What happens in NY

So this is really fresh now because I'm on my way back to DC from NY and I just wanted to see what I could get down if anything. I'm still really trying to process and I'm coming off of like 2 and a half hours of sleep. Ya know you gotta be careful about what you say.... because I remember telling a couple people that I may not sleep until I get back to Tulsa. Where to begin? Well at the beginning of course. So here goes.

Tiff and I decided to get an early start on the since we didn't get to see as much as we wanted on Thursday. Interestingly enough I woke up at 6:58 am on the dot and we still didn't really get to the city until about 11am. It was fine though. I had to navigate our route to Katz Deli and we wanted to try to get some shopping in. I'm very proud of myself, getting on and off that train as if I knew exactly where I was going. I hate feeling lost. So we got there ate and that in itself was an experience. My girl Tiff just throws me off sometimes. We used to joke about getting her a blonde track of hair and just swoop it in the front for some of the things she says. So I go to the ATM and as I'm walking back to the table she and the waiter finish the conversation they're having. She looks at me as I'm still walking towards her and says, "Did you hear that?" I looked at the waiter as if to say, 'She can't possibly be serious!' And they both crack up. How in the world was I supposed to hear anything from the back of the restaurant? That was one for the books.

Then after Katz we decide to go to the Soho district to do some shopping. As we walk there's just so many photo ops along the way that we're stopping every 5 mins to take pics. The funny thing about shopping down there was that all we were looking for was an H&M and we found everything but. I found some cute shoes and hat that I didn't get but I took pics of myself in so that I could remember it. While in one store my first roomie Kyhra calls to let me know she's on her way into the city and she wanted to meet at Times Square. So I expect her to get into the city around 3pm. When it gets close to time to meet up with her Tiff and I make our way to the area and search for a bathroom. We dip into Macy's and its like packed. With Fashion Week going on people are shopping like its a holiday. At this point, we decide to take a breather and think our next move. Well by this time its around 4pm so we call Kyhra to see where she is. The plan is to either get on the bus back to our hotel at 5 to get dressed for the fashion show (the whole reason for the trip) and then get back into the city because we didn't know where the Lincoln Center was. But if Kyhra was in the city already she could just give a ride back to the hotel. We met up with her and got aquainted with her friend Marnesha who also happened to be a Hampton Alum. Long story short, we got lost on the way to the hotel and hurried to get dressed, missed the faster bus back to the city and to take the longer, more scenic bus. Kyhra and Marnesha ended up taking the bus back with us so she wouldn't have to find parking in the city. So riding the bus, I'm thinking we're totally not gonna make it. But we still tried. We got on subway in an attempt to make it to the Lincoln center and ended up almost going to the Bronx.

Got great pics btw throughout all this madness. By this time, we gave up on the fashion show and decided to get something to eat. Making our way down 8th ave, Kyhra says I gotta get some Starbucks. So we find one and go in. While she making her order, a very small visibly drunk man comes over to us and says D***are y'all models? Y'all are beautiful!" Then as Kyhra comes to join us he says Oh my goodness CHOCOLATE! Can I take a picture with you? She declines and in these types of moments when we're being harassed by men Tiff avoids eye contact at all costs and she may even disappear all together. So he walks out and Kyhra goes to get her drink, then we walk out. He comes back and with a bewildered look on his face he says, YO is Chocolate your best friend? Chocolate is fine yo!! Needless to say we kinda just had to try and lose him.

So our next objective is to find a bathroom. And if you didn't already to know, its near impossible to find a public restroom in NY. So we see this sexy looking pub. All low lights and mahogany wood inside but busy. So the plan is two of us distract the host with questions while the others run to the bathroom. Lucky for us there happened to be a large party of women walking in at the time we wanted to go in so we just walked in with them as quickly as possible and ran to the bathroom. I don't know if I've ever gotten as many compliments so close together. In the span of like 2 hrs I had been told I was beautiful, elegant and stunning all by different men. What an ego booster!

Next on the agenda: food. We see the famous Gray Papaya I think it is. The had a recession special 2 hot dogs and a drink for $2.45. It was good but clearly just a teaser. So I saw a place called Schnipper's home of the sloppy joe. I got a cheesy joe and yes I was all about it. As we sat there we totally had a Sex in the City moment just talking about marriage and fun stuff like that. Then we decide we wanna go to Serendipity for some of their famous desserts. The fastest way to get there is by cab. To get a cab was a ridiculous amount of bargaining. It didn't take us as long as some other people though. To be in that cab was like nothing I've ever experienced. I'm just glad I'm still here to tell the story because of that ride. In a turn of events the driver apparently didn't hear where we wanted to go and went $10 in the wrong direction. The sucky thing is that we had to pay for his loss in translation. He thought we said 16th when we said 60th. As we're paying for the ride this lady decides that she wants to hurry us out of the cab and opens both the passenger side doors. Well Tiff's mix of MD and NY came out like "She don't know us. She really needs to slow up." And I was like you know I was itching to use my mace homie! Plus I don't think she expected to see 3 tall black women getting out the back of the cab and when we did get out she sure did keep her mouth shut.

We got lost again looking for Serendipity and in the midst of it all I realized that it midnight and the last bus back to Jersey left. So we decided we're here lets go on in. It was really cute on the inside and I had a Cholatcino which I believe really helped me make through the rest of the night.....And that's to be continued in the next post because that's where the adventure really begins!

NY, NY

So after day after one, I have to say I'm a lil underwhelmed at New York. I have yet to be wowed. I mean I feel like I saw a lot, I think its got beautiful architecture, but I dunno. I don't get the hype.


I've had to forgive Tiffani again and again for a bag she packed that almost ended our friendship. I ended up lugging this humongo bag up and down the subway, on and off the bus because of her bad back. Thats love I tell ya. The first adventure of the day was finding out how to get to our hotel. Which we did, tried to relax for a few mins and then got back on the road. I think we actually took the wrong bus back, but we got some good pics out of it.

I think we spent most of the time in Forever21, which is surprising but I got some great boots out of it. And the biggest shocker of the day: I ran into someone I knew from Tulsa! How random and just weird is that? All in all not a disappointment, but it didn't knock me off my feet.

Perhaps tomorrow will have more to offer.

The risk taker

So right now as we speak I'm on a bus on the way to New York. Its my first time so I have no idea what to expect. I've always been one of those rebels who really didn't care about the Big Apple. I didn't really have a desire to see it up close and personal. To tell you the truth seeing it on tv or in the theater was just fine for me. But fashion duty calls and I'm answering.

Funny thing is I was getting my hair done a couple days ago and my cousin who is also my hair stylist says: I think you've been playing it too safe. Do you think you take enough risks? And I'm thinking: What are you trying to say? I'm a sensible person. I like to take into account the pros and cons of a thing before I do it. I used to be the kind of person who would do things on a whim. Some of those things were just plain stupid. Like jumping on some strangers motorcycle just because I wanted to ride one. So for me, this trip to NY, though carefully planned is taking a risk for me.

Plus while getting my hair done I've been goin progressively more red in hair color over time. Well this time I didn't get any blonde in my hair and when she put the red over the blonde I had in my hair, it turned a bright red. There's no blending into a crowd with this hair color. So I guess she decided she would help me out with the risk taking. Trust me, I can rock it but I probably wouldn't have on my own.

So here's to taking some risks. I've got my mace in one hand and my sanitizer in the other. New York here I come!

Btw I really love Tiff's lil mini computer. I'm definitely getting one of these.

Really now?

A couple days ago I read an article clearly written by someone who was hurt by and bitter against the church. It was entitled How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely. There were so many things in that article that were against the Word that it makes my head spin, mostly due to the fact that this woman is not a Christian. That makes me wonder why wrote the article at all. There are standards that we live by and they are biblical.

So I guess you can call this my critique of the article. First of all, if you are attending a church and finding a husband there is one of your top reasons for going you’re on the wrong track. You go to church for instruction, motivation, alignment, fellowship and most importantly worship. Church is not a dating service. I’m sure many people have met their mates at church because, well there’s a common interest there. Why not? It’s just like someone who meets someone at work or the gym. Common interest. Whereas you may not necessarily go there looking for someone, you may just end up meeting them there. Secondly, I do believe that if that is your reason for going to a church then yes you will end up depressed because you’re missing the point. That’s like eating an apple and expecting it to taste like a banana. You will definitely be disappointed.

I believe this is the reason Paul said I would rather you were able to be single like me because your interests are divided. People get so distracted trying to catch someone they’re not able to do the work of the kingdom. That’s why people don’t care about the world that is dying and hungry. Too busy trying to look for someone to ‘complete’ them. God is the complete you. Your husband or wife is not the missing link. They are an added bonus. Talk to a married couple and let them tell you. You can still feel lonely with someone lying next to you.

Finally, I’m getting to the last straw of people trying to figure out why there are so many unmarried Black women. If its not our fault it’s the Black man’s fault or the church’s fault or White women’s fault. I really don’t care who’s fault it is. When it comes down to it all I can do is be who I am supposed be. What I care about is if my life is pleasing to God. And I stand on the Word that says God knows the desires of my heart and if I continue to be diligent that I will receive those things and more.

ya kno?

So I was on facebook and a 'friend' of mine posted a youtube video where a singer was talking about Christians singing secular music. This friend and I have had this discussion many times before. Mainly because he wants to sing and he doesn't under any circumstance want to sing gospel. My question is why not? His is answer is that he wants to sing love songs. Is that sooo wrong? I try not to get all caught up with peoples' perceptions of right and wrong. My conviction comes from the Word and the Holy Spirit. But what I told him is that if you love the Lord, why wouldn't you want to worship? And for me secular music just doesn't help me get from day to day. Those are just some things I don't think about on a daily basis and I LOVE music.

Now on this particular youtube video the singer used the book Songs of Solomon as his reasoning for God being just fine with love songs. Well, as far as I know Solomon was married when he talked about his beloved and his lover. I'm not married. To be honest, I have a hard time reading Songs of Solomon. But I know whats in there and its beautiful. I'm sure when I get married I'll be reading it all the time. Same goes for love songs. I'm not gonna meditate on someone singing about their love for their spouse (if they're married) or their lust for someone else (if they're not). While on the subject of Solomon, if we're using him as an example: wasn't he the one that had all these other wives that turned his heart after other gods? I mean what was he meditating on? I'm just sayin.

I remember I used to be OK with listening to secular music because I was really trying to appreciate the musicality of it all. Then music got stupid and untalented. Now even when I try to go back to my old favs its just not the same. You almost gotta decipher where they're coming from. Artists can be really out there sometimes. And it may not be somewhere you wanna be. For instance I just heard one of my old favorite artists call God a she. I just don't believe that. How can I bypass that and listen to it anyway? I tried and then I just couldn't.

Now I'm not gonna say anyone is wrong or cool for listening to secular music. I'm saying how does it help you? And if you're a Christian, how does it help you stay saved? Now this particular artist in no way convinced me to pull out my old Jill Scott and start bumpin it 24/7. I gotta keep my mind clear. Nor will I condemn anyone if thats what they want to listen to. But I do feel like that music doesn't help me grow spiritually. Yeah, I can totally get with Jill sometimes. She talks about some real stuff. And sometimes I just really can't.

So in conclusion because I could go on all day, I think of this verse Faith comes by hearing, and by hearing the Word of God Romans 10:17. Whatever you are hearing and hearing will become what you believe in.

rotten

I think about how spoiled we are these days. My air has gone hay-wire and the upstairs of my apt is like a gym. I got in the car this morning and blasted the air. Looking at Milyaka I said, "Remember when people were used to sweating?" Granted, I don't think it was triple digit weather back then. But today we go from air conditioned room to air conditioned room and can't stand being in the heat for 2 minutes. I thank God for technology, but its made us very spoiled.

We feel so entitled to have things. Talking to a friend about why certain things aren't happening in his life despite his hard working efforts made me realize that he felt like some things should just fall into place. An A for effort. But in reality, you don't just get an A for the effort. You get an A when you have prepared and effectively put the answers in the right place.

I was just talking to Milyaka last night about this same thing and she made it more concrete for me. She said, "People think being spoiled is material and getting everything you want in gifts. But really its thinking that you are owed what you want." I've just began to realize that this is an ultimate source of unhappiness. Its like we have forgotten that we come into the world with nothing and everyone has to work for what they have. Whether that means putting your foot to the grindstone, having difficult conversations that you don't really want to have or sacrificing what you want in order to show someone else love.

For us Christians its like we forgot the Word says, "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all." I believe thats in Job. I'll look it up.... Hold on......Ok here it is...I was wrong its Psalms 34:19. Anyway, the part we seem to concentrate on are the afflictions. Not that we are righteous, nor that God delivers us out of them all. And you know what? When stop you stop feeling so entitled, you begin feeling grateful and thats when you begin to see things fall into place.

just a thought

I met a guy once on the plane from VA to Memphis. I remembering seeing him in the airport. I'm not sure who started the convo, but me knowing me I'm pretty sure he did. He told me he was going to visit his girlfriend and so we didn't get any of each others information. I just remember that was a great conversation because I don't talk to strangers on planes. From time to time I just think about him.

admission

I....am.... a product junkie. I will be glad when I actually finish a jar of something other than conditioner. But I can hardly contain myself from trying new ones. I saw yesterday that Trade Secret was having a half off sale. It's sad. So I'm sitting here watching One Tree Hill and I'm about to do my hair so I'm trying to use 2 or 3 things at once.

true love

My friend and I just finished watching a movie called Timer. I first saw the preview on Hulu and then found it on my new fav site Netflix. Awesome concept of a movie. It takes the match.com phenomenon to another level. This company thats looks like a cross between a t-mobile store and an Apple store where you can go and get this timer implanted on your wrist to tell you exactly when you will meet your soul mate. The main character's timer is blank which means her soul mate hasn't gotten his timer yet. Which kinda makes her crazy wondering when and where he is.

So it kinda got us thinking...if you could know when you would meet the ONE, would you want to? And even if you do know, you could still definitely screw it up by not being open to loving someone. I think of characters like Joan from Girlfriends who had chance after chance after chance and she still managed to mess things up by being desperate or jealous. She was the perpetual single girl and after a while i was like please just find somebody!

Also I'm wondering can you be just too picky. I mean I know what I want and some things I'm not really willing to compromise on. Height....I know thats a soft spot for some men, sorry. Relationship with the Lord, I just can't have the same fight again and again. And when it comes to beliefs its a struggle if the person you want to be with doesn't know what your talking about.

I would love to see some options...Trust me, I haven't seen any. Cole actually suggested I practice my flirting. I know how to use the tools when the time comes. I just don't want to waste those tools on someone I wouldn't normally give the time of day. Nor do I want to get someone's hopes up, thinking there's something there when there's not. I like to be very clear on my intentions. If I like you then you'll know.

night time

I'm so bad at routine, thats probably why I write here so randomly. I'm good at random. Well, my first attempt at a roller set with perm rods was a complete fail. Mostly because my hooded dryer is broken and I really have no idea what I'm doing. I figure the more I practice and when i replace my dryer it will finally work out. I was gonna try those 3-strand twists, but I'm tired. The only reason why I haven't passed out yet is because I'm nosy. I had to get on facebook, finish watching this movie I started earlier on Netflix and talk to my bff's. On top of that, I got into facebook stalking and you just never know where thats gonna take you. So yeah, I'm fighting to keep my eyes open and that's all I got for now.

This is my new and I totally plan to get it very soon even though I won't be able to wear it until the fall. And believe me it looks even better on me. Plus I have a bangin leather skirt to wear it with. I passed it up the first time and it came back to me! Now tell that ain't meant to be....

Random

so for the past couple days or shall I say weeks, I've been working like a maniac. I'm in retail if you didn't know and we had a floorset that was supposed to be over at midnight and I got out at 3:30. Then I had to be back at work at 9am. I was definitely praying on the way to work not to crash. I somehow made it through the day, chatted with Cole for a few mins and proceeded to pass out until about 1am. Which brings me to why I'm up at nearly 4am blogging.

On my last off day that I didn't post because I pretty much forgot what I was gonna say, I think I was doing my hair. Thats my new hobby and obsession. I'm trying to rock this natural thing for real now. I was faking before because I would always wear it straight. So since I'm up, I found myself on youtube watching natural hair videos trying to get some ideas. I'm also trying to figure out if I will get up and get something to eat.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna try 3-strand twists on my hair. Everyone talks about the 2 strand twist and for some reason parts of my hair still want to be straight. Its probably from all those years of faking it. I mean I wasn't getting a relaxer but it was never in its natural state. And to tell the truth if you look at pics when my hair was relaxed and then when it was natural, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. But it feels different to the touch. Its much softer now, I wouldn't go back. Not even for the convenience of it. So I'm thinking if I do the 3 strand it may come out curly as I want it.

Hopefully I can get to sleep soon because I want to be able to enjoy some of my day off. Maybe if I eat something it will help. A grumbling stomach does not help you sleep at all.

Became a recent member of Netflix. Love it. No more viruses trying to watch illegal movies. Which I should of known better anyway. When you're accountable to the Lord anything you try to do out of the will, you get caught. At least I do. I can't step outta bounds for nothing. That's cool with me though. As for Netflix, I watched Sparkle. definitely a classic. Its just one of those movies that remind me of my childhood. I probably should have never watched this movie as much as I did, but nonetheless it has some great lessons in it. And for some reason just between me and you, it makes me think of candy....always has and it makes me hungry. I know...real fat. I'll take it.

I'm just gonna end this post right here because I think I can go on for awhile making twists and turns in the conversation and I'll probably lose you so hopefully it won't be too long until my next post.

Testimony

Telling my testimony always ends up making me feel retrospective. I would every time I tell someone, that I learn something new as well. I re-read my journal from college and whats crazy is that even though technically I was there, it was like an out of body experience. I feel and think completely different now.

It is a blessing that you can do a complete 180. People can look at you now and not picture you doing the things that were so common to you once upon a time. I can't say that I was the wildest person, but the change that happened was inside more than anything. The change was in my thoughts, my moods, how I felt about my surroundings. All of those inner workings made a tremendous difference in my life.

These are some things I want implement into my life this year:

1. Learn to become an obsessive saver. My savings needs to become fat by the end of the year.
2. Become an obsessive blogger. I think I'm doing pretty well by blogging two days in a row.
3. Become an obsessive neat freak. Its just never been a habit. I don't I'm a slob, just tired and a lil disorganized.
4. Become more concerned about spending time with others. I usually just hang with who comes to me. Now my fam wants to talk about me. But you know what? Thats a two-way street people. Two- way!
5. Become obsessed with paying my bills. Good for my credit.

Gotta talk about this one

So I'd been hearing all this buzz about the new Boondocks episode. First if you don't watch the Boondocks you gotta know that its satire. Meaning that it exposes truths using sarcasm, irony, humor and pretty much making it so offensive it cannot be ignored. Now the Boondocks was taken off the air for a while because of some of its subject matter. I believe it was the episode that portrayed BET as a weapon to destroy all Black people. I've wondered that myself sometimes. With shows like Tiny and Toya, its not giving us a lot to aspire to. Maybe you too can get knocked up by a rapper and get your own TV show. Then you will be successful......

Anyway, this particular episode the Target happens to be a Tyler Perryesque character. He pretty much uses Jesus to create this genre of theater and film in order to get men to sleep with him. Now I don't know about the gay part with Tyler Perry. I've had my suspicions like everyone else, but I have been saying for years that Tyler is just pimpin Christians and churches for ticket sales when neither his films nor movies have been godly for years or ever really. They merely give the image of going in the direction of Christ but don't see it through to the end.

I tried to give him a chance guys. My last attempt was Why Did I get Married Too? I can't tell you how furious I was walking out of the theater. I felt completely cheated. It was as if Perry threw something together because the sequel was highly anticipated and he knew the ticket sales would come flooding in. It was extremely wack, full of unnecessary drama and left with no real ending, but whatever. And I would probably wouldn't have been so hard on Tyler if he was just presenting himself as a black film maker, but he said he was representing for Christians. I have to hold him at a different standard.

I realized while watching this episode of the Boondocks that 1) People need to recognize a fake. Even outside the church they can see Perry is not genuine. 2) There is no real reverence for the church or Christ. He's a punchline, a means to an end. It truly saddens me.

I still believe that people will miss a lot of what this episode had to say. Not only was it presenting that Tyler Perry is gay, but people will still do anything to be rich and famous. To fulfill their own selfish desires they will use God or create their own religion. One of the characters even said and I'm paraphrasing, I'm tired of where I am. I wanna be famous and if that means I have to degrade myself, I'll do it. What will it take for people to see the light?

Surrounded by love

I've just been so overwhelmed by my friends in the past couple weeks. I wasn' t even tripping about Valentine's day but then I got a package in the mail from Tiff. A big box of assorted V-day candy, a card and a cd. It was awesome. Then yesterday Cole got me my very own Ipod touch! That's been on my wishlist for a very long time. Today I felt terrible and I jus felt the concern from all my girls. Now its not all about the gifts although I love to get em. They don't have to get me anything. And even though I am not in a relationship right now I don't feel cheated because of all of them. Oh it's emotional people.....

What I would do for a sewing machine

I have for years wanted a skirt or something that looks like this.... Thats just a great outfit. She makes me want to step up my game. Of course I have promised that I wouldn't shop, BUT I have the pattern for this exact skirt. Along with a button up shirt that I could make over and over and never run out of white shirts! But alas I don' t have a sewing machine. Anyone willing to donate, my arms are open for a Singer.

Making the Crooked ways straight

So my newest adventure is dealing with some foreign things in my mouth. I got braces. Something I've been wanting since I was 10. And boy was I re-thinking this decision yesterday and it was only day 2. I got the invisalign braces which means you can't tell by looking, but there is definitely a change in my speech. The hardest part was first dealing with the pain of having them squeeze my teeth, then taking them out to eat and they hurt worse after putting them back in.

It has put an end to my snacking. I gotta plan meals out now. I hope this doesn't cause me to lose more weight. I can't afford it! But I thought I was more pain tolerant than this. Am I being a punk? I'll just suck it up for this life long dream of having a perfect smile.

When I was younger I wouldn't show teeth at all in some of my pics leading to some of the worst pics you've ever seen. Then in high school I figured out that it didn't work so I just began smiling, gaps and all. I'd become comfortable with it after a while, but when the opportunity arose to change my situation I took it.

So here I am today, trying not to get addicted to pain killers, planning my next meal and sucking up the pain.

On this day

Got off of work this morning at 4am. That was the plan, but I just wanted to get out early. Really happy about the way the floorset went. That's what we were doing there last night. We got everything done, everyone stuck to their assignments. The thing about being the point person is that you are expected to do dual roles. You have to finish your work and tell everyone what to do, all while being prepared to be interrupted millions of times. All in all it was a success because we finished everything in the allotted time. I don't think I've ever seen that in all my days of retail.

So today, after sleeping until 1 pm I still haven't done anything thing I planned to do besides writing this blog and cooking myself a humongous breakfast in the afternoon. So I think now I shall go put some clothes in the wash, tidy up a bit and go to my moms.

There are some things on my mind that I would like to share, but I'm gonna hold off on that for now. And with this post I have succeeded my blogging from last year! So here's to many more. I'll tell you one thing though. Be careful what you say!

What is your gift?

I was having a conversation with my friend the other day about what we want to do with the rest of our lives. We were talking about the career goals we have. I said, “I can do a lot it’s just whether I want to use my gifts or not.” I received my degree in marketing and I am still very intrigued with business. And she said, “I thought you wanted to design.” I just don’t know if I want to have to create something on schedule. I do draw. I’ve even considered going to design school. I also sing, but I don’t wanna be a singer. She asked this thought provoking question: Do gifts have to be used where they are seen? So I decided to ponder this question for myself because I don’t know any of y’all.

Well my personal view on gifts is that they should be used to glorify the Lord and not ourselves. That’s one of the reasons I’ve never wanted to be famous. I know many people who can sing and then are asked, ‘Why aren’t you on the praise team or choir?’ myself included. Don’t get me wrong, I love to sing and I love music. But does everyone need to hear me? I have a friend who is wonderfully anointed at leading praise and worship, but I think that may be all people would see when they look at her. I think people get tired of being exploited for their gifts. But that’s not my case.

I’ve never really taken the time to develop the natural gifts I have. I just simply do…or don’t. Now the Bible says to use your gifts to help others. I know this because I just looked it up. 1 Peter 4:10. Sidebar: I wonder if celebrities think they are helping others…then again that may not be their motivation.

Back to me: Perhaps I simply want to sing for my own enjoyment or just as worship. Or dance in my living room. How worse off would the world be if we had never heard or seen Michael Jackson? I guess we would never know. It’s almost like that ‘if a tree falls and no one is around to hear it’ riddle. You still have a gift, whether people know it or not. I think what is important is that the right people get to see it. Those who you are supposed to help achieve their next level should experience your gifting. At the end of the day we are all people who want to be special and unique. Just because your gift isn’t on a stage doesn’t mean it’s not special.

Ready for the Weekend

I'm really not though. Because the weekends are not weekends for me. I'm never off and it will be a while until I do have a real weekend off. Two of our lower managers have put in their notice. Which equates to more work for me. I'm off tomorrow but I just know I will be receiving a phone call. Those are the breaks.

And now I'm looking forward to a real grown up move. Buying a house! And for some reason I never really planned for this, but its happening. Just like graduating from college. Its kind of just the natural progression. I am looking forward to decorating a whole house. Even though I've never been the decorator type. Thats more my mom and sister. I have a fashion, but interior decorating is a whole other genre.

this new sleep schedule

Sometime somewhere I got used to staying up late and now I can't go to sleep before 1am. Yet I can't do anything productive while I'm up because I just know I should be asleep.

Back to the grind....

My vacation is officially over. Back to working every weekend, dealing with some range of craziness and resisting the daily temptation of shopping at my store. I just realized that I'm probably one of those people I get mad at for not answering the phone or returning phone calls. There a few that I have yet to return today. Whoops.... But this is why. I don't like talking on the phone when I'm in the car with people or at someone's house. I also don't like calling people I want to talk to when I know I'm not going to have enough time to actually talk to them. And there is the occasional case of forgetfulness.... ah well.

Back to work now. I found out today that I have a new assignment starting as soon as I get back. I really have to tighten up my organizational skills. Perhaps that will be my reason to blog. I think I mascaraed as a person who is organized but I'm not really. I want to be organized to the point where people can pick up where I left off and not be lost. Where I know how to time things out and do them efficiently. Where does that begin? Its all in preparation. So I think I'm good for starting out even thinking about this. Now I gotta put this into practice.

Randomly, this night owl thing is starting to get old for me. I like to be up early. I know I'll get more things done if I start early, but I never do get up. Sleep almost always takes priority. And I really don't like to be rushed getting dressed even though I don't take very long. Then I wait too long to leave the house because I like my house and I just don't want to leave.

Well that was therapeutic! The first step to recovery is admitting to the world you have a problem. And if you can't tell, I do have a problem. Think healing thoughts and pray for my recovery.

Goodbye's

Its funny how you don't realize how much you mean to peoples daily routine until you leave. I don't know how many times I've been told, 'Don't leave' in the past week.

I feel extremely loved...

Black Women Unmarried?

I recently saw a Nightline interview with four successful black women between the ages of 26-31. The subject of the investigation was how these women may never marry for a number of reasons in America. Perhaps we should all move to Africa where there’s no shortage of Black men. Apparently all our men in America are either in jail, uneducated or unemployed. After you get rid of those undesirables there are only 54% of black males left to choose from and they just so happened to leave out homosexuals. So now we’re like at maybe 35% or less.

You know what? I apologize for my sarcasm because I was very conflicted while watching this segment. At first I was kind of in shock. I could see every one of my friends in the video. Then I was angry: what are they trying to prove? What is the purpose and what is the solution? As Steve Harvey pops into the picture as the latest genius of relationships, he says they should date older men.

I think we all have something in common, that we are not willing to settle for the sake of having the title MRS. In fact I know women who DO settle and still aren’t married. Tell me what to do different. I’m not sure I would do it but it would have given more credibility to making this segment seem like it was meant to inform rather than discourage. It made black women seem as if we are at the bottom of the totem pole so to speak. Like men have their choice of women and a black woman would be their LAST choice. Also they pointed out that perhaps our problem is that we actually want to marry black men.

But Nightline if no one wants us, what do we do? Do we lose all hope for marital bliss? And not to mention that getting married is NOT the same as staying married. Well I'm a Believer and I know the devil is a liar. So I think if the devil would want us to be depressed and discouraged this would be just the angle to use. WhatI choose to do is trust in the Lord and make sure I am prepared when the time does come as it WILL. Just mark my words, I'm so confident in the what I speak I leave no room for doubt.

New Beginnings

Well to start this post off I have to give a little background information, so that you're able to follow whenever I talk on the subject. At my church we follow what is called the vision of 12. It just does exactly what Jesus did and is based on the Great Commission "go into all the world and make disciples". So in following that commission every is expected to have a cell group we call our 12. I am in a 12 and I have a 12.

Well I have one and it took me 3 yrs to get that one. Last night I realized just how much of a responsibility it was to have that one. I mean I think I realized it years ago which is why it took me so long to even open myself up to having person in my group. And I have heard people call their groups their spiritual sons or daughters, but I didn't think.......Wow, it just hit me last night that I feel like a mother. Never did I realize that I would be raising a 20 yr old, but she is also a baby in Christ. To take her through the steps of spiritual growth is so eye-opening. I am constantly thinking back to where I was at her age. Six years doesn't seem like a huge gap, but we are like eons apart. I've been told I'm even mature for my age so that like doubles the age difference.

She is totally a blessing to me. Thank God that she actually listens and values my opinion. Not only that she is concerned and cares for me. Although it has taken us a while to get to a place of complete trust and openness which is to be expected I am so honored that God has trusted me with such a precious gift. Now I understand how a parent feels. I'm proud when she does well, I discipline when needed, I love at all times. Wow...Its amazing.

How to get and keep your man

I think the magazine industry is making a killing off of confused women who just want to be in a healthy relationship. They tell all these ways to find and supposedly keep a man. Some tell you men love confidence, others tell you to be domicile. However talking to a couple of my friends who have recently seen their relationships go down the drain without them ever doing anything wrong has me asking some questions. What is going on with the men in America? I can only say America because this is the only place I've lived. My experience is very limited but I live vicariously through others. And as far as I'm concerned I'd rather not date at all. I just need someone who interests me spiritually, intellectually and physically enough to not be bored after a month. I say just as if thats so simple. Apparently its not. And my experience in Oklahoma is that black men here don't really date black women. Its very rare to see a black couple. I am an equal opportunity dater but black men are my preference. I may have to move just to get married.

Anywho, back to my questions.... It seems as if we women have gotten selfish. We've gotten ourselves together financially and regained our confidence taught our children to have girl power. We've demanded our respect and raised entire families by ourselves. We've had movements and achieved great accomplishments, but have we left our men behind? They don't know what they want. The men haven't learned how to lead a household, make decisions or become husbands. What we have allowed them to do is perpetuate this fight or flight mentality. Wherein they will either stay in a situation suffering without voicing how they're feeling, leaving the situation mentally. Often there is the case where the men abandon the conflict physically by disappearing. Then there are those who cause fights in order have a reason to leave altogether.

In every circumstance there are the exceptions to the rule. I don't have a lot of experience with these but I believe they are out there and I pray my husband is one of these. So maybe the men need to have a movement of their own. I don't think it will be anything like ours but it needs to be one where they realize the value of decision making and commitment. Either their expectations have somehow gotten twisted into some type of fantasy or women have allowed them to be complacent by accepting whatever is given to us. And in the cases when we are not given what we need, we take on the Superwoman persona and tell ourselves and everyone else that we can handle everything.

This is all out of order. Everyone ends up heart broken. The men continue to wander aimlessly and women wonder whats wrong with me?

Just a thought

If I tell you as a word of caution not to join a group because they don't believe in Godly principles and you don't follow Godly principles, is my warning in vain?

Ah well...

There are some people in my life that make me feel like I can do absolutely nothing right. That's when I have to say, Devil you are a liar! And make them take it back by blowing them out of the water. This is one of those days. I feel like I'm always being watched and truth be told, I am. Cue the music: I always feel like somebody's watchin meeeeee. I'll take that challenge and see you at the top. I'm so tired of being mediocre. Barely getting by on anything. I wanna be excellent.

random

Saw a cute guy in Wal-Mart today. I was ashy from head to toe. Sometimes its sucks not caring. Y'all stay moisturized! Bout to get my eyebrows threaded...

Watch out there now!

Ya gurl's got internet now! You know what that means? When I can't sleep at 2am, I'm so gonna be right here! I know at least one person who's gonna be excited about that!

For my first deep thought of the day I would like to say, with the exception of this day being my aunt's birthday, this is a day I will never be able to forget. You know how your parents talk about knowing where they were when MLK was shot or Kennedy. I know exactly where I was on this day 8 years ago. I know how I felt and the memory is forever imprinted. And I remember thinking on that day how important it was to know the Lord.

I am so glad that I have grown and I am still learning which means I still have growing pains. The reason that day still resonates in my memory is does hurt that some people did not think that would be their last day on Earth. They had plans for tomorrow, I pray its a wake up call each and every year. Not only for me, but for their families.

*sigh*

I saw a man with a pool table for sale. If I had the money I would have gotten it. I was just thinking the other day how nicely a pool table would fit into my room. Who wants to go play?

Ohh wee

I have been missing my blog something serious. Trust me people, I've had a lot to say these last few months but without internet its hard to write in the moment. I just got back from a vacation in VA. I'm so glad I got to go because I never get to go anywhere. I'm always working. Speaking of work, which I don't speak of ever, I'm at the end of a transition which I'm really excited about. Its finally a challenge that I am willing to put more than just the minimum work into. Time for me to be an over-achiever. But the vacation was awesome! You really know you have true friends when you can see them two years later and feel like its only been a couple days (Thanks Holly). Right now this is just a reintroduction, no real topic or anything. I'll be hooking up the internet soon then it will be non-stop blogging. I thank God for a rejuvenated spirit and motivation to keep growing. 

Yeah, I know this blog is kinda blah. I've been out the habit for a while. It'll get better I promise. 

heard that

I have a love/hate relationship with soul music. Its so deeply ingrained with sadness and the voices that sing it FEEL SO MUCH. You can't help but feel it. I grew up with this music and took to it quickly with vigor. Attached to that came the depression of the music. It speaks so badly of love. Love hurts, love don't love me, love seems to hate us. No wonder I've been commitment phobic, self-destructive and evasive. If you were to listen to some of my old mix CD's you'd think I was depressed and you'd be RIGHT. Why in the world was I depressed at 11 and 12 years old? How could I ever identify with any of this music and never experienced any type of love. There was a longing it, an ache you heard. It was good at first then turned for the worst. This music shaped my perception of love. And I thought I was a romantic.


These people don't know what love is.

I'm Dreamy

So, a co-worker says to me,"Why you so SERIOUS? Sometimes you be looking like you wanna slap me." I should have said, MAN I'm FOCUSED! But instead I said, I dunno... Its not like I don't have a silly side. Not everyone gets to see that. But when I'm at work, I'm working. That's why its called work. And I like my job so I'm constantly thinking of how to make things better. Plus I got lots of other things running through my mind. Making a lotta plans right now. Thinking so much!! I need a vacation. Anybody up for a cruise?

oh memories!!

Y'all ever got whipped with a switch? I don't know why this came to my mind today. I was just wondering if this was a country thing? Black people thing? Iono. And remember you had to get your OWN switch? And if you ain't pick out a good one then you had a get another one. My grandma had a really good switch bush. You tear the switch off, wrap your hand around the branch and go from the bottom to the top. Get all the leaves off that way.

Now somebody tell me why its called a switch? Because it could switch a bad attitude to a good one? Cus it changed from a tree branch to a device of disciplinary action in mere seconds?

I guess I started thinking bout this because I been thinking about kids lately. How to raise em. It might just be time to bring back the switch. I think I'll plant a switch bush just in case......

Its's gotta be something

One more week until the end of my fast and its not getting easier. The other day I was just thinking, I wanna quit. But I feel like this is the time where breakthrough is at the door. Today at work out of nowhere I was asked a series of questions about God and Jesus. Out of nowhere. I feel like if I was preparing for this moment, then it was worth it. I pray that I answered correctly. And I told them if only I just give you what I feel. Is there a way? People are sooo on guard about God and mention Jesus...oh its all over.

Basically we had a nearly intense conversation about witnessing and telling people about the Lord. How do you know truth is truth? How do you convince someone else about the truth? I believe God does give us opportunities to witness, but everyday should be a silent witness.

Everyday I'm learning. God is an awesome Teacher.

Who's getting old?

I went to my high school homecoming game. I had so much fun! My high school was like being at an HBCU. And no one who didn't go there understands. We had so much school pride. Plus I was a flag girl in the band, so during the third quarter the alumni got to perform with them. I'm more in shape than I thought. My kicks were higher than some of those high school girls! That was my workout for the week. This is one for the books.

Turn it around

So keeping this up is gonna be another challenge. My mind goes blank after work. Without television I gotta find something else to do. This would be a great time to finish all the things I procrastinated to do. Perhaps drawing, cleaning, or making some more lists(I love lists).

I am going to church tonight, they cut it down to an hour service. There are pros and cons to having one hour service. Pros: Its just one hour. Get in, get out, go home. Con: Its just one hour. Its hard for me to convince myself to drive to the other side of town for just an hour. Then if I happen to get out even a lil bit late, forget it. And right now, I'm tired. But I am gonna go.


My sister has been getting interested in God lately and I am happy about that. Sometimes I wonder what her motives are and really that's probably not for me to know. I'll just continue to pray for her and I hope she finds more than she was looking for.

OH buddy!

Look at ME go! Two days in a row posting! I'm trying to get back in the habit of writing some interesting stuff. I feel like I've lost my groove a lil bit. Then again, I don't really do anything or go anywhere. And really, I don't care to because if I did I probably still wouldn't have time to write. Mostly the reasons for my absence are because I moved down the street and I don't have a computer there.

Right now I'm fasting from television (don't ask if I've seen anything), meat (except fish), cheese (you know how I loves it) and chocolate. Needless to say, it has been a real challenge. But God has been showing me a lot. I can't wait to see what He reveals next. I'll most likely be writing about that.

But I will say this: I'm so tired of hearing that I'm old. I'm still in my TWENTIES! In my opinion, that ain't old. And I will never accept that. I look at like this. I feel like I'm still growing and learning at an amazing rate. So as long as I'm growing I won't be calling myself old.

So when I started my fast, I made the mistake of thinking all spiritually. Like I'm gonna be so much more loving! Clearly some of the first things I saw about myself were things that were so ungodly! I told my girl from church about it and she said," Well at least they're coming out."

I have this huge mirror in my living room. I started to write all those things on the mirror. One thing led to another and now my mirror is nearly full. I get the pleasure of looking at them everyday. So then I took the Word and applied scripture to everything. That in itself is a lesson. I was looking for something in my Bible and ran across this note. "The closer you get to God the more you realize your own sinfulness and unworthiness." The thing I love about God is that He rebuilds you. I'm so looking forward to what's gonna come out of this.

Watch ME

I know I haven't been too loyal to my blog. I kinda forgot about it for a while. But I'll try to do better.

What's been going on in my life? So much I may not have time to explain. But I do have a thought for now.

Being saved is like being a celebrity. Think about it. Everyone thinks they know you and they don't. Paparazzi always looking for dirt on you. If they don't find any, they make it up or go way back in the past to dig up some. Don't let you have one bad day... Oh no. Then the impression is made.

Now for the differences: Instead of rehab, we repent. We get the greatest rewards: peace, joy and righteousness. I love being saved! There's nothing like it. I've tried some things and observed others. This is where its at.

OK

I think I'm getting the hang of this.

goals, goals, goals

So in my discipleship group we've been focusing on answering God's call on our lives. Not that everyone just instantly knows what they've been called to do. Or even believe their calling. At this point we are exploring gifts, goals and interests then submitting them to God. Sounds like an air tight plan. Not as easy to execute. Fighting doubt, low self esteem and laziness every day can cause you to stay stuck. I've seen it . Its easy to be mediocre. I don't want to be that. Because its also disappointing.

Then we also expressed a fear that was common to most of us. The fear of being great. Actually accomplishing what you set out to do. I've been getting back into reading Dr. Myles Monroe's book Understanding Your Potential. He said, Failure is not in the lack of successes but rather failure is the lack of trying.

I'm not the most outgoing person. I'm not really good at networking. And I don't know that many people, but I know someone who knows everyone. I think I need to spend a little more time with Him.

I can't wait for the next Encounter.

Let's start a new trend

How bout we help each other out and stop settling for mediocrity? We seem to be afraid to reach our dreams. Make a difference in the world. Who has been telling us what we can't do. I for one am all about making others step up to their potential. I plan to lead by example.

As a person who had no ambition as a teen. I simply existed and dreamed, but never acted. I refuse to step down anymore. Anyone stepping into my life has to come up. I'm not coming down. I want more for myself than I've ever wanted. I'm taking steps to do those things.

Don't tell anybody

I'm a closet sports fan. I'll watch just about any sport on television. My favorite: basketball. I love it from an artistic point of view. I honestly think its the most graceful contact sport there is. Now I don't know anyone's stats. I won't be debating with anyone, so don't try and challenge me on my knowledge.

I do know who I like and right now, I'm all about the Celtics. Wherever Ray Allen is, I'm there. Plus you can't beat a team with Ray, Kevin Garnett, AND Paul Pierce. Oh yes, its about to go down, That game last night was freakin fabulous. I may not be able to watch them all. I get a lil outta control.

Anyway, GO CELTICS!!

Putting it all together

This a real grow up time for me. I got many issues and they seem to coming to the surface all right about now. I stay positive most of the time, oh but its gettin rough. I'll just put one of those issues out there. Trusting God. Pretty big, huh? And it seems so basic, right? But when I begin not to trust Him, I try to put things together on my own. A lil bit of a control freak am I.

I could get a job anywhere. I don't want just any job. I want the job that is going to propel me into my purpose. At this point I feel like I over stayed my time at my current job. I'm beginning to hate it. Don't wanna wake up and go there. Everyone is starting to irk me. Not a good look. Anyone who has ever looked for a job knows its a process. I've gotten calls from places where I just don't want to work. Sure its a job, but at what risk. I've been going to work and I feel like its a waste of time.

There's so much stuff I'm capable of doing. I'm looking for those open doors.

How frustrating it must be for God. Its like having to prove that your trustworthy every week to someone you love. You might just yell,"When are you finally gonna trust me?"

Just like everybody else I get discouraged sometimes as well. I really am thankful there's a Word for me when I get to church. I was starting to get overwhelmed. I'm much better now.

Ready or Not

I had an amazing experience with the Lord last night. Amazing because I hadn't felt that way in a long time. This week I have been going to prayer at my church mainly because its been available. I missed Tuesday simply because I found a big sticky stain on my shirt as I was about to get out of my car. Irrelevant maybe, but nonetheless it happened to be the end of a chaotic day anyway.

So, I got to prayer with a mission. I had to experience the presence of God. But I didn't wanna get all emotional, crying and snotting. I wanted to this very controlled and lady like. I sat there for an hour and nothing really happened. Nothing I could think of. And I felt like I was really trying to get there too. Maybe not really.

Anyway, church begins and my pastor forewarns us if we do want to experience a change, we might wanna leave the church. He goes through the message, a powerful one, then begins to pray. Oh he definitely was hearing from God. I was really trying not to be distracted, but I saw one of my friends that I'd been praying for go to the altar. Praise God! But there was some work to be done in me. I felt the power of God so strong. I had such a need to be delivered. I cried out for deliverance. I saw my other friend I'd been praying for go to the altar. Praise God. And He wasn't done with me yet. I was bent down so far I was crying UP. Even after the pastor said you are dismissed, there were still people worshiping at the altar including me. I went to hug my friend and after that went back to praising. If only we could have spent the night there.

Its so crazy that at church you can still feel the judgment so strong. People think they know whats going on because there's so much gossip. I know that people must have thought that my actions were for my friends. While I am grateful to God that they came to the altar, I'd been waiting all week to experience that level with God. I came to the realization earlier that day that just like He has a relationship with me, He has one with each of them. Though I pray for them, its not about what I do. I love them either way and so does He.

I also know that after you experience that level of worship, its hard to go home and change everything about what you'd been doing. Although you have begun a change in you, everything around you is the same. I think thats why so many people wanted to stay there. It's so much easier.

God is so worth it. I wish I could explain further. You have to know Him for yourself. I have a friend who is afraid to get close to God because he feels it means more pain in his life. We must love ourselves, but love Christ more. Thats hard for us because so long we've been fed to forget about HIM. This world is so screwed up. I think what he's looking for is a demonstration of God's power. And that is the beginning of another entry, but the end of this one.

Preparation is key

I had an interview today. The first one I was actually excited about. This morning started off in utter chaos. I had to finish my hair (which is no easy task in itself), find out where the place was and get a professional copy of my resume. I thought I would have enough time. Apparently, I didn't. I had to run up to my apartment at three times because of things I had forgotten. Let me tell you, running up and down three flights of stairs in heels is not fun. It is a good work out though.

Anyway, I get directions. I'm like 'Forget the resume, just get there'. Speed down the highway and I'm in the general area of the building, but cannot find it. You gotta know how frustrating it is to be so close, yet so far. I start praying, Lord what do I do? Do I call? I'm so late. That looks so unprofessional. Should I reschedule? Its kinda late to reschedule. I've missed it. God is taking too long to answer me. So I call Tiff. No answer. I call my mom. No answer. I call Milyaka. Straight to voicemail. So I go back to God. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

As I'm driving I hear the CD I'm listening to "He's still in control" they sing. "He's sovereign and He knows". And I'm like yeah, yeah. I know all that. But what do I do NOW? And God reminds me to trust Him. If not this interview, there will be another. Therefore, be prepared next time.

This whole episode was a very quick lesson learned. I literally just got out of the car to write this. How can you expect the blessing if you're not prepared to receive it?

Its time

So I gave my two weeks notice to my boss and I'm grateful for the peace of God in doing it. Had I stayed and continued to do well, I might have become complacent. Feels like a new chapter in my life and there's been confirmation all around. Now I can toward my ultimate goals in my life.

Praise God

Thank you DADDY for doing what you've promised you would do! I can't even explain what it means to me.

Salvation

I thank God that I'm saved and my friends should thank God as well. If it had not been for the Lord, I would be the wenchiest wench (or a Double W as coined by Tiff) that you would ever know. In addition to being a mean person, I had a foul mouth. Now to some, that may have been entertaining but to me it was exhausting. I was a mean person and never denied it. And as most know misery loves company. But I don't think Misery is as popular as people would think. Misery might love company, but who wants really wants to be around her?

As a Christian I cut out the foul mouth, but I have still have a weapon. An arsenal as a matter of fact. I tend to be right about most things. No really its true. It seems that I must let people know that too. At the time I think I'm doing them a favor. Don't you want to know whats right? In the end, I get satisfaction from knowing I was right. What does that make me? Self- righteous? Ewwww. That is not sexy.

I'm skimming through this book I picked up in the library. The Power of Purpose: Living well by doing good. Just by the title I know its gotta be Biblical. And it is, but not overtly. The way of the world is to take Biblical principals, yet don't give God the credit. Anyway, the part that caught my attention is a chapter called Winning the War. "The feeling of power that comes from making a clever, cutting remark or proving yourself smarter than someone else is a petty victory." Ouch. I felt that.

I've been praying about being judgmental because clearly I can be. I don't want to be right with the risk of pushing others away. And I have learned it doesn't really matter if you were right or not, people do what they want anyway. There's really no need it making them feel small after they realize they've made a bad decision. What if you were just supportive in the end once they've finally come to themselves? They wouldn't resent you for looking down at them, but thank you for being there.

Erykah Badu said in a magazine,"Being humble is so 2007." Humility may be out of style, but its definitely a necessity.

how's it goin?

So how's the new place? How you like the apartment? All questions I've been asked. I mean there's not too much there. It's quiet and I mean that in a good way. I can't wait until I get some furniture. I've been asked what I need. Y'all know I love lists so I told em. I've never lived alone before. It's very strange. I feel like its something that I need to do. Maybe I'm not as independent as I thought. Then I started to think, is this the way it will be forever? I'm jumping the gun, I know. And I've only been there a couple weeks. So now its furniture time.

I'm tired of sleeping on the floor. Its too hard to get outta bed when bed is on the floor. Its like climbing upward which takes more energy than swinging your legs over. You're already halfway standing up. Furniture is coming in two days.

Plus, I've had all this crap going on with my phone. Haven't been able to call anyone. Great introspective time. Now I'm ready for my phone back. I'm just wondering what my voicemail has on it. Can't wait to listen to messages from a month ago.... and erase them.

My niece wrote me a letter. She's only 3, so it was one SHE had to read to ME. It said, "Kita Come home, I love you." Then a couple hours later it said, "Kita Stay with me, I love you very much. " Touched me wayyy deep in my heart. I love my baby, but I gotta grow up and I HAD to get out.

Speaking of growing up......HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!

Those leeches again

I have a lil cousin who likes to tell me about her day to day life. I appreciate being the big cousin that she feels she can talk to, but at the same time its all so immature. I realize that I am definitely in a different generation. I know she's a kid and they do immature things, but I just wanna say, "Grow up!!" Maybe I expect more from her and I shouldn't. I don't know what its like to go to high school these days. I don't know the pressure she's under. But what I want to do is help her see the bigger picture. Life is bigger than high school. Guys, I know she's not my age. That doesn't change the fact that childish ways irk me. Especially from people who want to say, 'I'm grown'.

I've always felt this burden when people want to tell you about their lives and problems. What do you do? Do you let them make their own mistakes and say nothing? Do you give advice and watch them make the mistake anyway? Sometimes I feel its better to say nothing because at least you don't have to say 'I told you so' at the end of it all. Its better for me anyway. But sometimes I can't help it.

I try to drill into her, learn from my mistakes!! Don't make stupid choices!! The reason I feel like she's in my life right now is because we are so similar and she may be one of the reasons that I have to be in OK right now. I guess I have to get over the immaturity.

Also on my mind about kids, when does it start being OK for people to stop doing the things they were taught as kids? In my friends' class someone asked is it OK for us to call someone a derogatory term if its true? NO! People don't know that its not a good idea to insult someone. Yet we tell our kids, don't say mean things. There are words that adults use that seem fine but if your 3-year-old repeats them, they might just get beat. I believe everything starts with the parents. I'm scared for this next generation with all these babies having babies, they haven't fully developed themselves. And everyone is getting knocked up these days!

What can you do?

Well I call myself trying to honor my word by going to this wedding of a high school friend and I ended up getting lost twice and losing my cell phone. I am about tired of my cell phone provider anyway, so I think I'll cancel it all together. But in the meantime until I can get a new phone, I'll be without one. That should be interesting. Also I may have to change my phone number which I've been trying to avoid. I liked having my lil piece of VA. Perhaps its all for the best. Lord, knows I never could bring myself to erase anyone's number. It was full of numbers that would never call me and I would never call them. I'm sure I'll recover the ones that count and there's always the internet.

On top of all that, I've been attempting to move over the weekend. Getting rid of some of the clutter at my moms. Eventually, I'll be moving the big stuff. And you know when that refund check rolls in I'll get my bedroom set.

Right now I'm not really trippin. If you really gotta get me, you know how.

Sweet freedom

Folks, I'm finally getting out. I've been planning on moving away from my family since I got here two years ago and its finally happening. Granted, I'm moving just down the street, but its more space and its mine. I finally get to see what kind of budget I'm really working with.

I have to admit I'm kinda nervous about living by myself. I've never done it before. Even in the dorm there were people just down the hall if you got the urge to chat. At least if and when my friends plan to visit I'll have a place for them to stay. And I'm so excited about decorating the whole place. Find out what my decorating style actually is.

unofficial wedding crashers

So this year, I find myself invited to at least four weddings. And where I go, my crew goes. I think we're gonna start an album. Because at least we always look fabulous and its an actual occasion to look fabulous.

I'm learning

Two things that might help me be on time:
Realizing that it now takes me longer than 30 min to get ready.
Realizing that not everywhere I go only takes 15 min of travel time.

staying on course

As much as I try to keep from talking about work on here, my life lately has been nothing but. It's all because our regional manager was coming to visit. On Sunday I was at work until 3am waiting for the people to finish cleaning the floors then had to get up and go to a meeting at 7am. Yes, 7am. On my day off. Not only that, but my co-worker calls and tells me I need to come in at 9pm to start preparing for the visit. That doesn't end till 5am and I have to be there at 7am again! Yes, 7am. When I got home, I collasped in the bed which resulted in this 3am post. I have no doubt that I'll fall asleep again. Hopefully I wake up in time to watch One Tree Hill. Thankfully, my boss switched off days with me and I'm off today. Which also means that I get to go to church today! I'm excited.

on the bright side?

Whereas the last year or so has been like a drought of men in my life. No men whatsoever. Now I'm getting approached by men that are not even my type. I'm talking short men, possibly gay men. Could this be a good thing? Perhaps God is showing me this is definitely NOT what you want.

How do you answer the question, What kind of guys do you like? Well that was kinda hard for me because I haven't talked to I guy I liked in a long time. And perhaps that needs to be revised to the right kind of man I should like. Not physically, but personality wise.

Tiff was going through her loooong list of pet peeves or things that she did not want in a man. What about you? she asked. I mean good hygiene is a given. As far as physical, taller than me in heels and handsome. Fashion: someone who has his own sense of style. Quirky or preppy, I don't really care. I do love a fresh hair cut. Pet peeve of mine: pet names (sweetheart, baby, boo). Especially if they start too early. Ew. The ultimate sale, someone who I can talk to, hold a conversation with, feel an instant chemistry.

And here's the irony of it all. With all this talk of meeting someone, I don't really care to meet anyone. I don't need any excuse to stay here longer than I have to. So what's all this about? Nothing, just writing...

how can I respect you?

Most would say respect has to be earned. But I think thats because we don't respect each other in the first place.

Tiff quote: They were talking to their, what do you call that spousal group? Oh yeah, parents.

Lately I live at work. I've worked 33 hours this week already and I still have two more days of work to go. Do the math. Thats called a fat check and an exhausted me.

On kinda the same note, I've been feeling strongly the need to pray for my place of employment. Its a strong attack against that place. I was on my way to work one day and found myself deeply stressed and aggravated. It's trying to take over my life. I was mainly upset that I haven't been able to go to church either because I'm at work or too tired to go. I hate being a zombie in church. I'd rather be at home than be in church physically but not mentally. So on my way to work I started to have a pity party for myself and the tears came to the edge of my lashes. Then I felt like the spirit of the Lord was telling me to suck it up and I did. Just like that. I surprised myself. It was sorta like when your parents would tell you,"Quit that crying and fix your attitude before you walk up in there." In that split second He showed me that I'm an example for my employees and a reflection of Him. So I fixed my attitude. Little did I know I was walking into breakdown central and needed to be the tower of strength, so to speak. Praise God for a voice of reason and a relationship or I'd be leading breakdown central with the biggest, stankiest attitude of them all and breakdown of my own to maintain.

Today however was almost the straw to break the camel's back. As soon as I walked in, disaster after disaster. One client commented to me,"Well things can't get any worse." I smiled and said, "Let's hope not." So now do I just expect disaster and roll with it or do I work to find out how to minimize it? Maybe a little bit of both.

Just the start...

Well I have been one busy diva! Just got back from Houston this week for a store opening. It was so much fun. The company you're with can make or break a trip. Thankfull,y I was with a group of girls who were all jokes. Kept things from getting too stressful. And I'm all about taking trips away from my job. It starts to get so monotonous.

Anyway, on to deeper subjects. I often fall asleep thinking of really deep stuff which sometimes leads to me not being able to sleep till later. I've been reading this book called A Heart Ablaze. I got the book because my Twelve is watching the dvd series and I couldn't get to all the meetings. It's mad deep. It focuses on having a heart on fire for God. Well I was like, I definitely want that. One of the things he said was, "God did not put Adam in the garden to have a worldwide ministry." He was there to walk with God in the cool of the day. We were created to have an intimate relationship with God. And it gets deeper, trust me.

So this leads me to night waking thoughts. What is it really to be lukewarm? Am I lukewarm? God hates lukewarm more than anything. He said, I'd rather you be hot or cold. Better you be cold and know it than think you're hot and not be. Or be pretending to be all about Him and you're not. I constantly check myself or get checked. And its hard getting checked. Kind of a shock to your self esteem. I've found myself have to be built back up by God. It's worth it.

Suffering

This question was in my mind as I lay down to sleep last night. When is the right time to choose suffering? Jesus had a choice to be delivered from the cross. He could have just thought of some other way to bring awareness about God. He didn't even want to die. But it had to happen to make atonement for our sin.

In my life I've had several instances where I could have taken the easy road or taken a much more uncomfortable road. I, of course, took the easy road. Who paid for my choice? Who was NOT changed because I didn't want to be uncomfortable?

This is a question for God, but if you have any scriptural basis or any thoughts please post them.

Let's get real

So at this point, I have no reason not to be completely one hundred with my audience. You have seen me at some really low points. And if you haven't just go through the archives, I haven't erased anything. I feel the urge to fully express myself but with respect to those involved I'll try and keep some things private.

When I came back to OK after school I had every intention of "getting right" with the Lord. For one reason I felt there were no distractions here for me. And even more than equipping me with a church that would teach me how connect with God, He gave me what I felt was a team. Support to walk this thing out, which is something I felt like I didn't have while I was in school. Thus the reason I blamed my blacksliding on.

And where I am almost two years later, I no longer have that team. I think I threw a pity party for myself for about two weeks. Then I really started to pray. My whole concern is what in the world allows justification for back sliding when you have a church and support to help you walk out your salvation? Well, if I don't know anything else I now know that it is a personal decision to follow God. And we make that decision everyday. It's easier than you think to fall off. I think its like being always being in a crowd of people and still feeling lonely. If you don't have that personal relationship with God, which means allowing Him to be God, then you don't know you have someone who always with you. If nothing else, losing my team has taught me that at the beginning and end of the day I have to know that God is there and not to depend on people to keep me saved. Only I affect my walk with the Lord.

The reason I backslid two years ago was not because I didn't have support. (Well thats not the only reason) It's mostly because there was something I wanted to experience and I didn't realize at the time that it wasn't worth the experience. Although it would have been great to have the resources that I have today and had when I actually decided to follow Christ, if I didn't make the decision then that I was going to follow Him no matter what, it wouldn't have made a difference.

So to my sisters, its not that I don't miss you or love you that I'm not around as much. And to tell you the truth it has very little to do with your extra-curricular activities. I don't even really know what you're doing these days and vice versa. I'm not worried about being brought down, I want to be built up. I make no apologies for my decision. I could have continued to just sit and shake my head at you, but I was not helping you. You may not understand it, but I don't understand yours either. No matter what I'm still on your team, your support for the right things. And although I'd rather there not be any friction between us, it seems to be inevitable because we disagree on a deeper level. And we could hang out, but it wouldn't make sense. Even if you see it as being selfish, what better reason to be selfish about than who you're in covenant with? Just so you know I'm not looking for any new best friends, you guys are truly irreplaceble. There are no words for how I feel for the two of you. And if I have to be alone right now, it's cool for me. I take for granted nothing that we all shared and I still believe we have untapped levels to discover together. I think this separation is to teach each one of us something and for me its not to forget my most important relationship is with Him. I pray that it is only for a short season that we are not together.

Start again

Perhaps if we begin to think of every birthday as a new beginning and not the end of an era, it might inspire us to do new things. My birthday is a few months off, I can't wait to see what the 25th will bring. What new things will start to sprout up in my life? I have started thinking about the next step in my life. Something completely different than what I've done before. It's an exciting time.

I've started thinking about grad school or maybe even art school. Maybe starting over in a new city, which actually doesn't excite me all that much. Not as much as it did when I first left for college. I'm not as eager to meet new people, but I realize that is inevitable. I am giving myself six months to settle into the idea. And all of this is null and void if the Lord sets me in another direction.

I've noticed how much of a distraction my television is and therefore I am turning it off more than I am turning it on. Lucky for you guys that means more blog time! YAY! I'll keep you abreast of any developments.

Life as it is

My mind went back to a list that my spiritual mom had us write out in Bible study one night. I believe it was family and friends who needed to be saved. Well I saw my Dad tonight and he told me he went to church on Sunday. When he told me what the message was and that he realized he needed a change I was just praising God on the inside. Seeing people actually start to see Him is a wonderful and beautiful thing.


On a random note: I just wonder how it would affect society if as adults we were allowed to have recess as a part of the work day. Just to have half an hour to go out on the swings or get on the merry go round. To actually see people let loose. I think it'd be awesome.

random thoughts

These "models" online who have professional pictures online. Who are they modeling for? Do they have an agency? Are they getting paid for these pics? What would Tyra say? Looks like an excuse to get oiled up and take off their clothes to me.

Dag it sucks that I can't remember some of my 'friends' on facebook and myspace. Nope not even a remnant of a memory.

I gotta get a better job so I can travel more....

What did that dream mean last night. I had a great car in it though. Tv's in the doors.

It's funny how some people just seem to pop back into your life right on time. Like now.... I was just expecting to hear from you.


Why have I not moved from this spot in three hours? OK OK I'm going....
I keep hearing songs from freshman year. Makes me miss the dorms and those lock-ins at Student Center. The most awesome year ever. 2001!

Beautiful day wasted resting

Well today was my one day off. Unfortunately I spent it sleeping and semi watching television in and out of consciousness. It seems that I may have caught something. I thought it might have been allergies or lack of sleep or maybe a combo. So I've been kinda drugged up all week. Taking Sudafed, Claritin, Theraflu and Advil. I hate being sick. But I need to get better by tomorrow because I have to work.

This girl at my job went to the hospital for dehydration and probably exhaustion as well. I think I know how she feels. Earlier in the week I felt like my body turned on my from lack of sleep/coffee/lack of food combination. The job ain't worth it y'all. No job is. I'll no longer be sick from over working myself or worrying. I've been meditating on that verse Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious for anything but by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I really like that. Peace guarding my heart and my mind.

Buy me a drank?

As much as I hate T-Pain's music if the title fits, wear it!


I was awakened this morning by a question. Three actually. Then I went back to sleep. Then I was awakened again with a task. Now that I actually had to get up and complete that task, I'm back to at least offer some thought to the first question. Can there be such a thing as a Christian owned liquor store? It wasn't my question people, but I'm gonna attempt to answer. Well to tell you the truth, if there are any they aren't using that as a selling point. And it would either be a very popular store for all the Christians who felt any conviction for going to the liquor store in the first place or not successful at all because people feel convicted just by going in. Can you imagine walking in and hearing, "We fall down, but we get up."?

Now as drinkers love to point out the Bible says nothing about drinking being wrong only getting drunk. At the time it was customary to have wine with meals. They didn't have soda, purified water or artificial fruit juices. Nor any way store juice. If they did make juice it probably got fermented and ended up as wine anyway.

My thing about drinking was always this. I never really liked the taste of alcohol. Which is why I drank hard liquor. After awhile you can't even taste it. Even those lil fruity mixed drinks theres a trace of the alcohol taste. Gotta drink a couple to not get any taste. But the real kicker is those that you can't even taste the alcohol. They get you drunk before you finish the bad boy. Now when I even get a lil buzzed, it don't feel right. I'm not saying I felt this way earlier this year or even a month ago. Because I missed the taste of something I didn't even like in the first place I tried wines thinking it wasn't gonna be that bad. It wasn't even worth it! They all taste the same to me! I don't get it.

Anyway, for me the point of drinking was always to get drunk. I still feel that way. What's the point of drinking at all if you ain't gone get buzzed. Its a tease. And me, I'm all or nothing. So I choose nothing. It's not a good look. And I'm not sure it would be for Christian liquor store, but thats me. The could justify that they're just getting all the riches from the wicked thats stored for the righteous. You know thats in the Bible.

And the answer to the second and third questions:

Sponges firstly came from simple sea animals called poriferans, which are macerated to leave the squishy "skeletal" inside, which is full of tiny, water-holding pockets. The softness of natural sponges varies with the species. Synthetic sponges were later developed out of man-made materials, were able to hold slightly more water, and could be produced in more uniform shapes and sizes. Synthetic sponges and natural sponges are both prone to collect bacteria, but some man-made sponges are designed to be more resistant. Like the loofah, it is best to machine wash a sponge about once a week.

The nylon mesh sponge, or "pouf", is made from a nylon net bunched together into a ball. Its recent popularity can be linked to its being both gentle on the skin but abrasive enough for good lathering; and because there are no hidden chambers, the life of the shower pouf is lengthened, since it doesn`t fall prey to grime as easily as other sponges.

Happy Birthday to me !!

Well not exactly, but it is my half-birthday. In exactly six months I will be 25 years old. So I think its an appropiate time to reflect on the first sixteenth of my life. To tell you the truth, it coulda been better. Its my own fault though. But you better believe the next five years are gone be off the hook. The most fabulous five consecutive years of my life to date. And its only gonna get better from there. Done with the boys (boys not men), done with the hang- overs, done with teen/early twenties drama. If I ever really thought I was grown before.....No this is real grown. I can actually rent a car on my own. Car insurance goes down! Businesses actually consider me responsible enough not to charge me an arm and a leg to cover themselves.

I got goals people and if I keep putting them off I'll be trying to do them in between kids. I've already seen that does not work. Procrastination is over!!! Good-bye to you! Yeah I expect you to watch me. I may have some things go on. As I said everybody goes through stuff. But I'm strong, I'll come out rejuvenated. I know who God is! I'm getting excited.

Has anybody seen this whole automatic bank Monopoly? How lazy are we people? Can we even count our Monopoly money anymore? Thats why people like me can't even do simple math. Then again maybe it will make the game go faster. You know Monopoly takes days to finish.

The Holy Spirit will tell on you

Yes, the Holy Spirit is a tattle-tell. And He don't just go and tell everybody, only the responsible ones who will pray for you. In short, Sarah doesn't know anything (in detail). Mil didn't even tell her. The Holy Spirit told her and you confirmed it.

I remember when I was going through my craziness. I remember now how my best friend backed way up from my life. At the time I hardly even realized that she was gone because I was caught up in my mess. Even when she tried to help me, in her way, it didn't work. She wasn't even equipped to handle what I was going through. No one around me was. Eventually, I stopped being hard headed and listened to what God was trying to teach me. And He had to be the one to teach me. Took a whole year and a whole lotta heartbreak just come back to Him. Then it took a whole nother year to learn how to heal. Now I'm finally in the growth process.

All people go through things, should I be sympathetic? Yes probably. I can see now that some are not as strong as others and one of three things happens. Seek ways of escape to forget what your going through like I did and end up just as weak. End up going through the same things and get frustrated and you're still weak. Come out of the situation and learn from it, get stronger and go through something else to strengthen another weak area.

The devil will always make a fool out of you. He don't like you and he's better at the sin game. The only way to win is not to play. You end up in the same situation that brought you to the altar the first time or worse.

Even though my best friend took a major break from me, she was always there. And she still loved me even though I know she got mad frustrated at my stupidity. To this day, she's still there even long distance. I'm learning how to not be there and be there at the same time. Always loving, always praying and still here.

Has anybody seen this guy?

Tiff and I trying to find a friend from school. We had another life in Hampton. He was one of the guys we said could be involved in our threesome if that ever happened. For some reason guys always wanted to have threesomes with us. I mean it was never a possibility, but it were we joked he would be one of em. We've got several leads. Tiff found a his phone number in her basement. I called, but no luck. A couple years ago we thought of putting out an Amber alert for him. Can you do that for a grown man?

Just so you know, the threesome thing is not the reason why we want to find him. He's a really cool guy and somebody we lost contact with and never heard from again. Get your mind out of the gutter!

I met him three times. I think the third time it stuck because I was making out with his roomate at the time. He used to smoke. A LOT. He had class with Tiff so it probaly took the first week for him to remember her. Its possible he may have forgotten us both by now.

I try keep up with people but I feel like I'm the worst at it. I'm ok with asking friends of friends how people are doing. As long as they are still alive, its cool with me. Who really wants to have the catch up convo? It takes too much time.

Homecoming should be interesting. I'm definitely going this year. I already talked to my boss about it. I better hop on that plane ticket so she can't renig. Lots of people I haven't seen in awhile. Maybe we'll find that old friend. But I haven't even thought about the people I don't really want to see. Oh well. I'm actually gonna go. Cole you coming? I hate to leave Brit behind! Darn that nursing school! Perhaps she could be sick for a weekend.......If not we'll go back in the spring.

I'm about to shine

So this is my day off. I worked about 14 hrs yesterday getting ready for a visit from our district manager. Since I've been promoted, I felt it was my responsibility to not leave the store a complete wreck. So I'm recooperating from it all and trying to take care of the stuff you don't have time for after work. Making sure the car note was paid. Check. Cancelling some whack benefit I found on my account that I did not authorize. Check. Cancelling another needless charge. Check. It's crazy how they try and make you feel guilty about how you spend YOUR money. Plus tell me why all customer service people are foreigners? I can't understand them and they can't understand me. It's a conspiracy I tell you.

So this week I had to teach at my discipleship group's meeting. Last week with the news of one of my favorite's evangelists being physically abused by her husband, I started to think about how we tend to label people from what we know about them. Her husband, a bishop and pastor, is now labeled as a 'wife beater'. Yes, he broke the law and that will be taken care of accordingly. What we as Christians and people tend to do is put people in a certain category and when they do things outside of that we condemn them. Trust me I do this a lot. My point is we shouldn't. Not with celebrities, leaders or people we don't know. I had this thing against Angelina Jolie. I didn't like her because I felt she stole Jennifer's husband. I did like her movies before this whole thing. I don't know any of them people. And my job is not to judge her, its to love her anyway. How often do you label people you know for real? Even if one of my best friend or mother beat someone to death, I wouldn't label them 'murderer'. Nor should we place anyone on a pedastal. Psalms 146:3-5 says:

3 Do not put your trust in princes,
in mortal men, who cannot save.
4 When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;
on that very day their plans come to nothing.
5 Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the LORD his God

Then we put ourselves in place of judgement and that is not our place. We also start gossiping and calling it news. Because of the what the media calls news, its gets confusing. Imagine if King David was up in this today. He'd be labeled an adulterer. Or Paul would just be a murderer. He'd be a Hitler. He was Hilter before Hitler. God uses us in spite of our stupidity and makes us great.

On another note I try not to be a gossip. But its so hard. Its like you find out stuff and there are people you tell everything. How do you distinguish telling friends about your day and gossip? Well this is how you know: if its not going to help you or the hearer, if you wouldn't say it to that person's face or its to hurt the person its about then its gossip.

I'll leave you with this quote from Tiff:

"Stop the nappy mohawks! Whoever started this needs to stop!!"

As I continue...

So I'm struggling to find worthy content to write about. What's on my mind right now? I really need to find something to teach on Sunday and I don't want it to be whack. I really have to depend on the Lord for this because I don't want it to be from me either. What else? I just got promoted and I'm pretty much doing the job I did before I went full time BUT with a great raise. I want to do a good job and learn more than I did before. I want to milk this job for all its worth. Yes....get all I can get.

I'm ready to move out emotionally, but not quite financially. It's gonna be another month before I can actually bust out this joint.

Oh yes, finding a balance of time, spiritually and healthy living. I haven't gotten that together yet.

So, hopefully you're doing better than I am. But that's life I guess.

Wife em up

This one here's for my girl Cole who's sitting at work with nothing to do but wait for my blog to come back into circulation.

I've been thinking this over for a while. ever since my girl Tiff sent me a convo between her and my big bro from college.

Him: our promise back at Hampton if we are still single at 30 we gettin married. :-)

Tiff: U said Kita, not me..."Kita's wife material".. "Kita would make a good wife"lol..

Him:well she also lives over 500 miles away. I'm just thinking rational here, work with me now.

Cracked me up. Then she told me how there were others saying I was wife material. I wonder what wifely qualities they saw in me at college. Was it the way I dropped it like it was hot at the parties? Was it how I didn't speak? Or maybe it was the way I was loyal to those who had minimal interest in me.

Yeah I don't know what it could have been. But somehow it must be unattractive to be considered wife material these days. Clearly I'm still in a waiting phase. I, like majority of women wanted to be married by 25. And with my birthday a little over 6 months away, it doesn't seem like its gonna happen right away. Unless I meet him tommorow.... It could happen people have some faith! Faith is the substance of things hoped for and evidence of things not seen. I'm definitely hoping and not seeing... yet.

It's no one's fault. Ok... I'll take a lil blame. I could be nicer to men in general. But I refuse to lower my standards.

In the meantime, while I'm supposedly waiting, I'll get busy. I ain't got nothing else to do. How bout I build my credit? Go on a real vacation? Chill. Get some patience.

I rather not talk about being single all the time, but there's no way to avoid it. I think I shall be an open book with nothing to hide. Send me all your single, saved woman inquiries. How am I making it? Just like an alcoholic in rehab... one day at a time.

Yes I know, I'm a random blogger. I'd probably frustrate my loyal readers if I had any. What can I say? I write when I have the time and when I feel it.

I'm getting to the point where God is motivating me to get off my butt and do what I said I wanted to do. I'm focused! Every spare moment is dedicated to research. And as I start to write things down I can see it more. But of course right now I am sittin on my butt.

I gotta go. I hate doin these lil substitute posts. I'll holla at y'all.

Yeah, so?

Yes, I am writing my blog instead of being at church. I got off work half an hour before service starts and I hate to be late to church. This past month has been a blur full of events. I'm praying for my church. Even though I love my church and how it has helped me grow in the past year, there's a shifting going on. I'm just praying that the Lord shows me where I'm supposed to be in the middle of all of this. Actually, He has shown me. I'm supposed to be praying. So what's keeping me? Yeah, that's still the matter at hand. I'm an all or nothing gal. I hate half doing stuff. Rather than do that, I won't do at all.

So, I'm writing it down and maybe it will force me to step my game up. But as far as our college ministry is going, I praise God for what he has done through us. Even though it took sooo much for us to be obedient, from leadership on down. I'm just not sure if its the place for me right now. I'm still seeking God about it. And because I don't know, I don't even wanna sit in the meetings. However, I'm tired of people asking me if everything is OK. No, I'm not out at the club just because I didn't show up to practice. I'm fine, trust. That doesn't mean that I want to tell all y'all my business either. I don't have any business really. Life is pretty simple really. God, friends and work. That's about it.

What's causing so much controversy is that all of my friends have quit and now their waiting on me to follow suit. Now, I'm no follower and I just don't wanna quit which might just be rebellion on my part. I keep thinking perhaps I'm supposed to be there, but I can't even bring myself to go.

Hard as nails

I am really thankful for the Holy Spirit. If it weren't for Him I would be an absolute wench and not care! Because some people need to hear it the hard way and some don't. Sometimes I would feel like if you don't wanna hear the truth, don't ask me. And if you ain't ask I ain't say nothing. But if you DO ask, brace yourself. Once I give it to you, I'm not taking it back.

I had a moment where I may have potentially hurt someone's feelings. Even afterward there was no regret, but I did repent to the Lord. And I asked the Holy Spirit, "Why did I repent? I'm not sorry." So He broke it down for me. Its not what you said, its how you said it and where. It definitely was not said out of love, it was out of frustration. Thank you Holy Spirit.

I would never have apologized. I woulda been like,"Well they just need to get over it." But only because of God did I say I was sorry to that person. I still have a ways to go. But I'm glad I asked God for conviction and advice. I feel much better now.

But for the most part I really don't care what people think about me. I know what God thinks about me and I know I'm awesome. He has instilled a confidence in me that is growing all the time. Do you know how it feels to be completely secure? Its outrageous. Like I said, I still have a ways to go, but its cool. I love being obedient to the Lord. Its really rewarding.