Happy Valentine's Day

So this was a little different for me. Emotionally at least. I think a few years ago I realized that it was a waste of time being bitter about being single on Valentine's day. Also I heard myself complaining a few days ago and I got sick of it. I told God that I'ma quit complaining being single. I know what He promised me and it's done. So no I didn't have any plans tonight, but I was super excited to watch Glee.

One thing that does help things is that my office is major ego booster. I work with majority men who are extremely sweet but mostly way older and/or taken. Which helps in two ways: they are used to the female species and aren't goofy jerks. One of my co-workers asked if I was doing anything tonight. I told him no. And he says 'what do you mean? You don't have guys knocking down your door?' I said, absolutely not. He said, 'I don't know what's wrong with guys, you're an amazing person!' Well  that's just stuff I can put in my pocket for a rainy day and its always nice to hear.

So for now I'm cool with my circumstances. Nothing spectacular about this day, but it wasn't disappointing either. Therefore, I can look forward to better days and continue to appreciate those who are in my life right now.

Whitney

Music is an extremely powerful gift. It's surrounded me my whole life. So much so it baffles me that some people don't feel as attached to it as I do. So to me, Whitney was like an Auntie. In fact she reminded me of one of my favorite cousins who will always embody her beauty to me. Her music not only swept me away but helped to train my young voice. Even if I couldn't always reach those soprano notes, it stretched me. Performing "I'm your baby tonight" for my stuffed animals taught me stage presence.

Even though, I gave up performance in my youth Whitney's voice is unmatched. There would be good ones, but nothing like this. I was listening to "You give good love" not too long ago and was thinking 'This woman is a beast'. It's amazing how she just reached up into the sky with no warning and snatched some ridiculous notes.

So when I heard about her death my heart sank. Even days later it seems unreal. I've never been a person to put a celebrity or anyone on a pedestal. But this one hit me. I didn't know her as a person, but she was human like any other. I appreciate her artistry and am truly saddened about these circumstances.

Now I feel like going out and buying all her music.

Update for 2012

Believe it or not I have been writing. I have several posts that I'm going to try and release periodically. But last year ended with a bang and this year began with one. First off, I'm glad 2011 is over. It ended my career in retail and bondage to the mall. The first year I've been on my own and unemployed. Probably one of the most financially stressful years of my life. Through it all God has been really good. I feel like I've grown spiritually. I've gained some new revelations about myself and matured. I've got a new group of homegirls, S/O to the Legendary Ruth Crew as one of my followers coined us. I've opened myself up to the possibilities of a romantic relationship although no one has crossed my path just yet. It's all about being open first. Then after exploring what field of work I would like to go into next I began to ponder the possibility of going back to school. Also there have been several projects in which I would love to put some extra time into and continue developing my business sensibility. So I feel like this year is going to be one of the most productive years I've ever had. I'm looking forward to new relationships, business ventures and experiences. And technically this is the my last year in my 20's. Time to go out with a bang and give 30 a round house kick to the forehead!

Hope for the Nation

I was reading an article on a site that lately I frequent often Clutch Magazine. The title Are we too smart for that old time religion?  Made me want to see what the content of the article was because I am a believer. And while several things stuck out to me there was one particular quote that struck me. A professor of religion from blah university stated Black people are “worse off because of our allegiance to theism. We have seen suffering as a mark of closeness to God.” The consensus of the professor’s argument is there no use for God now that we have advanced so much as a people with education and opportunities granted to us through civil rights.

Now this is where I step in. For many years I believe the church has been trying to redefine religion and educate believers on what the difference is. Religion is tradition, rituals and obligations. It has very little to do with belief or relationship with the Creator. I will never forget hearing Myles Monroe teach at a conference and say that (I’ll paraphrase) Jesus never came to bring a religion. In fact he was tearing down religious mindsets left and right. I’ve heard many sermons preached about coming against religion and yet what I was reading in the comments section was not only the defiance of Christ but of God altogether.

Several people brought up that they tried to wrestle with the Bible, found it to be confusing and decided it did not and would not apply to their lives. Where they had a problem is having Christian values forced upon them without their say so. For example, prayer in schools and such. But what if I have a problem with homosexuality being taught as a viable lifestyle in the schools? Do I have a say so? You don’t want to hear my Gospel music in the car, but I don’t want to hear your music about sex, drugs and immorality.

We will never come to a peaceful resolution because at the core of it, we don’t agree. However, I do have sympathy for those who have never allowed themselves to surrender enough to know the Lord. It’s seriously the best feeling ever and life. We all will have hard times, but it’s better to have peace in the middle of it all. At this point in my life, I have seen enough of the good and bad to know I could never deny the existence of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit nor Their activity in my life. And believe me, I’m one of those inquisitive people who asks the deeeeep questions of life. I was not even raised in the church. But every time I have a question about life, God finds a way to answer it or give me peace in not knowing absolutely EVERYTHING.  By all accounts I probably should not be a member of the church. I like to explore a broad spectrum of life. I research everything I’m curious about. If I like a CD I read all the liner notes, the lyrics, the artists’ biography everything. I love information. However, when I got to a very dark place in my life and I said God, I can’t take this and I can’t do it on my own. I’m all in. He walked me through the process. He made me secure in Him and myself.  I know He’s real.

We can pick the Bible apart together. You can ask questions and get the answers. But at heart of it, you will believe what you want. I’m not delusional. I’ve seen the workings and miracles of God firsthand. I have seen the manifestation of demons before my eyes. I know which side I want to belong to. And while I would love for everyone to know Him just as I do, I know that may never happen. And because this is America and everyone is entitled to their opinion, I don’t argue with non-believers. But I am here as a testament of Christ and I stand on what I know.

Homeless

So I had mishap last night. I had been staying at a friends' because it was close to work. I went back last night to get my things and pay their rent. They live in a triplex so their landlord lives next door. I'd gotten all my things together and the last thing I had to do was slip the rent in the door slot. Well I closed the door behind me and you guessed it, it locked.

First thought, knock on the door. Surely, the landlord will open the door and unlock it for you. No answer. Second, try the other apt. No answer. So after ringing door bells and knocking on doors for I don't know how long, I started to wonder what I would do. What numbers I actually remembered off the top of my head that were relevant.

Dialogue from my head:

Well I could just wait out here until they get back. I'm glad I wore a jacket. Oh my goodness! What if she's gone out of town? WHY ARE HER LIGHTS STILL ON? I don't know where I could walk without a bunch of homeless, scary looking people around. How am I gonna get Ashley from the airport on Monday? Her keys are in my car too. My keys are in the freaking house!

Like what would you do if you suddenly had no cell phone, no transportation, no access to your house because the person with your spare key is out of town? I was the definition of screwed. So I went to the neighbors house who was having some kind of girls' night and was about to head out for the night. I asked if she had the landlord's number, which luckily she did but unluckily it went straight to voicemail.  I called my sister, who also thankfully has a spare to my car. I wasn't totally locked out from my possessions. But I wondered how would I get to my own house or if my apt office would even be open on Christmas Eve. To make an already long story short, thank God that there's one more person who has keys to this place and she's meeting me today.

I wasn't homeless for long and for that I'm grateful. How are your survival skills?

Your gift will make room for you

I spent half the day a couple of Saturdays ago sangin. And when I say sangin I mean belting out notes like I never have before even when I was alone. I don't call myself a singer because I've never taken the time to develop this particular gift. It gave me an appreciation for those who practice, train their voices and take care of their vocal chords. And it showed me that I also that I do not want to sing for a living. However, it’s on my list of goals to start developing more of my natural gifts and talents. I had planned on having an actual day every week to publish a blog, but somewhere along the way my social life took off!

Anyway, after all of that I realized that I'd never pushed myself that hard in all the years I've been singing. There are a lot of things I never pushed myself to do or develop and I’m thinking its left me in a revolving state of apathy. So many things I could do, but don’t. Would I be more fulfilled if I worked harder? How high could I reach if I put in more time?

Even in high school I was involved with many activities, but I sailed through most of them. I got a 3.0, not even trying. Graduated from college and hardly worked to my potential. As I look back, I could get really disappointed. But I really want to learn from this. Come out of the hole of complacency. To tell you the truth, before Christ I had no ambition to do anything. NONE. I did what I thought I should do and clearly not to the best of my ability.

This seems to be a common theme in my life. I feel like the wrong one in the parable of the talents. You know, the one that buried his talents (Matthew25:14-28). But why have I buried them? That parable says he buried what he was given out of fear. Now we’re getting somewhere. Although, my reason for not shooting for the stars before was a lack of ambition, now the excuse has to be fear.

So what is the solution? Well for me it began with outlining goals. And that was something that was recently done. Next in the plan is creating discipline. This is especially hard for a go with the flow type of person like me. Waking up early when I don’t have a clear reason to. Cleaning EVERYDAY. Studying when there’s no visible test in front of me. Tuning in to hear the Lord when I’m not fasting.  And for real, sometimes I totally feel like I have ADD because I have the hardest time focusing and concentrating when I’m not busy.

I’ve got lots of excuses as to why I haven’t done what I can. I’ve read the books on purpose and I’m still trying to mentally get to the point where I believe I actually can reach those goals. Yeah, it’s a process. I’m positive every time I post a blog that I chose the right name for it. Where do we go from here? To the moon!!!

Moving Forward

So my plan was to get back into my writing and post a blog every week. BUT there a lil snafu in the plans since I don't have easy access to the internet at the time.

A little bit of an update: I started a temp job and since I had been out of work for about a month and a half, it feels really good to have somewhere to go and something to do everyday that doesn't eat into my nights and weekends. While I had all that time to gather my thoughts and figure out where I would go from here (my life story), it gave me time to seek God in what to do and where to direct my attention.

I'm completely changing careers which I've found that as hard as it is to get without any experience it may be harder or just as hard to break into a field after you've had years of experience in one area. My advice to those who are trying to break out of their box is focus on those universal skills you gained that can be used anywhere.

What God also revealed to me was my lack of trust in Him to provide and where it stemmed from. I tell you what, I was shocked. So now begins the process of digging up the root of that mistrust. My church has begun a fast this month and you would think this would be the perfect opportunity to dig into this issue. Yeah well lemme be honest. This has been one of the hardest fasts for me. Everyday I'm just wanting to give up. It's totally been a battle.

But during my time off I gained a fire to develop my things that are on my goals list. If nothing else, I've began to utilize my time more wisely. Started to pay attention to my finances so I will never again be in the same position. Mils told me about a book called the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and has heard great things about it from others. It's in my Amazon shopping cart as we speak.


So.....Where do we go from here? There's one place to go. Forward.