Its like you don't even realize

so yeah I've been so out of it lately that I didn't even realize how boomin my social life has been.

And I mean doing things that have nothing to do with work or church. Saw a lotta great movies: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (don't sleep on it), Mission Impossible 3, Lucky Number Slevin, and that Narnia movie (great movie). Plus I got to see that movie The Holiday with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet. It was sooo good.

We got like a 11 inches of snow last week. Yes here in Oklahoma. It was crazy. I got snowed in at Cole's for a couple days. Then when we dug her mom out, they dug me out too. My neighbor made an 8 foot tall snowman.

Oh yeah I played this game with my sister and her friends called Imagine If. Interesting game. You write people down on this board then roll the dice to see who you'll land on. They give scenarios for you to put those people in and then all the players guess what they would do in that situation. The most popular answer wins. So even if you its you, you can't think about what you would do in that situation. You have to think about what everyone ELSE thinks you would do in that situation.

It's so good just to spend time with friends. Even if its just a couple hours at a time because usually thats all I have to give.

I got the next couple days off and I'm trying to see if I can get Saturday off too. I gotta be somewhere else and I paid money to be there. I just forgot to request off....Eh hopefully it will work out.

ok....

So we had a guest speaker at church yesterday. Her word was definitely on time. I'm still trying to digest it as I write. Work has got me so out of it that its hard to concentrate on anything else. But what she preached was that the struggle we have with God is between our desires and will against God's desires and will. There's only one winner and guess what? It ain't you. I mean you can get what you want and you can do what you want. But what you'll find out is its temporary happiness and most of the time its not really what you wanted anyway.

This is the reason I don't write so much anymore, its so hard to put this into words.

I want to explain what's going on in my life without it being confusing or deterring people away from God.

Truth is, its really hard living this life. Like really hard. But ain't nothing else out there. Every single day is a fight.

I guess my problem is that I thought I was further along in my walk than I actually am. And I have all the tools to go further but am I willing to sacrifice everything? And after the Encounter God showed me some things that I'm still struggling with. That is what is hindering me. The stuff that I'm struggling with and don't want to let go of.

In church, she said its always the stuff you love that you don't wanna let go of. Which do I love more? My stuff or God? Should be an easy answer right? Not so much. Clearly my actions are showing differently.

Christ's principles are so oxymoronish (i know that's not a word). I mean to gain ever lasting life, you give up your life to serve others. That's hard! We look at people all over the world who are giving up everything to focus on God and I can't give up TV for a week. I mean I can but I don't want to. And people make it sound so easy.

Perhaps its that I can't see the reward. But even if God showed me my reward, I probably still wouldn't be able to do what I need to do. Only until I am ready to risk it all will I be able to sacrifice for real.

I have to end with this: it's not easy, but its WORTH it. Because I don't feel like I'm dying inside. And the peace....I mean really not having to worry at all, its like nothing else.

Sometimes I just wanna shut everyone out and get to business. ME AND YOU GOD THAT'S IT. But that's not realistic. Plus I don't wanna spend my life alone. And God is not asking me to. Just enough time for Him to give me what I need, so that I don't feel like its so hard.

This is REAL!

I should never doubt that God hears me, but I do. Yesterday at church was just evidence that He definitely does hear me. And trust me, if He hears me He hears you too. My Nicole and I were just talking about our current status. We felt like the fire was gone out our walk with God. It felt like I couldn't go back to what I used to do but how do I go forward. It was really frustrating to the point where I just wanted to be like forget it.

I didn't want to go to church yesterday. I'd had a bad night altogether. I get really cranky when I don't get sleep. I have to pray about my husband because if I sleep near someone who snores I start thinking violent thoughts. I have never acted on them, but I do think them. Anyway, I was way sluggish, didn't wanna go. My friends and I sat way in the back being cynical about everything. Then my Bishop began his sermon. "Have you ever needed a 'right now' miracle?" Yes, I need one now. I'm paraphrasing here but he was basically talking about how we are so used to 'waiting for our miracle' that sometimes we need to get down right demanding and say, 'God I need my miracle now!'.

There are times in the Bible where people said to God, I really need you to show up now. And their faith is so in it that He does. Its a desperate time. I'm tired of being stuck in the middele. A new year is coming and we only have 44 days until the end of this one. He wrapped it up by saying we need to pray God's plan. Whatever he promised you is what you pray. Well if you say 'God has never spoken to me', sit and think for awhile, it will come to you. Sometimes He speaks through others. We really have to take the time and listen. Life gets way too busy. I'm taking the time to listen to God.

Where to begin?

So this is sort of a continuation of what I was talking about in the last post. It's not exactly but its in the same stream of consciousness for me. Cole and I were talking and I am glad to see I am not alone in my thoughts. She is my fraternal twin after all. Now what we were talking about is basically what my last blog is about. Where are the MEN? Why are we having to push men into responsibility? They are the head of the household. Why aren't they taking charge? Although from a biblical standpoint women are supposed to birth the vision, but what if the man has no vision? That's why its important for a man to have a relationship with God. God will give him the vision. Women support the vision. Haha! Now I understand why cheerleaders are women. We're always the ones saying you can do it or go for it.

Anyway, I just wanna talk to some men and ask why they are shrinking from repsonsibility. Even from the very first approach. You find a lot more women are making the first move and that has NEVER been me. And this is what's so messed up: the ones that are clear about what they want and where they are going, we don't want them. Perhaps their vision needs to get a bit clearer?

Which somehow brought me here. I want a relationship with God, but I've been seriously slacking. I haven't been reading my Bible or praying like I should. But its getting too routine and that's not a relationship. That's obligation. That's not what God wants. I've been thinking and thinking about this. How do I get past this to the deeper stuff? I've been putting crap before God and expecting Him to take it. And even though I know this, what am I doing to get there? What is hindering me?

This is what I found. My desires. I still want to be seen as a sex object. I be wanting to do those Pussycat Doll Beyonce Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader moves. I love to party. I just wanna get drunk sometimes. But I don't. Why? Because I know its stupid. It doesn't lead to anything but destruction. This is what the Bible says. A man is dragged away and enticed by his own desires (James 1:14). So we have to inspect our desires. Even when they seem to be godly desires, are they really? And why do I still desire do these other things? Those who have their mind on the Spirit want what the Spirit desires.

No doubt God has done some amazing things in the last 11 months. But to get to that next level I feel like I'm gonna have to do something else. Its going to have to be a Spiritual breaking. And its gonna hurt. But like any other bootcamp, where's the drill sergeant? Where's my made coach? Cus clearly if I'm depending on just me it ain't gone happen. I'm beleiving God is going to send someone. Just like this last Sunday I was not gonna go to church. I had a meeting at work that morning and I had to go back to work later. I was just like forget it, I can miss one day. Well, then I get a phonecall from one of my co-workers asking if she can ride with me. That's accountability there. So I went. But I don't want to get into the routine. Me and God still have some talking to do.

A lil movie analysis

What looks stupid to everyone else, might actually be genius. So I was watching Love and Basketball today and I got a lil more in depth. The first thing I noticed was that when Omar Epps broke up with Sanaa in college, she took all the blame even though he was being stupidly selfish. She even said, "Whatever I did, we can fix it."
Me, I woulda been like,"Oh so that's it for us? Aight, I'll holla at you." And even though she was on the verge of begging he still broke up with her.

When we cut to the final scene and they're playing one on one for his heart. She looks really desperate. She is desperate. And I'm thinking what about your pride? What about being an independent woman of the millenium? What if she had never even tried to get him back. He would have ended up married to Tyra and divorced in a couple years. Sanaa woulda been working at the bank, going from job to job, probably single for a couple years or forever.

Although she looked stupid on the outside and it seemed she was losing faith by the end, she had to be mad confident to do it. She knew he was making a mistake. She knew he was for her. What could have been going through his head? Could he not see that they were meant to be? Had he given up?

Men move on so fast to anything new, whether its good for them or not. Seems like you have to hit them over the head to get them to see what you see. And I love the song at the end, "You make a fool of me." Cus it looks like that. But it also reminds me of a song by Sade "Love is stronger than pride".

I mean thats not the end of analysis. I still gotta connect it with the Lord and trust me I see connections. Women birth out the man's vision, thats why we have the womb. But we're not supposed to take things into our own hands that's how Sarah got into that mess with Hagar. Sometimes you feel helpless when it comes to things in life. That's when you have to trust God has a plan and be confident when it comes time for you to do your part, you'll be ready.

Will this hold you over?

Not to tease y'all, I just felt obligated to write a lil something since I've been on the internet for so long today. I've caught up on my facebook, myspace, back account and everyone else's blog. I feel like I've missed out on so much. People have gotten into relationships, broken up, into new organizations, quit jobs. Where have I been? Work. Yeah, I'm not about let this take over my life. It's time to regain control. Basically that's where I'm at right now.

I didn't even think I would be able to form a complete sentence let alone write a whole blog. I just wanna let y'all know I miss you. Yes I do. I don't have the energy it would take to catch up with everyone so I just haven't done it. I am exhausted. That's all I have to give.

In continuation

So yeah after my shift yesterday, my boss had a lil talk with me. My numbers are not where they are supposed to be. She was asking me to question if this is the position I should be in during holiday time or should I step down and wait till things slow down and learn how to do things in the spring. I was like uh, I know things haven't been great the past couple days but I CAN do this and I WILL.

Basically, she gonna be watching me for awhile until my numbers come up. I think it may be my non-chalant nature. Lots of people take it as I don't care when its just that I don't care to perform or stress out for anyone. However, I do understand that some people need to be inspired and that energy is contagious so I will try to be more enthusiastic at work.

This morning we had our meeting and she was pleasantly surprised by our numbers and I think mine in particular. She was like "Oh!" And I wanted to be like OOOH IN YOUR FACE!!

But I maintained.

And it wouldn't be Christ- like.

Yeah this week has been off to a bad start, but I take authority over the enemy. I think I'll be meditating on Luke 10:19 today.

In preparation

I would have to describe this last week a roller coaster ride. I've had a really great time followed by a couple bad days. The women's encounter was last weekend and while I had a great time, I don't think my body had a chance to catch up. It went like this. Friday: woke up and had to be a work at 6am. I was probably late. Worked till 3pm then me and Cole went to Wal-Mart her house then church til bout 10. Went to my house to pick up some clothes, Taco Bell, back to Cole's. Saturday: Went to church at 8am till 10pm, talked until bout 11:30, went home. Sunday: overslept, contemplated not going to church at all since I had to be at work at 12.

Now this is where I have to stop. I knew I had to go to praise and worship for some reason. So even though I was late for the last session of the encounter I was early for praise and worship. I had the most exciting, outrageous praise and worship experience I've ever had. Like, it took over most of church. See God let me know the authority I have over the enemy in that time. He showed me what he was about to do. And it just spread throughout the church.

When it was time for me to leave for work. I was still crying and praising in the car. I was just hoping I would be able to get it together before I got there. But on the way, the Holy Spirit warned me that this would not be a good day. The devil comes quickly to steal a word, kill your joy and destroy your promise. It was a crazy day plus I was mad tired. Monday, just the same, bad day and I was mad tired and added onto that I felt sick.

Now looking back, I have to ask myself: Did I take the authority that God had just let me know I HAVE over the enemy? Apparently not. But at the end of this whole drama God will get the glory. We're about to turn this thing around. There you have it.

In it

Tonight is the season finale of Project Runway. Oh how long have I waited for this. I love that Bravo shows it several times in the same night because I always miss it on Wednesdays. I wish Top Model did that. I may get to see it this Sunday. I've been trying to get the recorder working on my vcr/dvd player. I don't know what it's doing. It's recording stuff that I never wanted to watch and like, hours of it.

Well, my fave to win is Micheal. I just like his style. On side note: is it just me or wouldn't Kayne be super sexy if he wasn't gay? I saw him on the reunion show with his lil stubble. I just loved it. Daggone shame I tell you!

I'm feenin for a Rubicon potato and if I have anything to do with it I'm gettin one! Y'all non-Tulsan's don't know nothing bout that. It's this huge potato with smoked BBQ meat, BBQ sauce, ranch and cheese! Oh its so good! Me and Larry used to make our own in Hampton and like eat em on the low because we ain't wanna share the secret.

Speaking of Tulsa I saw the episode where Oprah and Gayle were in Tulsa and crashed those two weddings. It was so crazy. Actually a friend of mine from high school was at one of the weddings. So wierd.

Do you know how hard it is to manage your money when you have none? It's on the way though. The money, the car, my blessing. Ohhh its on THE way!

Randomness: I just think its so funny how on Dave Chappelle, when he's doin the Lil' Jon skit and he says WHAT?! The people always repeat themselves so patiently back to him. They never get tired of it and yell back. I think that therein lies the genius of the whole thing.

It took me a minute to formulate an entire blog in my head. I got one. So it looks like I won't be going to Hampton's Homecoming this year. I am kinda bummed. Even if I had the money to go (which I don't), I still wouldn't be able to take the time off. It's a blackout week at work. In fact I can't request off until next year. Since I got my promotion, the position does not allow us to take that time off. So I won't be seeing my Hampton people unless they come visit me.

When I found out I wouldn't be able to go this memory came back to my mind. Last year when I was in Hampton there was an older lady and she told me, When you leave you'll come back for homecoming, but not the first year after. I tried to make it happen. In the end it wasn't meant to be.

My phone is sorta on a break til Friday. The first week I guess they were giving me a chance because I could recieve calls, but not make them. Which I guess was kinda cool. Now I can't do anything. It'll be paid on Friday.

I'm so proud of my mom, she's getting the motivation to take some accounting classes. Which I've said she should do for years. She's a financial genius. The only reason we've ever made it through the years other than God.

Excited about doing more at work. I'm realizing there's a lot more involved in this position than just going to work. I'm going to have to actually study.

Set the atmosphere

I got a real lesson yesterday. So I thought my day was going well. While my sister went to get her brakes fixed, I was watching my neice. She said it'd only take about 30 mins, so I figured I'd have more than enough time. I got dressed and when I called to check on the progress she said she was on her way. I called about 30 mins before my shift because it only takes about 10 mins(when I drive)- 15mins for someone else to get to my job. Then she calls back 15 mins later and said my aunt is gonna take me to work. I started to get nervous cus my aunt is slow as molasses and she's habitually late. There's no telling when she was gonna get there.

Well she got there but in my rush of tryin to get out of the house I forgot my keys for the store. So we had to turn around and go back to the house. I was extra frustrated. All kindsa stuff rushed to my head. This looks bad. My first day on the floor as manager and I'm late. All these things on my mind rushed to the forefront and I got so focused that I think I looked like I was about to pop a blood vessel. Then my aunt said,"What you over there thinking about?" I was like, "Lot's of things." She said,"You wanna talk about it?" I said, "It won't help." And she said, "Well tell me anyway." Daggone nosey family! Well I talked about it and she actually gave me the Word of the Lord. Amen. That helped me to be encouraged. Helped me repent (which means change your mind) and go into work with a different focus.

While I was in the car concentrating on all my problems, I realized where I'd started off wrong was that I didn't pray that morning nor did I read my Bible. Just a bad start off to my day. There's honestly a big difference. Plus after the Encounter last weekend I should have known better. You can't walk out the house without prayer. You need prayer to get through the day. To set the pace. God will cover you.

So I walk in and my other manager is already having a bad day. I was like we gotta change this. I went into the fitting room and I prayed. Actually my day started to get better after that.

Like the wind

Dude, this last week has been crazy. I knew because I was going to an Encounter last weekend and craziness always comes before and after the Encounter that I was in for something. Two cars stopped on me last week. Lots of confrontation. Working crazy hours. Oh but that's life and you deal with it.

Then that weekend I went to a music/worship Encounter. A big focus in my church are the Encounters and every single time they are life changing. We just learned more about what music was meant to do and what worship is all about. Just really sitting in God's presence was awesome. God inhabits your praise. When you praise, he's there. That's a wonderful thing to know.

THEN Sunday was just one of the best worship services. I got back to my seat and was still in his presence. It's a push to give more to God than what I been giving.

Work is about to be drastically different. I'm training for my promoted position this week. I'm just thinking about what I want to get out of this position. That's also bringing more out of me.

So really when I think about it, I can't be complacent. I have to give more in everything. That's a big responsibility. If I don't come up, then I'll just sit in mediocrity. I'm tired of being mediocre. It's time for excellence.

What did u say?

We will all be held accountable for the words we say. And its even more serious because once you say words, you cannot take them back. I've been saying a lot lately and the bottom line is: I should take my own advice. In most cases the advice is beyond me anyway. It's God speaking through me and its good advice.

One thing I asked for in prayer is that God would expose anything about me that is not like Him. That anything that would hinder my growth in God be brought to the forefront. Well, God does answer prayer.

Now, in my asking to be exposed there is the actual exposure part I have to deal with. It's often times embarrassing and very hard to go through it. But if you can admit that you're wrong for ever you've done and not try and cover it up, it usually means you want to change for the better. Some people are caught red handed in their mess and still deny they ever did it. I want to change for the better.

I have seen some things that I didn't even realize I did. Some things I didn't realize I was still doing.

All I can do now is accept the responsibility..... and the consequences. Oh yes, there are consequences. With every lil bit of exposure, I risk losing a lot. But it's because of my own doing.

Then I have to forgive myself, because if I use all my time sulking and wallowing in my failures, I might miss my blessing. And I have to forgive others for anything I may be holding against them. If we don't forgive others, how can we expect to be forgiven? You know the funny thing is, it's pretty easy for me to forgive. Bitterness weighs me down and makes it too easy to be depressed. But I often go to the extreme with my head in the clouds and forget other things too that set me up for the fall.

During my purity graduation, the prophet told me I know how to keep God's secrets and He has entrusted me with much. That's an awesome responsibility. It can also seem overwhelming if I let it. But the flip side of that is, I've fallen off from keeping other secrets. I had this thing like word vomit and sometimes when I tell myself to keep something, I end up telling. Not everything, trust, but usually its the very time I should keep my mouth shut.

The great thing about God is while I am being put out there is that He's a great and patient teacher. The God of a second, third, fourth, fifth to seventieth chance. With people sometimes we aren't as fortunate. What can we do? Deal with it.

So while I am being exposed and transparent. For the people who know me, they have a choice. They can cover me with prayer or choose to intensify my exposure. In his book Teach me how to love you, Thomas Weeks says, " If a man can love your weaknesses, he'll adore your strengths." I believe the same goes in family and friendships. Some peoples' weaknesses we just don't want to or have to deal with and that's a choice.

All I can do is take things as they are. Continuing to grow and change, hoping I don't run too many people off and learn from mistakes the first time I make them (not the fifteenth time like I usually do!).

Open the curtains

For the afternoon matinee, V for Vendetta. I'll tell y'all how that goes. I'm skeptical.

I figure for the rest of the week, I'll get some bon-bons and lay up in the bed, reading my book. Sounds good to me!


I was flipping channels and for some reason I stopped on BET NOW. Perhaps I shouldn't have been watching it, but I stopped just the same. So I was watching this video for that Shareefa girl called 'I need a boss'.

What's goin through my head is like this:

Hm, her haircut's different. Hot beat. Oh but she can't dance though. Now he know he ain't earn that money. She want somebody she can call Papi, Daddy? Uh, no. All that flashy stuff makes me nervous, looks real illegal.

Then Ludacris come out talkin bout he the 'king of all kings'. So what? You sayin you Jesus, Luda? That's the only King of kings I know. Then he go on to say, "I got more verses than the Bible". Oh let's just take the blasphemy to a whole nother level. The devil is bold these days!

That's when I knew I had to quit. I just can't do the whole secular thing and I'm bout to go repent right now.

No doubt

I finally finished Inside Man. Spike Lee is so off the chain. My favorite things about a Spike Lee joint are his signature shots. Now it's like you wait the whole movie just to see those shots. I could do without some of the language, but he always gets his point across.

Like every artist, he goes off the deep end sometimes. Like that scene in Girl 6 when all the phones are falling from the sky. Now that was really dumb.

Switching subjects, aren't there some people you hate to hear use slang because they just don't sound right? Even if they are young in age. Even if they are in that culture that created it.

Speaking of culture, one thing that bothers me is when a person completely forsakes their own culture for another. I am all for learning about other cultures. I love learning about traditions and different foods and languages, but I love my people. In no way am I excluding anyone, but if you don't have a close friend in your own culture it says something about you. I think its a form of self hatred. Just like when you confine yourself to dating someone of a race thats not your own. Again, I'm not saying you shouldn't date other races. I myself am open minded. I don't say I will only date black men. I love my black men. I am also open to someone of another culture coming into my life. One thing we must have in common though, no doubt, is Christ.

Man, I miss A Different World. There's no sitcom like it. Where they aren't afraid to get serious. Then come right back and make you laugh. A commentary on society today. Not just ignoring what's going on in the world for the sake of comedy.

Yes I am quite random. Thoughts stack on top of each other in my head, fighting their way to the surface. I try to stay on one stream of consciousness, but some times it doesn't work. Thomas Weeks says its because women must multi-task to run a home that it seems we have different personalities. Women have personalities, men have issues. And your man must have as many issues as you have personalities in order to know when to switch it up. Otherwise, he won't know how to handle that woman. Great book people. Pick that one up.

The Scenery!

My first day on hiatus from work. Bout to get started on cleaning out the closet. My sister called herself cleaning my room, but her cleaning is very deceptive. You go into the room and it looks spotless. Then you go the closet and there's everything you didn't see. I appreciate the initial work though. One less thing for me to do.

I'm reading Teach me how to love you by Thomas Weeks III. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and just kept reading. I can tell its gonna be a great book already. Full of wisdom and realness.

I saw this movie I really enjoyed this morning called What a Way to Go with Shirley McClaine. This lady get married 4 times and each time they start out in love but eventually her husband gets incredibly rich and dies in some freak accident. It would have been pretty sad if it weren't funny. In the end she's got like a $100 mil and living on a farm with a failure of a husband. Just the way she'd always dreamed.

Sanaa Lathan is on Nip/Tuck now. I might have to check that out.

On the first day of my hiatus, I'm clearing out my head. Hopefully not filling it up with too much junk. I am catching up on my television though. What I have found is that there's nothing on TV.

I cleaned and then I got sucked into this internet. As soon as I check myspace I'm gettin off this thing.

Praise God

Who didn't think the devil would show up in worship practice? MAN, people trespassin, taking spots and positions they shouldn't be taking. But that's ok. All we gotta do is worship the Lord. Sing to the Lord. Be filled with His presence and he'll give peace. That's all we gotta do is worship. Easy right? Not so much.

What shoulda happened is someone should have gone to that person and had a one on one with them. A lot of us saw the division. Some were ignorant to the fact it was going on. It was not nice. I was simply trying to learn the song, my part, and go home so I could sleep. But we can't let people hinder the effectiveness of the team. We gotta let God lead. It's not just about singing. And y'all this is just the first practice. It's not gonna happen again. Glad it happened early.

Either the person who feels trespassed against will have to go to that other person or I'ma tell them, "Get out what you got to say or get over it." And I'm not talkin bout that fake 'I'm over it' and still be talkin bout it to everyone. For real, forgive. We are worship leaders. If we can't enter into His presence, how can we expect everyone else to go there?

The Bible says Matthew 18:15:

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.

Then later in that same chapter:

21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.


But other than that, it was awesome. I love the songs! I'm feeling more confident in being a soprano. I told Nicole I blamed her for being in the soprano section. She said, "If you're gonna blame me, blame Jesus too." Grrrr Cole. How do you come back at that? Good one. You got me kid.

Our first time leading worship is gonna be next Friday at 7pm. Come on down to Greenwood Christian Center if you're in the area.

So I was facebooking, which led to myspace and it led me here.

I was lookin at this dude's myspace page and stumbled across his favorite movies.

Scarface, Boyz N Da Hood, State Property I &; II, The Mack, The Notebook, Bad Boys II, South Central, Friday, Above the Rim, I cant remember them all, I gets high homie.

So funny! I'm not saying dudes shouldn't like The Notebook. I think its the greatest movie ever. And some dudes are in denial about the movie *ahem*. Just kinda seemed outta place here. Caught me a lil off guard.

Quit trespassin'

The conclusion to our conference was just awesome as was expected. It's all about finding out your purpose. What God created you to do. How do you do that? What are your gifts, your passions? That's where you'll find ur purpose and your area of leadership. I'm definitely getting the CD's. Dr. Munroe breaks it down like none other.

Dr. Munroe is so funny. But just like the best comedians, all they're doing is telling the truth. People are just plain funny. And boy was he putting it all out there. Probably hurt some folks feelings. He confirmed so many things for a lot of us. Cole actually cried and she don't cry. She mists. The water just sits on her eyelashes.

She don't sweat either, she glows. How'd you manage to do that, Cole?

Tonight I have practice with the worship team The Experience. I pray it goes well because I think I caught the Allergies from somebody. Probably Larry. I lived with him for too long. I say caught because I've never had allergies before. Very wierd. I don't like em. With that said, I don't know how I'ma sound.

Last night I didn't work with the kids because I didn't wanna be sneezing and blowing my nose all over them.

I tried singing in praise and worship but thats different. Worship is for no one else..Well, I guess I'll just sing to the Lord in practice. My friend heard me singin in praise and worship for the first time and she was like, "You have a powerful voice. Don't be afraid to use it." I said I'll only use it to praise. Most people don't know I sing because I don't sing all the time. And even then I don't be singing for real. I haven't sang seriously in years. I had no reason to sing. But I'm excited about this. I found my spot!

Kita luv da kids

So for the most part during the conference I've been working with the babies. I've had a good time. I used to say I don't like no kids but my own. I don't have any kids.

But kids seem to really like me. I don't know why. Lately, they've been gravitating towards me like I was a fruit roll up or something. I worked with the babies. They are extra cute. The greatest thing about them is that they fall asleep or start falling asleep by 8 or 8:30pm. YES! And they don't talk or ask too many questions or gossip or...well y'all know where I'm goin. All they wanna do is eat, sleep and laugh and that's cool.

But they're still leeches. I've concluded that mostly all children are leeches. Myself included. I would sit there, minding my own business, eating MY food and here comes a 2 year old with her hand out. She had her snack already. But she wants mine. I can fix my neice the exact same thing as I have but somehow mine is gonna taste better, right? Gotta love em. Little leeches.

All you can hope for is that one day when they get their own, they'll give some back to you.

They have the most amazing way of distracting you from ur own problems. Everything in the world disapears except for that child. And to watch them sleep is so awesome. I wish I could still sleep like that.

So I'm excited to do some more things with the children's ministry. One of my friends said I should open a daycare. I was like yeah right. That's not going down.

*********************************************************************************
Before I go I must comment on the horrible song writers of this age. It's just terrible. It's all about the beats and the voice. Horrible. I can't get with it. You might as well come out with the instrumental and just sing "ooh ooh" because the words don't make sense anyway. I'm done. Love you people.

2 weeks

WELL, that was much easier than I expected. I put in my two weeks at my day job today. And they were happy for me! Look at God. Perhaps they knew that this wasn't the place for me as much as I knew it wasn't. CLEARLY.

My personality is kinda transparent. Usually if I don't like something or I'm feeling a certain way, you can tell.

I recieved a promotion at my other job with higher pay. Amen! They told me I didn't have to take two weeks because this is an opportunity for me. That's awesome.

I honestly think it was gonna be them or me. Good thing I quit before I was fired. I'm glad it was me this time.

Oh yes but I can see the divine timing in this. I didn't do it too early or stay too long. Praise God.

How long does it take for pics to get developed from Wal- Mart? Oh it don't matter, I won't be able to get them till Saturday anyway. I've been going straight from work-home-church-home all week. At least I know that they will be done by then.

Encore

Since I wrote early and my brain is working overtime these days, I have more to talk about.

I did my facebook stalking for the day, changed the profile, wrote on everyone's wall and updated the status. Now down to business.

This week I haven't been getting to bed before midnight. Dr. Munroe said the Anointing will keep you up at night. That explains things...

Last night's reason was because after church I was caught up in the parking lot talkin to my girl DeOrlean. We be acting like we don't ever wanna leave the church, I promise you! I love these times. I'm a big fan of deep conversations.

We were just talking about how this conference we're having at church is just confirming all the things God has been telling us. We talked about hearing the voice of God and what its like. For me, there have been times where I know clear as day that was God and then there are times that I wasn't so sure. But lately God has been speaking clearly and I have to obey or its just wrong. But that's what I asked for. I said Lord I need to hear you clearly, where there's no doubt that its you. It's a process though.

Milyaka went to New York this weekend and brought me this beautiful green bracelet! Thanks sis! And she dropped it off to me at church last night. Now she has this thing about me saying I have two best friends. At times she can be a bit possessive, only of me though. I say Tiff is my best friend too. So I was introducing her to my P-12 sister and before I can introduce her, she interjects saying,"I'm Milyaka. Her BEST FRIEND, even though I'm SECOND."

I rolled my eyes and I pulled her to the side. I was like I'm glad we're in the house of the Lord. *Ahem* I know you say you're joking, but everytime you say that it shows through as insecurity. There's no reason to be insecure, no one can take your spot. That's what this conference is about: knowing your spot is yours and it was made for you. No one else can be Milyaka. No one else can take your spot in my heart. Plus I'm glad I read that verse in Ephesians 5:4 about coarse joking.

She finally got it! Thank you Jesus! And because it was all said out of love. In everything we must act out of love. And a person who is in Christ will accept a rebuke or correction in love.

And as for the title of Best Friend, its just a title. Titles mean nothing. They don't give any authority. They only explain to the outside what can't really be explained. She's honestly my family. Her and Tiff. Cole too. I feel a kinship with them all, that's completely different from one to the the next. Because we connect on a spiritual level.

There's no competition when you know no one can take your place. I love that. I know I'm irreplaceable. So are you.

Not for the people

So it seems I may have some fans who I have no idea about. I know there are people who read my blog often even though I don't know who they are. Nicole was telling me yesterday, she loves my page. I greatly appreciate her love. Plus she loves reading about herself. But Cole is an awesome person, I can't help but write about her.

Well if you're in my life there will come a time you'll be mentioned. And if you aren't, well I don't know what to tell ya. Be more interesting. No, I'm kidding!

She was saying I had that Royal Tannebaum's sense of humor. I've never seen that movie, but I'm assuming its like most Ben Stiller movies. Not everybody will get it, but those who do love it.

Speaking of Cole, I always say this, she's an excellent confidence booster. If she likes something about you, she will make you feel like its the greatest thing on earth. Blame her if you think I get too conceited. And God, because the Bible said I am fearfully and wonderfully made and His works are wonderful (Psalm 139:14).

I just found out what the gift of exhortation is.

Exhortation. The extraordinary ability to counsel, inspire, motivate, encourage, and strengthen others in and through their efforts to live out God's will and calling as Christians in pain or pleasure, want or plenty.

I believe that is Cole's gift. No wonder she has fan clubs. People love to hear good things about themselves. It's not her only gift of course. So this is for you Cole.

Transitions, transitions

This is such an interesting time. Everytime I think I know myself, I learn something new. That of course is because everyday I'm growing and changing. But the more I get to know myself the more I like me. Yes its all about me, myself, I because this is MY blog. But first and foremost its about God. And since I was created in the image of God the more I like myself, the more I like Him. Amen? Amen.

Since it is September 11, I shall take this day to say Happy Birthday to my Auntie Kate. She'll never read this, but I still wanna do that. Also, I was recapping where I was on the infamous day in 2001 to my co-workers this morning.

As a freshman at Hampton University, I remember exactly what I was doing that day. I had just returned from my 8 am gym class and I was about to take my shower. I turned on my lil 13 inch television to see the smoke coming from those two buildings. The thing that shocked me most was that all they kept showing was those planes going straight into those buildings over and over and over again. It was like my eyes zoomed into that tiny TV. I remember being able to see people jumping from the building and I couldn't believe they were showing this on TV.

Being in VA, there were some students who lost their parents, friends and relatives. I didn't have anyone in either of those places. But this day was a sign of the times for me. I felt compelled to tell my newfound friends that this is not a joke. The end times are near. I'm walking on campus crying, telling them they need to be saved. I was like,"I just met you guys, I don't want to lose you." I think they sorta patted me on the back, trying to comfort me. But it wasn't about the tears, I wish I hadn't cried at all, it was about what I was saying. Jesus is coming back real soon. It's about your souls.

I think that's one thing my friends remember about me freshman year. I was on fire when I came to school. Over the years, I fell off, backslid, did a lotta things I shouldn't have. All of it was stuff I thought I wanted to do. And not to glorify sin or anything but I had a really good time. But it didn't last and my sad times took me to a place I don't ever want to be again. Thank God, once again, I didn't die in my sin. Ain't no coming back from that. So today, I wish I had been a better example. But you can only lead people as far as you've gone.

And I was mad young, only a baby in Christ with babe-like enthusiasm. Oh boy, I was about to go real deep in this...... but I'ma stop. For now. I had planned to lay out my testimony on here one day. The real story. Where I reached my turning point and everything. I just haven't done it yet. Still not hiding it, if you ask I'll tell.

But I finally feel like I'm getting an education.

It's gettin tight up in here

Well I'll say this if there was anything I wanted to hide, I learn to hide it well. That goes for facebook, internet or anything else. I don't think of myself as hiding things, I just don't volunteer too much information. If you ask, I won't lie.... because I'm not good at it.

So this may seem like I'm switching subjects but I'm not really. Stay with me, it'll connect. Last week's daily Bible reading for those of you who have the One year Bible was in Job. I was watching Fred K. Price and he said something I'd never heard about Job.

When people would talk about Job they would say how he was tested and never cursed God through it all. Everything was taken from him, yet he still he endured and in the end he was restored.

Dr. Price said that Job let the devil do all that stuff to him. Through his confessions of his fears (Job 3:25) the devil knew he could do what he wanted to Job.

25 What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.

He grumbled and complained and took all the blame. What have I done to deserve this? Why is God doing this to me? God you are soveriegn so I will accept all that happens to me.

No, that wasn't God doing that to him. God said what you allow to happen, I will allow to happen ( Matt 16:19). He gave us (his children) authority over the Earth.

Dr. Price then went on to say that Job should have taken his rightful authority over the devil. You don't have to let the devil do anything in your life. He will bring tragedy into your life if you let him. And sometimes by doing nothing you let him rule. He doesn't have the power, you do. Not until Job repented was he restored.

How do know what to confess and what to keep? Well the Bible says confess your sins to one another so that you can be healed (James 5:16) but fear is not of God 2 Tim 1:17. The only one you should fear is God. And when the Bible says fear in reference in respect to God it doesn't mean be scared of, although you probably should...It means to humble yourself in the ultimate respect for God or to be in awe of God.

So, how does this relate to me? Well, I hate conflict. If there's anyway to avoid it, I will try. Even if that means hurting myself. So in a way that was a 'fear' of mine. But seems that these days conflict is coming from every which way. I used to combat it through avoidance, shutting up when I should speak, taking all the blame. How do I do it now? By taking a deep breath, looking at my circumstances and taking it head on before it comes at me in a crunk way.

When I was in my rebellion against God, I ignored all signs of trouble even though I could see it, so I ended up swimming in it. I would say I'm going with the flow, but Satan was controlling the flow. Now because of that, its harder for me to see the trouble coming, but I'm getting better at it. Soon my senses will be so sharp, I can see it coming without having to put my foot in it.

I can see my growth in this area. When I used to get into conflict with people I used to have to talk about it with everyone. I had to get their opinion and to make sure they agreed with me. In the end I was more upset than when I began. Now, I know why the conflict came, I'm confident in my point of view and there's no need to discuss it with everyone, only God.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 1 Cor. 13:11

When I was a child in Christ, I did childish things. Now I'm growing up and putting those things behind me.

Can I wear boots now?

My mind is going in a couple different directions today. By now everyone is aware of the new facebook feeds. It has taken stalking to a whole nother level. However, I don't feel like they're invading my business or putting it out there on the street. Whatever is in those feeds is stuff I've already put out there for everyone to see. So stalk away people! I mean I already have a blog where I tell most of my business anyway.

Plus being a closet facebook stalker myself, its just made easier for me. It's still kinda wierd though, they giving me info that I didn't even ask for. Kinda takes the fun out of searching for stuff.

I'm anticipating practicing with the worship team next week. I haven't seriously listened for parts or harmonized in a very long time. Me and Cole sing, but mostly we play around. I love music so much. We were talking about being the female Neptunes. We sing and dance where ever we go. It never fails. Someone starts singin, next someone's making a beat.And we don't half step. We go all out. If you saw us in the mall, you'd be in for some entertainment.

I've been a fan of this site called pandora.com. You can put an artist or song in and they suggest songs like that song or artist. Well I put in Donny Hathaway and oh boy. I was so surprised at all the songs I know. I feel so old. My parents musta been playing this stuff while I was in the womb. It's so funny listening to Donny live and hearing ladies screaming in the background.

I must point this out though, that most great singers started out in the church. Under the anointing is where the gift flows. Donny started singing at 3 years old! And killed himself 30 years later. It's so sad. Don't allow the devil to take you out. Some people continue to flourish outside of the church but its short-lived. What do you have when people stop listening to you? If you sing to the Lord, you always have an audience.

I can't listen to secular music only. I feel empty after a while. When we listen to worship music or sing praise, the Bible says God inhabits our praise. He sits in on our praise. If you want God in your life, sing praise.

It's that season

I've been having mad prophetic dreams lately. I'm getting excited. The crazy thing is they've been recurring dreams for the past 6 months, but they're getting better and stronger each time.

I would put it all out there, but I don't think I should talk so much about these things. I may have been talking way too much. Most folks ain't ready to hear all that I'm hearing. But don't doubt, I'm so excited. God is REAL!

This is a good day. SHOUTOUT TO TIFF TIFF!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE OTHER HALF OF MY BRAIN! YA DITKITKIKIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!

PLUS Milyaka is coming today!!! I haven't seen her in....its been too long. I'm so excited to see her!!!!! (Too many exclaimations?)

THEN, its Wednesday! Church tonight! I love my church dude. It's not a game.

That's life

I went to my grand-parent's 50th anniversary thing this weekend. It was great. I had a really good time. Getting reconnected with my aunts, uncles and lil cousins, there's nothing like it. One of my lil cousin's told me that me and sister just left them. We used to visit all the time and then we just stopped. When my parent's got divorced we moved to Illinois then OK and didn't visit Memphis that much because my dad didn't have it together. And that was like 10 years ago. That's what divorce does. But anyway, now all the boys are tall, really tall and all the girls are lil divas. We had fun. And yeah, my speech on behalf of the grandchildren when well. I don't remember what I said, I improvised. Made my sister cry though.

These days, I have to say I feel really good. I find myself smiling for no reason. God's plan is becoming clearer and clearer. Next is the time of making decisions. Some are already being made for me. Some I will have to make. It's cool.


I tried out for the worship team for our college ministry BIO(Bring it on) called The Experience. I made it. Yay me! The kicker is they want me to sing soprano. I'm an alto. I've always been an alto and at times a tenor. Soprano? Are you kidding me? I guess its time for me to stretch. I have been pretty lazy. Picking the lowest note I could find. Sitting pretty in my range. This oughta be interesting. Cole's pretty happy though. She's a natural soprano. When he asked what part I sing, she shouted out, "Soprano!". I was like, "Nuh unh, alto, second alto, tenor. Thank you." They just pullin me out of my comfort zone.

favorite things

Few of my new favorite things:

Lisa McClendon- A great gospel-soul artist. She's taken the place of India.Arie for me.

Vanilla Bean Cheesecake with a graham cracker crust from Burger King. It's really good!!

Ay yo

If you're smart you'll stay close, cus I'm doin BIG things. Otherwise you gone have to watch from the outside!

So good

Just as I thought God confirmed what I was going through in church on Sunday. Bishop Gary preached on "Setting the gates of praise". God is so on-time. That's why I know this church is for me.

This is my mindset nowadays on changes in life.

If I get fired. GREAT! Friends walk out of my life. AWESOME! People talk about me behind my back. WONDERFUL!

Don't get me wrong, I'm cool where I am. I don't wish that any of those things would happen to me, but they do. My job is cool, but if I was to lose it it wouldn't be the end of the world. I honestly cherish all the people in my life and am still working on making these relationships better. Every single one. BUT, I can't control what they do, only what I do. And sometimes I make wrong decisions. So I work on me and go on in life. When one door closes, another opens.

God just says,"Don't worry bout that, I got something better for you."

So that's how I stay happy. As long as I keep working towards God, I have no worries. It ain't easy staying there, but its more than possible.

I'm preparing to go out of town for the weekend. My grandparent's 50th anniversary in Memphis (Dad's parents). They nominated me to speak....who nominated ME? My sister's the oldest grandchild. I haven't even seen my grandfather in.... its been a while. And I saw my grandmother at my other grandmother's funeral, but before that it had been some years. I still don't know what to say. I figure 50 years, say something about longevity. Yeah?

Good 50th anniversary presents anyone? Cus my favorite gift to give is either what that person has told me they want or gift cards. That way they don't get stuck with something they'll never wear or use.

It's bout time for a change of scenery. I hate that I'ma miss church...but not mad that I'ma miss work!

cute story

So I was at my second job last night. I work retail so I was checking out this family and the mom went back to get some other items. Meanwhile, the dad was holding their lil boy. A cute lil blonde haired boy of about 2 years old. He was lookin at me and so I reached out and said "You wanna give me a hug?" and he came to me. Then he wouldn't go back to his parents. I asked him if he wanted to stay help me clean up, he nodded his head yes. I even put him down and he reached for me again. His mom was pleading with him so I could finish checking them out. He wouldn't go. Then she says, "You wanna go home and see the puppy?" He looks up, nods and says, "Puppy." His dad says, "He's such a flirt." It was so cute....Can I get someone closer to my age though?


By the way, I may be slowing down at that second job because I'm getting more involved at church. I'd never thought I'd be one of those people who would want to be at church everyday of the week. But I love it. So I may just end up working there a couple days out of the week. It's not real source of income anyway. God is. But I like the discount and even then I don't NEED it.


I've been using this word a lot lately so I've made great use of dictionary.com.

Awesome: an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc., produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like

In slang its something that is very impressive.

I know the TRUTH: Rejoice

Man, I have really felt like I've been under attack this week. Been having to praise my way out of a bad mood everyday. But it comes back everyday. And people at work and other people aren't helping. So I been just listening to ministry and praise music.

Thought it was PMS because that's the only thing I can think of for being upset for no reason. But its definitely not that. Is it fatigue? Nope I been gettin my rest for the most part. I can sleep all day and still wake up with an attitude. That ain't Jesus.

Gotta be something coming my way. Something BIG. I recieve it. And I'm letting y'all know so you can be a witness to God's works.

On Wednesday at church Bishop Stone came to give a prophecy and said we're about to see God do what we've asked for in prayer. Now when you rejoice its praise before you see the outcome because God has already done it. He gave the example of when theres a replay in sports. Even though you may not have seen the actual play, which is why you need a REplay, you can cheer because you know the outcome. People can cheer at the replay because they know its already happened. They don't have to wait for the replay to cheer, they'll just cheer again when they see it.

Same thing with rejoicing. I can shout NOW, because I know God has already done it. I rejoice NOW.

In the Army

How do you prepare a soldier for war? You put him in war- like situations. Things are no different spiritually. All that we go through is to prepare us for war. Don't be decieved, there's more to life than what you can see with your own eyes. Satan is your enemy. He hates you and he wants to kill you. Point blank. How does he do it? He don't do it himself. He's more like a Charles Manson. He gone make you believe its what you want to do. Then you end up killing yourself.

He distract you while you're having a good time. We partyin, partyin, drunk all over the place, not looking. Then as you come down from the high, you find out there were tiny pieces of glass in your drink. Cutting up all your insides. By the time its in your system its too late. You're already dying. You may not drink, he may come at you a different way. But in the end its the same result. You're killing yourself, because in your mind and heart you believe that's what you want.

God did not create you this way. Satan means deciever. He been lying so long, that people start to believe him.

This is the greatest part. It doesn't HAVE to end in death. All hope is NOT lost. The love of Christ is able to restore all things. Even things that are beyond recognition. What does it take? Trust. Trust there is someone who can take care of all the things you can't handle. Give it up. Some people are searching, searching all the time for something. They look right past God and He's just waiting on you. Waiting for you to open your eyes. People will learn about every other religion, ritual and practice. Believe in psychics, ghosts, witches but not the Holy Spirit. Ignorance is not bliss people. It's death.

I was watching Fred K. Price yesterday and he said something great. Christianity is not a religion. People have categorized it that way so it can be identified. Christianity is a man. But of He is more than a man, He is the Christ. The redeemer.

People have the hardest time submitting to God. But he is GOD. He don't have to prove nothing to you or me. He owns all this! But He gave it to us and even though we keep messing it up, He says, 'It's OK. You'll do better next time. Keep goin.'

People think I'm getting to fanatical about God. That is fine with me. I have SO much confidence in the Lord. I know there's nothing else out there.

It's about to be a war. The devil ain't playin with us. He trying to take as many people out as he can. Why should I pity-pat with him? I have to be about my business. But I don't want him taking none of my friends with him to hell. At the same time if that's where they CHOOSE to go, what can I do? I MYSELF will not be saving anyone. Only Jesus Christ is the Savior. I can point them in the direction, but only they can make that decision.

Where do you start? The Bible says, If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart and , you will be saved. Lemme break it down.

Confess with your mouth: You must say it aloud. There's power in your words. Let the devil hear it!

Jesus is Lord: Lord means owner. That means He's got this! He's the owner, the Creator. Who knows more about a product than the one who made it? You have to give up to control. He gave us free will, so we have give the control. But there's only two choices. God or the devil. If you ain't serving one, you serving the other.

BELIEVE: It starts with belief. Faith. Faith is trust. Trust is confidence. I looked up confidence on msn and I found these definitions: belief or trust in somebody or something, or in the ability of somebody or something to act in a proper, trustworthy, or reliable manner and a relationship based on trust and intimacy.

That's the relationship part.

It doesn't end there though. You gotta find out what the Creator wants for you. He gave us a manual for living. Full of examples of how people failed and got back up. What to do in every situation. And when we don't know what do, He gave us people who have gone through to ask. AND if they're not there, go to the Creator Himself. He answers prayer.

Here I am

It's been so very long. I missed you all so much! I was taking a lil internet break, a fast if you will. I only used the internet I had to. Stayed away from sites like myspace and facebook for a week. Was it hard? Only in my boredom. Then when I checked, not much has changed...... Of course, it was only a week.

Those who missed me the most are the ones I only talk to on the internet. For them it seemed I'd dropped off the face of the Earth. All they had to do was call.......

I have to get my time management in order.

Discernment. I need discernment, Lord. Time to make some choices. I receive it. Thank you, Lord.

Learned a lot in that time. I became a big fan of www.streamingfaith.com. I can watch my favorite preachers like Dr. Creflo Dollar or Dr. Fred. K Price. For those of you who can't get to church or don't know where you would want to go. My church is even on there! GREENWOOD CHRISTIAN CENTER!! So you might even see me on camera sometimes.....

I am taking a class at church right now. They call it School of Leaders to get you prepared for to have your own discipleship group. Its like real school too. I got homework and everything!

In fact, I think I'ma do that right now.

Gimme some work to do

Well that whole "me not wanting to be around people" thing didn't work out so well. I ended up repenting all day. First, I had to say Lord forgive me. Then, I had to say it to the friends I had snapped on.

It was that womens' thing. One of my group members said,'Did you take something for it?' I said, 'Oh I didn't have cramps, I just had an attitude.' What do you take for that? Prayer. Because I knew I was oh so wrong. We all laughed it off.

Didn't get to see Fred K. Price. But tomorrow, definitely going to see Creflo Dollar. That's the homie there.

Praise God

I just praise You Father because You know what's best. Even if I don't know the reason I know You have my best interest at heart. Thank you Lord.

Well! Tiff has arrived finally got on facebook and things. Now we gotta set Britne up and we'll be ret to go.

Today I just don't feel like being around people. However, I think I'm handling it quite well. I want to go home.

Last night I went to sleep at around 6pm and woke up close to 9pm and then went back to sleep at 11pm. I got a meeting tonight and I wanna go see Fredrick K. Price preach at the Mabee Center. We'll see how that goes.

Proverbs 31- Virtuous Woman

I love the Amplified version.

10 A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman--who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls.
11The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil.
12 She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.
13 She seeks out wool and flax and works with willing hands [to develop it].
14 She is like the merchant ships loaded with foodstuffs; she brings her household's food from a far [country].
15 She rises while it is yet night and gets [spiritual] food for her household and assigns her maids their tasks.
16 She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect of her present duties by assuming other duties]; with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard. [S. of Sol. 8:12.]
17 She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm.
18 She tastes and sees that her gain from work [with and for God] is good; her lamp goes not out, but it burns on continually through the night [of trouble, privation, or sorrow, warning away fear, doubt, and distrust].
19 She lays her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20 She opens her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her filled hands to the needy [whether in body, mind, or spirit].
21 She fears not the snow for her family, for all her household are doubly clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes for herself coverlets, cushions, and rugs of tapestry. Her clothing is of linen, pure and fine, and of purple [such as that of which the clothing of the priests and the hallowed cloths of the temple were made].
23 Her husband is known in the [city's] gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes fine linen garments and leads others to buy them; she delivers to the merchants girdles [or sashes that free one up for service].
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; she rejoices over the future [the latter day or time to come, knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it]!
26 She opens her mouth in skillful and godly Wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction].
27 She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness (gossip, discontent, and self-pity) she will not eat.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, fortunate, and to be envied); and her husband boasts of and praises her, [saying],
29 Many daughters have done virtuously, nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], but you excel them all.
30 Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised!
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates [of the city]!

Did I get an A?

I had a revelation about tests this morning. God tests us not to see what we are going to do, because I believe he already knows, but for us to see what we are going to do. It helps us gauge where we are in our progress. Whether we pass or fail can tell us if we have more work to do in an area or we can move to the next task.

I can see growth in an area. I told one of my guy friends that I loved him (just as a friend). That's a big step for me. It was hard for me to give males any compliments, let alone tell them I love them. I can tell my girl friends I love them all day long and how nice they look and how great they are. My guy friends would get none of that. Even though I called them "friends" I still had a bitterness toward men. I can see the growth. I love the Lord.

I like it

I finally got some rest! Thank you Jesus! I was convinced I had to work, so I took like 10 min nap and got up to go to work, exhausted. I walked in to see my name was not on the schedule. I checked with my manager and she said,"You're not on the schedule, but you can work if you want to." I was like," NO, I want to sleep! I mean, I have to sleep. Thank you, bye." And ran out. I don't know if it was my mistake or just because the Lord knew I needed to sleep, but I'll take it. They would not have wanted me to work in the condition I was in. They would have lost sooo many customers. Praise God.

I have a new resolution that I will buy more dresses. Dresses are so easy. One piece makes an outfit. All you have to do is accessorize. It's a genius idea! Plus its too hot for pants anyway.

Always on time

This was a pretty amazing weekend. Friday, I really can't remember what I did. All I know is that I wanted to see Making the Band 3 and stayed up to watch it. Not the greatest idea since I had to get up the next morning and go to a 7am meeting. Secular music is whack these days as far as the writing goes, but they got hot beats out there. I just love watching the recording process unfold. Saturday was a combination of cleaning and sleeping until I went to work at 6pm. For once I was completely rested and full of energy. Little did I know I would need every bit of that rest.

My friends were having a Diva Dynasty(that's what we call ourselves) slumber party. And for your information, you are never too old to have slumber parties. I plan on having one for my wedding. But since I got off late I came over after I got off work. We had to go back to Nicole's to get some things.

Her mom is a minister. I just love her so much. She is an awesome woman of God and you just wanna soak up everything she has to say. Well she had some words for us. She ended up talking to us and teaching until 5:30 am. I don't feel like the time was wasted at all. It's such a priviledge to have people so close to God be accessible to you. Prophets in the midst. And she was so very on point with her prophecies. God is so on time when you need the correction and encouragement to go to the next level, if you really want it.

I had to wake up at 6am for prayer anyway by the time I got my phone call, I had to tell my cousin I hadn't been to sleep at all. I did a skimpy lil prayer (forgive me Lord) and tried to sleep for about an hour. Got up, picked up this girl for church and prayed to stay awake. I did and church was great, but after church I had to go back to work. Speaking of church, I think wearing my high heels may have made me pull a muscle and I'm sore. Y'all know I'm outta shape. High heels are a work out. It's truly sad.

I went home and fell asleep for 45 min when I was only supposed to sleep about 15 min and was a lil late for work. At first I was like I don't know how I'm gonna make it the next 4 hours. So I tried to stay away from people because I can be cranky when I'm sleepy (Some have been a witness, it ain't pretty).

When I got my 15 min break I got an expresso and they put me on the register, then I was right out there with the people so I had to be personable. I didn't wanna talk to people, I was fine restocking and stuff. But NOOO, they had put me out front. I ended up having fun. When I left I went to go pick up the things I'd left at Nova's. Me and Nicole went and washed the car I was driving, I cleaned the kitchen, played with the neice and tried to cook some chicken. (Didn't get to eat any). I feel once you're going you might as well keep on going. Of course I slept extra hard last night, but I am so very sleepy today. Still gotta work the second job tonight. My po body. I shall be sleeping tonight and not accepting or making any phone calls, so leave a message. Love ya.

People, people

Yeah that chocolate surprise....I got a surprise alright. It was OLD! I don't even think chocolate should be that color. No wonder they were giving it away for free.

Slept a lil better last night. Of course it was on the floor.


Starting to plan the Homecoming trip. I told Nicole that depending on how many people were coming, we may have to get a mini-van. She flipped! She hates mini-vans with a passion. I wonder how mini-van's came to traumatize her this way. She says: "That is not sexy! That's like taking a mini-van to the prom!" Then she suggest a Dodge Magnum. That's a station wagon! The way she feels about mini-vans is the way I feel about station wagons. We'll figure something out. Gotta find out how many people are coming first.

Randomness

I used to think that Black people had the monopoly on chicken, but I think the Chinese people got us. When you think about it we are only associated with fried chicken and if you include West Indian people as Black, then you got curried and jerk chicken. That's about it. But I was at the chinese buffet and they got, bamboo chicken, sesame chicken, general tso, chicken fried rice, orange chicken, bourbon chicken, AND fried chicken (its good too)!

I was just thinkin I got a chocolate bar in my other purse. The manager at Arby's gave it to me for free. It'll come in handy when I'm hungry and I forget I had a chocolate bar in my purse. A nice lil chocolate surprise.

I think its a good time to work out when you can hear your bones cracking and your joints are sore for no reason. However, I refuse to work out until I get my MP3 player. But even if I did have an MP3 player I probably still wouldn't have time to fit it into my schedule.

Last night I tried to make it to bed at a reasonable hour. I made it about 11ish. Not bad. Then I couldn't sleep. Kept waking up during the night. I figure its my bed. I slept on the floor all last week then my back started hurting. I think I slept better down there, maybe I just need some more blankets.

Everybody at this company thinks that they are invaluable to this company. It's true they are. But they think that they are the most important to the company. Not true. When will people learn the sum of its parts are greater than each part separately?

Yeah right......really?

The cockiness of some people blows my mind. But what can you say when you know its the truth? Are they really being cocky then?

Let's look it up:

over-confident: arrogantly confident and sure of yourself

Yeah that's them.

What's funny is, they still be tellin the truth, but in arrogant way. Do they have the right? Perhaps.....or maybe we could go about it another way. No disrespect, I kinda like it.....

And it's also funny how people observe things you didn't know you were letting them see. Am I that transparent? Yes, sometimes I can be.

In the meantime, in between time

I really need some order in my life. I think it all starts with the sleep I'm NOT getting. But as my girl Nicole pointed out, even if I am chillin at the house at 9pm I will not go to sleep at 10. It just doesn't happen. Oh but it needs to.

Plus, the Lord has been convicting me because my spending is ridiculous! And its starting to make me mad. Maybe I need to fast to get some focus. Because this is a roadblock. BUT the next thing on my list to buy is either some headphones for work or an MP3 player because I can't take this silence. It makes me restless, then I end up on the internet. But when you share an office you must be considerate of others. Music helps me focus though.

Speaking of roads, I presented the idea to my friends about going to Hampton's Homecoming in October. They seem excited. Then they said they wanted to drive. I was like....ehh I just did that a couple months ago and it almost killed me. But yes there will be more drivers hence, more people to put in for gas. Plus, I spend almost everyday with these girls already. It's an opportunity for pictures, stories and goofiness. We'll see who's down around October.

Random sidenote: Why doesn't Outback Steakhouse open till 3pm? That's just outrageous to me.

day by day

As was expected the graduation ceremony was awesome. God really showed up in the place. Even though it lasted till almost 2am, I'm glad no one got short changed on what God had to say to them. I just thank the Lord for prophets. That's a great responsibility. Prophesy means to speak life. That's what it did.

I had an amazing weekend. Watching my friends graduate the following day, let me see how blessed I am. I got some powerhouse women in my life. Thank you LORD! But also it helps you appreciate the anointing on people. When you think you know someone, you get comfortable with their gifts. You stop appreciating what you have right next to you because its so close.

My friends have requested that I put my prophecy on my page. I really wanna pray about that first. I still have to listen to it a couple more times myself.

On Sunday, I had to teach childrens church. It was an experience. Anything with kids is an experience. I don't really kick it with kids that much, but I enjoyed it. I really had to put my selfishness aside. I wanted to be out in praise in worship. I wanted to be taught, not teach anybody. It was fun though. So, I volunteered to do it once a month.

Sunday night was sooo much fun. Hangin out with my girls. Don't worry to my other girls, you are irreplaceable. We created a whole page of quotes.

Nicole bought me a t-shirt that says 'Pure Genius'. She thinks I'm so smart. Just cus I have a wealth of unusable knowledge. As soon as I put the shirt on I began contradict it. I think those were my most blonde moments. That's why I got my hair highlighted. To explain when I say dumb stuff.

Pure

Today is the day of my graduation. I'm so excited. I feel like its my wedding day. I'm contemplating not wearing make up because i know how big a cry- baby I am when it comes to church. The tears are real, but I have big alligator tears. They drop to the floor like water bombs. It's a given that I will cry at my real wedding. Although I hate crying in public when its because of anger or embarrassment, I'm ok with it if its tears of happiness or repentence.

So I ended up gettin about 4 hours of sleep last night doin my hair and kickin it. I'm paying for it right now.

Still putting together my life purpose. I'll have something before tonight.

To give is better

Did you know suffering was a spiritual gift? Have you ever been glad NOT to get a gift? But its a gift because those people are able to endure and be an example to others who are going through.

Suffering. The extraordinary ability to endure hardship, pain, and distress with an amount of joy and fortitude to inspire others to endure their suffering and to lead others to accept God's offer of salvation made possible in Christ's suffering (p. 180).
Matthew 16:24, Mark 8:34, John 18:11, Romans 8:17,
2 Corinthians 11:23-27; 12:1-10, Philippians 1:29ff., 1 Peter 4:12-14

I found this when I was looking more into my spiritual gifts. I took this spiritual gifts test through my purity class. Its crazy because I didn't do it when I was supposed to. When I finally did it, it was confirmation of things others had spoken into my life and things I'd heard from God.

What are your gifts? Everyone has them.

Check out the church lady hat:

Fresh Start

So yesterday I had my meeting with my group leader who is also my cousin. I got her teasingly about snapping at me the day before. Just like I thought, PMS. Yeah so she's excused. I understand that because I get short with people when I'm cramping too. Some people actually like that "straight the point" response. Really I want YOU to get straight to the point because I don't really like to hear people talkin to me while I'm cramping. Rub my belly or somethin and shut up. Get me some tea and shut up. Yeah...its like that.


So in the meeting we decided collectively as a group to get up at 6am and have prayer. We each call one person and they call someone else, you pray for 30 min and then you call that person back when you finish. It's great because you are praying for one another and you can start your day early. This was the first day. I hope everyone is able to keep it up.

sounds in my head

So I've been fasting from music for the last couple weeks. You'd be surprised what songs pop into your head. Songs I haven't heard in years and I know ALL the words. Craziness.

I still have the most boring assignment at work, so I'm on the internet. Everyone keeps assuring me it will get better. I still think of it as temporary. I'm an artist, I need to be creative.

Going to get my shoes to complete my graduation outfit.

I am overdue for some new contacts and since my neice broke my glasses, I need some of those too. Next paycheck, yes!!

So ready to get my own place. Looks like it will be pushed back another month. It's ok, I'll deal. More time to get money saved and get a car. I don't plan on rushing things and ending up somewhere I don't want to be.

My cousin got mad at me because she was telling me about this deal in the apts she used to live in and I told her we'd looked at them and didn't like them. She gave me this 'Well it doesn't matter to me. I HAVE a place to live.' Now that was really uncalled for. You know what I think it is? That time of the month. She gets really snappy during that time. Taking it out on those close to her. Yup. I'll just pray for her. I know she's just trying to look out for me anyway.

I've become a fan of that USA show Psych. Where the guy makes people think he's psychic because of his observational skills. It's made me wanna be more observant but at the same time I don't care that much.

My old roomie has made a whole album on facebook dedicated to the Heat. I just found out thanks to her that Dwayne Wade and his wife have been together since they were nine years old. That's so cute!

so much for the rules

i know I'm not supposed to be on the internet at work, but it is so incredibly boring. yes, i have a task to accomplish but it doesn't take any brain cells to do it. I'm falling asleep at my desk because of my huge nap yesterday i only got 3 hours sleep last night.

That's what I'm talkin bout

Oh Church was really good today. But there were some scriptures I wanted to share because it was just what I was writing in my diary last year.....Not like this, but basically it was the same concept. This is from the amplified Bible. I love the amplified version.


From the Book of Romans:

18 For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot perform it. [I have the intention and urge to do what is right, but no power to carry it out.]

19 For I fail to practice the good deeds I desire to do, but the evil deeds that I do not desire to do are what I am [ever] doing.

20 Now if I do what I do not desire to do, it is no longer I doing it [it is not myself that acts], but the sin [principle] which dwells within me [[a]fixed and operating in my soul].

21 So I find it to be a law (rule of action of my being) that when I want to do what is right and good, evil is ever present with me and I am subject to its insistent demands.

22 For I endorse and delight in the Law of God in my inmost self [with my new nature].(A)

23 But I discern in my bodily members [[b]in the sensitive appetites and wills of the flesh] a different law (rule of action) at war against the law of my mind (my reason) and making me a prisoner to the law of sin that dwells in my bodily organs [[c]in the sensitive appetites and wills of the flesh].

24 O unhappy and pitiable and wretched man that I am! Who will release and deliver me from [the shackles of] this body of death?

25 O thank God! [He will!] through Jesus Christ (the Anointed One) our Lord! So then indeed I, of myself with the mind and heart, serve the Law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.


Yes that's basically what I was saying only more poetic and stuff.

On another note:

I think BK is trying to kill people with all this meat on their burgers. Either that or they just ordered too much and are trying to get rid of it. It's crazy.

Oh yeah today at church I broke out my big hat. It was like the hat was a celebrity of its own. We even took pictures. Soon to be on Facebook.

What now?

Well, I've been told I can't be on the internet at work other than on my lunch hour. Eh, who knew? Not me, I've been doing it for about two months now. I'll follow the rules though. I can't stand being chastised.

I'm getting ready for my graduation from my purity class at church. I'm so excited! It's just really given me reason to spend money. Betcha the outfit is gonna be bangin! And watch out for the shoes homie! Of course its not about the clothes.....its really about the Lord. But there will be pictures.

I've learned so much through this class. Even more than when I was in college. None of that has made nearly the impact of this class. It's about learning intimacy with Christ. Gettin down and personal with Him. It's been amazing!

I've been meaning to write about our soul-ties ceremony, which was mind blowing. Also I think about this lesson I learned through the class: God made a purpose for everything, but the purpose for everything is not known. If you don't know the purpose for something, you will abuse it.

So for the completion of the class we have to write a life purpose statement and life purpose scripture. At the ceremony a prophet is going to speak to each of us personally. I know that's gonna be just out of control! I'm trying to be ready.

I believe this is going to be one of my scriptures:
You are to be holy to Me because I, the Lord am holy, and I have set you apart from the nations to be my own.
Leviticus 20: 26

I picked that one because my name means holy and throughout this whole process I've been hearing 'you've been set apart'. You have no idea how excited I am! It's scary and exciting to find your purpose because when you do, you have to start walking in it.

you can't catch me

Man this has been a busy week, but with two jobs and all what do you expect. I've made myself a schedule because things are not getting done and I'm tired of looking at my room the way it is.

My roomie and I narrowed down our apartments to two. I finally told my mother I was moving out. Her reaction was "OK". That's definitely not what I was expecting. No yelling, no objection, nothin. I guess she's as ready for me to go as I am. So now that there's nothing in the way, we moving full force ahead.

So this job that wants to hire me permanently has told me I have to work here for about 2 more months before i can become permanent. Even then I may not get much more than I am getting now. We shall see. Needless to say I have to decided to keep my job search open. But I will stay here until I find another one. Seems like you can't get a job till you got one.

Woman

So, last night after church I was chillin catchin up with my girls. A 10 min convo turns into 2 and a half hours. Yes we talked about sooo much and still wasnt done when I had to leave because I gotta go to work.

I am amazed at sometimes how well I know myself. I have 'sometimes too honest' in my facebook profile. Yeah, that's me. And during the conversation last night, I had to lay some things out on the table. Tell it like it is. I know when to shut up. I keep quiet most of the time. But then there's a time to SPEAK. And when you ask me to speak, be prepared for what's about to come out. I don't hold back anymore. I don't have time for that. So we were laughing and things, but I know I was hittin some spots.

They were like, 'I surprised you haven't gotten into any fights with that mouth! You are hard. Or at least had a good shakin!' And I said, 'Well, people love me.' But the thing about the truth is if it's the truth, it will come to pass. And you can get upset, but you gotta get over it once it comes to pass. You cannot deny it.

One funny thing they also said that they were talkin about how grown I am. I laughed.

Yeah, you're real grown. Like, 'go take yourself and sit down somewhere' grown.

Well I didn't realize my adulthood was showing through like that. I've felt above my age since I was 12. I had a father who wanted to be my son and a sister who would act like she was the younger one. Some one had to be the adult.

I still laugh when Chris calls me a 33 year old. He's used that joke since last year. It's still hard for me to say I'm 23. When people ask me, I'm like twweeeenty......three....yeah twenty-three.

Embrace age as it comes.

Randomness(Been a long time!)

1. I can tell within the first 4 seconds whether I will like a song or not.
2. My daddy said I could read the dictionary at three.....Not that I doubt my intelligence but wouldn't I have heard more about that by now?
3. So I told a male friend of mine I'm gettin my hair permed and lettin go of my afro and he said, Good. Maybe you can get a dude now. I said, Shut UP! I am not my hair! I am not this thing....somethin, somethin, somethin (India.Arie). I liked my fro its just time for something easier.
4. I'ma hair rebel. Guys say they like long hair, I cut it. Everybody goin natural, I get a perm. There's something wrong with that. Rebellious for no reason.
5. Don't you hate when people say something is ok then they go and complain about it to someone else?
6. My co-workers are killin me with these Chuck Norris jokes.
7. I can be quite condescending sometimes. Bear with me I'm working on it. Just the fact that I know and can admit it is a step.
8. Still on a mission for an MP3 player. Furniture is #1 priority though.
9. I've become more of a fan of myspace lately. More quizzes and crap to keep me busy.
10. I notice that sometimes music can remind you of a place you've never been. Where is this place? I miss it.
11. Is 'dancery' a word?

Oh boy!

CONGRATULATIONS MIAMI HEAT!!!




Yes it was a lovely game! Shout out to Dwayne Wade MVP! He's an awesome player even if he is married....But yes, did you notice he gave God all the glory? Amen! That's the way you do it. Give credit where credit is due!!

I think I titled this blog so very accurately. I ask myself that almost everyday. Where do we go from here? Sometimes I have the answer, sometimes I don't.

I ask my friends where are we going from here? Yeah well I'll just see when I get there.


I don't know how I'm gonna make through the next few hours. I'm cold, sleepy and already complaining. I guess its time for the coffee. Today is my first day working at the second job. Hope I make I it through. I just wanna see my bed.

I'm so excited about getting my hair done on Saturday. I wanted to alert my co-workers that I will be wearing the same hairstyle until Saturday. And that's just gonna be the way it is. It will probably be more torture for me than them. Some people here wear their hair the same everyday anyway.

Being cold also makes me scatterbrained.

it has come

Yes people I have finally reached my breaking point. I think I'm bout to just give up.....I'ma go ahead and get a relaxer. I've been natural for oh a couple years now I think. Now I'm just too busy to sit up, straighten and blow dry it. I only got a perm a couple times a year anyway.

I'm tired of trying to figure out what I'ma do and I'm not a braids person nor do I have time to sit and get it braided.

Yup I think that's it. I did enjoy wearing my curly fro sometimes. I think I'll give it a good-bye on Saturday. Once more for the good times.

smh

him : i think i could have made you love me
me : lmbo
me: where did that come from
me: why do you say that?
him: cause you said i wasnt your dream dude
him: n i think i could have been
me: hmm i dunno


that was so totally random. we're talkin about kids one moment, the next: this. it's so funny to me. and before you take his side thinking he's pouring his feelings out and i'm just mercilessly laughing at him. he has a girlfriend, who he says he's married to. where does this even come up in your thought process?

now the sad thing is, back in the day....perhaps if some things had gone differently, yes. but i wouldn't put that in his brain.

men, when you make decisions, make them for your future, not just in the moment.

now perhaps this came with his ego. i could have made her love me, no doubt. and i'm like yeah sure whatever. did i just take a shot at his self esteem?.........SO?! Ioncare!

he's still my homie, love him to death, but will he always wonder what if? i don't know. will i? nope. i refuse to live my life that way. today is today, yesterday is gone, prepare for tomorrow. it's all about the future.

i need someone who can be with me where i'm goin. i need a man who will pray me through. who will minister to me. who will encourage. who knows the Lord in depth. i can wait. there's still a lotta work to be done in me. *sigh*

on the bright side

well, i had become so busy in life that i didn't really have time to get myself in order. now that i'm sittin at work and have nothing to do, i've started settin up my budget, i opened up a savings account, started my life plan. what makes me happy? what makes me unhappy? well i started thinkin about my life plan.....

last night at my 12 meeting(i'll tell you what a 12 is in a minute) we watched No More Sheets by Jaunita Bynum. when it was over everyone was stunned to silence. I reccomend it to anyone guy or girl who feels trapped by sex. it will at least get you thinking about what you want in life.

at my church, a way they have in helping you through the process of the Christian walk is by puttin you in a 12 group. the concept of a 12 group is as Jesus had 12 disciples, if we disciple 12 people and they disciple 12 people, the vision is that much closer to becoming fulfilled. your 12 group has a leader and you meet each week to discuss what you've been goin through and for prayer.

it's a wonderful concept. life is hard enough, you need support and you tend to go through more stuff when you're trying to do right.

the verse i am meditating on right now is habakkuk 2:2

2And the LORD answered me:
"Write the vision;
make it plain on tablets,
so he may run who reads it.
3For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
it hastens to the end--it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay.

so i'm coming to a point in my walk where i can tell that some of my friends are tired of me talking about God. but i can't stop. it's too important. i can see what they are doing to themselves. i can see what their future is going to look like. none of it is good. and i see God pursuing them and they keep running just like i did. and He didn't have to pursue me, but He did. who am i? you think its too hard for you? everyday is a struggle for me. if i can do it, you can.

I'll tell you what...

You ever been so cold, you couldn't eat? That's how cold it is in here. I can barely think. I've done a couple productive things in my day. Still got 3 and a half hours to go.

Went bowling yesterday with my church people yesterday. It was the youth against the college ministry. With there being 72,343,455 of the youth and 10 of the college age folks, I admitted defeat before we started. Plus I couldn't remember the last time I'd bowled. I think my final score was like 31 or something.

Well Lookey Here

So I found out that my sister's "boyfriend" is moving here and they are looking for an apartment together. That still doesn't change the fact that I wanna move out. This is what I'm looking at. IF he even comes, I give it a month before one moves out. I can't even imagine what it will be like in that apartment the way they argue on the phone.

She says I can have her bedroom furniture. Because of her previous record, I'm wary about taking it. I might have to hear about it for the next ten years.

I really do want her to be able to do her own thing and be successful, but my sister is hard headed and I know what that's like. So people like that, you gotta let em bump their head.

Don't pray then worry

I thank God for my friend Nicole. She's been a blessing and a half. Laughter when I need it, a listening ear, and just plain fun. My new partner in crime.

Of course I don't think of her as a replacement. None of my friends can be replaced. Everyone makes their own mark.

This thought just popped in my head while at work. I miss Milyaka. She so close yet so far away. Sometimes feels further than when I was in VA.

I miss Tiff. We used to talk 5 times a day. It feels like I haven't talked to her in years. I talked to her yesterday....But it was just once. That wasn't nearly enough time.

I've got an interview today for a second job. I'm certain I will get it. So between two jobs and church, I will have very lil time. Better get to me while you can.

I can see the path

The first time I felt like I was in love was freshman year of college. I met a guy. He was pretty cool. Funny, handsome, had some of that sarcasm I liked. Plus, he really had to get my attention. I was interested in a couple other guys at the time. Yes, it is all about the chase.

This was the kicker. I used to and still do from time to time have these gut wrenching, bawling over, make you wanna slap EVERYBODY type cramps. When I would see him or talk to him on the phone, all the pain would go away. Just like that. So I thought this just has to be love.

Of course I got played and my heart was shattered. But that was my first feelings of love. I think we only ever kissed once.

Yeah the second guy of college was all physical passion. Making out, cuddling and affection. Very little words were spoken at all. I can probably count the conversations we had on the phone one hand.

It lasted two years.....I liked him and I told him that. I just didn't know what else to say. We kinda faded out, but remained friends. Just friends. Only made out once after that.

The third guy.....with him it was like being roughly shaken from a deep sleep. It's startling, kinda makes you mad, but you wanna see what all the fuss is about. What's gonna happen next. There was emotional passion, physical passion, long conversations about nothing and everything, but no spiritual growth. God was not the center there or in any of them.

I think of these three most often. What I did, what I let happen, what I should have done. I didn't go looking for them. They found me. I won't go looking again, but I'll be better about my filtering process.