Ok so

I don't do resolutions but I am gonna try something different and I'm going to document it for accountability purposes. So anyone who knows me knows I have a little bit of a shopping problem. It doesn't help matters that I work/live in my favorite clothing store plus I have a discount and we get crazy deals. So I have to decided to see how long I can go without shopping. The ultimate goal is 90 days. Shoot I'll be happy if I can make it 21 days. And I'm gonna start there.

So the rules are:

1. No frivolous spending which includes clothes shopping, eating out more than 3x a week or things at wal-mart that I really just don't need.

2. However every pay period I will allow myself to splurge on a lil something for the specified amount of $25 (I just made that up right now, I hadn't specified earlier)

And I think thats about it. The gist of it is I'm tired of never getting anywhere with my savings and my closet is steady getting more and more full. So here goes. I'm gonna check in with my blog on payday because thats when I get my urge to spend and we'll see how it goes from there.

one

I had to put on my comfy clothes for this one. Take the contacts out and relax for this here. So I was just having some random thoughts the other night and decided to jot them down. I don't know where this is gonna go so be prepared for anything. I also don't really have a point so if it works out I will be totally surprised. Here goes:

I've never been a popular person per se. I moved around a lot. Not alot of time to get to know people. Connections were short lived. All I've ever needed was one friend. One ryde or die homie. One mic. One confidant. Usually when I moved to a new place. I would be outgoing for a while, find my one person and then shut down again. I've never wanted lots of people to know my name. Although, let's face it they probably should.Now I'm not unpopular in the nerdy, geeky sense of the word. I just don't know alot of people nor do they know me. I don't want people calling or texting me at all times of the day and night asking, "What are you doing? Whats going on tonight? Where the party at?" I don't want to be obligated to too many people. I don't want to have to entertain.

So the ironic thing is that those kind of people seem to gravitate to me. Why? Idk. Because I'm NOT a groupie? I'm available? Who knows? So needless to say: I don't really understand this phenomenon. I know some famous people in real life. They may not have a record deal or a tv show, but people really like to hype them up. I just think its gotta be exhausting ya know?

Which is probably all of these stars begin to fall apart at some point. I think we all need to be able to hear our own voices. Get to a quiet place and hear God. And I'm not saying that the way I keep people at a distance is right or healthy. And I'm not saying that its not. But at times it sure is helpful. I can entertain myself. I enjoy me.

Some people simply have an attractive personality. And for some reason they usually don't mind having people around. We need these kind of people in the world. They're called influencers. The problem usually comes when they influence people in the wrong direction. Take Hitler for instance. Bad influence leading to genocide.

College and work have made me step outside of my boundaries. I've become more outspoken, but at the heart I'm still loner.

Communicate!

For the past few weeks I have been going back and forth learning this lesson in communication. I admit I wouldn't call myself the best at it. But I have been told that I am: passive aggressive, a bad listener, not verbally expressive, cold and just a flat out bad communicator.

A lil something about me:

When I was younger, I felt whether I said things or not it wouldn't matter. People don't change based on what you say anyway. Therefore I kept a lot to myself. I journaled my feelings. I've kept a journal since I was 11. When it came time for me to actually let someone into my life, I can't lie it was extremely hard to let them into my thoughts.

Trust is a major issue. I am still very cautious about who I let in. But now after getting a hard and fast lesson about fighting and having some (to me) highly sensitive friends, I've tried to notice any signs that I'm shutting down. I'm not very sensitive, but I'm not selfish. I really do care about others and their feelings.

Now, I try to nip things in the bud early. If I'm really upset, it may take me a day to get my thoughts together and then present them. I never cut all all communication. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away, it just makes it more awkward when you finally have to face it. Its still very, very hard for me to confront people. But when I push past my discomfort and bring up these issues, is it unreasonable for me to expect some reciprocation? Well you can't expect everyone to be where you are.

One of my very outspoken friends who prides herself on her communication and I have been bumping heads since day one. Just because you say it out loud doesn't make it ok what you say. So I find myself having to regain my footing and think about how to talk to her. If I am extremely straight forward with someone, I feel like they can take it. Some people make you have to rethink what you say them. Well I feel like I do that with her. But maybe she doesn't necessarily do that for me. Or perhaps she feels like she does.... It must be addressed. Leading to another awkward conversation.

I'm getting the feeling that life is full of awkward conversations. Yes, just now realizing that. And I get tired of them. I get tired of explaining. I get tired. Why can't you just know?! But if you value your relationships, you have to. Otherwise, if you don't care about those relationships justshutup.

How do you know love?

So this is the question: What does it mean to be IN love? I remember a teacher once told us that if you find that you still love that person 10 yrs from now, you can know that you really loved that person. I was discussing this with my best friend and her conclusion was this: its simply loving someone who you're attracted to.

I feel this way: there's got to be some evidence of sacrifice. If you're not willing to give anything up for that person, don't say you love them. Secondly, people will hurt you time and time again. Whether it be intentionally or unconsciously its bound to happen at some time. You have to be able to forgive. Third, you have to be able to feel safe with that person. Enough to let them in the deep, dark places that no one else is allowed.

If you gather all those things and place it with a level of passion and attraction Voila! You're in love! Sex is not love. We seem to know this and at the same time, we act like we don't. Sex has one purpose to bond two people, create life and of course pleasure. It sounds like 3 but its one. When the purpose for something is not known it will be abused. So people have taken an attribute out the total purpose and made it seem like thats the purpose. Well we know that the pleasure in sex is the sense of euphoria you feel by the release of chemicals through an orgasm. Giving you (mostly women) that 'loving' feeling.

So "being in love" can be accelerated by physical affection, constant communication and emotional pulls. This is also known as a soul tie.

My love test starts with this: 1 Corinthians 13:4

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And that's just the beginning, being in love is still not the same as staying in love. I do believe that love(the action) is a choice and something that you have to practice.

It's such a complicated thing only because you never can know how another person will react or what their thoughts, emotions and history's are. I am a cautious person. Best believe that if I say that I'm in love with someone, that that love has been tested without a doubt.