Homeless

So I had mishap last night. I had been staying at a friends' because it was close to work. I went back last night to get my things and pay their rent. They live in a triplex so their landlord lives next door. I'd gotten all my things together and the last thing I had to do was slip the rent in the door slot. Well I closed the door behind me and you guessed it, it locked.

First thought, knock on the door. Surely, the landlord will open the door and unlock it for you. No answer. Second, try the other apt. No answer. So after ringing door bells and knocking on doors for I don't know how long, I started to wonder what I would do. What numbers I actually remembered off the top of my head that were relevant.

Dialogue from my head:

Well I could just wait out here until they get back. I'm glad I wore a jacket. Oh my goodness! What if she's gone out of town? WHY ARE HER LIGHTS STILL ON? I don't know where I could walk without a bunch of homeless, scary looking people around. How am I gonna get Ashley from the airport on Monday? Her keys are in my car too. My keys are in the freaking house!

Like what would you do if you suddenly had no cell phone, no transportation, no access to your house because the person with your spare key is out of town? I was the definition of screwed. So I went to the neighbors house who was having some kind of girls' night and was about to head out for the night. I asked if she had the landlord's number, which luckily she did but unluckily it went straight to voicemail.  I called my sister, who also thankfully has a spare to my car. I wasn't totally locked out from my possessions. But I wondered how would I get to my own house or if my apt office would even be open on Christmas Eve. To make an already long story short, thank God that there's one more person who has keys to this place and she's meeting me today.

I wasn't homeless for long and for that I'm grateful. How are your survival skills?

Your gift will make room for you

I spent half the day a couple of Saturdays ago sangin. And when I say sangin I mean belting out notes like I never have before even when I was alone. I don't call myself a singer because I've never taken the time to develop this particular gift. It gave me an appreciation for those who practice, train their voices and take care of their vocal chords. And it showed me that I also that I do not want to sing for a living. However, it’s on my list of goals to start developing more of my natural gifts and talents. I had planned on having an actual day every week to publish a blog, but somewhere along the way my social life took off!

Anyway, after all of that I realized that I'd never pushed myself that hard in all the years I've been singing. There are a lot of things I never pushed myself to do or develop and I’m thinking its left me in a revolving state of apathy. So many things I could do, but don’t. Would I be more fulfilled if I worked harder? How high could I reach if I put in more time?

Even in high school I was involved with many activities, but I sailed through most of them. I got a 3.0, not even trying. Graduated from college and hardly worked to my potential. As I look back, I could get really disappointed. But I really want to learn from this. Come out of the hole of complacency. To tell you the truth, before Christ I had no ambition to do anything. NONE. I did what I thought I should do and clearly not to the best of my ability.

This seems to be a common theme in my life. I feel like the wrong one in the parable of the talents. You know, the one that buried his talents (Matthew25:14-28). But why have I buried them? That parable says he buried what he was given out of fear. Now we’re getting somewhere. Although, my reason for not shooting for the stars before was a lack of ambition, now the excuse has to be fear.

So what is the solution? Well for me it began with outlining goals. And that was something that was recently done. Next in the plan is creating discipline. This is especially hard for a go with the flow type of person like me. Waking up early when I don’t have a clear reason to. Cleaning EVERYDAY. Studying when there’s no visible test in front of me. Tuning in to hear the Lord when I’m not fasting.  And for real, sometimes I totally feel like I have ADD because I have the hardest time focusing and concentrating when I’m not busy.

I’ve got lots of excuses as to why I haven’t done what I can. I’ve read the books on purpose and I’m still trying to mentally get to the point where I believe I actually can reach those goals. Yeah, it’s a process. I’m positive every time I post a blog that I chose the right name for it. Where do we go from here? To the moon!!!

Moving Forward

So my plan was to get back into my writing and post a blog every week. BUT there a lil snafu in the plans since I don't have easy access to the internet at the time.

A little bit of an update: I started a temp job and since I had been out of work for about a month and a half, it feels really good to have somewhere to go and something to do everyday that doesn't eat into my nights and weekends. While I had all that time to gather my thoughts and figure out where I would go from here (my life story), it gave me time to seek God in what to do and where to direct my attention.

I'm completely changing careers which I've found that as hard as it is to get without any experience it may be harder or just as hard to break into a field after you've had years of experience in one area. My advice to those who are trying to break out of their box is focus on those universal skills you gained that can be used anywhere.

What God also revealed to me was my lack of trust in Him to provide and where it stemmed from. I tell you what, I was shocked. So now begins the process of digging up the root of that mistrust. My church has begun a fast this month and you would think this would be the perfect opportunity to dig into this issue. Yeah well lemme be honest. This has been one of the hardest fasts for me. Everyday I'm just wanting to give up. It's totally been a battle.

But during my time off I gained a fire to develop my things that are on my goals list. If nothing else, I've began to utilize my time more wisely. Started to pay attention to my finances so I will never again be in the same position. Mils told me about a book called the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and has heard great things about it from others. It's in my Amazon shopping cart as we speak.


So.....Where do we go from here? There's one place to go. Forward.

Generation Gap?

From what I'm told, I don't "look" my age. But honestly, I don't think people know what people my age look like. I think they're expecting something else. Anywho, I looked up one day and all of my close friends are 4+ years younger than I am. This is fine because I don’t think I look like the odd older chick trying to stay relevant with the kids.


Plus we are in the same stage of life; Single, post-college career women with no children. However, they are not as far removed from college as I am. It’s OK for them to have friends in college and date college age men. Not so much for me. I guess my question is: Where are my peers? And more importantly: where are the men my age?


They all can't be married with children.... Although most of my classmates I know are. As far as age is concerned I don't see myself going much younger than 24-25 or older than 33. I've read about women dating younger men. Does it really work? I don't really know any in real life. My dad is 3 years younger than my mom and that didn't end well. But in my eyes my dad is probably younger than I am....so that doesn't say much for older men either. Hm.


Welp. I'm sure folks would say don't concentrate too much on age, it’s all about maturity. Kinda like in the retail world we would tell women it’s not about the size of the dress, but about the fit. This is totally true. Some women won't even try on a bigger size because of the number in it. Because it represents something they never wanted to identify with themselves. But what they fail to realize is that companies manufacture things differently. An ill-fitting garment can look worse than if you had just gone up a size. I hope that metaphor came across well. I said all that to say, it’s not about the number. However, that doesn't mean it’s going to feel comfortable.


I can't see myself dating a 22 year old. But I would be willing to go for it once just to prove myself right.

Short end of the stick

To put the issue to bed once and for all, I'm writing a response to a twitter discussion that involved quite a few people I know. A question sparked it all: As a tall woman, would you date a short man?


My response is no. It’s not for me. My reasoning? I'm simply not attracted to shorter men. There is not one shorter man than I could have seen myself being in a relationship with. Nor do I care to. The men involved in the discussion began to ask, 'You would turn down a perfectly good man just because of height?' To me that’s like asking a man, 'You would turn down a perfectly good woman because she's light skinned or flat chested or thick?' A question of prejudice? A matter of preference or is it a requirement? Whatever it may be, there's no changing my mind.


Now some of my tall sisters brought up being able to feel secure if their man is taller than them. And some said that it was the men that became insecure dating a taller woman. But while I was writing this I began to wonder, am I secure enough to date a short man? The answer is a swift and quick: NO. And that's not something I'm interested in building up my self esteem to do. Especially when I don't have to.


I am above average for a woman standing 5 feet 8 inches tall. I am taller than most men I come across especially with my heels on and I ain't stepping off my stilettos for nobody. I prefer my men to be taller. No, I'm not saying that just because you're tall that I will be interested. That's simply the first step. Now am I cutting myself off from a sea of men because of their height? Am I doomed to be single because I don't want to be able to put my arm around my man’s shoulders? Well if you think those are the consequences, just know that I thirst for no man and refuse to settle just to have one. I read that God will provide the desires of my heart if I delight myself in Him. Trust me, I'm delighted.


Matchmaker Paul C. Brunson says height is what most women he comes across site as a ’non-starter'. Or something that automatically cuts a man from their dating pool. He mentions that there are on 14% of the male population that are over 6 ft tall. He obviously feels that in the world of matchmaking women are selling themselves short (no pun intended). However, I feel that 14% is more than enough for me. I only need ONE. I tend to look on the bright side of things.


Therefore I don't believe I'm missing out just because of my preference (requirement). I am simply aware of what I like.

A house is not a home....

...... until you decorate it and put pictures up.

People like to think because I like fashion and know how to put an outfit together that somehow that equates to interior decoration. Not so much. It takes more of a commitment to put a room together than it does to put an outfit together. I mean you’re gonna look at that room day after day. If I don’t like my outfit I can tweak here and or change it all together because well I’ve got lots of clothes. However, I don’t have lots of furniture and drapery to interchange. So whatever I decide on has to stick.

I just moved into a new apt. I said I didn’t decorate my last apt because I didn’t like it. Truth is I didn’t really like it and I’m not that good at it. But I promised in this upgrade of an apt that I would get my grown woman on and actually put pictures on the wall. Right now I’m still in the concept and color picking stage but at least I’m thinking about it.

This speaks to other areas of my life. I’m a lil commitment phobic. It’s probably the reason why I’m not in a relationship and why I’ve never gotten a tattoo.  Stability is a foreign concept to me. I admire it, but have not really experienced it firsthand. Being a child of divorce and having moved around quite a bit in my early years has given me the itch to change things every two years. My pastor said just last night that you have to change the script you’ve been given in life. I believe recognizing there’s an issue is the first step.

I would love to be at a job for 10 years. Not because I have to, but because I love it. There’s a reason my blog is called Where do we go from here. I’m constantly asking what the next step is.  So this house decorating is all in preparation for the next step. And I’m getting rid of my phobia and settling in. Not only to help with my commitment issues, but also because my family is tired of helping me move.

Unexpected Vacation

Well there's so much to say...which has kept me from writing in the first place. I've been on a lil vacation of sorts.    I knew I would be leaving my job soon, but it certainly didn't happen the way I thought it would. And to put it lightly, I was released from my duties. I was prepared to fight at first and when I saw there was nothing I could to say to change things. I let go. This is definitely a first for me. It was like the first time I failed a class. Being the type of person who was used to doing things well and being praised for them, the fact that someone found fault in my work was hard to accept.

But then there came the peace of God. Letting me know that everything was going to work out for my good. And what I've come to find is that maybe I settled so much in that job because it was comfortable I wouldn't have left without having been forced out. So with no restrictions or obligations, I've allowed myself to be open to whatever is available to be done. Being there to help with my church or help my friend move or go out of town to see my family wouldn't have happened if I didn't have this time available.

And it came in perfect timing for me to attend Word Explosion which is a yearly conference held here in Tulsa. I feel so much more empowered by going this year.

I do have a position that I am interviewing for and I feel really good about it. It has not come without a fight. Whereas I thought it came really easily at first, it has been a test of persistence. Never underestimate the power of persistence.

Now the vacation is coming to a close and I still have lots to do. Here we go!

What keeps me going

There are somethings I will miss about my current position. Although they may be few, they have kept me going.

1. My customers are THE best. I've been in retail for almost 6 years now and I've never had customers that I've connected to in this way. They are considerate, funny, interesting and we've shared quite a bit of time together. I'm even considering inviting all of my regulars to a farewell dinner once I find out my start date.

2. Seeing the new stuff come in before everyone else. There's something about getting that exclusive look.

3. The discount of course. It's a gift and a curse. You know why.

4. And oh yeah it's my only source of  exercise. I think I walk about 3 miles a day (No lie). All the lifting and bending and such. I guess I'ma have to find me a gym...

Single life

So I feel like I'm getting prepared. I'm in training and everything is a lesson. I'm taking notes. I'm listening close and I'm getting chastised for my mistakes. This is what the Lord has been showing me.

Don't waste your time. God is purposeful and everything should be used especially your time. People are important and should be treated as such. Respect people and their feelings. Know your boundaries and what you will and won't accept. Know why you're doing things. Pay attention to your connections and what they are to teach you. Be careful who you connect yourself and your purpose to. Push past your limitations. Pray about everything. Reach for your goals and achieve them. 

Looking back

Here's a list of the things I will not miss about my current job.

1. Working nights and weekends- This is when everybody does stuff. I'm not completely anti-social. I'm not extremely non-committal. I just have to work every time people plan stuff and everyone else is off.

2.The temptation- I work in my favorite clothing store, therefore I love everything that comes in. It's putting a dent in my bank account. I gotta move into a bigger apt to fit all my clothes.

3. Being on my feet all day- Although working there has been an everyday work out, I will be ok with starting at a gym.

4. Listening to music that I didn't request- There are some songs on the playlist that I really detest. (that rhymes lol!)

5. Cleaning up a place more than I clean my apt. - People are nasty.

6. Waiting for a relief person in order to leave- Some people just can't be on time.

7. Being asked to ask the same questions again and again

8. If I had a nemesis, her name would be M____ She ALWAYS comes in with a return.

9. People who don't know how to read their receipts or store marketing.

10. People who don't want to come to work.

In my opinion

There's an associate that works with me who whenever given an opportunity takes that time to insult herself. We work in a clothing store and she has a curvier shape than most women. But it seems she has to point to that fact at once a day when I work with her. For example: She said, "If I could wear pencil skirts, I would totally be all over that." But what bothers me is when she will compliment me to insult herself.

I was in the store just yesterday and a customer was asking  me about my hair. What products I use and how I got the result I'd gotten with rollers. She pipes up and says, "Yeah we pretty much hate her because her hair always looks great."  No one was even talking to her! Now when people say these types of things I start to think there really is some hate beneath the surface. And this is not the first or the second time she's done this : 'Yeah we pretty much hate her' stuff.

I just can't get with the self deprecating speech and sometimes I want to take her to the side and say "You are fearfully and wonderfully made and the way you talk about yourself should reflect that." I think that's something I will do. Write her a note or something. It just stems from a lack of self esteem. I've been there before and everyone just has to become comfortable with who they are and what they are not.

I remember watching a Tamara Bennett message and she said," There is not a worldly woman that I covet and truth be told not ANY woman I covet." And pretty much she was saying its because she knows who God created her to be. I feel the same way. There's no need in being upset over something that I just was not meant to be or have, but I am determined to be and have all that God has for me.

In saying all that, maybe we just need to lift each other up with pure motives more. Tiff and I were talking last night and we mentioned that when people give us compliments we still are not always able to accept it in its purest form. It almost always comes with someway to downplay it afterward.

Them :Oh girl I love your hair!!

Me: Oh this? I did this a week ago, its dirty and my color needs to be re-done, but thank you!

Just accept the compliment, please. Message to you and me.

What did you say?

So I just finished reading a blog AND almost all the comments from the Very Smart Brothas blog called Why Compliments are a Man's Kryptonite and it made me take a long look at myself. (Warning there is language). Well, I can remember telling my girl Tiff that I just don't give men compliments because I don't like to blow up their heads. They become all conceited and you can't tell them anything and in turn you get treated like trash because they think they're so much better than you. She lectured me about this and told me I gotta do better. Then when a guy I liked came over to our apt I remember mumbling "I like your shoes." His face lit up. I looked at Tiff like 'Are you happy now?'

While I can say this is probably still true. I don't see myself being a overt compliment giver... to men. And just like the blog states women fawn all over each right when we see each other. I almost feel it is a compulsion to give my friends compliments and I feel bad if I can't find something. But for men. Well I don't want them getting the wrong idea and also as perpetuated by the blog, my theory is correct. So I think I'll keep my deck stacked and play my cards right. However, if I ever want to make a man putty in my hands, I now know how to do it.

And I have heard that is the trick of the game from older married women. Make sure you stroke a mans ego from time to time. You're so strong! I could never do that! You're so smart! How did you figure that out? You smell wonderful! What cologne is that? But be careful with your arsenal ladies. You can end up attracting attention you can't get rid of.

And in the same token, don't think just because I compliment you don't think its because I want you (men). I want to become better at exhortation. It's never been my thing. But I don't want it to be misinterpreted as flirting. So we'll just see how this turns out.

I'm a waiting child

So the cats out of the bag. I am without a 12 group or leader and have been so since my last leader moved out of town. Now for those of you who don't know my church functions through discipleship groups. Every one has a leader and is in a group from my pastor to all the teens. Or they should be. It comes from the great commission in Matthew 28:19 where Jesus said go into all the world and make disciples. Well it starts at home.

Anyway, this next leader will be the 4th group I have been in. I guess I'd been tired. I made all the excuses and they were good ones too. For example, I just don't want to jump in any group just to say 'I'm in a group'. It's like finding a new family and that's not to be taken lightly. As well as this is a people group who will pour into your life which also is not to be taken lightly.

Plus, I am a person who is committed. Once I become invested in a thing I'm all in. I really didn't feel like visiting people's groups and for a lack of a better word putting myself out there. It's like dating. I don't want to lead anyone on. I want to feel a good connection. And I've never been able to be a real player. Once I like a person, I'm not thinking about anyone else.

And this morning while reading my Word I came across this verse in Psalms 68:6 God sets the lonely in families.

So I'm trusting you Lord and I know you will place me in the right family.

Practice doesn't make perfect

So I follow a match maker on Twitter named Paul C Brunson. He put out this summer challenge to ask out 10 people in a month's time. Well while I would never do that it did seem like an interesting way to meet people. Well one night while talking with my friends one of them confessed that she has never been comfortable around men or on a date. So we decided to take on the challenge for one night. We would go out and find guys to take bowling.

I don't ask guys out. I'm pretty traditional in that sense. The other reason I don't ask guys out is I was really shy around guys for years. Until I got to college and like a butterfly from a cocoon, I decided it was time to spread my wings. However, my new found confidence didn't keep me from being nervous about this challenge.

So we went out with a mission...and found nothing. We didn't even talk to one guy. But I went with a willing heart and I think that's saying something. What? I'm not all that sure yet. The whole thing was mainly to get my friend out of her comfort zone with the male species. But who knows, maybe the reason we didn't find anyone was because we went looking. *message*

It was fun while it lasted.

Revival

I prayed for a girl yesterday who was just going through some deep things and she said, "I'm all alone." I know this is a huge trick of the enemy to make us feel alone and therefore we become more selfish and we're never apart of a community. I've dealt with this issue personally because I'm a person who is usually alone. Sure there are times when I'm in big groups and there were even times when I would hang strong with a group of people. I remember a prophet even telling me that 'There will be times when you will run with many and times when you will be alone, but its going to be more alone."

That was hard for me to swallow at first because I thought 'what does this mean for my life? will I always be alone?' And the enemy really tried to turn that into loneliness. But God has really comforted me through the years. It has turned into a real testimony. The more I get comfortable with Him, the more comfortable with myself.

And no I don't really like big crowds. I don't like being the center of attention. I'm sure there will come a point when I will have to come out of my comfort zone. Because thats just how things work.

Anyway, we went to church last night and I didn't know what to expect. Joy just kept asking, 'What's this gonna be like? I'm just expecting revival!' Theres just something about coming with expectation. God honors that! It just ended up being a refreshing for some, a healing to others and a refilling for some. All in all, I pray everyone got what they needed.

I will wait for you

I feel like she's telling my story. This right here keeps me going!

ok so..

This conversation has come up twice in the past couple days and I didn't start it, but I'd like to comment. How do even begin?

Clearly, I'm single. And for everyone one that means something different. For some people that means that you are simply not married. But I am also saved. Which means that I have a relationship with Christ and I look to Him for guidance on everything. So people wanna say theres rules. Fine call em rules. But what I've come to learn is that they're not just rules, they're safety precautions.

So because I am a single follower of Christ, I am celibate. This also seems to mean different things to people. I'll clarify. No form of sex or anything involving the word sex. No pornography or masturbation. Not humping, rubbing or squeezing. I'm jus saying.

Well you might ask, how do you live?!! Since I have known what its like to have been involved with someone and then NOT be involved with anyone. I had a major withdrawal period. And just like any addiction, there are steps to being free of its allure. For me, it started with being open to letting it go. Being filled with the Holy Spirit was a huge factor. Then began my education about what sex meant spiritually.

What I have learned is that sex is so awesome, wonderful, fabulous because its meant to connect you to a person FOREVER! The chemicals released during sex ensure this. It's the way God designed it. That's only awesome when you WANT to be connected to that person forever. Some of y'all can't rid of some people because of this bond you created. Which is why its protected within the boundaries of marriage. If there's no guideline for sex then you have people having sex at the wrong age, time, places (i.e. elementary school).

Sex is meant for intimacy with another PERSON. It connects your spirits. So what happens if no one is there? What are you connecting to? I read Juanita Bynum's No more Sheets and she explains that when you orgasm, it opens up the spiritual realm to the point where all the spirits present are transferred. And if you're there alone its open for demonic spirits. This all depends if you believe in demons or not. It doesn't really matter if you do or not. They sure hope you don't. At any rate, when its all over you're still ALONE. I just think thats worse. What was the point? Its like scratching an itch. And when you're done, the itch is just more irritated than if you had left it alone.

This also explains when you have sex with someone and you find yourself doing things they do. Habits they have are now yours. That's the transfer of those spirits. Why are break ups so much harder if you've had sex with someone? You've connected your spirit with them. Also known as soul ties.

So when I experienced the separation and how extremely painful it was for me. It was a wake up call that honestly took several years. But again that's not everyone's experience. After doing something for so long that you become numb to the warnings and the effects. So the pain is not as noticeable. But its still there.

So I pray for my friends that still think its fine to have toys, "friends", watch porn because I know of the inevitable pain that will follow. If its not heartache, its depression or addiction or deception or torment. However, I know there's an alternative. I've been living it. I'm not going to say its easy although in some ways it definitely is. I found major security in knowing my worth and I've been saved from the pain of connecting myself to someone who only planned to be in my life temporarily. But I know that when I do, that my not being involved with others will help us have a stronger bond. Very much looking forward to that.

Discipline

MAN I have been having the hardest time with this. I KNOW I have discipline in some areas. I have to! But this fast that I've started is making me think that I have NONE. I almost think it would have been easier had I chosen to fast from food rather than TV. Which is telling me that this is absolutely the right thing for me to fast from.

But I'm just bored at home. The last thing I want to do when I get home is work or read. I want to zone out in front of the TV or find out what everyone else is up to through FB and Twitter. I don't have cable, so social networks are basically how I find out about world events. Plus, its how I keep in touch with people. Some of my friends will mention me in a tweet before they will text or call me.

Well that's it for my excuses. CONFESSION TIME: I haven't exactly totally completely been done with the social networks...I have banned myself from TV shows and but I've watched a movie or two. This is hard! Because although I can go to sleep in silence, I need some kind of constant noise. I'll try music...

Oh well, keep me in prayer.

What season are you in?

Had an interesting convo on the way to church and just so happened to be in a "carpool". Not really sure how it came up, but the guy driving began to go into how males at church see me. Oh yeah, I remember. He asked us ladies in the car if men in church approach us. I said, nope sure don't. Then he began to explain his perception of the matter. I think this is the gist (or at least what I heard) :

- You're unapproachable (because you have a "don't talk to me" look)

- unavailable because you're barely at church

- unavailable because you're always at work.

- You're not cordial

- Not conversational, very straight to the point

He said a man would look at you and assume you're either married or you're taken. You have a regal stance about you. But it just depends on what season you're in and if thats not what you're looking for then just keep doing what you're doing.

Well, all this may very well be true. I tried my very best not to be offended by these statements. And I took them and thought about them. I think it looks to them like I'm not giving anyone of them the time of day because frankly, I don't think they are worth my time.

Why even flirt if I'm not interested?

So, yeah of course I want to be married. But I'm not inviting all and any advances. To me, thats just a waste of time. Should I apologize for my security? I refuse.

He mentioned that a man may watch a woman for a couple months before he approaches her. Well if a man has watched me for that long and feels like I'm not worth talking to, then I don't think I want him to. And if he does try to contact me and I don't make myself available, trust me its for a reason.

Because I don't want to talk to you.

I cannot come down to appease someones insecurity. If they can't even approach me to have a conversation and find out how I really am then its just not meant to be. If he can't even approach me then why would I want him to run my household? And if we have a conversation and there's no chemistry, then I'm just done. Don't waste my time and I won't waste yours.

I thank God for keeping me all this time and the encouragement I get daily is great. However, I'm human and I think when, when will it be my turn?

And needless to say, this guy who brought up this conversation is not one I would even consider. Nor have I seen anyone I would consider in that church. Which probably is the reason for my demeanor. But it is something to think about.

I almost get tired of the stats. This percentage of this. This number of that. I'm over it. But, still optimistic :) .

I'm sure of the kind of man that will keep my attention and until then I'm cool.

Hypocrite

So I've been thinking and its been going on for a while now. It kinda started when I sat in on the youth bible study. My jaw dropped open when they began to tell us things they would see on a daily basis. Kids having sex in hallways because they figure what's the point in hiding it? I asked, so what do you do? They said, ignore it. One, thank God said I pray for em.

Most of these kids have been in church all their lives. Most of em look like they've been dragged there. But yet they know the right responses to give. What to put on their social network pages. They know what to tell their parents. They know how to hide their dirt better than most adults.

So, I began to wonder: Are we raising hypocrites? I mean not me technically since I'm not a parent. But I have cousins and lil ones under me. What deception is telling them its ok to live a double life? One thing is clear: they don't feel like they have to choose. They can have their Nikki Menage and their Kirk Franklin. Their club on Saturday and church on Sunday. Joshua 24:15 says:

"But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”

Matthew 16:24

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

Who is teaching these people? And do they even care? It's just disheartening and scary. Because if there's no compassion, they will do anything. They are our future and they have no regard or respect. No fear of the Lord.

Now Proverbs 22:6 says Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Did we train them for this? How do you even begin to raise a sincere and caring person? I guess it begins with being one in conjunction with prayer.

I know I'm not the easiest leader to be under, but I walk my walk. I'm not perfect by any means, but I honestly want and try to live right. I just wonder when we will stop raising people who want to blend in or follow whats hot right now or who are just plain selfish and start raising people who want to live for the kingdom.

Preparation

I had no idea when I moved back to Tulsa the training that I would be under. God you have amazed me day after day. I know its all for a reason. I won't be afraid.

Who do you think you are?

Have you ever been around someone who know is looking down on you? Or maybe a particular area of your life? I feel like I just got a taste of this from a person who used to be one of my really close friends. I say 'used to' because we haven't been so close for a while now.

I actually got confirmation about this when I talked to my cousin. But what it did was make me check myself. And if I've ever made any of you feel that I was better, then I apologize to you and repent to God.

There's a thin line between walking the straight and narrow and being self righteous. If you don't know by now, I am always willing to let you know that I am in no way perfect. Nor do I have all the answers. Although if there is a question I love to seek the answers for myself.

I'd appreciate if we all took ourselves down a notch. If we plan on correcting or rebuking one another, make sure its in love and not an effort to make yourself look better.

The adventures of JK

It seems every time my friend Joy and I go out of town SOMETHING goes terribly wrong. I say "every time" but we've only been on the road together twice. I wonder if after this she'll give me another chance.

For example, we went to Texas last year. We actually got down there without a hitch. But on the way back, I'd heard from friends who make the trip fairly often to take another highway because its faster. We did NOT know that there were a ton of tolls on this new highway. We didn't have enough cash...

First toll: Take this slip to the next toll.

Second toll: This is the last slip if you get 3, you get a ticket.

So we asked is there a place we can stop to get some cash? Mind you I ain't see one gas station between these last 2 tolls. She says theres a gas station before you get to the next toll. Stop there.

Driving....driving...nothing.

No gas station. No fast food joint. Nothing. As we approach the toll I see the McD's....after the toll. So I try to make the appeal that the last lady told us about the McDonald's. This lady, just nasty as she wanna be says, They told us about you. Pull over there, the state trooper is comin.

Dang. What do I do now?

The trooper was way more understanding than those stupid toll people. There was no need for that. PLUS the lady lied to us! So he volunteers to give me a ride to the ATM. Card doesn't work... He gave us one more chance. Joy came through in a pinch. Saved me from getting a $300 ticket because of like 4 bucks in tolls.

Which brings me to my birthday weekend....The first plan started out with a trip to Dallas with 3 or 4 of my girls. One by one, they start falling off. So to make it more feasible I say lets go to OKC. Shorter trip, more economical. At the end of the day, it was just me and my roaddawg Joy.

Lemme tell you: procrastination will get you every time. I got better for awhile, but this is a sickness. I gotta do things in the moment. It's terrible.

We ended up leaving late because I wanted to rent a car, but I paid my bill a lil later than I should have. I procrastinated even before this because I was planning on finding my license somewhere and couldn't. I couldn't very well rent a car with no license. So...I had to get a new one. Before we left.

BUT because I didn't pay my bill early enough (just one hour), the payment didn't post in time. Long story short we ended up going back to the counter 3 times before the I actually got the car.

Oh but this bad boy was sexy....A white Ford Escape. Ahhh Escape. Perfecto!

So because we got on the road late, we missed our reservation at a restaurant that I really was excited about trying. Went and checked in at the hotel. Which was sooo beautiful. Did a lil dancin round the room and went to eat....at Chili's. Womp. However, the food was bomb and I got a free dessert. A gorgeous chocolate volcano with ice cream on top. Until...a nasty piece of hair surfaced from somewhere. I got another free dessert to go.

Well somewhere in the middle of all this...I clearly forgot to pack anything....

No bathing suit

No contact solution

No flat shoes

No pajamas (this is something I forget often)

Wal-Mart to the rescue. I did at this point remember to get a bathing suit (which has inspired another blog) and pajamas.

Actual Birthday: done. Morning time comes and its time for breakfast. So I make my appearance at breakfast in heels and part of my outfit planned for that day. I sure know how to be a show stopper.

After breakfast, we get our swim suits on and go down to the pool. I didn't know that Joy was part fish. She was right at home in the water. I, on the other hand, didn't technically know how to swim. So she taught me! She said she thinks I was lying about not knowing how to swim because I didn't struggle at ALL. Well, hey I'm smart and I'm a fast learner. Besides...Pisces...hello!

In the midst of all this swimming and GREAT discussion, we lost track of time. The hot tub was heaven! I had to practically force the Lil Mermaid out of the pool. When we made it to our room, the key doesn't work. So we went down to the front desk.

Um what time is check out?

12

What time is it?

11:51

We make a mad dash to gather our things, take showers and get dressed. Imagine 2 girls trying to get dressed in 8mins...Craziness.

It wasn't til later that we found out about this thing called 'late checkout'. Something that the girl at the front desk made no effort to tell us about. Skinch. She saw that we were all disheveled and wet.

Now I can't find the stupid swimsuit I spent so much energy toiling over.

But we got our things together. I got some contact solution and we finished getting dressed at my best friends house. Because it was sooo beautiful outside, we decided to take a walk around Bricktown. Get a drink at Starbucks, got some Girl Scout cookies and ate some sushi. Living the life!

And that was our time in OKC... The details of the evening are not important. Had great evening after I got back to Tulsa as well.

The point of all this is that nothing went the way I planned. I could have chosen to be upset. Mostly at myself. But I chose to enjoy every moment. We had a blast. 28 feels good. And I'm glad that I had someone with me who didn't have an attitude. Who chose to laugh along with our craziness. That's my roomie! I think I'm done planning trips though. I think I need someone more organized to get the ball rolling. I just wanna go along for the ride.

Ok, now let me stop procrastinating and finish my taxes.

What is this?

For the past couple weeks I can say I've had something that resembles.....get ready.....a life! But shoot its tiring having a life. I may have to retreat back to my hermit- like lifestyle. I've had so much fun, but I feel like I haven't gotten anything done. With some new changes happening at work, I've been given a lot more responsibility than I asked for.

Every now and then its good to be pushed. Have I become the person I want to be? Not yet. But I'm aware. Clearly there's still work to be done.

This is excitement!

I'm super excited and I think this warrants a new blog because I am typing on my brand new beautiful laptop! YEEEE!! I've never had a brand new computer. Nor one that didn't break my back because I was trying to lug it somewhere. Or that I was too embarrassed to take outside. Now I got my internet AND laptop and its all working together! YAY! Praise God~

Laundry all night long

Since my last post I was snowed in a my friends house for several days then I just ended up staying there for like a week. At some point after I got my car jumped (because the battery died) and dug out from the snow, there was no point in me being there. I just got up and made my bed and went to work. I even went home and got MORE clothes. We had a blast.

We eventually had a rescue team come in and get us for some periodic dance sessions on the Wii. Which may have gotten us into a situation that we are now having a hard time getting out of. We' ll see how this goes. I was telling a friend to that it's fun when new relationships come from people who were always around. Take me and Joy for example. We were cool, but now I can really say we're friends. That's what happens when you spend a week straight with some one. Either you get closer or you kill each other. I'm glad it was the former.

Many revelations though these past few weeks, which I'm sure will manifest in this blog. Can't wait to share. Can't wait to get a new computer. Soon and very soon.

Snow Day

If you follow me on twitter you know that my computer died and I refuse to write an entire blog on my ipod. I just won't do it. As an update, well I still think don't think I've been spending my money as well as I could have. But I haven't been trying to ball out like I used to. So I'm more aware of where I'm spending. Budget my bills out first. So on and so forth.

I also had that hard conversation with my friend. Which had it moments. But I got my feelings off my chest. I'm glad I voiced my opinion and didn't just harbor resentment. She got to say what she felt. It was weird for a lil bit, but we got through it. I'm still gonna have to come out of my comfort zone. It's apart of growth.

We got a blizzard goin on so I'm snowed in. Getting all the rest I can stand.

Ok so

I don't do resolutions but I am gonna try something different and I'm going to document it for accountability purposes. So anyone who knows me knows I have a little bit of a shopping problem. It doesn't help matters that I work/live in my favorite clothing store plus I have a discount and we get crazy deals. So I have to decided to see how long I can go without shopping. The ultimate goal is 90 days. Shoot I'll be happy if I can make it 21 days. And I'm gonna start there.

So the rules are:

1. No frivolous spending which includes clothes shopping, eating out more than 3x a week or things at wal-mart that I really just don't need.

2. However every pay period I will allow myself to splurge on a lil something for the specified amount of $25 (I just made that up right now, I hadn't specified earlier)

And I think thats about it. The gist of it is I'm tired of never getting anywhere with my savings and my closet is steady getting more and more full. So here goes. I'm gonna check in with my blog on payday because thats when I get my urge to spend and we'll see how it goes from there.

one

I had to put on my comfy clothes for this one. Take the contacts out and relax for this here. So I was just having some random thoughts the other night and decided to jot them down. I don't know where this is gonna go so be prepared for anything. I also don't really have a point so if it works out I will be totally surprised. Here goes:

I've never been a popular person per se. I moved around a lot. Not alot of time to get to know people. Connections were short lived. All I've ever needed was one friend. One ryde or die homie. One mic. One confidant. Usually when I moved to a new place. I would be outgoing for a while, find my one person and then shut down again. I've never wanted lots of people to know my name. Although, let's face it they probably should.Now I'm not unpopular in the nerdy, geeky sense of the word. I just don't know alot of people nor do they know me. I don't want people calling or texting me at all times of the day and night asking, "What are you doing? Whats going on tonight? Where the party at?" I don't want to be obligated to too many people. I don't want to have to entertain.

So the ironic thing is that those kind of people seem to gravitate to me. Why? Idk. Because I'm NOT a groupie? I'm available? Who knows? So needless to say: I don't really understand this phenomenon. I know some famous people in real life. They may not have a record deal or a tv show, but people really like to hype them up. I just think its gotta be exhausting ya know?

Which is probably all of these stars begin to fall apart at some point. I think we all need to be able to hear our own voices. Get to a quiet place and hear God. And I'm not saying that the way I keep people at a distance is right or healthy. And I'm not saying that its not. But at times it sure is helpful. I can entertain myself. I enjoy me.

Some people simply have an attractive personality. And for some reason they usually don't mind having people around. We need these kind of people in the world. They're called influencers. The problem usually comes when they influence people in the wrong direction. Take Hitler for instance. Bad influence leading to genocide.

College and work have made me step outside of my boundaries. I've become more outspoken, but at the heart I'm still loner.

Communicate!

For the past few weeks I have been going back and forth learning this lesson in communication. I admit I wouldn't call myself the best at it. But I have been told that I am: passive aggressive, a bad listener, not verbally expressive, cold and just a flat out bad communicator.

A lil something about me:

When I was younger, I felt whether I said things or not it wouldn't matter. People don't change based on what you say anyway. Therefore I kept a lot to myself. I journaled my feelings. I've kept a journal since I was 11. When it came time for me to actually let someone into my life, I can't lie it was extremely hard to let them into my thoughts.

Trust is a major issue. I am still very cautious about who I let in. But now after getting a hard and fast lesson about fighting and having some (to me) highly sensitive friends, I've tried to notice any signs that I'm shutting down. I'm not very sensitive, but I'm not selfish. I really do care about others and their feelings.

Now, I try to nip things in the bud early. If I'm really upset, it may take me a day to get my thoughts together and then present them. I never cut all all communication. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away, it just makes it more awkward when you finally have to face it. Its still very, very hard for me to confront people. But when I push past my discomfort and bring up these issues, is it unreasonable for me to expect some reciprocation? Well you can't expect everyone to be where you are.

One of my very outspoken friends who prides herself on her communication and I have been bumping heads since day one. Just because you say it out loud doesn't make it ok what you say. So I find myself having to regain my footing and think about how to talk to her. If I am extremely straight forward with someone, I feel like they can take it. Some people make you have to rethink what you say them. Well I feel like I do that with her. But maybe she doesn't necessarily do that for me. Or perhaps she feels like she does.... It must be addressed. Leading to another awkward conversation.

I'm getting the feeling that life is full of awkward conversations. Yes, just now realizing that. And I get tired of them. I get tired of explaining. I get tired. Why can't you just know?! But if you value your relationships, you have to. Otherwise, if you don't care about those relationships justshutup.

How do you know love?

So this is the question: What does it mean to be IN love? I remember a teacher once told us that if you find that you still love that person 10 yrs from now, you can know that you really loved that person. I was discussing this with my best friend and her conclusion was this: its simply loving someone who you're attracted to.

I feel this way: there's got to be some evidence of sacrifice. If you're not willing to give anything up for that person, don't say you love them. Secondly, people will hurt you time and time again. Whether it be intentionally or unconsciously its bound to happen at some time. You have to be able to forgive. Third, you have to be able to feel safe with that person. Enough to let them in the deep, dark places that no one else is allowed.

If you gather all those things and place it with a level of passion and attraction Voila! You're in love! Sex is not love. We seem to know this and at the same time, we act like we don't. Sex has one purpose to bond two people, create life and of course pleasure. It sounds like 3 but its one. When the purpose for something is not known it will be abused. So people have taken an attribute out the total purpose and made it seem like thats the purpose. Well we know that the pleasure in sex is the sense of euphoria you feel by the release of chemicals through an orgasm. Giving you (mostly women) that 'loving' feeling.

So "being in love" can be accelerated by physical affection, constant communication and emotional pulls. This is also known as a soul tie.

My love test starts with this: 1 Corinthians 13:4

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And that's just the beginning, being in love is still not the same as staying in love. I do believe that love(the action) is a choice and something that you have to practice.

It's such a complicated thing only because you never can know how another person will react or what their thoughts, emotions and history's are. I am a cautious person. Best believe that if I say that I'm in love with someone, that that love has been tested without a doubt.