Communicate!

For the past few weeks I have been going back and forth learning this lesson in communication. I admit I wouldn't call myself the best at it. But I have been told that I am: passive aggressive, a bad listener, not verbally expressive, cold and just a flat out bad communicator.

A lil something about me:

When I was younger, I felt whether I said things or not it wouldn't matter. People don't change based on what you say anyway. Therefore I kept a lot to myself. I journaled my feelings. I've kept a journal since I was 11. When it came time for me to actually let someone into my life, I can't lie it was extremely hard to let them into my thoughts.

Trust is a major issue. I am still very cautious about who I let in. But now after getting a hard and fast lesson about fighting and having some (to me) highly sensitive friends, I've tried to notice any signs that I'm shutting down. I'm not very sensitive, but I'm not selfish. I really do care about others and their feelings.

Now, I try to nip things in the bud early. If I'm really upset, it may take me a day to get my thoughts together and then present them. I never cut all all communication. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away, it just makes it more awkward when you finally have to face it. Its still very, very hard for me to confront people. But when I push past my discomfort and bring up these issues, is it unreasonable for me to expect some reciprocation? Well you can't expect everyone to be where you are.

One of my very outspoken friends who prides herself on her communication and I have been bumping heads since day one. Just because you say it out loud doesn't make it ok what you say. So I find myself having to regain my footing and think about how to talk to her. If I am extremely straight forward with someone, I feel like they can take it. Some people make you have to rethink what you say them. Well I feel like I do that with her. But maybe she doesn't necessarily do that for me. Or perhaps she feels like she does.... It must be addressed. Leading to another awkward conversation.

I'm getting the feeling that life is full of awkward conversations. Yes, just now realizing that. And I get tired of them. I get tired of explaining. I get tired. Why can't you just know?! But if you value your relationships, you have to. Otherwise, if you don't care about those relationships justshutup.