Just the start...

Well I have been one busy diva! Just got back from Houston this week for a store opening. It was so much fun. The company you're with can make or break a trip. Thankfull,y I was with a group of girls who were all jokes. Kept things from getting too stressful. And I'm all about taking trips away from my job. It starts to get so monotonous.

Anyway, on to deeper subjects. I often fall asleep thinking of really deep stuff which sometimes leads to me not being able to sleep till later. I've been reading this book called A Heart Ablaze. I got the book because my Twelve is watching the dvd series and I couldn't get to all the meetings. It's mad deep. It focuses on having a heart on fire for God. Well I was like, I definitely want that. One of the things he said was, "God did not put Adam in the garden to have a worldwide ministry." He was there to walk with God in the cool of the day. We were created to have an intimate relationship with God. And it gets deeper, trust me.

So this leads me to night waking thoughts. What is it really to be lukewarm? Am I lukewarm? God hates lukewarm more than anything. He said, I'd rather you be hot or cold. Better you be cold and know it than think you're hot and not be. Or be pretending to be all about Him and you're not. I constantly check myself or get checked. And its hard getting checked. Kind of a shock to your self esteem. I've found myself have to be built back up by God. It's worth it.

Suffering

This question was in my mind as I lay down to sleep last night. When is the right time to choose suffering? Jesus had a choice to be delivered from the cross. He could have just thought of some other way to bring awareness about God. He didn't even want to die. But it had to happen to make atonement for our sin.

In my life I've had several instances where I could have taken the easy road or taken a much more uncomfortable road. I, of course, took the easy road. Who paid for my choice? Who was NOT changed because I didn't want to be uncomfortable?

This is a question for God, but if you have any scriptural basis or any thoughts please post them.

Let's get real

So at this point, I have no reason not to be completely one hundred with my audience. You have seen me at some really low points. And if you haven't just go through the archives, I haven't erased anything. I feel the urge to fully express myself but with respect to those involved I'll try and keep some things private.

When I came back to OK after school I had every intention of "getting right" with the Lord. For one reason I felt there were no distractions here for me. And even more than equipping me with a church that would teach me how connect with God, He gave me what I felt was a team. Support to walk this thing out, which is something I felt like I didn't have while I was in school. Thus the reason I blamed my blacksliding on.

And where I am almost two years later, I no longer have that team. I think I threw a pity party for myself for about two weeks. Then I really started to pray. My whole concern is what in the world allows justification for back sliding when you have a church and support to help you walk out your salvation? Well, if I don't know anything else I now know that it is a personal decision to follow God. And we make that decision everyday. It's easier than you think to fall off. I think its like being always being in a crowd of people and still feeling lonely. If you don't have that personal relationship with God, which means allowing Him to be God, then you don't know you have someone who always with you. If nothing else, losing my team has taught me that at the beginning and end of the day I have to know that God is there and not to depend on people to keep me saved. Only I affect my walk with the Lord.

The reason I backslid two years ago was not because I didn't have support. (Well thats not the only reason) It's mostly because there was something I wanted to experience and I didn't realize at the time that it wasn't worth the experience. Although it would have been great to have the resources that I have today and had when I actually decided to follow Christ, if I didn't make the decision then that I was going to follow Him no matter what, it wouldn't have made a difference.

So to my sisters, its not that I don't miss you or love you that I'm not around as much. And to tell you the truth it has very little to do with your extra-curricular activities. I don't even really know what you're doing these days and vice versa. I'm not worried about being brought down, I want to be built up. I make no apologies for my decision. I could have continued to just sit and shake my head at you, but I was not helping you. You may not understand it, but I don't understand yours either. No matter what I'm still on your team, your support for the right things. And although I'd rather there not be any friction between us, it seems to be inevitable because we disagree on a deeper level. And we could hang out, but it wouldn't make sense. Even if you see it as being selfish, what better reason to be selfish about than who you're in covenant with? Just so you know I'm not looking for any new best friends, you guys are truly irreplaceble. There are no words for how I feel for the two of you. And if I have to be alone right now, it's cool for me. I take for granted nothing that we all shared and I still believe we have untapped levels to discover together. I think this separation is to teach each one of us something and for me its not to forget my most important relationship is with Him. I pray that it is only for a short season that we are not together.

Start again

Perhaps if we begin to think of every birthday as a new beginning and not the end of an era, it might inspire us to do new things. My birthday is a few months off, I can't wait to see what the 25th will bring. What new things will start to sprout up in my life? I have started thinking about the next step in my life. Something completely different than what I've done before. It's an exciting time.

I've started thinking about grad school or maybe even art school. Maybe starting over in a new city, which actually doesn't excite me all that much. Not as much as it did when I first left for college. I'm not as eager to meet new people, but I realize that is inevitable. I am giving myself six months to settle into the idea. And all of this is null and void if the Lord sets me in another direction.

I've noticed how much of a distraction my television is and therefore I am turning it off more than I am turning it on. Lucky for you guys that means more blog time! YAY! I'll keep you abreast of any developments.

Life as it is

My mind went back to a list that my spiritual mom had us write out in Bible study one night. I believe it was family and friends who needed to be saved. Well I saw my Dad tonight and he told me he went to church on Sunday. When he told me what the message was and that he realized he needed a change I was just praising God on the inside. Seeing people actually start to see Him is a wonderful and beautiful thing.


On a random note: I just wonder how it would affect society if as adults we were allowed to have recess as a part of the work day. Just to have half an hour to go out on the swings or get on the merry go round. To actually see people let loose. I think it'd be awesome.

random thoughts

These "models" online who have professional pictures online. Who are they modeling for? Do they have an agency? Are they getting paid for these pics? What would Tyra say? Looks like an excuse to get oiled up and take off their clothes to me.

Dag it sucks that I can't remember some of my 'friends' on facebook and myspace. Nope not even a remnant of a memory.

I gotta get a better job so I can travel more....

What did that dream mean last night. I had a great car in it though. Tv's in the doors.

It's funny how some people just seem to pop back into your life right on time. Like now.... I was just expecting to hear from you.


Why have I not moved from this spot in three hours? OK OK I'm going....
I keep hearing songs from freshman year. Makes me miss the dorms and those lock-ins at Student Center. The most awesome year ever. 2001!