Let's get real

So at this point, I have no reason not to be completely one hundred with my audience. You have seen me at some really low points. And if you haven't just go through the archives, I haven't erased anything. I feel the urge to fully express myself but with respect to those involved I'll try and keep some things private.

When I came back to OK after school I had every intention of "getting right" with the Lord. For one reason I felt there were no distractions here for me. And even more than equipping me with a church that would teach me how connect with God, He gave me what I felt was a team. Support to walk this thing out, which is something I felt like I didn't have while I was in school. Thus the reason I blamed my blacksliding on.

And where I am almost two years later, I no longer have that team. I think I threw a pity party for myself for about two weeks. Then I really started to pray. My whole concern is what in the world allows justification for back sliding when you have a church and support to help you walk out your salvation? Well, if I don't know anything else I now know that it is a personal decision to follow God. And we make that decision everyday. It's easier than you think to fall off. I think its like being always being in a crowd of people and still feeling lonely. If you don't have that personal relationship with God, which means allowing Him to be God, then you don't know you have someone who always with you. If nothing else, losing my team has taught me that at the beginning and end of the day I have to know that God is there and not to depend on people to keep me saved. Only I affect my walk with the Lord.

The reason I backslid two years ago was not because I didn't have support. (Well thats not the only reason) It's mostly because there was something I wanted to experience and I didn't realize at the time that it wasn't worth the experience. Although it would have been great to have the resources that I have today and had when I actually decided to follow Christ, if I didn't make the decision then that I was going to follow Him no matter what, it wouldn't have made a difference.

So to my sisters, its not that I don't miss you or love you that I'm not around as much. And to tell you the truth it has very little to do with your extra-curricular activities. I don't even really know what you're doing these days and vice versa. I'm not worried about being brought down, I want to be built up. I make no apologies for my decision. I could have continued to just sit and shake my head at you, but I was not helping you. You may not understand it, but I don't understand yours either. No matter what I'm still on your team, your support for the right things. And although I'd rather there not be any friction between us, it seems to be inevitable because we disagree on a deeper level. And we could hang out, but it wouldn't make sense. Even if you see it as being selfish, what better reason to be selfish about than who you're in covenant with? Just so you know I'm not looking for any new best friends, you guys are truly irreplaceble. There are no words for how I feel for the two of you. And if I have to be alone right now, it's cool for me. I take for granted nothing that we all shared and I still believe we have untapped levels to discover together. I think this separation is to teach each one of us something and for me its not to forget my most important relationship is with Him. I pray that it is only for a short season that we are not together.