Who's a flirt? ME?

I don't know if y'all know this, but you will be tested about every bit of knowledge you receive. So I was just remembering how one day I was cleaning and listening to this old Pastor Tamara Bennett tape. Her messages have been right on point for this time in my life. No matter what I hear her preach about it relates to me somehow. Anyway, she happened to interject her message to talk about this kinda friendship she was having with a guy at work. Nothing real big they would just chat it up at work and one day she just said to him,"Thats a nice tie." Seems real simple and innocent right? Well the Holy Spirit asked her,"You gonna get one of those for your husband?" She replied ....No. He said, "Your father? Brother?" .....No. Well then its just idle conversation. Not going anywhere and for no reason. That's what flirting is. And Pastor Bennett said..."Now that just a little too much." And I'm sure I'm paraphrasing but you get the gist.

So then it comes to me and I admit maybe sometimes I tell a little too much about myself on this blog. Reach back a few years and you can learn a lot more. But this is really therapeutic for me and its a point of accountability. Perhaps I can help someone else. Recently, very recently in fact I found myself getting caught up in the flirting game. Caught up I tell you! With someone totally inappropriate. And you know I recognize my growth because I'm catching it before it goes too far. Flirting used to be a fun thing for me to do back in the day. I was a big flirt. You laugh, you touch, you feel appreciated for your wit and talent. But what for? Its all a pointless waste of time.

I now see after talking it over with my accountability partners and I need many, that um this is not a good thing. Like I said previously "Check ME". I don't like straying too far. And the little things turn into big things. I KNOW!

I'm not the type of person that flirts with everyone. In fact some would say I have been out of practice for the past few years. BUT I know how to do it when the opportunity arises. And for me when opportunity knocked, I answered. Contrary to popular belief I am an affectionate person. And this was my chance. For some, this is not a big deal. Y'all may even say I'm making too much out of this. What's the harm in a lil flirting? Everybody does it! This is the problem: I feel like its not really a good witness. How do you look when your flirting? All googly eyed and cheesing. Silly: thats how you look. Can someone take you seriously when you look silly? Idonthinkso. What message do you send? I wanna get closer to you, possibly in private. What if you don't wanna get closer? Waste of time. And you're possibly leading someone else on, leaving room for them to get hurt by your actions or vice-versa. Then I get home, with no one to flirt with and those feelings of loneliness try to creep in when a few months ago I was totally content with my peace and quiet so now I'm searching for someone who is not God to validate me. (long sentence, I know)

And apparently, the Holy Spirit thought it was a big deal bring it up to Pastor Bennett and to me as well. I didn't get the shut down like she did, but it was enough to make me think back to what I was doing. But trust me, I do get shut down.

I mean everyone wants to feel attractive. Even if you know you're attractive having someone pay attention to you just confirms the fact. But when you start to compromise yourself to get that attention, thats a problem. I was watching Tyra the other day and she had several teen girls from ages 13-15 talking about sexting. Sending naked pics of themselves and sending graphic texts to boys. For most of them the reason was well if you don't do it the boys don't pay attention to you. For others it was like well it was something HE wanted and I just gave it to him. They weren't embarrassed, it was normal to them. Its what they DO. Thats just scary to me. These are the lengths young girls are willing to go to receive a compliment! Really?!

So I'm at this point in my life where I've gotten all cleansed and whole from all those other soul ties and what am I doing? Trying to create new ones? So it stops right here. With me. I'm taking responsibility for my actions. And I'll be patient.

Memories

OH blog remember when I used to write almost everyday? Those were the good times.... Well not really, I had some crazy things goin on in my head at that time. Its just good to have record of my craziness. I will commit to writing more often and I know, I know I've said this all before. It's just when I get into the swing of writing, I miss it. But like I said before inspiration has been few and far between. Then with my sister hijacking my computer and inconsistency with internet (which I will fix), when I do get inspired I have no outlet for it.

So maybe I shouldn't make promises....We'll just see what happens.

Check me!

So I got some inspiration. I was just catching up with a friend of mine and I felt the need to confess something that had been bothering me about myself. I noticed a lil bit of the old me trying to creep up. And she tells me oh yeah I noticed that. I was like HELLO! Why didn't you tell me? She said well I didn't wanna embarrass you. And I was like well you shoulda! I would have.

Folks, I check people all the time. All the time! Sometimes people need to feel embarrassed! With that said, I wouldn't dish it out if I couldn't take it. And I kid you not, there's only one person I know that will check me. ONE! She's not here in Tulsa and I honestly still don't know if she would do it in the moment. How can I expect to grow this way?

I can't even tell you why they don't take the time to correct me. Perhaps they feel like I don't take correction well and in that case, thats another thing no one has told me. Or maybe they don't pay attention to others like I do. Hmm. Or maybe they have unrealistic expectations of me. Maybe they don't feel comfortable in general.

But maybe in this situation I had to be the one to own up to it. I'm not totally unaware of my actions. And if I choose to live in oblivion, somebody snap me out of it!! I'm talking about accountability. I'm not afraid of it. I welcome it. And if I'm taking offense, I know they have hit a sensitive area. I just have to say don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. If there's truth there, it will be worth hearing.

In the end, I know if I don't get checked by anyone else, the Holy Spirit will check me. I can always count on Him. If I didn't have that connection, who knows what kinda craziness I would be into. I have a tendency to be a lil complacent sometimes.

Today

I finally got my computer back and I've had so many random thoughts, deep thoughts, thoughts in general that I could have definitely turned into many blogs. But of course as of right now I don't have a real blog. I'm just gonna get my thoughts together and get back to you. I actually just woke up from a nap. This is probably not the best time to be writing, but I figured I should start somewhere.