What did u say?

We will all be held accountable for the words we say. And its even more serious because once you say words, you cannot take them back. I've been saying a lot lately and the bottom line is: I should take my own advice. In most cases the advice is beyond me anyway. It's God speaking through me and its good advice.

One thing I asked for in prayer is that God would expose anything about me that is not like Him. That anything that would hinder my growth in God be brought to the forefront. Well, God does answer prayer.

Now, in my asking to be exposed there is the actual exposure part I have to deal with. It's often times embarrassing and very hard to go through it. But if you can admit that you're wrong for ever you've done and not try and cover it up, it usually means you want to change for the better. Some people are caught red handed in their mess and still deny they ever did it. I want to change for the better.

I have seen some things that I didn't even realize I did. Some things I didn't realize I was still doing.

All I can do now is accept the responsibility..... and the consequences. Oh yes, there are consequences. With every lil bit of exposure, I risk losing a lot. But it's because of my own doing.

Then I have to forgive myself, because if I use all my time sulking and wallowing in my failures, I might miss my blessing. And I have to forgive others for anything I may be holding against them. If we don't forgive others, how can we expect to be forgiven? You know the funny thing is, it's pretty easy for me to forgive. Bitterness weighs me down and makes it too easy to be depressed. But I often go to the extreme with my head in the clouds and forget other things too that set me up for the fall.

During my purity graduation, the prophet told me I know how to keep God's secrets and He has entrusted me with much. That's an awesome responsibility. It can also seem overwhelming if I let it. But the flip side of that is, I've fallen off from keeping other secrets. I had this thing like word vomit and sometimes when I tell myself to keep something, I end up telling. Not everything, trust, but usually its the very time I should keep my mouth shut.

The great thing about God is while I am being put out there is that He's a great and patient teacher. The God of a second, third, fourth, fifth to seventieth chance. With people sometimes we aren't as fortunate. What can we do? Deal with it.

So while I am being exposed and transparent. For the people who know me, they have a choice. They can cover me with prayer or choose to intensify my exposure. In his book Teach me how to love you, Thomas Weeks says, " If a man can love your weaknesses, he'll adore your strengths." I believe the same goes in family and friendships. Some peoples' weaknesses we just don't want to or have to deal with and that's a choice.

All I can do is take things as they are. Continuing to grow and change, hoping I don't run too many people off and learn from mistakes the first time I make them (not the fifteenth time like I usually do!).

Open the curtains

For the afternoon matinee, V for Vendetta. I'll tell y'all how that goes. I'm skeptical.

I figure for the rest of the week, I'll get some bon-bons and lay up in the bed, reading my book. Sounds good to me!


I was flipping channels and for some reason I stopped on BET NOW. Perhaps I shouldn't have been watching it, but I stopped just the same. So I was watching this video for that Shareefa girl called 'I need a boss'.

What's goin through my head is like this:

Hm, her haircut's different. Hot beat. Oh but she can't dance though. Now he know he ain't earn that money. She want somebody she can call Papi, Daddy? Uh, no. All that flashy stuff makes me nervous, looks real illegal.

Then Ludacris come out talkin bout he the 'king of all kings'. So what? You sayin you Jesus, Luda? That's the only King of kings I know. Then he go on to say, "I got more verses than the Bible". Oh let's just take the blasphemy to a whole nother level. The devil is bold these days!

That's when I knew I had to quit. I just can't do the whole secular thing and I'm bout to go repent right now.

No doubt

I finally finished Inside Man. Spike Lee is so off the chain. My favorite things about a Spike Lee joint are his signature shots. Now it's like you wait the whole movie just to see those shots. I could do without some of the language, but he always gets his point across.

Like every artist, he goes off the deep end sometimes. Like that scene in Girl 6 when all the phones are falling from the sky. Now that was really dumb.

Switching subjects, aren't there some people you hate to hear use slang because they just don't sound right? Even if they are young in age. Even if they are in that culture that created it.

Speaking of culture, one thing that bothers me is when a person completely forsakes their own culture for another. I am all for learning about other cultures. I love learning about traditions and different foods and languages, but I love my people. In no way am I excluding anyone, but if you don't have a close friend in your own culture it says something about you. I think its a form of self hatred. Just like when you confine yourself to dating someone of a race thats not your own. Again, I'm not saying you shouldn't date other races. I myself am open minded. I don't say I will only date black men. I love my black men. I am also open to someone of another culture coming into my life. One thing we must have in common though, no doubt, is Christ.

Man, I miss A Different World. There's no sitcom like it. Where they aren't afraid to get serious. Then come right back and make you laugh. A commentary on society today. Not just ignoring what's going on in the world for the sake of comedy.

Yes I am quite random. Thoughts stack on top of each other in my head, fighting their way to the surface. I try to stay on one stream of consciousness, but some times it doesn't work. Thomas Weeks says its because women must multi-task to run a home that it seems we have different personalities. Women have personalities, men have issues. And your man must have as many issues as you have personalities in order to know when to switch it up. Otherwise, he won't know how to handle that woman. Great book people. Pick that one up.

The Scenery!

My first day on hiatus from work. Bout to get started on cleaning out the closet. My sister called herself cleaning my room, but her cleaning is very deceptive. You go into the room and it looks spotless. Then you go the closet and there's everything you didn't see. I appreciate the initial work though. One less thing for me to do.

I'm reading Teach me how to love you by Thomas Weeks III. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and just kept reading. I can tell its gonna be a great book already. Full of wisdom and realness.

I saw this movie I really enjoyed this morning called What a Way to Go with Shirley McClaine. This lady get married 4 times and each time they start out in love but eventually her husband gets incredibly rich and dies in some freak accident. It would have been pretty sad if it weren't funny. In the end she's got like a $100 mil and living on a farm with a failure of a husband. Just the way she'd always dreamed.

Sanaa Lathan is on Nip/Tuck now. I might have to check that out.

On the first day of my hiatus, I'm clearing out my head. Hopefully not filling it up with too much junk. I am catching up on my television though. What I have found is that there's nothing on TV.

I cleaned and then I got sucked into this internet. As soon as I check myspace I'm gettin off this thing.

Praise God

Who didn't think the devil would show up in worship practice? MAN, people trespassin, taking spots and positions they shouldn't be taking. But that's ok. All we gotta do is worship the Lord. Sing to the Lord. Be filled with His presence and he'll give peace. That's all we gotta do is worship. Easy right? Not so much.

What shoulda happened is someone should have gone to that person and had a one on one with them. A lot of us saw the division. Some were ignorant to the fact it was going on. It was not nice. I was simply trying to learn the song, my part, and go home so I could sleep. But we can't let people hinder the effectiveness of the team. We gotta let God lead. It's not just about singing. And y'all this is just the first practice. It's not gonna happen again. Glad it happened early.

Either the person who feels trespassed against will have to go to that other person or I'ma tell them, "Get out what you got to say or get over it." And I'm not talkin bout that fake 'I'm over it' and still be talkin bout it to everyone. For real, forgive. We are worship leaders. If we can't enter into His presence, how can we expect everyone else to go there?

The Bible says Matthew 18:15:

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.

Then later in that same chapter:

21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.


But other than that, it was awesome. I love the songs! I'm feeling more confident in being a soprano. I told Nicole I blamed her for being in the soprano section. She said, "If you're gonna blame me, blame Jesus too." Grrrr Cole. How do you come back at that? Good one. You got me kid.

Our first time leading worship is gonna be next Friday at 7pm. Come on down to Greenwood Christian Center if you're in the area.

So I was facebooking, which led to myspace and it led me here.

I was lookin at this dude's myspace page and stumbled across his favorite movies.

Scarface, Boyz N Da Hood, State Property I &; II, The Mack, The Notebook, Bad Boys II, South Central, Friday, Above the Rim, I cant remember them all, I gets high homie.

So funny! I'm not saying dudes shouldn't like The Notebook. I think its the greatest movie ever. And some dudes are in denial about the movie *ahem*. Just kinda seemed outta place here. Caught me a lil off guard.

Quit trespassin'

The conclusion to our conference was just awesome as was expected. It's all about finding out your purpose. What God created you to do. How do you do that? What are your gifts, your passions? That's where you'll find ur purpose and your area of leadership. I'm definitely getting the CD's. Dr. Munroe breaks it down like none other.

Dr. Munroe is so funny. But just like the best comedians, all they're doing is telling the truth. People are just plain funny. And boy was he putting it all out there. Probably hurt some folks feelings. He confirmed so many things for a lot of us. Cole actually cried and she don't cry. She mists. The water just sits on her eyelashes.

She don't sweat either, she glows. How'd you manage to do that, Cole?

Tonight I have practice with the worship team The Experience. I pray it goes well because I think I caught the Allergies from somebody. Probably Larry. I lived with him for too long. I say caught because I've never had allergies before. Very wierd. I don't like em. With that said, I don't know how I'ma sound.

Last night I didn't work with the kids because I didn't wanna be sneezing and blowing my nose all over them.

I tried singing in praise and worship but thats different. Worship is for no one else..Well, I guess I'll just sing to the Lord in practice. My friend heard me singin in praise and worship for the first time and she was like, "You have a powerful voice. Don't be afraid to use it." I said I'll only use it to praise. Most people don't know I sing because I don't sing all the time. And even then I don't be singing for real. I haven't sang seriously in years. I had no reason to sing. But I'm excited about this. I found my spot!

Kita luv da kids

So for the most part during the conference I've been working with the babies. I've had a good time. I used to say I don't like no kids but my own. I don't have any kids.

But kids seem to really like me. I don't know why. Lately, they've been gravitating towards me like I was a fruit roll up or something. I worked with the babies. They are extra cute. The greatest thing about them is that they fall asleep or start falling asleep by 8 or 8:30pm. YES! And they don't talk or ask too many questions or gossip or...well y'all know where I'm goin. All they wanna do is eat, sleep and laugh and that's cool.

But they're still leeches. I've concluded that mostly all children are leeches. Myself included. I would sit there, minding my own business, eating MY food and here comes a 2 year old with her hand out. She had her snack already. But she wants mine. I can fix my neice the exact same thing as I have but somehow mine is gonna taste better, right? Gotta love em. Little leeches.

All you can hope for is that one day when they get their own, they'll give some back to you.

They have the most amazing way of distracting you from ur own problems. Everything in the world disapears except for that child. And to watch them sleep is so awesome. I wish I could still sleep like that.

So I'm excited to do some more things with the children's ministry. One of my friends said I should open a daycare. I was like yeah right. That's not going down.

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Before I go I must comment on the horrible song writers of this age. It's just terrible. It's all about the beats and the voice. Horrible. I can't get with it. You might as well come out with the instrumental and just sing "ooh ooh" because the words don't make sense anyway. I'm done. Love you people.

2 weeks

WELL, that was much easier than I expected. I put in my two weeks at my day job today. And they were happy for me! Look at God. Perhaps they knew that this wasn't the place for me as much as I knew it wasn't. CLEARLY.

My personality is kinda transparent. Usually if I don't like something or I'm feeling a certain way, you can tell.

I recieved a promotion at my other job with higher pay. Amen! They told me I didn't have to take two weeks because this is an opportunity for me. That's awesome.

I honestly think it was gonna be them or me. Good thing I quit before I was fired. I'm glad it was me this time.

Oh yes but I can see the divine timing in this. I didn't do it too early or stay too long. Praise God.

How long does it take for pics to get developed from Wal- Mart? Oh it don't matter, I won't be able to get them till Saturday anyway. I've been going straight from work-home-church-home all week. At least I know that they will be done by then.

Encore

Since I wrote early and my brain is working overtime these days, I have more to talk about.

I did my facebook stalking for the day, changed the profile, wrote on everyone's wall and updated the status. Now down to business.

This week I haven't been getting to bed before midnight. Dr. Munroe said the Anointing will keep you up at night. That explains things...

Last night's reason was because after church I was caught up in the parking lot talkin to my girl DeOrlean. We be acting like we don't ever wanna leave the church, I promise you! I love these times. I'm a big fan of deep conversations.

We were just talking about how this conference we're having at church is just confirming all the things God has been telling us. We talked about hearing the voice of God and what its like. For me, there have been times where I know clear as day that was God and then there are times that I wasn't so sure. But lately God has been speaking clearly and I have to obey or its just wrong. But that's what I asked for. I said Lord I need to hear you clearly, where there's no doubt that its you. It's a process though.

Milyaka went to New York this weekend and brought me this beautiful green bracelet! Thanks sis! And she dropped it off to me at church last night. Now she has this thing about me saying I have two best friends. At times she can be a bit possessive, only of me though. I say Tiff is my best friend too. So I was introducing her to my P-12 sister and before I can introduce her, she interjects saying,"I'm Milyaka. Her BEST FRIEND, even though I'm SECOND."

I rolled my eyes and I pulled her to the side. I was like I'm glad we're in the house of the Lord. *Ahem* I know you say you're joking, but everytime you say that it shows through as insecurity. There's no reason to be insecure, no one can take your spot. That's what this conference is about: knowing your spot is yours and it was made for you. No one else can be Milyaka. No one else can take your spot in my heart. Plus I'm glad I read that verse in Ephesians 5:4 about coarse joking.

She finally got it! Thank you Jesus! And because it was all said out of love. In everything we must act out of love. And a person who is in Christ will accept a rebuke or correction in love.

And as for the title of Best Friend, its just a title. Titles mean nothing. They don't give any authority. They only explain to the outside what can't really be explained. She's honestly my family. Her and Tiff. Cole too. I feel a kinship with them all, that's completely different from one to the the next. Because we connect on a spiritual level.

There's no competition when you know no one can take your place. I love that. I know I'm irreplaceable. So are you.

Not for the people

So it seems I may have some fans who I have no idea about. I know there are people who read my blog often even though I don't know who they are. Nicole was telling me yesterday, she loves my page. I greatly appreciate her love. Plus she loves reading about herself. But Cole is an awesome person, I can't help but write about her.

Well if you're in my life there will come a time you'll be mentioned. And if you aren't, well I don't know what to tell ya. Be more interesting. No, I'm kidding!

She was saying I had that Royal Tannebaum's sense of humor. I've never seen that movie, but I'm assuming its like most Ben Stiller movies. Not everybody will get it, but those who do love it.

Speaking of Cole, I always say this, she's an excellent confidence booster. If she likes something about you, she will make you feel like its the greatest thing on earth. Blame her if you think I get too conceited. And God, because the Bible said I am fearfully and wonderfully made and His works are wonderful (Psalm 139:14).

I just found out what the gift of exhortation is.

Exhortation. The extraordinary ability to counsel, inspire, motivate, encourage, and strengthen others in and through their efforts to live out God's will and calling as Christians in pain or pleasure, want or plenty.

I believe that is Cole's gift. No wonder she has fan clubs. People love to hear good things about themselves. It's not her only gift of course. So this is for you Cole.

Transitions, transitions

This is such an interesting time. Everytime I think I know myself, I learn something new. That of course is because everyday I'm growing and changing. But the more I get to know myself the more I like me. Yes its all about me, myself, I because this is MY blog. But first and foremost its about God. And since I was created in the image of God the more I like myself, the more I like Him. Amen? Amen.

Since it is September 11, I shall take this day to say Happy Birthday to my Auntie Kate. She'll never read this, but I still wanna do that. Also, I was recapping where I was on the infamous day in 2001 to my co-workers this morning.

As a freshman at Hampton University, I remember exactly what I was doing that day. I had just returned from my 8 am gym class and I was about to take my shower. I turned on my lil 13 inch television to see the smoke coming from those two buildings. The thing that shocked me most was that all they kept showing was those planes going straight into those buildings over and over and over again. It was like my eyes zoomed into that tiny TV. I remember being able to see people jumping from the building and I couldn't believe they were showing this on TV.

Being in VA, there were some students who lost their parents, friends and relatives. I didn't have anyone in either of those places. But this day was a sign of the times for me. I felt compelled to tell my newfound friends that this is not a joke. The end times are near. I'm walking on campus crying, telling them they need to be saved. I was like,"I just met you guys, I don't want to lose you." I think they sorta patted me on the back, trying to comfort me. But it wasn't about the tears, I wish I hadn't cried at all, it was about what I was saying. Jesus is coming back real soon. It's about your souls.

I think that's one thing my friends remember about me freshman year. I was on fire when I came to school. Over the years, I fell off, backslid, did a lotta things I shouldn't have. All of it was stuff I thought I wanted to do. And not to glorify sin or anything but I had a really good time. But it didn't last and my sad times took me to a place I don't ever want to be again. Thank God, once again, I didn't die in my sin. Ain't no coming back from that. So today, I wish I had been a better example. But you can only lead people as far as you've gone.

And I was mad young, only a baby in Christ with babe-like enthusiasm. Oh boy, I was about to go real deep in this...... but I'ma stop. For now. I had planned to lay out my testimony on here one day. The real story. Where I reached my turning point and everything. I just haven't done it yet. Still not hiding it, if you ask I'll tell.

But I finally feel like I'm getting an education.

It's gettin tight up in here

Well I'll say this if there was anything I wanted to hide, I learn to hide it well. That goes for facebook, internet or anything else. I don't think of myself as hiding things, I just don't volunteer too much information. If you ask, I won't lie.... because I'm not good at it.

So this may seem like I'm switching subjects but I'm not really. Stay with me, it'll connect. Last week's daily Bible reading for those of you who have the One year Bible was in Job. I was watching Fred K. Price and he said something I'd never heard about Job.

When people would talk about Job they would say how he was tested and never cursed God through it all. Everything was taken from him, yet he still he endured and in the end he was restored.

Dr. Price said that Job let the devil do all that stuff to him. Through his confessions of his fears (Job 3:25) the devil knew he could do what he wanted to Job.

25 What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.

He grumbled and complained and took all the blame. What have I done to deserve this? Why is God doing this to me? God you are soveriegn so I will accept all that happens to me.

No, that wasn't God doing that to him. God said what you allow to happen, I will allow to happen ( Matt 16:19). He gave us (his children) authority over the Earth.

Dr. Price then went on to say that Job should have taken his rightful authority over the devil. You don't have to let the devil do anything in your life. He will bring tragedy into your life if you let him. And sometimes by doing nothing you let him rule. He doesn't have the power, you do. Not until Job repented was he restored.

How do know what to confess and what to keep? Well the Bible says confess your sins to one another so that you can be healed (James 5:16) but fear is not of God 2 Tim 1:17. The only one you should fear is God. And when the Bible says fear in reference in respect to God it doesn't mean be scared of, although you probably should...It means to humble yourself in the ultimate respect for God or to be in awe of God.

So, how does this relate to me? Well, I hate conflict. If there's anyway to avoid it, I will try. Even if that means hurting myself. So in a way that was a 'fear' of mine. But seems that these days conflict is coming from every which way. I used to combat it through avoidance, shutting up when I should speak, taking all the blame. How do I do it now? By taking a deep breath, looking at my circumstances and taking it head on before it comes at me in a crunk way.

When I was in my rebellion against God, I ignored all signs of trouble even though I could see it, so I ended up swimming in it. I would say I'm going with the flow, but Satan was controlling the flow. Now because of that, its harder for me to see the trouble coming, but I'm getting better at it. Soon my senses will be so sharp, I can see it coming without having to put my foot in it.

I can see my growth in this area. When I used to get into conflict with people I used to have to talk about it with everyone. I had to get their opinion and to make sure they agreed with me. In the end I was more upset than when I began. Now, I know why the conflict came, I'm confident in my point of view and there's no need to discuss it with everyone, only God.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 1 Cor. 13:11

When I was a child in Christ, I did childish things. Now I'm growing up and putting those things behind me.

Can I wear boots now?

My mind is going in a couple different directions today. By now everyone is aware of the new facebook feeds. It has taken stalking to a whole nother level. However, I don't feel like they're invading my business or putting it out there on the street. Whatever is in those feeds is stuff I've already put out there for everyone to see. So stalk away people! I mean I already have a blog where I tell most of my business anyway.

Plus being a closet facebook stalker myself, its just made easier for me. It's still kinda wierd though, they giving me info that I didn't even ask for. Kinda takes the fun out of searching for stuff.

I'm anticipating practicing with the worship team next week. I haven't seriously listened for parts or harmonized in a very long time. Me and Cole sing, but mostly we play around. I love music so much. We were talking about being the female Neptunes. We sing and dance where ever we go. It never fails. Someone starts singin, next someone's making a beat.And we don't half step. We go all out. If you saw us in the mall, you'd be in for some entertainment.

I've been a fan of this site called pandora.com. You can put an artist or song in and they suggest songs like that song or artist. Well I put in Donny Hathaway and oh boy. I was so surprised at all the songs I know. I feel so old. My parents musta been playing this stuff while I was in the womb. It's so funny listening to Donny live and hearing ladies screaming in the background.

I must point this out though, that most great singers started out in the church. Under the anointing is where the gift flows. Donny started singing at 3 years old! And killed himself 30 years later. It's so sad. Don't allow the devil to take you out. Some people continue to flourish outside of the church but its short-lived. What do you have when people stop listening to you? If you sing to the Lord, you always have an audience.

I can't listen to secular music only. I feel empty after a while. When we listen to worship music or sing praise, the Bible says God inhabits our praise. He sits in on our praise. If you want God in your life, sing praise.

It's that season

I've been having mad prophetic dreams lately. I'm getting excited. The crazy thing is they've been recurring dreams for the past 6 months, but they're getting better and stronger each time.

I would put it all out there, but I don't think I should talk so much about these things. I may have been talking way too much. Most folks ain't ready to hear all that I'm hearing. But don't doubt, I'm so excited. God is REAL!

This is a good day. SHOUTOUT TO TIFF TIFF!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE OTHER HALF OF MY BRAIN! YA DITKITKIKIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!

PLUS Milyaka is coming today!!! I haven't seen her in....its been too long. I'm so excited to see her!!!!! (Too many exclaimations?)

THEN, its Wednesday! Church tonight! I love my church dude. It's not a game.

That's life

I went to my grand-parent's 50th anniversary thing this weekend. It was great. I had a really good time. Getting reconnected with my aunts, uncles and lil cousins, there's nothing like it. One of my lil cousin's told me that me and sister just left them. We used to visit all the time and then we just stopped. When my parent's got divorced we moved to Illinois then OK and didn't visit Memphis that much because my dad didn't have it together. And that was like 10 years ago. That's what divorce does. But anyway, now all the boys are tall, really tall and all the girls are lil divas. We had fun. And yeah, my speech on behalf of the grandchildren when well. I don't remember what I said, I improvised. Made my sister cry though.

These days, I have to say I feel really good. I find myself smiling for no reason. God's plan is becoming clearer and clearer. Next is the time of making decisions. Some are already being made for me. Some I will have to make. It's cool.


I tried out for the worship team for our college ministry BIO(Bring it on) called The Experience. I made it. Yay me! The kicker is they want me to sing soprano. I'm an alto. I've always been an alto and at times a tenor. Soprano? Are you kidding me? I guess its time for me to stretch. I have been pretty lazy. Picking the lowest note I could find. Sitting pretty in my range. This oughta be interesting. Cole's pretty happy though. She's a natural soprano. When he asked what part I sing, she shouted out, "Soprano!". I was like, "Nuh unh, alto, second alto, tenor. Thank you." They just pullin me out of my comfort zone.