Yes I know, I'm a random blogger. I'd probably frustrate my loyal readers if I had any. What can I say? I write when I have the time and when I feel it.

I'm getting to the point where God is motivating me to get off my butt and do what I said I wanted to do. I'm focused! Every spare moment is dedicated to research. And as I start to write things down I can see it more. But of course right now I am sittin on my butt.

I gotta go. I hate doin these lil substitute posts. I'll holla at y'all.

Yeah, so?

Yes, I am writing my blog instead of being at church. I got off work half an hour before service starts and I hate to be late to church. This past month has been a blur full of events. I'm praying for my church. Even though I love my church and how it has helped me grow in the past year, there's a shifting going on. I'm just praying that the Lord shows me where I'm supposed to be in the middle of all of this. Actually, He has shown me. I'm supposed to be praying. So what's keeping me? Yeah, that's still the matter at hand. I'm an all or nothing gal. I hate half doing stuff. Rather than do that, I won't do at all.

So, I'm writing it down and maybe it will force me to step my game up. But as far as our college ministry is going, I praise God for what he has done through us. Even though it took sooo much for us to be obedient, from leadership on down. I'm just not sure if its the place for me right now. I'm still seeking God about it. And because I don't know, I don't even wanna sit in the meetings. However, I'm tired of people asking me if everything is OK. No, I'm not out at the club just because I didn't show up to practice. I'm fine, trust. That doesn't mean that I want to tell all y'all my business either. I don't have any business really. Life is pretty simple really. God, friends and work. That's about it.

What's causing so much controversy is that all of my friends have quit and now their waiting on me to follow suit. Now, I'm no follower and I just don't wanna quit which might just be rebellion on my part. I keep thinking perhaps I'm supposed to be there, but I can't even bring myself to go.

Hard as nails

I am really thankful for the Holy Spirit. If it weren't for Him I would be an absolute wench and not care! Because some people need to hear it the hard way and some don't. Sometimes I would feel like if you don't wanna hear the truth, don't ask me. And if you ain't ask I ain't say nothing. But if you DO ask, brace yourself. Once I give it to you, I'm not taking it back.

I had a moment where I may have potentially hurt someone's feelings. Even afterward there was no regret, but I did repent to the Lord. And I asked the Holy Spirit, "Why did I repent? I'm not sorry." So He broke it down for me. Its not what you said, its how you said it and where. It definitely was not said out of love, it was out of frustration. Thank you Holy Spirit.

I would never have apologized. I woulda been like,"Well they just need to get over it." But only because of God did I say I was sorry to that person. I still have a ways to go. But I'm glad I asked God for conviction and advice. I feel much better now.

But for the most part I really don't care what people think about me. I know what God thinks about me and I know I'm awesome. He has instilled a confidence in me that is growing all the time. Do you know how it feels to be completely secure? Its outrageous. Like I said, I still have a ways to go, but its cool. I love being obedient to the Lord. Its really rewarding.

How do I do that?

What do you do when a friend of yours just starts trippin out? Stops answering the phone. Extremely attitudinal. What do you do if this is a friend you haven't known for long? And you don't know their habits? I mean, what I wanna do is hit her upside the head. I asked God what I should do and He said 'Love her'. I was like, OK, but how do I do that?

So, I called her on Tuesday. No answer. Apparently she is answering her phone now, but I don't know what I might say. So I'm not gonna call. I'ma wait till I see her and hope I've calmed down enough not to blow up. I'm praying constantly.

I got this revelation a couple months ago. Nothing in life is personal. The Bible says, For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places Eph 6:12. So basically, the things that happen to you and me have nothing to do with us. It has to do with that spiritual wickedness in the world.

So in keeping with that, I know its not personal. But because I have emotions, it hurts my feelings a lil and that's not easy to do.

The big 2-4

Oh my goodness. I had the best birthday weekend ever!!

Started on Friday when my girls picked me up from work and took me shopping! All I really wanted for my birthday was not to be bothered. Last year I ended up baby-sitting and running around for others. My birthday was basically stolen from me. I took it back this year.

Saturday, I got my hair done (which took most of the day) and we had a candle light ceremony of friendship and I gave my girls lock and key necklaces. I always lost my keys, actually I lose almost everything, so it was a lil inside joke for us. I just told everyone else we got the keys to the Kingdom.

Sunday, my actual birthday, we went to church had a wonderful service. I know I looked fabulous. I got this black dress and wore my hot pink shoes. Great outfit. Anyway afterward, we went to eat and then to the mall. I don't think I've ever had an experience like this in my life. First of all, we only went in for one thing. It was five of us. We walked in like we owned the mall and from the moment we stepped in the door heads were turning. It was sooo crazy. I remember going down the escalator and passing this guy. His eyes and mouth wide open, going from top to bottom saying, "Oh..my.. God".

Yeah that's fabulous.

I just had a really great, awesome weekend.

Exposure brings empowerment

So yeah we had our college Encounter about a week ago. It really awesome and amazingly easy this time. So much more than the last one because God really handled everything. One thing that I got from this Encounter for myself was security. True security. I felt like God was really residing with me the whole time. I really prepared spiritually for this Encounter and it paid off. I saw some gifts manifest in a way that blew me away. And I felt a real connection to the girls in my small group.

One of my friends came and I was really glad to see her. I didn't know how she would react this Encounter, but I had to let God handle it. At first, I knew I hadn't completely given it to God because I was always checking up on her like she was my child. Making sure she was socializing, eating, stuff like that. And then I realized I was starting to take it personally because she wasn't responding in the way that most of the others were responding. Good or bad. So God had to take a sidebar with me. He said, "She's not rejecting you, she's rejecting me. I'll handle this." So I took my hands off of it. When I felt led I talked to her about it. There's a process He takes us through for us to know He's really real and I believe this was the beginning for her.

Lots of things going on. I'm trying to stay consistent as a leader, in life and at work. Time to re-evaluate. Just started taking some classes. A solo vocalist class and a drawing class. I just found out that my teacher worked with Lauryn Hill! L-Boogie! I just saw Dave Chappelle's Block Party and we were all talking about how effortless she made it seem. I'm pumped about it, but its also one more responsibility to add to the pile of stuff I have to do. The drawing class feels like a refresher course. I sorta wish I had taken the digital art class. Maybe next time.

It's pressing time. I feel like lemon getting squeezed. It's tight but its RIGHT!

Aw shucks!

The diva's got hi-speed internet! Now I can't be stopped!!!!! Yeah, let's just see how much time I have to put some thoughts into my blogs. Then Cole can become a fan again.

It's crazy yo!

I've been on a mad long hiatus. I know, I know you missed me. Those of you who still check in on me. Part of the reason is I still have a crappy computer. Partly because I don't have time and finally partly because my mind has been on hiatus. But to update, life is moving. I don't feel stagnate at all. I feel like I am going somewhere and I'm focused.

There are many issues that my friends and I talk about daily. Mainly God and relationships. God is my number one. I mean I have experienced a level with God that I have never been in. I was listening to my friend and she was like, "I would have never thought I'd be this involved in church a year ago. When I started goin to church I made the commitment that I would go EVERY Sunday and maybe some Wednesdays. You know, I was gonna be a great mediocre Christian." And its funny now because we are at church at least 3 times a week. AT LEAST. And we love it!

And people get so caught up in being mediocre Christians because they don't feel like they need to be involved. Like thats only for some people. No! It's vital to living everyday. I ain't mean to come back on here and start preaching. But that's whatsup. God is so many things. So many things! I have realized what is really, really important to me.

So yes, this week we have the Encounter coming up and I'm really excited. It's never what you expect. I love suprises!

I'm starting to draw again, write again. In a couple weeks I be starting this Art program at my church, drawing and singing. Just digging into my gifts and not sitting on them.

Praying about this training program in the summer. It's to be a buyer for a company. That would be the hottest job and I'm perfect for it! So if God gives me the thumbs up to go. I'm out! I pray that I'm prepared to go (mentally, spiritually, and professionally) and that I am able to find a church.

I got many more opinions to share. More thoughts to give. More love to post. But this is my first entry in.....forever. So hopefully I won't stay away too long again.

Its like you don't even realize

so yeah I've been so out of it lately that I didn't even realize how boomin my social life has been.

And I mean doing things that have nothing to do with work or church. Saw a lotta great movies: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (don't sleep on it), Mission Impossible 3, Lucky Number Slevin, and that Narnia movie (great movie). Plus I got to see that movie The Holiday with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet. It was sooo good.

We got like a 11 inches of snow last week. Yes here in Oklahoma. It was crazy. I got snowed in at Cole's for a couple days. Then when we dug her mom out, they dug me out too. My neighbor made an 8 foot tall snowman.

Oh yeah I played this game with my sister and her friends called Imagine If. Interesting game. You write people down on this board then roll the dice to see who you'll land on. They give scenarios for you to put those people in and then all the players guess what they would do in that situation. The most popular answer wins. So even if you its you, you can't think about what you would do in that situation. You have to think about what everyone ELSE thinks you would do in that situation.

It's so good just to spend time with friends. Even if its just a couple hours at a time because usually thats all I have to give.

I got the next couple days off and I'm trying to see if I can get Saturday off too. I gotta be somewhere else and I paid money to be there. I just forgot to request off....Eh hopefully it will work out.

ok....

So we had a guest speaker at church yesterday. Her word was definitely on time. I'm still trying to digest it as I write. Work has got me so out of it that its hard to concentrate on anything else. But what she preached was that the struggle we have with God is between our desires and will against God's desires and will. There's only one winner and guess what? It ain't you. I mean you can get what you want and you can do what you want. But what you'll find out is its temporary happiness and most of the time its not really what you wanted anyway.

This is the reason I don't write so much anymore, its so hard to put this into words.

I want to explain what's going on in my life without it being confusing or deterring people away from God.

Truth is, its really hard living this life. Like really hard. But ain't nothing else out there. Every single day is a fight.

I guess my problem is that I thought I was further along in my walk than I actually am. And I have all the tools to go further but am I willing to sacrifice everything? And after the Encounter God showed me some things that I'm still struggling with. That is what is hindering me. The stuff that I'm struggling with and don't want to let go of.

In church, she said its always the stuff you love that you don't wanna let go of. Which do I love more? My stuff or God? Should be an easy answer right? Not so much. Clearly my actions are showing differently.

Christ's principles are so oxymoronish (i know that's not a word). I mean to gain ever lasting life, you give up your life to serve others. That's hard! We look at people all over the world who are giving up everything to focus on God and I can't give up TV for a week. I mean I can but I don't want to. And people make it sound so easy.

Perhaps its that I can't see the reward. But even if God showed me my reward, I probably still wouldn't be able to do what I need to do. Only until I am ready to risk it all will I be able to sacrifice for real.

I have to end with this: it's not easy, but its WORTH it. Because I don't feel like I'm dying inside. And the peace....I mean really not having to worry at all, its like nothing else.

Sometimes I just wanna shut everyone out and get to business. ME AND YOU GOD THAT'S IT. But that's not realistic. Plus I don't wanna spend my life alone. And God is not asking me to. Just enough time for Him to give me what I need, so that I don't feel like its so hard.

This is REAL!

I should never doubt that God hears me, but I do. Yesterday at church was just evidence that He definitely does hear me. And trust me, if He hears me He hears you too. My Nicole and I were just talking about our current status. We felt like the fire was gone out our walk with God. It felt like I couldn't go back to what I used to do but how do I go forward. It was really frustrating to the point where I just wanted to be like forget it.

I didn't want to go to church yesterday. I'd had a bad night altogether. I get really cranky when I don't get sleep. I have to pray about my husband because if I sleep near someone who snores I start thinking violent thoughts. I have never acted on them, but I do think them. Anyway, I was way sluggish, didn't wanna go. My friends and I sat way in the back being cynical about everything. Then my Bishop began his sermon. "Have you ever needed a 'right now' miracle?" Yes, I need one now. I'm paraphrasing here but he was basically talking about how we are so used to 'waiting for our miracle' that sometimes we need to get down right demanding and say, 'God I need my miracle now!'.

There are times in the Bible where people said to God, I really need you to show up now. And their faith is so in it that He does. Its a desperate time. I'm tired of being stuck in the middele. A new year is coming and we only have 44 days until the end of this one. He wrapped it up by saying we need to pray God's plan. Whatever he promised you is what you pray. Well if you say 'God has never spoken to me', sit and think for awhile, it will come to you. Sometimes He speaks through others. We really have to take the time and listen. Life gets way too busy. I'm taking the time to listen to God.

Where to begin?

So this is sort of a continuation of what I was talking about in the last post. It's not exactly but its in the same stream of consciousness for me. Cole and I were talking and I am glad to see I am not alone in my thoughts. She is my fraternal twin after all. Now what we were talking about is basically what my last blog is about. Where are the MEN? Why are we having to push men into responsibility? They are the head of the household. Why aren't they taking charge? Although from a biblical standpoint women are supposed to birth the vision, but what if the man has no vision? That's why its important for a man to have a relationship with God. God will give him the vision. Women support the vision. Haha! Now I understand why cheerleaders are women. We're always the ones saying you can do it or go for it.

Anyway, I just wanna talk to some men and ask why they are shrinking from repsonsibility. Even from the very first approach. You find a lot more women are making the first move and that has NEVER been me. And this is what's so messed up: the ones that are clear about what they want and where they are going, we don't want them. Perhaps their vision needs to get a bit clearer?

Which somehow brought me here. I want a relationship with God, but I've been seriously slacking. I haven't been reading my Bible or praying like I should. But its getting too routine and that's not a relationship. That's obligation. That's not what God wants. I've been thinking and thinking about this. How do I get past this to the deeper stuff? I've been putting crap before God and expecting Him to take it. And even though I know this, what am I doing to get there? What is hindering me?

This is what I found. My desires. I still want to be seen as a sex object. I be wanting to do those Pussycat Doll Beyonce Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader moves. I love to party. I just wanna get drunk sometimes. But I don't. Why? Because I know its stupid. It doesn't lead to anything but destruction. This is what the Bible says. A man is dragged away and enticed by his own desires (James 1:14). So we have to inspect our desires. Even when they seem to be godly desires, are they really? And why do I still desire do these other things? Those who have their mind on the Spirit want what the Spirit desires.

No doubt God has done some amazing things in the last 11 months. But to get to that next level I feel like I'm gonna have to do something else. Its going to have to be a Spiritual breaking. And its gonna hurt. But like any other bootcamp, where's the drill sergeant? Where's my made coach? Cus clearly if I'm depending on just me it ain't gone happen. I'm beleiving God is going to send someone. Just like this last Sunday I was not gonna go to church. I had a meeting at work that morning and I had to go back to work later. I was just like forget it, I can miss one day. Well, then I get a phonecall from one of my co-workers asking if she can ride with me. That's accountability there. So I went. But I don't want to get into the routine. Me and God still have some talking to do.

A lil movie analysis

What looks stupid to everyone else, might actually be genius. So I was watching Love and Basketball today and I got a lil more in depth. The first thing I noticed was that when Omar Epps broke up with Sanaa in college, she took all the blame even though he was being stupidly selfish. She even said, "Whatever I did, we can fix it."
Me, I woulda been like,"Oh so that's it for us? Aight, I'll holla at you." And even though she was on the verge of begging he still broke up with her.

When we cut to the final scene and they're playing one on one for his heart. She looks really desperate. She is desperate. And I'm thinking what about your pride? What about being an independent woman of the millenium? What if she had never even tried to get him back. He would have ended up married to Tyra and divorced in a couple years. Sanaa woulda been working at the bank, going from job to job, probably single for a couple years or forever.

Although she looked stupid on the outside and it seemed she was losing faith by the end, she had to be mad confident to do it. She knew he was making a mistake. She knew he was for her. What could have been going through his head? Could he not see that they were meant to be? Had he given up?

Men move on so fast to anything new, whether its good for them or not. Seems like you have to hit them over the head to get them to see what you see. And I love the song at the end, "You make a fool of me." Cus it looks like that. But it also reminds me of a song by Sade "Love is stronger than pride".

I mean thats not the end of analysis. I still gotta connect it with the Lord and trust me I see connections. Women birth out the man's vision, thats why we have the womb. But we're not supposed to take things into our own hands that's how Sarah got into that mess with Hagar. Sometimes you feel helpless when it comes to things in life. That's when you have to trust God has a plan and be confident when it comes time for you to do your part, you'll be ready.

Will this hold you over?

Not to tease y'all, I just felt obligated to write a lil something since I've been on the internet for so long today. I've caught up on my facebook, myspace, back account and everyone else's blog. I feel like I've missed out on so much. People have gotten into relationships, broken up, into new organizations, quit jobs. Where have I been? Work. Yeah, I'm not about let this take over my life. It's time to regain control. Basically that's where I'm at right now.

I didn't even think I would be able to form a complete sentence let alone write a whole blog. I just wanna let y'all know I miss you. Yes I do. I don't have the energy it would take to catch up with everyone so I just haven't done it. I am exhausted. That's all I have to give.

In continuation

So yeah after my shift yesterday, my boss had a lil talk with me. My numbers are not where they are supposed to be. She was asking me to question if this is the position I should be in during holiday time or should I step down and wait till things slow down and learn how to do things in the spring. I was like uh, I know things haven't been great the past couple days but I CAN do this and I WILL.

Basically, she gonna be watching me for awhile until my numbers come up. I think it may be my non-chalant nature. Lots of people take it as I don't care when its just that I don't care to perform or stress out for anyone. However, I do understand that some people need to be inspired and that energy is contagious so I will try to be more enthusiastic at work.

This morning we had our meeting and she was pleasantly surprised by our numbers and I think mine in particular. She was like "Oh!" And I wanted to be like OOOH IN YOUR FACE!!

But I maintained.

And it wouldn't be Christ- like.

Yeah this week has been off to a bad start, but I take authority over the enemy. I think I'll be meditating on Luke 10:19 today.

In preparation

I would have to describe this last week a roller coaster ride. I've had a really great time followed by a couple bad days. The women's encounter was last weekend and while I had a great time, I don't think my body had a chance to catch up. It went like this. Friday: woke up and had to be a work at 6am. I was probably late. Worked till 3pm then me and Cole went to Wal-Mart her house then church til bout 10. Went to my house to pick up some clothes, Taco Bell, back to Cole's. Saturday: Went to church at 8am till 10pm, talked until bout 11:30, went home. Sunday: overslept, contemplated not going to church at all since I had to be at work at 12.

Now this is where I have to stop. I knew I had to go to praise and worship for some reason. So even though I was late for the last session of the encounter I was early for praise and worship. I had the most exciting, outrageous praise and worship experience I've ever had. Like, it took over most of church. See God let me know the authority I have over the enemy in that time. He showed me what he was about to do. And it just spread throughout the church.

When it was time for me to leave for work. I was still crying and praising in the car. I was just hoping I would be able to get it together before I got there. But on the way, the Holy Spirit warned me that this would not be a good day. The devil comes quickly to steal a word, kill your joy and destroy your promise. It was a crazy day plus I was mad tired. Monday, just the same, bad day and I was mad tired and added onto that I felt sick.

Now looking back, I have to ask myself: Did I take the authority that God had just let me know I HAVE over the enemy? Apparently not. But at the end of this whole drama God will get the glory. We're about to turn this thing around. There you have it.

In it

Tonight is the season finale of Project Runway. Oh how long have I waited for this. I love that Bravo shows it several times in the same night because I always miss it on Wednesdays. I wish Top Model did that. I may get to see it this Sunday. I've been trying to get the recorder working on my vcr/dvd player. I don't know what it's doing. It's recording stuff that I never wanted to watch and like, hours of it.

Well, my fave to win is Micheal. I just like his style. On side note: is it just me or wouldn't Kayne be super sexy if he wasn't gay? I saw him on the reunion show with his lil stubble. I just loved it. Daggone shame I tell you!

I'm feenin for a Rubicon potato and if I have anything to do with it I'm gettin one! Y'all non-Tulsan's don't know nothing bout that. It's this huge potato with smoked BBQ meat, BBQ sauce, ranch and cheese! Oh its so good! Me and Larry used to make our own in Hampton and like eat em on the low because we ain't wanna share the secret.

Speaking of Tulsa I saw the episode where Oprah and Gayle were in Tulsa and crashed those two weddings. It was so crazy. Actually a friend of mine from high school was at one of the weddings. So wierd.

Do you know how hard it is to manage your money when you have none? It's on the way though. The money, the car, my blessing. Ohhh its on THE way!

Randomness: I just think its so funny how on Dave Chappelle, when he's doin the Lil' Jon skit and he says WHAT?! The people always repeat themselves so patiently back to him. They never get tired of it and yell back. I think that therein lies the genius of the whole thing.

It took me a minute to formulate an entire blog in my head. I got one. So it looks like I won't be going to Hampton's Homecoming this year. I am kinda bummed. Even if I had the money to go (which I don't), I still wouldn't be able to take the time off. It's a blackout week at work. In fact I can't request off until next year. Since I got my promotion, the position does not allow us to take that time off. So I won't be seeing my Hampton people unless they come visit me.

When I found out I wouldn't be able to go this memory came back to my mind. Last year when I was in Hampton there was an older lady and she told me, When you leave you'll come back for homecoming, but not the first year after. I tried to make it happen. In the end it wasn't meant to be.

My phone is sorta on a break til Friday. The first week I guess they were giving me a chance because I could recieve calls, but not make them. Which I guess was kinda cool. Now I can't do anything. It'll be paid on Friday.

I'm so proud of my mom, she's getting the motivation to take some accounting classes. Which I've said she should do for years. She's a financial genius. The only reason we've ever made it through the years other than God.

Excited about doing more at work. I'm realizing there's a lot more involved in this position than just going to work. I'm going to have to actually study.

Set the atmosphere

I got a real lesson yesterday. So I thought my day was going well. While my sister went to get her brakes fixed, I was watching my neice. She said it'd only take about 30 mins, so I figured I'd have more than enough time. I got dressed and when I called to check on the progress she said she was on her way. I called about 30 mins before my shift because it only takes about 10 mins(when I drive)- 15mins for someone else to get to my job. Then she calls back 15 mins later and said my aunt is gonna take me to work. I started to get nervous cus my aunt is slow as molasses and she's habitually late. There's no telling when she was gonna get there.

Well she got there but in my rush of tryin to get out of the house I forgot my keys for the store. So we had to turn around and go back to the house. I was extra frustrated. All kindsa stuff rushed to my head. This looks bad. My first day on the floor as manager and I'm late. All these things on my mind rushed to the forefront and I got so focused that I think I looked like I was about to pop a blood vessel. Then my aunt said,"What you over there thinking about?" I was like, "Lot's of things." She said,"You wanna talk about it?" I said, "It won't help." And she said, "Well tell me anyway." Daggone nosey family! Well I talked about it and she actually gave me the Word of the Lord. Amen. That helped me to be encouraged. Helped me repent (which means change your mind) and go into work with a different focus.

While I was in the car concentrating on all my problems, I realized where I'd started off wrong was that I didn't pray that morning nor did I read my Bible. Just a bad start off to my day. There's honestly a big difference. Plus after the Encounter last weekend I should have known better. You can't walk out the house without prayer. You need prayer to get through the day. To set the pace. God will cover you.

So I walk in and my other manager is already having a bad day. I was like we gotta change this. I went into the fitting room and I prayed. Actually my day started to get better after that.

Like the wind

Dude, this last week has been crazy. I knew because I was going to an Encounter last weekend and craziness always comes before and after the Encounter that I was in for something. Two cars stopped on me last week. Lots of confrontation. Working crazy hours. Oh but that's life and you deal with it.

Then that weekend I went to a music/worship Encounter. A big focus in my church are the Encounters and every single time they are life changing. We just learned more about what music was meant to do and what worship is all about. Just really sitting in God's presence was awesome. God inhabits your praise. When you praise, he's there. That's a wonderful thing to know.

THEN Sunday was just one of the best worship services. I got back to my seat and was still in his presence. It's a push to give more to God than what I been giving.

Work is about to be drastically different. I'm training for my promoted position this week. I'm just thinking about what I want to get out of this position. That's also bringing more out of me.

So really when I think about it, I can't be complacent. I have to give more in everything. That's a big responsibility. If I don't come up, then I'll just sit in mediocrity. I'm tired of being mediocre. It's time for excellence.