Sleepy post

This is my late night sleepy post because I'm bored. I decided to cancel the road trip because its cheaper to fly and ship my crap home. Finally got paid so I went grocery shopping and cooked myself a big meal with a big dessert. I finished The Aviator and now am watching As Good As It Gets. Two OCD movies in one night. I hope I'm not affected. If I were perhaps that would cause me to be less lazy. I've got work to do. But its not like I'm gonna get up and do anything right now. I'm thinking about making a phone call. It would just be stupid rambling but that's every conversation I have. If I can just get up off the couch. I seem to get stuck here everytime. No plans for New Years', just like the last 22 years. I really don't care to celebrate to tell you the truth. I'm happy to see a new year come but I don't feel like going anywhere. I'm tired. I missed Sex and the City tonight. Just realized it. OK I'm gone. Good Night all. Happy New Year.

I probably am crazy...

Lately someone has tried to drill into me that I'm crazy. I told him that I must be crazy to deal with him, no normal person could do it. I think he's the one that's crazy and he's made me crazy by association. That has to be it. I believe I was relatively sane before I met him. Of course every woman can be driven to that "Thin Line Between Love & Hate" craziness or have thought about it. I'm definitely not there at all. And if you think I am, you're crazy!

Because I started talking to Tiff about this we came up with different crazy spellings.

Crazy with a Q=Qurazy
All brilliant people are said to be a lil off. Artists and geniuses. I would be ok with being qurazy. Even though I think R. Kelly might be qurazy. Forget that! I don't wanna be grouped in the same category with him. Trapped in the closet. Hecks no!

Crazy with K=Krazy
Funny like Martin. You so Krazy.

Crazy with a capital Z= CraZy
That 'thin line' crazy and deranged. Might slash your tires and call everybody in your phonebook to tell them you pee in the bed at night.

I have always believed people that study psychology are crazy. Probably because they are trying to learn the most they can about the human brain in order to figure out what is wrong with them. Sorry to say I have a few friends who were psych majors and I tell them all the time that they are crazy.

Remember me

*wipes the tears from her eyes* There are very few words to say how I'm feeling right now. I thank God for you as well. Through all the good and bad times, knowing you has been an experience that has changed my life. It was touch and go there for a second. I thought you were ready to get rid of me. I'm glad we met in Davidson and I know this won't be the last time we hang out. Don't get all brand new in a couple years and forget about me. I love you t h e o r y. In a non-lesbionic way, of course.


On a side note:
That reminds me because I was talking to Milyaka the other day and she'd run into an old, old "friend" of hers in the mall. I'm talking about they went to middle school together. In high school, the three of us went just about everywhere together. Before we could drive it was one of our parents or older siblings that took us everywhere. I used to get yelled at because my family was doing most of the driving and this particular person never volunteered her family. Anyway Milyaka was in the mall and as she always acts when she's excited, I'm sure she almost wrestled the girl to the ground. Milyaka told me that she looked at her like she couldn't quite place her then said, "Oh hey". I can imagine the shock that Milyaka was going through, but knowing this
person I'm not that surprised.

Back to what I saying....

I would never play any of my friends like that and if they were to play me like that, we obviously weren't friends. I pray that the friends I have now are always in my life. I can count the friends I have at home on one hand. Right now I can't imagine making friends who are closer to me than the ones I have now. I love them with my whole heart.

There is only one person I cannot bring myself to call. I feel bad about it too. We used to hang tight. Of course she was one person that none of my friends could stand for more than 5 minutes. I was the only person that could take her in large doses. And afterwhile she wore me down too. She basically took herself out of circulation by moving across the bridge, she stopped calling and so did I. Even though I still wonder what she's doing, I can't bring myself to call her. Tiff knows exactly how I feel. She's the kind of person that just sucks you in and you feel like you may never get back out. Like a tornado. Of course like I said she doesn't call me either. But if she did call, I would answer.

This is the longest good-bye I've ever had. I think that's a good thing. The longer the good -bye, then longer you get to keep those people around. Here's to long good-byes.

Looking back......

I was thinking about my dinner at Dr. Mitchell's house yesterday and I was cracking up. Their neighbor made me feel like I was at an interview.

So when are you getting married?
Uh well it doesn't look to good. I don't have any prospects right now.
Are you a Delta? An AKA?(Both his wife and Dr. Mitchell are Deltas)
Umm no.....
Are you going to grad school?
Yes, I just have to decide where and how to pay for it.
What are you going to do when you get to Oklahoma?
Work my butt off to get out of there ASAP and spend some time with my baby.
So what are we going to do when you leave? We've formed this bond and now you're leaving us.
I don't know.......I wish there was something I could do.

I had such a good time there. Her family is like the cutest thing ever. Makes you wonder what's wrong. But I believe its possible for some people to have it together. I would be so fortunate to have a family life like that someday.

Are you happy now?

I went somewhere for Christmas, are you people happy now? Because I've been stupidly staying up late for no good reason, I had to drag myself out of bed to go to church. I had a funny dream though involving Tyra Banks as one of my good friends and Dwayne Wade playing in my hair. It was enjoyable. But yes, I did make it to church on time and I wasn't sitting in the back. I got to sit in my preferred section up front and in the middle. The sermon was wonderful and I'm glad I went.

When I got home I attempted to make my first batch of lemon bars. It was unsuccessful. No one will be subjected to these lemon bars. They just need a lil tweeking. Baking is a science ya know. I spent Christmas dinner with my favorite marketing professor Dr. Mitchell. It was a really good time. So much food. So much laughter.

(The rain just started outside it sounds like a bucket of water was just dropped on my apartment.)

They invited their neighbors over who were an older couple. They were so cute. So yes I'm glad I went. She is one person I would love to keep in touch with. Now I think I'ma drop out early and go to sleep, like now.

Christmas is here

With none of my close friends being here in Hampton and all of them begging me to go spend Christmas with someone, I started to feel like I just wanted to stay home by myself. I've been invited into many peoples' homes. Lots of people have told me they are worried about me and that they don't want me to be alone on Christmas. And I think that's sweet they are concerned. But the way I feel is if I can't spend Christmas with my family I don't want to spend it with anyone else's family. Then I thought that if I just sat at home by myself then I wouldn't be celebrating Christmas which is the basis of my religion. I think I downplayed the importance of this day like so many other people do today. Like Christmas is just another day when it's not. I am so thankful for my Lord Jesus Christ and I want to celebrate his birth in any way I can. I will be attending church in the morning and I'm looking forward to it.

At the same time, I am OK with spending Christmas alone if I have to. I am never alone. There are always people around me. When I get home there will always be people around, so I'm going to enjoy every moment of my peace and quiet that I can.

Its crazy that so many people are sad this time of year. If you listen to the some of the holiday music at this time, most of it is really sad. But for me I know that I'm not alone in life. I have wonderful friends and family who love me. They just are not here right now. I'll still love them after the holiday and I will see them again.

I realize that I could be at home right now if I had quit my job earlier and just bounced before the holidays. That's my fault. Hindsight is 20/20 ya know. But I'm still enjoying the last of my time in Hampton before I'm really tired of it.

Procrastination at its worst

I may be putting too much of my information out there, but this just shows how bored I am and how far I will go to put off work for as long as I can.

First job: Telemarketing at this place called TCIM, worst job ever, quit five weeks later
First screen name: awdimplesHU
First funeral: My cousin
First pet: i think it was a fish named Speedy. He could do laps like no other
First piercing: My ears, other than that the belly button the day of high school graduation
First tattoo: No tattoos, too permanent
First credit card: Bank of America ruined my credit when I started college
First kiss: I don't want to divulge his name, I don't think he knows he was my first kiss and I was 16.
First enemy: My sister. She had it out for me from day one.

*Last*
Last car ride: Long distance? I went to Baltimore with Adrianne this summer for a wedding
Last kiss: Aww, Good-bye to my sugar bear.
Last movie watched: JoJo Dancer came on last night
Last beverage drank: bottled Lipton Tea
Last phone call: Chris to tell him that you can see the connections on facebook, don't put too much of your business on the street.
Last CD played: Mary J. Blige, The Breakthrough. My new favorite song is Take me as I am
Last website visited: Moviefone, I'm trying to see Memoirs of a Geisha, with or without someone else.

*Now*
Single or taken: Single
Gender: Have always been Female
Birthday: 3/11
Sign: Pisces
Siblings: An older sister and younger half brother
Hair color: Dark brown
Eye color: Brown
Shoe size: 9 1/2
Height: 5'8
Wearing: Black tank and jeans
Thinking about: Getting off my butt and starting to clean or going to sleep

I should be doing something right now.....

I have so much to do today. It's my only day off so I must cram everything I have to do into this day. What am I doing right now? I'm on the internet, wrappin my gifff, that's right giFFF not gifT, for my secret santa, and talking to Tiffani. At least I'm multi-tasking.

I think I'm gonna ask my neighbor friend to see Memiors of a Geisha. Tiff thinks this is because he's half asian. I point that he's chinese not japanese. But then again so are the stars of this film.....

Tiff is askin me whether I watched Christmas with the Browns last night. Of course not! I don't watch that mess. But she's informed me that Bobbi- Christina has slimmed down and she seems very suburban......So that probably means she already has an eating disorder and a drug habit in the works. With her parents being Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston she's already working against some pretty hard odds. Let us pray for the Browns.

So yeah I need to get off and cook something for myself... But what I'd planned to do was bring my gift for my secret santa while steal some of the food from my co-workers since the managers are cooking and I was not scheduled today. I think it was a conspiracy.

It's my big sisters' birthday today! She's 25 years old! OMG no she's 26 years old! She's in her late 20's now. Oh boy.....That means I'm not too far off.. You know it always comes back to me. But I called her this morning to wish her happy birthday. She didn't sound too enthusiastic. But that's how she always sounds. HAPPY 26TH BIRTHDAY MANDA RAY. Thats how I make her name extra country. She hates that. Love you sister!

So yeah, I got nothin...

One more tiring day at work today. I had the hardest time getting up this morning and definitely couldn't find anything to wear. My hair needs to be washed so I just put it in a ponytail. I hate ponytails. When I was in the sixth grade that was the only hairstyle I knew how to fix when I started to do my own hair. I burnt myself out on them.

I don't know what possesed me to stay up until 3am last night knowing I had to be at work at 10am this morning. I was definitely late to work even though I only stay five minutes away.

One my regular customers came in today. The woman who has been telling me to go home to my mother since I started working there. She's still telling me to go home but now its because she thinks I'm getting too thin. So she bought me lunch. I ate it too. Little does she know that its not because I can't afford to eat that I'm losing weight. It's more like I'm too lazy to get up in the morning to make breakfast, too lazy to pack a lunch, too tired to cook dinner. No wonder I'm losing weight. I eat when I can. And little does she know my mom doesn't cook either. I'm pretty much on my own there too. The sad thing is that she can throw down. Doesn't that make you mad? I got off of work at a reasonable hour and I'm really tired but I'm gonna cook something tonight. I got the day off tomorrow so I can finally start packing and clean my house thoroughly.

Waiting on the meat to thaw out now.

Just four more shopping days...

Today was my first day off in a long while. I think I woke up with the sun hoping my money finally was deposited in the bank. I paid some bills while talking on IM to someone who doesn't matter. (Just kidding homie, you matter......to someone. Not sure who that someone is though.) Then I dragged myself off to the shower so that me and Theory could go to breakfast. WE had a wonderful breakfast buffet at Shoney's. We felt like we had to pile everything on our plates since we got there 15 minutes before it was over. It was a good time. I was feeling all contemplative about life saying things like, "The future man.......what's out there?"

Paid my cell phone bill since they are so prompt at cuttin me off. (Don't you like how I said that like its their fault I didn't pay my bill instead of mine?) Then when I got home I went to go visit my neighbors since I hadn't seen them in a long time. The one everyone calls D-O-double-G was there so we sat talked for a while. I always liked to see him smile because when he smiles he looks like a little kid. I can see him as he was when he was lil boy. It's so cute. He told me he's writing book of poetry. While I was there he recited some for me and said I'd inspired him to write one. See, its just that darn sexiness. I can't turn it off people. I just can't.

When I told him I was moving home he asked me why I don't get a man to take care of me. I told him I could never do that. I'd feel so.....what's the word? Inadequate. I'll just let my mother help me out while she's offering. And he said, "Some of us aren't so fortunate to have our mothers take care of us." And I say well since I am that fortunate, I'm going home. But let's get one thing straight. I don't look at this situation as my mother taking care of me. I look at it as adding my income to the household and we can all help to build one another up. As soon as I get my finances together, I'm getting out and you can believe that. I'm way too independent to get complacent about living with my mother. I was itching to get out during middle school and high school, so you can best believe I will be on my grind when I get there. I just want something that is mine. I realize that it takes more than one person to make a success. Thank God I have my family to support me and they haven't just kicked me out on the street to survive on my own.

I did most of my Christmas shopping but everyone will get their presents after Christmas because no one will be here. I must say I think I out did myself this year. Probably because I have money this year. Thats never happened before. It was an eventful day. I started out not being able to find anything. After a while I didn't even want to shop.....but then I got to Forever 21 and that jump start my shopping nerve. It was a beautiful thing. Do we have a Forever 21 at home? Ima have to check that out...... I got some wonderful purchases. Now I'm spent.

What is ahead for me?

Man I dunno. But God says, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11. So I'm not worried.

I really had to fight to get up and go to church this morning because I didn't wanna go. I slept past my alarm, dragged myself into shower, put on the wackest outfit ever, couldn't find my socks so I went without, slapped my hair into a ponytail and was still late. Then when I got to church it seems that everyone decided to come today. I sat in the back on the aisle in one of those folding chairs next to the pew. At least I wasn't in the overflow. I never felt so underdressed in my life. Seems like last week when I had to work, they told everyone to buy a new suit and wear it TODAY.

But I'm so glad I went. The Lord has blessed me tremendously and I'm so thankful.

Tiff came down to visit and although it was short, it was a great time. We did our usual drive bys (where we drop by peoples' houses unannounced) and went out to eat. At the end of it I was beggin her not to go. Thats my homie!

But the next day I was sooo tired and I still had to work. When a customer casually asked me how I was doing I replied,
I need some coffee...... I just didn't feel like doing the whole cordial 'Oh yeah I'm fine.'
She said What do you want? I'll get it for you.
I said Oh no I can't allow you to do that. It just seems so wrong.
She said I'll get it for you, what do you want?
I say, Cappucino?

This lady got me a cappucino and it was the best cappucino I'd ever had!

The blessings didn't stop there. One of my favorite customers came in and just brightened up my day. She's an older white lady. She came in, saw me and said, "Hey girlfriend!" Then when she was leaving she gave me a hug and it just felt good in my spirit.

THEN One of my co-workers points to a bag and says that's yours. It turns out a customer had given me and a my co-worker COACH bags for Christmas. AWWW!

It was a beautiful day thanks to the Lord.

I hung out with my Peanut last night. I haven't seen him in a long time since neither one of have cars and I never go to Hampton's campus. This is another blessing I meant to mention. Since Adrianne loves me so much she left her laptop and her car in my possession so now I can write you a new blog everyday and I don't have to take the bus anymore. Hallelujah!

So I went to go see him and we hung out at his house. Just basically catching up, we haven't had a real conversation in a long time. I missed my Peanut.

yes I'm that sexy!

Hey I cannot help my mass sex appeal. Young, old, black, white. Yup they all want me. I mean people try to tell me that guys aren't always hitting on me, but it sounds like a come on to me. Example:

At a party, my friends' date is sitting alone. I casually sit down and ask why he's not mingling with the other guests.
He says: Well they seem to come to me. Like you.
I say: What happens when we run out of things to say?
He says: I guess we'll dance then.
Looking at the empty dance floor I say: But no one else is dancing......
Then he says: I guess it will just be us.

Now what does that sound like to you? Huh?

At work, this guy who had to be at least 110 says to my co-worker, Me and her are going out tonight, while pointing to me.

On several occasions married men have given me the eye while with their wives. Granted some were in wheelchairs, but still! Yes I know, you're so jealous!

As I prepare to go home, several men have requested that I take advantage of them. I'm just that sexy! I must kindly resist......

All this evidence, EVIDENCE, shocking evidence that I just can't turn all of this off. I know you girls understand, especially you Holly!

Finally hitting home

I'm finally starting to realize that I will be leaving here soon. It kind of amazes me how I react to things. Right now when everyone I know from Hampton is leaving to go home for Christmas break, I'm starting to think about that when they come back I won't be here. It is the end of an era. In some ways I have been ready for this era to come to an end for a while, but I cannot lie I am a lil sad. I refuse to cry though. While living here I've cried enough to last me a couple years. I'm looking forward to not crying for a while.

But of course most people don't know I cry. Most people think I handle things with as little emotion as possible. In public view this is true. But on the inside I feel things hard. You can't allow people to see all those things. People already view me as an sweet, innocent person who doesn't get angry or sad, who is content with whatever happens to me. Maybe I don't do anything to fight this image of myself. Is it better to look like someone who is OK with what happens to her or show that she is obviously emotionally flawed? By no means do I say that I don't have feelings, obviously I do. But do I have to let everyone else know that? Yes I know some people who have a problem with the way I handle my situations. Tiff says I should go to the Starting Over house to deal with my issues of confrontation. In the theory of fight or flight, I would be the one who flies if she can, fights if she has to. I had to say bye to some of my close friends this weekend. I'm surprised at how sad I was not. Should I be sad? Perhaps if someone acted as if they were sad to see me go I would be sad. I dropped a tear because Adrianne began to tear up. Mostly everyone else has been like, Holla, see you when I see you! Maybe they are being strong for me. Is it helping? Eh, not really. I don't know how I should handle this good-bye. Get all the emotion out and be sad for a couple months or be strong, go out like a soldier and suck it up. I think I'll choose the latter for this situation. It's easier that way. Besides I know the people that matter are going to be there for life. I'm not afraid of losing them. The ones that I never see again, it obviously just wasn't meant.


Reflecting back on my 4+ years its been great, horrible, beautiful, peaceful, blessed, stressed, fun, scary, tiring, exciting, just about anything you can think of. Just as life should be. I hope that I don't look back on these years as the best years of my life. Even though they have been great.

On the same note, everyone is so surprised that I'm not going home for Christmas. Like its the worst thing that could ever happen. I just don't see why its so detrimental. I mean everyone acts like its more important to be home for a holiday than at any other time. I mean the audacity of some folks to just come out say. "You're going to be so miserable." Who says that? I just figured I'll be there in January so what's the big deal? I love my family more than anything and yes we have great times during the holidays, but I'm just not stressing it. I'm on my way folks and I'll get through this holiday just fine. Don't be rushing me!


Now that I got that off my chest, I feel a lil better.

Women's Appreciation

I got suckered into going to this women’s appreciation thing held by a fraternity at HU. Their idea of women’s appreciation is back massages with oil in a dark candlelit room feeding women strawberries and grapes while playing Jodeci and 112. I guess that would be ideal to some women. I on the other hand hate being touched by strangers, and it was way too much an intimate setting to have so many people in it. It seemed more like an orgy than a celebration of women. Call me a hater, ungrateful or whatever but its just not my thing. I mean at this point I can’t be getting massaged with oil listening to Jodeci and 112. I’m trying to stay focused. They trying to get me caught up! If Ima get massaged let it be while watching cartoons or something. That way there ain’t no mood setting going on. *wink*


Rent
I saw Rent on the day that rent was due. WARNING: This is a musical, If you don’t like musicals this movie may not be for you. They break into song at any moment. I say this because while Adrianne was at the hair salon some girl said, “Do NOT go see that movie Rent! They sang all the way through that movie!” (Picture this with a ghetto accent). Of course we love musicals so it was great. WARNING #2 There is homosexuality in the movie so beware. This movie is not for kids. It was good though, I would see it again.