Its like you don't even realize

so yeah I've been so out of it lately that I didn't even realize how boomin my social life has been.

And I mean doing things that have nothing to do with work or church. Saw a lotta great movies: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (don't sleep on it), Mission Impossible 3, Lucky Number Slevin, and that Narnia movie (great movie). Plus I got to see that movie The Holiday with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet. It was sooo good.

We got like a 11 inches of snow last week. Yes here in Oklahoma. It was crazy. I got snowed in at Cole's for a couple days. Then when we dug her mom out, they dug me out too. My neighbor made an 8 foot tall snowman.

Oh yeah I played this game with my sister and her friends called Imagine If. Interesting game. You write people down on this board then roll the dice to see who you'll land on. They give scenarios for you to put those people in and then all the players guess what they would do in that situation. The most popular answer wins. So even if you its you, you can't think about what you would do in that situation. You have to think about what everyone ELSE thinks you would do in that situation.

It's so good just to spend time with friends. Even if its just a couple hours at a time because usually thats all I have to give.

I got the next couple days off and I'm trying to see if I can get Saturday off too. I gotta be somewhere else and I paid money to be there. I just forgot to request off....Eh hopefully it will work out.

ok....

So we had a guest speaker at church yesterday. Her word was definitely on time. I'm still trying to digest it as I write. Work has got me so out of it that its hard to concentrate on anything else. But what she preached was that the struggle we have with God is between our desires and will against God's desires and will. There's only one winner and guess what? It ain't you. I mean you can get what you want and you can do what you want. But what you'll find out is its temporary happiness and most of the time its not really what you wanted anyway.

This is the reason I don't write so much anymore, its so hard to put this into words.

I want to explain what's going on in my life without it being confusing or deterring people away from God.

Truth is, its really hard living this life. Like really hard. But ain't nothing else out there. Every single day is a fight.

I guess my problem is that I thought I was further along in my walk than I actually am. And I have all the tools to go further but am I willing to sacrifice everything? And after the Encounter God showed me some things that I'm still struggling with. That is what is hindering me. The stuff that I'm struggling with and don't want to let go of.

In church, she said its always the stuff you love that you don't wanna let go of. Which do I love more? My stuff or God? Should be an easy answer right? Not so much. Clearly my actions are showing differently.

Christ's principles are so oxymoronish (i know that's not a word). I mean to gain ever lasting life, you give up your life to serve others. That's hard! We look at people all over the world who are giving up everything to focus on God and I can't give up TV for a week. I mean I can but I don't want to. And people make it sound so easy.

Perhaps its that I can't see the reward. But even if God showed me my reward, I probably still wouldn't be able to do what I need to do. Only until I am ready to risk it all will I be able to sacrifice for real.

I have to end with this: it's not easy, but its WORTH it. Because I don't feel like I'm dying inside. And the peace....I mean really not having to worry at all, its like nothing else.

Sometimes I just wanna shut everyone out and get to business. ME AND YOU GOD THAT'S IT. But that's not realistic. Plus I don't wanna spend my life alone. And God is not asking me to. Just enough time for Him to give me what I need, so that I don't feel like its so hard.