heard that

I have a love/hate relationship with soul music. Its so deeply ingrained with sadness and the voices that sing it FEEL SO MUCH. You can't help but feel it. I grew up with this music and took to it quickly with vigor. Attached to that came the depression of the music. It speaks so badly of love. Love hurts, love don't love me, love seems to hate us. No wonder I've been commitment phobic, self-destructive and evasive. If you were to listen to some of my old mix CD's you'd think I was depressed and you'd be RIGHT. Why in the world was I depressed at 11 and 12 years old? How could I ever identify with any of this music and never experienced any type of love. There was a longing it, an ache you heard. It was good at first then turned for the worst. This music shaped my perception of love. And I thought I was a romantic.


These people don't know what love is.

I'm Dreamy

So, a co-worker says to me,"Why you so SERIOUS? Sometimes you be looking like you wanna slap me." I should have said, MAN I'm FOCUSED! But instead I said, I dunno... Its not like I don't have a silly side. Not everyone gets to see that. But when I'm at work, I'm working. That's why its called work. And I like my job so I'm constantly thinking of how to make things better. Plus I got lots of other things running through my mind. Making a lotta plans right now. Thinking so much!! I need a vacation. Anybody up for a cruise?

oh memories!!

Y'all ever got whipped with a switch? I don't know why this came to my mind today. I was just wondering if this was a country thing? Black people thing? Iono. And remember you had to get your OWN switch? And if you ain't pick out a good one then you had a get another one. My grandma had a really good switch bush. You tear the switch off, wrap your hand around the branch and go from the bottom to the top. Get all the leaves off that way.

Now somebody tell me why its called a switch? Because it could switch a bad attitude to a good one? Cus it changed from a tree branch to a device of disciplinary action in mere seconds?

I guess I started thinking bout this because I been thinking about kids lately. How to raise em. It might just be time to bring back the switch. I think I'll plant a switch bush just in case......

Its's gotta be something

One more week until the end of my fast and its not getting easier. The other day I was just thinking, I wanna quit. But I feel like this is the time where breakthrough is at the door. Today at work out of nowhere I was asked a series of questions about God and Jesus. Out of nowhere. I feel like if I was preparing for this moment, then it was worth it. I pray that I answered correctly. And I told them if only I just give you what I feel. Is there a way? People are sooo on guard about God and mention Jesus...oh its all over.

Basically we had a nearly intense conversation about witnessing and telling people about the Lord. How do you know truth is truth? How do you convince someone else about the truth? I believe God does give us opportunities to witness, but everyday should be a silent witness.

Everyday I'm learning. God is an awesome Teacher.

Who's getting old?

I went to my high school homecoming game. I had so much fun! My high school was like being at an HBCU. And no one who didn't go there understands. We had so much school pride. Plus I was a flag girl in the band, so during the third quarter the alumni got to perform with them. I'm more in shape than I thought. My kicks were higher than some of those high school girls! That was my workout for the week. This is one for the books.

Turn it around

So keeping this up is gonna be another challenge. My mind goes blank after work. Without television I gotta find something else to do. This would be a great time to finish all the things I procrastinated to do. Perhaps drawing, cleaning, or making some more lists(I love lists).

I am going to church tonight, they cut it down to an hour service. There are pros and cons to having one hour service. Pros: Its just one hour. Get in, get out, go home. Con: Its just one hour. Its hard for me to convince myself to drive to the other side of town for just an hour. Then if I happen to get out even a lil bit late, forget it. And right now, I'm tired. But I am gonna go.


My sister has been getting interested in God lately and I am happy about that. Sometimes I wonder what her motives are and really that's probably not for me to know. I'll just continue to pray for her and I hope she finds more than she was looking for.

OH buddy!

Look at ME go! Two days in a row posting! I'm trying to get back in the habit of writing some interesting stuff. I feel like I've lost my groove a lil bit. Then again, I don't really do anything or go anywhere. And really, I don't care to because if I did I probably still wouldn't have time to write. Mostly the reasons for my absence are because I moved down the street and I don't have a computer there.

Right now I'm fasting from television (don't ask if I've seen anything), meat (except fish), cheese (you know how I loves it) and chocolate. Needless to say, it has been a real challenge. But God has been showing me a lot. I can't wait to see what He reveals next. I'll most likely be writing about that.

But I will say this: I'm so tired of hearing that I'm old. I'm still in my TWENTIES! In my opinion, that ain't old. And I will never accept that. I look at like this. I feel like I'm still growing and learning at an amazing rate. So as long as I'm growing I won't be calling myself old.

So when I started my fast, I made the mistake of thinking all spiritually. Like I'm gonna be so much more loving! Clearly some of the first things I saw about myself were things that were so ungodly! I told my girl from church about it and she said," Well at least they're coming out."

I have this huge mirror in my living room. I started to write all those things on the mirror. One thing led to another and now my mirror is nearly full. I get the pleasure of looking at them everyday. So then I took the Word and applied scripture to everything. That in itself is a lesson. I was looking for something in my Bible and ran across this note. "The closer you get to God the more you realize your own sinfulness and unworthiness." The thing I love about God is that He rebuilds you. I'm so looking forward to what's gonna come out of this.

Watch ME

I know I haven't been too loyal to my blog. I kinda forgot about it for a while. But I'll try to do better.

What's been going on in my life? So much I may not have time to explain. But I do have a thought for now.

Being saved is like being a celebrity. Think about it. Everyone thinks they know you and they don't. Paparazzi always looking for dirt on you. If they don't find any, they make it up or go way back in the past to dig up some. Don't let you have one bad day... Oh no. Then the impression is made.

Now for the differences: Instead of rehab, we repent. We get the greatest rewards: peace, joy and righteousness. I love being saved! There's nothing like it. I've tried some things and observed others. This is where its at.

OK

I think I'm getting the hang of this.

goals, goals, goals

So in my discipleship group we've been focusing on answering God's call on our lives. Not that everyone just instantly knows what they've been called to do. Or even believe their calling. At this point we are exploring gifts, goals and interests then submitting them to God. Sounds like an air tight plan. Not as easy to execute. Fighting doubt, low self esteem and laziness every day can cause you to stay stuck. I've seen it . Its easy to be mediocre. I don't want to be that. Because its also disappointing.

Then we also expressed a fear that was common to most of us. The fear of being great. Actually accomplishing what you set out to do. I've been getting back into reading Dr. Myles Monroe's book Understanding Your Potential. He said, Failure is not in the lack of successes but rather failure is the lack of trying.

I'm not the most outgoing person. I'm not really good at networking. And I don't know that many people, but I know someone who knows everyone. I think I need to spend a little more time with Him.

I can't wait for the next Encounter.

Let's start a new trend

How bout we help each other out and stop settling for mediocrity? We seem to be afraid to reach our dreams. Make a difference in the world. Who has been telling us what we can't do. I for one am all about making others step up to their potential. I plan to lead by example.

As a person who had no ambition as a teen. I simply existed and dreamed, but never acted. I refuse to step down anymore. Anyone stepping into my life has to come up. I'm not coming down. I want more for myself than I've ever wanted. I'm taking steps to do those things.

Don't tell anybody

I'm a closet sports fan. I'll watch just about any sport on television. My favorite: basketball. I love it from an artistic point of view. I honestly think its the most graceful contact sport there is. Now I don't know anyone's stats. I won't be debating with anyone, so don't try and challenge me on my knowledge.

I do know who I like and right now, I'm all about the Celtics. Wherever Ray Allen is, I'm there. Plus you can't beat a team with Ray, Kevin Garnett, AND Paul Pierce. Oh yes, its about to go down, That game last night was freakin fabulous. I may not be able to watch them all. I get a lil outta control.

Anyway, GO CELTICS!!

Putting it all together

This a real grow up time for me. I got many issues and they seem to coming to the surface all right about now. I stay positive most of the time, oh but its gettin rough. I'll just put one of those issues out there. Trusting God. Pretty big, huh? And it seems so basic, right? But when I begin not to trust Him, I try to put things together on my own. A lil bit of a control freak am I.

I could get a job anywhere. I don't want just any job. I want the job that is going to propel me into my purpose. At this point I feel like I over stayed my time at my current job. I'm beginning to hate it. Don't wanna wake up and go there. Everyone is starting to irk me. Not a good look. Anyone who has ever looked for a job knows its a process. I've gotten calls from places where I just don't want to work. Sure its a job, but at what risk. I've been going to work and I feel like its a waste of time.

There's so much stuff I'm capable of doing. I'm looking for those open doors.

How frustrating it must be for God. Its like having to prove that your trustworthy every week to someone you love. You might just yell,"When are you finally gonna trust me?"

Just like everybody else I get discouraged sometimes as well. I really am thankful there's a Word for me when I get to church. I was starting to get overwhelmed. I'm much better now.

Ready or Not

I had an amazing experience with the Lord last night. Amazing because I hadn't felt that way in a long time. This week I have been going to prayer at my church mainly because its been available. I missed Tuesday simply because I found a big sticky stain on my shirt as I was about to get out of my car. Irrelevant maybe, but nonetheless it happened to be the end of a chaotic day anyway.

So, I got to prayer with a mission. I had to experience the presence of God. But I didn't wanna get all emotional, crying and snotting. I wanted to this very controlled and lady like. I sat there for an hour and nothing really happened. Nothing I could think of. And I felt like I was really trying to get there too. Maybe not really.

Anyway, church begins and my pastor forewarns us if we do want to experience a change, we might wanna leave the church. He goes through the message, a powerful one, then begins to pray. Oh he definitely was hearing from God. I was really trying not to be distracted, but I saw one of my friends that I'd been praying for go to the altar. Praise God! But there was some work to be done in me. I felt the power of God so strong. I had such a need to be delivered. I cried out for deliverance. I saw my other friend I'd been praying for go to the altar. Praise God. And He wasn't done with me yet. I was bent down so far I was crying UP. Even after the pastor said you are dismissed, there were still people worshiping at the altar including me. I went to hug my friend and after that went back to praising. If only we could have spent the night there.

Its so crazy that at church you can still feel the judgment so strong. People think they know whats going on because there's so much gossip. I know that people must have thought that my actions were for my friends. While I am grateful to God that they came to the altar, I'd been waiting all week to experience that level with God. I came to the realization earlier that day that just like He has a relationship with me, He has one with each of them. Though I pray for them, its not about what I do. I love them either way and so does He.

I also know that after you experience that level of worship, its hard to go home and change everything about what you'd been doing. Although you have begun a change in you, everything around you is the same. I think thats why so many people wanted to stay there. It's so much easier.

God is so worth it. I wish I could explain further. You have to know Him for yourself. I have a friend who is afraid to get close to God because he feels it means more pain in his life. We must love ourselves, but love Christ more. Thats hard for us because so long we've been fed to forget about HIM. This world is so screwed up. I think what he's looking for is a demonstration of God's power. And that is the beginning of another entry, but the end of this one.

Preparation is key

I had an interview today. The first one I was actually excited about. This morning started off in utter chaos. I had to finish my hair (which is no easy task in itself), find out where the place was and get a professional copy of my resume. I thought I would have enough time. Apparently, I didn't. I had to run up to my apartment at three times because of things I had forgotten. Let me tell you, running up and down three flights of stairs in heels is not fun. It is a good work out though.

Anyway, I get directions. I'm like 'Forget the resume, just get there'. Speed down the highway and I'm in the general area of the building, but cannot find it. You gotta know how frustrating it is to be so close, yet so far. I start praying, Lord what do I do? Do I call? I'm so late. That looks so unprofessional. Should I reschedule? Its kinda late to reschedule. I've missed it. God is taking too long to answer me. So I call Tiff. No answer. I call my mom. No answer. I call Milyaka. Straight to voicemail. So I go back to God. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

As I'm driving I hear the CD I'm listening to "He's still in control" they sing. "He's sovereign and He knows". And I'm like yeah, yeah. I know all that. But what do I do NOW? And God reminds me to trust Him. If not this interview, there will be another. Therefore, be prepared next time.

This whole episode was a very quick lesson learned. I literally just got out of the car to write this. How can you expect the blessing if you're not prepared to receive it?

Its time

So I gave my two weeks notice to my boss and I'm grateful for the peace of God in doing it. Had I stayed and continued to do well, I might have become complacent. Feels like a new chapter in my life and there's been confirmation all around. Now I can toward my ultimate goals in my life.

Praise God

Thank you DADDY for doing what you've promised you would do! I can't even explain what it means to me.

Salvation

I thank God that I'm saved and my friends should thank God as well. If it had not been for the Lord, I would be the wenchiest wench (or a Double W as coined by Tiff) that you would ever know. In addition to being a mean person, I had a foul mouth. Now to some, that may have been entertaining but to me it was exhausting. I was a mean person and never denied it. And as most know misery loves company. But I don't think Misery is as popular as people would think. Misery might love company, but who wants really wants to be around her?

As a Christian I cut out the foul mouth, but I have still have a weapon. An arsenal as a matter of fact. I tend to be right about most things. No really its true. It seems that I must let people know that too. At the time I think I'm doing them a favor. Don't you want to know whats right? In the end, I get satisfaction from knowing I was right. What does that make me? Self- righteous? Ewwww. That is not sexy.

I'm skimming through this book I picked up in the library. The Power of Purpose: Living well by doing good. Just by the title I know its gotta be Biblical. And it is, but not overtly. The way of the world is to take Biblical principals, yet don't give God the credit. Anyway, the part that caught my attention is a chapter called Winning the War. "The feeling of power that comes from making a clever, cutting remark or proving yourself smarter than someone else is a petty victory." Ouch. I felt that.

I've been praying about being judgmental because clearly I can be. I don't want to be right with the risk of pushing others away. And I have learned it doesn't really matter if you were right or not, people do what they want anyway. There's really no need it making them feel small after they realize they've made a bad decision. What if you were just supportive in the end once they've finally come to themselves? They wouldn't resent you for looking down at them, but thank you for being there.

Erykah Badu said in a magazine,"Being humble is so 2007." Humility may be out of style, but its definitely a necessity.

how's it goin?

So how's the new place? How you like the apartment? All questions I've been asked. I mean there's not too much there. It's quiet and I mean that in a good way. I can't wait until I get some furniture. I've been asked what I need. Y'all know I love lists so I told em. I've never lived alone before. It's very strange. I feel like its something that I need to do. Maybe I'm not as independent as I thought. Then I started to think, is this the way it will be forever? I'm jumping the gun, I know. And I've only been there a couple weeks. So now its furniture time.

I'm tired of sleeping on the floor. Its too hard to get outta bed when bed is on the floor. Its like climbing upward which takes more energy than swinging your legs over. You're already halfway standing up. Furniture is coming in two days.

Plus, I've had all this crap going on with my phone. Haven't been able to call anyone. Great introspective time. Now I'm ready for my phone back. I'm just wondering what my voicemail has on it. Can't wait to listen to messages from a month ago.... and erase them.

My niece wrote me a letter. She's only 3, so it was one SHE had to read to ME. It said, "Kita Come home, I love you." Then a couple hours later it said, "Kita Stay with me, I love you very much. " Touched me wayyy deep in my heart. I love my baby, but I gotta grow up and I HAD to get out.

Speaking of growing up......HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!

Those leeches again

I have a lil cousin who likes to tell me about her day to day life. I appreciate being the big cousin that she feels she can talk to, but at the same time its all so immature. I realize that I am definitely in a different generation. I know she's a kid and they do immature things, but I just wanna say, "Grow up!!" Maybe I expect more from her and I shouldn't. I don't know what its like to go to high school these days. I don't know the pressure she's under. But what I want to do is help her see the bigger picture. Life is bigger than high school. Guys, I know she's not my age. That doesn't change the fact that childish ways irk me. Especially from people who want to say, 'I'm grown'.

I've always felt this burden when people want to tell you about their lives and problems. What do you do? Do you let them make their own mistakes and say nothing? Do you give advice and watch them make the mistake anyway? Sometimes I feel its better to say nothing because at least you don't have to say 'I told you so' at the end of it all. Its better for me anyway. But sometimes I can't help it.

I try to drill into her, learn from my mistakes!! Don't make stupid choices!! The reason I feel like she's in my life right now is because we are so similar and she may be one of the reasons that I have to be in OK right now. I guess I have to get over the immaturity.

Also on my mind about kids, when does it start being OK for people to stop doing the things they were taught as kids? In my friends' class someone asked is it OK for us to call someone a derogatory term if its true? NO! People don't know that its not a good idea to insult someone. Yet we tell our kids, don't say mean things. There are words that adults use that seem fine but if your 3-year-old repeats them, they might just get beat. I believe everything starts with the parents. I'm scared for this next generation with all these babies having babies, they haven't fully developed themselves. And everyone is getting knocked up these days!

What can you do?

Well I call myself trying to honor my word by going to this wedding of a high school friend and I ended up getting lost twice and losing my cell phone. I am about tired of my cell phone provider anyway, so I think I'll cancel it all together. But in the meantime until I can get a new phone, I'll be without one. That should be interesting. Also I may have to change my phone number which I've been trying to avoid. I liked having my lil piece of VA. Perhaps its all for the best. Lord, knows I never could bring myself to erase anyone's number. It was full of numbers that would never call me and I would never call them. I'm sure I'll recover the ones that count and there's always the internet.

On top of all that, I've been attempting to move over the weekend. Getting rid of some of the clutter at my moms. Eventually, I'll be moving the big stuff. And you know when that refund check rolls in I'll get my bedroom set.

Right now I'm not really trippin. If you really gotta get me, you know how.

Sweet freedom

Folks, I'm finally getting out. I've been planning on moving away from my family since I got here two years ago and its finally happening. Granted, I'm moving just down the street, but its more space and its mine. I finally get to see what kind of budget I'm really working with.

I have to admit I'm kinda nervous about living by myself. I've never done it before. Even in the dorm there were people just down the hall if you got the urge to chat. At least if and when my friends plan to visit I'll have a place for them to stay. And I'm so excited about decorating the whole place. Find out what my decorating style actually is.

unofficial wedding crashers

So this year, I find myself invited to at least four weddings. And where I go, my crew goes. I think we're gonna start an album. Because at least we always look fabulous and its an actual occasion to look fabulous.

I'm learning

Two things that might help me be on time:
Realizing that it now takes me longer than 30 min to get ready.
Realizing that not everywhere I go only takes 15 min of travel time.