I had a conversation with one of Tiffani's friends who she has bullied me into talking to. We had a good conversation. She had already set me up by saying I was mean to guys and don't call me during Girlfriends or he would be in trouble. So basically he was scared to call me and then we got on the phone he was like 'you’re not mean!’ I told him that I can be, but I'm not always mean. This is the thing about the conversation that I am proud of. We just so happened to talk about past relationships and I was able to convey my feelings in a way I never have been able to before. I straight up explained where they went wrong and what I'd learned from all of them.
We talked about one of those reasons being my father. I know its cliché, but a lot of women’s problems come from their fathers. My problem with my father was that he would make promise after promise and never come through, never admit defeat; he would just come up with another promise. Then I would be saying, "Well my Dad said he was gonna do this or that." And it would never happen. So after the 100th time it was like, I'll wait till I see it to believe it. And I believe I've applied that to just about everything someone has said to me.
Then there's thing about me not liking nice guys. This is complicated but I don't like guys who flatter me all the time. Although everybody needs a compliment every now and then, if that’s all I hear it becomes hard to believe and it gets on my nerves. I like someone I can tease, make fun of and they can do the same to me, but then at the end of the day I still know they care about me.
I've only had one guy try to open me up. I'm a people watcher, so I watch what people do before I listen to what they say. Besides, people lie. Usually it’s what they do that determines who they are in my eyes. I was watching him and I was wondering what he wanted from me. All he said was, “I just want you to open up”. And I wonder “Well what’s the catch?” There has to be a catch right? Not necessarily. So while I was in the midst of watching, he went another way and I missed out. He says he thought I wasn’t feeling him when in actuality I was totally enamored. And then I was hurt when he started up with the other girl, but I fronted like it was OK. Even while he was talking to her, we still talked a lot. That confused me. I felt like the logical thing to do would be to erase his number so that the ball would be in his court. He could call me if he wanted to talk, but I would not put myself out there. Which backfired and even though I said we were friends I didn’t have “friendly” feelings for him.
So all my mistakes in the beginning came from me lying to him and myself so that I wouldn’t get hurt and I ended up hurt anyway. The thing with him and the girlfriend only lasted about a week and stupid me, I let him come back. But of course things were different now. There was still this distrust because he left before, it could happen again. I was telling myself “Just see what happens, it probably won’t last.” Negative thinking leads to negativity. Long story short (I know, too late), we continued to talk on and off for months. After a while, he quit trying to know me, but he still hung around. I didn’t care as much just as long as he was there. It was good enough for me to just have him around. I settled for whatever I could get instead of what I deserved.
Near the end our conversation Tiff’s friend says, so you would never consider anything with him now, would you? And I said I wish I could say that, but I see the potential in him and that’s what keeps me holding on. I think it wouldn’t happen because of him, not because of me. I feel he has put me in a box of what he thinks I am and he doesn’t think I will change. What he doesn’t see is that I have changed A LOT because of him. I can tell he has closed himself off to me and he’s not willing to change for me. This whole thing is very significant to me because I realize the other guys I talked to didn't mean as much. Now that its over I know what to do. Is that growth I see?
I admit to the mistakes I’ve made and I made a lot of them. But I can’t wonder what if. There is no way of knowing the future. What would I have done differently? There was no way I was ready to admit my feelings in the beginning. That just would not have happened. I would have never let him come back after he got a girl. You just should not settle for second best ever. I now know that it is important to let people know how you feel. Even when people know you really well, they still are not mind readers. I am very intuitive. I can tell when something is off. I never thought that what ever I was feeling would make a person change anything. I thought that a person would still do whatever they planned to do, no matter how I felt. In most cases I’ve still found that to be true, but at least they know how you feel. Its crazy how a stranger can help you put things together after they’ve been so scattered over time.
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