Woman

So, last night after church I was chillin catchin up with my girls. A 10 min convo turns into 2 and a half hours. Yes we talked about sooo much and still wasnt done when I had to leave because I gotta go to work.

I am amazed at sometimes how well I know myself. I have 'sometimes too honest' in my facebook profile. Yeah, that's me. And during the conversation last night, I had to lay some things out on the table. Tell it like it is. I know when to shut up. I keep quiet most of the time. But then there's a time to SPEAK. And when you ask me to speak, be prepared for what's about to come out. I don't hold back anymore. I don't have time for that. So we were laughing and things, but I know I was hittin some spots.

They were like, 'I surprised you haven't gotten into any fights with that mouth! You are hard. Or at least had a good shakin!' And I said, 'Well, people love me.' But the thing about the truth is if it's the truth, it will come to pass. And you can get upset, but you gotta get over it once it comes to pass. You cannot deny it.

One funny thing they also said that they were talkin about how grown I am. I laughed.

Yeah, you're real grown. Like, 'go take yourself and sit down somewhere' grown.

Well I didn't realize my adulthood was showing through like that. I've felt above my age since I was 12. I had a father who wanted to be my son and a sister who would act like she was the younger one. Some one had to be the adult.

I still laugh when Chris calls me a 33 year old. He's used that joke since last year. It's still hard for me to say I'm 23. When people ask me, I'm like twweeeenty......three....yeah twenty-three.

Embrace age as it comes.

Randomness(Been a long time!)

1. I can tell within the first 4 seconds whether I will like a song or not.
2. My daddy said I could read the dictionary at three.....Not that I doubt my intelligence but wouldn't I have heard more about that by now?
3. So I told a male friend of mine I'm gettin my hair permed and lettin go of my afro and he said, Good. Maybe you can get a dude now. I said, Shut UP! I am not my hair! I am not this thing....somethin, somethin, somethin (India.Arie). I liked my fro its just time for something easier.
4. I'ma hair rebel. Guys say they like long hair, I cut it. Everybody goin natural, I get a perm. There's something wrong with that. Rebellious for no reason.
5. Don't you hate when people say something is ok then they go and complain about it to someone else?
6. My co-workers are killin me with these Chuck Norris jokes.
7. I can be quite condescending sometimes. Bear with me I'm working on it. Just the fact that I know and can admit it is a step.
8. Still on a mission for an MP3 player. Furniture is #1 priority though.
9. I've become more of a fan of myspace lately. More quizzes and crap to keep me busy.
10. I notice that sometimes music can remind you of a place you've never been. Where is this place? I miss it.
11. Is 'dancery' a word?

Oh boy!

CONGRATULATIONS MIAMI HEAT!!!




Yes it was a lovely game! Shout out to Dwayne Wade MVP! He's an awesome player even if he is married....But yes, did you notice he gave God all the glory? Amen! That's the way you do it. Give credit where credit is due!!

I think I titled this blog so very accurately. I ask myself that almost everyday. Where do we go from here? Sometimes I have the answer, sometimes I don't.

I ask my friends where are we going from here? Yeah well I'll just see when I get there.


I don't know how I'm gonna make through the next few hours. I'm cold, sleepy and already complaining. I guess its time for the coffee. Today is my first day working at the second job. Hope I make I it through. I just wanna see my bed.

I'm so excited about getting my hair done on Saturday. I wanted to alert my co-workers that I will be wearing the same hairstyle until Saturday. And that's just gonna be the way it is. It will probably be more torture for me than them. Some people here wear their hair the same everyday anyway.

Being cold also makes me scatterbrained.

it has come

Yes people I have finally reached my breaking point. I think I'm bout to just give up.....I'ma go ahead and get a relaxer. I've been natural for oh a couple years now I think. Now I'm just too busy to sit up, straighten and blow dry it. I only got a perm a couple times a year anyway.

I'm tired of trying to figure out what I'ma do and I'm not a braids person nor do I have time to sit and get it braided.

Yup I think that's it. I did enjoy wearing my curly fro sometimes. I think I'll give it a good-bye on Saturday. Once more for the good times.

smh

him : i think i could have made you love me
me : lmbo
me: where did that come from
me: why do you say that?
him: cause you said i wasnt your dream dude
him: n i think i could have been
me: hmm i dunno


that was so totally random. we're talkin about kids one moment, the next: this. it's so funny to me. and before you take his side thinking he's pouring his feelings out and i'm just mercilessly laughing at him. he has a girlfriend, who he says he's married to. where does this even come up in your thought process?

now the sad thing is, back in the day....perhaps if some things had gone differently, yes. but i wouldn't put that in his brain.

men, when you make decisions, make them for your future, not just in the moment.

now perhaps this came with his ego. i could have made her love me, no doubt. and i'm like yeah sure whatever. did i just take a shot at his self esteem?.........SO?! Ioncare!

he's still my homie, love him to death, but will he always wonder what if? i don't know. will i? nope. i refuse to live my life that way. today is today, yesterday is gone, prepare for tomorrow. it's all about the future.

i need someone who can be with me where i'm goin. i need a man who will pray me through. who will minister to me. who will encourage. who knows the Lord in depth. i can wait. there's still a lotta work to be done in me. *sigh*

on the bright side

well, i had become so busy in life that i didn't really have time to get myself in order. now that i'm sittin at work and have nothing to do, i've started settin up my budget, i opened up a savings account, started my life plan. what makes me happy? what makes me unhappy? well i started thinkin about my life plan.....

last night at my 12 meeting(i'll tell you what a 12 is in a minute) we watched No More Sheets by Jaunita Bynum. when it was over everyone was stunned to silence. I reccomend it to anyone guy or girl who feels trapped by sex. it will at least get you thinking about what you want in life.

at my church, a way they have in helping you through the process of the Christian walk is by puttin you in a 12 group. the concept of a 12 group is as Jesus had 12 disciples, if we disciple 12 people and they disciple 12 people, the vision is that much closer to becoming fulfilled. your 12 group has a leader and you meet each week to discuss what you've been goin through and for prayer.

it's a wonderful concept. life is hard enough, you need support and you tend to go through more stuff when you're trying to do right.

the verse i am meditating on right now is habakkuk 2:2

2And the LORD answered me:
"Write the vision;
make it plain on tablets,
so he may run who reads it.
3For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
it hastens to the end--it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay.

so i'm coming to a point in my walk where i can tell that some of my friends are tired of me talking about God. but i can't stop. it's too important. i can see what they are doing to themselves. i can see what their future is going to look like. none of it is good. and i see God pursuing them and they keep running just like i did. and He didn't have to pursue me, but He did. who am i? you think its too hard for you? everyday is a struggle for me. if i can do it, you can.

I'll tell you what...

You ever been so cold, you couldn't eat? That's how cold it is in here. I can barely think. I've done a couple productive things in my day. Still got 3 and a half hours to go.

Went bowling yesterday with my church people yesterday. It was the youth against the college ministry. With there being 72,343,455 of the youth and 10 of the college age folks, I admitted defeat before we started. Plus I couldn't remember the last time I'd bowled. I think my final score was like 31 or something.

Well Lookey Here

So I found out that my sister's "boyfriend" is moving here and they are looking for an apartment together. That still doesn't change the fact that I wanna move out. This is what I'm looking at. IF he even comes, I give it a month before one moves out. I can't even imagine what it will be like in that apartment the way they argue on the phone.

She says I can have her bedroom furniture. Because of her previous record, I'm wary about taking it. I might have to hear about it for the next ten years.

I really do want her to be able to do her own thing and be successful, but my sister is hard headed and I know what that's like. So people like that, you gotta let em bump their head.

Don't pray then worry

I thank God for my friend Nicole. She's been a blessing and a half. Laughter when I need it, a listening ear, and just plain fun. My new partner in crime.

Of course I don't think of her as a replacement. None of my friends can be replaced. Everyone makes their own mark.

This thought just popped in my head while at work. I miss Milyaka. She so close yet so far away. Sometimes feels further than when I was in VA.

I miss Tiff. We used to talk 5 times a day. It feels like I haven't talked to her in years. I talked to her yesterday....But it was just once. That wasn't nearly enough time.

I've got an interview today for a second job. I'm certain I will get it. So between two jobs and church, I will have very lil time. Better get to me while you can.

I can see the path

The first time I felt like I was in love was freshman year of college. I met a guy. He was pretty cool. Funny, handsome, had some of that sarcasm I liked. Plus, he really had to get my attention. I was interested in a couple other guys at the time. Yes, it is all about the chase.

This was the kicker. I used to and still do from time to time have these gut wrenching, bawling over, make you wanna slap EVERYBODY type cramps. When I would see him or talk to him on the phone, all the pain would go away. Just like that. So I thought this just has to be love.

Of course I got played and my heart was shattered. But that was my first feelings of love. I think we only ever kissed once.

Yeah the second guy of college was all physical passion. Making out, cuddling and affection. Very little words were spoken at all. I can probably count the conversations we had on the phone one hand.

It lasted two years.....I liked him and I told him that. I just didn't know what else to say. We kinda faded out, but remained friends. Just friends. Only made out once after that.

The third guy.....with him it was like being roughly shaken from a deep sleep. It's startling, kinda makes you mad, but you wanna see what all the fuss is about. What's gonna happen next. There was emotional passion, physical passion, long conversations about nothing and everything, but no spiritual growth. God was not the center there or in any of them.

I think of these three most often. What I did, what I let happen, what I should have done. I didn't go looking for them. They found me. I won't go looking again, but I'll be better about my filtering process.

Look at God

So it seems the company I was working the temp job for liked me so much that they asked specifically for me to come back and help in a different department. And I just got word today she's going to put in for me to become permanent here after the contract is up. I needed a job and now I have one. Amen. It's not where I will end up but it works for now.

As for personally, before I had men problems I had family problems. Now that I don't have men problems....I got family problems. Me and my sister are not getting along AT ALL. To the point where she just isn't speaking to me period. I've learned that its just her bratty nature. If I don't do what she says its like, 'Well don't ask me to anything for you EVER again'. That's manipulation. I won't have it.

My problem with her is she has no respect for me or my property OR anyone else for that matter. She feels like she can set the rules for our relationship and if I don't want it her way then I just can't be her sister at all. If she says we're cool then we are, if she says we're not then we're not. That's not the way it supposed to work.

She constantly throws the stuff she bought me back in my face (stuff I never asked for). I'd rather she take it back or not do anything at all than have to hear about it. She does not talk to me, only at me. It's either do what I say or don't talk at all. She's continually spiteful. It's crazy!

People have pacified my sister all her life. She needs some hard truth. She has no ambition and no drive. I won't do that to her. She needs to know. She yells at everyone and expects to be able to do it to me. I have to stick up for myself and when I do, I get blamed. It's like them against me in that house. Who wants to live like that?

So as soon as I am able, I'm gettin out. I already have a roomate. Started lookin at some places. I love my family, but this ain't right. I'm not even mad or bitter. It's just the reality of things.

How is that God? He's just helping me get a thicker skin. Plus, you need some haters in life. They are the ones who will tell your testimony. I heard that in church on Wednesday.

Bitter Sweet Nostalgia

Sometimes I miss college a lil bit. I had soooo much fun and by the grace of God I'm still here. So much freedom, so lil responsibility. When you're at home, mom feels that she has to be mom because she's mom. That can be a good thing and a bad thing. Sometimes you need her to be mom and sometimes you need her to let you be grown. Yes I had MAD drama and to balance it out I had MAD fun. Depending on how I'm feeling I could focus on the drama or I could focus on the fun.

Speaking of things I'm gonna miss, I'ma miss this job when its over because I'm working as a temp. The people here are really cool, there's always something to do, I can go to lunch whenever I want, I can leave when I want and I get to use the Internet! Plus they are taking ME out to lunch on Friday. YES!! I love free food! But I must move up and out hopefully with better pay.

Still can't wait till I have my own place. My goal is to not have any more roommates that I'm not married to or didn't birth myself. The roommate situation wasn't so horribly bad, I just don't wanna do it anymore. But I'd also like to have a car and some furniture to put in it. I know.....I'm so high maintenance.

Looking forward to X-Men this weekend. Looking forward to gettin paid. I've almost forgotten what it's like to have money.

In the deep dark abyss of my brain

You ever wonder where some pictures you know you've taken have gone? You remember where you've taken them and who took em, but you never see them. Kinda scary to me. You never know what people could be doing with those pics and who they're showing them to. Can I give my permission? I guess I released my rights when I posed for the picture, huh?

You ever been just going on with life and then you see a face you hadn't expected to see in an unexpected place and almost die? I did. Yesterday. My heart almost stopped while lookin through facebook. I saw a face that I hadn't seen in about two years. I guess I have some unresolved issues.....


I was lookin through my phone the other day and I realized I have all these numbers in there that I don't call, won't call or have no reason to call, and I can't bring myself to erase them. There was a time when I would be quick to erase a number. It was almost a reflex. Did it without thinkin. Some of you have been a victim. But now I can't seem to do it. I dunno why.

That Juanita Bynum is on point. I'm so in awe of her spirit. I was listening to one of her CD's about marriage and she said she didn't mean to get on that subject but God pulled her that way. She started out talking about intimacy in marriage, how wives need to set their spiritualness aside when it comes time for lovin. Put that Bible down and put on a negligee! Go'on to Fredrick's and Victoria's Secret. She's a mess! One thing she said is, 'God help me to be a wife and not a knife.' I like that she points out that just because people get married they think that automatically makes them a wife or a husband. Not so. That's why the Bible says "He who findeth a wife, findeth a good thing." You should be a wife before you get married. It's a responsibility that goes beyond the title. Not saying I'm thinkin about marriage at this time, just learning some lessons for when it comes.

There's no place like home

Yeah so, I'm tryin not to sound like a sad person which is why I haven't blogged much lately. And I'm not even sad...It just sounds like I am. Just trying to find my place in this world. Waiting for the time when I feel at home where I am rather than like an inconvience. Where there's peace and not drama. A steady paycheck and a savings account. When I can kick it with my friends. When I've got my schedule together and I don't waste time sleeping because I'm too tired to do anything else. I am in pursuit of the life I want.

Sorry Holly Juice if it sounded like I didn't have fun there in Hampton. I did have fun. Didn't see the excitement in my face. I still had a few heavy things on my mind even while I was there. Tell your man I said hi next time you go to Jillian's and get me a stuffed animal while you at it.


She was a wonderful hostess. Had dinner ready as soon as we got off the road and I was hungry. I know I rushed past her to get to the shower, but I was much nicer and fresher smelling when I came out. When you've been on the road for about 20 hours, it just ain't right to be huggin on folks. That's just gross.

I now know I can drive anywhere in the country after driving straight from Oklahoma to Virginia and back. Me and Dani are true soldiers. I'm not too anxious to do that again anytime soon though. But I shall be back to Hampton to see you Holly and Kiana, because I wanna go to the beach and MacArthur when I have some money.

I want people to stop saying they're married until I see an actual marriage license, wedding dress, something. Y'all scare me when you do that.

I've felt the need to write some people letters who've I've lost contact with. Some of my mentors.

Oprah's Legends Ball was lovely. Even though I was wondering why Ashanti was there and Beyonce wasn't.....Ah well it's Oprah. Me and Tiff have decided to plan our own Legends Ball. Yeah you wish you were invited.

Oh yes! I'm soooo happy my girl Danielle won Top Model. Reppin the ROCK! I was honestly surprised. I thought they would give it to Joanie. I'm excited.

Yeah that's about it for now.

chillin, chillin, chillin

I know people have been wondering where I've been. If I could tell you, I would. Honestly, I barely know. Everything is in the process right now. So many good things have happened. Some bad things have happened. I'm trying to deal with it all without breaking down or shutting down.

I wish I had some fun things to share. I know I've had fun somewhere in the past month I just can't put it together enough to explain. I'm in a contemplative mood right now.

I went back to Hampton this week. I tried to make it to the graduation, but we left from Oklahoma too late. I did manage to make it to Milyaka's graduation though. You have to sit their boring speeches, watch 1000 other people you don't know walk across the stage just to see the one person you came to see get their degree. It was worth it though. I think that was the best graduation acceptance I've ever seen. She was dancing in the line, then after she told the announcer how to say her name she did this karate-like Micheal Jordan thing. It was awesome!

I was excited for her. Even though it brought back memories of my ceremony and yes, I'm still a lil bitter. I was thinking, Aww this is just like my graduation....except you got to walk across the stage.

Yeah so going back to Hampton was an experience. It was so good seeing people that I had only been able to reach through the phone or internet. But there was a different lil feeling there. Not like Hampton's not the same. Like I'M not the same. I had fun though, I was just ready to come back home.

Of course, I come back to drama. Drama = my sister. And that's it. She's all the drama there is. And she creates it, drags it on and then blames everyone else for it. I have to keep her in prayer.

I need to get a facebook pic up somehow. I know my friends are tired of looking at a question mark.

Road Trip!!!

Yeah I don't think I've had my bags unpacked for more than three days in a month. Now I'm bout to get on the highway again. I think it always helps that I'm used to traveling.

Congratulations to all the graduates! Hope you get to walk in YOUR ceremony. Yup, I'm still a lil bitter about that.

Why doesn't anyone say bye when you hang up the phone anymore? They just end the conversation and you hear the dial tone.


I just felt like I should post something. I've been too busy to sit and write these days.

Bye-bye Grandma

My grandmother passed away on May 2nd. It was her 73rd birthday. Since she's been sick for awhile I knew it was a good thing that she wasn't in pain anymore. She'd just had her other leg amputated and was always saying that she was tired. Thank God she lived a saved life so that I can be glad in knowing she's in Heaven. She knew it was time to go and she said her good-bye's. She said "I'll see y'all in heaven." The hardest part for me was hearing how my mother reacted. I was still at my cousin's house taking care of the kids when I got the news from my sister. When I got home she hugged me and said, "My mama is gone." I said I know mama, but she's not hurting anymore. And even that night we started to remember Grandma and all the funny things she'd done or said.

So we set out on the road to Arkansas. I was listening to a Creflo Dollar CD when he said this scripture, "it is better to be absent from the body and present with the Lord". So I found it in my Bible, 2 Corinthians 5:8 and we put it on her obituary. Funerals are one of the times when you have very little time to do anything and I must say that the people of Augusta, AR have to be good at this kinda thing. Everytime I turned around somebody was bringing us some food.

I figured I had to be the strong one. Coming from a spiritual perspective, I knew there was not much reason to be sad. Even though I will miss her so much and it will be weird going home and not being able to see her there, I had to be a tower for my mom, aunts and uncles. There were times when I started to cry, but I knew if I got going I wouldn't be able to stop.

We were able to view her body before the wake and she was absolutely beautiful. Her hair in soft ringlets and she was wearing a white dress with a pink scarf. She looked totally at peace.

My little cousins and I sang at the service. I took my time, knowing that I hadn't sang since high school in front of people, remembering this was for my grandma and not about me. We did very well if I do say so myself. It was a packed church with standing room only because everybody loved my grandma. And everyone who spoke did a great job of describing her. My aunt got up and sang 'Walk around Heaven'. When she sang, 'One day you'll look for me and I'll be gone. I'll be walking around heaven all day long.' I just broke. Then my great-aunt got up and said, "I knew her better than anybody, so don't expect me drop a tear. She told me, 'Girl, I got to go. I'm tired. I'm going to Heaven." She knew what she was doing. Even my niece Araia understood what was going on. She waved at the casket and said,"Bye-bye Granma".

Even though it horrible reason, it was great to see everyone. So many people I hadn't seen in years. People I hadn't seen since I was a baby. My grandma was our center. I just pray everyone keeps it together.

Continue to keep my family in prayer.

I can't see the future

This morning I woke up a mother of three. I have two teenagers and a seven year old. We had morning prayer, I cooked breakfast, kissed the teens and sent them out the door. Woke up the seven year old, ran her bath, got her dressed, did her hair, and walked her to the bus stop. Not only am I a mother, but its the young one's birthday. That means I gotta go take treats to her class. You remember those days? When you got cupcakes on your birthday? I still remember my mom making cupcakes with pink frosting and putting my initial on it in icing.

Anyway, yes today I am a semi- working mother. Actually if you think about it, I'm a step-mother because I ain't give birth to these kids. And then I'm a single step mother because I ain't got no husband. That means I need to get to work soon. Aight as soon as I finish this.....

My cousin actually left me in charge of her house for a couple days. I promise she's trying to groom me for motherhood. She said, "You're going to be a great working mother when I finish with you." I used to say I didn't like no kids but my own and that meant my neice Araia. But kids in general are starting to grow on me. I'm not saying I want any, I'm just saying I'm getting used to the idea.

Now what shall I do for the rest of the day? Finish the kitchen, get dressed and ah yes WORK.

On the ro-ad

Seems like I'm gone just about every weekend and I love it! Went to Illinois for my cousins' wedding. It was so weird that she was getting married. As soon as I saw her she said, 'Hey cuh-cus!' That's what she calls me, Cuh-Cus. Brought me back to the last time I saw her, which I must say has been a very long time. She and my sister were really close because they're about the same age. Those two goof balls used to do the weirdest things.

Now, she's married. Everytime I go to a wedding, I sorta made a lil check list in my head: What not to do at my wedding.

First of all, I will NOT be doing anything ON my wedding day. Probably just hair, everything else will be taken care of before that day. I should be relaxed enough to go to a spa or something. Everyone will be referred to someone else. I have decided to put my sister and Milyaka in charge of most things. My sister because she's bossy and used to delegating, Milyaka because she's organized. I don't wanna hear about no problems, I ain't giving no directions, I ain't pickin nobody up from the airport, none of that. Just put me in the dress, send me down the aisle, on to the reception and off to the honeymoon.

Secondly, sit the flower girl(s) and ring bearer down after they get down the aisle. They tend to get antsy.

Thirdly, no toungue with the kiss. It's so traumatiziing to those who have to watch. Y'all know how I feel about PDA. Yes, even on the wedding day. It can still be romantic without being outrageous. Save all that for the honeymoon.

Aw, it was so cute watching her reminisce with her bridesmaids about their college days. They brought up what she said she would do on her wedding day back in college. She said, "When I get married I'ma have my bridesmaids stand in the aisle, and say ,'Bridesmaids! BREAK IT DOWN! Pump it, pump it, pump it!'" And did three booty pops. I was crackin up. Sounds like something me and Tiff would say.

She had twelve bridesmaids and the way things are going looks like I'ma have at least eight. I got 4 heartbeats, 2 sisters, 2 fraternal twins from other mothers, my bunny and who knows who might come up. If my fiancee has sisters....my goodness. My cousin's wedding was beautiful. There were tears but it was all good.

My sister and I made it through the weekend without killing one another. Aside from the 10 hrs there and back, we didn't spend any extra time together. We were already talking about needing separate rooms when we got there.

Oh but there are so many more road trips to go. That's the kinda thing you can do when you don't have a real job. Leave on a whim. Might as well do it while I'm young.