Encore

Since I wrote early and my brain is working overtime these days, I have more to talk about.

I did my facebook stalking for the day, changed the profile, wrote on everyone's wall and updated the status. Now down to business.

This week I haven't been getting to bed before midnight. Dr. Munroe said the Anointing will keep you up at night. That explains things...

Last night's reason was because after church I was caught up in the parking lot talkin to my girl DeOrlean. We be acting like we don't ever wanna leave the church, I promise you! I love these times. I'm a big fan of deep conversations.

We were just talking about how this conference we're having at church is just confirming all the things God has been telling us. We talked about hearing the voice of God and what its like. For me, there have been times where I know clear as day that was God and then there are times that I wasn't so sure. But lately God has been speaking clearly and I have to obey or its just wrong. But that's what I asked for. I said Lord I need to hear you clearly, where there's no doubt that its you. It's a process though.

Milyaka went to New York this weekend and brought me this beautiful green bracelet! Thanks sis! And she dropped it off to me at church last night. Now she has this thing about me saying I have two best friends. At times she can be a bit possessive, only of me though. I say Tiff is my best friend too. So I was introducing her to my P-12 sister and before I can introduce her, she interjects saying,"I'm Milyaka. Her BEST FRIEND, even though I'm SECOND."

I rolled my eyes and I pulled her to the side. I was like I'm glad we're in the house of the Lord. *Ahem* I know you say you're joking, but everytime you say that it shows through as insecurity. There's no reason to be insecure, no one can take your spot. That's what this conference is about: knowing your spot is yours and it was made for you. No one else can be Milyaka. No one else can take your spot in my heart. Plus I'm glad I read that verse in Ephesians 5:4 about coarse joking.

She finally got it! Thank you Jesus! And because it was all said out of love. In everything we must act out of love. And a person who is in Christ will accept a rebuke or correction in love.

And as for the title of Best Friend, its just a title. Titles mean nothing. They don't give any authority. They only explain to the outside what can't really be explained. She's honestly my family. Her and Tiff. Cole too. I feel a kinship with them all, that's completely different from one to the the next. Because we connect on a spiritual level.

There's no competition when you know no one can take your place. I love that. I know I'm irreplaceable. So are you.

Not for the people

So it seems I may have some fans who I have no idea about. I know there are people who read my blog often even though I don't know who they are. Nicole was telling me yesterday, she loves my page. I greatly appreciate her love. Plus she loves reading about herself. But Cole is an awesome person, I can't help but write about her.

Well if you're in my life there will come a time you'll be mentioned. And if you aren't, well I don't know what to tell ya. Be more interesting. No, I'm kidding!

She was saying I had that Royal Tannebaum's sense of humor. I've never seen that movie, but I'm assuming its like most Ben Stiller movies. Not everybody will get it, but those who do love it.

Speaking of Cole, I always say this, she's an excellent confidence booster. If she likes something about you, she will make you feel like its the greatest thing on earth. Blame her if you think I get too conceited. And God, because the Bible said I am fearfully and wonderfully made and His works are wonderful (Psalm 139:14).

I just found out what the gift of exhortation is.

Exhortation. The extraordinary ability to counsel, inspire, motivate, encourage, and strengthen others in and through their efforts to live out God's will and calling as Christians in pain or pleasure, want or plenty.

I believe that is Cole's gift. No wonder she has fan clubs. People love to hear good things about themselves. It's not her only gift of course. So this is for you Cole.

Transitions, transitions

This is such an interesting time. Everytime I think I know myself, I learn something new. That of course is because everyday I'm growing and changing. But the more I get to know myself the more I like me. Yes its all about me, myself, I because this is MY blog. But first and foremost its about God. And since I was created in the image of God the more I like myself, the more I like Him. Amen? Amen.

Since it is September 11, I shall take this day to say Happy Birthday to my Auntie Kate. She'll never read this, but I still wanna do that. Also, I was recapping where I was on the infamous day in 2001 to my co-workers this morning.

As a freshman at Hampton University, I remember exactly what I was doing that day. I had just returned from my 8 am gym class and I was about to take my shower. I turned on my lil 13 inch television to see the smoke coming from those two buildings. The thing that shocked me most was that all they kept showing was those planes going straight into those buildings over and over and over again. It was like my eyes zoomed into that tiny TV. I remember being able to see people jumping from the building and I couldn't believe they were showing this on TV.

Being in VA, there were some students who lost their parents, friends and relatives. I didn't have anyone in either of those places. But this day was a sign of the times for me. I felt compelled to tell my newfound friends that this is not a joke. The end times are near. I'm walking on campus crying, telling them they need to be saved. I was like,"I just met you guys, I don't want to lose you." I think they sorta patted me on the back, trying to comfort me. But it wasn't about the tears, I wish I hadn't cried at all, it was about what I was saying. Jesus is coming back real soon. It's about your souls.

I think that's one thing my friends remember about me freshman year. I was on fire when I came to school. Over the years, I fell off, backslid, did a lotta things I shouldn't have. All of it was stuff I thought I wanted to do. And not to glorify sin or anything but I had a really good time. But it didn't last and my sad times took me to a place I don't ever want to be again. Thank God, once again, I didn't die in my sin. Ain't no coming back from that. So today, I wish I had been a better example. But you can only lead people as far as you've gone.

And I was mad young, only a baby in Christ with babe-like enthusiasm. Oh boy, I was about to go real deep in this...... but I'ma stop. For now. I had planned to lay out my testimony on here one day. The real story. Where I reached my turning point and everything. I just haven't done it yet. Still not hiding it, if you ask I'll tell.

But I finally feel like I'm getting an education.

It's gettin tight up in here

Well I'll say this if there was anything I wanted to hide, I learn to hide it well. That goes for facebook, internet or anything else. I don't think of myself as hiding things, I just don't volunteer too much information. If you ask, I won't lie.... because I'm not good at it.

So this may seem like I'm switching subjects but I'm not really. Stay with me, it'll connect. Last week's daily Bible reading for those of you who have the One year Bible was in Job. I was watching Fred K. Price and he said something I'd never heard about Job.

When people would talk about Job they would say how he was tested and never cursed God through it all. Everything was taken from him, yet he still he endured and in the end he was restored.

Dr. Price said that Job let the devil do all that stuff to him. Through his confessions of his fears (Job 3:25) the devil knew he could do what he wanted to Job.

25 What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.

He grumbled and complained and took all the blame. What have I done to deserve this? Why is God doing this to me? God you are soveriegn so I will accept all that happens to me.

No, that wasn't God doing that to him. God said what you allow to happen, I will allow to happen ( Matt 16:19). He gave us (his children) authority over the Earth.

Dr. Price then went on to say that Job should have taken his rightful authority over the devil. You don't have to let the devil do anything in your life. He will bring tragedy into your life if you let him. And sometimes by doing nothing you let him rule. He doesn't have the power, you do. Not until Job repented was he restored.

How do know what to confess and what to keep? Well the Bible says confess your sins to one another so that you can be healed (James 5:16) but fear is not of God 2 Tim 1:17. The only one you should fear is God. And when the Bible says fear in reference in respect to God it doesn't mean be scared of, although you probably should...It means to humble yourself in the ultimate respect for God or to be in awe of God.

So, how does this relate to me? Well, I hate conflict. If there's anyway to avoid it, I will try. Even if that means hurting myself. So in a way that was a 'fear' of mine. But seems that these days conflict is coming from every which way. I used to combat it through avoidance, shutting up when I should speak, taking all the blame. How do I do it now? By taking a deep breath, looking at my circumstances and taking it head on before it comes at me in a crunk way.

When I was in my rebellion against God, I ignored all signs of trouble even though I could see it, so I ended up swimming in it. I would say I'm going with the flow, but Satan was controlling the flow. Now because of that, its harder for me to see the trouble coming, but I'm getting better at it. Soon my senses will be so sharp, I can see it coming without having to put my foot in it.

I can see my growth in this area. When I used to get into conflict with people I used to have to talk about it with everyone. I had to get their opinion and to make sure they agreed with me. In the end I was more upset than when I began. Now, I know why the conflict came, I'm confident in my point of view and there's no need to discuss it with everyone, only God.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 1 Cor. 13:11

When I was a child in Christ, I did childish things. Now I'm growing up and putting those things behind me.

Can I wear boots now?

My mind is going in a couple different directions today. By now everyone is aware of the new facebook feeds. It has taken stalking to a whole nother level. However, I don't feel like they're invading my business or putting it out there on the street. Whatever is in those feeds is stuff I've already put out there for everyone to see. So stalk away people! I mean I already have a blog where I tell most of my business anyway.

Plus being a closet facebook stalker myself, its just made easier for me. It's still kinda wierd though, they giving me info that I didn't even ask for. Kinda takes the fun out of searching for stuff.

I'm anticipating practicing with the worship team next week. I haven't seriously listened for parts or harmonized in a very long time. Me and Cole sing, but mostly we play around. I love music so much. We were talking about being the female Neptunes. We sing and dance where ever we go. It never fails. Someone starts singin, next someone's making a beat.And we don't half step. We go all out. If you saw us in the mall, you'd be in for some entertainment.

I've been a fan of this site called pandora.com. You can put an artist or song in and they suggest songs like that song or artist. Well I put in Donny Hathaway and oh boy. I was so surprised at all the songs I know. I feel so old. My parents musta been playing this stuff while I was in the womb. It's so funny listening to Donny live and hearing ladies screaming in the background.

I must point this out though, that most great singers started out in the church. Under the anointing is where the gift flows. Donny started singing at 3 years old! And killed himself 30 years later. It's so sad. Don't allow the devil to take you out. Some people continue to flourish outside of the church but its short-lived. What do you have when people stop listening to you? If you sing to the Lord, you always have an audience.

I can't listen to secular music only. I feel empty after a while. When we listen to worship music or sing praise, the Bible says God inhabits our praise. He sits in on our praise. If you want God in your life, sing praise.

It's that season

I've been having mad prophetic dreams lately. I'm getting excited. The crazy thing is they've been recurring dreams for the past 6 months, but they're getting better and stronger each time.

I would put it all out there, but I don't think I should talk so much about these things. I may have been talking way too much. Most folks ain't ready to hear all that I'm hearing. But don't doubt, I'm so excited. God is REAL!

This is a good day. SHOUTOUT TO TIFF TIFF!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE OTHER HALF OF MY BRAIN! YA DITKITKIKIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!

PLUS Milyaka is coming today!!! I haven't seen her in....its been too long. I'm so excited to see her!!!!! (Too many exclaimations?)

THEN, its Wednesday! Church tonight! I love my church dude. It's not a game.

That's life

I went to my grand-parent's 50th anniversary thing this weekend. It was great. I had a really good time. Getting reconnected with my aunts, uncles and lil cousins, there's nothing like it. One of my lil cousin's told me that me and sister just left them. We used to visit all the time and then we just stopped. When my parent's got divorced we moved to Illinois then OK and didn't visit Memphis that much because my dad didn't have it together. And that was like 10 years ago. That's what divorce does. But anyway, now all the boys are tall, really tall and all the girls are lil divas. We had fun. And yeah, my speech on behalf of the grandchildren when well. I don't remember what I said, I improvised. Made my sister cry though.

These days, I have to say I feel really good. I find myself smiling for no reason. God's plan is becoming clearer and clearer. Next is the time of making decisions. Some are already being made for me. Some I will have to make. It's cool.


I tried out for the worship team for our college ministry BIO(Bring it on) called The Experience. I made it. Yay me! The kicker is they want me to sing soprano. I'm an alto. I've always been an alto and at times a tenor. Soprano? Are you kidding me? I guess its time for me to stretch. I have been pretty lazy. Picking the lowest note I could find. Sitting pretty in my range. This oughta be interesting. Cole's pretty happy though. She's a natural soprano. When he asked what part I sing, she shouted out, "Soprano!". I was like, "Nuh unh, alto, second alto, tenor. Thank you." They just pullin me out of my comfort zone.

favorite things

Few of my new favorite things:

Lisa McClendon- A great gospel-soul artist. She's taken the place of India.Arie for me.

Vanilla Bean Cheesecake with a graham cracker crust from Burger King. It's really good!!

Ay yo

If you're smart you'll stay close, cus I'm doin BIG things. Otherwise you gone have to watch from the outside!

So good

Just as I thought God confirmed what I was going through in church on Sunday. Bishop Gary preached on "Setting the gates of praise". God is so on-time. That's why I know this church is for me.

This is my mindset nowadays on changes in life.

If I get fired. GREAT! Friends walk out of my life. AWESOME! People talk about me behind my back. WONDERFUL!

Don't get me wrong, I'm cool where I am. I don't wish that any of those things would happen to me, but they do. My job is cool, but if I was to lose it it wouldn't be the end of the world. I honestly cherish all the people in my life and am still working on making these relationships better. Every single one. BUT, I can't control what they do, only what I do. And sometimes I make wrong decisions. So I work on me and go on in life. When one door closes, another opens.

God just says,"Don't worry bout that, I got something better for you."

So that's how I stay happy. As long as I keep working towards God, I have no worries. It ain't easy staying there, but its more than possible.

I'm preparing to go out of town for the weekend. My grandparent's 50th anniversary in Memphis (Dad's parents). They nominated me to speak....who nominated ME? My sister's the oldest grandchild. I haven't even seen my grandfather in.... its been a while. And I saw my grandmother at my other grandmother's funeral, but before that it had been some years. I still don't know what to say. I figure 50 years, say something about longevity. Yeah?

Good 50th anniversary presents anyone? Cus my favorite gift to give is either what that person has told me they want or gift cards. That way they don't get stuck with something they'll never wear or use.

It's bout time for a change of scenery. I hate that I'ma miss church...but not mad that I'ma miss work!

cute story

So I was at my second job last night. I work retail so I was checking out this family and the mom went back to get some other items. Meanwhile, the dad was holding their lil boy. A cute lil blonde haired boy of about 2 years old. He was lookin at me and so I reached out and said "You wanna give me a hug?" and he came to me. Then he wouldn't go back to his parents. I asked him if he wanted to stay help me clean up, he nodded his head yes. I even put him down and he reached for me again. His mom was pleading with him so I could finish checking them out. He wouldn't go. Then she says, "You wanna go home and see the puppy?" He looks up, nods and says, "Puppy." His dad says, "He's such a flirt." It was so cute....Can I get someone closer to my age though?


By the way, I may be slowing down at that second job because I'm getting more involved at church. I'd never thought I'd be one of those people who would want to be at church everyday of the week. But I love it. So I may just end up working there a couple days out of the week. It's not real source of income anyway. God is. But I like the discount and even then I don't NEED it.


I've been using this word a lot lately so I've made great use of dictionary.com.

Awesome: an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc., produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like

In slang its something that is very impressive.

I know the TRUTH: Rejoice

Man, I have really felt like I've been under attack this week. Been having to praise my way out of a bad mood everyday. But it comes back everyday. And people at work and other people aren't helping. So I been just listening to ministry and praise music.

Thought it was PMS because that's the only thing I can think of for being upset for no reason. But its definitely not that. Is it fatigue? Nope I been gettin my rest for the most part. I can sleep all day and still wake up with an attitude. That ain't Jesus.

Gotta be something coming my way. Something BIG. I recieve it. And I'm letting y'all know so you can be a witness to God's works.

On Wednesday at church Bishop Stone came to give a prophecy and said we're about to see God do what we've asked for in prayer. Now when you rejoice its praise before you see the outcome because God has already done it. He gave the example of when theres a replay in sports. Even though you may not have seen the actual play, which is why you need a REplay, you can cheer because you know the outcome. People can cheer at the replay because they know its already happened. They don't have to wait for the replay to cheer, they'll just cheer again when they see it.

Same thing with rejoicing. I can shout NOW, because I know God has already done it. I rejoice NOW.

In the Army

How do you prepare a soldier for war? You put him in war- like situations. Things are no different spiritually. All that we go through is to prepare us for war. Don't be decieved, there's more to life than what you can see with your own eyes. Satan is your enemy. He hates you and he wants to kill you. Point blank. How does he do it? He don't do it himself. He's more like a Charles Manson. He gone make you believe its what you want to do. Then you end up killing yourself.

He distract you while you're having a good time. We partyin, partyin, drunk all over the place, not looking. Then as you come down from the high, you find out there were tiny pieces of glass in your drink. Cutting up all your insides. By the time its in your system its too late. You're already dying. You may not drink, he may come at you a different way. But in the end its the same result. You're killing yourself, because in your mind and heart you believe that's what you want.

God did not create you this way. Satan means deciever. He been lying so long, that people start to believe him.

This is the greatest part. It doesn't HAVE to end in death. All hope is NOT lost. The love of Christ is able to restore all things. Even things that are beyond recognition. What does it take? Trust. Trust there is someone who can take care of all the things you can't handle. Give it up. Some people are searching, searching all the time for something. They look right past God and He's just waiting on you. Waiting for you to open your eyes. People will learn about every other religion, ritual and practice. Believe in psychics, ghosts, witches but not the Holy Spirit. Ignorance is not bliss people. It's death.

I was watching Fred K. Price yesterday and he said something great. Christianity is not a religion. People have categorized it that way so it can be identified. Christianity is a man. But of He is more than a man, He is the Christ. The redeemer.

People have the hardest time submitting to God. But he is GOD. He don't have to prove nothing to you or me. He owns all this! But He gave it to us and even though we keep messing it up, He says, 'It's OK. You'll do better next time. Keep goin.'

People think I'm getting to fanatical about God. That is fine with me. I have SO much confidence in the Lord. I know there's nothing else out there.

It's about to be a war. The devil ain't playin with us. He trying to take as many people out as he can. Why should I pity-pat with him? I have to be about my business. But I don't want him taking none of my friends with him to hell. At the same time if that's where they CHOOSE to go, what can I do? I MYSELF will not be saving anyone. Only Jesus Christ is the Savior. I can point them in the direction, but only they can make that decision.

Where do you start? The Bible says, If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart and , you will be saved. Lemme break it down.

Confess with your mouth: You must say it aloud. There's power in your words. Let the devil hear it!

Jesus is Lord: Lord means owner. That means He's got this! He's the owner, the Creator. Who knows more about a product than the one who made it? You have to give up to control. He gave us free will, so we have give the control. But there's only two choices. God or the devil. If you ain't serving one, you serving the other.

BELIEVE: It starts with belief. Faith. Faith is trust. Trust is confidence. I looked up confidence on msn and I found these definitions: belief or trust in somebody or something, or in the ability of somebody or something to act in a proper, trustworthy, or reliable manner and a relationship based on trust and intimacy.

That's the relationship part.

It doesn't end there though. You gotta find out what the Creator wants for you. He gave us a manual for living. Full of examples of how people failed and got back up. What to do in every situation. And when we don't know what do, He gave us people who have gone through to ask. AND if they're not there, go to the Creator Himself. He answers prayer.

Here I am

It's been so very long. I missed you all so much! I was taking a lil internet break, a fast if you will. I only used the internet I had to. Stayed away from sites like myspace and facebook for a week. Was it hard? Only in my boredom. Then when I checked, not much has changed...... Of course, it was only a week.

Those who missed me the most are the ones I only talk to on the internet. For them it seemed I'd dropped off the face of the Earth. All they had to do was call.......

I have to get my time management in order.

Discernment. I need discernment, Lord. Time to make some choices. I receive it. Thank you, Lord.

Learned a lot in that time. I became a big fan of www.streamingfaith.com. I can watch my favorite preachers like Dr. Creflo Dollar or Dr. Fred. K Price. For those of you who can't get to church or don't know where you would want to go. My church is even on there! GREENWOOD CHRISTIAN CENTER!! So you might even see me on camera sometimes.....

I am taking a class at church right now. They call it School of Leaders to get you prepared for to have your own discipleship group. Its like real school too. I got homework and everything!

In fact, I think I'ma do that right now.

Gimme some work to do

Well that whole "me not wanting to be around people" thing didn't work out so well. I ended up repenting all day. First, I had to say Lord forgive me. Then, I had to say it to the friends I had snapped on.

It was that womens' thing. One of my group members said,'Did you take something for it?' I said, 'Oh I didn't have cramps, I just had an attitude.' What do you take for that? Prayer. Because I knew I was oh so wrong. We all laughed it off.

Didn't get to see Fred K. Price. But tomorrow, definitely going to see Creflo Dollar. That's the homie there.

Praise God

I just praise You Father because You know what's best. Even if I don't know the reason I know You have my best interest at heart. Thank you Lord.

Well! Tiff has arrived finally got on facebook and things. Now we gotta set Britne up and we'll be ret to go.

Today I just don't feel like being around people. However, I think I'm handling it quite well. I want to go home.

Last night I went to sleep at around 6pm and woke up close to 9pm and then went back to sleep at 11pm. I got a meeting tonight and I wanna go see Fredrick K. Price preach at the Mabee Center. We'll see how that goes.

Proverbs 31- Virtuous Woman

I love the Amplified version.

10 A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman--who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls.
11The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil.
12 She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.
13 She seeks out wool and flax and works with willing hands [to develop it].
14 She is like the merchant ships loaded with foodstuffs; she brings her household's food from a far [country].
15 She rises while it is yet night and gets [spiritual] food for her household and assigns her maids their tasks.
16 She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect of her present duties by assuming other duties]; with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard. [S. of Sol. 8:12.]
17 She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm.
18 She tastes and sees that her gain from work [with and for God] is good; her lamp goes not out, but it burns on continually through the night [of trouble, privation, or sorrow, warning away fear, doubt, and distrust].
19 She lays her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20 She opens her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her filled hands to the needy [whether in body, mind, or spirit].
21 She fears not the snow for her family, for all her household are doubly clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes for herself coverlets, cushions, and rugs of tapestry. Her clothing is of linen, pure and fine, and of purple [such as that of which the clothing of the priests and the hallowed cloths of the temple were made].
23 Her husband is known in the [city's] gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes fine linen garments and leads others to buy them; she delivers to the merchants girdles [or sashes that free one up for service].
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; she rejoices over the future [the latter day or time to come, knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it]!
26 She opens her mouth in skillful and godly Wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction].
27 She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness (gossip, discontent, and self-pity) she will not eat.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, fortunate, and to be envied); and her husband boasts of and praises her, [saying],
29 Many daughters have done virtuously, nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], but you excel them all.
30 Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised!
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates [of the city]!

Did I get an A?

I had a revelation about tests this morning. God tests us not to see what we are going to do, because I believe he already knows, but for us to see what we are going to do. It helps us gauge where we are in our progress. Whether we pass or fail can tell us if we have more work to do in an area or we can move to the next task.

I can see growth in an area. I told one of my guy friends that I loved him (just as a friend). That's a big step for me. It was hard for me to give males any compliments, let alone tell them I love them. I can tell my girl friends I love them all day long and how nice they look and how great they are. My guy friends would get none of that. Even though I called them "friends" I still had a bitterness toward men. I can see the growth. I love the Lord.

I like it

I finally got some rest! Thank you Jesus! I was convinced I had to work, so I took like 10 min nap and got up to go to work, exhausted. I walked in to see my name was not on the schedule. I checked with my manager and she said,"You're not on the schedule, but you can work if you want to." I was like," NO, I want to sleep! I mean, I have to sleep. Thank you, bye." And ran out. I don't know if it was my mistake or just because the Lord knew I needed to sleep, but I'll take it. They would not have wanted me to work in the condition I was in. They would have lost sooo many customers. Praise God.

I have a new resolution that I will buy more dresses. Dresses are so easy. One piece makes an outfit. All you have to do is accessorize. It's a genius idea! Plus its too hot for pants anyway.

Always on time

This was a pretty amazing weekend. Friday, I really can't remember what I did. All I know is that I wanted to see Making the Band 3 and stayed up to watch it. Not the greatest idea since I had to get up the next morning and go to a 7am meeting. Secular music is whack these days as far as the writing goes, but they got hot beats out there. I just love watching the recording process unfold. Saturday was a combination of cleaning and sleeping until I went to work at 6pm. For once I was completely rested and full of energy. Little did I know I would need every bit of that rest.

My friends were having a Diva Dynasty(that's what we call ourselves) slumber party. And for your information, you are never too old to have slumber parties. I plan on having one for my wedding. But since I got off late I came over after I got off work. We had to go back to Nicole's to get some things.

Her mom is a minister. I just love her so much. She is an awesome woman of God and you just wanna soak up everything she has to say. Well she had some words for us. She ended up talking to us and teaching until 5:30 am. I don't feel like the time was wasted at all. It's such a priviledge to have people so close to God be accessible to you. Prophets in the midst. And she was so very on point with her prophecies. God is so on time when you need the correction and encouragement to go to the next level, if you really want it.

I had to wake up at 6am for prayer anyway by the time I got my phone call, I had to tell my cousin I hadn't been to sleep at all. I did a skimpy lil prayer (forgive me Lord) and tried to sleep for about an hour. Got up, picked up this girl for church and prayed to stay awake. I did and church was great, but after church I had to go back to work. Speaking of church, I think wearing my high heels may have made me pull a muscle and I'm sore. Y'all know I'm outta shape. High heels are a work out. It's truly sad.

I went home and fell asleep for 45 min when I was only supposed to sleep about 15 min and was a lil late for work. At first I was like I don't know how I'm gonna make it the next 4 hours. So I tried to stay away from people because I can be cranky when I'm sleepy (Some have been a witness, it ain't pretty).

When I got my 15 min break I got an expresso and they put me on the register, then I was right out there with the people so I had to be personable. I didn't wanna talk to people, I was fine restocking and stuff. But NOOO, they had put me out front. I ended up having fun. When I left I went to go pick up the things I'd left at Nova's. Me and Nicole went and washed the car I was driving, I cleaned the kitchen, played with the neice and tried to cook some chicken. (Didn't get to eat any). I feel once you're going you might as well keep on going. Of course I slept extra hard last night, but I am so very sleepy today. Still gotta work the second job tonight. My po body. I shall be sleeping tonight and not accepting or making any phone calls, so leave a message. Love ya.

People, people

Yeah that chocolate surprise....I got a surprise alright. It was OLD! I don't even think chocolate should be that color. No wonder they were giving it away for free.

Slept a lil better last night. Of course it was on the floor.


Starting to plan the Homecoming trip. I told Nicole that depending on how many people were coming, we may have to get a mini-van. She flipped! She hates mini-vans with a passion. I wonder how mini-van's came to traumatize her this way. She says: "That is not sexy! That's like taking a mini-van to the prom!" Then she suggest a Dodge Magnum. That's a station wagon! The way she feels about mini-vans is the way I feel about station wagons. We'll figure something out. Gotta find out how many people are coming first.

Randomness

I used to think that Black people had the monopoly on chicken, but I think the Chinese people got us. When you think about it we are only associated with fried chicken and if you include West Indian people as Black, then you got curried and jerk chicken. That's about it. But I was at the chinese buffet and they got, bamboo chicken, sesame chicken, general tso, chicken fried rice, orange chicken, bourbon chicken, AND fried chicken (its good too)!

I was just thinkin I got a chocolate bar in my other purse. The manager at Arby's gave it to me for free. It'll come in handy when I'm hungry and I forget I had a chocolate bar in my purse. A nice lil chocolate surprise.

I think its a good time to work out when you can hear your bones cracking and your joints are sore for no reason. However, I refuse to work out until I get my MP3 player. But even if I did have an MP3 player I probably still wouldn't have time to fit it into my schedule.

Last night I tried to make it to bed at a reasonable hour. I made it about 11ish. Not bad. Then I couldn't sleep. Kept waking up during the night. I figure its my bed. I slept on the floor all last week then my back started hurting. I think I slept better down there, maybe I just need some more blankets.

Everybody at this company thinks that they are invaluable to this company. It's true they are. But they think that they are the most important to the company. Not true. When will people learn the sum of its parts are greater than each part separately?

Yeah right......really?

The cockiness of some people blows my mind. But what can you say when you know its the truth? Are they really being cocky then?

Let's look it up:

over-confident: arrogantly confident and sure of yourself

Yeah that's them.

What's funny is, they still be tellin the truth, but in arrogant way. Do they have the right? Perhaps.....or maybe we could go about it another way. No disrespect, I kinda like it.....

And it's also funny how people observe things you didn't know you were letting them see. Am I that transparent? Yes, sometimes I can be.

In the meantime, in between time

I really need some order in my life. I think it all starts with the sleep I'm NOT getting. But as my girl Nicole pointed out, even if I am chillin at the house at 9pm I will not go to sleep at 10. It just doesn't happen. Oh but it needs to.

Plus, the Lord has been convicting me because my spending is ridiculous! And its starting to make me mad. Maybe I need to fast to get some focus. Because this is a roadblock. BUT the next thing on my list to buy is either some headphones for work or an MP3 player because I can't take this silence. It makes me restless, then I end up on the internet. But when you share an office you must be considerate of others. Music helps me focus though.

Speaking of roads, I presented the idea to my friends about going to Hampton's Homecoming in October. They seem excited. Then they said they wanted to drive. I was like....ehh I just did that a couple months ago and it almost killed me. But yes there will be more drivers hence, more people to put in for gas. Plus, I spend almost everyday with these girls already. It's an opportunity for pictures, stories and goofiness. We'll see who's down around October.

Random sidenote: Why doesn't Outback Steakhouse open till 3pm? That's just outrageous to me.

day by day

As was expected the graduation ceremony was awesome. God really showed up in the place. Even though it lasted till almost 2am, I'm glad no one got short changed on what God had to say to them. I just thank the Lord for prophets. That's a great responsibility. Prophesy means to speak life. That's what it did.

I had an amazing weekend. Watching my friends graduate the following day, let me see how blessed I am. I got some powerhouse women in my life. Thank you LORD! But also it helps you appreciate the anointing on people. When you think you know someone, you get comfortable with their gifts. You stop appreciating what you have right next to you because its so close.

My friends have requested that I put my prophecy on my page. I really wanna pray about that first. I still have to listen to it a couple more times myself.

On Sunday, I had to teach childrens church. It was an experience. Anything with kids is an experience. I don't really kick it with kids that much, but I enjoyed it. I really had to put my selfishness aside. I wanted to be out in praise in worship. I wanted to be taught, not teach anybody. It was fun though. So, I volunteered to do it once a month.

Sunday night was sooo much fun. Hangin out with my girls. Don't worry to my other girls, you are irreplaceable. We created a whole page of quotes.

Nicole bought me a t-shirt that says 'Pure Genius'. She thinks I'm so smart. Just cus I have a wealth of unusable knowledge. As soon as I put the shirt on I began contradict it. I think those were my most blonde moments. That's why I got my hair highlighted. To explain when I say dumb stuff.

Pure

Today is the day of my graduation. I'm so excited. I feel like its my wedding day. I'm contemplating not wearing make up because i know how big a cry- baby I am when it comes to church. The tears are real, but I have big alligator tears. They drop to the floor like water bombs. It's a given that I will cry at my real wedding. Although I hate crying in public when its because of anger or embarrassment, I'm ok with it if its tears of happiness or repentence.

So I ended up gettin about 4 hours of sleep last night doin my hair and kickin it. I'm paying for it right now.

Still putting together my life purpose. I'll have something before tonight.

To give is better

Did you know suffering was a spiritual gift? Have you ever been glad NOT to get a gift? But its a gift because those people are able to endure and be an example to others who are going through.

Suffering. The extraordinary ability to endure hardship, pain, and distress with an amount of joy and fortitude to inspire others to endure their suffering and to lead others to accept God's offer of salvation made possible in Christ's suffering (p. 180).
Matthew 16:24, Mark 8:34, John 18:11, Romans 8:17,
2 Corinthians 11:23-27; 12:1-10, Philippians 1:29ff., 1 Peter 4:12-14

I found this when I was looking more into my spiritual gifts. I took this spiritual gifts test through my purity class. Its crazy because I didn't do it when I was supposed to. When I finally did it, it was confirmation of things others had spoken into my life and things I'd heard from God.

What are your gifts? Everyone has them.

Check out the church lady hat:

Fresh Start

So yesterday I had my meeting with my group leader who is also my cousin. I got her teasingly about snapping at me the day before. Just like I thought, PMS. Yeah so she's excused. I understand that because I get short with people when I'm cramping too. Some people actually like that "straight the point" response. Really I want YOU to get straight to the point because I don't really like to hear people talkin to me while I'm cramping. Rub my belly or somethin and shut up. Get me some tea and shut up. Yeah...its like that.


So in the meeting we decided collectively as a group to get up at 6am and have prayer. We each call one person and they call someone else, you pray for 30 min and then you call that person back when you finish. It's great because you are praying for one another and you can start your day early. This was the first day. I hope everyone is able to keep it up.

sounds in my head

So I've been fasting from music for the last couple weeks. You'd be surprised what songs pop into your head. Songs I haven't heard in years and I know ALL the words. Craziness.

I still have the most boring assignment at work, so I'm on the internet. Everyone keeps assuring me it will get better. I still think of it as temporary. I'm an artist, I need to be creative.

Going to get my shoes to complete my graduation outfit.

I am overdue for some new contacts and since my neice broke my glasses, I need some of those too. Next paycheck, yes!!

So ready to get my own place. Looks like it will be pushed back another month. It's ok, I'll deal. More time to get money saved and get a car. I don't plan on rushing things and ending up somewhere I don't want to be.

My cousin got mad at me because she was telling me about this deal in the apts she used to live in and I told her we'd looked at them and didn't like them. She gave me this 'Well it doesn't matter to me. I HAVE a place to live.' Now that was really uncalled for. You know what I think it is? That time of the month. She gets really snappy during that time. Taking it out on those close to her. Yup. I'll just pray for her. I know she's just trying to look out for me anyway.

I've become a fan of that USA show Psych. Where the guy makes people think he's psychic because of his observational skills. It's made me wanna be more observant but at the same time I don't care that much.

My old roomie has made a whole album on facebook dedicated to the Heat. I just found out thanks to her that Dwayne Wade and his wife have been together since they were nine years old. That's so cute!

so much for the rules

i know I'm not supposed to be on the internet at work, but it is so incredibly boring. yes, i have a task to accomplish but it doesn't take any brain cells to do it. I'm falling asleep at my desk because of my huge nap yesterday i only got 3 hours sleep last night.

That's what I'm talkin bout

Oh Church was really good today. But there were some scriptures I wanted to share because it was just what I was writing in my diary last year.....Not like this, but basically it was the same concept. This is from the amplified Bible. I love the amplified version.


From the Book of Romans:

18 For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot perform it. [I have the intention and urge to do what is right, but no power to carry it out.]

19 For I fail to practice the good deeds I desire to do, but the evil deeds that I do not desire to do are what I am [ever] doing.

20 Now if I do what I do not desire to do, it is no longer I doing it [it is not myself that acts], but the sin [principle] which dwells within me [[a]fixed and operating in my soul].

21 So I find it to be a law (rule of action of my being) that when I want to do what is right and good, evil is ever present with me and I am subject to its insistent demands.

22 For I endorse and delight in the Law of God in my inmost self [with my new nature].(A)

23 But I discern in my bodily members [[b]in the sensitive appetites and wills of the flesh] a different law (rule of action) at war against the law of my mind (my reason) and making me a prisoner to the law of sin that dwells in my bodily organs [[c]in the sensitive appetites and wills of the flesh].

24 O unhappy and pitiable and wretched man that I am! Who will release and deliver me from [the shackles of] this body of death?

25 O thank God! [He will!] through Jesus Christ (the Anointed One) our Lord! So then indeed I, of myself with the mind and heart, serve the Law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.


Yes that's basically what I was saying only more poetic and stuff.

On another note:

I think BK is trying to kill people with all this meat on their burgers. Either that or they just ordered too much and are trying to get rid of it. It's crazy.

Oh yeah today at church I broke out my big hat. It was like the hat was a celebrity of its own. We even took pictures. Soon to be on Facebook.

What now?

Well, I've been told I can't be on the internet at work other than on my lunch hour. Eh, who knew? Not me, I've been doing it for about two months now. I'll follow the rules though. I can't stand being chastised.

I'm getting ready for my graduation from my purity class at church. I'm so excited! It's just really given me reason to spend money. Betcha the outfit is gonna be bangin! And watch out for the shoes homie! Of course its not about the clothes.....its really about the Lord. But there will be pictures.

I've learned so much through this class. Even more than when I was in college. None of that has made nearly the impact of this class. It's about learning intimacy with Christ. Gettin down and personal with Him. It's been amazing!

I've been meaning to write about our soul-ties ceremony, which was mind blowing. Also I think about this lesson I learned through the class: God made a purpose for everything, but the purpose for everything is not known. If you don't know the purpose for something, you will abuse it.

So for the completion of the class we have to write a life purpose statement and life purpose scripture. At the ceremony a prophet is going to speak to each of us personally. I know that's gonna be just out of control! I'm trying to be ready.

I believe this is going to be one of my scriptures:
You are to be holy to Me because I, the Lord am holy, and I have set you apart from the nations to be my own.
Leviticus 20: 26

I picked that one because my name means holy and throughout this whole process I've been hearing 'you've been set apart'. You have no idea how excited I am! It's scary and exciting to find your purpose because when you do, you have to start walking in it.

you can't catch me

Man this has been a busy week, but with two jobs and all what do you expect. I've made myself a schedule because things are not getting done and I'm tired of looking at my room the way it is.

My roomie and I narrowed down our apartments to two. I finally told my mother I was moving out. Her reaction was "OK". That's definitely not what I was expecting. No yelling, no objection, nothin. I guess she's as ready for me to go as I am. So now that there's nothing in the way, we moving full force ahead.

So this job that wants to hire me permanently has told me I have to work here for about 2 more months before i can become permanent. Even then I may not get much more than I am getting now. We shall see. Needless to say I have to decided to keep my job search open. But I will stay here until I find another one. Seems like you can't get a job till you got one.

Woman

So, last night after church I was chillin catchin up with my girls. A 10 min convo turns into 2 and a half hours. Yes we talked about sooo much and still wasnt done when I had to leave because I gotta go to work.

I am amazed at sometimes how well I know myself. I have 'sometimes too honest' in my facebook profile. Yeah, that's me. And during the conversation last night, I had to lay some things out on the table. Tell it like it is. I know when to shut up. I keep quiet most of the time. But then there's a time to SPEAK. And when you ask me to speak, be prepared for what's about to come out. I don't hold back anymore. I don't have time for that. So we were laughing and things, but I know I was hittin some spots.

They were like, 'I surprised you haven't gotten into any fights with that mouth! You are hard. Or at least had a good shakin!' And I said, 'Well, people love me.' But the thing about the truth is if it's the truth, it will come to pass. And you can get upset, but you gotta get over it once it comes to pass. You cannot deny it.

One funny thing they also said that they were talkin about how grown I am. I laughed.

Yeah, you're real grown. Like, 'go take yourself and sit down somewhere' grown.

Well I didn't realize my adulthood was showing through like that. I've felt above my age since I was 12. I had a father who wanted to be my son and a sister who would act like she was the younger one. Some one had to be the adult.

I still laugh when Chris calls me a 33 year old. He's used that joke since last year. It's still hard for me to say I'm 23. When people ask me, I'm like twweeeenty......three....yeah twenty-three.

Embrace age as it comes.

Randomness(Been a long time!)

1. I can tell within the first 4 seconds whether I will like a song or not.
2. My daddy said I could read the dictionary at three.....Not that I doubt my intelligence but wouldn't I have heard more about that by now?
3. So I told a male friend of mine I'm gettin my hair permed and lettin go of my afro and he said, Good. Maybe you can get a dude now. I said, Shut UP! I am not my hair! I am not this thing....somethin, somethin, somethin (India.Arie). I liked my fro its just time for something easier.
4. I'ma hair rebel. Guys say they like long hair, I cut it. Everybody goin natural, I get a perm. There's something wrong with that. Rebellious for no reason.
5. Don't you hate when people say something is ok then they go and complain about it to someone else?
6. My co-workers are killin me with these Chuck Norris jokes.
7. I can be quite condescending sometimes. Bear with me I'm working on it. Just the fact that I know and can admit it is a step.
8. Still on a mission for an MP3 player. Furniture is #1 priority though.
9. I've become more of a fan of myspace lately. More quizzes and crap to keep me busy.
10. I notice that sometimes music can remind you of a place you've never been. Where is this place? I miss it.
11. Is 'dancery' a word?

Oh boy!

CONGRATULATIONS MIAMI HEAT!!!




Yes it was a lovely game! Shout out to Dwayne Wade MVP! He's an awesome player even if he is married....But yes, did you notice he gave God all the glory? Amen! That's the way you do it. Give credit where credit is due!!

I think I titled this blog so very accurately. I ask myself that almost everyday. Where do we go from here? Sometimes I have the answer, sometimes I don't.

I ask my friends where are we going from here? Yeah well I'll just see when I get there.


I don't know how I'm gonna make through the next few hours. I'm cold, sleepy and already complaining. I guess its time for the coffee. Today is my first day working at the second job. Hope I make I it through. I just wanna see my bed.

I'm so excited about getting my hair done on Saturday. I wanted to alert my co-workers that I will be wearing the same hairstyle until Saturday. And that's just gonna be the way it is. It will probably be more torture for me than them. Some people here wear their hair the same everyday anyway.

Being cold also makes me scatterbrained.

it has come

Yes people I have finally reached my breaking point. I think I'm bout to just give up.....I'ma go ahead and get a relaxer. I've been natural for oh a couple years now I think. Now I'm just too busy to sit up, straighten and blow dry it. I only got a perm a couple times a year anyway.

I'm tired of trying to figure out what I'ma do and I'm not a braids person nor do I have time to sit and get it braided.

Yup I think that's it. I did enjoy wearing my curly fro sometimes. I think I'll give it a good-bye on Saturday. Once more for the good times.

smh

him : i think i could have made you love me
me : lmbo
me: where did that come from
me: why do you say that?
him: cause you said i wasnt your dream dude
him: n i think i could have been
me: hmm i dunno


that was so totally random. we're talkin about kids one moment, the next: this. it's so funny to me. and before you take his side thinking he's pouring his feelings out and i'm just mercilessly laughing at him. he has a girlfriend, who he says he's married to. where does this even come up in your thought process?

now the sad thing is, back in the day....perhaps if some things had gone differently, yes. but i wouldn't put that in his brain.

men, when you make decisions, make them for your future, not just in the moment.

now perhaps this came with his ego. i could have made her love me, no doubt. and i'm like yeah sure whatever. did i just take a shot at his self esteem?.........SO?! Ioncare!

he's still my homie, love him to death, but will he always wonder what if? i don't know. will i? nope. i refuse to live my life that way. today is today, yesterday is gone, prepare for tomorrow. it's all about the future.

i need someone who can be with me where i'm goin. i need a man who will pray me through. who will minister to me. who will encourage. who knows the Lord in depth. i can wait. there's still a lotta work to be done in me. *sigh*

on the bright side

well, i had become so busy in life that i didn't really have time to get myself in order. now that i'm sittin at work and have nothing to do, i've started settin up my budget, i opened up a savings account, started my life plan. what makes me happy? what makes me unhappy? well i started thinkin about my life plan.....

last night at my 12 meeting(i'll tell you what a 12 is in a minute) we watched No More Sheets by Jaunita Bynum. when it was over everyone was stunned to silence. I reccomend it to anyone guy or girl who feels trapped by sex. it will at least get you thinking about what you want in life.

at my church, a way they have in helping you through the process of the Christian walk is by puttin you in a 12 group. the concept of a 12 group is as Jesus had 12 disciples, if we disciple 12 people and they disciple 12 people, the vision is that much closer to becoming fulfilled. your 12 group has a leader and you meet each week to discuss what you've been goin through and for prayer.

it's a wonderful concept. life is hard enough, you need support and you tend to go through more stuff when you're trying to do right.

the verse i am meditating on right now is habakkuk 2:2

2And the LORD answered me:
"Write the vision;
make it plain on tablets,
so he may run who reads it.
3For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
it hastens to the end--it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay.

so i'm coming to a point in my walk where i can tell that some of my friends are tired of me talking about God. but i can't stop. it's too important. i can see what they are doing to themselves. i can see what their future is going to look like. none of it is good. and i see God pursuing them and they keep running just like i did. and He didn't have to pursue me, but He did. who am i? you think its too hard for you? everyday is a struggle for me. if i can do it, you can.

I'll tell you what...

You ever been so cold, you couldn't eat? That's how cold it is in here. I can barely think. I've done a couple productive things in my day. Still got 3 and a half hours to go.

Went bowling yesterday with my church people yesterday. It was the youth against the college ministry. With there being 72,343,455 of the youth and 10 of the college age folks, I admitted defeat before we started. Plus I couldn't remember the last time I'd bowled. I think my final score was like 31 or something.

Well Lookey Here

So I found out that my sister's "boyfriend" is moving here and they are looking for an apartment together. That still doesn't change the fact that I wanna move out. This is what I'm looking at. IF he even comes, I give it a month before one moves out. I can't even imagine what it will be like in that apartment the way they argue on the phone.

She says I can have her bedroom furniture. Because of her previous record, I'm wary about taking it. I might have to hear about it for the next ten years.

I really do want her to be able to do her own thing and be successful, but my sister is hard headed and I know what that's like. So people like that, you gotta let em bump their head.

Don't pray then worry

I thank God for my friend Nicole. She's been a blessing and a half. Laughter when I need it, a listening ear, and just plain fun. My new partner in crime.

Of course I don't think of her as a replacement. None of my friends can be replaced. Everyone makes their own mark.

This thought just popped in my head while at work. I miss Milyaka. She so close yet so far away. Sometimes feels further than when I was in VA.

I miss Tiff. We used to talk 5 times a day. It feels like I haven't talked to her in years. I talked to her yesterday....But it was just once. That wasn't nearly enough time.

I've got an interview today for a second job. I'm certain I will get it. So between two jobs and church, I will have very lil time. Better get to me while you can.

I can see the path

The first time I felt like I was in love was freshman year of college. I met a guy. He was pretty cool. Funny, handsome, had some of that sarcasm I liked. Plus, he really had to get my attention. I was interested in a couple other guys at the time. Yes, it is all about the chase.

This was the kicker. I used to and still do from time to time have these gut wrenching, bawling over, make you wanna slap EVERYBODY type cramps. When I would see him or talk to him on the phone, all the pain would go away. Just like that. So I thought this just has to be love.

Of course I got played and my heart was shattered. But that was my first feelings of love. I think we only ever kissed once.

Yeah the second guy of college was all physical passion. Making out, cuddling and affection. Very little words were spoken at all. I can probably count the conversations we had on the phone one hand.

It lasted two years.....I liked him and I told him that. I just didn't know what else to say. We kinda faded out, but remained friends. Just friends. Only made out once after that.

The third guy.....with him it was like being roughly shaken from a deep sleep. It's startling, kinda makes you mad, but you wanna see what all the fuss is about. What's gonna happen next. There was emotional passion, physical passion, long conversations about nothing and everything, but no spiritual growth. God was not the center there or in any of them.

I think of these three most often. What I did, what I let happen, what I should have done. I didn't go looking for them. They found me. I won't go looking again, but I'll be better about my filtering process.

Look at God

So it seems the company I was working the temp job for liked me so much that they asked specifically for me to come back and help in a different department. And I just got word today she's going to put in for me to become permanent here after the contract is up. I needed a job and now I have one. Amen. It's not where I will end up but it works for now.

As for personally, before I had men problems I had family problems. Now that I don't have men problems....I got family problems. Me and my sister are not getting along AT ALL. To the point where she just isn't speaking to me period. I've learned that its just her bratty nature. If I don't do what she says its like, 'Well don't ask me to anything for you EVER again'. That's manipulation. I won't have it.

My problem with her is she has no respect for me or my property OR anyone else for that matter. She feels like she can set the rules for our relationship and if I don't want it her way then I just can't be her sister at all. If she says we're cool then we are, if she says we're not then we're not. That's not the way it supposed to work.

She constantly throws the stuff she bought me back in my face (stuff I never asked for). I'd rather she take it back or not do anything at all than have to hear about it. She does not talk to me, only at me. It's either do what I say or don't talk at all. She's continually spiteful. It's crazy!

People have pacified my sister all her life. She needs some hard truth. She has no ambition and no drive. I won't do that to her. She needs to know. She yells at everyone and expects to be able to do it to me. I have to stick up for myself and when I do, I get blamed. It's like them against me in that house. Who wants to live like that?

So as soon as I am able, I'm gettin out. I already have a roomate. Started lookin at some places. I love my family, but this ain't right. I'm not even mad or bitter. It's just the reality of things.

How is that God? He's just helping me get a thicker skin. Plus, you need some haters in life. They are the ones who will tell your testimony. I heard that in church on Wednesday.

Bitter Sweet Nostalgia

Sometimes I miss college a lil bit. I had soooo much fun and by the grace of God I'm still here. So much freedom, so lil responsibility. When you're at home, mom feels that she has to be mom because she's mom. That can be a good thing and a bad thing. Sometimes you need her to be mom and sometimes you need her to let you be grown. Yes I had MAD drama and to balance it out I had MAD fun. Depending on how I'm feeling I could focus on the drama or I could focus on the fun.

Speaking of things I'm gonna miss, I'ma miss this job when its over because I'm working as a temp. The people here are really cool, there's always something to do, I can go to lunch whenever I want, I can leave when I want and I get to use the Internet! Plus they are taking ME out to lunch on Friday. YES!! I love free food! But I must move up and out hopefully with better pay.

Still can't wait till I have my own place. My goal is to not have any more roommates that I'm not married to or didn't birth myself. The roommate situation wasn't so horribly bad, I just don't wanna do it anymore. But I'd also like to have a car and some furniture to put in it. I know.....I'm so high maintenance.

Looking forward to X-Men this weekend. Looking forward to gettin paid. I've almost forgotten what it's like to have money.

In the deep dark abyss of my brain

You ever wonder where some pictures you know you've taken have gone? You remember where you've taken them and who took em, but you never see them. Kinda scary to me. You never know what people could be doing with those pics and who they're showing them to. Can I give my permission? I guess I released my rights when I posed for the picture, huh?

You ever been just going on with life and then you see a face you hadn't expected to see in an unexpected place and almost die? I did. Yesterday. My heart almost stopped while lookin through facebook. I saw a face that I hadn't seen in about two years. I guess I have some unresolved issues.....


I was lookin through my phone the other day and I realized I have all these numbers in there that I don't call, won't call or have no reason to call, and I can't bring myself to erase them. There was a time when I would be quick to erase a number. It was almost a reflex. Did it without thinkin. Some of you have been a victim. But now I can't seem to do it. I dunno why.

That Juanita Bynum is on point. I'm so in awe of her spirit. I was listening to one of her CD's about marriage and she said she didn't mean to get on that subject but God pulled her that way. She started out talking about intimacy in marriage, how wives need to set their spiritualness aside when it comes time for lovin. Put that Bible down and put on a negligee! Go'on to Fredrick's and Victoria's Secret. She's a mess! One thing she said is, 'God help me to be a wife and not a knife.' I like that she points out that just because people get married they think that automatically makes them a wife or a husband. Not so. That's why the Bible says "He who findeth a wife, findeth a good thing." You should be a wife before you get married. It's a responsibility that goes beyond the title. Not saying I'm thinkin about marriage at this time, just learning some lessons for when it comes.

There's no place like home

Yeah so, I'm tryin not to sound like a sad person which is why I haven't blogged much lately. And I'm not even sad...It just sounds like I am. Just trying to find my place in this world. Waiting for the time when I feel at home where I am rather than like an inconvience. Where there's peace and not drama. A steady paycheck and a savings account. When I can kick it with my friends. When I've got my schedule together and I don't waste time sleeping because I'm too tired to do anything else. I am in pursuit of the life I want.

Sorry Holly Juice if it sounded like I didn't have fun there in Hampton. I did have fun. Didn't see the excitement in my face. I still had a few heavy things on my mind even while I was there. Tell your man I said hi next time you go to Jillian's and get me a stuffed animal while you at it.


She was a wonderful hostess. Had dinner ready as soon as we got off the road and I was hungry. I know I rushed past her to get to the shower, but I was much nicer and fresher smelling when I came out. When you've been on the road for about 20 hours, it just ain't right to be huggin on folks. That's just gross.

I now know I can drive anywhere in the country after driving straight from Oklahoma to Virginia and back. Me and Dani are true soldiers. I'm not too anxious to do that again anytime soon though. But I shall be back to Hampton to see you Holly and Kiana, because I wanna go to the beach and MacArthur when I have some money.

I want people to stop saying they're married until I see an actual marriage license, wedding dress, something. Y'all scare me when you do that.

I've felt the need to write some people letters who've I've lost contact with. Some of my mentors.

Oprah's Legends Ball was lovely. Even though I was wondering why Ashanti was there and Beyonce wasn't.....Ah well it's Oprah. Me and Tiff have decided to plan our own Legends Ball. Yeah you wish you were invited.

Oh yes! I'm soooo happy my girl Danielle won Top Model. Reppin the ROCK! I was honestly surprised. I thought they would give it to Joanie. I'm excited.

Yeah that's about it for now.

chillin, chillin, chillin

I know people have been wondering where I've been. If I could tell you, I would. Honestly, I barely know. Everything is in the process right now. So many good things have happened. Some bad things have happened. I'm trying to deal with it all without breaking down or shutting down.

I wish I had some fun things to share. I know I've had fun somewhere in the past month I just can't put it together enough to explain. I'm in a contemplative mood right now.

I went back to Hampton this week. I tried to make it to the graduation, but we left from Oklahoma too late. I did manage to make it to Milyaka's graduation though. You have to sit their boring speeches, watch 1000 other people you don't know walk across the stage just to see the one person you came to see get their degree. It was worth it though. I think that was the best graduation acceptance I've ever seen. She was dancing in the line, then after she told the announcer how to say her name she did this karate-like Micheal Jordan thing. It was awesome!

I was excited for her. Even though it brought back memories of my ceremony and yes, I'm still a lil bitter. I was thinking, Aww this is just like my graduation....except you got to walk across the stage.

Yeah so going back to Hampton was an experience. It was so good seeing people that I had only been able to reach through the phone or internet. But there was a different lil feeling there. Not like Hampton's not the same. Like I'M not the same. I had fun though, I was just ready to come back home.

Of course, I come back to drama. Drama = my sister. And that's it. She's all the drama there is. And she creates it, drags it on and then blames everyone else for it. I have to keep her in prayer.

I need to get a facebook pic up somehow. I know my friends are tired of looking at a question mark.

Road Trip!!!

Yeah I don't think I've had my bags unpacked for more than three days in a month. Now I'm bout to get on the highway again. I think it always helps that I'm used to traveling.

Congratulations to all the graduates! Hope you get to walk in YOUR ceremony. Yup, I'm still a lil bitter about that.

Why doesn't anyone say bye when you hang up the phone anymore? They just end the conversation and you hear the dial tone.


I just felt like I should post something. I've been too busy to sit and write these days.

Bye-bye Grandma

My grandmother passed away on May 2nd. It was her 73rd birthday. Since she's been sick for awhile I knew it was a good thing that she wasn't in pain anymore. She'd just had her other leg amputated and was always saying that she was tired. Thank God she lived a saved life so that I can be glad in knowing she's in Heaven. She knew it was time to go and she said her good-bye's. She said "I'll see y'all in heaven." The hardest part for me was hearing how my mother reacted. I was still at my cousin's house taking care of the kids when I got the news from my sister. When I got home she hugged me and said, "My mama is gone." I said I know mama, but she's not hurting anymore. And even that night we started to remember Grandma and all the funny things she'd done or said.

So we set out on the road to Arkansas. I was listening to a Creflo Dollar CD when he said this scripture, "it is better to be absent from the body and present with the Lord". So I found it in my Bible, 2 Corinthians 5:8 and we put it on her obituary. Funerals are one of the times when you have very little time to do anything and I must say that the people of Augusta, AR have to be good at this kinda thing. Everytime I turned around somebody was bringing us some food.

I figured I had to be the strong one. Coming from a spiritual perspective, I knew there was not much reason to be sad. Even though I will miss her so much and it will be weird going home and not being able to see her there, I had to be a tower for my mom, aunts and uncles. There were times when I started to cry, but I knew if I got going I wouldn't be able to stop.

We were able to view her body before the wake and she was absolutely beautiful. Her hair in soft ringlets and she was wearing a white dress with a pink scarf. She looked totally at peace.

My little cousins and I sang at the service. I took my time, knowing that I hadn't sang since high school in front of people, remembering this was for my grandma and not about me. We did very well if I do say so myself. It was a packed church with standing room only because everybody loved my grandma. And everyone who spoke did a great job of describing her. My aunt got up and sang 'Walk around Heaven'. When she sang, 'One day you'll look for me and I'll be gone. I'll be walking around heaven all day long.' I just broke. Then my great-aunt got up and said, "I knew her better than anybody, so don't expect me drop a tear. She told me, 'Girl, I got to go. I'm tired. I'm going to Heaven." She knew what she was doing. Even my niece Araia understood what was going on. She waved at the casket and said,"Bye-bye Granma".

Even though it horrible reason, it was great to see everyone. So many people I hadn't seen in years. People I hadn't seen since I was a baby. My grandma was our center. I just pray everyone keeps it together.

Continue to keep my family in prayer.

I can't see the future

This morning I woke up a mother of three. I have two teenagers and a seven year old. We had morning prayer, I cooked breakfast, kissed the teens and sent them out the door. Woke up the seven year old, ran her bath, got her dressed, did her hair, and walked her to the bus stop. Not only am I a mother, but its the young one's birthday. That means I gotta go take treats to her class. You remember those days? When you got cupcakes on your birthday? I still remember my mom making cupcakes with pink frosting and putting my initial on it in icing.

Anyway, yes today I am a semi- working mother. Actually if you think about it, I'm a step-mother because I ain't give birth to these kids. And then I'm a single step mother because I ain't got no husband. That means I need to get to work soon. Aight as soon as I finish this.....

My cousin actually left me in charge of her house for a couple days. I promise she's trying to groom me for motherhood. She said, "You're going to be a great working mother when I finish with you." I used to say I didn't like no kids but my own and that meant my neice Araia. But kids in general are starting to grow on me. I'm not saying I want any, I'm just saying I'm getting used to the idea.

Now what shall I do for the rest of the day? Finish the kitchen, get dressed and ah yes WORK.

On the ro-ad

Seems like I'm gone just about every weekend and I love it! Went to Illinois for my cousins' wedding. It was so weird that she was getting married. As soon as I saw her she said, 'Hey cuh-cus!' That's what she calls me, Cuh-Cus. Brought me back to the last time I saw her, which I must say has been a very long time. She and my sister were really close because they're about the same age. Those two goof balls used to do the weirdest things.

Now, she's married. Everytime I go to a wedding, I sorta made a lil check list in my head: What not to do at my wedding.

First of all, I will NOT be doing anything ON my wedding day. Probably just hair, everything else will be taken care of before that day. I should be relaxed enough to go to a spa or something. Everyone will be referred to someone else. I have decided to put my sister and Milyaka in charge of most things. My sister because she's bossy and used to delegating, Milyaka because she's organized. I don't wanna hear about no problems, I ain't giving no directions, I ain't pickin nobody up from the airport, none of that. Just put me in the dress, send me down the aisle, on to the reception and off to the honeymoon.

Secondly, sit the flower girl(s) and ring bearer down after they get down the aisle. They tend to get antsy.

Thirdly, no toungue with the kiss. It's so traumatiziing to those who have to watch. Y'all know how I feel about PDA. Yes, even on the wedding day. It can still be romantic without being outrageous. Save all that for the honeymoon.

Aw, it was so cute watching her reminisce with her bridesmaids about their college days. They brought up what she said she would do on her wedding day back in college. She said, "When I get married I'ma have my bridesmaids stand in the aisle, and say ,'Bridesmaids! BREAK IT DOWN! Pump it, pump it, pump it!'" And did three booty pops. I was crackin up. Sounds like something me and Tiff would say.

She had twelve bridesmaids and the way things are going looks like I'ma have at least eight. I got 4 heartbeats, 2 sisters, 2 fraternal twins from other mothers, my bunny and who knows who might come up. If my fiancee has sisters....my goodness. My cousin's wedding was beautiful. There were tears but it was all good.

My sister and I made it through the weekend without killing one another. Aside from the 10 hrs there and back, we didn't spend any extra time together. We were already talking about needing separate rooms when we got there.

Oh but there are so many more road trips to go. That's the kinda thing you can do when you don't have a real job. Leave on a whim. Might as well do it while I'm young.

Sisterhood? I'm ALL for that!

Oh my goodness!! The Women's Encounter was wonderfully awesome on top of wonderful. I went hope to hear from God and I did. I went hoping to feel better about women and I do. All of it was right on time. I have so much more to say but I'm kinda tired right now and I'm about to go cook. I'll holla at y'all later.

Sisterhood? Oh puhleeze

Yo, I was almost ready to be done with all women today. With me not having too many friends here at first, I forgot the drama that came along with being friends with women. So many misunderstandings, feelings gettin hurt, DRAMA. I don't know if men deal with this kinda thing other than when dealing with women. I feel sorry for men. Other than the fact that I'm not attracted to women and I don't agree with the whole homosexuality issue, I know I could never be a lesbian! Man its hard enough just being friends with them.

It's so funny that when I first went to college I found 4 other girls who shared my view about women. We called ourselves the Five Heartbeats. And we could not stand girls. Now ain't that crazy? Five of us just chillin and didn't like our own sex, but everywhere we went we were rolling at least 8 deep. Throughout college all my friends said they didn't get along with females, but we all remained friends. And oh yes did we have our dramas and that when we would say,'That's why Ion't even like females!' Except Tiff, we ain't never had no drama like that. Maybe that's because she's used to hanging out with guys. I understand you now TIFF!!! I feel you homie!!!

If I could find some dudes to hang out with that didn't smoke, drink or curse, oh it would be sooo cool. I could chill. I'm so good at chillin. It's what I do. Give me some movies and some food and I'm cool. I even watch sports. Any sports, really. Oh yeah and they can't be tryin to like me, strickly friends.......Yeah if we gone be hanging out, they need to know Jesus on a personal level.
That's all I need. Is that so much to ask for?

Yes, I know. I'm trippin. That's like tryin to find a needle in a haystack.

I'm SO glad I'm going to the Women's Encounter this weekend. Maybe I'll learn something about women because this is ridiculous.

I hate to be isolated

Happy Easter everyone! Oh boy do I love a good road trip, even if it is a short one. Went to see my best friend perform in an Easter production at her church. I tell you, this girl deserves an Academy Award. She was on point.

I went with my homegirl Nicole. We barely knew each other was in town and now we're inseparable. She's mad cool. She brings out my goofy side. It's healthy to be goofy when you have so many heavy things on your mind.

Twinkle, twinkle

Ah yes, I finally got some sleep! I collapsed on my couch first around 9pm then got in the bed at 10:30. Woke up refreshed this morning. I actually think I have more energy than neccessary.

I am absolutely in love with this Adrianne Archie CD. I'ma have to buy it. Can't wait until I get that Ipod.

Insomniac on the loose

I can't sleep. Haven't been able to for the past few days. The thing is I'm so tired. Like really tired. And I'm almost certain if I was to get in the bed I might just fall asleep. Can't be sure though. Seems like when I get in the bed its not real sleep. By the time I get into some real sleep, I hear people moving around in the morning for work. I feel the tension all in my body too. Is this one of those subconscious things? I hate those. Hiding stress from myself. Deception, I tell you.

Listening to this singer, Adrianne Archie. I'm starting to love it. She may replace Teedra Moses and y'all know I love me some Teedra. Her voice is so soulful and smooth like silk.

I don't feel like taking these contacts out. But I won't sleep in them.

My grandmother is having her other leg amputated.

Church was wonderful. They had the children pray for the adults. They're so small you have to get on your knees for them to pray for you. I'm talking bout 6 and 7 year olds praying, crying, and worshipping. It was powerful and so genuine. I've never experienced anything like it.

I didn't even take a nap today. Maybe like seven minutes but that's it.

I've been trying to get back to VA, but I don't think I should try. Just a feeling I get. I'd have to fast just to prepare to go back there.

Another feeling I get is that I have to divest from a group I've never really been in yet. I feel a ungenuinuity (I know that's not a word, work with me) from them. I like for people to be real with me and not act like they're scared of me. That makes me uncomfortable. Makes me feel like they're hiding something. Why are you hiding? What am I gonna do to you?

I'm loving the mentorship and strong Christian women I'm meeting.

I think I'm done rambling.

Everyday A New Beginning

Yeah so, I thought I was an independent woman of today. Apparently I have more to learn before I can be totally independent. My cousin calls to see if I have a jack because she her tire blew out. At least I do know that most recent cars have one of those kits in the trunk. BUT I don't have the slightest idea how to use it. I figured she knew how. Nope. There were three of us out there that had no clue what we were doing. We finally figured out how to jack the car up, but when we tried to take the bolts out the tire kept spinning. Luckily a truck driver stopped and helped us out. Clearly, you gotta loosen the bolts before you jack the car up. *smacks herself on the forehead*

Pick up the pieces

Man things are so crazy right now, I know there's a blessing in store. I'm so fired up! I'ma have people stop calling me because they're afraid I'ma preach to em. That's OK. I've kept my mouth shut for too long. There's some things that have to be said. And even if you don't call, I'm still gone pray for you. The Bible says, 'The prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective'. And 'effective' means it works! And I can honestly say with confidence that I'm righteous. I couldn't say that last year, but I can say it now. Man and y'all should be glad if someone is praying for you. If you think things are bad now, just think if you were not covered in prayer. God's grace is sufficient, but it don't last forever and some people keep ignoring his call. I was one of those people. And there was a time when His grace ran out and something happened to me that should have woke me up but didn't. Oh I didn't mean to go into all that. I just want to praise God for his protection and grace over all those I love.

Community Service

When I first got here I believe I was complaining that I didn't know anyone here. And now I rethinking that whole thing. See without any friends, that would mean I didn't have any obligations to hang out with people, remember birthdays, or call people. I was free. Now I've met some people through church, reunited with some high school friends and so now I've become obligated. I was afraid this would happen. I started to get comfortable in my solitude. Isn't that lazy?!

I went to a birthday party of a girl I met at church. She's invited me to be in her discipleship group they call your Twelve (like Jesus' twelve disciples). So I get there and am immediately thrown into decorating and errand running for the party. I call it my initiation into the Twelve. Of course I didn't really know anyone there except for the birthday girl. Everyone else I'd only seen at church or had never seen them before in my life. I got my mingle on, we played Taboo, which y'all know it my game. I had to keep my competitive nature to a minimum since I didn't know these people, y'all know how I can get. No one got hurt this time, my team won both times. Oh it was a great time.

Then today church was off the chain. We had a guest speaker, preaching a message on how important it is to actually come to church. Not look at it on the internet. Not watch it on TV. Not hold Bible study luncheons instead of goin to church. He subtitled it "Get in the HOUSE". It was so great that I could have stayed in church a couple more hours.

After church I went to my friends' house and went grocery shopping with her mother while talking business. It's funny, everytime I tell someone I have my Marketing degree, they tell me about a business they're starting and how they need a marketing person. Well I'm just waiting on someone to give me an opportunity. I love her mom though. She's a powerful woman of God and you just wanna sit there and soak up all she has to say. I'm excited to work with her.

Both nights I got in pretty late. I bet my fam was sayin, she gets some friends and now she ain't never home. You got that right buddy!

So I'm getting out of my comfort zone, meeting new people, becoming involved and making a difference. Yup, this'll be interesting.

Ah yes, today is the celebration of my bestest true blue friends! Welcome to your almost mid-twenties BUNNY!!!! Hope your birthday is 100 times better than mine.

Everything happens for a reason

I am in the process of a reformation. I realize how off-putting, how rude, how spoiled I've been and I am changing. I was a mean girl and I still have my moments. But even in trying not to be mean or insensitive, I stopped speaking up for myself. Now in preparing to be submissive, I in no way plan to be a doormat. I've been there. I refuse to live my life that way. Theres a fight in you for a reason. Too many times, I let my fight go. And sometimes I've had put the fear in some people. Sometimes you have to let people know you can be a lil crazy just so they don't walk all over you. But in those instances you are actually crazy. Is it worth it? I'd rather be a crazy lady than get played as I have been. But why should it even have to come to that? Why must I get crazy to get some respect?

I read something about submission today. Submission is an act of faith. A wife's obedience is not from intimidation but a quiet confidence which is the fruit of trust in God. 1 Peter 3:1-7 and Ephesians 5:22 calls for the woman to submit to her husband and the husband is charged to lovingly give himself to caring for his wife, never exploiting the trust of her submission. I like that, NEVER exploiting.

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. ~James 3:17

Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.~1 Corinthians 15:33

Let's avoid one another without appearing to do so.

Oh yes, its time for a reformation. I've been misinterpreted most of my life, even by those closest to me. But now I will be perfectly clear about what I mean and who I am. It's time for a change.

Let's talk about love

"If at anytime [in a relationship] you can tell someone WHY you love them you no longer love them."

When I heard this statement I instantly knew what it meant, but there seemed to be some confusion. I'm not saying you have to agree with me but I want to clarify. I am almost certain that I quoted the speaker correctly because I am human I could have made a mistake. The only word I am questioning is "can".

Now I am not saying that you shouldn't say why you love someone or that people won't. Undoubtedly at some time in your relationship you will feel led to say, "I love you because....". And I am sure its true for you. I still feel that if you love someone there is no way you could possibly tell them ALL the ways that you love them. It's sort of like "Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways...." I don't think you can. It should be limitless. I'm a romantic, what can I say.

As Tiff and I got into heated discussion I tried to explain what I felt when I heard this statement. It was made before a sermon about God being our source and our father. All things come from him. Love is inexplicable and God is love. I felt that he was talking about love as God loves us, its unconditional. God doesn't tell us why he loves us, but he shows us. And I'm sure at times we all do things that are pretty unloveable, but there is nothing we can do to make God stop loving us. Nothing.

There are different kinds of love. Storge: familial love, Eros: erotic, sensual love, Agape: all encompassing, unconditional love, Philia: friendship love and I read about this fifth love, affirmation which has to do with both giving and recieving love. Usually when people say why they love someone they say, 'Its because you do this' or 'You make me feel like this' or 'I love when you do this'. Those are all conditions that can change. If they don't do that thing or they no longer make you feel that way, will you stop loving them? If so then its not love. As 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserves. Love never fails." I love those scriptures.

Then I asked in what instance would you ask why? Something in my spirit felt wrong about that question. Why? To ask the question why holds insecurity. If you have to ask why about someone's feelings, most of the time its because you don't believe that they feel the same way as you do. Why are you my friend? Why do you love me? Or you just don't know why and you're asking to find out. WHY don't you know? I feel that if you are in a Godly relationship, as it should be, then God will let you know that that person loves you. If you have to doubt then its not love.

I also think the people that asked me about this statement were not thinking about a Christian relationship. Maybe they were thinking about past relationships. And for the record, history together is not a reason you love someone. It's a stronghold. You might stay in the relationship because of history, but that's not why you love them.

In that same instance, I pray that my husband's life is in line with God's will. That he and I both deal with whatever spiritual issues that we have to deal with long before we get married. The Bible says wives should be submissive to your husbands, but I believe that the husband should be worthy of submission. He has to be the head of the household so I pray that he is able to lead. I've had a hard time dealing with the issue of submission, never having witnessed a man worthy of submission. But I don't think I would have a problem doing that if I found a man who was worth it. Now that's my own issue, but yeah I hope I cleared up the love issue.

I'm a CHAMPION!!!

I'm incredibly sleepy because I didn't sleep much last night even though I remember dreaming but there are some random thoughts I wanted to post.

SO this morning while getting ready I was thinking, 'Man its hard being a girl. You gotta pick out cute clothes, do your hair, smell all good, put on make up and jewelry. It take a lotta preparation.' Then I thought, 'Scratch that. It takes a lot to be pretty girl. No wonder it takes Tiff so long to get ready.' On a daily basis I can be cute with no make up and lil preparation, but to be pretty it takes time. The DIVA is on her way.

WHO called it?! I knew that white girl on Black.White was gonna start liking black dudes! She was just too in awe of black culture. But I noticed something. She was always complimenting him. "You must have been voted best smile" blah blah blah. I was thinkin, 'That's so gross. She's blowing up his head.' That's just not something I do. I am not a flatterer. I feel its more about the actions than words. It's very rare that you will hear me give a dude a compliment. You gotta be pretty secure to be around me. That's because I think dudes be feelin themselves wayy too much. I will break a mans self esteem. But that is something I would like to change. People need to hear that kinda stuff sometimes. Work in progress people!

My neice snapped my glasses. Just broke one of the arms off of it. I'm not mad at her. More so at my mom and my sister for not watching her. And I know that's what it was. Oh well its time for some new ones anyway.

sleepy, I go night night now.

Dancing in the flowery meadow

AH! I finally got to go to Arkansas this weekend. When I don't tell anybody that I'm leaving, I finally make it out of town. Spent some time with my family that I haven't seen in a minute. I saw my grandma, gave her some love. When people ask me how she's doing, I don't really know what to say. She just had a leg amputated, but I don't really think she knows its gone. Sometimes she'll say her 'feet' hurt. When she sees you, she gets really focused and stares. Its hard to look away because she's staring so intently. This is the first time I've ever thought my grandmother looked 'old'. Everytime she saw me, she asked about my mother who was still in OK. It's because I look like my mom. It kinda hurt to tell her she's not here and that she wouldn't be coming anytime that weekend. She asked about her all day and just would not let up. Usually, she forgets about stuff after awhile, but this she would not let go.


For the most part I stayed with my aunt in the little town where my mom is from. I got no service on my cell so I had a lotta explaining to do to those whom I forgot to tell I was leaving. (Oops forgot I had some obligations!) So yeah.....staying with my auntie yielded a couple surprises. It's kinda weird because my aunt has a grill. Yes. A grill. Her front teeth are outlined in gold. Now y'all know I can't stand gold teeth with a firey red passion. But this is my favorite aunt. My Katie Mae (sounds like this: Katamae). I had to get over that shock quickly. Plus seems like her daughter has been harboring some resentment towards me. Had to handle that. The kid is 15 years old and she tells me that all the time she gets the speech, "Kita is the perfect role model for you. Kita, Kita, Kita". Sounds a lil like "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha". I had to let her know without telling my business that I'm not perfect, though it may seem so. And shoot I was there way before she came along. Kate is my homie fo life. She's like my second mother. When I was little I was with her all the time. She spoiled me because at home it was all about my bratty, drama queen sister. I retreated to my corner. I was a loner and I stayed that way till college. Life is funny.


Everytime I go back there I realize how country my fam really is. I mean even my accent came out and it may be here to stay. Not the refined southern accent my friends are used to. Nope the country one. But at least I ain't start changing words. Now you might think you know a word, like ornament. In my definition that is something you might put on a Christmas tree, but nope its something you would use to heal a wound: ointment. Now that blew my mind.

I traveled down there with my Uncle Otis, his wife Gwen and my Uncle Robert Charles from Cali (yes, we call him all that, Uncle Robert Charles) . Found out some things that maybe I wasn't ready hear concerning some illegal substances and stolen property.

The funniest thing happened while at the nursing home. Well just so happens there were a few tornadoes in the area. I drove my great aunt the 45 min drive to the nursing home. This is how she asked me to drive,'Did you say you wanted to drive?'. Well no, I didn't say anything.

Anyway, at the nursing home they took everybody into the hall in case a tornado hit. While sitting out there they served everyone dinner. This lady, her name be Lucille, started talking to me and my aunt, then I think she's tryin to get down the hall but another lady eating her dinner was blocking the way with her wheel chair. So I politely ask her if I can scoot her over so Lucille can get by. She says sure. I scoot her over. Lucille rolls up behind her and kicks her wheel. Twice. Like she was mad at her for blocking her path in the first place. Man ain't nothing like nursing home drama.