Ya think ya know, but ya don't

I've decided to look into the fine art of Christian dating. I believe it has to be an art because it's hard to do and it must take some type of creativity to do it.

At this point, I find myself on strike from dating or even thinking about dating for several reasons.

1. Distraction. I have a lot on my plate right now, no need to get caught up in someone else.
2. Fear that I might do something wrong and end up ten steps back in my walk.
3. I never really look at men here in Tulsa. They're either attracted to other races, not attractive (to me), a waste of time, or just not interesting. In other words WACK.

But while I'm busy I might as well learn how to date so that when it comes time, I'll know what to do.

When Myles Monroe came to visit my church he said, "If at any point someone can tell you WHY they love you, they no longer love you. If they use the words 'When, if, only or always' they don't love you because those words are conditional. Love is unconditional.'

I actually bought his book called Waiting and Dating. It says that the world we live in has reversed the order in which we are supposed to have a meaningful relationship. In the world you get to know someone physically first, then intellectually, then spiritually. When it should be that you find out about where a person is spiritually, intellectually, then physically (in the confines of marriage).

One thing I learned in the book that was interesting was that engagement is the first stage of marriage. In other words when you make that promise to marry, you are already in a convenant relationship with that person. In the Bible if a woman was engaged she would already be known as that man's wife and in order for it to be broken it would require a divorce. They would be known as a married couple but not to the greatest degree. That comes when the marriage is consumated with sex on the wedding night.

It's an interesting book. At this point I am at the first stage of dating: Learning to be alone. I'm taking care of business while I'm at it.

She's a maanniacc, maaniaacc

I have to say that a day does not go by where my neice ceases to amaze me. She is incredibly different than any other kid I know. I mean if she knew more words she would probably be telling me how to do things around here and she already tries. I love to just watch her because she finds stuff to do. And whatever she can't do, she'll get someone bigger to do it for her.

I wanna keep a camera on hand at all times because she's always doing these grown up poses. I don't know where she got them. That one hand on the wall leg crossed move, she's got a flirty pose, and that infamous black girl pose. It's so funny to watch.

Yeah now its finally weird to say my age maybe its time to start saying, 'I'm in my 20's' . Then I'll be 30ish, 40ish, 40ish, 40ish for as long as that works. Then by 80 I'll start telling my real age because by then its a real accomplishment.

I was at the doctor's office with my mom and this lil 4 yr old boy became enamored with me. (It's always the young ones) His grandmother started to tease 'He's got a girlfriend now. He thinks he's your age. How old are you? 17? 18?' I say, 'No, I'm 23'. She says, 'Oh you look good for your age.'

Good for my age? WOW. I guess that's better than saying you look young for your age....

Eventually, he got a hold of some Legos and forgot all about me. The story of my love life so far.

Mind Blowing

If you say you love hip-hop and R & B music, go to this website http://www.exministries.com . But be WARNED it will completely mess you up! It's for your own good and mine too.

There are no words...

Oh boy! Oh boy! So many stories! I wish I could just telepathically send them out to my bloggers over the internet.

Everybody's out cus its Friday night....Not I. Oh well, time to wash my hair. You know it takes 3 days to do it anyway.

Been having a great time at church. My faith has increased like 20 times over. No like 50 times over. It feels good. And I'm still learning stuff.

The business thing is still hard. But I believe my help is on the way. I wish I could fly Kory out here. When we were in school we were like the dream team. I know we could take this thing over.

I had a pivotal conversation/ mini-breakdown with my mom and my sister. Almost had me saying, "This why I wanted to stay in Hampton!". My first mistake: I didn't pray before I talked them. I saw their side of the argument and I'm taking steps to fix that, but I don't know if they were understanding what I was trying to say. But its sort of one of those things where even if I took you through the whole thing step by step you still wouldn't know. On my mother's part, I think she needs to learn to let go. It's like this: She's still looking at me like I'm her baby. Like I can't do anything for myself. It reminds me of when I used to make up my bed and she'd be like 'Oh just get out the way and let me do it.' Well I gotta do somethings on my own or how else will I know how to do them? She doesn't want me to be without and that's wonderful but if you're gonna complain about supplying those needs...DON'T SUPPLY THEM. She needs to let me be an adult.

I felt so attacked after that conversation, I got on my knees and didn't get up until I felt like I'd covered everything I needed to cover. Got some real praying in.

After I told Farah about that night she was like, "I wanna move out and I don't even live there." I said, "I know!!"

I mean if it were up to me I would have stayed in Hampton, worked my butt off, made my way somehow, SOMEHOW! I would have been DEAD inside, BUT I would have been independent and they wouldn't have to worry about what I'm doing.

But I know that I'm supposed to be here at this time for a reason. And I'm glad I came because nothing good comes without a lil struggle and my family is my struggle.

Then the next day I got all these calls from people that I hadn't heard from in a while. Me and Milyaka talked for longer than we had in a while. And at least three times I heard people tell me, 'I believe in you'. It was the greatest feeling. Because I was feeling discouraged and that helped so much.

Congratulations to my lil sister Sigele for crossing Delta Sigma Theta, Inc. I'm so proud of my girl!! Plus I got some inside info that one of my other friends is crossing Kappa Alpha Psi, Inc. So Congrats homie!!! Yeah, I get all the info even though I'm halfway across the country.

I love all you guys! Keep your eyes open I may be coming to the east coast soon...

Yup!

I might as well blog, I've been online long enough. I've had more than usual to write about but not enough time to sort it out. Been a lotta crazy things going on. And even now I don't know what to say. I think I'll pause and come back later. I need to go to the beauty supply store. This new shampoo is just not working for me.

Superwoman is in the house!

So....my 23rd birthday was yesterday. I got more birthday wishes than I've ever gotten thanks to facebook. I feel loved, but I sort of think that facebook has made us lazy. People don't even pick up the phone anymore. No card, just a lil message. I guess I should be greatful for the thought and I am. Even though I can't help but wonder if they felt pressured to say 'Happy Birthday' because they'd been reminded of it everyday for the last 4 days....Sometimes I feel that pressure. Some people called AND left messages, that was nice. Even though my phone was dead half the day, I still got the voicemails.

The day was not the greatest, definitely one for the books though. I didn't know I had it in me to be so strong. But right now, I don't have the energy to describe it all. Let's just say you wouldn't have wanted to be me on my birthday.

I did have one birthday surprise. Tiff sent Bobo, my love, back to me.



Now, I'm not alone in Tulsa. Just in time. Thanks Tiff.

Dear Bobo,
I missed you. Life has not been the same without you. It shall be full of bliss now that we are one.


*sigh*

I know, yeah, I'm a lil touched. Keeps me entertained. I'm not too keen on the name Bobo. It's not really that creative. I would have expected more from you Tiff!

I'm still fighting this cold or whatever it is. I hate being sick.

Sorry for ruining Project Runway for ya, Sleepy. You should still see the finale, its worth it.

What's with all these real curse words on regular cable? It's kinda scary, there's like no sense of decency anymore.

I started watching that show Black.White where to two families trade races. Why is the white girl prettier as a black girl? She seems to be having the most fun though.

I long to be grunge

I wish I had something light and airy to give, but nothing comes to mind. Lately, I had lots of stuff on my mind. I've been in really deep thought.....

OH wait! I got it!

Why did Tiffani try and tell me that the word cohesive does not exist? We were talking about Project Runway and I was saying that Chloe's line was very cohesive, that's why she won. She says, "You made that up! Cohesive is not a word! There is adhesive and comprehensive, you can't just put those words together. I know you graduated from college and all but that don't mean you can just make up words! Unh-unh, you ain't gone get me with that one. I'm not using that word. Ain't not such thing as a cohesive. Sound like a ghetto name. Qohesive. You gone try and name your first child that. Qohesive. Show me that in Webster's!"

I was laughing for like twenty minutes. I promise. She cracks me up!

Let's take a ride on this roller coaster

Ultimate Excitement!! Top Model is on!!!


So...I've been sick for the last couple days. I dunno what happened, but I woke up yesterday and could barely move or talk. To make matters worse, my sister told me my niece was sick and had to stay home with me. Turns out, the baby was fine, I was the one who needed taking care of. My head pounding, my throat sore, my nose clogged up and a very active baby to take care of. Thank God I was able to get through the morning, change her diaper every time, fix her something to eat and make sure she didn't destroy the house. Oh it was so great when she took her nap, because I was barely making it.

As soon as my mom got home, I dropped out of circulation and fell in and out of consciousness. I was supposed to go to Arkansas to see my grandma. We got some bad news about her saying that she wasn't going to get any better. Everyone is handling it in their own way. I really wanted to go because its been awhile since I've seen her. But when it came time to leave early this morning I couldn't even stand up for more than a minute without getting dizzy. I couldn't get my stuff packed, couldn't think straight and I didn't want to be a burden while I was there.

While slipping in and out of consciousness, I remember my baby coming in to my room and kissing me on my cheek. Hopefully she doesn't get sick, but it was really sweet.

I found out while playing in her basketball game, my cousin J got her nose broken. Some girl deliberately hit her in the face with her elbow. Now we're lookin to sue. Her birthday is on Sunday. What a birthday present! Two black eyes and a broken nose. Crazy ain't it?

For those of you who don't know, Three six Mafia used to be called Triple six Mafia, 666, the calling card of the devil. They used to outright declare their worship to the devil, now they hide it within the music. They changed their name up for people to think, maybe its 36 not three 6's. Nope its the latter. Where you're not quite sure what they said, but they say it. They draw you in with hot beats and because people don't listen to music anymore, you get caught up. Before you realize it, their message is ingrained in you. I think the city of Memphis has it the hardest. Because Three Six Mafia is from Memphis, their music is played there 24/7. Make sure you know what you are listening to. There's an email circulating now about the message in their music. I haven't seen it, but I've heard about it. I'm just saying what I know. Even after gaining this knowledge people will still listen to it. Just know you're helping to spread their message of Satanic worship. If you're OK with that, that's between you and Lord God above.

I've been saying that all along

Been moving in so many directions lately I haven't had a chance to sit down and write about anything. I've been trying to focus and things are movin.... at their own pace. I'm doing my part and handling things as they come.

Last week at church a speaker named Myles Monroe came taught about potential. Oh my goodness! It was off the chain! I want to share my notes but I haven't had the time to type them up, but when I do they'll be up. It was so inspirational. Made me feel like I couldn't just sit in one place. That I have to be doing something to fill up my day at all times. So that's what I have been doing.

I went and saw the Madea movie twice. It was really good. Better than the first one, I think. I think I just hated seeing Shamar Moore with those fake braids.

My sister has been telling people I'm really "deep" these days. I thought she was being sarcastic and making fun of me, but she told me she really meant it. I don't mean to get too serious on folks, I still love to laugh, but I've been thinking about some really deep things lately. Staying focused. It's good to make other people think about the choices they're making. Now I'm thinking about the choices I'm making. I've went with the flow for so long, it's time for me to make things happen. I always end up flowing into trouble.

Me and my big cousin have been getting really close lately. I see how much she wants someone to just listen to her. I believe one of my purposes of coming here is to bring change and bring hope. Things will change in a radical way.

Sidebar: I CANNOT believe Three-six Mafia won an OSCAR for "It's hard out here for a pimp". Now I know the world is coming to an end when a group representing the devil win's an award about pimpin. It's gotta be the end.

Is there a doctor in the house?

This business thing is starting to become a lil bit overwhelming. I ain't no quitter though. We gone make it!

Comin round that mountain

Updates: I didn't make it to Arkansas because we got hit with an ice storm, but I got news that my grandmother made a complete turn for the better after her surgery. Praise God! I think my aunts and uncles want to sue the retirement home for neglect because she has bed sores.

I've been hanging out with my lil cousin J, Farah's daughter. She needs some guidance because Farah is way too hard on her. She just needs someone to talk to where she doesn't feel like she's gonna get in trouble for what she's done.

I've been praying for Farah to see what kind of child she has and get rid of that fear in her heart. J has basically shut down to her mother because she's afraid of her. And Farah has become a dictator because she's afraid of what might happen to her daughter. It comes across as evil instead of love.

I guess I'm the bridge because I know both sides of the story. As hard as J has it now, it's not as bad as her mother had it. Her mother thinks she's doing well because she's not as hard on her kids as her parents were on her. It's not working out. J is starting to rebel and put herself in dangerous situations. Even though she is a good girl, if she puts herself in those positions she will get caught up.

I realize that I've gone through my crap to help someone else. I had to reveal some deep secrets to her just for her to see the severity of the situation. In church on Sunday my heart just began to hurt for her. So I prayed. It's all good now.

Can you just be silent?

Vegas was lovely. To some people's disappointment I didn't do the regular stuff you're expected to do when you go there. Didn't really see the sights that much, it was all about the business. I went to a fashion trade show called the Magic Show. I ate well though.

My phone gets turned off the day before I leave. I paid the bill only to find that I got NO service in my room.

Mission 1. Find a place to get service in Vegas.

On Tuesday, we get up but are late to the show because my cousin Farah doesn't know the meaning of "on time" or "time management" for that matter. Also along for the ride are her husband, his business partner Brother Frank, Frank's wife and 1 yr. old daughter. Now for some reason Frank doesn't think that we are on this trip for the same reason that he is so he asks if his wife can roll with us. Farah's like, "I'm not here to baby-sit some grown woman." Despite all that, Frank's wife tried to keep up with us, but I think we ran her into the ground. She stayed in the hotel for the rest of the week. If it hadn't been for the baby she would have been alone the whole time. Good thing there was an amusement park and circus in our hotel.

Bonus of the day: we found that we could get free breakfast and lunch at this one accessories show. Fully packed delicious lunches. Another bonus being that you get all kinds of free bags at these shows.

Mission 2: Get all the free stuff you can.

Now with all the people there, there were so many fine-lookin males all up and through there. I had to resist temptation. That was not the point of my trip. Plus, there's no reason to get distracted while out of town. I had to keep my sexy to a minimum and put on my business face. I attempted to keep from staring because holding the gaze for more than 2 seconds is flirting.

Mission 3: Stay focused.

Now Farah had a problem with Bro. Frank from before this trip. She feels like he's always in competition with her for her husband's attention. Every time Bro. Frank entered the room there was a noticeable scowl on Farah's face. She would constantly be telling him off and he'd say,"That's why I love you Farah! You just real!" Throughout the week this man became my spiritual sandpaper, consistently rubbing me the wrong way. His incessant talking, always volunteering information that is neither necessary nor interesting. He made me feel like he was patronizing me when talking because of my age, sex and lack of life experience. That's a pet peeve of mine. I can't stand when people treat me like I'm stupid. Then he would act all surprised when I knew something.

I felt mad insecurity coming from him because of the way he uses all these unnecessary and sometimes made up words to make himself sound intelligent which only made him sound ignorant. Another way he would try to make himself sound intelligent is by quoting the Bible. I have to give him props on that the man knows his Bible. Either that or he was just quoting the scriptures he knows. Before I get on him too badly, I have no doubt that the man is real with his relationship with the Lord because he is quick to humble himself and ask forgiveness when he feels he's made a mistake. I believe that's the conviction of the Lord. But the tension between he and Farah made it so uncomfortable that I was SO grateful I had my OWN room to retreat to. By the end of the week I was sick of all of 'em.

Mission 4: Keep my sanity and keep the peace.

Everyday was exhausting. Waking up at 6am to get out to the shows and walk around all day, carrying heavy bags and talking to people until 6pm. At the beginning of the week I was trying to be business-like and one day I actually wore heels. By the end of that day I was in flats and by the end of the week I was in sneakers.

When I get tired I get cranky so that might explain why Bro. Frank was getting to me by the end of the week. I was wiped out by the time I got home.

Highlights:

It was really exciting being the ground floor of a business. I saw what it would be like to have my own business. It started not to matter to me whether I got the call from the other place. Even though it would be a wonderful salary and experience, if what I'm looking for in a career is the opportunity to advance then this definitely it. I can be creative and Farah values my opinion which is great! When we start making some real money, I'll have to start negotiating my salary. Right now I'm paying off my plane ticket and hotel fee.

I feel blessed that Farah believes in me. That's all I need. I believe in her too which is why I don't mind helping her get off the ground. She gave me a lotta responsibility with helping to pick the merchandise in the store. Meaning if it doesn't sell, it's on me.

The experience of being at this trade show was awesome. It was a fashionista's dream! So many clothes. My eyes could barely take it all in.

I got a call from my mother saying that my baby missed me. She was saying all sad,"Auntie Kikaa". Awwww. I guess it came from us staying home sick together last week. It's so sad to see a sick baby. All she would do is lay on my lap, she would barely even eat. It hurt my heart. She was better in a couple days though. My sister and I taught her to do the "Maniac" dance from Flashdance. She's good at it!

I love traveling. It's so nice to see somewhere new for a change. I'd never been to that side of the country before.

The only starrahs I saw were Kid Capri and Sugar Hill Gang. Tiff told me to keep that to myself, but hey whatever.

I found that I could get some service by my window and in between the two hotel beds.

All in all, it was a good time.

When you see that sign, you betta yield

I been goin goin goin lately. I'm working with my cousin at her hair salon. We're working on a plan to organize the business and increase sales. So I'm half working for her, half working as her partner because she's given me a lotta control. My main battle is getting her on some type of schedule because time management is a big problem for her. This woman does not know the meaning of "on time". If she tells me she's on her way it could be anywhere between half an hour to three. You never can tell...BUT you know you have at least 30 mins.

Man, so many things have come into my mind lately. Like how I am not a teenager anymore. Funny it took me almost three years to get that in my head. Just yesterday I felt it. The generation gap. I look at my cousins and I see I am not in that generation. I here myself thinking things like where do these kids get this stuff? We did not do that when I was in high school! And if we did, we were much more under wraps about things...These kids are wild. I am officially, like, old. I've always had an old soul, but I felt young. Now, I'm feeling the adulthood. Maybe its just maturity.

This begins my week of travel. We are going to Arkansas to check on my grandmother. Pray for us on that. My mom's been really introverted about this whole thing. She doesn't disclose her feelings to anyone or at least not me. I've been trying to ask her about it, so that she doesn't keep everything in. Now my grandma has not been doing well and this is the way I think of it: If she feels like she is ready to leave this Earth, I don't want them to keep her on machines against her will. Of course I never want my grandma to die, but that's just not reality. I just pray God's will be done.

When we leave AR to come back here, I leave for VEGAS! Exciting I know...
So I need to pack. Thank God I'm getting away from this bitter cold weather! And I should really go to bed because I have to wake up early in the morning. SO this is it for awhile. I'll send any updates through Tiff. Like if I see any starrrahss.

Watch God work. Jus watch Him....

I had an experience with God this weekend that tops all my other experiences. I went to something like a retreat at my cousin's church called The Encounter. This one was for college age students and most of the people there went to Oral Roberts University. I went in real cool because that's how I do things, but I knew I couldn't alienate myself. I ended up seeing some people I knew from high school which is a plus. The Encounter lasted 3 days and even though I went home every night, I wanted to sleep as soon as I got there. We were put on a media fast for the weekend so that no outside influences would be in our system, meaning no phone, no internet, no music, no tv.

So during this weekend there were 10 sessions, covering everything from committment to love to sex to forgiveness. It's amazing how well rounded it was, but when God is leading he tells you everything you need to know. On several occassions the facilitator of the moment would tell everyone to "just start praying in the spirit" and everyone would begin to speak in "toungues". Now to "speak in toungues" is like speaking in a divine language, no one else can understand it. It's said to be a gift and it's also a gift to be able to interpret it which very few people can do. I'd never spoken in toungues so I figured that just wasn't my gift or I had never really recieved the holy spirit or to be honest I didn't know if people were faking it or not. There I am in a room full of people my age just outright speaking in toungues (I didn't even know it was possible to just go into it like that) and I just worship the way I know how...Thank you Jesus, Hallelujah... ya know the regular stuff.

I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to learned these lessons that were taught. The people teaching were truly annointed. I was sitting there so excited wishing all my friends were there because I KNOW they would have enjoyed it.

I got through Friday and Saturday then on Sunday we had one more session before church began. The facilitator taught this wonderful message about being armed with the Word of God so that we are able to fight the enemy. And I'm thinking this was a great weekend but I ain't get this whole "Encounter" with God that everyone was talking about. Then he calls for everyone to start "praying in the spirit" again. I do my thing, Thank you Jesus, Hallelujah. Then he says, "If anyone hasn't spoken in toungues and wants to recieve the gift come to the front right now." You know when God is speaking to you. There is no way I could have stayed in my seat after that.

I made my way to the front slowly. A guy ushered me to pray with one of the facilitators, student from ORU. She was a small girl with long black hair. So I took her hands, Hallelujah, Thank you Jesus. She starts speaking in toungues and before I know it tears are streaming and words I don't know are coming out of my mouth. After awhile something said, 'Ok that's enough you can sit down now. She says,"This is your gift. Don't stop." And it feels like God is pulling everything out of me. Everything I was struggling with, scared of, praying about. In the midst of it I'm yelling and speaking in toungues alternating between the two until I can't stand up. I sat on the floor just worshipping. It was like it was just me and God. The most personal thing I have ever experienced. I heard God say, "You don't EVER have to stop."

Autobiography

She is the best thing you never had
When she finds what she wants, she is relentless in pursuit
Behind her guarded exterior lies a heart
that can hold more love than the Atlantic Ocean
The 7 letters in her name keep a divine secret
The barrier can be broken with a single embrace
from the one she loves
Misunderstood, misinterpreted and misrepresented
She knows her worth still
Far more than rubies, diamonds and pearls
In search of someone who can stroke her silken hair
Who knows the depths of Jesus' love
and able to give freely of himself to only she
Eyes that hold the innocence of a child
Lips that can make a grown man blush
Put a stutter in his step and a rise in his.....
well you know
Intellect that would stun you
The playfulness of a teenager
Hope for all mankind sometimes leaves her vulnerable
so she retreats
to a place where no one can hurt her
But the Lord is sure to bring her out
because the world needs her love
Speaking truths too bold for some
and leaving others still with the mystery
To get to the sweet center
you have to crack the hard shell
Everything about her is understated
Afraid if she were to let go she might explode
Afraid of all she is capable of
Afraid of her potential
Knowing she is capable of all things
But does she believe?
The dawning of a new day
when she becomes more than she expected
In her weakness HE is made perfect

Come with me

I had a day full of revelations. I was watching Coretta Scott King's home-going celebration on TVOne and I found myself captivated by all of the speakers. The service was so God filled. I could feel it from the television. And the pinnacle was when her daughter Elder Bernice King gave her mother's eulogy.

You could tell it was hard for her but she pushed through and gave a powerful message. While talking about the person her mother was she preached. With her mothers' death became the end of an era. When Mrs. King died she let go and passed the torch to the rest of us. She preached that we let the "world" tell how us to live, govern our nations and raise our children and it is leading to destruction. It is time for God's children to rise up and start teaching God's message.

I've been hearing that same message for a while now. Rise up. Speak out. Time to step up. I'm praying I will be able to when it is time.

While at Border's I picked up Juanita Bynum's book No More Sheets. I think I read half the book in half an hour. But it convicted me and gave me some realizations about what I'd been telling myself. I think my cousin has the video. I'm gonna try and get that from her.

I was talkin to my friend Aaron today, he asked me to be his Valentine. I was planning on forgetting about the day altogether, but hey whatever. It went something like this:

Him: So do you have a Valentine?
Me: No
Him: You wanna be my Valentine?
Me: Sure, what does that mean?
Him: How are you gonna be someone's Valentine and you don't know what it means?
Me: Well I've never had one so I don't know what that means
Him:Oh
Me: So what does it mean?
Him: I just wanted someone I could say Happy Valentine's Day to and then I could say I have a Valentine.
Me: Yeah aight.
Him: You gone make me blush. I'm red right now.
Me: LOL

I forgot in my haste that I did have ONE Valentine. Of course it was Tiffani.......She got me chocolates and made me a card. It was the best. But that should be an easy one to top. I don't even know what day its on. That's how dedicated I was to forgetting. Now that I got a Valentine, I gotta find out when it is. Daggone obligations.

Walk on by

I ain't got too much to say lately. I'm tryin to stay away from too much tv. Still waitin on some news. Stayin in touch with folks.

Masochist

I am a masochist
Loving to be hurt, continuing the cycle of pain
you let me go and I run back for more
almost made me believe I was insane
manipulated me and twisted my words to the point
that I didn't even know what I was saying
Bared my soul and told you how I feel
and I was left frostbitten
You absorbed it all and gave nothing
but you took all I would give
and I would give it all
I have to be a masochist
asking for the pain
knowing the risk, I give you permission to do this
praying you would see I love you more than I hurt
No one understood why I kept running back
I wasn't able to define it until now
You're able to do what I can't
Made me someone I wanted to be
When it's you and me
I'm secure, wanted, beautiful
I laugh from my belly. I am happy
Without you, I am not. Not for long
You have no idea what I would not do for you
Then I became someone no one knew
not even me
I know why now
Living a lie was better than nothing at all
From here on I want truth
no longer living in the dark
But I want you to come with me
I will be the woman I claimed to be
You be the man I know you can be
I wanted truth but wasn't giving truth
You do reap what you sow
There is my epiphany
So if we were able to begin sowing truth
would we be able to reap truth?
Would that be a new beginning?
Could we begin again?
again, again, again
I ask for the pain
But without the pain I would not know joy
again, again, again
I ask for your love

complicated melody

I wish I had something to keep my mind busy. I guess I could be studying my Word huh? I got a call from the job that I want. I guess they were doing a pre-screening or something. Now I should know by next week if I have an interview or the job or what. I'm praying, praying, praying because this is an opportunity to go somewhere. I know that if I don't get it that its not my only opportunity, but I'm not even gonna act like I won't be disappointed. Cus I will be. VERY. I'm looking for a career, not another job.

At this point there are basically two things always nawing at my brain. Neither productive. One makes me worry, the other makes me sad. Resist temptation! I'm trying to be patient with my family. I'm not doing a very good job. My sister feels like she knows everything about me when she knows nothing. I feel like I'm everyone's gofer. Kita do this, Kita do that. Who am I? Cinderella?! No sir, I am not.

I am sooo excited about Vegas and now Milyaka is coming. Now, we don't do badly when we go on trips together only when we're visiting one another. So this is gonna be a good time.

I try to be nice but some people just make you be mean to them. For example, when they text you at 6am and then wonder why you don't like them.

I usually feel the same way about my movies as I do about music. I can only buy something that I can listen to or watch over and over again. I think I was a bit premature with Closer. I bought it because its different from most movies, but its a bit graphic to be watchin at anytime. You gotta be in the mood for it.

What am I gonna pack to go to Vegas? I feel like starting now.

I'm feeling random now. I do crazy things when I'm feeling random. Resist temptation!

I wrote a poem about myself. I feel like I just wrote my autobiography. It was an interesting collaboration of thoughts.

Oh you know.....

Highlights of my day:
Dave Chappelle is gonna be on Oprah today!
That Sanaa Lathan movie comes out today!
Listening to India.Arie!

Goals:
To listen to Amel Larrieux's Bravebird for free. I think I wanna buy it.
Yeah that's about it.

She's so tanasty...

I'm currently filling out this form for a job I will be interviewing for. Putting my most favorable traits out there first. I know I can do anything, but of course I tend to come across non-chalant or indifferent. What I need to show them is that I really want this job and I really do. I just don't wanna jump down their throats. The best part of it is....its not in OKLAHOMA!!! YAY! But if its not meant for me to leave here, I won't get the job. I think I have had enough desperation to let them know I really want this job and able to do it well.

Some guy asked me for directions to the Barnes and Nobles across from the mall. I knew I'd been to the Barnes and Nobles but I couldn't think about where it was. Then he just asked me where the mall was. I was like, "Oh you just go straight down this street and you'll hit it." This is, I think I sent him to the wrong mall.....Oh well I think there's a Barnes and Nobles by that one too. I hope he wasn't meeting someone.

I SAID I'd take care of it!

That is it! I am no longer open to any criticism about me, my life, my character, the way I say things, the way I don't say things, what I like, dislike, want or need. I'm done. I've been way too open to hear what others think is wrong about me. If I continue to let what people say affect the way I operate I will no longer be me. I am able to discern the difference between when people are coming from a loving place when they say things to me and when they are coming from a place that is not right. I know because when I hear something that is true about myself I feel convicted. But when people start to tell me stuff and I feel attacked or just plain sad and I know I've made an effort not to be hurtful......I'm just not taking that anymore. I am not a bad person! I know this and lately that's how I've been made to feel. Take me as I am or leave me alone. And if you have criticism for me or anyone else, make sure its coming from love and not anything else or it will not be recieved.

Leave it to me, I'll take care of it

I've been sick the past few days, so all I've been doing is trying to sleep. Tiff called me today and said, "Ew you sound congested. That is not sexy!" and I said,"I know. When will I be sexy again?"

Been wrapped up in my blankets, drinking tea and watching movies. I'm still applying but I would hate to have a phone interview sounding like this. EW.

I talked to Larry on the phone last night for like 3 hours. We had a lotta catching up to do. Even though I lived with him, the last time I talked to him was about 3 months ago. He confessed some things about my behavior that he didn't like and now that I'm not there I guess he felt like it was OK to say.....I keep telling everyone what I learned last week. I feel like I had a real moment of clarity.

Even though now I am glad to be here, it feels so good to know that people are feeling the void. Theres nothing like knowing you are missed. I got this message on facebook from one of my former co-workers and I almost started to cry:

I know I was sad when you left too. The woman that use to come in there and tell you to go home came in there one day and we was telling her that it was her fault that you left. We were all just playing around though. Anyways school is fine. I'm happy that it has started back because I get real lazy and unfocused during the break. Im fine too. I just wanted to see how you were doing and let you know that we all miss you. I hope you find a good job girl. I know I am tired of Ross and all of its drama. Well Good luck with everything and keep your head up. Keep inspiring people and setting positive examples for people. I really respect you for that. Keep in touch. Nicole


That is so beautiful. I never think I have an influence, I just be doing me. No time to be fake.

I've been writing poetry lately. I don't know where this sudden spark came from. I've never been a poetess before. Seems like everyone writes poetry though. Whether its good or not is the question. I try not to take it too deep with metaphors and crap, but I find myself not wanting to make it too generic. How do you write it without getting over complicated or being too simplistic? Say what you gotta say and leave it alone.

Oh yes, I must mention...People are killing me with all these texts. I do not have free texts! Y'all trying to make my bill sky high. Wait till you can call and if you have PCS to PCS just call! That includes Nextel too! So please stop sending me these forwards...cus I'm not forwarding them to 10, 12 and 14 people. I can't afford it.

I'm back to having all these weird dreams again. I don't know where they come from or if they have any foundation. Gotta get on that dream journal.....

Going to make a sandwich now.

Been a long time since I seen you

Let's start with this: God cannot change your desires. Not because he doesn't have the power but because he gave us free will. You have to take a step towards him first and he will help you along the way. Why? Because it means more to Him when you make the choice to come to Him rather than being forced to do so. I hope you are continuing your fast and I pray for your strength. Even though I know I cannot help you, I hope you find someone who can.


I've finally got my own flat iron! I've been mooching off my friends for so long and now I got my own. Feels good. I don't suffer from the 'fluffies' anymore. I know how much Adrianne hated my fluffy hair, its much better now homie.

Speaking of Adrianne, I forgot to include her in my best friends post. She is not to be forgotten. She is a great friend. One who fed me when I had no food and never let me go out looking crazy. She never hestitates to give you anything you need and puts most people before herself. My bunny! Even though I sometimes wanna stomp her down because she's too grown for her own good, I still love her.

I think me and my sister are making progress in our relationship. That's a good feeling.

I'm trying to ween myself off of secular music. All I listen to are old and new love songs and that is making me depressed. I know its gonna be hard, but I'm getting there.

Peace be with you

Tiff gave me this verse today:

For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. Colossians1:9

And I'm keeping this one with me:

Not that I have already obtained this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself taking hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 3:12-14

I'm pressin on y'all. It ain't easy.

You can't win and you can't get out of the game

So. I went to my father's 47th birthday party. Didn't wanna be there in the first place but you could see the happiness in his eyes once I got there. It was disgusting. His outfit woulda been almost tasteful if it had not been for all the ghetto gold he had on.

My sister and her friends had been there for awhile. I'd asked Milyaka's roomate and now my friend Sarah to give me a ride there since she was going that way for one reason. If I had to be alone with my father for more than 15 mins I would have been forced to go off on him. At least I was thoughtful enough not to ruin his party....

Boy was this club a hole in the wall. And they played some of the worst music I've ever heard in my life. It was just ridiculous! Just to give u a taste of the lyrics one of the songs said, "You ain't the only one I'm giving some". Then there was a version of Twist and Shout that went something like this, "Come on homies, grab your shorty and do it like this." I think I heard Johnny Taylors' Down Home Blues more than I've ever wanted to. But when they played Marvin Gayes' Distant Lover, oh boy was I in heaven.

I love to watch people, especially at clubs and stuff. Oooh this one dude had to be at least 60 got out the dance floor and started doing these James Brown moves. Best part of the night!

This guy told me his name was "Uncle Danny" then proceeded to molest my sister while asking her to dance. Did he not realize if he was my "uncle" he was hers too? Then my dad seeing that everyone had danced but me asked me to dance with him even though I had turned him down numerous times before. This is the kicker, he asked me to dance to "Bump and Grind"! I looked at him in disbelief and said, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Then I turned to my sister's friend and said,"Did my FATHER just ask me to dance to BUMP AND GRIND? Is he trying to screw me up for LIFE?!!" I'll give him this benefit, he probably just wanted to two-step or something but that is way beyond traumitizing.

Then they had the nerve to have an after-party! At another club which was actually a house someone had turned into a club. A skinny old guy from the party said, "Who's house IS this?"

My father threw me off for a second. He asked me if I had any money in my pocket. I thought he was about to ask me for some money. I'm like, NO, which was also true. My father actually gave me 20 bucks which I took because who knows when he'll give me any other money?

The deal breaker came when he was talking to my sister's friends about his upcoming wedding. I'm glad he wasn't talking to me because that woulda sent me over the edge. I had to ask them to repeat that for me. I'm not going to that crap! This is 3rd wedding! Better chalk it up and go to the justice of the peace!

Now I had to wash my hair because it smelled like a chimney. He coulda kept that. I'm not glad I went.

Where's the Beef?

Congratulations sister on your promotion! Now you can take me shopping!!

Today is my father's birthday party thing. I don't want to go for several reasons. 1) I don't want to go some whack OK club or club period 2) I don't want to give him the false impression that everything is cool between us 3) I don't wanna get into a public fight.

My sister made me call him on 3-way yesterday. He found out that I was in Norman which is close to OK City and volunteered to pick me up. I cringed and said,'Nah that's aight.'

I guess my sister is buying him some clothes or shoes for him birthday. He asks,'Hey, now what kind of shoes are you trying to get?' I say,'Don't worry about it. Anything would be better than what you would get.' He thought I was kidding. He says,'What you trying to say? I can't dress?' I say, 'Yes.'

These things come out like that word vomit from Mean Girls. I just can't hold in the rudeness. Plus anything he does right now irritates me. I have to remind myself that he is my father and I love him. Its getting really hard because I'm bitter and angry. Praying about it as we speak.

Eat the cake Anna Mae!

So yeah I decided to break my last post into two because I had more to say about my best friend. She is one of the most amazing people I know. I think I owe most if not all of my self esteem to her. She never hestistates to tell me I'm the greatest person on Earth. I feel the same way about her. Because I've known her for almost 9 years, I know the good things and the bad things and I love her just the same.

I wanted to talk about my best friends. Milyaka, Tiffani and I even include Chris in this because he knew me in different way than they will ever know me because....... he is a guy. On a man-woman level.

I have always thanked God for Milyaka and Tiff because they keep me sane. Milyaka and I are totally different, but we've always understood each other because God has made it so that the same events have happened in our lives to keep us connected. She knows me and accepts who I am fully. But me and Tiff, we are just alike. We think the same, we say the same things. We still joke that we share a brain. People used to trip that we didn't even have to talk sometimes to communicate. She also accepts who I am fully.

From Milyaka I have learned sensitivity, tolerance and love. From Tiffani I have learned strength, honesty and openness, letting people know when they get on your nerves. From Chris I learned about boundaries, demanding respect, making Godly decisions and openness, letting people know when you care. I feel bad that most of the stuff I learned from him comes from negative things that I have had to turn into positive things.

The main criticism I get is that I don't correct things once I'm told about them. I think its mostly because of my bad memory. That's why I say charge it to my head and not my heart. Honestly I don't mean to do things again and again, but it happens. God has been teaching me some of the same lessons for years now. How could I expect it to be different with people?

Through this week I've learned that God had to take me out of VA to show me what was really going on in my life. Thank God I was able to listen this time. God took Milyaka out of the loop so that I could get closer to Tiff. God took Chris out of the loop so I could get closer to HIM. It's all about sacrifice for the greater glory. Amen.

I wrote something for my best friends.

Dynamic soul, truly individual
Words of wisdom you've often spoken
A hard head keeps you bound
Hot temper leads you where you don't want to be
Admired and held on a pedestal by most outsiders
And even those closest to you
We have a bond no one can break or match
Cherished sisterhood and souls that understand one another
Speaking a language unknown to others
People watch us with envy
As if they peer through a window watching us laugh
Wishing to be apart of our joy
I know the puzzle that is you
Because it is also me
God knew I would need you
He made it so that we would meet.

Here we go...climbing the stairway to Heaven

::edit::

Yesterday, Milyaka finally talked about everything. I knew it was going to come out soon, it was bound to happen. We talked about the last few blogs I wrote with her in it. She didn't like her portrayal, but that's the way I felt. I almost had to pull it out of her to get her to explain why she was acting the way she was. She actually asked me WHY I was her friend. She was upset about us not being able to spend any time together while I was here and when she would ask me to do something I was already doing something with one of her other friends. She felt that if I'd made any plans with anyone else I should drop them if she came up with something for us to do. I told her I didn't want her to stop her life just because I was here and if she couldn't be around that I would find something else to do. Her friends started to call me and present me with plans so I just was like,"OK, sure". She actually revealed to me that years ago one of her other close friends said I don't know why y'all are friends. And that made her question our friendship in turn because she was already thinking it. But people would say that all the time because we are so different.

When it comes down to it, she told me she knows that she is a high maintainence friend and I'm such a low maintainence friend that she's afraid I'll get sick of her and stop being there for her. Now this is where it hurts. I'm a late reactor so it didn't hit me right then. But as I thought about it, knowing that she's best friend I've got and her doubting our friendship.....It hit me at my core. By my mannerisms, people often think I feel less than I do. I thought after knowing me for eight years, Milyaka just knew I never felt any different. I was completely wrong. As I often am. But there is no way, NO WAY, I would ever give up on her. Because I don't give up on people I love. EVER.

We also talked about those times she keeps referring to in VA. Because everytime she came we had to re-evaluate our friendship. And she felt she had not seen the change in me since we'd talked about these things for years. Now I must say this is not the first time I'd heard this criticism. I heard it repeatedly from Chris. In my defense, I feel like I am not the only one that needs to change. I told Milyaka that I promised to work on it, but if you do the same things over and over again you're gonna get the same reaction. And things do take time. If there is one thing I am, its open to criticism and self improvement. It takes me minute to get it, but I don't do it on purpose. I say charge it to my head and not my heart because I don't mean to offend.

While talking to Milyaka, I saw sooo many similarities between her and Chris. Like its almost amazing how many things they do the same. In fact, she now loves him because she feels like they are the same person. Which is why I felt like I knew a lot about him when I met him. But the differences are that Milyaka is willing to accept criticism about herself and try to change, she will never give up on me, she understands me and she has patience with me. All that because she loves me. Plus she has the conviction of God. Even if I don't tell her when she's wrong, she knows because God lets her know. I knew exactly when Chris gave up on me and never let me back in. I can't say I blame him. I made it really hard. But the biggest thing is that he did not love me therefore he did not have patience with me. It's just the truth and something I have accepted that.

We talked up until 7am! Catching up, talking about old stuff. I knew that was going to have to happen. We even talked about last year when we didn't talk much. I was going through some spiritual battles and she couldn't watch me go through that. I was putting myself through devastation. Thats hard to see when you know where someone came from and what they are capable of. I may not outwardly express myself like others can, but I hurt and love just as deeply if not more than most. I still believe that side is not to be seen by all, but is still important to show that side to people who are important to me.

Tell me something I don't know.....really I'd like to know

So Milyaka keeps mentioning her trips to VA comparing it to this one. I honestly didn't know it was as horrible as she's making it sound. She could be over dramatizing it and she probably is but it still sucks. The first time, I couldn't stop my life in school just as she can't stop her life now and I don't expect her to. And the second time she came was because I was in crisis. Just like a best friend would she actually got on a plane and came to my rescue. The only thing was with me going through something the last thing I wanted was to be stuck in the house. I think she just wanted to sit there and catch up but I wanted to get my my mind off whatever had happened to me. Everywhere I went I asked if she wanted to go. If you say you don't want to go, don't be mad when you don't go. That's our main issue. But that's still my homie till the end. I can't wait till we can stop talking about the past and get to having fun. She's just not used to having me here, so she's hugging me every five mins. I'm not too keen on PDA people. Plus its so funny because she's talked about me so much that when I meet new people its like,"THIS IS MY BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!" And its flattering but I feel like she's announcing me like I'ma superstar and then people look at me like'........So this is it? She's not that special.......' So I just feel like I have to live up to that.



On a totally different note, I'm watching The Notebook. Last night I saw Pride and Prejudice. The characteristic on spotlight is : PERSISTANCE. I was talking to Tiff about how our generation has a lack of tolerance for anything that takes time. If it doesn't happen quickly or when we want it to we give up or move on to something else. Sometimes it takes months or years for things to manifest and we hardly have the patience to wait for results. Perhaps the characteristic is : PATIENCE. We talked about that in Bible Study too. That we expect quick results from God when his time is not our time. What may be a day to us is just a second to Him. I just feel that if you feel like something is worth it, you don't give up. At least not until you know its not meant to be. It's all the more rewarding when you see it come to fruition.

It's not about YOU

Basically all I've been doing today is a lotta repetitive things. Meticulously fixing my Xuqa and facebook profiles, I watched The Best Man twice, washed the dishes, running some errands and not much else.

Been thinking about something lately. Tiffani's friend who I talked to a couple times on the phone. I didn't know he read my page therefore I never censored myself. If I'd known I might have possibly said the same thing but in a different way. I've been told I was rude for saying I was not interested in him. While its still the truth, I'd like to clarify. Nothing against him personally, I'm not interested in anyone. I did enjoy our conversations, but I thought it was clear we were only to be friends.....I do apologize if it came across that way. I just wrote it the way it came out. He probably really thinks what Tiffani has said about me is true now. However, I have not taken the time to call because 1) everytime I think about it, its too late to call 2) nothing to talk about 3) don't really feel like talking on the phone. I don't know if that makes it any better but that's the way it is. I do feel bad though.

Milyaka has felt the need to send her friends to baby-sit me. I feel insulted. I don't need a baby-sitter. I don't need to be entertained. Usually I find something to do, Ima loner anyway. I'm used to it. And I'm easily amused. Plus her friend has left her laptop over here for the better part of the week so I'm really good. I'm a grown woman dog. I guess I can appreciate her effort.

Tomorrow, I plan to go to a career fair with Milyaka's roomate. Funny how I hated them at Hampton. I'll just see what they have to offer. Nothing to lose right?

I wonder if talk show hosts like Oprah and Montel ever get tired of talking. It's always hard to understand something you're not. I get tired of talking all the time. Sometimes there's nothing better than the sounds of silence.

You make it hard for women like me.....

I had a super fun day! Even though I got a late start in the day, I was still running off the high from yesterday.I joined that thing called Xuqa. I have no idea why. Its just one more thing to look at on the internet.

When Milyaka got home from class her friends Shannon, Ashley and Tiffany came over and we started discussing the pageant Shannon is in next week. She's so expressive, I'm sure she will do well. She plans to take it all, no second place for Shannon. Then we all went to this vintage store to look for a costume for her talent portion. She's doing Miss Celie's Blues from The Color Purple. I had to comment that my friend Adrianne did the same song for the Miss Hampton pageant and warned her to be careful that her feather boa doesn't get in the way of her mic. And I must also mention that Adrianne was severely cheated in that pageant. She did so well.

Anyway, the vintage store was really cool but too expensive for my budget. Me being the go with the flow type of gal I am, I just went with the flow that led to this gospel music class that Shannon was trying to get into and that Ashley was already apart of. Oh it was sooo much fun! We had to make up new variation of a song. Make it our own. My group did 'This little light of mine'. By far the best song of the class. Then we sang a few more songs and I was singled out to ad lib a lil of the song. It wasn't the best but it felt good. I almost went into worship! But Milyaka's friend Ashley! She looks like a Black version of Reese Witherspoon. Although fair skinned, still Black. She has an amazing voice.

Shannon and I bonded throughout this experience, exchanged phone numbers and everything. Then the cherry on the dessert is that I went to see Pride and Prejudice with Milyaka's roomate Sarah. Oh this movie was sooo beautiful. It was awesome. This day has made me use words that I don't even use like "super-fun" and "awesome". Even though I didn't get to spend that much time with Milyaka, I really like her friends. That was one of my fears about coming back here, not liking her friends. They are all so expressive and they are all so helpful towards one another, but they know where to draw boundaries. I had a great time today. I think what made this day so good for me is because I haven't this good a time since I was back in VA.

The opposite of love is selfishness

The more I am in OK, the more I see the reason I was meant to be here. The first week, I was sulking, the second week I was numb now comes acceptance. I'm glad to be down here with some people my own age who are also seeking God. I realize I had to get away from some influences in VA. Not that my friends aren't great. God knows I love my friends. I just tend to want to do things I shouldn't when I am with them. Before I left VA I did some things that were definitely not Godly. And to be totally honest I don't really regret them, but I know that I am ten times happier and better off when I am in God's will. And in no way is it my friends' fault when I sin because it is a decision. You make a choice to sin. God gives us free will to decide whether we want to be His or the enemy's. I've made the wrong choice plenty of times.

This was brought to my attention because I attended the Bible study led by my best friend and it really just feels good to talk about the Word. I've known for years now that the place I am most happy is in the Church. For years I have chosen to do what I want to do and not always what I should do. I just hope that when God has spoken to people through me that those messages have not been lost because of things I have done. I remember speaking some real truth to people and those things are still true, but because they have seen me sin that may have been lost.

In no way do I claim to be perfect. And sometimes I don't even try to do right. But I know that I am supposed to be a powerful woman of God and the Devil has put people in my way to deter me from my destiny. I am still growing and Christ and I have to learn to make the right decisions. I also now understand its so much harder when there is no one to back you up or encourage you.

And although it gets harder to believe God forgives me everytime, its even harder for me to forgive myself. But I take all responsibility for my actions and I know its all apart of my testimony in the end.

Ima trackstar, cus I be runnin ni**as OVA!

So yeah....now I'm in Norman with Milyaka doing the same thing I was doing in Tulsa. Much of nothing but I still get to be around people my own age and possibly get out of the house.

Yesterday before I left I went to a kids' birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. Let me tell you! My neice gave such DIVA attitude! In the toddler corner they have lil stuff for the smaller kids. We put her on the slide and when it was time for some other kids to have a turn she threw such a fit. Fell out on the floor and everything. SO embarrassing! Then she saw a lil Barney ride where you sit next to Barney and it just goes up and down. She was so happy sittin next to Barney, that's her best friend. When we tried to pick her up she pushed our hands away, shaking her head.

Then she wanted to walk around the place like she owned it with her lil one foot self. Didn't want nobody to hold her hand. She's a mess.

My mom got me to get on this ride, it was like a roller coaster simulator. SO MUCH FUN!

SO, now I'm here. Trying not hit Milyaka over the head. Everything will be aight.

I think up these things in my sleep

So people look at my size and think that I have the secret to staying small or something. More than one person has asked me to be their workout coach. When did I become the person elected to be a drill sergeant? I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how I lost weight. If I had a choice I would be the same size I was when I came to college. Although I don't think anyone I know is the same size they were when they came to college. But people still ask me, "How do I lose weight?" And I say I dunno....I didn't make this happen on purpose. I think I'm just too lazy to gain weight. I rarely like to cook and rarely have money to eat out. Sometimes I find myself zoned out for so long thinking about what I'm going to eat that it gets too late and then I'm too tired to cook. Lately, I've been feeling that I like to be dressed before I eat and depending on when I finally get dressed that's when I eat. Then always of course if I start something I wanna finish so the eating thing gets away from me. It can get pretty late. And there you have it, your weight loss plan. Sounds like I don't eat much but when I do eat, I make it count. You'll never hear about me turning down a meal. A good meal that is. Or a Snickers bar. I want one right now.....

I can't understand you when you mumble.....

Oh boy, this is probably gonna be a quick post. My sister slyly slipped out of the house this morning and told my mother that I would keep the baby without telling me. Not that I mind keeping my neice, I just like to know when I am.
I was peacefully sleeping when my mom said, "Are you watching Araia?"
Still asleep I said, "No."
"Well, Shauna said you were."
"She ain't tell me."

It just irks me when people ask stuff they already know. My mom gone look at the baby and say, "You wanna stay with Auntie?" and I looked at her and said, "You don't have a choice, do you?" Then later on my sister calls and asks, "Is Araia there?" and I said, "Did you leave her here?" Like Araia was just gonna walk out on her own or something.......Goodness! As you can tell I had an attitude because they woke me up. I hate that!

Yesterday, I made the plan that I was getting out of the house. Tired of wearing a white tee, jeans and a ponytail, I got up and did my hair. I even put on some make-up. You gotta make yourself look glamourous sometimes, even if you don't feel it. I took the baby with me to see my cousin at her hair salon. I love my cousin Farah. She's like the big sister I never had. A nice one. We had a conversation like we'd never had before. Almost like we were peers. She was still teaching but I learned more about her. She looked at me when I came in and said, "You're growing up." Lately I look in the mirror and see a different person too. Farah always sees straight through me though. Like to everything I'm hiding. She's the only one that can do that. We always talk about everything I've been thinking about and she tells me exactly what I need to hear. I feel like God uses her to tell me what I need to know because I'm hard headed and she's one person I listen to.

She wants me to be someone like she has to me for her daughter Jahari since Jahari is her oldest child she doesn't have too many young women to look up to. Farah has always told me I remind her of herself and Jahari reminds me of myself. For awhile now I've wondered if Jahari is thinking about some of things I was thinking about when I was her age and would she tell me?
She's what? Fourteen? Which I can't believe either because I can remember when she was a baby. I actually changed her diapers! Given I was like 7 or 8 but I still remember.

I always get these life lessons when I talk to Farah and I still have so many questions. Still learning about how everything works. And her advice was to pray. Pray. So simple and still difficult.

Oh yeah! Milyaka is coming down this weekend and she wants me to come back to Norman with her. I guess I will because I don't have a job right now. Even though I hate Norman, if I don't go now I won't ever get to go. She insists she won't be able to make it if I don't come and promises she'll treat me better than I did when she came to VA. I told her its time to get over that. I'm sure I'll be ok because I'm not a NEEDY friend. It doesn't take much to please me. Well, its not that she's needy, just dramatic. Change that, she is needy but only when it comes to me. I don't know why. Then the icing on the cake is my father's party on Saturday. I wonder what he's gonna be wearing. The horror!!!

So I finally got the baby to take a nap. Maybe now I can fit in a shower? Here's hoping.

This is a public service announcement

Some things I forgot about this place while I was away.

• Hairpins are not safe around my mother. You have to know that hairpins are the foundation of almost every hairstyle I wear. This irks me to no end that there are boxes and boxes of Q-tips in the house and she chooses to use my hairpins. Thats so gross to have ear wax in your hair.
• My sister argues with her boyfriend on the phone everyday and they are LOUD. I look forward to the peace and quiet I get whent they leave for work.
• No one cooks here. They would rather order out than have some real food in the fridge.
• Its freezing cold out here. I can't believe my mom has the thermostat at 68 in 40 degree weather.
• My mother is addicted to Spider solitaire. Its the only thing on the computer she knows how to use. The computer is in my room and I have to kick her out when I want to go to sleep.
• I love my mom's shower. Its like a rainshower. Plus its the warmest place in the whole house.
• My mother's television only has two volumes, barely audible and deafeningly loud.

New discoveries

• My mom believes the baby is psychic.
• I've missed how stupid my sister is, I crack up at her daily.
• I love how we laugh at the baby, even though it is mean, its so FUNNY! Growing up is hard to do. She needs some friends around here, she's started hugging the television. The lil' monster can barely stand up right. The other day she was runnin so fast she ran into the vaccuum cleaner and it knocked her on her butt. She won't actually sit on her lil bike, she only plays with the outside features. She fought my sister and I when we tried to get her on the bike. Doing scissor kicks so she wouldn't have to sit on it.
• I missed the good burger joints around here. As soon as I get some money I'm gettin me a Rubicon potato and a super wet burrito (they're both as big as your head!). That's some good eating.

Not like crazy...

Ever since you kicked me out of your heart and mind there's been no anger in my heart towards you, only sadness. And I shall continue to be sad until you return to me. But I will let you do what you feel you need to do. And if you don't return to me...... it was incredible but it could have been so much better.

Confusion reigns over the world

I recently found out that someone I used to know passed away yesterday. Its truly a sad thing to find out that someone as young as I am gets their life cut so short. Now it seems that all the people on facebook that knew him have taken to putting his picture up on their profile in place of theirs. I honestly didn't realize who he was when I first saw it. Then the picture kept coming up more frequently among the people I actually know on facebook. I started to wonder, Did I know him? The more I looked as his picture the more familiar he started to look. Then it made me sad that I couldn't place him. I even called Milyaka to see if she knew him. She in fact did know him and supposedly so did I. This is the thing that bothers me, I start to wonder if all of the people that have been putting his picture on their profile knew him. I know that some people just jump on the bandwagon to be included. Its always sad to have lost a classmate or a peer, but I can't stand when people exploit it. I can't even pretend I knew him. I don't remember. Pray for my memory people. I don't know where my mind has gone. I don't remember too much about high school period. But I will pray for his close friends. I know if I lost one of my close friends I'd just about go crazy. I'm going crazy being this far from them right now. Please appreciate those who love you. You just never know. That being said, it is officially my father's birthday. I'll give him a call.......

All babies lie

It was interesting MLK holiday. I watched the Boondocks last night which set me up for the day. The setup was that Martin Luther King, Jr. didn't die the day he was shot in Memphis, but lapsed into a coma and woke up in 2000. Although there were some really blasphemous parts, it made you laugh and think about would he be happy at all with what we as African Americans are doing with our freedoms he and so many others fought for us to have.

I actually saw the original versions of one of my favorite movies Imitation of Life. It was originally made in 1934 and its the story of two mothers, one black, one white and their daughters. The black mothers daughter just so happens to look white and spends her whole trying to pass for white and disowning her mother. In the early version the black daughter was actually played by a black actress named Fredi Washington who actually dealt with the trials of looking white but never being able to be white. The better version of the story is the later one in 1959. The acting was wonderful. 3 out of 4 of the actresses were nominated for an Academy award. But in this version a white girl played the part of the daughter passing for white. It breaks your heart every time because all the mother wants to do is love her daughter, but all her daughter wants is to be rid of her mother. The link to her black side. The mother dies of a broken heart and her daughter returns when it too late to say, "I'm sorry mama".

Watching the movie just reminded me how much I love old movies. The acting was so passionate! It's probably where I get my flair for drama. Most of it would probably be called over acting these days, but its so much fun to watch.

I asked my mom how she thought the daughter lived with her mom being dead. Now that she has no one to tell people she's black. My mom told me her best friend who is mixed has a sister who passes for white to this day. This movie has my mind going in so many directions. Looking at my blue-eyed neice who doesn't even know what black or white is, I've prayed for her since she was born that people don't tease her about her color. I even have to get on some of my family members about callin her 'White girl'. Whenever I show her picture people are always shocked. We all wonder if she had been a shade darker if her father's side would be in a hurry to claim her. I just want her to be proud of what she is, no matter how she looks. That's a chore in itself.

Hearing that Fredi Washington was a black woman prompted me to look her up. It led me to an article called "The tragic mulatto". It a hit a real chord in me.

You can't see the future

I've decided to invest in the Bobby Valentino album. Finally. Yeah, I don't know what I was waiting for.

I wonder if I can put an Ipod on layaway. That's what's keeping me from getting my workout on. I need some music in my ear so I don't concentrate on the pain I'm about to feel.

WHY doesn't anyone call me anymore? Just because I'm not in VA doesn't mean we can't still have meaningless conversation. I remember the days when my phone used to ring off the hook. Now people have their own personalized ringers and I never hear them. Never give people ringers who don't call. Perhaps if I made more phonecalls in return I would get phonecalls?

I think I shall retreat back to making my lists. I've decided to become anally organized. I would love for everything to have a place and a place for everything. It's my life's dream.

Good morning heartache. Thought we'd said good bye last night.

My new favorite thing: Aol Music. I've found all the songs I love without having to buy the whole album. Well almost all. They don't have too much Musiq Soulchild.

Thanks for the pep talk Tiff. I know where my commitment should be now.

I'm too flawless to be with you people

...........So why am I here?


Tiffani and I have decided to start a band. She will be the drummer and I shall be the lead vocalist. We are putting out an ad for a guitarist (acoustic and electric), a classical pianist, a dj with your own turntables, keyboardist and possibly some back up singers. We'll be playing rocksoulgospelfunkhiphopcountry music. But mostly the blues. The name shall be MiNtf, pronounced me and tiff. Just know that we will be the only ones on the cover of the album so just cut out the drama right now. You can send all requests to yakariendva@aol.com. Believe me you wanna get in on this success early.

All Day I Dream About Sex

This is where I do my self evaluation. As I lay on the couch watching Love and Basketball, I started thinking about how I love the more I watch a movie, the more I become more familiar about the details of it. The songs that play in the background, the rhythm of the dialogue. It becomes like a song. I noticed that I'm more into details in movies and songs than I am in real life.
"She's a ho cus she's sending her coochie through the mail."
Love Jones
"What's the point black man?"
"Have you been listening? I'ma tell you the point. I'ma feed you the point. The point is....look I don't know what the point is."
Two Weeks Notice
"Did you ever tell Bobby you loved him? Did you say, 'Bobby...I love you'?"
When Harry Met Sally
"You're missing the point. I don't think he's ever going to leave her."
"NO ONE thinks he's ever going to leave her."

I just love it.

But also watching the movie and watching the character's dedication to basketball. How she thought about every single move. No wonder I was no good at basketball. I never took it that seriously. What I was good at was the high jump in track. I tell you it was better than sex, drugs and rock and roll. It was like an orgasm in mid air. The biggest high I've ever had. And I would win. If I could find a high jump pole and mat I promise I would be jumping somewhere to this day. Just for fun, not for competition. For the high of it. I quit the track team at Hampton because they told me we would never practice the high jump in practice, only run and lift weights. I hated running.

I also hate commercial interrupted movies. They cut out all the good stuff.

P.S. Why am I so intrigued to see Brokeback Mountain when I couldn't even sit half way through Alexander? I'm so backwards....

You'd run if you saw it too

So I had my lil rugrat today. Babysitting duties begin at the crack of dawn and since I stayed up till 3am watching Sugar Hill, I definitely was not ready. Tried to watch Madagascar with my niece. She wasn't too interested and I was too tired to see it all the way through. Ended up falling asleep towards the end but I think I'll give it a second try. I liked what I did get to see.

Parenting is hard man. I definitely know I am not ready for that yet. She's so cute though. Love her so much. And she's so smart! I know everyone says that about their kids. Perhaps we don't give kids enough credit. They gotta be smarter than we think they are supposed to be if everyone keeps saying 'my kid is so smart'. She knows exactly what she wants and asks for it. I like that.

She's really girly right now. It will be funny to see if she grows up to be a tomboy. She makes everything into a purse by puttin it on her arm. She has this pose where her hand is on the wall and she crosses her legs. Then she does what I call 'the black girl pose' where one leg is straight and the other is bent.

My sister said she needs anger management for babies because out of nowhere she'll just hurl anything she has in her hand at the wall with such force. I know where that comes from. Her dramatic mama.

I tried to give her a new hairstyle today. Something like Eva Pigford from America's Next Top Model. Me and Tiff call it the Waikiki Wave. It didn't work out too well. But it was only a trial run. Next time more mousse.

I came up with my own version of Common and Mary's "Come Close" with her name in it. She loved it. Sang her to sleep and everything. That's how I got to write this blog. Aww sweet babies.

So as you can see. We've had an eventful day. I'm pooped and her mother should be home soon.

Elephants like to be called Patty

Do the titles really matter anyway?


I learned a lil bit about packing today while unpacking my boxes that arrived. I opened it to find that a lot of my stuff was broken. Oh well, chalk it up to experience. Still trying to find out what to do with everything.

I didn't go to the interview this morning. Didn't feel like faking it or getting lost in the process of finding the building.

I talked to my dad today. I've never been that cold to anyone in a long time. I think its the first time I didn't say 'I love you' when I hung up the phone. I got some real praying to do. We're supposed to go to OKC for his birthday party at the end of the month. He's having it at some club. Still tryin to live out his youth at 47.

Got a concept set up for my room. Can't wait to get started.

The internet is my babysitter, I rarely watch TV anymore. I look forward to getting a new hobby.

If I'd made some new year's resolutions some of them would probably be:

To be better at keeping in contact with friends.
Follow through with what I start.
Become more organized.
Work out at some point.
Not to dwell on the past.
Be nicer to males (not too nice tho) and people in general.
Realize my potential.
Become more committed.
Make peace with my feelings about my dad.
Let go.
Set higher goals for myself.
Be more appreciative of my family.
Be less selfish.

I think that's good enough.

Who knew?

Ever since I got up this morning I've been cleaning out the closet in my room. As I lay in my bed trying to get the energy to actually move, I started thinking about what would make this experience better for me. What could I do to stop sulking about leaving my space in Virginia for this one? It came to me. Make this space MY OWN. Since I went to college I felt like nothing here was mine. Everyone was able to kick me out of anywhere I went because it was theirs or I had to share it. But I need something to call mine. So I've begun the renovation in my head. A new color for the walls. A new bed. And get all of these boxes out! No longer will my room be a storage closet. I've gotta be able to breathe.

Also I've found that we are pack rats. There's so much crap around here that no one uses or wears. It's time to get rid of it. I've taken on this challenge myself. Since I don't have a job right now, I can be cleaning out the house. Cleaning up my head. Organizing the house. Organizing my life. Working gives you no time to figure anything out. By the time you get home, you're too tired to do anything productive. Evidence of this is the clutter that is my sister's room. And I remember my room was the same way when I was working. Now that's a shame.

So I've got stuff to do. I'm out.

Yeah so....

I finally got out of the house today. I sure did make the most of it too. Starting mentally spending money I don't have.

My sister has one of the worst off key singing voices I've ever heard. She continues to torture me from the other room.

I keep getting less and less enthusiastic about this interview tomorrow. Well, I wasn't that enthusiastic to begin with. I'm starting not to want to go at all. Even if I got the job, I've already decided not to take it. It's too far to try to get there.

Let's start off right

I had a dream this morning that I was competing to win a date with Jerry O'Connell. I have no idea why because I haven't seen a movie or television show with him in it for a while now. There was like an obstacle course/scavenger hunt. It was just like a table of ingredients and you had to figure out what to make. I know I had that locked because I do that everyday. As long as you have some noodles, cheese and a meat, you're good. Just as I was about to find out the winner, I was interrupted by a phone call from t h e o r y. I think it was me because he gave me the longest hug good bye. What do you think about that?

I got some things I need to do today. Make some phone calls. Tighten my resume. Make copies. I'm trying to learn how to get on the grind. Motivated to keep on striving for more instead staying content at the bottom. Thats a problem. I have job interview tommorow that I don't really want to go to. Its way on the outskirts of town and I don't have a car. But I think I'll go just to sharpen my interview skills.

I had planned to unpack today but I checked my shipping history with UPS and it said it was rescheduled for tommorow. What if I had something planned? Which I do. I don't know what time their coming either and I don't wanna deal with that whole missed delivery business. This was the freaking perfect day.

I still haven't left the house since I got here. I'ma have to steal my mom's car when she gets home. I gotta go to Wal- Mart or something.

OH YEAHH!!!

I'm going to Vegas!! I've never been there. My cousin called me a couple months ago and asked me if I wanted to go to this fashion thing in Vegas. Finally something that involves what I want to do! I'm excited for the first time in a long time! Now you tell me. Is 'fix me up' stamped on my forehead? I mean I don't see it when I look in the mirror. Maybe I'm just getting to that age where everyone is like you need to be with someone. Tiff with her friend, then my cousin tells me that this guy I went to high school told her to tell me he said hi. Even though he's on facebook and could tell me himself. She was talkin him up. How he's grown up so nicely. I said you know we're supposed to get married right? Yup a long time ago in high school, he proposed that we get married when we turn 24. Keeping in touch I see.......I need some distraction right about now.

Perhaps I should just stay focused.......

I was talkin to my buddy Aaron about movies. My friends are making me question my taste in movies. Kiana was saying she wouldn't watch any more movies with me because I made her cry with the last two we saw. Aaron watched Alfie and wouldn't comment because it made him think too hard. And I made Chris watch the Notebook. He loved it even though he's too prideful to admit it. So I take that as a compliment. I love movies with believable actors that make you think. If you cry, good. If you're thinking about for the next couple weeks, great. Thats my point.

One thing I can put on my list

I found a highlight early in the day. ALL of my music I'd had over the years is still on my computer despite my mother and sister breaking it some time ago. So all the memories are floating back as I sit here.

I guess this time change will work in my advantage because I'm up at 9 am all refreshed and I definitely didn't go to bed until 1 am. That's 8 hours. Good enough. Got lots to do today. I better get on it.

My dream this morning disturbed the mess out of me. I won't go into detail, but just know I woke up mad. That's not a good feeling. I should get on tryin to keep a dream journal.....project?

I'm here

Made it to Tulsa. I'm trying to adjust to the thought that I may be here for an undetermined amount of time. I don't know if I'm gonna make it. Pray for me y'all. I feel bad about not wanting to be here with my family. I love em but I just hate it here. My baby doesn't even remember me. It's gonna take some time. All the other people from Tulsa can't wait to get back here. I can't wait to leave. I need my independence. Let that be my motivation.

Highlight: I got to see Tiff today. I had a 2 hour layover in Baltimore and she came and picked me up. We went to eat at Arundel Mills mall. She's still trying to hook me up with her friend. I'm still not interested.I mean not romantically, only as a friend. He's a cool guy, I'm just not there yet. Getting back to the airport was interesting. We decided to ask this cab driver how to get back. She says. "We're going that way if you can keep up." So we're thinking this is great. Then the cab driver proceeds to take off like she just robbed a bank and we were the cops. Zig-zagging through traffic. I think she was at least ten cars ahead of us after the light changed. Thank God we made it back in time. I ended up running through the airport because my plane was already boarding when I got back.


Last night I had my last Sunday dinner in Hampton. Holly made me cry. She hung on a lil too long and the tears started to flow. She promised me a blog every week. I want my blogs too! Lemme find out that my friends a planning a trip to the toy store to buy me a vibrator. Not my idea folks. One of them told me after she got hers she called her man friend and told him she didn't need him anymore. The other one said no man can do that to me in less than ten seconds. I'm open to a new experience, but I like a warm body to accompany that kinda feeling. If it can get me to tolerate staying in Tulsa, I'll take it.

Your prayers are needed

I'm sad y'all. I talked to my mother today and I noticed there was something different in her voice. So I asked her what was wrong. She told me she was worried about my grandmother. Last week she had a massive stroke and she's in the hospital now. I knew she had the stroke but since I haven't seen her I guess it wasn't really real to me. But my mom told me she's not doing too well. I told her not to worry herself. My mom is like me. She doesn't come out with her feelings a lot. It hit me to my core that she's hurting. So pray for my family and my grandmother. I'm glad I'm going home to be with them during this time.

My last night with the gals

Oh boy was it a night! They had a farewell for me at my girl Yanni's house. Mexican night with fajitas and pina coladas. Thats where the fun begins. Reminiscing about old times. Me getting joked on about moving back to Oklahoma.

Kiana: What's in Oklahoma anyway?
Me: Not much......Let's hope I don't have to stay there long.

Yanni taught us the finer points on condom 101. She demonstrated that dudes are always lying when they say they NEED a magnum by putting a regular sized condom on her head. Pictures to come later.

Lemme find out that my friends have professional stripper moves! Ciara's "Oh" will never be the same to me.

And finally, I saw way more of my friends than I'd thought I'd ever see. I think I've been traumatized. But every time I think about it, I start cracking up.

All in all the night can be described as a combination of Sex and the City/ Waiting to Exhale/ BET's Uncut.

Just a lil conversation

I had a conversation with one of Tiffani's friends who she has bullied me into talking to. We had a good conversation. She had already set me up by saying I was mean to guys and don't call me during Girlfriends or he would be in trouble. So basically he was scared to call me and then we got on the phone he was like 'you’re not mean!’ I told him that I can be, but I'm not always mean. This is the thing about the conversation that I am proud of. We just so happened to talk about past relationships and I was able to convey my feelings in a way I never have been able to before. I straight up explained where they went wrong and what I'd learned from all of them.

We talked about one of those reasons being my father. I know its cliché, but a lot of women’s problems come from their fathers. My problem with my father was that he would make promise after promise and never come through, never admit defeat; he would just come up with another promise. Then I would be saying, "Well my Dad said he was gonna do this or that." And it would never happen. So after the 100th time it was like, I'll wait till I see it to believe it. And I believe I've applied that to just about everything someone has said to me.

Then there's thing about me not liking nice guys. This is complicated but I don't like guys who flatter me all the time. Although everybody needs a compliment every now and then, if that’s all I hear it becomes hard to believe and it gets on my nerves. I like someone I can tease, make fun of and they can do the same to me, but then at the end of the day I still know they care about me.

I've only had one guy try to open me up. I'm a people watcher, so I watch what people do before I listen to what they say. Besides, people lie. Usually it’s what they do that determines who they are in my eyes. I was watching him and I was wondering what he wanted from me. All he said was, “I just want you to open up”. And I wonder “Well what’s the catch?” There has to be a catch right? Not necessarily. So while I was in the midst of watching, he went another way and I missed out. He says he thought I wasn’t feeling him when in actuality I was totally enamored. And then I was hurt when he started up with the other girl, but I fronted like it was OK. Even while he was talking to her, we still talked a lot. That confused me. I felt like the logical thing to do would be to erase his number so that the ball would be in his court. He could call me if he wanted to talk, but I would not put myself out there. Which backfired and even though I said we were friends I didn’t have “friendly” feelings for him.

So all my mistakes in the beginning came from me lying to him and myself so that I wouldn’t get hurt and I ended up hurt anyway. The thing with him and the girlfriend only lasted about a week and stupid me, I let him come back. But of course things were different now. There was still this distrust because he left before, it could happen again. I was telling myself “Just see what happens, it probably won’t last.” Negative thinking leads to negativity. Long story short (I know, too late), we continued to talk on and off for months. After a while, he quit trying to know me, but he still hung around. I didn’t care as much just as long as he was there. It was good enough for me to just have him around. I settled for whatever I could get instead of what I deserved.
Near the end our conversation Tiff’s friend says, so you would never consider anything with him now, would you? And I said I wish I could say that, but I see the potential in him and that’s what keeps me holding on. I think it wouldn’t happen because of him, not because of me. I feel he has put me in a box of what he thinks I am and he doesn’t think I will change. What he doesn’t see is that I have changed A LOT because of him. I can tell he has closed himself off to me and he’s not willing to change for me. This whole thing is very significant to me because I realize the other guys I talked to didn't mean as much. Now that its over I know what to do. Is that growth I see?

I admit to the mistakes I’ve made and I made a lot of them. But I can’t wonder what if. There is no way of knowing the future. What would I have done differently? There was no way I was ready to admit my feelings in the beginning. That just would not have happened. I would have never let him come back after he got a girl. You just should not settle for second best ever. I now know that it is important to let people know how you feel. Even when people know you really well, they still are not mind readers. I am very intuitive. I can tell when something is off. I never thought that what ever I was feeling would make a person change anything. I thought that a person would still do whatever they planned to do, no matter how I felt. In most cases I’ve still found that to be true, but at least they know how you feel. Its crazy how a stranger can help you put things together after they’ve been so scattered over time.

Just the way things are

I've noticed that I no longer need to know the answer for everything. Even though the uncertainty of the future still makes me nervous, I don't need to know why something happens or doesn't happens. Is that maturity I smell? Maybe. The other day I was talking to one of my co-workers about the movie Sliding Doors. For those of you who don't know, the movie is basically about the 'what if' factor. What if you had done this instead of that? How would your life be different? I try not to think about those things because I automatically think that the other way would have been better than way things are now. Then I would kick myself for making the wrong decision. That would mean I would regret things. So I don't do that. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. And I do.

Yeah....So no one will buy my computer because its so old and decrepit. I was counting on that cash to help me move. Now I'm thinking about what I might have bought in the last few days that I could return. There is this pair of jeans I just bought.....It's better than nothing.

You tell me why!

Why is this white girl on MADE trying to rap? She looks like she doesn't even like hip hop or the culture! She's completely clueless! As a matter of fact she kinda looks like Alicia Silverstone....

Why is Bow Wow still wearing that grill? Is he trying to look unattractive?

Why is this One Wish song Ray J's big hit? Its the worst thing I've ever heard. I've been a fan for years, now I can't watch anything he does. I used to wanna marry Ray J until that whole Lil' Kim thing. Then I felt like he was tainted. Sorry, but anybody that's been with Lil' Kim is tainted.

Why did I hear that someone really said I was crazy? I started thinking about all the "crazy" things I might have done. Couldn't think of any. If you can think of some let me know. I'm very interested. I'm not saying its not true, just saying bring me some evidence.

Why do I have so much stuff? Everytime I look up its something else I forgot to pack!

Time is winding down

Today was my last official day at work. Nothing but packing to do from now on and I need to finish like tommorow because the new roommate is coming on Friday. I told them to call me if they needed someone, but I really don't care if they don't. I leave Hampton on Monday. Trying to get my last bit of hanging out done with my friends.


I'ma gonna miss my co-workers. I didn't really like my job, but it was somewhere to go and act goofy with some crazy people while getting paid.

Happy Birthday Mommy!

It's my mom's 50th birthday! I just wanna give a shout out to my mama for giving birth to me, supporting me all these years and putting up with my bratty sister for 26 years. Get it mama!

How will I top this one?

This was the most different New Year's I've ever had. Apart from not being in OK, I actually went to a bar and passed out on the couch. I'll just post the highlights of my New Years Eve.

• Going to Wal-Mart and seeing a guy who felt the need to recapture his glory days when he was cool. He was wearing a red leather suit, black shirt and skinny red leather tie WITH (and this is the icing on the cake) a black leather beret. I think he was following us.
• We went to a bar downtown, rushed to get there so we could get in free only to find out that there was only two couples over the age of 50, three guys, the staff and the DJ there. We left after an hour but at least we could say we went out on New Years' eve.
• Came home and watched the South Park marathon, missed the ball drop but toasted with champagne. I know my tolerance has significantly gone down when one glass of champagne can have me passed out.
• I did some drunken IMing which somehow got into a conversation about Magnums. It was so bad I had to get off the computer because I couldn't hold my eyes open anymore. I was lookin at the screen with one eye so I continued the conversation on the phone. It involved me saying, "What are you talking about? You don't even know what you're saying." Which might have been true on their part, but shoot, I ain't know what I saying either.

So that was my New Years'. Welcome 2006! I'm glad to be here to see it. But after this week I'll be starting over in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Let's see how that goes. This being my last week in VA, I plan to go out with a bang!