Updates: I didn't make it to Arkansas because we got hit with an ice storm, but I got news that my grandmother made a complete turn for the better after her surgery. Praise God! I think my aunts and uncles want to sue the retirement home for neglect because she has bed sores.
I've been hanging out with my lil cousin J, Farah's daughter. She needs some guidance because Farah is way too hard on her. She just needs someone to talk to where she doesn't feel like she's gonna get in trouble for what she's done.
I've been praying for Farah to see what kind of child she has and get rid of that fear in her heart. J has basically shut down to her mother because she's afraid of her. And Farah has become a dictator because she's afraid of what might happen to her daughter. It comes across as evil instead of love.
I guess I'm the bridge because I know both sides of the story. As hard as J has it now, it's not as bad as her mother had it. Her mother thinks she's doing well because she's not as hard on her kids as her parents were on her. It's not working out. J is starting to rebel and put herself in dangerous situations. Even though she is a good girl, if she puts herself in those positions she will get caught up.
I realize that I've gone through my crap to help someone else. I had to reveal some deep secrets to her just for her to see the severity of the situation. In church on Sunday my heart just began to hurt for her. So I prayed. It's all good now.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Can you just be silent?
Vegas was lovely. To some people's disappointment I didn't do the regular stuff you're expected to do when you go there. Didn't really see the sights that much, it was all about the business. I went to a fashion trade show called the Magic Show. I ate well though.
My phone gets turned off the day before I leave. I paid the bill only to find that I got NO service in my room.
Mission 1. Find a place to get service in Vegas.
On Tuesday, we get up but are late to the show because my cousin Farah doesn't know the meaning of "on time" or "time management" for that matter. Also along for the ride are her husband, his business partner Brother Frank, Frank's wife and 1 yr. old daughter. Now for some reason Frank doesn't think that we are on this trip for the same reason that he is so he asks if his wife can roll with us. Farah's like, "I'm not here to baby-sit some grown woman." Despite all that, Frank's wife tried to keep up with us, but I think we ran her into the ground. She stayed in the hotel for the rest of the week. If it hadn't been for the baby she would have been alone the whole time. Good thing there was an amusement park and circus in our hotel.
Bonus of the day: we found that we could get free breakfast and lunch at this one accessories show. Fully packed delicious lunches. Another bonus being that you get all kinds of free bags at these shows.
Mission 2: Get all the free stuff you can.
Now with all the people there, there were so many fine-lookin males all up and through there. I had to resist temptation. That was not the point of my trip. Plus, there's no reason to get distracted while out of town. I had to keep my sexy to a minimum and put on my business face. I attempted to keep from staring because holding the gaze for more than 2 seconds is flirting.
Mission 3: Stay focused.
Now Farah had a problem with Bro. Frank from before this trip. She feels like he's always in competition with her for her husband's attention. Every time Bro. Frank entered the room there was a noticeable scowl on Farah's face. She would constantly be telling him off and he'd say,"That's why I love you Farah! You just real!" Throughout the week this man became my spiritual sandpaper, consistently rubbing me the wrong way. His incessant talking, always volunteering information that is neither necessary nor interesting. He made me feel like he was patronizing me when talking because of my age, sex and lack of life experience. That's a pet peeve of mine. I can't stand when people treat me like I'm stupid. Then he would act all surprised when I knew something.
I felt mad insecurity coming from him because of the way he uses all these unnecessary and sometimes made up words to make himself sound intelligent which only made him sound ignorant. Another way he would try to make himself sound intelligent is by quoting the Bible. I have to give him props on that the man knows his Bible. Either that or he was just quoting the scriptures he knows. Before I get on him too badly, I have no doubt that the man is real with his relationship with the Lord because he is quick to humble himself and ask forgiveness when he feels he's made a mistake. I believe that's the conviction of the Lord. But the tension between he and Farah made it so uncomfortable that I was SO grateful I had my OWN room to retreat to. By the end of the week I was sick of all of 'em.
Mission 4: Keep my sanity and keep the peace.
Everyday was exhausting. Waking up at 6am to get out to the shows and walk around all day, carrying heavy bags and talking to people until 6pm. At the beginning of the week I was trying to be business-like and one day I actually wore heels. By the end of that day I was in flats and by the end of the week I was in sneakers.
When I get tired I get cranky so that might explain why Bro. Frank was getting to me by the end of the week. I was wiped out by the time I got home.
Highlights:
It was really exciting being the ground floor of a business. I saw what it would be like to have my own business. It started not to matter to me whether I got the call from the other place. Even though it would be a wonderful salary and experience, if what I'm looking for in a career is the opportunity to advance then this definitely it. I can be creative and Farah values my opinion which is great! When we start making some real money, I'll have to start negotiating my salary. Right now I'm paying off my plane ticket and hotel fee.
I feel blessed that Farah believes in me. That's all I need. I believe in her too which is why I don't mind helping her get off the ground. She gave me a lotta responsibility with helping to pick the merchandise in the store. Meaning if it doesn't sell, it's on me.
The experience of being at this trade show was awesome. It was a fashionista's dream! So many clothes. My eyes could barely take it all in.
I got a call from my mother saying that my baby missed me. She was saying all sad,"Auntie Kikaa". Awwww. I guess it came from us staying home sick together last week. It's so sad to see a sick baby. All she would do is lay on my lap, she would barely even eat. It hurt my heart. She was better in a couple days though. My sister and I taught her to do the "Maniac" dance from Flashdance. She's good at it!
I love traveling. It's so nice to see somewhere new for a change. I'd never been to that side of the country before.
The only starrahs I saw were Kid Capri and Sugar Hill Gang. Tiff told me to keep that to myself, but hey whatever.
I found that I could get some service by my window and in between the two hotel beds.
All in all, it was a good time.
My phone gets turned off the day before I leave. I paid the bill only to find that I got NO service in my room.
Mission 1. Find a place to get service in Vegas.
On Tuesday, we get up but are late to the show because my cousin Farah doesn't know the meaning of "on time" or "time management" for that matter. Also along for the ride are her husband, his business partner Brother Frank, Frank's wife and 1 yr. old daughter. Now for some reason Frank doesn't think that we are on this trip for the same reason that he is so he asks if his wife can roll with us. Farah's like, "I'm not here to baby-sit some grown woman." Despite all that, Frank's wife tried to keep up with us, but I think we ran her into the ground. She stayed in the hotel for the rest of the week. If it hadn't been for the baby she would have been alone the whole time. Good thing there was an amusement park and circus in our hotel.
Bonus of the day: we found that we could get free breakfast and lunch at this one accessories show. Fully packed delicious lunches. Another bonus being that you get all kinds of free bags at these shows.
Mission 2: Get all the free stuff you can.
Now with all the people there, there were so many fine-lookin males all up and through there. I had to resist temptation. That was not the point of my trip. Plus, there's no reason to get distracted while out of town. I had to keep my sexy to a minimum and put on my business face. I attempted to keep from staring because holding the gaze for more than 2 seconds is flirting.
Mission 3: Stay focused.
Now Farah had a problem with Bro. Frank from before this trip. She feels like he's always in competition with her for her husband's attention. Every time Bro. Frank entered the room there was a noticeable scowl on Farah's face. She would constantly be telling him off and he'd say,"That's why I love you Farah! You just real!" Throughout the week this man became my spiritual sandpaper, consistently rubbing me the wrong way. His incessant talking, always volunteering information that is neither necessary nor interesting. He made me feel like he was patronizing me when talking because of my age, sex and lack of life experience. That's a pet peeve of mine. I can't stand when people treat me like I'm stupid. Then he would act all surprised when I knew something.
I felt mad insecurity coming from him because of the way he uses all these unnecessary and sometimes made up words to make himself sound intelligent which only made him sound ignorant. Another way he would try to make himself sound intelligent is by quoting the Bible. I have to give him props on that the man knows his Bible. Either that or he was just quoting the scriptures he knows. Before I get on him too badly, I have no doubt that the man is real with his relationship with the Lord because he is quick to humble himself and ask forgiveness when he feels he's made a mistake. I believe that's the conviction of the Lord. But the tension between he and Farah made it so uncomfortable that I was SO grateful I had my OWN room to retreat to. By the end of the week I was sick of all of 'em.
Mission 4: Keep my sanity and keep the peace.
Everyday was exhausting. Waking up at 6am to get out to the shows and walk around all day, carrying heavy bags and talking to people until 6pm. At the beginning of the week I was trying to be business-like and one day I actually wore heels. By the end of that day I was in flats and by the end of the week I was in sneakers.
When I get tired I get cranky so that might explain why Bro. Frank was getting to me by the end of the week. I was wiped out by the time I got home.
Highlights:
It was really exciting being the ground floor of a business. I saw what it would be like to have my own business. It started not to matter to me whether I got the call from the other place. Even though it would be a wonderful salary and experience, if what I'm looking for in a career is the opportunity to advance then this definitely it. I can be creative and Farah values my opinion which is great! When we start making some real money, I'll have to start negotiating my salary. Right now I'm paying off my plane ticket and hotel fee.
I feel blessed that Farah believes in me. That's all I need. I believe in her too which is why I don't mind helping her get off the ground. She gave me a lotta responsibility with helping to pick the merchandise in the store. Meaning if it doesn't sell, it's on me.
The experience of being at this trade show was awesome. It was a fashionista's dream! So many clothes. My eyes could barely take it all in.
I got a call from my mother saying that my baby missed me. She was saying all sad,"Auntie Kikaa". Awwww. I guess it came from us staying home sick together last week. It's so sad to see a sick baby. All she would do is lay on my lap, she would barely even eat. It hurt my heart. She was better in a couple days though. My sister and I taught her to do the "Maniac" dance from Flashdance. She's good at it!
I love traveling. It's so nice to see somewhere new for a change. I'd never been to that side of the country before.
The only starrahs I saw were Kid Capri and Sugar Hill Gang. Tiff told me to keep that to myself, but hey whatever.
I found that I could get some service by my window and in between the two hotel beds.
All in all, it was a good time.
Friday, February 17, 2006
When you see that sign, you betta yield
I been goin goin goin lately. I'm working with my cousin at her hair salon. We're working on a plan to organize the business and increase sales. So I'm half working for her, half working as her partner because she's given me a lotta control. My main battle is getting her on some type of schedule because time management is a big problem for her. This woman does not know the meaning of "on time". If she tells me she's on her way it could be anywhere between half an hour to three. You never can tell...BUT you know you have at least 30 mins.
Man, so many things have come into my mind lately. Like how I am not a teenager anymore. Funny it took me almost three years to get that in my head. Just yesterday I felt it. The generation gap. I look at my cousins and I see I am not in that generation. I here myself thinking things like where do these kids get this stuff? We did not do that when I was in high school! And if we did, we were much more under wraps about things...These kids are wild. I am officially, like, old. I've always had an old soul, but I felt young. Now, I'm feeling the adulthood. Maybe its just maturity.
This begins my week of travel. We are going to Arkansas to check on my grandmother. Pray for us on that. My mom's been really introverted about this whole thing. She doesn't disclose her feelings to anyone or at least not me. I've been trying to ask her about it, so that she doesn't keep everything in. Now my grandma has not been doing well and this is the way I think of it: If she feels like she is ready to leave this Earth, I don't want them to keep her on machines against her will. Of course I never want my grandma to die, but that's just not reality. I just pray God's will be done.
When we leave AR to come back here, I leave for VEGAS! Exciting I know...
So I need to pack. Thank God I'm getting away from this bitter cold weather! And I should really go to bed because I have to wake up early in the morning. SO this is it for awhile. I'll send any updates through Tiff. Like if I see any starrrahss.
Man, so many things have come into my mind lately. Like how I am not a teenager anymore. Funny it took me almost three years to get that in my head. Just yesterday I felt it. The generation gap. I look at my cousins and I see I am not in that generation. I here myself thinking things like where do these kids get this stuff? We did not do that when I was in high school! And if we did, we were much more under wraps about things...These kids are wild. I am officially, like, old. I've always had an old soul, but I felt young. Now, I'm feeling the adulthood. Maybe its just maturity.
This begins my week of travel. We are going to Arkansas to check on my grandmother. Pray for us on that. My mom's been really introverted about this whole thing. She doesn't disclose her feelings to anyone or at least not me. I've been trying to ask her about it, so that she doesn't keep everything in. Now my grandma has not been doing well and this is the way I think of it: If she feels like she is ready to leave this Earth, I don't want them to keep her on machines against her will. Of course I never want my grandma to die, but that's just not reality. I just pray God's will be done.
When we leave AR to come back here, I leave for VEGAS! Exciting I know...
So I need to pack. Thank God I'm getting away from this bitter cold weather! And I should really go to bed because I have to wake up early in the morning. SO this is it for awhile. I'll send any updates through Tiff. Like if I see any starrrahss.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Watch God work. Jus watch Him....
I had an experience with God this weekend that tops all my other experiences. I went to something like a retreat at my cousin's church called The Encounter. This one was for college age students and most of the people there went to Oral Roberts University. I went in real cool because that's how I do things, but I knew I couldn't alienate myself. I ended up seeing some people I knew from high school which is a plus. The Encounter lasted 3 days and even though I went home every night, I wanted to sleep as soon as I got there. We were put on a media fast for the weekend so that no outside influences would be in our system, meaning no phone, no internet, no music, no tv.
So during this weekend there were 10 sessions, covering everything from committment to love to sex to forgiveness. It's amazing how well rounded it was, but when God is leading he tells you everything you need to know. On several occassions the facilitator of the moment would tell everyone to "just start praying in the spirit" and everyone would begin to speak in "toungues". Now to "speak in toungues" is like speaking in a divine language, no one else can understand it. It's said to be a gift and it's also a gift to be able to interpret it which very few people can do. I'd never spoken in toungues so I figured that just wasn't my gift or I had never really recieved the holy spirit or to be honest I didn't know if people were faking it or not. There I am in a room full of people my age just outright speaking in toungues (I didn't even know it was possible to just go into it like that) and I just worship the way I know how...Thank you Jesus, Hallelujah... ya know the regular stuff.
I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to learned these lessons that were taught. The people teaching were truly annointed. I was sitting there so excited wishing all my friends were there because I KNOW they would have enjoyed it.
I got through Friday and Saturday then on Sunday we had one more session before church began. The facilitator taught this wonderful message about being armed with the Word of God so that we are able to fight the enemy. And I'm thinking this was a great weekend but I ain't get this whole "Encounter" with God that everyone was talking about. Then he calls for everyone to start "praying in the spirit" again. I do my thing, Thank you Jesus, Hallelujah. Then he says, "If anyone hasn't spoken in toungues and wants to recieve the gift come to the front right now." You know when God is speaking to you. There is no way I could have stayed in my seat after that.
I made my way to the front slowly. A guy ushered me to pray with one of the facilitators, student from ORU. She was a small girl with long black hair. So I took her hands, Hallelujah, Thank you Jesus. She starts speaking in toungues and before I know it tears are streaming and words I don't know are coming out of my mouth. After awhile something said, 'Ok that's enough you can sit down now. She says,"This is your gift. Don't stop." And it feels like God is pulling everything out of me. Everything I was struggling with, scared of, praying about. In the midst of it I'm yelling and speaking in toungues alternating between the two until I can't stand up. I sat on the floor just worshipping. It was like it was just me and God. The most personal thing I have ever experienced. I heard God say, "You don't EVER have to stop."
So during this weekend there were 10 sessions, covering everything from committment to love to sex to forgiveness. It's amazing how well rounded it was, but when God is leading he tells you everything you need to know. On several occassions the facilitator of the moment would tell everyone to "just start praying in the spirit" and everyone would begin to speak in "toungues". Now to "speak in toungues" is like speaking in a divine language, no one else can understand it. It's said to be a gift and it's also a gift to be able to interpret it which very few people can do. I'd never spoken in toungues so I figured that just wasn't my gift or I had never really recieved the holy spirit or to be honest I didn't know if people were faking it or not. There I am in a room full of people my age just outright speaking in toungues (I didn't even know it was possible to just go into it like that) and I just worship the way I know how...Thank you Jesus, Hallelujah... ya know the regular stuff.
I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to learned these lessons that were taught. The people teaching were truly annointed. I was sitting there so excited wishing all my friends were there because I KNOW they would have enjoyed it.
I got through Friday and Saturday then on Sunday we had one more session before church began. The facilitator taught this wonderful message about being armed with the Word of God so that we are able to fight the enemy. And I'm thinking this was a great weekend but I ain't get this whole "Encounter" with God that everyone was talking about. Then he calls for everyone to start "praying in the spirit" again. I do my thing, Thank you Jesus, Hallelujah. Then he says, "If anyone hasn't spoken in toungues and wants to recieve the gift come to the front right now." You know when God is speaking to you. There is no way I could have stayed in my seat after that.
I made my way to the front slowly. A guy ushered me to pray with one of the facilitators, student from ORU. She was a small girl with long black hair. So I took her hands, Hallelujah, Thank you Jesus. She starts speaking in toungues and before I know it tears are streaming and words I don't know are coming out of my mouth. After awhile something said, 'Ok that's enough you can sit down now. She says,"This is your gift. Don't stop." And it feels like God is pulling everything out of me. Everything I was struggling with, scared of, praying about. In the midst of it I'm yelling and speaking in toungues alternating between the two until I can't stand up. I sat on the floor just worshipping. It was like it was just me and God. The most personal thing I have ever experienced. I heard God say, "You don't EVER have to stop."
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Autobiography
She is the best thing you never had
When she finds what she wants, she is relentless in pursuit
Behind her guarded exterior lies a heart
that can hold more love than the Atlantic Ocean
The 7 letters in her name keep a divine secret
The barrier can be broken with a single embrace
from the one she loves
Misunderstood, misinterpreted and misrepresented
She knows her worth still
Far more than rubies, diamonds and pearls
In search of someone who can stroke her silken hair
Who knows the depths of Jesus' love
and able to give freely of himself to only she
Eyes that hold the innocence of a child
Lips that can make a grown man blush
Put a stutter in his step and a rise in his.....
well you know
Intellect that would stun you
The playfulness of a teenager
Hope for all mankind sometimes leaves her vulnerable
so she retreats
to a place where no one can hurt her
But the Lord is sure to bring her out
because the world needs her love
Speaking truths too bold for some
and leaving others still with the mystery
To get to the sweet center
you have to crack the hard shell
Everything about her is understated
Afraid if she were to let go she might explode
Afraid of all she is capable of
Afraid of her potential
Knowing she is capable of all things
But does she believe?
The dawning of a new day
when she becomes more than she expected
In her weakness HE is made perfect
When she finds what she wants, she is relentless in pursuit
Behind her guarded exterior lies a heart
that can hold more love than the Atlantic Ocean
The 7 letters in her name keep a divine secret
The barrier can be broken with a single embrace
from the one she loves
Misunderstood, misinterpreted and misrepresented
She knows her worth still
Far more than rubies, diamonds and pearls
In search of someone who can stroke her silken hair
Who knows the depths of Jesus' love
and able to give freely of himself to only she
Eyes that hold the innocence of a child
Lips that can make a grown man blush
Put a stutter in his step and a rise in his.....
well you know
Intellect that would stun you
The playfulness of a teenager
Hope for all mankind sometimes leaves her vulnerable
so she retreats
to a place where no one can hurt her
But the Lord is sure to bring her out
because the world needs her love
Speaking truths too bold for some
and leaving others still with the mystery
To get to the sweet center
you have to crack the hard shell
Everything about her is understated
Afraid if she were to let go she might explode
Afraid of all she is capable of
Afraid of her potential
Knowing she is capable of all things
But does she believe?
The dawning of a new day
when she becomes more than she expected
In her weakness HE is made perfect
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Come with me
I had a day full of revelations. I was watching Coretta Scott King's home-going celebration on TVOne and I found myself captivated by all of the speakers. The service was so God filled. I could feel it from the television. And the pinnacle was when her daughter Elder Bernice King gave her mother's eulogy.
You could tell it was hard for her but she pushed through and gave a powerful message. While talking about the person her mother was she preached. With her mothers' death became the end of an era. When Mrs. King died she let go and passed the torch to the rest of us. She preached that we let the "world" tell how us to live, govern our nations and raise our children and it is leading to destruction. It is time for God's children to rise up and start teaching God's message.
I've been hearing that same message for a while now. Rise up. Speak out. Time to step up. I'm praying I will be able to when it is time.
While at Border's I picked up Juanita Bynum's book No More Sheets. I think I read half the book in half an hour. But it convicted me and gave me some realizations about what I'd been telling myself. I think my cousin has the video. I'm gonna try and get that from her.
I was talkin to my friend Aaron today, he asked me to be his Valentine. I was planning on forgetting about the day altogether, but hey whatever. It went something like this:
Him: So do you have a Valentine?
Me: No
Him: You wanna be my Valentine?
Me: Sure, what does that mean?
Him: How are you gonna be someone's Valentine and you don't know what it means?
Me: Well I've never had one so I don't know what that means
Him:Oh
Me: So what does it mean?
Him: I just wanted someone I could say Happy Valentine's Day to and then I could say I have a Valentine.
Me: Yeah aight.
Him: You gone make me blush. I'm red right now.
Me: LOL
I forgot in my haste that I did have ONE Valentine. Of course it was Tiffani.......She got me chocolates and made me a card. It was the best. But that should be an easy one to top. I don't even know what day its on. That's how dedicated I was to forgetting. Now that I got a Valentine, I gotta find out when it is. Daggone obligations.
You could tell it was hard for her but she pushed through and gave a powerful message. While talking about the person her mother was she preached. With her mothers' death became the end of an era. When Mrs. King died she let go and passed the torch to the rest of us. She preached that we let the "world" tell how us to live, govern our nations and raise our children and it is leading to destruction. It is time for God's children to rise up and start teaching God's message.
I've been hearing that same message for a while now. Rise up. Speak out. Time to step up. I'm praying I will be able to when it is time.
While at Border's I picked up Juanita Bynum's book No More Sheets. I think I read half the book in half an hour. But it convicted me and gave me some realizations about what I'd been telling myself. I think my cousin has the video. I'm gonna try and get that from her.
I was talkin to my friend Aaron today, he asked me to be his Valentine. I was planning on forgetting about the day altogether, but hey whatever. It went something like this:
Him: So do you have a Valentine?
Me: No
Him: You wanna be my Valentine?
Me: Sure, what does that mean?
Him: How are you gonna be someone's Valentine and you don't know what it means?
Me: Well I've never had one so I don't know what that means
Him:Oh
Me: So what does it mean?
Him: I just wanted someone I could say Happy Valentine's Day to and then I could say I have a Valentine.
Me: Yeah aight.
Him: You gone make me blush. I'm red right now.
Me: LOL
I forgot in my haste that I did have ONE Valentine. Of course it was Tiffani.......She got me chocolates and made me a card. It was the best. But that should be an easy one to top. I don't even know what day its on. That's how dedicated I was to forgetting. Now that I got a Valentine, I gotta find out when it is. Daggone obligations.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Walk on by
I ain't got too much to say lately. I'm tryin to stay away from too much tv. Still waitin on some news. Stayin in touch with folks.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Masochist
I am a masochist
Loving to be hurt, continuing the cycle of pain
you let me go and I run back for more
almost made me believe I was insane
manipulated me and twisted my words to the point
that I didn't even know what I was saying
Bared my soul and told you how I feel
and I was left frostbitten
You absorbed it all and gave nothing
but you took all I would give
and I would give it all
I have to be a masochist
asking for the pain
knowing the risk, I give you permission to do this
praying you would see I love you more than I hurt
No one understood why I kept running back
I wasn't able to define it until now
You're able to do what I can't
Made me someone I wanted to be
When it's you and me
I'm secure, wanted, beautiful
I laugh from my belly. I am happy
Without you, I am not. Not for long
You have no idea what I would not do for you
Then I became someone no one knew
not even me
I know why now
Living a lie was better than nothing at all
From here on I want truth
no longer living in the dark
But I want you to come with me
I will be the woman I claimed to be
You be the man I know you can be
I wanted truth but wasn't giving truth
You do reap what you sow
There is my epiphany
So if we were able to begin sowing truth
would we be able to reap truth?
Would that be a new beginning?
Could we begin again?
again, again, again
I ask for the pain
But without the pain I would not know joy
again, again, again
I ask for your love
Loving to be hurt, continuing the cycle of pain
you let me go and I run back for more
almost made me believe I was insane
manipulated me and twisted my words to the point
that I didn't even know what I was saying
Bared my soul and told you how I feel
and I was left frostbitten
You absorbed it all and gave nothing
but you took all I would give
and I would give it all
I have to be a masochist
asking for the pain
knowing the risk, I give you permission to do this
praying you would see I love you more than I hurt
No one understood why I kept running back
I wasn't able to define it until now
You're able to do what I can't
Made me someone I wanted to be
When it's you and me
I'm secure, wanted, beautiful
I laugh from my belly. I am happy
Without you, I am not. Not for long
You have no idea what I would not do for you
Then I became someone no one knew
not even me
I know why now
Living a lie was better than nothing at all
From here on I want truth
no longer living in the dark
But I want you to come with me
I will be the woman I claimed to be
You be the man I know you can be
I wanted truth but wasn't giving truth
You do reap what you sow
There is my epiphany
So if we were able to begin sowing truth
would we be able to reap truth?
Would that be a new beginning?
Could we begin again?
again, again, again
I ask for the pain
But without the pain I would not know joy
again, again, again
I ask for your love
complicated melody
I wish I had something to keep my mind busy. I guess I could be studying my Word huh? I got a call from the job that I want. I guess they were doing a pre-screening or something. Now I should know by next week if I have an interview or the job or what. I'm praying, praying, praying because this is an opportunity to go somewhere. I know that if I don't get it that its not my only opportunity, but I'm not even gonna act like I won't be disappointed. Cus I will be. VERY. I'm looking for a career, not another job.
At this point there are basically two things always nawing at my brain. Neither productive. One makes me worry, the other makes me sad. Resist temptation! I'm trying to be patient with my family. I'm not doing a very good job. My sister feels like she knows everything about me when she knows nothing. I feel like I'm everyone's gofer. Kita do this, Kita do that. Who am I? Cinderella?! No sir, I am not.
I am sooo excited about Vegas and now Milyaka is coming. Now, we don't do badly when we go on trips together only when we're visiting one another. So this is gonna be a good time.
I try to be nice but some people just make you be mean to them. For example, when they text you at 6am and then wonder why you don't like them.
I usually feel the same way about my movies as I do about music. I can only buy something that I can listen to or watch over and over again. I think I was a bit premature with Closer. I bought it because its different from most movies, but its a bit graphic to be watchin at anytime. You gotta be in the mood for it.
What am I gonna pack to go to Vegas? I feel like starting now.
I'm feeling random now. I do crazy things when I'm feeling random. Resist temptation!
I wrote a poem about myself. I feel like I just wrote my autobiography. It was an interesting collaboration of thoughts.
At this point there are basically two things always nawing at my brain. Neither productive. One makes me worry, the other makes me sad. Resist temptation! I'm trying to be patient with my family. I'm not doing a very good job. My sister feels like she knows everything about me when she knows nothing. I feel like I'm everyone's gofer. Kita do this, Kita do that. Who am I? Cinderella?! No sir, I am not.
I am sooo excited about Vegas and now Milyaka is coming. Now, we don't do badly when we go on trips together only when we're visiting one another. So this is gonna be a good time.
I try to be nice but some people just make you be mean to them. For example, when they text you at 6am and then wonder why you don't like them.
I usually feel the same way about my movies as I do about music. I can only buy something that I can listen to or watch over and over again. I think I was a bit premature with Closer. I bought it because its different from most movies, but its a bit graphic to be watchin at anytime. You gotta be in the mood for it.
What am I gonna pack to go to Vegas? I feel like starting now.
I'm feeling random now. I do crazy things when I'm feeling random. Resist temptation!
I wrote a poem about myself. I feel like I just wrote my autobiography. It was an interesting collaboration of thoughts.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Oh you know.....
Highlights of my day:
Dave Chappelle is gonna be on Oprah today!
That Sanaa Lathan movie comes out today!
Listening to India.Arie!
Goals:
To listen to Amel Larrieux's Bravebird for free. I think I wanna buy it.
Yeah that's about it.
Dave Chappelle is gonna be on Oprah today!
That Sanaa Lathan movie comes out today!
Listening to India.Arie!
Goals:
To listen to Amel Larrieux's Bravebird for free. I think I wanna buy it.
Yeah that's about it.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
She's so tanasty...
I'm currently filling out this form for a job I will be interviewing for. Putting my most favorable traits out there first. I know I can do anything, but of course I tend to come across non-chalant or indifferent. What I need to show them is that I really want this job and I really do. I just don't wanna jump down their throats. The best part of it is....its not in OKLAHOMA!!! YAY! But if its not meant for me to leave here, I won't get the job. I think I have had enough desperation to let them know I really want this job and able to do it well.
Some guy asked me for directions to the Barnes and Nobles across from the mall. I knew I'd been to the Barnes and Nobles but I couldn't think about where it was. Then he just asked me where the mall was. I was like, "Oh you just go straight down this street and you'll hit it." This is, I think I sent him to the wrong mall.....Oh well I think there's a Barnes and Nobles by that one too. I hope he wasn't meeting someone.
Some guy asked me for directions to the Barnes and Nobles across from the mall. I knew I'd been to the Barnes and Nobles but I couldn't think about where it was. Then he just asked me where the mall was. I was like, "Oh you just go straight down this street and you'll hit it." This is, I think I sent him to the wrong mall.....Oh well I think there's a Barnes and Nobles by that one too. I hope he wasn't meeting someone.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
I SAID I'd take care of it!
That is it! I am no longer open to any criticism about me, my life, my character, the way I say things, the way I don't say things, what I like, dislike, want or need. I'm done. I've been way too open to hear what others think is wrong about me. If I continue to let what people say affect the way I operate I will no longer be me. I am able to discern the difference between when people are coming from a loving place when they say things to me and when they are coming from a place that is not right. I know because when I hear something that is true about myself I feel convicted. But when people start to tell me stuff and I feel attacked or just plain sad and I know I've made an effort not to be hurtful......I'm just not taking that anymore. I am not a bad person! I know this and lately that's how I've been made to feel. Take me as I am or leave me alone. And if you have criticism for me or anyone else, make sure its coming from love and not anything else or it will not be recieved.
Leave it to me, I'll take care of it
I've been sick the past few days, so all I've been doing is trying to sleep. Tiff called me today and said, "Ew you sound congested. That is not sexy!" and I said,"I know. When will I be sexy again?"
Been wrapped up in my blankets, drinking tea and watching movies. I'm still applying but I would hate to have a phone interview sounding like this. EW.
I talked to Larry on the phone last night for like 3 hours. We had a lotta catching up to do. Even though I lived with him, the last time I talked to him was about 3 months ago. He confessed some things about my behavior that he didn't like and now that I'm not there I guess he felt like it was OK to say.....I keep telling everyone what I learned last week. I feel like I had a real moment of clarity.
Even though now I am glad to be here, it feels so good to know that people are feeling the void. Theres nothing like knowing you are missed. I got this message on facebook from one of my former co-workers and I almost started to cry:
I know I was sad when you left too. The woman that use to come in there and tell you to go home came in there one day and we was telling her that it was her fault that you left. We were all just playing around though. Anyways school is fine. I'm happy that it has started back because I get real lazy and unfocused during the break. Im fine too. I just wanted to see how you were doing and let you know that we all miss you. I hope you find a good job girl. I know I am tired of Ross and all of its drama. Well Good luck with everything and keep your head up. Keep inspiring people and setting positive examples for people. I really respect you for that. Keep in touch. Nicole
That is so beautiful. I never think I have an influence, I just be doing me. No time to be fake.
I've been writing poetry lately. I don't know where this sudden spark came from. I've never been a poetess before. Seems like everyone writes poetry though. Whether its good or not is the question. I try not to take it too deep with metaphors and crap, but I find myself not wanting to make it too generic. How do you write it without getting over complicated or being too simplistic? Say what you gotta say and leave it alone.
Oh yes, I must mention...People are killing me with all these texts. I do not have free texts! Y'all trying to make my bill sky high. Wait till you can call and if you have PCS to PCS just call! That includes Nextel too! So please stop sending me these forwards...cus I'm not forwarding them to 10, 12 and 14 people. I can't afford it.
I'm back to having all these weird dreams again. I don't know where they come from or if they have any foundation. Gotta get on that dream journal.....
Going to make a sandwich now.
Been wrapped up in my blankets, drinking tea and watching movies. I'm still applying but I would hate to have a phone interview sounding like this. EW.
I talked to Larry on the phone last night for like 3 hours. We had a lotta catching up to do. Even though I lived with him, the last time I talked to him was about 3 months ago. He confessed some things about my behavior that he didn't like and now that I'm not there I guess he felt like it was OK to say.....I keep telling everyone what I learned last week. I feel like I had a real moment of clarity.
Even though now I am glad to be here, it feels so good to know that people are feeling the void. Theres nothing like knowing you are missed. I got this message on facebook from one of my former co-workers and I almost started to cry:
I know I was sad when you left too. The woman that use to come in there and tell you to go home came in there one day and we was telling her that it was her fault that you left. We were all just playing around though. Anyways school is fine. I'm happy that it has started back because I get real lazy and unfocused during the break. Im fine too. I just wanted to see how you were doing and let you know that we all miss you. I hope you find a good job girl. I know I am tired of Ross and all of its drama. Well Good luck with everything and keep your head up. Keep inspiring people and setting positive examples for people. I really respect you for that. Keep in touch. Nicole
That is so beautiful. I never think I have an influence, I just be doing me. No time to be fake.
I've been writing poetry lately. I don't know where this sudden spark came from. I've never been a poetess before. Seems like everyone writes poetry though. Whether its good or not is the question. I try not to take it too deep with metaphors and crap, but I find myself not wanting to make it too generic. How do you write it without getting over complicated or being too simplistic? Say what you gotta say and leave it alone.
Oh yes, I must mention...People are killing me with all these texts. I do not have free texts! Y'all trying to make my bill sky high. Wait till you can call and if you have PCS to PCS just call! That includes Nextel too! So please stop sending me these forwards...cus I'm not forwarding them to 10, 12 and 14 people. I can't afford it.
I'm back to having all these weird dreams again. I don't know where they come from or if they have any foundation. Gotta get on that dream journal.....
Going to make a sandwich now.
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