life is funny

I recently got reconnected to this kid I knew from middle school. Actually the first time after middle school was a couple years ago. He’d found me on BP and we started chatting from then. The whole scenario was really cute because we’d had crushes on each other but never told each other. Anyway, it ended up not working out with us because of the long distance aspect. He got a girlfriend and we “lost contact”. I respect that commitment he had to his relationship.

Now they’re broken up and he contacted me to tell he’s gonna be in my area because he’s an Ebony Fashion Fair model. He’s a handsome dude, but it turns me off when men have groupies. I’d hate to be mistaken for one. Nobody is that fine. Plus when we’d met after all that time there was no real spark between us. But he’s a real cool guy, a great conversationalist and a Christian who is actually trying to live his life for God. I know if I were to call him the things that most guys tend to say would never come out of his mouth. You know like when you’re talking to a guy he almost always find a way to say something vulgar or hit on you. I know I wouldn’t have to worry about that with him. He’s very respectful.

The point is since we exchanged numbers I have been able to have a complete conversation with him yet. When I call, he’s busy. When he calls, I’m busy. Now I feel like a stalker because I’ve gotten into the habit of calling when I’m bored and when he doesn’t answer it makes me wanna talk to him even more. I’m not even tryin to holla at him; I just wanna be his friend. For real. At this point in my life, I’m not even emotionally available for a relationship. I wanna know how the modeling world is, how is his walk with the Lord going, ya know regular stuff. Must be for a reason though. I’m learning not to force things. If things are meant to be they happen, if they aren’t they don’t. It’s as simple as that.

Avery long road

When I think about where I first learned about God and Church, I think about my aunt Kate. I spent most of my summers with her as a child. She taught me the Lord’s Prayer and we went to church whenever there was a church service to go to. That was all the church I got. At home we didn’t go to church even though my fathers’ dad was a pastor of his own church and my mother had grown up in the church as well.

We went to the most boring church on earth. The pastor talked……….like……….this. The whole service. I often found it hard to stay awake especially since we were there from 9am to 3pm. So I slept most services and this was accepted since I was a child. Then one day I felt I was too old to fall asleep in church and I tried really hard to pay attention. I first gave my life to Christ when I was 11 years old. I even cried when I did it. I felt moved. However, how hard is it to live for God at 11? I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I stayed out of trouble for the most part. There was nothing for me to get into or so I thought. I didn’t know what the other kids were doing until much, much later.

The next time I really looked at my spiritual life was in high school with my best friend Milyaka. She always invited me to her church and most of the time I said ‘Oh no thanks’. Mostly because she went to a white church and I could never get into the worship. But as our friendship grew so did my relationship with Christ. I finally found out what it meant to walk the walk. That doesn’t mean I really did it though. I had some issues with rebellion. Not the type of rebellion you think though. I never rebelled against my parents because they never made any rules. Even to this day, if everybody is doing something I won’t do it. If someone tells me not to do something, I wanna do it. Ultimately, if I felt like doing something, I would do it. Sometimes that wouldn’t be the best thing for me though and I learned many a lesson that way.

When I came to college, Milyaka and I had completed a bible study through the summer named A Call to Die coming from the verse Matthew 16:24 “Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any one would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.“ The bible study included a forty day fast from something. I fasted from secular music which was incredibly hard seeing as music is my life. But I got through it and when I came to college me and God were like thisclose. I was all prayed up and everybody could see it. God even set me up with a Christian roommate and I was great.

Then year by year, my faith got torn apart piece by piece. I became someone I didn’t even recognize and didn’t care. I shut myself off from God and everyone else, gave into all my curiosities and got hurt in the process. I look back and I see God was there every step of the way just waiting for me to wise up. He was still letting me know the deal even when I ignored Him.

I think this summer alone I’ve rededicated myself at least 3 times but something was different about this last time. There was no crying, no guilt or shame, just realization that it was time. I want to learn all there is to know. I’m interested in becoming the woman God wants me to be. There can’t be any distractions and I’m strong enough to say no to temptations now.

I know it’s gonna get harder. I can already see some of the things that will test me, but I have a peace about my life now. I know how to handle them.

Dag so that is for me, huh?

Well I rededicated my life to God and I quit drinking. Now according to some of my friends I'm gonna be incredibly bored. That's basically all there is to do here. Drink until you don't care any more. And I wanted to do that. Had a good time doing it too. But now I want some thing else. I need a new hobby.

Since I graduated I'm not allowed to go anymore Hampton events because that would be considered pathetic since I'm an alumni and not a student right? But mostly all my friends are still students and they make me go. But what are my choices? Hanging out with townies and military men whom I was told to stay away from when I first got to Hampton.

My party girl got back in town and I went out with her and the girls. Of course she began the peer pressure to get me to drink. She began telling strangers how my house used to be the party house and now it will be soooooo boring since I quit drinking. I did resist, sat with my water and witnessed the drunkness of my crazy gals. I had a great time. I'm just fine with being the double D (designated driver). Man, give me some sugar and you'd think I'd had a double shot.

Gotta be careful about who I'm out with though. I quit partying as much. I'm cool with that. Church is my new party. Every Sunday its off the chain and no hangover.

This is my life

Yeah, so I've been working at my job for about a month and a half now. Getting to know everyone, warming up to the atmosphere. There's so many women that work there and you know what happens when there's a lotta women in one place. Gossip. Drama. And I have noticed there's a whole bunch of that. I'm new and I think I know too much about everyone that works there.

When I first started working there, there was one girl I immediately clicked with. She's sooo funny. The downside to her personality is that she's very dramatic. Everything is at level ten. But lately things have been really hard for her. I honestly believe that she is part of the reason I'm working at this job.

The other day she found out that I was gonna be promoted soon and from that moment on she stopped talking to me. I had this on going battle in my head. I felt bad for her because looking at it from her point of view, she's been there for a year, I've only been there a month and I'm getting promoted. But she can't take that out on me. Look at it from my situation. I've got a degree and people are already asking why I'm working there in the first place. I better be going places or something's wrong.

We talked about it and she's cool. She's just frustrated with her situation and I understand. Life is hard. Period.

But now I know I gotta watch my back at work and let them know I'm not to be played with. People will turn on you in a minute especially when they try to be your best friend right off the bat.

Oh boy!

My goodness! The paychecks just don't last. For every check there's a laundry list of expenses. I just have to choose which one gets paid with each check.

There's the non-negotiable ones. Rent.

Then there's some that can wait a month. Cell phone bill.

But don't I get to enjoy the fruits of my labor? Sure, but not without sacrifice. And with this job I really have to choose what's important and not get in over my head.

What good is a degree?

I'm tryin to be patient and trust that I'm at this job for a reason. I think I'll wait at least a couple months. I need to start saving my money, but there's so much I wanna do!

I think Ima a skip town this weekend and not tell anyone where I'm goin. Rent a car and drive somewhere. I'll do it too.

Nah somebody'll know.