Revival

I prayed for a girl yesterday who was just going through some deep things and she said, "I'm all alone." I know this is a huge trick of the enemy to make us feel alone and therefore we become more selfish and we're never apart of a community. I've dealt with this issue personally because I'm a person who is usually alone. Sure there are times when I'm in big groups and there were even times when I would hang strong with a group of people. I remember a prophet even telling me that 'There will be times when you will run with many and times when you will be alone, but its going to be more alone."

That was hard for me to swallow at first because I thought 'what does this mean for my life? will I always be alone?' And the enemy really tried to turn that into loneliness. But God has really comforted me through the years. It has turned into a real testimony. The more I get comfortable with Him, the more comfortable with myself.

And no I don't really like big crowds. I don't like being the center of attention. I'm sure there will come a point when I will have to come out of my comfort zone. Because thats just how things work.

Anyway, we went to church last night and I didn't know what to expect. Joy just kept asking, 'What's this gonna be like? I'm just expecting revival!' Theres just something about coming with expectation. God honors that! It just ended up being a refreshing for some, a healing to others and a refilling for some. All in all, I pray everyone got what they needed.

I will wait for you

I feel like she's telling my story. This right here keeps me going!

ok so..

This conversation has come up twice in the past couple days and I didn't start it, but I'd like to comment. How do even begin?

Clearly, I'm single. And for everyone one that means something different. For some people that means that you are simply not married. But I am also saved. Which means that I have a relationship with Christ and I look to Him for guidance on everything. So people wanna say theres rules. Fine call em rules. But what I've come to learn is that they're not just rules, they're safety precautions.

So because I am a single follower of Christ, I am celibate. This also seems to mean different things to people. I'll clarify. No form of sex or anything involving the word sex. No pornography or masturbation. Not humping, rubbing or squeezing. I'm jus saying.

Well you might ask, how do you live?!! Since I have known what its like to have been involved with someone and then NOT be involved with anyone. I had a major withdrawal period. And just like any addiction, there are steps to being free of its allure. For me, it started with being open to letting it go. Being filled with the Holy Spirit was a huge factor. Then began my education about what sex meant spiritually.

What I have learned is that sex is so awesome, wonderful, fabulous because its meant to connect you to a person FOREVER! The chemicals released during sex ensure this. It's the way God designed it. That's only awesome when you WANT to be connected to that person forever. Some of y'all can't rid of some people because of this bond you created. Which is why its protected within the boundaries of marriage. If there's no guideline for sex then you have people having sex at the wrong age, time, places (i.e. elementary school).

Sex is meant for intimacy with another PERSON. It connects your spirits. So what happens if no one is there? What are you connecting to? I read Juanita Bynum's No more Sheets and she explains that when you orgasm, it opens up the spiritual realm to the point where all the spirits present are transferred. And if you're there alone its open for demonic spirits. This all depends if you believe in demons or not. It doesn't really matter if you do or not. They sure hope you don't. At any rate, when its all over you're still ALONE. I just think thats worse. What was the point? Its like scratching an itch. And when you're done, the itch is just more irritated than if you had left it alone.

This also explains when you have sex with someone and you find yourself doing things they do. Habits they have are now yours. That's the transfer of those spirits. Why are break ups so much harder if you've had sex with someone? You've connected your spirit with them. Also known as soul ties.

So when I experienced the separation and how extremely painful it was for me. It was a wake up call that honestly took several years. But again that's not everyone's experience. After doing something for so long that you become numb to the warnings and the effects. So the pain is not as noticeable. But its still there.

So I pray for my friends that still think its fine to have toys, "friends", watch porn because I know of the inevitable pain that will follow. If its not heartache, its depression or addiction or deception or torment. However, I know there's an alternative. I've been living it. I'm not going to say its easy although in some ways it definitely is. I found major security in knowing my worth and I've been saved from the pain of connecting myself to someone who only planned to be in my life temporarily. But I know that when I do, that my not being involved with others will help us have a stronger bond. Very much looking forward to that.

Discipline

MAN I have been having the hardest time with this. I KNOW I have discipline in some areas. I have to! But this fast that I've started is making me think that I have NONE. I almost think it would have been easier had I chosen to fast from food rather than TV. Which is telling me that this is absolutely the right thing for me to fast from.

But I'm just bored at home. The last thing I want to do when I get home is work or read. I want to zone out in front of the TV or find out what everyone else is up to through FB and Twitter. I don't have cable, so social networks are basically how I find out about world events. Plus, its how I keep in touch with people. Some of my friends will mention me in a tweet before they will text or call me.

Well that's it for my excuses. CONFESSION TIME: I haven't exactly totally completely been done with the social networks...I have banned myself from TV shows and but I've watched a movie or two. This is hard! Because although I can go to sleep in silence, I need some kind of constant noise. I'll try music...

Oh well, keep me in prayer.

What season are you in?

Had an interesting convo on the way to church and just so happened to be in a "carpool". Not really sure how it came up, but the guy driving began to go into how males at church see me. Oh yeah, I remember. He asked us ladies in the car if men in church approach us. I said, nope sure don't. Then he began to explain his perception of the matter. I think this is the gist (or at least what I heard) :

- You're unapproachable (because you have a "don't talk to me" look)

- unavailable because you're barely at church

- unavailable because you're always at work.

- You're not cordial

- Not conversational, very straight to the point

He said a man would look at you and assume you're either married or you're taken. You have a regal stance about you. But it just depends on what season you're in and if thats not what you're looking for then just keep doing what you're doing.

Well, all this may very well be true. I tried my very best not to be offended by these statements. And I took them and thought about them. I think it looks to them like I'm not giving anyone of them the time of day because frankly, I don't think they are worth my time.

Why even flirt if I'm not interested?

So, yeah of course I want to be married. But I'm not inviting all and any advances. To me, thats just a waste of time. Should I apologize for my security? I refuse.

He mentioned that a man may watch a woman for a couple months before he approaches her. Well if a man has watched me for that long and feels like I'm not worth talking to, then I don't think I want him to. And if he does try to contact me and I don't make myself available, trust me its for a reason.

Because I don't want to talk to you.

I cannot come down to appease someones insecurity. If they can't even approach me to have a conversation and find out how I really am then its just not meant to be. If he can't even approach me then why would I want him to run my household? And if we have a conversation and there's no chemistry, then I'm just done. Don't waste my time and I won't waste yours.

I thank God for keeping me all this time and the encouragement I get daily is great. However, I'm human and I think when, when will it be my turn?

And needless to say, this guy who brought up this conversation is not one I would even consider. Nor have I seen anyone I would consider in that church. Which probably is the reason for my demeanor. But it is something to think about.

I almost get tired of the stats. This percentage of this. This number of that. I'm over it. But, still optimistic :) .

I'm sure of the kind of man that will keep my attention and until then I'm cool.

Hypocrite

So I've been thinking and its been going on for a while now. It kinda started when I sat in on the youth bible study. My jaw dropped open when they began to tell us things they would see on a daily basis. Kids having sex in hallways because they figure what's the point in hiding it? I asked, so what do you do? They said, ignore it. One, thank God said I pray for em.

Most of these kids have been in church all their lives. Most of em look like they've been dragged there. But yet they know the right responses to give. What to put on their social network pages. They know what to tell their parents. They know how to hide their dirt better than most adults.

So, I began to wonder: Are we raising hypocrites? I mean not me technically since I'm not a parent. But I have cousins and lil ones under me. What deception is telling them its ok to live a double life? One thing is clear: they don't feel like they have to choose. They can have their Nikki Menage and their Kirk Franklin. Their club on Saturday and church on Sunday. Joshua 24:15 says:

"But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”

Matthew 16:24

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

Who is teaching these people? And do they even care? It's just disheartening and scary. Because if there's no compassion, they will do anything. They are our future and they have no regard or respect. No fear of the Lord.

Now Proverbs 22:6 says Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Did we train them for this? How do you even begin to raise a sincere and caring person? I guess it begins with being one in conjunction with prayer.

I know I'm not the easiest leader to be under, but I walk my walk. I'm not perfect by any means, but I honestly want and try to live right. I just wonder when we will stop raising people who want to blend in or follow whats hot right now or who are just plain selfish and start raising people who want to live for the kingdom.

Preparation

I had no idea when I moved back to Tulsa the training that I would be under. God you have amazed me day after day. I know its all for a reason. I won't be afraid.

Who do you think you are?

Have you ever been around someone who know is looking down on you? Or maybe a particular area of your life? I feel like I just got a taste of this from a person who used to be one of my really close friends. I say 'used to' because we haven't been so close for a while now.

I actually got confirmation about this when I talked to my cousin. But what it did was make me check myself. And if I've ever made any of you feel that I was better, then I apologize to you and repent to God.

There's a thin line between walking the straight and narrow and being self righteous. If you don't know by now, I am always willing to let you know that I am in no way perfect. Nor do I have all the answers. Although if there is a question I love to seek the answers for myself.

I'd appreciate if we all took ourselves down a notch. If we plan on correcting or rebuking one another, make sure its in love and not an effort to make yourself look better.

The adventures of JK

It seems every time my friend Joy and I go out of town SOMETHING goes terribly wrong. I say "every time" but we've only been on the road together twice. I wonder if after this she'll give me another chance.

For example, we went to Texas last year. We actually got down there without a hitch. But on the way back, I'd heard from friends who make the trip fairly often to take another highway because its faster. We did NOT know that there were a ton of tolls on this new highway. We didn't have enough cash...

First toll: Take this slip to the next toll.

Second toll: This is the last slip if you get 3, you get a ticket.

So we asked is there a place we can stop to get some cash? Mind you I ain't see one gas station between these last 2 tolls. She says theres a gas station before you get to the next toll. Stop there.

Driving....driving...nothing.

No gas station. No fast food joint. Nothing. As we approach the toll I see the McD's....after the toll. So I try to make the appeal that the last lady told us about the McDonald's. This lady, just nasty as she wanna be says, They told us about you. Pull over there, the state trooper is comin.

Dang. What do I do now?

The trooper was way more understanding than those stupid toll people. There was no need for that. PLUS the lady lied to us! So he volunteers to give me a ride to the ATM. Card doesn't work... He gave us one more chance. Joy came through in a pinch. Saved me from getting a $300 ticket because of like 4 bucks in tolls.

Which brings me to my birthday weekend....The first plan started out with a trip to Dallas with 3 or 4 of my girls. One by one, they start falling off. So to make it more feasible I say lets go to OKC. Shorter trip, more economical. At the end of the day, it was just me and my roaddawg Joy.

Lemme tell you: procrastination will get you every time. I got better for awhile, but this is a sickness. I gotta do things in the moment. It's terrible.

We ended up leaving late because I wanted to rent a car, but I paid my bill a lil later than I should have. I procrastinated even before this because I was planning on finding my license somewhere and couldn't. I couldn't very well rent a car with no license. So...I had to get a new one. Before we left.

BUT because I didn't pay my bill early enough (just one hour), the payment didn't post in time. Long story short we ended up going back to the counter 3 times before the I actually got the car.

Oh but this bad boy was sexy....A white Ford Escape. Ahhh Escape. Perfecto!

So because we got on the road late, we missed our reservation at a restaurant that I really was excited about trying. Went and checked in at the hotel. Which was sooo beautiful. Did a lil dancin round the room and went to eat....at Chili's. Womp. However, the food was bomb and I got a free dessert. A gorgeous chocolate volcano with ice cream on top. Until...a nasty piece of hair surfaced from somewhere. I got another free dessert to go.

Well somewhere in the middle of all this...I clearly forgot to pack anything....

No bathing suit

No contact solution

No flat shoes

No pajamas (this is something I forget often)

Wal-Mart to the rescue. I did at this point remember to get a bathing suit (which has inspired another blog) and pajamas.

Actual Birthday: done. Morning time comes and its time for breakfast. So I make my appearance at breakfast in heels and part of my outfit planned for that day. I sure know how to be a show stopper.

After breakfast, we get our swim suits on and go down to the pool. I didn't know that Joy was part fish. She was right at home in the water. I, on the other hand, didn't technically know how to swim. So she taught me! She said she thinks I was lying about not knowing how to swim because I didn't struggle at ALL. Well, hey I'm smart and I'm a fast learner. Besides...Pisces...hello!

In the midst of all this swimming and GREAT discussion, we lost track of time. The hot tub was heaven! I had to practically force the Lil Mermaid out of the pool. When we made it to our room, the key doesn't work. So we went down to the front desk.

Um what time is check out?

12

What time is it?

11:51

We make a mad dash to gather our things, take showers and get dressed. Imagine 2 girls trying to get dressed in 8mins...Craziness.

It wasn't til later that we found out about this thing called 'late checkout'. Something that the girl at the front desk made no effort to tell us about. Skinch. She saw that we were all disheveled and wet.

Now I can't find the stupid swimsuit I spent so much energy toiling over.

But we got our things together. I got some contact solution and we finished getting dressed at my best friends house. Because it was sooo beautiful outside, we decided to take a walk around Bricktown. Get a drink at Starbucks, got some Girl Scout cookies and ate some sushi. Living the life!

And that was our time in OKC... The details of the evening are not important. Had great evening after I got back to Tulsa as well.

The point of all this is that nothing went the way I planned. I could have chosen to be upset. Mostly at myself. But I chose to enjoy every moment. We had a blast. 28 feels good. And I'm glad that I had someone with me who didn't have an attitude. Who chose to laugh along with our craziness. That's my roomie! I think I'm done planning trips though. I think I need someone more organized to get the ball rolling. I just wanna go along for the ride.

Ok, now let me stop procrastinating and finish my taxes.

What is this?

For the past couple weeks I can say I've had something that resembles.....get ready.....a life! But shoot its tiring having a life. I may have to retreat back to my hermit- like lifestyle. I've had so much fun, but I feel like I haven't gotten anything done. With some new changes happening at work, I've been given a lot more responsibility than I asked for.

Every now and then its good to be pushed. Have I become the person I want to be? Not yet. But I'm aware. Clearly there's still work to be done.

This is excitement!

I'm super excited and I think this warrants a new blog because I am typing on my brand new beautiful laptop! YEEEE!! I've never had a brand new computer. Nor one that didn't break my back because I was trying to lug it somewhere. Or that I was too embarrassed to take outside. Now I got my internet AND laptop and its all working together! YAY! Praise God~

Laundry all night long

Since my last post I was snowed in a my friends house for several days then I just ended up staying there for like a week. At some point after I got my car jumped (because the battery died) and dug out from the snow, there was no point in me being there. I just got up and made my bed and went to work. I even went home and got MORE clothes. We had a blast.

We eventually had a rescue team come in and get us for some periodic dance sessions on the Wii. Which may have gotten us into a situation that we are now having a hard time getting out of. We' ll see how this goes. I was telling a friend to that it's fun when new relationships come from people who were always around. Take me and Joy for example. We were cool, but now I can really say we're friends. That's what happens when you spend a week straight with some one. Either you get closer or you kill each other. I'm glad it was the former.

Many revelations though these past few weeks, which I'm sure will manifest in this blog. Can't wait to share. Can't wait to get a new computer. Soon and very soon.

Snow Day

If you follow me on twitter you know that my computer died and I refuse to write an entire blog on my ipod. I just won't do it. As an update, well I still think don't think I've been spending my money as well as I could have. But I haven't been trying to ball out like I used to. So I'm more aware of where I'm spending. Budget my bills out first. So on and so forth.

I also had that hard conversation with my friend. Which had it moments. But I got my feelings off my chest. I'm glad I voiced my opinion and didn't just harbor resentment. She got to say what she felt. It was weird for a lil bit, but we got through it. I'm still gonna have to come out of my comfort zone. It's apart of growth.

We got a blizzard goin on so I'm snowed in. Getting all the rest I can stand.

Ok so

I don't do resolutions but I am gonna try something different and I'm going to document it for accountability purposes. So anyone who knows me knows I have a little bit of a shopping problem. It doesn't help matters that I work/live in my favorite clothing store plus I have a discount and we get crazy deals. So I have to decided to see how long I can go without shopping. The ultimate goal is 90 days. Shoot I'll be happy if I can make it 21 days. And I'm gonna start there.

So the rules are:

1. No frivolous spending which includes clothes shopping, eating out more than 3x a week or things at wal-mart that I really just don't need.

2. However every pay period I will allow myself to splurge on a lil something for the specified amount of $25 (I just made that up right now, I hadn't specified earlier)

And I think thats about it. The gist of it is I'm tired of never getting anywhere with my savings and my closet is steady getting more and more full. So here goes. I'm gonna check in with my blog on payday because thats when I get my urge to spend and we'll see how it goes from there.

one

I had to put on my comfy clothes for this one. Take the contacts out and relax for this here. So I was just having some random thoughts the other night and decided to jot them down. I don't know where this is gonna go so be prepared for anything. I also don't really have a point so if it works out I will be totally surprised. Here goes:

I've never been a popular person per se. I moved around a lot. Not alot of time to get to know people. Connections were short lived. All I've ever needed was one friend. One ryde or die homie. One mic. One confidant. Usually when I moved to a new place. I would be outgoing for a while, find my one person and then shut down again. I've never wanted lots of people to know my name. Although, let's face it they probably should.Now I'm not unpopular in the nerdy, geeky sense of the word. I just don't know alot of people nor do they know me. I don't want people calling or texting me at all times of the day and night asking, "What are you doing? Whats going on tonight? Where the party at?" I don't want to be obligated to too many people. I don't want to have to entertain.

So the ironic thing is that those kind of people seem to gravitate to me. Why? Idk. Because I'm NOT a groupie? I'm available? Who knows? So needless to say: I don't really understand this phenomenon. I know some famous people in real life. They may not have a record deal or a tv show, but people really like to hype them up. I just think its gotta be exhausting ya know?

Which is probably all of these stars begin to fall apart at some point. I think we all need to be able to hear our own voices. Get to a quiet place and hear God. And I'm not saying that the way I keep people at a distance is right or healthy. And I'm not saying that its not. But at times it sure is helpful. I can entertain myself. I enjoy me.

Some people simply have an attractive personality. And for some reason they usually don't mind having people around. We need these kind of people in the world. They're called influencers. The problem usually comes when they influence people in the wrong direction. Take Hitler for instance. Bad influence leading to genocide.

College and work have made me step outside of my boundaries. I've become more outspoken, but at the heart I'm still loner.

Communicate!

For the past few weeks I have been going back and forth learning this lesson in communication. I admit I wouldn't call myself the best at it. But I have been told that I am: passive aggressive, a bad listener, not verbally expressive, cold and just a flat out bad communicator.

A lil something about me:

When I was younger, I felt whether I said things or not it wouldn't matter. People don't change based on what you say anyway. Therefore I kept a lot to myself. I journaled my feelings. I've kept a journal since I was 11. When it came time for me to actually let someone into my life, I can't lie it was extremely hard to let them into my thoughts.

Trust is a major issue. I am still very cautious about who I let in. But now after getting a hard and fast lesson about fighting and having some (to me) highly sensitive friends, I've tried to notice any signs that I'm shutting down. I'm not very sensitive, but I'm not selfish. I really do care about others and their feelings.

Now, I try to nip things in the bud early. If I'm really upset, it may take me a day to get my thoughts together and then present them. I never cut all all communication. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away, it just makes it more awkward when you finally have to face it. Its still very, very hard for me to confront people. But when I push past my discomfort and bring up these issues, is it unreasonable for me to expect some reciprocation? Well you can't expect everyone to be where you are.

One of my very outspoken friends who prides herself on her communication and I have been bumping heads since day one. Just because you say it out loud doesn't make it ok what you say. So I find myself having to regain my footing and think about how to talk to her. If I am extremely straight forward with someone, I feel like they can take it. Some people make you have to rethink what you say them. Well I feel like I do that with her. But maybe she doesn't necessarily do that for me. Or perhaps she feels like she does.... It must be addressed. Leading to another awkward conversation.

I'm getting the feeling that life is full of awkward conversations. Yes, just now realizing that. And I get tired of them. I get tired of explaining. I get tired. Why can't you just know?! But if you value your relationships, you have to. Otherwise, if you don't care about those relationships justshutup.

How do you know love?

So this is the question: What does it mean to be IN love? I remember a teacher once told us that if you find that you still love that person 10 yrs from now, you can know that you really loved that person. I was discussing this with my best friend and her conclusion was this: its simply loving someone who you're attracted to.

I feel this way: there's got to be some evidence of sacrifice. If you're not willing to give anything up for that person, don't say you love them. Secondly, people will hurt you time and time again. Whether it be intentionally or unconsciously its bound to happen at some time. You have to be able to forgive. Third, you have to be able to feel safe with that person. Enough to let them in the deep, dark places that no one else is allowed.

If you gather all those things and place it with a level of passion and attraction Voila! You're in love! Sex is not love. We seem to know this and at the same time, we act like we don't. Sex has one purpose to bond two people, create life and of course pleasure. It sounds like 3 but its one. When the purpose for something is not known it will be abused. So people have taken an attribute out the total purpose and made it seem like thats the purpose. Well we know that the pleasure in sex is the sense of euphoria you feel by the release of chemicals through an orgasm. Giving you (mostly women) that 'loving' feeling.

So "being in love" can be accelerated by physical affection, constant communication and emotional pulls. This is also known as a soul tie.

My love test starts with this: 1 Corinthians 13:4

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And that's just the beginning, being in love is still not the same as staying in love. I do believe that love(the action) is a choice and something that you have to practice.

It's such a complicated thing only because you never can know how another person will react or what their thoughts, emotions and history's are. I am a cautious person. Best believe that if I say that I'm in love with someone, that that love has been tested without a doubt.

Who's a flirt? ME?

I don't know if y'all know this, but you will be tested about every bit of knowledge you receive. So I was just remembering how one day I was cleaning and listening to this old Pastor Tamara Bennett tape. Her messages have been right on point for this time in my life. No matter what I hear her preach about it relates to me somehow. Anyway, she happened to interject her message to talk about this kinda friendship she was having with a guy at work. Nothing real big they would just chat it up at work and one day she just said to him,"Thats a nice tie." Seems real simple and innocent right? Well the Holy Spirit asked her,"You gonna get one of those for your husband?" She replied ....No. He said, "Your father? Brother?" .....No. Well then its just idle conversation. Not going anywhere and for no reason. That's what flirting is. And Pastor Bennett said..."Now that just a little too much." And I'm sure I'm paraphrasing but you get the gist.

So then it comes to me and I admit maybe sometimes I tell a little too much about myself on this blog. Reach back a few years and you can learn a lot more. But this is really therapeutic for me and its a point of accountability. Perhaps I can help someone else. Recently, very recently in fact I found myself getting caught up in the flirting game. Caught up I tell you! With someone totally inappropriate. And you know I recognize my growth because I'm catching it before it goes too far. Flirting used to be a fun thing for me to do back in the day. I was a big flirt. You laugh, you touch, you feel appreciated for your wit and talent. But what for? Its all a pointless waste of time.

I now see after talking it over with my accountability partners and I need many, that um this is not a good thing. Like I said previously "Check ME". I don't like straying too far. And the little things turn into big things. I KNOW!

I'm not the type of person that flirts with everyone. In fact some would say I have been out of practice for the past few years. BUT I know how to do it when the opportunity arises. And for me when opportunity knocked, I answered. Contrary to popular belief I am an affectionate person. And this was my chance. For some, this is not a big deal. Y'all may even say I'm making too much out of this. What's the harm in a lil flirting? Everybody does it! This is the problem: I feel like its not really a good witness. How do you look when your flirting? All googly eyed and cheesing. Silly: thats how you look. Can someone take you seriously when you look silly? Idonthinkso. What message do you send? I wanna get closer to you, possibly in private. What if you don't wanna get closer? Waste of time. And you're possibly leading someone else on, leaving room for them to get hurt by your actions or vice-versa. Then I get home, with no one to flirt with and those feelings of loneliness try to creep in when a few months ago I was totally content with my peace and quiet so now I'm searching for someone who is not God to validate me. (long sentence, I know)

And apparently, the Holy Spirit thought it was a big deal bring it up to Pastor Bennett and to me as well. I didn't get the shut down like she did, but it was enough to make me think back to what I was doing. But trust me, I do get shut down.

I mean everyone wants to feel attractive. Even if you know you're attractive having someone pay attention to you just confirms the fact. But when you start to compromise yourself to get that attention, thats a problem. I was watching Tyra the other day and she had several teen girls from ages 13-15 talking about sexting. Sending naked pics of themselves and sending graphic texts to boys. For most of them the reason was well if you don't do it the boys don't pay attention to you. For others it was like well it was something HE wanted and I just gave it to him. They weren't embarrassed, it was normal to them. Its what they DO. Thats just scary to me. These are the lengths young girls are willing to go to receive a compliment! Really?!

So I'm at this point in my life where I've gotten all cleansed and whole from all those other soul ties and what am I doing? Trying to create new ones? So it stops right here. With me. I'm taking responsibility for my actions. And I'll be patient.

Memories

OH blog remember when I used to write almost everyday? Those were the good times.... Well not really, I had some crazy things goin on in my head at that time. Its just good to have record of my craziness. I will commit to writing more often and I know, I know I've said this all before. It's just when I get into the swing of writing, I miss it. But like I said before inspiration has been few and far between. Then with my sister hijacking my computer and inconsistency with internet (which I will fix), when I do get inspired I have no outlet for it.

So maybe I shouldn't make promises....We'll just see what happens.

Check me!

So I got some inspiration. I was just catching up with a friend of mine and I felt the need to confess something that had been bothering me about myself. I noticed a lil bit of the old me trying to creep up. And she tells me oh yeah I noticed that. I was like HELLO! Why didn't you tell me? She said well I didn't wanna embarrass you. And I was like well you shoulda! I would have.

Folks, I check people all the time. All the time! Sometimes people need to feel embarrassed! With that said, I wouldn't dish it out if I couldn't take it. And I kid you not, there's only one person I know that will check me. ONE! She's not here in Tulsa and I honestly still don't know if she would do it in the moment. How can I expect to grow this way?

I can't even tell you why they don't take the time to correct me. Perhaps they feel like I don't take correction well and in that case, thats another thing no one has told me. Or maybe they don't pay attention to others like I do. Hmm. Or maybe they have unrealistic expectations of me. Maybe they don't feel comfortable in general.

But maybe in this situation I had to be the one to own up to it. I'm not totally unaware of my actions. And if I choose to live in oblivion, somebody snap me out of it!! I'm talking about accountability. I'm not afraid of it. I welcome it. And if I'm taking offense, I know they have hit a sensitive area. I just have to say don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. If there's truth there, it will be worth hearing.

In the end, I know if I don't get checked by anyone else, the Holy Spirit will check me. I can always count on Him. If I didn't have that connection, who knows what kinda craziness I would be into. I have a tendency to be a lil complacent sometimes.