seems people feel the need to ask why certain events are happening to them that are out of their control. As if it’s some type of personal attack on their lives. I see it like this: if I’m in a certain situation or place, it’s for a reason. It’s time people take responsibility for who they are. Why is this happening to you? Perhaps you helped to place yourself in this situation. If so, step up and take care of business. I believe its because either you need to be prepared for future events or you’ve already been prepared for this situation. Why you? Because it’s supposed to be you. Stop complaining because you can handle it. Apparently, God has put me here to do something. Now find out what it is and do it.

3:46am October 10

Can’t sleep at all. When I was lying there with the lights off all these thoughts were running through my head. Now that I’m up, I can’t think of anything.

Serenity was not bad at all. If you’re willing to take a risk I suggest you go see it. Red Eye I could waited until video.

I sometimes wonder if my neighbor and I are dating without my knowledge. Ice cream, flowers, movies… I don’t wanna be the substitute girlfriend. Its weird.

I thoroughly enjoyed Alicia Keys’ unplugged I missed the first time around but I caught it this weekend I’m glad to see that Diddy got some more attractive and talented girls this time around. I shall be tuned in.

I want to sleep but I can’t. I can’t.

I caught up with my first college roomie. Love her to death! I think we talked for about three hours until her phone cut off.

How come Carrie from Sex & the City is the only one who doesn’t work out but she has the best abs? Is it the Manolo’s?

I’m starting to thin I need less sleep at night. I’m tired by 5pm, but its easier for me to get up in the morning if I have less sleep.

My computer keeps blinking from the pink screen to the regular screen. I don’t get it.

Being financially responsible is hard!

Randomness

Mr. Anonymous and I have called a truce. I realized that it was not healthy to hang on to all that anger I was feeling and I was angry. I prayed before I called and Thank God, the conversation was civilized. I didn’t yell or curse. We actually had a good conversation and I admit that I missed talking to him. I said everything I wanted to say, got it off my chest, hopefully he did too and now he truly knows how I feel. I think the thing that hurt me the most is realizing that he did not feel the same way I did which was evident through his thoughts and actions. There was so much potential. I still care for and about him, but I now know that we both have more growing to do individually. I learned so much from this experience, both good and bad, that I will remember forever.


I really appreciate the comments and love I’ve gotten from readers and friends. I LOVE reading the comments and seeing that someone FEELS what I’m saying. My neighbor and homie has made me feel so appreciated this week. He took me out for Cold Stone where one small cup of ice cream is the same price as a gallon at the grocery store and he surprised me with a beautiful yellow rose. That really brightened up my week.


Man, my life feels so empty now that Tiff’s phone is off. I could expect at least 3 calls from her. Now no one calls. I understand what she was going through when my phone was off. At least I have a house phone. I have to call her boyfriends’ phone and I feel like the other woman every time.

I erased that middle school friends’ number from my phone. I realized that it was getting to be much more than I thought it was. Now I can’t just dial him when I’m bored. He can call me when he wants to talk. I did look him up on the lil modeling website. He’s doin his thing. Congrats homie. There are so many things I wanted to talk to him about. Like he shoulda told me I coulda waited to see Red Eye on video. Ask anybody who knows me; I’m good for erasing someone out of my phone. I do it without blinking now. I think I got it from Milyaka. Once she erased every male’s number from her phone. I haven’t gotten there yet.

Why is my computer screen pink? Is that its way of telling me it’s slowly dying?

I’m trying to get better at staying in touch. That’s part of the reason I have no one to hang out with when I go home. I don’t call people to catch up. I’m the more conversational caller. If we can’t talk like we’ve talked everyday then I can’t do it. It takes too long to catch people up on my life.

I absolutely am in awe of Tyra Banks. I actually watch her talk show and America’s Next Top Model. That means I see Tyra 11 times a week. She’s good though. I would love to see her after she’s eased into things. I think she’s truly genuine in her concern but sometimes she’s way too excited. Calm down a lil bit Tyra then you’ll be a pro.

life is funny

I recently got reconnected to this kid I knew from middle school. Actually the first time after middle school was a couple years ago. He’d found me on BP and we started chatting from then. The whole scenario was really cute because we’d had crushes on each other but never told each other. Anyway, it ended up not working out with us because of the long distance aspect. He got a girlfriend and we “lost contact”. I respect that commitment he had to his relationship.

Now they’re broken up and he contacted me to tell he’s gonna be in my area because he’s an Ebony Fashion Fair model. He’s a handsome dude, but it turns me off when men have groupies. I’d hate to be mistaken for one. Nobody is that fine. Plus when we’d met after all that time there was no real spark between us. But he’s a real cool guy, a great conversationalist and a Christian who is actually trying to live his life for God. I know if I were to call him the things that most guys tend to say would never come out of his mouth. You know like when you’re talking to a guy he almost always find a way to say something vulgar or hit on you. I know I wouldn’t have to worry about that with him. He’s very respectful.

The point is since we exchanged numbers I have been able to have a complete conversation with him yet. When I call, he’s busy. When he calls, I’m busy. Now I feel like a stalker because I’ve gotten into the habit of calling when I’m bored and when he doesn’t answer it makes me wanna talk to him even more. I’m not even tryin to holla at him; I just wanna be his friend. For real. At this point in my life, I’m not even emotionally available for a relationship. I wanna know how the modeling world is, how is his walk with the Lord going, ya know regular stuff. Must be for a reason though. I’m learning not to force things. If things are meant to be they happen, if they aren’t they don’t. It’s as simple as that.

Avery long road

When I think about where I first learned about God and Church, I think about my aunt Kate. I spent most of my summers with her as a child. She taught me the Lord’s Prayer and we went to church whenever there was a church service to go to. That was all the church I got. At home we didn’t go to church even though my fathers’ dad was a pastor of his own church and my mother had grown up in the church as well.

We went to the most boring church on earth. The pastor talked……….like……….this. The whole service. I often found it hard to stay awake especially since we were there from 9am to 3pm. So I slept most services and this was accepted since I was a child. Then one day I felt I was too old to fall asleep in church and I tried really hard to pay attention. I first gave my life to Christ when I was 11 years old. I even cried when I did it. I felt moved. However, how hard is it to live for God at 11? I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I stayed out of trouble for the most part. There was nothing for me to get into or so I thought. I didn’t know what the other kids were doing until much, much later.

The next time I really looked at my spiritual life was in high school with my best friend Milyaka. She always invited me to her church and most of the time I said ‘Oh no thanks’. Mostly because she went to a white church and I could never get into the worship. But as our friendship grew so did my relationship with Christ. I finally found out what it meant to walk the walk. That doesn’t mean I really did it though. I had some issues with rebellion. Not the type of rebellion you think though. I never rebelled against my parents because they never made any rules. Even to this day, if everybody is doing something I won’t do it. If someone tells me not to do something, I wanna do it. Ultimately, if I felt like doing something, I would do it. Sometimes that wouldn’t be the best thing for me though and I learned many a lesson that way.

When I came to college, Milyaka and I had completed a bible study through the summer named A Call to Die coming from the verse Matthew 16:24 “Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any one would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.“ The bible study included a forty day fast from something. I fasted from secular music which was incredibly hard seeing as music is my life. But I got through it and when I came to college me and God were like thisclose. I was all prayed up and everybody could see it. God even set me up with a Christian roommate and I was great.

Then year by year, my faith got torn apart piece by piece. I became someone I didn’t even recognize and didn’t care. I shut myself off from God and everyone else, gave into all my curiosities and got hurt in the process. I look back and I see God was there every step of the way just waiting for me to wise up. He was still letting me know the deal even when I ignored Him.

I think this summer alone I’ve rededicated myself at least 3 times but something was different about this last time. There was no crying, no guilt or shame, just realization that it was time. I want to learn all there is to know. I’m interested in becoming the woman God wants me to be. There can’t be any distractions and I’m strong enough to say no to temptations now.

I know it’s gonna get harder. I can already see some of the things that will test me, but I have a peace about my life now. I know how to handle them.

Dag so that is for me, huh?

Well I rededicated my life to God and I quit drinking. Now according to some of my friends I'm gonna be incredibly bored. That's basically all there is to do here. Drink until you don't care any more. And I wanted to do that. Had a good time doing it too. But now I want some thing else. I need a new hobby.

Since I graduated I'm not allowed to go anymore Hampton events because that would be considered pathetic since I'm an alumni and not a student right? But mostly all my friends are still students and they make me go. But what are my choices? Hanging out with townies and military men whom I was told to stay away from when I first got to Hampton.

My party girl got back in town and I went out with her and the girls. Of course she began the peer pressure to get me to drink. She began telling strangers how my house used to be the party house and now it will be soooooo boring since I quit drinking. I did resist, sat with my water and witnessed the drunkness of my crazy gals. I had a great time. I'm just fine with being the double D (designated driver). Man, give me some sugar and you'd think I'd had a double shot.

Gotta be careful about who I'm out with though. I quit partying as much. I'm cool with that. Church is my new party. Every Sunday its off the chain and no hangover.

This is my life

Yeah, so I've been working at my job for about a month and a half now. Getting to know everyone, warming up to the atmosphere. There's so many women that work there and you know what happens when there's a lotta women in one place. Gossip. Drama. And I have noticed there's a whole bunch of that. I'm new and I think I know too much about everyone that works there.

When I first started working there, there was one girl I immediately clicked with. She's sooo funny. The downside to her personality is that she's very dramatic. Everything is at level ten. But lately things have been really hard for her. I honestly believe that she is part of the reason I'm working at this job.

The other day she found out that I was gonna be promoted soon and from that moment on she stopped talking to me. I had this on going battle in my head. I felt bad for her because looking at it from her point of view, she's been there for a year, I've only been there a month and I'm getting promoted. But she can't take that out on me. Look at it from my situation. I've got a degree and people are already asking why I'm working there in the first place. I better be going places or something's wrong.

We talked about it and she's cool. She's just frustrated with her situation and I understand. Life is hard. Period.

But now I know I gotta watch my back at work and let them know I'm not to be played with. People will turn on you in a minute especially when they try to be your best friend right off the bat.

Oh boy!

My goodness! The paychecks just don't last. For every check there's a laundry list of expenses. I just have to choose which one gets paid with each check.

There's the non-negotiable ones. Rent.

Then there's some that can wait a month. Cell phone bill.

But don't I get to enjoy the fruits of my labor? Sure, but not without sacrifice. And with this job I really have to choose what's important and not get in over my head.

What good is a degree?

I'm tryin to be patient and trust that I'm at this job for a reason. I think I'll wait at least a couple months. I need to start saving my money, but there's so much I wanna do!

I think Ima a skip town this weekend and not tell anyone where I'm goin. Rent a car and drive somewhere. I'll do it too.

Nah somebody'll know.

...........

I have to address you because I cannot let you think what you did was OK. I really do not appreciate you calling my best friend just because you know she would tell me everything you said. Its not like y'all are friends and its not like you call her EVER. Thats so very high school and I thought we were beyond that.

I thank God that you did not call me because what I have to say to you is not very Christ like and I'm trying to get my life together. I would appreciate if you didn't act like you care about me because you don't. It's taking a lot of restraint not to say some things that would bring out the worst of me.

That last entry I wrote with you in it was not about you, it was about me. But if you want some of this you can get some. I didn't write half of what I thought about you and I'm trying to keep the bitterness to a minimum here.

I guess its better you called Tiffani instead of me because it only made me glad I no longer have to deal with you. It validated the reason why I didn't trust you. I did see the potential in you and you let me down. I have no sympathy for you. Whatever you are going through is for a reason. Deal.

I don't want you to call me . I don't really want you to call Tiffani if I have to hear about it, but I can't control that. I hope I can get to the point where I can be civil to you, but I'm not there yet because you continue to do stuff to piss me off. I will pray for you and me because I see no hope for you now, but I hope you do.

Yes I'm still alive

Oh how I've missed posting. I'm so far from the internet these days.

I am working but I'm not telling you where. I don't need any more stalkers. Plus if you're in Hampton, its not that hard to find out where I'm am since everyone knows everyone else's business anyway.

I really love working though. At first it was because it was a place to go and something to do but my co-workers are so much fun.

I finally got on the bus and its not that bad. They keep em really cold so that's good on these blazing hot summer days. I don't have to take it all the time, I'm usually picked up by someone, so I cheat.

The worst part is the before and after. The waiting. I HATE waiting. So I try to leave the house as late as possible without getting left. People honk and stop and ask if you want a ride......NO!

Well I did take a ride once but it was because I had no other alternative. Dude ended up wanted to be my sugar daddy.

I wanna take you out to eat. I'll pay your car insurance if you get a car. You don't have to struggle anymore.

Uh huh and what do I have to do?

I prayed he wasn't a serial killer and got in the car. He didn't start talkin all this I'll take care of you business until I got to work.

Now to be honest its not the job I would've picked for a number of reasons, but it is a blessing to me. It enables me to pay my bills, there's somewhere to meet new people and something interesting happens all the time.

I'm around

I'm oh so sorry, I know you all miss me. I've been runnin around doin a few things here and there but there are a couple stories I've been wanting to get out but nothing to report right now. I've been MIA for the last couple weeks but having a good time doing it. I'll holla soon.

Who's kids are these?

A thought came to me last week. I can't remember what I was doing or why it came to me, but I was thinking I would be ok if I didn't have kids. I know what it was! I was watching Girlfriends and it was that episode where Joan broke up with Brock her supposed "Soul Mate" because he told her he didn't want kids. He was talking about all the things they could do instead of having kids. When they wanted kids around they could baby-sit and when they didn't the kids could go home.

I just remember thinking she's so stupid! She's in love and happy with a man who loves her and wants to marry her with no real major flaws. Things could change. And lookin at Joan's history, she might not have too many other chances plus she's kinda gettin up there, she may not be able to have kids in couple years.

Also Joan has other issues we won't get into right now.

I understand where Joan is coming from. I mean no one likes their choices taken away from them. It's one thing not wanting to have kids and not being able to have kids.

But I have decided it would be ok if I didn't have kids. If I was happy with just me and my husband, that's fine. I used to pity my aunt Kate because she never had her own kids. She practically raised me though. She was like my second mother. In fact her whole life she's been raising other peoples' kids. First her brothers and sisters, then her neices and nephews, and when she got married about 7 years ago, her husbands' four children from a previous marriage. But now I don't pity her anymore. I'm grateful for what she is to me. I pray I can be the same for my neice.

Now I'm not saying I don't want kids. I think it would be great to have kids. I'd like about five. And I've always wanted to be a grandma and pass down heirlooms. That would be the best part. I've been told I'd be a wonderful grandma because I already act like an old lady. But one of my fears is that I won't be a good parent. Can't worry about that though. If its the Lord's will that I have kids, then I pray that I am equipped to raise them well.

But you know what? Joan will probably get pregnant and marry William since they were in the bed together on last episode with their boring, non-sex appeal having selves.

Gotta get away!

Lenny Kravitz-Where are we runnin?

So where is it your mind runs to?

Nowhere. My mind stays in the same place, its my body that does all the running.

If you can tell me where that's from I'll give you twenty cool points because obviously you pay attention.

I never can keep things the same. I need change or I'll go crazy.

In a three month span:

I've changed my room around at least once.
My room's not that big, its gettin kinda hard to think of new floor plans.

I've traveled out of state.
I call it running away, its good to change atmosphere. In fact I'm leaving tomorrow. I've been known to do it without telling anyone.

I change the people I'm around.
There are only like two or three people I can talk to everyday without them getting on my nerves. That includes phone time because I hate talking on the phone. I'm anti-social like that and I get bored easily.

I change my activities.
I get bored easily.

My hair changes every day.

Well what can I say? I get bored.

I moved around a lot when I was younger. We moved to five different states before Oklahoma. I've been in Oklahoma for the past 10 years including the four years I've been in college and in that time we've moved six times.

In the eighth grade I told my mom she was unstable and if she moved again, she could leave me because I wanted to finish high school in one place.

But as soon as I finished high school, I bounced. Clear across the country.

And now I don't think this is where I want to settle. But it looks like I might be here for awhile. So I guess I'll make the best of it. I'm not incapable of stability. I can do it.... I think. I've just never had stability in my life. Gonna take some getting used to.

I know where I get it from. My mama. She's the same way, she changes her living room every few months as well. I love her dearly and she's the best but that's where I get it. She had to do what she had to do to get by. Most of the time we had no other option.

It makes me think of this sermon where my pastor spoke about generational curses. Things that run in your family for generations. Most people think of cancer or alcoholism. I think instability is one of my generational curses and it has to stop here.

Life is change, but being unstable is not a life I want.

It ain't right

Tiff called me the other day because she it just hit her who BJ was. It was really sad. We knew him from the game room. I only knew him from the game room. We never hung out, didn't have mutual friends. But if he was in the game room he was like fam because if you were in the game room you ran into the same people all the time. I've been reading other peoples' blogs that knew him and its so nice to see that everyone has good memories of the last time they saw him which tells you what kinda guy he was. He reached so many people in a good way. Everyone is taking it really hard which is to be expected. I'm so sorry y'all. There's nothing anyone can say to lessen the pain.

As much dislike as I have for Hampton right now, I have to say I never felt unsafe. We'd walk every inch of campus at midnight and never feel like I was in danger. Even BJ's death didn't happen on campus, it was at an off campus party, but it involved all HU students. Looks really bad for you HU. What you gone do now?

I'm on FIRE

It's horrible out there. I think the heat index is like 114 degrees. I picked the right day to wear the only mini skirt I own. I need to get some shorts, skirts are too restrictive. You can't hang out with the homies in a skirt. Can't really relax. I'ma tomboy, you gotta be too lady-like in a skirt otherwise its just nasty.

Samuel L. Jackson is just one of those people who pop up in movies at the beginning or end just for a cameo. He must really believe there are no small parts. Or maybe he's tryin to pad that bank account.

I have the most terrible neck spasm crook crick whatever you call it. I can't even turn my head to the right. Stress? Whatever it is it hurts.

Farewell Jamie, you will be missed homie. Jamie's one of my neighbors. He just got outta the Navy and he's goin back to AL. We'd just chill and watch movies. One of my many admirers in that house. LOL. We go hard in the paint!

Holly's sis dropped knowledge on her today. She said there's no such thing as 'talking', its dating. Talking leaves emotional baggage. Dating also leaves emotional baggage but at least there's a claim and an explaination to it. The word we use today 'talking' is basically just a cop out from putting a label on anything because people are soooo afraid of labels.

I like Amerie's new album. Lotsa upbeat songs. Mmm hmm. I mean she doesn't have a traditionally beautiful voice but its interesting. Can't beat good producers. I heard she gives a good performance also.

I did the PMSy crying thing yesterday while watching Love & Basketball. That's the good thing about being a girl, you get a lotta excuses to act crazy. Cry hysterically, act evil and wear black, curse people out and scream 'YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!'......Then the next day act like you don't remember. Just say, 'Oh yeah, that? That was just PMS. You know how I get.' Cramps are the bad part of bein a girl. But yet another excuse to act crazy.

OH come on!

Mr. Anonymous Commenter, I know who you are......BOO!

Common~Go

Almost everytime we let someone know one of my roomates is a guy, I get the double-take, then "You live with a guy? Isn't that weird?" Then from all males, "I couldn't do it." And I say, "That's why I'm not living with you, I'm living with Larry." And lately I've been getting,"Don't you get horny?" Yeah right, like if I get that frustrated the first person I would attack would be my roommate? EW! That's stupid.

One guy even told me if we were roommates, we would definitely have sex. Cocky lil bastard. He was feeling himself wayyy too much. First of all, if I were to ask someone to live with me, it would not be someone I was attracted to. That would be asking for trouble Secondly, if I'm not attracted to you, you won't even get close. And third, it is all about respect. That's a boundary that does not need to be crossed. Anyone who would try to do that does not respect the relationship.

Larry is the most respectful person I know. Plus he has two sisters and he's used to living with women so it works out. His ideals and interests are different from any guy I know. We can actually go see the movies no one else wants to see, try new resturants, go to the museum and stuff. He's focused unlike most of knuckleheaded dudes I know.

People see us and say we're gonna get married. Why? Because we live together. I think the logic is being able to live together is half the battle.....Yeah aight. The only space we actually share is the kitchen. How about having a real friend that's a guy? That's impossible, right? Plus there are some reasons I have that I would never marry nor date Larry. But I know the woman he does marry will be taken care of and hopefully she will be totally enamored with him. He ain't for me, but he's a great guy.

That Napolean Dynamite was way overrated. I think I like seeing people imitate it more than I liked the movie. The dance scene at the end is hot though.

Happy Birthday Crystal!

Method Man~Bring the Pain

Had a pretty good weekend. Me and Chele took one of our neighbors to McFadden's with us this weekend. He was sooo much fun because he's not one of those dudes that feel they need to be posted up on the wall lookin bored and cool. No! He got out there and had the greatest time. And I had a great time watchin him. He was goofy without being whack. Its a thin line. He was country line dancin, salsa-dancin, we played pool (my highlight). It was great. Chele got him tipsy so she could get a lap dance and she did (her highlight).

I went out with my roomates to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. My roomates now include Adrianne because she now has food in our fridge and clothes in my drawers. We have adopted her. Plus I think I spend as much time at her place as she does at mine. So it evens out.

I've been workin on my college scrapbook. It's been a real artistic challenge because I want every page to be a visual masterpiece. Plus I get caught up remembering what I was doing at the time of the picture. The good old days. I can tell its gonna be a real process.

Happy Birthday Crystal! She's one of my heartbeats!! We called her our heart murmur because she was the beat that was always missin. She was usually studying or something. I miss my girls a lot. We're all pretty different but we connected in different ways.

It's finally over

Keysha Cole~Want it to be over



I am finally over Chris. And I'm not mad at him. You won't be reading any bitter posts a year from now, trust me. Part of the reason I'm not mad is that I know most of it was my fault, because I accepted a lotta crap and it probably wasn't meant to be anyway. You can only control what you do, not what other people do.

I am free!

Because I gotta admit that the whole thing was pretty dramatic. Even I was dramatic in it and I'm not a drama type person. I was beginning not to recognize myself and by that time my best friends had already been telling me, "This is not you." And the thing that makes me the most mad is that it coulda been nipped in the bud in the beginning! But I allowed myself to get drawn deeper and deeper into it and I didn't care. Don't me wrong Chris has some fault in this too. But this ain't about him, its about me.

But God let me be hard headed because sometimes you have to go through things to know where you don't wanna be. I don't know what I was thinkin. It was all a major distraction from things I didn't wanna think about. I had a lotta fun but it was also a lotta stress. A different kinda stress than the other stuff I was dealing with. A surprisingly easier stress.

And now its over! And I don't ever have to mention it again.

Make it all better again

I had a wonderful outing. After my friends' father looked over my resume and I made some more adjustments, I took it to Hampton's Career Center to have it looked at one more time. You can never be too careful when it comes to your resume.

They told me to come back so I went to visit my people in admissions while I waited. I ended up staying and talking to Ms. Boyd, Director of Admissions. She is one of the sweetest people I know. As a matter of fact most of the people in the Admissions are beautiful people. No wonder the enrollment is going up. And with people like me recruiting for years, I know we're bringin mad money to HU. Even though Hampton has left a sour taste in my mouth, I still love my Admissions staff.

Anyway, she took a really thorough look at my resume, told what I needed to change and said, "Man, I wanna hire you." WELL if HU wasn't on my bad side right now or if I even wanted to stay in the city of Hampton, I would probaly consider it. I know what you're saying, "Beggars can't be choosers". But God has given me favor and if I'm gonna work somewhere it might as well be somewhere I want to be.

On the way back to my friends apartment I ran into a girl I see all the time. I remember her face everytime because I gave her her tour. She saw me and said, "I don't know if you remember me.....". And I said, "I definitely do" She said, "I came to Hampton because of you." I used to take that as a compliment, now I don't know. We had a conversation about what she was doing and what I'm doing, which ain't much. But it made me feel really good because she was smiling and she seemed to have her head on straight. I was really proud. Then she left me saying. "Thanks for bringing me to Hampton." I just pray her experience goes smoothly. Thank God for good memories.

Atten-CHUN!!!!

Pussy-Cat

Today starts a couple different types of boot camp for me. As many of you know, I do not have a job. And whereas I have faith that God is gonna place me where I need to be, I can tell my mom is getting a little anxious. So this begins my application boot camp. I have to step up my job search a notch and I am enlisting all the help of every resource I have to make my resume impossible to pass up.

The second part of my boot camp has to do with my friends' new work out plan and she wants me to be her drill sergeant. I'll see what I can do.

This is a new beginnning. Trying to get healthier mentally, spiritually and physically. Time to get serious, playtime is over.

I just had it!

Maxwell~Lifetime

I had something to write about this morning, but I forgot what it was..........Guess I'll just have to start all over. What have I been doing for the past few days? Bothering the neighbors when I have nothing else to do. Cleaning the house when I feel like it. I've gotten into a routine with the TV lately.

10:00-12:00pm Dawson's Creek
12:00-2:00pm Judging Amy
2:00-4:00 pm Free time usually consists of singing in the shower.
4:00- 5:00pm Oprah
5:00- 6:00pm Girlfriends
6:00- 8:00pm Free time: Go bother the nieghbors.


Yeah that's about it. I'm a loser. But these shows are critical to my development. I was watchin Girlfriends with one of my neighbors. He was about to jump up and testify when Joan's boyfriend told her, "You women only hear what you wanna hear and don't listen to what's being said to you." And he jumped up and said, "Thats the source of almost ALL relationship problems!"

I agree. Women often don't listen. But that's because y'all aren't saying what we wanna hear, So we'll keep asking until you tell us what we wanted to hear.....Oh but don't act like you men are the best listeners in the world. I know many a man that loves to twist my words into something that does not even resemble what I'd originally said.

I really have to give a shoutout to MisFitz15 because I was reading her blog and she hit the nail right on the head! I feel you very much in a big way! I think I was gonna mention something like this in the next post, but you beat me to the punch. But, yeah I realize that this is a time for me to be alone so that God can show me what he needs to show me without distraction. And I too suck at balancing relationships and Christian living. So much temptation! But in the end it's all nothing.

Also I wanted to say we had a horrible loss at HU. Its really hard when someone so young with a promising future dies. I can't speculate at what was supposed to happen, I only know that you can't control what other people do. You can only control what you do. Please make smart choices people. Rest in peace, BJ.

Don't be afraid......

Amerie~Touch

This weather is not working with my hair. Its entirely too humid. My hair just blows up. I think I might have to wait until fall to wear my hair straight. Oh well I'm the one that wanted to go natural. This is the ultimate test, if I can make it through the summer without breaking down and getting a perm. I've never done this before.

Once I do my hair, there's like these rebel strands that curl up at the first sign of humidity.

That Date My Mom show is crazy. Some of these mom's are too much. This one mom is comin on to the kid that's tryin to date her daughter. He said, "I don't wanna date your daughter, I wanna date you." Eew. Good thing she's married.

I give up. I'm not straightening my hair until November.

Here's some more randomness for ya:

1. I miss you homie. Life just ain't the same without you.
2. I know you've been giving and giving and you feel unappreciated, just know you are a huge blessing and you will be blessed.
3. I'm really uncomfortable about what you did, but I hope you've learned your lesson.
4. I knew what kind of person you are when I met you, but I didn't know your game was that tight.
5. I don' t know what you wanted from me, but the fact that you haven't called says a whole lot.
6. You're starting to irritate me.
7. I wish you would quit fakin and just be you.
8. I love you.
9. Why do you keep popping up in my dreams?
10. I'm sorry.

Sometimes it helps to just say some things. Take them as you want.

What to do?

Faith~Mesmerized

Well this was an interesting weekend full of ups and downs. I'm sure it would take too much time to go into detail, so I'll just put in the most interesting points. Went to this bar called McFadden's with my homie Holly. She was telling me she had such a good time there the last time she came because the black dudes there aren't interested in black girls anyway so you don't have to worry about gettin hit on.

What happened? We get hit on. This dude comes up to us, obviously drunk, trying to get to know us. I'd say he's about 50.....OK 40 and he comes to right under my bosom. Y'all know I don't go for the short ones or the old ones. He offers to buy me a drink, but I'm still workin on my second drink and I don't wanna 'owe' him anything.

He starts whispering stuff to Holly:
"I LOVE HERRRR! But she don't want me, she won't let me buy her a drink"
She tells him I'm married and tries to explain why I'm not wearing my ring. Holly: "You're funny! Like Bobby Brown!" He doesn't get it. Holly lets him buy her a drink and I split hers. And he finally leaves but through out the evening he comes back like three more times. Then the kicker is when he proceeds to try and give me a lap dance. I would have been traumatized if I wasn't so tipsy that I was crackin up at the whole thing.

Why is it when you're not open to anyone, that's when people come around? I've got a lotta things on my mind right now including trying to live and I just stopped talking to someone I really cared about so anyone that comes around its just like 'Eh not interested'. I mean I'm human if someone fine is tryin to talk to me, Ima entertain the thought but in the end, its nothing. My friends are tryin to hook me up with guys and they have all the right credentials, but this would not be the best time to get into something. I would end up hurting them because I know I'm not all there.

Man, when I was chillin before where were all these men? Nowhere to be found! Just seems like a big set up. This happened to me last summer too. I met a great guy. He was nice, clean, cute and a gentlemen, but he didn't take my mind off this other guy who I was no longer involved with and it didn't work out.

Ahh well...I think its best if I'm on my own for awhile. That whole 'if you fall off the horse get back on' thing doesn't work for me. It only makes things worse.

We did spend some time with the neighbors yesterday. They bought food because they're bachelors and they figure since we're girls we can cook. Which is not true in all cases but in this case it is. I'm just getting back into cooking. t h e o r y pointed out to me that I stopped cooking once she moved in.

I was busy, OK?!

Luckily, their bad influence friends weren't there. I think Adrianne has a crush on one of 'em. Too bad his roommate is in love with her, that just makes things more difficult. This one has pretty teeth and he's too smooth for his own good. He has that cockiness she likes. Talkin bout a Love Triangle.

I finally got my CD's. My favorite song is on Tweets' new album Its me again, Cab Ride. Its got the theme from taxi in it, so cute. There's even a song called Where do we go from here. And a song describing me now. I'm done.

I’m in no need for love
Stretched this sister more than a mile
It’s not for me because there’s no trust in love, so I’m restin’ a while
How could u do me this way, love?I can’t recall how you made me smile
And I don’t have time to play (with ya)
If I see ya, make it worth my while
Until then... I'm done

No need for love
Unless it’s Mr., oh, Mr. Right (Mr. Right)
And only because
Mixin’ lust with love only mean a fight
Cuz there’ll be dues to pay (pay, yeah)
And most of all many sleepless nights
But that won't be today, no
Guess I’ll see ya, looove, it’s been nice
Until then...I'm done

When I get a new CD, I study it. From the producers to the writers to the lyrics. Turns out Tweets' real name is Charlene Keys. hmm. Its a good CD though.

Didn't think this entry would be this long......

I hope that you're the one

Outkast~ Prototype

Aol really puts you through a lot to cancel that membership. I mean if my computer wasn't on life support. I'd still have a membership. And actually I was still kinda considering it. They're some crafty lil devils over there.

Seems like I just can't sleep at night anymore. Even when I wake up early, I still can't go to sleep at night. I'll start doing yoga before bed. That's enough breathing exercise to put you in a coma plus increase flexibility. *wink*

I've been at my homegirl's for the last three days. It's not like I have anything else to do people. Don't judge me!.......... Anyway, ever since that porn popped up on the screen when I accidently sat on the remote I don't mess with the VCR unless she asks me to record something. Right now she's got me taping these soaps which means I have to watch them too. I don't like soaps. They're one big tease after another.

There's probably plenty of stuff I could be doing, but they require money that I don't have. Like cooking and I want another scrapbook but I might just work with the one I have.

I've been having these really strange dreams lately. One where the President and I are hangin out real tight and if I'm not mistaken.....he's starts flirting with me. EW!

Can't hang out with the neighbors no more. Don't feel like runnin round the neighborhood, there's been one too many shootings lately.

OMG! In the midst of my boredom, I decided to browse the facebook groups and I found a TEEDRA MOSES fan group. Of course I had to join! Oh I'm so excited. I burned my first copy of her CD, but that is only because I couldn't find the real thing anywhere. But as soon as I get the chance I'm buying the real one cus she is the TRUTH.

Oh boy!

Common~ The Corner


Well there have been new developments concerning our neighbors. I don't think we will be hanging out as much......Let's just leave it at that.

That's why I don't talk to that many strangers.

I can't believe somebody tried to break into my homie's car last night. I think they must be tryin to be destructive or something. It's not like there was bangin sound system in it. Plus there has a been a string of vandalism in the neighborhood lately.

What I have to look forward to: I ordered a couple new CD's because I'm tired of listening to the same old CD's. Even though I can't really afford them right now because that electric bill comes first.

Would you be my neighbor?

Musiq~ Halfcrazy


It all started with that patio set......Now its erupted into a phenomenon! We have been on that porch almost every night since we got it. Good times though. Ya know the deal......dancin on cars, talking about life and the future under the candlelight and the stars. Its very calming.

Yesterday we had an all out feast for the holiday. Adrianne feels you gotta do that on Sundays and holidays. One of the neighbors came by to harass t h e o r y. She stuck her head out the front door to see our neighbor chillin on the patio set like its his.

Neighbor: Put some drawers on or somethin! Look I got some chicken marinatin and I bought some sodas tell me if y'all need me to get anything else.

Basically he invited himself to our barbecue, but he brought food. Plus he's mad cool and really funny. I think he has a lil crush on Adrianne, but she's so very mean to him. He and his buddies sat out with us all night just talkin and laughin. Hope we ain't disturb the other neighbors too much. We didn't even see any fireworks this year, but I still had a good time regardless. Besides once you've seen one fireworks show, you've seen them all.

Man, its so sad Luther died this weekend. He was the best. I watched almost everytime they showed his Portrait in Black on BET. Made me wanna run out and get his compilation CD.

I shole do love me a marathon. Just about any marathon that was on this weekend, I watched it. I could have never watched the show ever but if there's a marathon, I'll watch it.

Summertime

Cam'ron~Down & Out

You know what happens when you sit outside? You meet people. I've been living in my apartment a little over a year now and I met almost all my neighbors last night. t h e o r y had a spontaneous moment and went out to buy porch furniture. Of course my friend with the lil booty shorts didn' t hurt. We had a great time! It was beautiful. The low lights of the mosquito lamp. Listening to the radio. Even had a lil impromtu poetry night. Next week, poetry circle at 28B.*snap, snap, snap*

Me and Chele went to the club the other day and I actually had a good time.

1. I got in free.
2. I played pool and won! ( I haven't played in a long time. Good to know I still got it.)
3. I didn't dance with anyone. I'm gettin more and more irritated with strangers touching me. Plus last time my girl got cornered and assaulted on the dance floor and she was traumatized. If I had gotten traumatized I wouldn't be going back.
4. I love watching people. It so much fun watchin people get down.

This one guy did a hand- shakin, trickle down, Prince-like move with his hands. It was off the chain! And then watching people hook up, dudes spittin game. For example: "Ay if you want some shoes, I work in the shoe department at Hecht's." WEAK!

I got a text while watching the pool game from Tiff.

"U ain't gone meet Exodus at the club." The man I'm supposed to marry........ She's so silly!

I saw that Being Bobby Brown. *shaking my head* It is a mess. A BIG OL MESS! I'll never watch it again. He reminds me of my father except his kids still respect him even though he's been to jail a number of times. That's one thing I can say about my father he's never been to jail. He's not a criminal, he's just stupid. But the situations that Bobby was gettin in..... He's too old to be doing some of that stuff. Ew and I wanted to gag watching him and Whitney smooching all the time. Gross!

Good Times, Good Times

I love how Jon B’s new CD begins:
Feels like nothing’s gonna stop me now, getting better and stronger everyday.

You know how sometimes you have those days or weeks of doubt, deep depression or just feeling down? Even I, the ultimate optimist goes through this sometimes. I went through that last weekend. I’ve been dealing with some things on my own for a while now and it all just came down on me at once. But I was surprised to find out that I was not the only one going through a valley like this.

Depression makes you so self-involved that you can’t see that other people around you are having problems too. If I could have just looked around maybe we would have been able to lean on each other. Being depressed is such a waste of time! Thank God I have great friends who won’t let me stay down. Reminding me that my faith is stronger than these obstacles. Telling me that they are there for me. They made me promise that I wouldn’t hold it in for so long the next time something is bothering me.

It ain’t that easy. I’ve been doing things by myself for so long that that’s what I’m used to doing. I handle things by myself. And I don’t like to bother people when I need stuff. What I have learned is that you have to let the people who care about you know when you are having issues or it looks like you are pushing them away. But my friends are sooooo hard headed and they wouldn’t allow themselves to be pushed away.

I realize that I am a work in progress. I will continue to make mistakes. Sometimes the same mistakes. Hopefully I will be prepared next time. I’m sure I will get depressed again but Ima try not to let it get me down as badly as it did. I keep in mind all the lectures I’ve gotten from my friends and I may actually listen this time guys!

An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.
Proverbs 12:25

Ehhh

Missy Elliott~ Beep Me 911

Got off to a slow start today. I haven't gotten to the bathroom yet. Plan to tidy up the eyebrows. Haven't done that yet. Still need to put on a shirt although I've been dressed for a couple hours now.

But I have watched some quality television.I watched Date my Mom on MTV and it pretty funny. One mom actually said "F*** you Sean!". Because he didn't pick her daughter. I watched Teamates on ESPN. It was cute, like The Newlyweds show for teammates. Then I caught up on my show Blow Out. I watch it but I don't understand why he gets to charge $200 for a haircut. He does the same thing to everyone and he's slow! He calls every woman a 'babe'. And he cries a lot. They even get to sit in on his therapy sessions. This episode he was doing a fashion show and the designer is yelling at him to hurry because he wants to touch everyone's hair. WE GOT A SHOW TO DO HERE PEOPLE, KEEP IT MOVIN!

I found a typing test online and I have found I need to up my typing score. The fastest I typed was 45 wpm and that's not good enough. If I typed faster I could finish my blog in like 5 mins. Instead on average it takes about half an hour. Longer when I stop to contemplate life.

I had to note that Tiff said I was going to marry someone with a biblical name. She says, "Its gonna be something like Exodus Leviticus Jones." Yeah, Ok Tiff. As soon as I meet Exodus, we're running to the alter. Just because YOU said so.

I read an article in Rolling Stone about Jessica Alba. I think I like that girl. She seems like she would be cool to hang out with. There's something funny she said about the type of girls she hates:



"I can't stand that girl: the poor little girl you have to rescue, the crazy girl," she says. "Its annoying. Stop."

"The more insecure the man, the more likely he will love the crazy girl. And most women who are hot are crazy. Because they don't need to have it together."

Then later on in the article, she talks about her boyfriend and says:

"If I found someone messing with him, I would cut them. It's not even a question of how much I would f*** them up."

That doesn't sound crazy to you? Still gotta love her. You better take up for your man Jessi!

My girls want me to go to a club with them tonight. I don't know it I'm up to it. Not one more night of disappointment.....

Yeah that's about it, now I gotta get back to my obsessive cleaning.

Why? Why? Why?

I hate my computer the more I look at it. I wrote an entire post this morning about something and it got erased. I'm giving up the internet altogether.

I actually understand the meaning of the saying 'bored to tears'. I cleaned my room like its never been cleaned before. Changed it around like trading spaces. Tommorow, I attack the bathroom. Then looks like the living room might get a change. Then I got outdoors. There's an insect nest of some sort out there by the door.

There's a big, beautiful, orange full moon out tonight. I think I sat outside for about an hour enjoying the quiet. Its good sometimes to just listen to the wind or maybe thats just something I like to do.