Been a long time since I seen you

Let's start with this: God cannot change your desires. Not because he doesn't have the power but because he gave us free will. You have to take a step towards him first and he will help you along the way. Why? Because it means more to Him when you make the choice to come to Him rather than being forced to do so. I hope you are continuing your fast and I pray for your strength. Even though I know I cannot help you, I hope you find someone who can.


I've finally got my own flat iron! I've been mooching off my friends for so long and now I got my own. Feels good. I don't suffer from the 'fluffies' anymore. I know how much Adrianne hated my fluffy hair, its much better now homie.

Speaking of Adrianne, I forgot to include her in my best friends post. She is not to be forgotten. She is a great friend. One who fed me when I had no food and never let me go out looking crazy. She never hestitates to give you anything you need and puts most people before herself. My bunny! Even though I sometimes wanna stomp her down because she's too grown for her own good, I still love her.

I think me and my sister are making progress in our relationship. That's a good feeling.

I'm trying to ween myself off of secular music. All I listen to are old and new love songs and that is making me depressed. I know its gonna be hard, but I'm getting there.

Peace be with you

Tiff gave me this verse today:

For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. Colossians1:9

And I'm keeping this one with me:

Not that I have already obtained this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself taking hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 3:12-14

I'm pressin on y'all. It ain't easy.

You can't win and you can't get out of the game

So. I went to my father's 47th birthday party. Didn't wanna be there in the first place but you could see the happiness in his eyes once I got there. It was disgusting. His outfit woulda been almost tasteful if it had not been for all the ghetto gold he had on.

My sister and her friends had been there for awhile. I'd asked Milyaka's roomate and now my friend Sarah to give me a ride there since she was going that way for one reason. If I had to be alone with my father for more than 15 mins I would have been forced to go off on him. At least I was thoughtful enough not to ruin his party....

Boy was this club a hole in the wall. And they played some of the worst music I've ever heard in my life. It was just ridiculous! Just to give u a taste of the lyrics one of the songs said, "You ain't the only one I'm giving some". Then there was a version of Twist and Shout that went something like this, "Come on homies, grab your shorty and do it like this." I think I heard Johnny Taylors' Down Home Blues more than I've ever wanted to. But when they played Marvin Gayes' Distant Lover, oh boy was I in heaven.

I love to watch people, especially at clubs and stuff. Oooh this one dude had to be at least 60 got out the dance floor and started doing these James Brown moves. Best part of the night!

This guy told me his name was "Uncle Danny" then proceeded to molest my sister while asking her to dance. Did he not realize if he was my "uncle" he was hers too? Then my dad seeing that everyone had danced but me asked me to dance with him even though I had turned him down numerous times before. This is the kicker, he asked me to dance to "Bump and Grind"! I looked at him in disbelief and said, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Then I turned to my sister's friend and said,"Did my FATHER just ask me to dance to BUMP AND GRIND? Is he trying to screw me up for LIFE?!!" I'll give him this benefit, he probably just wanted to two-step or something but that is way beyond traumitizing.

Then they had the nerve to have an after-party! At another club which was actually a house someone had turned into a club. A skinny old guy from the party said, "Who's house IS this?"

My father threw me off for a second. He asked me if I had any money in my pocket. I thought he was about to ask me for some money. I'm like, NO, which was also true. My father actually gave me 20 bucks which I took because who knows when he'll give me any other money?

The deal breaker came when he was talking to my sister's friends about his upcoming wedding. I'm glad he wasn't talking to me because that woulda sent me over the edge. I had to ask them to repeat that for me. I'm not going to that crap! This is 3rd wedding! Better chalk it up and go to the justice of the peace!

Now I had to wash my hair because it smelled like a chimney. He coulda kept that. I'm not glad I went.

Where's the Beef?

Congratulations sister on your promotion! Now you can take me shopping!!

Today is my father's birthday party thing. I don't want to go for several reasons. 1) I don't want to go some whack OK club or club period 2) I don't want to give him the false impression that everything is cool between us 3) I don't wanna get into a public fight.

My sister made me call him on 3-way yesterday. He found out that I was in Norman which is close to OK City and volunteered to pick me up. I cringed and said,'Nah that's aight.'

I guess my sister is buying him some clothes or shoes for him birthday. He asks,'Hey, now what kind of shoes are you trying to get?' I say,'Don't worry about it. Anything would be better than what you would get.' He thought I was kidding. He says,'What you trying to say? I can't dress?' I say, 'Yes.'

These things come out like that word vomit from Mean Girls. I just can't hold in the rudeness. Plus anything he does right now irritates me. I have to remind myself that he is my father and I love him. Its getting really hard because I'm bitter and angry. Praying about it as we speak.

Eat the cake Anna Mae!

So yeah I decided to break my last post into two because I had more to say about my best friend. She is one of the most amazing people I know. I think I owe most if not all of my self esteem to her. She never hestistates to tell me I'm the greatest person on Earth. I feel the same way about her. Because I've known her for almost 9 years, I know the good things and the bad things and I love her just the same.

I wanted to talk about my best friends. Milyaka, Tiffani and I even include Chris in this because he knew me in different way than they will ever know me because....... he is a guy. On a man-woman level.

I have always thanked God for Milyaka and Tiff because they keep me sane. Milyaka and I are totally different, but we've always understood each other because God has made it so that the same events have happened in our lives to keep us connected. She knows me and accepts who I am fully. But me and Tiff, we are just alike. We think the same, we say the same things. We still joke that we share a brain. People used to trip that we didn't even have to talk sometimes to communicate. She also accepts who I am fully.

From Milyaka I have learned sensitivity, tolerance and love. From Tiffani I have learned strength, honesty and openness, letting people know when they get on your nerves. From Chris I learned about boundaries, demanding respect, making Godly decisions and openness, letting people know when you care. I feel bad that most of the stuff I learned from him comes from negative things that I have had to turn into positive things.

The main criticism I get is that I don't correct things once I'm told about them. I think its mostly because of my bad memory. That's why I say charge it to my head and not my heart. Honestly I don't mean to do things again and again, but it happens. God has been teaching me some of the same lessons for years now. How could I expect it to be different with people?

Through this week I've learned that God had to take me out of VA to show me what was really going on in my life. Thank God I was able to listen this time. God took Milyaka out of the loop so that I could get closer to Tiff. God took Chris out of the loop so I could get closer to HIM. It's all about sacrifice for the greater glory. Amen.

I wrote something for my best friends.

Dynamic soul, truly individual
Words of wisdom you've often spoken
A hard head keeps you bound
Hot temper leads you where you don't want to be
Admired and held on a pedestal by most outsiders
And even those closest to you
We have a bond no one can break or match
Cherished sisterhood and souls that understand one another
Speaking a language unknown to others
People watch us with envy
As if they peer through a window watching us laugh
Wishing to be apart of our joy
I know the puzzle that is you
Because it is also me
God knew I would need you
He made it so that we would meet.

Here we go...climbing the stairway to Heaven

::edit::

Yesterday, Milyaka finally talked about everything. I knew it was going to come out soon, it was bound to happen. We talked about the last few blogs I wrote with her in it. She didn't like her portrayal, but that's the way I felt. I almost had to pull it out of her to get her to explain why she was acting the way she was. She actually asked me WHY I was her friend. She was upset about us not being able to spend any time together while I was here and when she would ask me to do something I was already doing something with one of her other friends. She felt that if I'd made any plans with anyone else I should drop them if she came up with something for us to do. I told her I didn't want her to stop her life just because I was here and if she couldn't be around that I would find something else to do. Her friends started to call me and present me with plans so I just was like,"OK, sure". She actually revealed to me that years ago one of her other close friends said I don't know why y'all are friends. And that made her question our friendship in turn because she was already thinking it. But people would say that all the time because we are so different.

When it comes down to it, she told me she knows that she is a high maintainence friend and I'm such a low maintainence friend that she's afraid I'll get sick of her and stop being there for her. Now this is where it hurts. I'm a late reactor so it didn't hit me right then. But as I thought about it, knowing that she's best friend I've got and her doubting our friendship.....It hit me at my core. By my mannerisms, people often think I feel less than I do. I thought after knowing me for eight years, Milyaka just knew I never felt any different. I was completely wrong. As I often am. But there is no way, NO WAY, I would ever give up on her. Because I don't give up on people I love. EVER.

We also talked about those times she keeps referring to in VA. Because everytime she came we had to re-evaluate our friendship. And she felt she had not seen the change in me since we'd talked about these things for years. Now I must say this is not the first time I'd heard this criticism. I heard it repeatedly from Chris. In my defense, I feel like I am not the only one that needs to change. I told Milyaka that I promised to work on it, but if you do the same things over and over again you're gonna get the same reaction. And things do take time. If there is one thing I am, its open to criticism and self improvement. It takes me minute to get it, but I don't do it on purpose. I say charge it to my head and not my heart because I don't mean to offend.

While talking to Milyaka, I saw sooo many similarities between her and Chris. Like its almost amazing how many things they do the same. In fact, she now loves him because she feels like they are the same person. Which is why I felt like I knew a lot about him when I met him. But the differences are that Milyaka is willing to accept criticism about herself and try to change, she will never give up on me, she understands me and she has patience with me. All that because she loves me. Plus she has the conviction of God. Even if I don't tell her when she's wrong, she knows because God lets her know. I knew exactly when Chris gave up on me and never let me back in. I can't say I blame him. I made it really hard. But the biggest thing is that he did not love me therefore he did not have patience with me. It's just the truth and something I have accepted that.

We talked up until 7am! Catching up, talking about old stuff. I knew that was going to have to happen. We even talked about last year when we didn't talk much. I was going through some spiritual battles and she couldn't watch me go through that. I was putting myself through devastation. Thats hard to see when you know where someone came from and what they are capable of. I may not outwardly express myself like others can, but I hurt and love just as deeply if not more than most. I still believe that side is not to be seen by all, but is still important to show that side to people who are important to me.

Tell me something I don't know.....really I'd like to know

So Milyaka keeps mentioning her trips to VA comparing it to this one. I honestly didn't know it was as horrible as she's making it sound. She could be over dramatizing it and she probably is but it still sucks. The first time, I couldn't stop my life in school just as she can't stop her life now and I don't expect her to. And the second time she came was because I was in crisis. Just like a best friend would she actually got on a plane and came to my rescue. The only thing was with me going through something the last thing I wanted was to be stuck in the house. I think she just wanted to sit there and catch up but I wanted to get my my mind off whatever had happened to me. Everywhere I went I asked if she wanted to go. If you say you don't want to go, don't be mad when you don't go. That's our main issue. But that's still my homie till the end. I can't wait till we can stop talking about the past and get to having fun. She's just not used to having me here, so she's hugging me every five mins. I'm not too keen on PDA people. Plus its so funny because she's talked about me so much that when I meet new people its like,"THIS IS MY BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!" And its flattering but I feel like she's announcing me like I'ma superstar and then people look at me like'........So this is it? She's not that special.......' So I just feel like I have to live up to that.



On a totally different note, I'm watching The Notebook. Last night I saw Pride and Prejudice. The characteristic on spotlight is : PERSISTANCE. I was talking to Tiff about how our generation has a lack of tolerance for anything that takes time. If it doesn't happen quickly or when we want it to we give up or move on to something else. Sometimes it takes months or years for things to manifest and we hardly have the patience to wait for results. Perhaps the characteristic is : PATIENCE. We talked about that in Bible Study too. That we expect quick results from God when his time is not our time. What may be a day to us is just a second to Him. I just feel that if you feel like something is worth it, you don't give up. At least not until you know its not meant to be. It's all the more rewarding when you see it come to fruition.

It's not about YOU

Basically all I've been doing today is a lotta repetitive things. Meticulously fixing my Xuqa and facebook profiles, I watched The Best Man twice, washed the dishes, running some errands and not much else.

Been thinking about something lately. Tiffani's friend who I talked to a couple times on the phone. I didn't know he read my page therefore I never censored myself. If I'd known I might have possibly said the same thing but in a different way. I've been told I was rude for saying I was not interested in him. While its still the truth, I'd like to clarify. Nothing against him personally, I'm not interested in anyone. I did enjoy our conversations, but I thought it was clear we were only to be friends.....I do apologize if it came across that way. I just wrote it the way it came out. He probably really thinks what Tiffani has said about me is true now. However, I have not taken the time to call because 1) everytime I think about it, its too late to call 2) nothing to talk about 3) don't really feel like talking on the phone. I don't know if that makes it any better but that's the way it is. I do feel bad though.

Milyaka has felt the need to send her friends to baby-sit me. I feel insulted. I don't need a baby-sitter. I don't need to be entertained. Usually I find something to do, Ima loner anyway. I'm used to it. And I'm easily amused. Plus her friend has left her laptop over here for the better part of the week so I'm really good. I'm a grown woman dog. I guess I can appreciate her effort.

Tomorrow, I plan to go to a career fair with Milyaka's roomate. Funny how I hated them at Hampton. I'll just see what they have to offer. Nothing to lose right?

I wonder if talk show hosts like Oprah and Montel ever get tired of talking. It's always hard to understand something you're not. I get tired of talking all the time. Sometimes there's nothing better than the sounds of silence.

You make it hard for women like me.....

I had a super fun day! Even though I got a late start in the day, I was still running off the high from yesterday.I joined that thing called Xuqa. I have no idea why. Its just one more thing to look at on the internet.

When Milyaka got home from class her friends Shannon, Ashley and Tiffany came over and we started discussing the pageant Shannon is in next week. She's so expressive, I'm sure she will do well. She plans to take it all, no second place for Shannon. Then we all went to this vintage store to look for a costume for her talent portion. She's doing Miss Celie's Blues from The Color Purple. I had to comment that my friend Adrianne did the same song for the Miss Hampton pageant and warned her to be careful that her feather boa doesn't get in the way of her mic. And I must also mention that Adrianne was severely cheated in that pageant. She did so well.

Anyway, the vintage store was really cool but too expensive for my budget. Me being the go with the flow type of gal I am, I just went with the flow that led to this gospel music class that Shannon was trying to get into and that Ashley was already apart of. Oh it was sooo much fun! We had to make up new variation of a song. Make it our own. My group did 'This little light of mine'. By far the best song of the class. Then we sang a few more songs and I was singled out to ad lib a lil of the song. It wasn't the best but it felt good. I almost went into worship! But Milyaka's friend Ashley! She looks like a Black version of Reese Witherspoon. Although fair skinned, still Black. She has an amazing voice.

Shannon and I bonded throughout this experience, exchanged phone numbers and everything. Then the cherry on the dessert is that I went to see Pride and Prejudice with Milyaka's roomate Sarah. Oh this movie was sooo beautiful. It was awesome. This day has made me use words that I don't even use like "super-fun" and "awesome". Even though I didn't get to spend that much time with Milyaka, I really like her friends. That was one of my fears about coming back here, not liking her friends. They are all so expressive and they are all so helpful towards one another, but they know where to draw boundaries. I had a great time today. I think what made this day so good for me is because I haven't this good a time since I was back in VA.

The opposite of love is selfishness

The more I am in OK, the more I see the reason I was meant to be here. The first week, I was sulking, the second week I was numb now comes acceptance. I'm glad to be down here with some people my own age who are also seeking God. I realize I had to get away from some influences in VA. Not that my friends aren't great. God knows I love my friends. I just tend to want to do things I shouldn't when I am with them. Before I left VA I did some things that were definitely not Godly. And to be totally honest I don't really regret them, but I know that I am ten times happier and better off when I am in God's will. And in no way is it my friends' fault when I sin because it is a decision. You make a choice to sin. God gives us free will to decide whether we want to be His or the enemy's. I've made the wrong choice plenty of times.

This was brought to my attention because I attended the Bible study led by my best friend and it really just feels good to talk about the Word. I've known for years now that the place I am most happy is in the Church. For years I have chosen to do what I want to do and not always what I should do. I just hope that when God has spoken to people through me that those messages have not been lost because of things I have done. I remember speaking some real truth to people and those things are still true, but because they have seen me sin that may have been lost.

In no way do I claim to be perfect. And sometimes I don't even try to do right. But I know that I am supposed to be a powerful woman of God and the Devil has put people in my way to deter me from my destiny. I am still growing and Christ and I have to learn to make the right decisions. I also now understand its so much harder when there is no one to back you up or encourage you.

And although it gets harder to believe God forgives me everytime, its even harder for me to forgive myself. But I take all responsibility for my actions and I know its all apart of my testimony in the end.

Ima trackstar, cus I be runnin ni**as OVA!

So yeah....now I'm in Norman with Milyaka doing the same thing I was doing in Tulsa. Much of nothing but I still get to be around people my own age and possibly get out of the house.

Yesterday before I left I went to a kids' birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. Let me tell you! My neice gave such DIVA attitude! In the toddler corner they have lil stuff for the smaller kids. We put her on the slide and when it was time for some other kids to have a turn she threw such a fit. Fell out on the floor and everything. SO embarrassing! Then she saw a lil Barney ride where you sit next to Barney and it just goes up and down. She was so happy sittin next to Barney, that's her best friend. When we tried to pick her up she pushed our hands away, shaking her head.

Then she wanted to walk around the place like she owned it with her lil one foot self. Didn't want nobody to hold her hand. She's a mess.

My mom got me to get on this ride, it was like a roller coaster simulator. SO MUCH FUN!

SO, now I'm here. Trying not hit Milyaka over the head. Everything will be aight.

I think up these things in my sleep

So people look at my size and think that I have the secret to staying small or something. More than one person has asked me to be their workout coach. When did I become the person elected to be a drill sergeant? I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how I lost weight. If I had a choice I would be the same size I was when I came to college. Although I don't think anyone I know is the same size they were when they came to college. But people still ask me, "How do I lose weight?" And I say I dunno....I didn't make this happen on purpose. I think I'm just too lazy to gain weight. I rarely like to cook and rarely have money to eat out. Sometimes I find myself zoned out for so long thinking about what I'm going to eat that it gets too late and then I'm too tired to cook. Lately, I've been feeling that I like to be dressed before I eat and depending on when I finally get dressed that's when I eat. Then always of course if I start something I wanna finish so the eating thing gets away from me. It can get pretty late. And there you have it, your weight loss plan. Sounds like I don't eat much but when I do eat, I make it count. You'll never hear about me turning down a meal. A good meal that is. Or a Snickers bar. I want one right now.....

I can't understand you when you mumble.....

Oh boy, this is probably gonna be a quick post. My sister slyly slipped out of the house this morning and told my mother that I would keep the baby without telling me. Not that I mind keeping my neice, I just like to know when I am.
I was peacefully sleeping when my mom said, "Are you watching Araia?"
Still asleep I said, "No."
"Well, Shauna said you were."
"She ain't tell me."

It just irks me when people ask stuff they already know. My mom gone look at the baby and say, "You wanna stay with Auntie?" and I looked at her and said, "You don't have a choice, do you?" Then later on my sister calls and asks, "Is Araia there?" and I said, "Did you leave her here?" Like Araia was just gonna walk out on her own or something.......Goodness! As you can tell I had an attitude because they woke me up. I hate that!

Yesterday, I made the plan that I was getting out of the house. Tired of wearing a white tee, jeans and a ponytail, I got up and did my hair. I even put on some make-up. You gotta make yourself look glamourous sometimes, even if you don't feel it. I took the baby with me to see my cousin at her hair salon. I love my cousin Farah. She's like the big sister I never had. A nice one. We had a conversation like we'd never had before. Almost like we were peers. She was still teaching but I learned more about her. She looked at me when I came in and said, "You're growing up." Lately I look in the mirror and see a different person too. Farah always sees straight through me though. Like to everything I'm hiding. She's the only one that can do that. We always talk about everything I've been thinking about and she tells me exactly what I need to hear. I feel like God uses her to tell me what I need to know because I'm hard headed and she's one person I listen to.

She wants me to be someone like she has to me for her daughter Jahari since Jahari is her oldest child she doesn't have too many young women to look up to. Farah has always told me I remind her of herself and Jahari reminds me of myself. For awhile now I've wondered if Jahari is thinking about some of things I was thinking about when I was her age and would she tell me?
She's what? Fourteen? Which I can't believe either because I can remember when she was a baby. I actually changed her diapers! Given I was like 7 or 8 but I still remember.

I always get these life lessons when I talk to Farah and I still have so many questions. Still learning about how everything works. And her advice was to pray. Pray. So simple and still difficult.

Oh yeah! Milyaka is coming down this weekend and she wants me to come back to Norman with her. I guess I will because I don't have a job right now. Even though I hate Norman, if I don't go now I won't ever get to go. She insists she won't be able to make it if I don't come and promises she'll treat me better than I did when she came to VA. I told her its time to get over that. I'm sure I'll be ok because I'm not a NEEDY friend. It doesn't take much to please me. Well, its not that she's needy, just dramatic. Change that, she is needy but only when it comes to me. I don't know why. Then the icing on the cake is my father's party on Saturday. I wonder what he's gonna be wearing. The horror!!!

So I finally got the baby to take a nap. Maybe now I can fit in a shower? Here's hoping.

This is a public service announcement

Some things I forgot about this place while I was away.

• Hairpins are not safe around my mother. You have to know that hairpins are the foundation of almost every hairstyle I wear. This irks me to no end that there are boxes and boxes of Q-tips in the house and she chooses to use my hairpins. Thats so gross to have ear wax in your hair.
• My sister argues with her boyfriend on the phone everyday and they are LOUD. I look forward to the peace and quiet I get whent they leave for work.
• No one cooks here. They would rather order out than have some real food in the fridge.
• Its freezing cold out here. I can't believe my mom has the thermostat at 68 in 40 degree weather.
• My mother is addicted to Spider solitaire. Its the only thing on the computer she knows how to use. The computer is in my room and I have to kick her out when I want to go to sleep.
• I love my mom's shower. Its like a rainshower. Plus its the warmest place in the whole house.
• My mother's television only has two volumes, barely audible and deafeningly loud.

New discoveries

• My mom believes the baby is psychic.
• I've missed how stupid my sister is, I crack up at her daily.
• I love how we laugh at the baby, even though it is mean, its so FUNNY! Growing up is hard to do. She needs some friends around here, she's started hugging the television. The lil' monster can barely stand up right. The other day she was runnin so fast she ran into the vaccuum cleaner and it knocked her on her butt. She won't actually sit on her lil bike, she only plays with the outside features. She fought my sister and I when we tried to get her on the bike. Doing scissor kicks so she wouldn't have to sit on it.
• I missed the good burger joints around here. As soon as I get some money I'm gettin me a Rubicon potato and a super wet burrito (they're both as big as your head!). That's some good eating.

Not like crazy...

Ever since you kicked me out of your heart and mind there's been no anger in my heart towards you, only sadness. And I shall continue to be sad until you return to me. But I will let you do what you feel you need to do. And if you don't return to me...... it was incredible but it could have been so much better.

Confusion reigns over the world

I recently found out that someone I used to know passed away yesterday. Its truly a sad thing to find out that someone as young as I am gets their life cut so short. Now it seems that all the people on facebook that knew him have taken to putting his picture up on their profile in place of theirs. I honestly didn't realize who he was when I first saw it. Then the picture kept coming up more frequently among the people I actually know on facebook. I started to wonder, Did I know him? The more I looked as his picture the more familiar he started to look. Then it made me sad that I couldn't place him. I even called Milyaka to see if she knew him. She in fact did know him and supposedly so did I. This is the thing that bothers me, I start to wonder if all of the people that have been putting his picture on their profile knew him. I know that some people just jump on the bandwagon to be included. Its always sad to have lost a classmate or a peer, but I can't stand when people exploit it. I can't even pretend I knew him. I don't remember. Pray for my memory people. I don't know where my mind has gone. I don't remember too much about high school period. But I will pray for his close friends. I know if I lost one of my close friends I'd just about go crazy. I'm going crazy being this far from them right now. Please appreciate those who love you. You just never know. That being said, it is officially my father's birthday. I'll give him a call.......

All babies lie

It was interesting MLK holiday. I watched the Boondocks last night which set me up for the day. The setup was that Martin Luther King, Jr. didn't die the day he was shot in Memphis, but lapsed into a coma and woke up in 2000. Although there were some really blasphemous parts, it made you laugh and think about would he be happy at all with what we as African Americans are doing with our freedoms he and so many others fought for us to have.

I actually saw the original versions of one of my favorite movies Imitation of Life. It was originally made in 1934 and its the story of two mothers, one black, one white and their daughters. The black mothers daughter just so happens to look white and spends her whole trying to pass for white and disowning her mother. In the early version the black daughter was actually played by a black actress named Fredi Washington who actually dealt with the trials of looking white but never being able to be white. The better version of the story is the later one in 1959. The acting was wonderful. 3 out of 4 of the actresses were nominated for an Academy award. But in this version a white girl played the part of the daughter passing for white. It breaks your heart every time because all the mother wants to do is love her daughter, but all her daughter wants is to be rid of her mother. The link to her black side. The mother dies of a broken heart and her daughter returns when it too late to say, "I'm sorry mama".

Watching the movie just reminded me how much I love old movies. The acting was so passionate! It's probably where I get my flair for drama. Most of it would probably be called over acting these days, but its so much fun to watch.

I asked my mom how she thought the daughter lived with her mom being dead. Now that she has no one to tell people she's black. My mom told me her best friend who is mixed has a sister who passes for white to this day. This movie has my mind going in so many directions. Looking at my blue-eyed neice who doesn't even know what black or white is, I've prayed for her since she was born that people don't tease her about her color. I even have to get on some of my family members about callin her 'White girl'. Whenever I show her picture people are always shocked. We all wonder if she had been a shade darker if her father's side would be in a hurry to claim her. I just want her to be proud of what she is, no matter how she looks. That's a chore in itself.

Hearing that Fredi Washington was a black woman prompted me to look her up. It led me to an article called "The tragic mulatto". It a hit a real chord in me.

You can't see the future

I've decided to invest in the Bobby Valentino album. Finally. Yeah, I don't know what I was waiting for.

I wonder if I can put an Ipod on layaway. That's what's keeping me from getting my workout on. I need some music in my ear so I don't concentrate on the pain I'm about to feel.

WHY doesn't anyone call me anymore? Just because I'm not in VA doesn't mean we can't still have meaningless conversation. I remember the days when my phone used to ring off the hook. Now people have their own personalized ringers and I never hear them. Never give people ringers who don't call. Perhaps if I made more phonecalls in return I would get phonecalls?

I think I shall retreat back to making my lists. I've decided to become anally organized. I would love for everything to have a place and a place for everything. It's my life's dream.

Good morning heartache. Thought we'd said good bye last night.

My new favorite thing: Aol Music. I've found all the songs I love without having to buy the whole album. Well almost all. They don't have too much Musiq Soulchild.

Thanks for the pep talk Tiff. I know where my commitment should be now.

I'm too flawless to be with you people

...........So why am I here?


Tiffani and I have decided to start a band. She will be the drummer and I shall be the lead vocalist. We are putting out an ad for a guitarist (acoustic and electric), a classical pianist, a dj with your own turntables, keyboardist and possibly some back up singers. We'll be playing rocksoulgospelfunkhiphopcountry music. But mostly the blues. The name shall be MiNtf, pronounced me and tiff. Just know that we will be the only ones on the cover of the album so just cut out the drama right now. You can send all requests to yakariendva@aol.com. Believe me you wanna get in on this success early.

All Day I Dream About Sex

This is where I do my self evaluation. As I lay on the couch watching Love and Basketball, I started thinking about how I love the more I watch a movie, the more I become more familiar about the details of it. The songs that play in the background, the rhythm of the dialogue. It becomes like a song. I noticed that I'm more into details in movies and songs than I am in real life.
"She's a ho cus she's sending her coochie through the mail."
Love Jones
"What's the point black man?"
"Have you been listening? I'ma tell you the point. I'ma feed you the point. The point is....look I don't know what the point is."
Two Weeks Notice
"Did you ever tell Bobby you loved him? Did you say, 'Bobby...I love you'?"
When Harry Met Sally
"You're missing the point. I don't think he's ever going to leave her."
"NO ONE thinks he's ever going to leave her."

I just love it.

But also watching the movie and watching the character's dedication to basketball. How she thought about every single move. No wonder I was no good at basketball. I never took it that seriously. What I was good at was the high jump in track. I tell you it was better than sex, drugs and rock and roll. It was like an orgasm in mid air. The biggest high I've ever had. And I would win. If I could find a high jump pole and mat I promise I would be jumping somewhere to this day. Just for fun, not for competition. For the high of it. I quit the track team at Hampton because they told me we would never practice the high jump in practice, only run and lift weights. I hated running.

I also hate commercial interrupted movies. They cut out all the good stuff.

P.S. Why am I so intrigued to see Brokeback Mountain when I couldn't even sit half way through Alexander? I'm so backwards....

You'd run if you saw it too

So I had my lil rugrat today. Babysitting duties begin at the crack of dawn and since I stayed up till 3am watching Sugar Hill, I definitely was not ready. Tried to watch Madagascar with my niece. She wasn't too interested and I was too tired to see it all the way through. Ended up falling asleep towards the end but I think I'll give it a second try. I liked what I did get to see.

Parenting is hard man. I definitely know I am not ready for that yet. She's so cute though. Love her so much. And she's so smart! I know everyone says that about their kids. Perhaps we don't give kids enough credit. They gotta be smarter than we think they are supposed to be if everyone keeps saying 'my kid is so smart'. She knows exactly what she wants and asks for it. I like that.

She's really girly right now. It will be funny to see if she grows up to be a tomboy. She makes everything into a purse by puttin it on her arm. She has this pose where her hand is on the wall and she crosses her legs. Then she does what I call 'the black girl pose' where one leg is straight and the other is bent.

My sister said she needs anger management for babies because out of nowhere she'll just hurl anything she has in her hand at the wall with such force. I know where that comes from. Her dramatic mama.

I tried to give her a new hairstyle today. Something like Eva Pigford from America's Next Top Model. Me and Tiff call it the Waikiki Wave. It didn't work out too well. But it was only a trial run. Next time more mousse.

I came up with my own version of Common and Mary's "Come Close" with her name in it. She loved it. Sang her to sleep and everything. That's how I got to write this blog. Aww sweet babies.

So as you can see. We've had an eventful day. I'm pooped and her mother should be home soon.

Elephants like to be called Patty

Do the titles really matter anyway?


I learned a lil bit about packing today while unpacking my boxes that arrived. I opened it to find that a lot of my stuff was broken. Oh well, chalk it up to experience. Still trying to find out what to do with everything.

I didn't go to the interview this morning. Didn't feel like faking it or getting lost in the process of finding the building.

I talked to my dad today. I've never been that cold to anyone in a long time. I think its the first time I didn't say 'I love you' when I hung up the phone. I got some real praying to do. We're supposed to go to OKC for his birthday party at the end of the month. He's having it at some club. Still tryin to live out his youth at 47.

Got a concept set up for my room. Can't wait to get started.

The internet is my babysitter, I rarely watch TV anymore. I look forward to getting a new hobby.

If I'd made some new year's resolutions some of them would probably be:

To be better at keeping in contact with friends.
Follow through with what I start.
Become more organized.
Work out at some point.
Not to dwell on the past.
Be nicer to males (not too nice tho) and people in general.
Realize my potential.
Become more committed.
Make peace with my feelings about my dad.
Let go.
Set higher goals for myself.
Be more appreciative of my family.
Be less selfish.

I think that's good enough.

Who knew?

Ever since I got up this morning I've been cleaning out the closet in my room. As I lay in my bed trying to get the energy to actually move, I started thinking about what would make this experience better for me. What could I do to stop sulking about leaving my space in Virginia for this one? It came to me. Make this space MY OWN. Since I went to college I felt like nothing here was mine. Everyone was able to kick me out of anywhere I went because it was theirs or I had to share it. But I need something to call mine. So I've begun the renovation in my head. A new color for the walls. A new bed. And get all of these boxes out! No longer will my room be a storage closet. I've gotta be able to breathe.

Also I've found that we are pack rats. There's so much crap around here that no one uses or wears. It's time to get rid of it. I've taken on this challenge myself. Since I don't have a job right now, I can be cleaning out the house. Cleaning up my head. Organizing the house. Organizing my life. Working gives you no time to figure anything out. By the time you get home, you're too tired to do anything productive. Evidence of this is the clutter that is my sister's room. And I remember my room was the same way when I was working. Now that's a shame.

So I've got stuff to do. I'm out.

Yeah so....

I finally got out of the house today. I sure did make the most of it too. Starting mentally spending money I don't have.

My sister has one of the worst off key singing voices I've ever heard. She continues to torture me from the other room.

I keep getting less and less enthusiastic about this interview tomorrow. Well, I wasn't that enthusiastic to begin with. I'm starting not to want to go at all. Even if I got the job, I've already decided not to take it. It's too far to try to get there.

Let's start off right

I had a dream this morning that I was competing to win a date with Jerry O'Connell. I have no idea why because I haven't seen a movie or television show with him in it for a while now. There was like an obstacle course/scavenger hunt. It was just like a table of ingredients and you had to figure out what to make. I know I had that locked because I do that everyday. As long as you have some noodles, cheese and a meat, you're good. Just as I was about to find out the winner, I was interrupted by a phone call from t h e o r y. I think it was me because he gave me the longest hug good bye. What do you think about that?

I got some things I need to do today. Make some phone calls. Tighten my resume. Make copies. I'm trying to learn how to get on the grind. Motivated to keep on striving for more instead staying content at the bottom. Thats a problem. I have job interview tommorow that I don't really want to go to. Its way on the outskirts of town and I don't have a car. But I think I'll go just to sharpen my interview skills.

I had planned to unpack today but I checked my shipping history with UPS and it said it was rescheduled for tommorow. What if I had something planned? Which I do. I don't know what time their coming either and I don't wanna deal with that whole missed delivery business. This was the freaking perfect day.

I still haven't left the house since I got here. I'ma have to steal my mom's car when she gets home. I gotta go to Wal- Mart or something.

OH YEAHH!!!

I'm going to Vegas!! I've never been there. My cousin called me a couple months ago and asked me if I wanted to go to this fashion thing in Vegas. Finally something that involves what I want to do! I'm excited for the first time in a long time! Now you tell me. Is 'fix me up' stamped on my forehead? I mean I don't see it when I look in the mirror. Maybe I'm just getting to that age where everyone is like you need to be with someone. Tiff with her friend, then my cousin tells me that this guy I went to high school told her to tell me he said hi. Even though he's on facebook and could tell me himself. She was talkin him up. How he's grown up so nicely. I said you know we're supposed to get married right? Yup a long time ago in high school, he proposed that we get married when we turn 24. Keeping in touch I see.......I need some distraction right about now.

Perhaps I should just stay focused.......

I was talkin to my buddy Aaron about movies. My friends are making me question my taste in movies. Kiana was saying she wouldn't watch any more movies with me because I made her cry with the last two we saw. Aaron watched Alfie and wouldn't comment because it made him think too hard. And I made Chris watch the Notebook. He loved it even though he's too prideful to admit it. So I take that as a compliment. I love movies with believable actors that make you think. If you cry, good. If you're thinking about for the next couple weeks, great. Thats my point.

One thing I can put on my list

I found a highlight early in the day. ALL of my music I'd had over the years is still on my computer despite my mother and sister breaking it some time ago. So all the memories are floating back as I sit here.

I guess this time change will work in my advantage because I'm up at 9 am all refreshed and I definitely didn't go to bed until 1 am. That's 8 hours. Good enough. Got lots to do today. I better get on it.

My dream this morning disturbed the mess out of me. I won't go into detail, but just know I woke up mad. That's not a good feeling. I should get on tryin to keep a dream journal.....project?

I'm here

Made it to Tulsa. I'm trying to adjust to the thought that I may be here for an undetermined amount of time. I don't know if I'm gonna make it. Pray for me y'all. I feel bad about not wanting to be here with my family. I love em but I just hate it here. My baby doesn't even remember me. It's gonna take some time. All the other people from Tulsa can't wait to get back here. I can't wait to leave. I need my independence. Let that be my motivation.

Highlight: I got to see Tiff today. I had a 2 hour layover in Baltimore and she came and picked me up. We went to eat at Arundel Mills mall. She's still trying to hook me up with her friend. I'm still not interested.I mean not romantically, only as a friend. He's a cool guy, I'm just not there yet. Getting back to the airport was interesting. We decided to ask this cab driver how to get back. She says. "We're going that way if you can keep up." So we're thinking this is great. Then the cab driver proceeds to take off like she just robbed a bank and we were the cops. Zig-zagging through traffic. I think she was at least ten cars ahead of us after the light changed. Thank God we made it back in time. I ended up running through the airport because my plane was already boarding when I got back.


Last night I had my last Sunday dinner in Hampton. Holly made me cry. She hung on a lil too long and the tears started to flow. She promised me a blog every week. I want my blogs too! Lemme find out that my friends a planning a trip to the toy store to buy me a vibrator. Not my idea folks. One of them told me after she got hers she called her man friend and told him she didn't need him anymore. The other one said no man can do that to me in less than ten seconds. I'm open to a new experience, but I like a warm body to accompany that kinda feeling. If it can get me to tolerate staying in Tulsa, I'll take it.

Your prayers are needed

I'm sad y'all. I talked to my mother today and I noticed there was something different in her voice. So I asked her what was wrong. She told me she was worried about my grandmother. Last week she had a massive stroke and she's in the hospital now. I knew she had the stroke but since I haven't seen her I guess it wasn't really real to me. But my mom told me she's not doing too well. I told her not to worry herself. My mom is like me. She doesn't come out with her feelings a lot. It hit me to my core that she's hurting. So pray for my family and my grandmother. I'm glad I'm going home to be with them during this time.

My last night with the gals

Oh boy was it a night! They had a farewell for me at my girl Yanni's house. Mexican night with fajitas and pina coladas. Thats where the fun begins. Reminiscing about old times. Me getting joked on about moving back to Oklahoma.

Kiana: What's in Oklahoma anyway?
Me: Not much......Let's hope I don't have to stay there long.

Yanni taught us the finer points on condom 101. She demonstrated that dudes are always lying when they say they NEED a magnum by putting a regular sized condom on her head. Pictures to come later.

Lemme find out that my friends have professional stripper moves! Ciara's "Oh" will never be the same to me.

And finally, I saw way more of my friends than I'd thought I'd ever see. I think I've been traumatized. But every time I think about it, I start cracking up.

All in all the night can be described as a combination of Sex and the City/ Waiting to Exhale/ BET's Uncut.

Just a lil conversation

I had a conversation with one of Tiffani's friends who she has bullied me into talking to. We had a good conversation. She had already set me up by saying I was mean to guys and don't call me during Girlfriends or he would be in trouble. So basically he was scared to call me and then we got on the phone he was like 'you’re not mean!’ I told him that I can be, but I'm not always mean. This is the thing about the conversation that I am proud of. We just so happened to talk about past relationships and I was able to convey my feelings in a way I never have been able to before. I straight up explained where they went wrong and what I'd learned from all of them.

We talked about one of those reasons being my father. I know its cliché, but a lot of women’s problems come from their fathers. My problem with my father was that he would make promise after promise and never come through, never admit defeat; he would just come up with another promise. Then I would be saying, "Well my Dad said he was gonna do this or that." And it would never happen. So after the 100th time it was like, I'll wait till I see it to believe it. And I believe I've applied that to just about everything someone has said to me.

Then there's thing about me not liking nice guys. This is complicated but I don't like guys who flatter me all the time. Although everybody needs a compliment every now and then, if that’s all I hear it becomes hard to believe and it gets on my nerves. I like someone I can tease, make fun of and they can do the same to me, but then at the end of the day I still know they care about me.

I've only had one guy try to open me up. I'm a people watcher, so I watch what people do before I listen to what they say. Besides, people lie. Usually it’s what they do that determines who they are in my eyes. I was watching him and I was wondering what he wanted from me. All he said was, “I just want you to open up”. And I wonder “Well what’s the catch?” There has to be a catch right? Not necessarily. So while I was in the midst of watching, he went another way and I missed out. He says he thought I wasn’t feeling him when in actuality I was totally enamored. And then I was hurt when he started up with the other girl, but I fronted like it was OK. Even while he was talking to her, we still talked a lot. That confused me. I felt like the logical thing to do would be to erase his number so that the ball would be in his court. He could call me if he wanted to talk, but I would not put myself out there. Which backfired and even though I said we were friends I didn’t have “friendly” feelings for him.

So all my mistakes in the beginning came from me lying to him and myself so that I wouldn’t get hurt and I ended up hurt anyway. The thing with him and the girlfriend only lasted about a week and stupid me, I let him come back. But of course things were different now. There was still this distrust because he left before, it could happen again. I was telling myself “Just see what happens, it probably won’t last.” Negative thinking leads to negativity. Long story short (I know, too late), we continued to talk on and off for months. After a while, he quit trying to know me, but he still hung around. I didn’t care as much just as long as he was there. It was good enough for me to just have him around. I settled for whatever I could get instead of what I deserved.
Near the end our conversation Tiff’s friend says, so you would never consider anything with him now, would you? And I said I wish I could say that, but I see the potential in him and that’s what keeps me holding on. I think it wouldn’t happen because of him, not because of me. I feel he has put me in a box of what he thinks I am and he doesn’t think I will change. What he doesn’t see is that I have changed A LOT because of him. I can tell he has closed himself off to me and he’s not willing to change for me. This whole thing is very significant to me because I realize the other guys I talked to didn't mean as much. Now that its over I know what to do. Is that growth I see?

I admit to the mistakes I’ve made and I made a lot of them. But I can’t wonder what if. There is no way of knowing the future. What would I have done differently? There was no way I was ready to admit my feelings in the beginning. That just would not have happened. I would have never let him come back after he got a girl. You just should not settle for second best ever. I now know that it is important to let people know how you feel. Even when people know you really well, they still are not mind readers. I am very intuitive. I can tell when something is off. I never thought that what ever I was feeling would make a person change anything. I thought that a person would still do whatever they planned to do, no matter how I felt. In most cases I’ve still found that to be true, but at least they know how you feel. Its crazy how a stranger can help you put things together after they’ve been so scattered over time.

Just the way things are

I've noticed that I no longer need to know the answer for everything. Even though the uncertainty of the future still makes me nervous, I don't need to know why something happens or doesn't happens. Is that maturity I smell? Maybe. The other day I was talking to one of my co-workers about the movie Sliding Doors. For those of you who don't know, the movie is basically about the 'what if' factor. What if you had done this instead of that? How would your life be different? I try not to think about those things because I automatically think that the other way would have been better than way things are now. Then I would kick myself for making the wrong decision. That would mean I would regret things. So I don't do that. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. And I do.

Yeah....So no one will buy my computer because its so old and decrepit. I was counting on that cash to help me move. Now I'm thinking about what I might have bought in the last few days that I could return. There is this pair of jeans I just bought.....It's better than nothing.

You tell me why!

Why is this white girl on MADE trying to rap? She looks like she doesn't even like hip hop or the culture! She's completely clueless! As a matter of fact she kinda looks like Alicia Silverstone....

Why is Bow Wow still wearing that grill? Is he trying to look unattractive?

Why is this One Wish song Ray J's big hit? Its the worst thing I've ever heard. I've been a fan for years, now I can't watch anything he does. I used to wanna marry Ray J until that whole Lil' Kim thing. Then I felt like he was tainted. Sorry, but anybody that's been with Lil' Kim is tainted.

Why did I hear that someone really said I was crazy? I started thinking about all the "crazy" things I might have done. Couldn't think of any. If you can think of some let me know. I'm very interested. I'm not saying its not true, just saying bring me some evidence.

Why do I have so much stuff? Everytime I look up its something else I forgot to pack!

Time is winding down

Today was my last official day at work. Nothing but packing to do from now on and I need to finish like tommorow because the new roommate is coming on Friday. I told them to call me if they needed someone, but I really don't care if they don't. I leave Hampton on Monday. Trying to get my last bit of hanging out done with my friends.


I'ma gonna miss my co-workers. I didn't really like my job, but it was somewhere to go and act goofy with some crazy people while getting paid.

Happy Birthday Mommy!

It's my mom's 50th birthday! I just wanna give a shout out to my mama for giving birth to me, supporting me all these years and putting up with my bratty sister for 26 years. Get it mama!

How will I top this one?

This was the most different New Year's I've ever had. Apart from not being in OK, I actually went to a bar and passed out on the couch. I'll just post the highlights of my New Years Eve.

• Going to Wal-Mart and seeing a guy who felt the need to recapture his glory days when he was cool. He was wearing a red leather suit, black shirt and skinny red leather tie WITH (and this is the icing on the cake) a black leather beret. I think he was following us.
• We went to a bar downtown, rushed to get there so we could get in free only to find out that there was only two couples over the age of 50, three guys, the staff and the DJ there. We left after an hour but at least we could say we went out on New Years' eve.
• Came home and watched the South Park marathon, missed the ball drop but toasted with champagne. I know my tolerance has significantly gone down when one glass of champagne can have me passed out.
• I did some drunken IMing which somehow got into a conversation about Magnums. It was so bad I had to get off the computer because I couldn't hold my eyes open anymore. I was lookin at the screen with one eye so I continued the conversation on the phone. It involved me saying, "What are you talking about? You don't even know what you're saying." Which might have been true on their part, but shoot, I ain't know what I saying either.

So that was my New Years'. Welcome 2006! I'm glad to be here to see it. But after this week I'll be starting over in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Let's see how that goes. This being my last week in VA, I plan to go out with a bang!