This a real grow up time for me. I got many issues and they seem to coming to the surface all right about now. I stay positive most of the time, oh but its gettin rough. I'll just put one of those issues out there. Trusting God. Pretty big, huh? And it seems so basic, right? But when I begin not to trust Him, I try to put things together on my own. A lil bit of a control freak am I.
I could get a job anywhere. I don't want just any job. I want the job that is going to propel me into my purpose. At this point I feel like I over stayed my time at my current job. I'm beginning to hate it. Don't wanna wake up and go there. Everyone is starting to irk me. Not a good look. Anyone who has ever looked for a job knows its a process. I've gotten calls from places where I just don't want to work. Sure its a job, but at what risk. I've been going to work and I feel like its a waste of time.
There's so much stuff I'm capable of doing. I'm looking for those open doors.
How frustrating it must be for God. Its like having to prove that your trustworthy every week to someone you love. You might just yell,"When are you finally gonna trust me?"
Just like everybody else I get discouraged sometimes as well. I really am thankful there's a Word for me when I get to church. I was starting to get overwhelmed. I'm much better now.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Ready or Not
I had an amazing experience with the Lord last night. Amazing because I hadn't felt that way in a long time. This week I have been going to prayer at my church mainly because its been available. I missed Tuesday simply because I found a big sticky stain on my shirt as I was about to get out of my car. Irrelevant maybe, but nonetheless it happened to be the end of a chaotic day anyway.
So, I got to prayer with a mission. I had to experience the presence of God. But I didn't wanna get all emotional, crying and snotting. I wanted to this very controlled and lady like. I sat there for an hour and nothing really happened. Nothing I could think of. And I felt like I was really trying to get there too. Maybe not really.
Anyway, church begins and my pastor forewarns us if we do want to experience a change, we might wanna leave the church. He goes through the message, a powerful one, then begins to pray. Oh he definitely was hearing from God. I was really trying not to be distracted, but I saw one of my friends that I'd been praying for go to the altar. Praise God! But there was some work to be done in me. I felt the power of God so strong. I had such a need to be delivered. I cried out for deliverance. I saw my other friend I'd been praying for go to the altar. Praise God. And He wasn't done with me yet. I was bent down so far I was crying UP. Even after the pastor said you are dismissed, there were still people worshiping at the altar including me. I went to hug my friend and after that went back to praising. If only we could have spent the night there.
Its so crazy that at church you can still feel the judgment so strong. People think they know whats going on because there's so much gossip. I know that people must have thought that my actions were for my friends. While I am grateful to God that they came to the altar, I'd been waiting all week to experience that level with God. I came to the realization earlier that day that just like He has a relationship with me, He has one with each of them. Though I pray for them, its not about what I do. I love them either way and so does He.
I also know that after you experience that level of worship, its hard to go home and change everything about what you'd been doing. Although you have begun a change in you, everything around you is the same. I think thats why so many people wanted to stay there. It's so much easier.
God is so worth it. I wish I could explain further. You have to know Him for yourself. I have a friend who is afraid to get close to God because he feels it means more pain in his life. We must love ourselves, but love Christ more. Thats hard for us because so long we've been fed to forget about HIM. This world is so screwed up. I think what he's looking for is a demonstration of God's power. And that is the beginning of another entry, but the end of this one.
So, I got to prayer with a mission. I had to experience the presence of God. But I didn't wanna get all emotional, crying and snotting. I wanted to this very controlled and lady like. I sat there for an hour and nothing really happened. Nothing I could think of. And I felt like I was really trying to get there too. Maybe not really.
Anyway, church begins and my pastor forewarns us if we do want to experience a change, we might wanna leave the church. He goes through the message, a powerful one, then begins to pray. Oh he definitely was hearing from God. I was really trying not to be distracted, but I saw one of my friends that I'd been praying for go to the altar. Praise God! But there was some work to be done in me. I felt the power of God so strong. I had such a need to be delivered. I cried out for deliverance. I saw my other friend I'd been praying for go to the altar. Praise God. And He wasn't done with me yet. I was bent down so far I was crying UP. Even after the pastor said you are dismissed, there were still people worshiping at the altar including me. I went to hug my friend and after that went back to praising. If only we could have spent the night there.
Its so crazy that at church you can still feel the judgment so strong. People think they know whats going on because there's so much gossip. I know that people must have thought that my actions were for my friends. While I am grateful to God that they came to the altar, I'd been waiting all week to experience that level with God. I came to the realization earlier that day that just like He has a relationship with me, He has one with each of them. Though I pray for them, its not about what I do. I love them either way and so does He.
I also know that after you experience that level of worship, its hard to go home and change everything about what you'd been doing. Although you have begun a change in you, everything around you is the same. I think thats why so many people wanted to stay there. It's so much easier.
God is so worth it. I wish I could explain further. You have to know Him for yourself. I have a friend who is afraid to get close to God because he feels it means more pain in his life. We must love ourselves, but love Christ more. Thats hard for us because so long we've been fed to forget about HIM. This world is so screwed up. I think what he's looking for is a demonstration of God's power. And that is the beginning of another entry, but the end of this one.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Preparation is key
I had an interview today. The first one I was actually excited about. This morning started off in utter chaos. I had to finish my hair (which is no easy task in itself), find out where the place was and get a professional copy of my resume. I thought I would have enough time. Apparently, I didn't. I had to run up to my apartment at three times because of things I had forgotten. Let me tell you, running up and down three flights of stairs in heels is not fun. It is a good work out though.
Anyway, I get directions. I'm like 'Forget the resume, just get there'. Speed down the highway and I'm in the general area of the building, but cannot find it. You gotta know how frustrating it is to be so close, yet so far. I start praying, Lord what do I do? Do I call? I'm so late. That looks so unprofessional. Should I reschedule? Its kinda late to reschedule. I've missed it. God is taking too long to answer me. So I call Tiff. No answer. I call my mom. No answer. I call Milyaka. Straight to voicemail. So I go back to God. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
As I'm driving I hear the CD I'm listening to "He's still in control" they sing. "He's sovereign and He knows". And I'm like yeah, yeah. I know all that. But what do I do NOW? And God reminds me to trust Him. If not this interview, there will be another. Therefore, be prepared next time.
This whole episode was a very quick lesson learned. I literally just got out of the car to write this. How can you expect the blessing if you're not prepared to receive it?
Anyway, I get directions. I'm like 'Forget the resume, just get there'. Speed down the highway and I'm in the general area of the building, but cannot find it. You gotta know how frustrating it is to be so close, yet so far. I start praying, Lord what do I do? Do I call? I'm so late. That looks so unprofessional. Should I reschedule? Its kinda late to reschedule. I've missed it. God is taking too long to answer me. So I call Tiff. No answer. I call my mom. No answer. I call Milyaka. Straight to voicemail. So I go back to God. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
As I'm driving I hear the CD I'm listening to "He's still in control" they sing. "He's sovereign and He knows". And I'm like yeah, yeah. I know all that. But what do I do NOW? And God reminds me to trust Him. If not this interview, there will be another. Therefore, be prepared next time.
This whole episode was a very quick lesson learned. I literally just got out of the car to write this. How can you expect the blessing if you're not prepared to receive it?
Monday, May 05, 2008
Its time
So I gave my two weeks notice to my boss and I'm grateful for the peace of God in doing it. Had I stayed and continued to do well, I might have become complacent. Feels like a new chapter in my life and there's been confirmation all around. Now I can toward my ultimate goals in my life.
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