Sisterhood? I'm ALL for that!

Oh my goodness!! The Women's Encounter was wonderfully awesome on top of wonderful. I went hope to hear from God and I did. I went hoping to feel better about women and I do. All of it was right on time. I have so much more to say but I'm kinda tired right now and I'm about to go cook. I'll holla at y'all later.

Sisterhood? Oh puhleeze

Yo, I was almost ready to be done with all women today. With me not having too many friends here at first, I forgot the drama that came along with being friends with women. So many misunderstandings, feelings gettin hurt, DRAMA. I don't know if men deal with this kinda thing other than when dealing with women. I feel sorry for men. Other than the fact that I'm not attracted to women and I don't agree with the whole homosexuality issue, I know I could never be a lesbian! Man its hard enough just being friends with them.

It's so funny that when I first went to college I found 4 other girls who shared my view about women. We called ourselves the Five Heartbeats. And we could not stand girls. Now ain't that crazy? Five of us just chillin and didn't like our own sex, but everywhere we went we were rolling at least 8 deep. Throughout college all my friends said they didn't get along with females, but we all remained friends. And oh yes did we have our dramas and that when we would say,'That's why Ion't even like females!' Except Tiff, we ain't never had no drama like that. Maybe that's because she's used to hanging out with guys. I understand you now TIFF!!! I feel you homie!!!

If I could find some dudes to hang out with that didn't smoke, drink or curse, oh it would be sooo cool. I could chill. I'm so good at chillin. It's what I do. Give me some movies and some food and I'm cool. I even watch sports. Any sports, really. Oh yeah and they can't be tryin to like me, strickly friends.......Yeah if we gone be hanging out, they need to know Jesus on a personal level.
That's all I need. Is that so much to ask for?

Yes, I know. I'm trippin. That's like tryin to find a needle in a haystack.

I'm SO glad I'm going to the Women's Encounter this weekend. Maybe I'll learn something about women because this is ridiculous.

I hate to be isolated

Happy Easter everyone! Oh boy do I love a good road trip, even if it is a short one. Went to see my best friend perform in an Easter production at her church. I tell you, this girl deserves an Academy Award. She was on point.

I went with my homegirl Nicole. We barely knew each other was in town and now we're inseparable. She's mad cool. She brings out my goofy side. It's healthy to be goofy when you have so many heavy things on your mind.

Twinkle, twinkle

Ah yes, I finally got some sleep! I collapsed on my couch first around 9pm then got in the bed at 10:30. Woke up refreshed this morning. I actually think I have more energy than neccessary.

I am absolutely in love with this Adrianne Archie CD. I'ma have to buy it. Can't wait until I get that Ipod.

Insomniac on the loose

I can't sleep. Haven't been able to for the past few days. The thing is I'm so tired. Like really tired. And I'm almost certain if I was to get in the bed I might just fall asleep. Can't be sure though. Seems like when I get in the bed its not real sleep. By the time I get into some real sleep, I hear people moving around in the morning for work. I feel the tension all in my body too. Is this one of those subconscious things? I hate those. Hiding stress from myself. Deception, I tell you.

Listening to this singer, Adrianne Archie. I'm starting to love it. She may replace Teedra Moses and y'all know I love me some Teedra. Her voice is so soulful and smooth like silk.

I don't feel like taking these contacts out. But I won't sleep in them.

My grandmother is having her other leg amputated.

Church was wonderful. They had the children pray for the adults. They're so small you have to get on your knees for them to pray for you. I'm talking bout 6 and 7 year olds praying, crying, and worshipping. It was powerful and so genuine. I've never experienced anything like it.

I didn't even take a nap today. Maybe like seven minutes but that's it.

I've been trying to get back to VA, but I don't think I should try. Just a feeling I get. I'd have to fast just to prepare to go back there.

Another feeling I get is that I have to divest from a group I've never really been in yet. I feel a ungenuinuity (I know that's not a word, work with me) from them. I like for people to be real with me and not act like they're scared of me. That makes me uncomfortable. Makes me feel like they're hiding something. Why are you hiding? What am I gonna do to you?

I'm loving the mentorship and strong Christian women I'm meeting.

I think I'm done rambling.

Everyday A New Beginning

Yeah so, I thought I was an independent woman of today. Apparently I have more to learn before I can be totally independent. My cousin calls to see if I have a jack because she her tire blew out. At least I do know that most recent cars have one of those kits in the trunk. BUT I don't have the slightest idea how to use it. I figured she knew how. Nope. There were three of us out there that had no clue what we were doing. We finally figured out how to jack the car up, but when we tried to take the bolts out the tire kept spinning. Luckily a truck driver stopped and helped us out. Clearly, you gotta loosen the bolts before you jack the car up. *smacks herself on the forehead*

Pick up the pieces

Man things are so crazy right now, I know there's a blessing in store. I'm so fired up! I'ma have people stop calling me because they're afraid I'ma preach to em. That's OK. I've kept my mouth shut for too long. There's some things that have to be said. And even if you don't call, I'm still gone pray for you. The Bible says, 'The prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective'. And 'effective' means it works! And I can honestly say with confidence that I'm righteous. I couldn't say that last year, but I can say it now. Man and y'all should be glad if someone is praying for you. If you think things are bad now, just think if you were not covered in prayer. God's grace is sufficient, but it don't last forever and some people keep ignoring his call. I was one of those people. And there was a time when His grace ran out and something happened to me that should have woke me up but didn't. Oh I didn't mean to go into all that. I just want to praise God for his protection and grace over all those I love.

Community Service

When I first got here I believe I was complaining that I didn't know anyone here. And now I rethinking that whole thing. See without any friends, that would mean I didn't have any obligations to hang out with people, remember birthdays, or call people. I was free. Now I've met some people through church, reunited with some high school friends and so now I've become obligated. I was afraid this would happen. I started to get comfortable in my solitude. Isn't that lazy?!

I went to a birthday party of a girl I met at church. She's invited me to be in her discipleship group they call your Twelve (like Jesus' twelve disciples). So I get there and am immediately thrown into decorating and errand running for the party. I call it my initiation into the Twelve. Of course I didn't really know anyone there except for the birthday girl. Everyone else I'd only seen at church or had never seen them before in my life. I got my mingle on, we played Taboo, which y'all know it my game. I had to keep my competitive nature to a minimum since I didn't know these people, y'all know how I can get. No one got hurt this time, my team won both times. Oh it was a great time.

Then today church was off the chain. We had a guest speaker, preaching a message on how important it is to actually come to church. Not look at it on the internet. Not watch it on TV. Not hold Bible study luncheons instead of goin to church. He subtitled it "Get in the HOUSE". It was so great that I could have stayed in church a couple more hours.

After church I went to my friends' house and went grocery shopping with her mother while talking business. It's funny, everytime I tell someone I have my Marketing degree, they tell me about a business they're starting and how they need a marketing person. Well I'm just waiting on someone to give me an opportunity. I love her mom though. She's a powerful woman of God and you just wanna sit there and soak up all she has to say. I'm excited to work with her.

Both nights I got in pretty late. I bet my fam was sayin, she gets some friends and now she ain't never home. You got that right buddy!

So I'm getting out of my comfort zone, meeting new people, becoming involved and making a difference. Yup, this'll be interesting.

Ah yes, today is the celebration of my bestest true blue friends! Welcome to your almost mid-twenties BUNNY!!!! Hope your birthday is 100 times better than mine.

Everything happens for a reason

I am in the process of a reformation. I realize how off-putting, how rude, how spoiled I've been and I am changing. I was a mean girl and I still have my moments. But even in trying not to be mean or insensitive, I stopped speaking up for myself. Now in preparing to be submissive, I in no way plan to be a doormat. I've been there. I refuse to live my life that way. Theres a fight in you for a reason. Too many times, I let my fight go. And sometimes I've had put the fear in some people. Sometimes you have to let people know you can be a lil crazy just so they don't walk all over you. But in those instances you are actually crazy. Is it worth it? I'd rather be a crazy lady than get played as I have been. But why should it even have to come to that? Why must I get crazy to get some respect?

I read something about submission today. Submission is an act of faith. A wife's obedience is not from intimidation but a quiet confidence which is the fruit of trust in God. 1 Peter 3:1-7 and Ephesians 5:22 calls for the woman to submit to her husband and the husband is charged to lovingly give himself to caring for his wife, never exploiting the trust of her submission. I like that, NEVER exploiting.

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. ~James 3:17

Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.~1 Corinthians 15:33

Let's avoid one another without appearing to do so.

Oh yes, its time for a reformation. I've been misinterpreted most of my life, even by those closest to me. But now I will be perfectly clear about what I mean and who I am. It's time for a change.

Let's talk about love

"If at anytime [in a relationship] you can tell someone WHY you love them you no longer love them."

When I heard this statement I instantly knew what it meant, but there seemed to be some confusion. I'm not saying you have to agree with me but I want to clarify. I am almost certain that I quoted the speaker correctly because I am human I could have made a mistake. The only word I am questioning is "can".

Now I am not saying that you shouldn't say why you love someone or that people won't. Undoubtedly at some time in your relationship you will feel led to say, "I love you because....". And I am sure its true for you. I still feel that if you love someone there is no way you could possibly tell them ALL the ways that you love them. It's sort of like "Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways...." I don't think you can. It should be limitless. I'm a romantic, what can I say.

As Tiff and I got into heated discussion I tried to explain what I felt when I heard this statement. It was made before a sermon about God being our source and our father. All things come from him. Love is inexplicable and God is love. I felt that he was talking about love as God loves us, its unconditional. God doesn't tell us why he loves us, but he shows us. And I'm sure at times we all do things that are pretty unloveable, but there is nothing we can do to make God stop loving us. Nothing.

There are different kinds of love. Storge: familial love, Eros: erotic, sensual love, Agape: all encompassing, unconditional love, Philia: friendship love and I read about this fifth love, affirmation which has to do with both giving and recieving love. Usually when people say why they love someone they say, 'Its because you do this' or 'You make me feel like this' or 'I love when you do this'. Those are all conditions that can change. If they don't do that thing or they no longer make you feel that way, will you stop loving them? If so then its not love. As 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserves. Love never fails." I love those scriptures.

Then I asked in what instance would you ask why? Something in my spirit felt wrong about that question. Why? To ask the question why holds insecurity. If you have to ask why about someone's feelings, most of the time its because you don't believe that they feel the same way as you do. Why are you my friend? Why do you love me? Or you just don't know why and you're asking to find out. WHY don't you know? I feel that if you are in a Godly relationship, as it should be, then God will let you know that that person loves you. If you have to doubt then its not love.

I also think the people that asked me about this statement were not thinking about a Christian relationship. Maybe they were thinking about past relationships. And for the record, history together is not a reason you love someone. It's a stronghold. You might stay in the relationship because of history, but that's not why you love them.

In that same instance, I pray that my husband's life is in line with God's will. That he and I both deal with whatever spiritual issues that we have to deal with long before we get married. The Bible says wives should be submissive to your husbands, but I believe that the husband should be worthy of submission. He has to be the head of the household so I pray that he is able to lead. I've had a hard time dealing with the issue of submission, never having witnessed a man worthy of submission. But I don't think I would have a problem doing that if I found a man who was worth it. Now that's my own issue, but yeah I hope I cleared up the love issue.

I'm a CHAMPION!!!

I'm incredibly sleepy because I didn't sleep much last night even though I remember dreaming but there are some random thoughts I wanted to post.

SO this morning while getting ready I was thinking, 'Man its hard being a girl. You gotta pick out cute clothes, do your hair, smell all good, put on make up and jewelry. It take a lotta preparation.' Then I thought, 'Scratch that. It takes a lot to be pretty girl. No wonder it takes Tiff so long to get ready.' On a daily basis I can be cute with no make up and lil preparation, but to be pretty it takes time. The DIVA is on her way.

WHO called it?! I knew that white girl on Black.White was gonna start liking black dudes! She was just too in awe of black culture. But I noticed something. She was always complimenting him. "You must have been voted best smile" blah blah blah. I was thinkin, 'That's so gross. She's blowing up his head.' That's just not something I do. I am not a flatterer. I feel its more about the actions than words. It's very rare that you will hear me give a dude a compliment. You gotta be pretty secure to be around me. That's because I think dudes be feelin themselves wayy too much. I will break a mans self esteem. But that is something I would like to change. People need to hear that kinda stuff sometimes. Work in progress people!

My neice snapped my glasses. Just broke one of the arms off of it. I'm not mad at her. More so at my mom and my sister for not watching her. And I know that's what it was. Oh well its time for some new ones anyway.

sleepy, I go night night now.

Dancing in the flowery meadow

AH! I finally got to go to Arkansas this weekend. When I don't tell anybody that I'm leaving, I finally make it out of town. Spent some time with my family that I haven't seen in a minute. I saw my grandma, gave her some love. When people ask me how she's doing, I don't really know what to say. She just had a leg amputated, but I don't really think she knows its gone. Sometimes she'll say her 'feet' hurt. When she sees you, she gets really focused and stares. Its hard to look away because she's staring so intently. This is the first time I've ever thought my grandmother looked 'old'. Everytime she saw me, she asked about my mother who was still in OK. It's because I look like my mom. It kinda hurt to tell her she's not here and that she wouldn't be coming anytime that weekend. She asked about her all day and just would not let up. Usually, she forgets about stuff after awhile, but this she would not let go.


For the most part I stayed with my aunt in the little town where my mom is from. I got no service on my cell so I had a lotta explaining to do to those whom I forgot to tell I was leaving. (Oops forgot I had some obligations!) So yeah.....staying with my auntie yielded a couple surprises. It's kinda weird because my aunt has a grill. Yes. A grill. Her front teeth are outlined in gold. Now y'all know I can't stand gold teeth with a firey red passion. But this is my favorite aunt. My Katie Mae (sounds like this: Katamae). I had to get over that shock quickly. Plus seems like her daughter has been harboring some resentment towards me. Had to handle that. The kid is 15 years old and she tells me that all the time she gets the speech, "Kita is the perfect role model for you. Kita, Kita, Kita". Sounds a lil like "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha". I had to let her know without telling my business that I'm not perfect, though it may seem so. And shoot I was there way before she came along. Kate is my homie fo life. She's like my second mother. When I was little I was with her all the time. She spoiled me because at home it was all about my bratty, drama queen sister. I retreated to my corner. I was a loner and I stayed that way till college. Life is funny.


Everytime I go back there I realize how country my fam really is. I mean even my accent came out and it may be here to stay. Not the refined southern accent my friends are used to. Nope the country one. But at least I ain't start changing words. Now you might think you know a word, like ornament. In my definition that is something you might put on a Christmas tree, but nope its something you would use to heal a wound: ointment. Now that blew my mind.

I traveled down there with my Uncle Otis, his wife Gwen and my Uncle Robert Charles from Cali (yes, we call him all that, Uncle Robert Charles) . Found out some things that maybe I wasn't ready hear concerning some illegal substances and stolen property.

The funniest thing happened while at the nursing home. Well just so happens there were a few tornadoes in the area. I drove my great aunt the 45 min drive to the nursing home. This is how she asked me to drive,'Did you say you wanted to drive?'. Well no, I didn't say anything.

Anyway, at the nursing home they took everybody into the hall in case a tornado hit. While sitting out there they served everyone dinner. This lady, her name be Lucille, started talking to me and my aunt, then I think she's tryin to get down the hall but another lady eating her dinner was blocking the way with her wheel chair. So I politely ask her if I can scoot her over so Lucille can get by. She says sure. I scoot her over. Lucille rolls up behind her and kicks her wheel. Twice. Like she was mad at her for blocking her path in the first place. Man ain't nothing like nursing home drama.