Giving Up?

I don’t wanna say giving up, more like coming to my senses. It truly pays to never say never. I said I’d never go back to Tulsa, Ok. I said it was NOT an option. I said that I would go anywhere else but back to Tulsa. Now I’m gonna eat my words because I’m going back. At least for awhile. I can’t save any money here. I can’t get a car which I really need. My mother presented the option to me, that I could save some money without the pressure of extra bills. In OK, I would have access to a car whereas while I’m here every time I wanna go somewhere I feel like I’m bothering someone and most of the time I am. And even though I’ve gotten used to taking the bus to work, I don’t know how to get anywhere else on it. Besides, its not very time efficient. Who wants to wait an hour for a ride that may or may not come when your errand only takes five minutes. I can’t look for another job because I don’t have the internet. I don’t have the internet because my computer is a dinosaur. My computer is a dinosaur because I can’t afford to get a new one.

I thought it would be less stressful for ME if I was to stay here. I have my own space here, an escape. At home there are people always in my face. No one can irk me like my family. But now I realize that I was being more selfish trying to stay here and straining myself and my family financially. When I could be helping someone else, I was thinking about myself.

I ‘m starting to get excited about going home, being around people who really love me. Like really, really love me. Not that there aren’t people here who love me and who I love, but I feel that in this college culture everyone is looking out for only themselves, including me. I feel like its not productive to my ultimate development.

Even my sister is excited about me coming home. I don’t know where that came from. We’ve always been better sisters in different states. Milyaka, my best friend, has already posted it in the newspapers that I’m on my way. There’s been a lady that comes to my job every week just to tell me I should go home. Since this is what everyone else thinks I should do, it really has made me not want to go. I have a problem with my stubbornness.

I saw the scariest thing on Dr. Phil. Mooching kids. Thirty-six year old adults living with their parents. That is the last thing I want to be. I have enough ambition not lay up under anyone.

Being here has shaped who I am and all I want to do is be independent. Free from depending on anyone and trust me as soon as I can, I’m getting out of there. I don’t want to be sheltered, I don’t want to be the baby, but at the same time I don’t want to become harder than I have to be to survive.

I feel like its all for a reason and I think there is a tremendous lesson for me in OK. So I’m going to see what it is. Tiff is gonna ride cross country with me in a U-haul. My homegirl Danielle has suggested we take a camera. That would be interesting. Can you imagine that? You’re already laughing, I can tell. Will anyone in VA miss me? Of course you will, even if you don’t know it yet.