you can't catch me

Man this has been a busy week, but with two jobs and all what do you expect. I've made myself a schedule because things are not getting done and I'm tired of looking at my room the way it is.

My roomie and I narrowed down our apartments to two. I finally told my mother I was moving out. Her reaction was "OK". That's definitely not what I was expecting. No yelling, no objection, nothin. I guess she's as ready for me to go as I am. So now that there's nothing in the way, we moving full force ahead.

So this job that wants to hire me permanently has told me I have to work here for about 2 more months before i can become permanent. Even then I may not get much more than I am getting now. We shall see. Needless to say I have to decided to keep my job search open. But I will stay here until I find another one. Seems like you can't get a job till you got one.

Woman

So, last night after church I was chillin catchin up with my girls. A 10 min convo turns into 2 and a half hours. Yes we talked about sooo much and still wasnt done when I had to leave because I gotta go to work.

I am amazed at sometimes how well I know myself. I have 'sometimes too honest' in my facebook profile. Yeah, that's me. And during the conversation last night, I had to lay some things out on the table. Tell it like it is. I know when to shut up. I keep quiet most of the time. But then there's a time to SPEAK. And when you ask me to speak, be prepared for what's about to come out. I don't hold back anymore. I don't have time for that. So we were laughing and things, but I know I was hittin some spots.

They were like, 'I surprised you haven't gotten into any fights with that mouth! You are hard. Or at least had a good shakin!' And I said, 'Well, people love me.' But the thing about the truth is if it's the truth, it will come to pass. And you can get upset, but you gotta get over it once it comes to pass. You cannot deny it.

One funny thing they also said that they were talkin about how grown I am. I laughed.

Yeah, you're real grown. Like, 'go take yourself and sit down somewhere' grown.

Well I didn't realize my adulthood was showing through like that. I've felt above my age since I was 12. I had a father who wanted to be my son and a sister who would act like she was the younger one. Some one had to be the adult.

I still laugh when Chris calls me a 33 year old. He's used that joke since last year. It's still hard for me to say I'm 23. When people ask me, I'm like twweeeenty......three....yeah twenty-three.

Embrace age as it comes.

Randomness(Been a long time!)

1. I can tell within the first 4 seconds whether I will like a song or not.
2. My daddy said I could read the dictionary at three.....Not that I doubt my intelligence but wouldn't I have heard more about that by now?
3. So I told a male friend of mine I'm gettin my hair permed and lettin go of my afro and he said, Good. Maybe you can get a dude now. I said, Shut UP! I am not my hair! I am not this thing....somethin, somethin, somethin (India.Arie). I liked my fro its just time for something easier.
4. I'ma hair rebel. Guys say they like long hair, I cut it. Everybody goin natural, I get a perm. There's something wrong with that. Rebellious for no reason.
5. Don't you hate when people say something is ok then they go and complain about it to someone else?
6. My co-workers are killin me with these Chuck Norris jokes.
7. I can be quite condescending sometimes. Bear with me I'm working on it. Just the fact that I know and can admit it is a step.
8. Still on a mission for an MP3 player. Furniture is #1 priority though.
9. I've become more of a fan of myspace lately. More quizzes and crap to keep me busy.
10. I notice that sometimes music can remind you of a place you've never been. Where is this place? I miss it.
11. Is 'dancery' a word?

Oh boy!

CONGRATULATIONS MIAMI HEAT!!!




Yes it was a lovely game! Shout out to Dwayne Wade MVP! He's an awesome player even if he is married....But yes, did you notice he gave God all the glory? Amen! That's the way you do it. Give credit where credit is due!!

I think I titled this blog so very accurately. I ask myself that almost everyday. Where do we go from here? Sometimes I have the answer, sometimes I don't.

I ask my friends where are we going from here? Yeah well I'll just see when I get there.


I don't know how I'm gonna make through the next few hours. I'm cold, sleepy and already complaining. I guess its time for the coffee. Today is my first day working at the second job. Hope I make I it through. I just wanna see my bed.

I'm so excited about getting my hair done on Saturday. I wanted to alert my co-workers that I will be wearing the same hairstyle until Saturday. And that's just gonna be the way it is. It will probably be more torture for me than them. Some people here wear their hair the same everyday anyway.

Being cold also makes me scatterbrained.

it has come

Yes people I have finally reached my breaking point. I think I'm bout to just give up.....I'ma go ahead and get a relaxer. I've been natural for oh a couple years now I think. Now I'm just too busy to sit up, straighten and blow dry it. I only got a perm a couple times a year anyway.

I'm tired of trying to figure out what I'ma do and I'm not a braids person nor do I have time to sit and get it braided.

Yup I think that's it. I did enjoy wearing my curly fro sometimes. I think I'll give it a good-bye on Saturday. Once more for the good times.

smh

him : i think i could have made you love me
me : lmbo
me: where did that come from
me: why do you say that?
him: cause you said i wasnt your dream dude
him: n i think i could have been
me: hmm i dunno


that was so totally random. we're talkin about kids one moment, the next: this. it's so funny to me. and before you take his side thinking he's pouring his feelings out and i'm just mercilessly laughing at him. he has a girlfriend, who he says he's married to. where does this even come up in your thought process?

now the sad thing is, back in the day....perhaps if some things had gone differently, yes. but i wouldn't put that in his brain.

men, when you make decisions, make them for your future, not just in the moment.

now perhaps this came with his ego. i could have made her love me, no doubt. and i'm like yeah sure whatever. did i just take a shot at his self esteem?.........SO?! Ioncare!

he's still my homie, love him to death, but will he always wonder what if? i don't know. will i? nope. i refuse to live my life that way. today is today, yesterday is gone, prepare for tomorrow. it's all about the future.

i need someone who can be with me where i'm goin. i need a man who will pray me through. who will minister to me. who will encourage. who knows the Lord in depth. i can wait. there's still a lotta work to be done in me. *sigh*

on the bright side

well, i had become so busy in life that i didn't really have time to get myself in order. now that i'm sittin at work and have nothing to do, i've started settin up my budget, i opened up a savings account, started my life plan. what makes me happy? what makes me unhappy? well i started thinkin about my life plan.....

last night at my 12 meeting(i'll tell you what a 12 is in a minute) we watched No More Sheets by Jaunita Bynum. when it was over everyone was stunned to silence. I reccomend it to anyone guy or girl who feels trapped by sex. it will at least get you thinking about what you want in life.

at my church, a way they have in helping you through the process of the Christian walk is by puttin you in a 12 group. the concept of a 12 group is as Jesus had 12 disciples, if we disciple 12 people and they disciple 12 people, the vision is that much closer to becoming fulfilled. your 12 group has a leader and you meet each week to discuss what you've been goin through and for prayer.

it's a wonderful concept. life is hard enough, you need support and you tend to go through more stuff when you're trying to do right.

the verse i am meditating on right now is habakkuk 2:2

2And the LORD answered me:
"Write the vision;
make it plain on tablets,
so he may run who reads it.
3For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
it hastens to the end--it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay.

so i'm coming to a point in my walk where i can tell that some of my friends are tired of me talking about God. but i can't stop. it's too important. i can see what they are doing to themselves. i can see what their future is going to look like. none of it is good. and i see God pursuing them and they keep running just like i did. and He didn't have to pursue me, but He did. who am i? you think its too hard for you? everyday is a struggle for me. if i can do it, you can.

I'll tell you what...

You ever been so cold, you couldn't eat? That's how cold it is in here. I can barely think. I've done a couple productive things in my day. Still got 3 and a half hours to go.

Went bowling yesterday with my church people yesterday. It was the youth against the college ministry. With there being 72,343,455 of the youth and 10 of the college age folks, I admitted defeat before we started. Plus I couldn't remember the last time I'd bowled. I think my final score was like 31 or something.

Well Lookey Here

So I found out that my sister's "boyfriend" is moving here and they are looking for an apartment together. That still doesn't change the fact that I wanna move out. This is what I'm looking at. IF he even comes, I give it a month before one moves out. I can't even imagine what it will be like in that apartment the way they argue on the phone.

She says I can have her bedroom furniture. Because of her previous record, I'm wary about taking it. I might have to hear about it for the next ten years.

I really do want her to be able to do her own thing and be successful, but my sister is hard headed and I know what that's like. So people like that, you gotta let em bump their head.

Don't pray then worry

I thank God for my friend Nicole. She's been a blessing and a half. Laughter when I need it, a listening ear, and just plain fun. My new partner in crime.

Of course I don't think of her as a replacement. None of my friends can be replaced. Everyone makes their own mark.

This thought just popped in my head while at work. I miss Milyaka. She so close yet so far away. Sometimes feels further than when I was in VA.

I miss Tiff. We used to talk 5 times a day. It feels like I haven't talked to her in years. I talked to her yesterday....But it was just once. That wasn't nearly enough time.

I've got an interview today for a second job. I'm certain I will get it. So between two jobs and church, I will have very lil time. Better get to me while you can.

I can see the path

The first time I felt like I was in love was freshman year of college. I met a guy. He was pretty cool. Funny, handsome, had some of that sarcasm I liked. Plus, he really had to get my attention. I was interested in a couple other guys at the time. Yes, it is all about the chase.

This was the kicker. I used to and still do from time to time have these gut wrenching, bawling over, make you wanna slap EVERYBODY type cramps. When I would see him or talk to him on the phone, all the pain would go away. Just like that. So I thought this just has to be love.

Of course I got played and my heart was shattered. But that was my first feelings of love. I think we only ever kissed once.

Yeah the second guy of college was all physical passion. Making out, cuddling and affection. Very little words were spoken at all. I can probably count the conversations we had on the phone one hand.

It lasted two years.....I liked him and I told him that. I just didn't know what else to say. We kinda faded out, but remained friends. Just friends. Only made out once after that.

The third guy.....with him it was like being roughly shaken from a deep sleep. It's startling, kinda makes you mad, but you wanna see what all the fuss is about. What's gonna happen next. There was emotional passion, physical passion, long conversations about nothing and everything, but no spiritual growth. God was not the center there or in any of them.

I think of these three most often. What I did, what I let happen, what I should have done. I didn't go looking for them. They found me. I won't go looking again, but I'll be better about my filtering process.

Look at God

So it seems the company I was working the temp job for liked me so much that they asked specifically for me to come back and help in a different department. And I just got word today she's going to put in for me to become permanent here after the contract is up. I needed a job and now I have one. Amen. It's not where I will end up but it works for now.

As for personally, before I had men problems I had family problems. Now that I don't have men problems....I got family problems. Me and my sister are not getting along AT ALL. To the point where she just isn't speaking to me period. I've learned that its just her bratty nature. If I don't do what she says its like, 'Well don't ask me to anything for you EVER again'. That's manipulation. I won't have it.

My problem with her is she has no respect for me or my property OR anyone else for that matter. She feels like she can set the rules for our relationship and if I don't want it her way then I just can't be her sister at all. If she says we're cool then we are, if she says we're not then we're not. That's not the way it supposed to work.

She constantly throws the stuff she bought me back in my face (stuff I never asked for). I'd rather she take it back or not do anything at all than have to hear about it. She does not talk to me, only at me. It's either do what I say or don't talk at all. She's continually spiteful. It's crazy!

People have pacified my sister all her life. She needs some hard truth. She has no ambition and no drive. I won't do that to her. She needs to know. She yells at everyone and expects to be able to do it to me. I have to stick up for myself and when I do, I get blamed. It's like them against me in that house. Who wants to live like that?

So as soon as I am able, I'm gettin out. I already have a roomate. Started lookin at some places. I love my family, but this ain't right. I'm not even mad or bitter. It's just the reality of things.

How is that God? He's just helping me get a thicker skin. Plus, you need some haters in life. They are the ones who will tell your testimony. I heard that in church on Wednesday.