Monday, October 24, 2005
Yeah....
So I met the hook-up guy and he was definitely not the truth. We still have nothing to talk about and he didn't inspire me to say much. Kiana made me promise I would be nice. I tried but I can only be me. I've never been nice to any of the guys I've talked to and I'm not saying thats right but I'm not making an exception for someone I'm not even interested in. I went out to a soiree last night. Definitely not worth all the money I paid for it, but it was a good time. I'm trying to find fun without alcohol. It's hard y'all and that's sad. Where's Tiff with the Now or Laters when I need her???
Sunday, October 23, 2005
My Peanut
The first guy I met at Hampton University. Our meeting was so cute. It would be the story we told our kids if we ever got married. We met during freshman registration. Now students register online, then we had to stand in line for hours.
This being the first week of school I only knew about 3 or 4 people including my roommate and none of them were in my major. The entire school of business was registering at the same time. While standing in my line socializing with some girls in my major I lookup and see a guy in a pastel pink and white polo shirt in horizontal stripes. My first and only thought was, “He must be very secure in his sexuality to wear pink.”
I finally got through registration and somehow we finished at the time. We had our first conversation on the long walk back from the Convocation Center. I only remember a few things about that conversation. We talked about me being from Oklahoma and he missed his mom which I thought was incredibly sweet. It was one of the best first conversations I’ve ever had with a guy. He was funny, the conversation flowed very nicely and it was relaxed. It was only later that I realized how cute he was.
He was and is the biggest crush I’ve ever had. My knees literally would get weak when I saw him. I remember almost collapsing in the cafeteria when I spotted his white tee. I had to grab the railing to keep from falling. I’d find ways to go over to his dorm using my now roommate Larry as my excuse to be in a male dorm since I knew him from high school. Funny thing was I rarely called Larry when I got there. Hmm.
That second semester he got a girlfriend and I started talking to someone. My crush feelings faded. The next year it developed into an internet friendship. We rarely hung out but we talked on the internet all the time. It was the greatest thing and I just felt a connection to him. Throughout the other girls and guys we went through we remain homies.
When he pledged we fell out of contact, but I understood under the circumstances. Then with Greek letters comes more popularity and the inevitable groupies. Y’all know I ain’t no groupie, so I fell back. I gave him the name Peanut because I didn’t really like his real name and his lil peanut shaped head. It’s not cruel, it’s endearing. He answers to it. Even my friends call him Peanut. Nevertheless, he’s my Peanut and always will be.
He revealed to me years later that he had a crush on me then too, but somehow we never got it together. It’s probably best that way. That doesn’t matter; I can say without a doubt that I love him like family. It’s not the same, but it makes me happy whenever I see him. Good memories.
This being the first week of school I only knew about 3 or 4 people including my roommate and none of them were in my major. The entire school of business was registering at the same time. While standing in my line socializing with some girls in my major I lookup and see a guy in a pastel pink and white polo shirt in horizontal stripes. My first and only thought was, “He must be very secure in his sexuality to wear pink.”
I finally got through registration and somehow we finished at the time. We had our first conversation on the long walk back from the Convocation Center. I only remember a few things about that conversation. We talked about me being from Oklahoma and he missed his mom which I thought was incredibly sweet. It was one of the best first conversations I’ve ever had with a guy. He was funny, the conversation flowed very nicely and it was relaxed. It was only later that I realized how cute he was.
He was and is the biggest crush I’ve ever had. My knees literally would get weak when I saw him. I remember almost collapsing in the cafeteria when I spotted his white tee. I had to grab the railing to keep from falling. I’d find ways to go over to his dorm using my now roommate Larry as my excuse to be in a male dorm since I knew him from high school. Funny thing was I rarely called Larry when I got there. Hmm.
That second semester he got a girlfriend and I started talking to someone. My crush feelings faded. The next year it developed into an internet friendship. We rarely hung out but we talked on the internet all the time. It was the greatest thing and I just felt a connection to him. Throughout the other girls and guys we went through we remain homies.
When he pledged we fell out of contact, but I understood under the circumstances. Then with Greek letters comes more popularity and the inevitable groupies. Y’all know I ain’t no groupie, so I fell back. I gave him the name Peanut because I didn’t really like his real name and his lil peanut shaped head. It’s not cruel, it’s endearing. He answers to it. Even my friends call him Peanut. Nevertheless, he’s my Peanut and always will be.
He revealed to me years later that he had a crush on me then too, but somehow we never got it together. It’s probably best that way. That doesn’t matter; I can say without a doubt that I love him like family. It’s not the same, but it makes me happy whenever I see him. Good memories.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
What am I supposed to do?
So this guy Kiana is trying to fix me up with is coming to homecoming. He lives in Boston. From what she tells me he has a great body and he’s really sweet. But come on guys that’s definitely not all there is. I need someone I can feel. Someone I can talk to everyday. This guy and I have talked four times since June. We have nothing to talk about, but for some reason he has loved the thought of me since then.
On the 13th my phone was disconnected which I think is funny timing since that was the day that my middle school friend, lets call him Tulsa, was coming to town. The first thing I thought of was that he was trying to call me and I wanted to turn my phone back on immediately. Then I thought well if he had been calling, he wouldn’t have to reach me at the last minute. I seriously contemplated not turning my phone back on just so I wouldn’t have to worry whether he would call or not. Of course, I paid the bill and he did call. I played it cool, ‘yeah my phone was off….’, like it happens every other day. (It does). He promised to call after the show so we could talk in person.
While waiting for Tulsa’s call, I mean hanging out with my girls, Boston calls. We talk about homecoming and I tell him I’m not excited because all people are gonna be doing is drinking and partying and I don’t want to do either. He asks why don’t you drink anymore. I say well I’ve rededicated my life to the Lord so….
Side bar: I hate having to make that announcement. Don’t get me wrong, in no way am I ashamed of being a Christian. It just sounds so cliché. Like an excuse or in some peoples’ cases like they’re judging others just by saying I follow Jesus Christ. Plus most people don’t really know what it means to be Christian anyway. Just because you believe in Jesus does not make you a Christian. Faith without works is dead, James 2:17.
Anyway, he says I’ll call you back in five minutes. I’m thinking that should be the end of this because usually the Lord scares dudes off. But he calls me back at midnight and I don’t answer. Kiana yells at me because she’s in love with his best friend and says I’m ruining her future. Sorry homie but why do I have to suffer for your future? Why did he call me the next morning at 7:57 AM!!!? I dunno but something about this morning call intrigued me. My roommate Larry says I’m attracted to the weirdest guys. If there’s something off about a guy I’ll think its interesting. I tried to talk to him once again but it was still awkward. How do I end this? Do I do an Adrianne? Where do you see this going? I see this going NOWHERE!
I never got to see Tulsa while he was in town which kind of angers me. I mean I hate when people say they are going to do something and don’t. That’s a pet peeve of mine. Do what you say! I’ve given up on he and I being friends. He’s way too “busy” which was also the problem we had two years ago. In the back of my mind, I was really cheering for Tulsa. The very first time we talked on this phone this man was quoting Scripture! There’s nothing more that’ll give a girl fever than a man who knows his Bible. I mean he looks real good on paper…….. and in person too. He just seems to be too “busy” and if he’s not interested, I don’t have the time or energy to chase him down. I refuse to do that. Does that seem stubborn?
Then I look at things in reality. God is teaching me so much about myself, my friends, life in general that I don’t need to be distracted by any males. I hate long distance relationships, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t understand me and I think I need to clear my heart and head before I start up with someone else.
Anonymous and I were never in the same place emotionally at the same time but I think the thing that kept us going is that mutual interest in one another. I think the thing that kept us apart is trust and that’s the main staple of any relationship. Why did I mention that? Iono I just thought it was relevant. At least I liked talking to him even if most of it was arguing it was interesting. I will not settle for less.
On the 13th my phone was disconnected which I think is funny timing since that was the day that my middle school friend, lets call him Tulsa, was coming to town. The first thing I thought of was that he was trying to call me and I wanted to turn my phone back on immediately. Then I thought well if he had been calling, he wouldn’t have to reach me at the last minute. I seriously contemplated not turning my phone back on just so I wouldn’t have to worry whether he would call or not. Of course, I paid the bill and he did call. I played it cool, ‘yeah my phone was off….’, like it happens every other day. (It does). He promised to call after the show so we could talk in person.
While waiting for Tulsa’s call, I mean hanging out with my girls, Boston calls. We talk about homecoming and I tell him I’m not excited because all people are gonna be doing is drinking and partying and I don’t want to do either. He asks why don’t you drink anymore. I say well I’ve rededicated my life to the Lord so….
Side bar: I hate having to make that announcement. Don’t get me wrong, in no way am I ashamed of being a Christian. It just sounds so cliché. Like an excuse or in some peoples’ cases like they’re judging others just by saying I follow Jesus Christ. Plus most people don’t really know what it means to be Christian anyway. Just because you believe in Jesus does not make you a Christian. Faith without works is dead, James 2:17.
Anyway, he says I’ll call you back in five minutes. I’m thinking that should be the end of this because usually the Lord scares dudes off. But he calls me back at midnight and I don’t answer. Kiana yells at me because she’s in love with his best friend and says I’m ruining her future. Sorry homie but why do I have to suffer for your future? Why did he call me the next morning at 7:57 AM!!!? I dunno but something about this morning call intrigued me. My roommate Larry says I’m attracted to the weirdest guys. If there’s something off about a guy I’ll think its interesting. I tried to talk to him once again but it was still awkward. How do I end this? Do I do an Adrianne? Where do you see this going? I see this going NOWHERE!
I never got to see Tulsa while he was in town which kind of angers me. I mean I hate when people say they are going to do something and don’t. That’s a pet peeve of mine. Do what you say! I’ve given up on he and I being friends. He’s way too “busy” which was also the problem we had two years ago. In the back of my mind, I was really cheering for Tulsa. The very first time we talked on this phone this man was quoting Scripture! There’s nothing more that’ll give a girl fever than a man who knows his Bible. I mean he looks real good on paper…….. and in person too. He just seems to be too “busy” and if he’s not interested, I don’t have the time or energy to chase him down. I refuse to do that. Does that seem stubborn?
Then I look at things in reality. God is teaching me so much about myself, my friends, life in general that I don’t need to be distracted by any males. I hate long distance relationships, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t understand me and I think I need to clear my heart and head before I start up with someone else.
Anonymous and I were never in the same place emotionally at the same time but I think the thing that kept us going is that mutual interest in one another. I think the thing that kept us apart is trust and that’s the main staple of any relationship. Why did I mention that? Iono I just thought it was relevant. At least I liked talking to him even if most of it was arguing it was interesting. I will not settle for less.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Dreamin
Tiff asked me if I could do anything and money was no object what would I do? I was like uhh Iono pay my bills and go shopping…? She said that’s it? And I’m thinking, Yeah. You don’t know how hard it was to reach beyond the reality of my situation. I haven’t dreamed about anything in a long time. I’ve been going with the flow for so long that I’ve allowed myself to end up in some places that I don’t want to be. When I was little I wanted to do so much but in reality it really wasn’t possible. My parents weren’t the encouraging type. They were more the ‘I’m just trying to keep a roof over your head so deal with what we have’ type. I may have wanted to dance, but there was no way to get to or pay for classes. I’ve been singing in one way or another since the fourth grade and I sorta just quit when I got to college because I knew it was not something I wanted to pursue. I’ve got a decent voice and with practice, it could be pretty but I’m not the attention seeking type.
God has given me many artistic gifts and I’ve not wanted to use any of them for a career. Why? I think its because careers in art are so unpredictable plus you have to be ultra talented to be noticed and I don’t think I really believed in my talent. I know in my head that I’m good at a lot of things but in my heart the desire is just not there. I think of that song that says ‘With our gifts we exalt thee’ and I think if I wanted to be a fashion designer could I exalt God with my clothes? When I thought of a “Christian occupation”, I thought would have to be a missionary working with kids or the elderly in Africa. But if I really wanted to give God the glory it would be best to do something that I’m interested in: fashion. Let’s face people clothes are getting out of control and teen clothing is getting way too grown. I could do it.
Anyway, after that conversation, I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to do without a limit and I found I have more dreams than I thought. I wrote a five year goal list and a one year goal list to get my motivation started. I envy ambition. I’m working on getting some. At one point, I could honestly say I had NONE. No goals, ambition or dreams. I never had plan before. I didn’t even see myself graduating from college, but I did it with honors. Now that I think about it, since I had no plan I’m in a place where I don’t want to be. Because I now realize that, I don’t plan on being somewhere I don’t want to be for long. I’m using my situation to my advantage. It’s a new me.
God has given me many artistic gifts and I’ve not wanted to use any of them for a career. Why? I think its because careers in art are so unpredictable plus you have to be ultra talented to be noticed and I don’t think I really believed in my talent. I know in my head that I’m good at a lot of things but in my heart the desire is just not there. I think of that song that says ‘With our gifts we exalt thee’ and I think if I wanted to be a fashion designer could I exalt God with my clothes? When I thought of a “Christian occupation”, I thought would have to be a missionary working with kids or the elderly in Africa. But if I really wanted to give God the glory it would be best to do something that I’m interested in: fashion. Let’s face people clothes are getting out of control and teen clothing is getting way too grown. I could do it.
Anyway, after that conversation, I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to do without a limit and I found I have more dreams than I thought. I wrote a five year goal list and a one year goal list to get my motivation started. I envy ambition. I’m working on getting some. At one point, I could honestly say I had NONE. No goals, ambition or dreams. I never had plan before. I didn’t even see myself graduating from college, but I did it with honors. Now that I think about it, since I had no plan I’m in a place where I don’t want to be. Because I now realize that, I don’t plan on being somewhere I don’t want to be for long. I’m using my situation to my advantage. It’s a new me.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Why me?
Why me?
You’d be surprised how many times I’ve heard that. You won’t ever hear me say that. The only exception I would make is if it was to ask someone why they specifically did something to me. It seems people feel the need to ask why certain events are happening to them that are out of their control. As if it’s some type of personal attack on their lives. I see it like this: if I’m in a certain situation or place, it’s for a reason. It’s time people take responsibility for who they are. Why is this happening to you? Perhaps you helped to place yourself in this situation. If so, step up and take care of business. I believe its because either you need to be prepared for future events or you’ve already been prepared for this situation. Why you? Because it’s supposed to be you. Stop complaining because you can handle it. Apparently, God has put me here to do something. Now find out what it is and do it.
You’d be surprised how many times I’ve heard that. You won’t ever hear me say that. The only exception I would make is if it was to ask someone why they specifically did something to me. It seems people feel the need to ask why certain events are happening to them that are out of their control. As if it’s some type of personal attack on their lives. I see it like this: if I’m in a certain situation or place, it’s for a reason. It’s time people take responsibility for who they are. Why is this happening to you? Perhaps you helped to place yourself in this situation. If so, step up and take care of business. I believe its because either you need to be prepared for future events or you’ve already been prepared for this situation. Why you? Because it’s supposed to be you. Stop complaining because you can handle it. Apparently, God has put me here to do something. Now find out what it is and do it.
Monday, October 10, 2005
3:46am October 10
Can’t sleep at all. When I was lying there with the lights off all these thoughts were running through my head. Now that I’m up, I can’t think of anything.
Serenity was not bad at all. If you’re willing to take a risk I suggest you go see it. Red Eye I could waited until video.
I sometimes wonder if my neighbor and I are dating without my knowledge. Ice cream, flowers, movies… I don’t wanna be the substitute girlfriend. Its weird.
I thoroughly enjoyed Alicia Keys’ unplugged I missed the first time around but I caught it this weekend I’m glad to see that Diddy got some more attractive and talented girls this time around. I shall be tuned in.
I want to sleep but I can’t. I can’t.
I caught up with my first college roomie. Love her to death! I think we talked for about three hours until her phone cut off.
How come Carrie from Sex & the City is the only one who doesn’t work out but she has the best abs? Is it the Manolo’s?
I’m starting to thin I need less sleep at night. I’m tired by 5pm, but its easier for me to get up in the morning if I have less sleep.
My computer keeps blinking from the pink screen to the regular screen. I don’t get it.
Being financially responsible is hard!
Can’t sleep at all. When I was lying there with the lights off all these thoughts were running through my head. Now that I’m up, I can’t think of anything.
Serenity was not bad at all. If you’re willing to take a risk I suggest you go see it. Red Eye I could waited until video.
I sometimes wonder if my neighbor and I are dating without my knowledge. Ice cream, flowers, movies… I don’t wanna be the substitute girlfriend. Its weird.
I thoroughly enjoyed Alicia Keys’ unplugged I missed the first time around but I caught it this weekend I’m glad to see that Diddy got some more attractive and talented girls this time around. I shall be tuned in.
I want to sleep but I can’t. I can’t.
I caught up with my first college roomie. Love her to death! I think we talked for about three hours until her phone cut off.
How come Carrie from Sex & the City is the only one who doesn’t work out but she has the best abs? Is it the Manolo’s?
I’m starting to thin I need less sleep at night. I’m tired by 5pm, but its easier for me to get up in the morning if I have less sleep.
My computer keeps blinking from the pink screen to the regular screen. I don’t get it.
Being financially responsible is hard!
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Randomness
Mr. Anonymous and I have called a truce. I realized that it was not healthy to hang on to all that anger I was feeling and I was angry. I prayed before I called and Thank God, the conversation was civilized. I didn’t yell or curse. We actually had a good conversation and I admit that I missed talking to him. I said everything I wanted to say, got it off my chest, hopefully he did too and now he truly knows how I feel. I think the thing that hurt me the most is realizing that he did not feel the same way I did which was evident through his thoughts and actions. There was so much potential. I still care for and about him, but I now know that we both have more growing to do individually. I learned so much from this experience, both good and bad, that I will remember forever.
I really appreciate the comments and love I’ve gotten from readers and friends. I LOVE reading the comments and seeing that someone FEELS what I’m saying. My neighbor and homie has made me feel so appreciated this week. He took me out for Cold Stone where one small cup of ice cream is the same price as a gallon at the grocery store and he surprised me with a beautiful yellow rose. That really brightened up my week.
Man, my life feels so empty now that Tiff’s phone is off. I could expect at least 3 calls from her. Now no one calls. I understand what she was going through when my phone was off. At least I have a house phone. I have to call her boyfriends’ phone and I feel like the other woman every time.
I erased that middle school friends’ number from my phone. I realized that it was getting to be much more than I thought it was. Now I can’t just dial him when I’m bored. He can call me when he wants to talk. I did look him up on the lil modeling website. He’s doin his thing. Congrats homie. There are so many things I wanted to talk to him about. Like he shoulda told me I coulda waited to see Red Eye on video. Ask anybody who knows me; I’m good for erasing someone out of my phone. I do it without blinking now. I think I got it from Milyaka. Once she erased every male’s number from her phone. I haven’t gotten there yet.
Why is my computer screen pink? Is that its way of telling me it’s slowly dying?
I’m trying to get better at staying in touch. That’s part of the reason I have no one to hang out with when I go home. I don’t call people to catch up. I’m the more conversational caller. If we can’t talk like we’ve talked everyday then I can’t do it. It takes too long to catch people up on my life.
I absolutely am in awe of Tyra Banks. I actually watch her talk show and America’s Next Top Model. That means I see Tyra 11 times a week. She’s good though. I would love to see her after she’s eased into things. I think she’s truly genuine in her concern but sometimes she’s way too excited. Calm down a lil bit Tyra then you’ll be a pro.
I really appreciate the comments and love I’ve gotten from readers and friends. I LOVE reading the comments and seeing that someone FEELS what I’m saying. My neighbor and homie has made me feel so appreciated this week. He took me out for Cold Stone where one small cup of ice cream is the same price as a gallon at the grocery store and he surprised me with a beautiful yellow rose. That really brightened up my week.
Man, my life feels so empty now that Tiff’s phone is off. I could expect at least 3 calls from her. Now no one calls. I understand what she was going through when my phone was off. At least I have a house phone. I have to call her boyfriends’ phone and I feel like the other woman every time.
I erased that middle school friends’ number from my phone. I realized that it was getting to be much more than I thought it was. Now I can’t just dial him when I’m bored. He can call me when he wants to talk. I did look him up on the lil modeling website. He’s doin his thing. Congrats homie. There are so many things I wanted to talk to him about. Like he shoulda told me I coulda waited to see Red Eye on video. Ask anybody who knows me; I’m good for erasing someone out of my phone. I do it without blinking now. I think I got it from Milyaka. Once she erased every male’s number from her phone. I haven’t gotten there yet.
Why is my computer screen pink? Is that its way of telling me it’s slowly dying?
I’m trying to get better at staying in touch. That’s part of the reason I have no one to hang out with when I go home. I don’t call people to catch up. I’m the more conversational caller. If we can’t talk like we’ve talked everyday then I can’t do it. It takes too long to catch people up on my life.
I absolutely am in awe of Tyra Banks. I actually watch her talk show and America’s Next Top Model. That means I see Tyra 11 times a week. She’s good though. I would love to see her after she’s eased into things. I think she’s truly genuine in her concern but sometimes she’s way too excited. Calm down a lil bit Tyra then you’ll be a pro.
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