Watch out there now!

Ya gurl's got internet now! You know what that means? When I can't sleep at 2am, I'm so gonna be right here! I know at least one person who's gonna be excited about that!

For my first deep thought of the day I would like to say, with the exception of this day being my aunt's birthday, this is a day I will never be able to forget. You know how your parents talk about knowing where they were when MLK was shot or Kennedy. I know exactly where I was on this day 8 years ago. I know how I felt and the memory is forever imprinted. And I remember thinking on that day how important it was to know the Lord.

I am so glad that I have grown and I am still learning which means I still have growing pains. The reason that day still resonates in my memory is does hurt that some people did not think that would be their last day on Earth. They had plans for tomorrow, I pray its a wake up call each and every year. Not only for me, but for their families.

*sigh*

I saw a man with a pool table for sale. If I had the money I would have gotten it. I was just thinking the other day how nicely a pool table would fit into my room. Who wants to go play?

Ohh wee

I have been missing my blog something serious. Trust me people, I've had a lot to say these last few months but without internet its hard to write in the moment. I just got back from a vacation in VA. I'm so glad I got to go because I never get to go anywhere. I'm always working. Speaking of work, which I don't speak of ever, I'm at the end of a transition which I'm really excited about. Its finally a challenge that I am willing to put more than just the minimum work into. Time for me to be an over-achiever. But the vacation was awesome! You really know you have true friends when you can see them two years later and feel like its only been a couple days (Thanks Holly). Right now this is just a reintroduction, no real topic or anything. I'll be hooking up the internet soon then it will be non-stop blogging. I thank God for a rejuvenated spirit and motivation to keep growing. 

Yeah, I know this blog is kinda blah. I've been out the habit for a while. It'll get better I promise. 

heard that

I have a love/hate relationship with soul music. Its so deeply ingrained with sadness and the voices that sing it FEEL SO MUCH. You can't help but feel it. I grew up with this music and took to it quickly with vigor. Attached to that came the depression of the music. It speaks so badly of love. Love hurts, love don't love me, love seems to hate us. No wonder I've been commitment phobic, self-destructive and evasive. If you were to listen to some of my old mix CD's you'd think I was depressed and you'd be RIGHT. Why in the world was I depressed at 11 and 12 years old? How could I ever identify with any of this music and never experienced any type of love. There was a longing it, an ache you heard. It was good at first then turned for the worst. This music shaped my perception of love. And I thought I was a romantic.


These people don't know what love is.

I'm Dreamy

So, a co-worker says to me,"Why you so SERIOUS? Sometimes you be looking like you wanna slap me." I should have said, MAN I'm FOCUSED! But instead I said, I dunno... Its not like I don't have a silly side. Not everyone gets to see that. But when I'm at work, I'm working. That's why its called work. And I like my job so I'm constantly thinking of how to make things better. Plus I got lots of other things running through my mind. Making a lotta plans right now. Thinking so much!! I need a vacation. Anybody up for a cruise?

oh memories!!

Y'all ever got whipped with a switch? I don't know why this came to my mind today. I was just wondering if this was a country thing? Black people thing? Iono. And remember you had to get your OWN switch? And if you ain't pick out a good one then you had a get another one. My grandma had a really good switch bush. You tear the switch off, wrap your hand around the branch and go from the bottom to the top. Get all the leaves off that way.

Now somebody tell me why its called a switch? Because it could switch a bad attitude to a good one? Cus it changed from a tree branch to a device of disciplinary action in mere seconds?

I guess I started thinking bout this because I been thinking about kids lately. How to raise em. It might just be time to bring back the switch. I think I'll plant a switch bush just in case......

Its's gotta be something

One more week until the end of my fast and its not getting easier. The other day I was just thinking, I wanna quit. But I feel like this is the time where breakthrough is at the door. Today at work out of nowhere I was asked a series of questions about God and Jesus. Out of nowhere. I feel like if I was preparing for this moment, then it was worth it. I pray that I answered correctly. And I told them if only I just give you what I feel. Is there a way? People are sooo on guard about God and mention Jesus...oh its all over.

Basically we had a nearly intense conversation about witnessing and telling people about the Lord. How do you know truth is truth? How do you convince someone else about the truth? I believe God does give us opportunities to witness, but everyday should be a silent witness.

Everyday I'm learning. God is an awesome Teacher.

Who's getting old?

I went to my high school homecoming game. I had so much fun! My high school was like being at an HBCU. And no one who didn't go there understands. We had so much school pride. Plus I was a flag girl in the band, so during the third quarter the alumni got to perform with them. I'm more in shape than I thought. My kicks were higher than some of those high school girls! That was my workout for the week. This is one for the books.

Turn it around

So keeping this up is gonna be another challenge. My mind goes blank after work. Without television I gotta find something else to do. This would be a great time to finish all the things I procrastinated to do. Perhaps drawing, cleaning, or making some more lists(I love lists).

I am going to church tonight, they cut it down to an hour service. There are pros and cons to having one hour service. Pros: Its just one hour. Get in, get out, go home. Con: Its just one hour. Its hard for me to convince myself to drive to the other side of town for just an hour. Then if I happen to get out even a lil bit late, forget it. And right now, I'm tired. But I am gonna go.


My sister has been getting interested in God lately and I am happy about that. Sometimes I wonder what her motives are and really that's probably not for me to know. I'll just continue to pray for her and I hope she finds more than she was looking for.

OH buddy!

Look at ME go! Two days in a row posting! I'm trying to get back in the habit of writing some interesting stuff. I feel like I've lost my groove a lil bit. Then again, I don't really do anything or go anywhere. And really, I don't care to because if I did I probably still wouldn't have time to write. Mostly the reasons for my absence are because I moved down the street and I don't have a computer there.

Right now I'm fasting from television (don't ask if I've seen anything), meat (except fish), cheese (you know how I loves it) and chocolate. Needless to say, it has been a real challenge. But God has been showing me a lot. I can't wait to see what He reveals next. I'll most likely be writing about that.

But I will say this: I'm so tired of hearing that I'm old. I'm still in my TWENTIES! In my opinion, that ain't old. And I will never accept that. I look at like this. I feel like I'm still growing and learning at an amazing rate. So as long as I'm growing I won't be calling myself old.

So when I started my fast, I made the mistake of thinking all spiritually. Like I'm gonna be so much more loving! Clearly some of the first things I saw about myself were things that were so ungodly! I told my girl from church about it and she said," Well at least they're coming out."

I have this huge mirror in my living room. I started to write all those things on the mirror. One thing led to another and now my mirror is nearly full. I get the pleasure of looking at them everyday. So then I took the Word and applied scripture to everything. That in itself is a lesson. I was looking for something in my Bible and ran across this note. "The closer you get to God the more you realize your own sinfulness and unworthiness." The thing I love about God is that He rebuilds you. I'm so looking forward to what's gonna come out of this.

Watch ME

I know I haven't been too loyal to my blog. I kinda forgot about it for a while. But I'll try to do better.

What's been going on in my life? So much I may not have time to explain. But I do have a thought for now.

Being saved is like being a celebrity. Think about it. Everyone thinks they know you and they don't. Paparazzi always looking for dirt on you. If they don't find any, they make it up or go way back in the past to dig up some. Don't let you have one bad day... Oh no. Then the impression is made.

Now for the differences: Instead of rehab, we repent. We get the greatest rewards: peace, joy and righteousness. I love being saved! There's nothing like it. I've tried some things and observed others. This is where its at.

OK

I think I'm getting the hang of this.

goals, goals, goals

So in my discipleship group we've been focusing on answering God's call on our lives. Not that everyone just instantly knows what they've been called to do. Or even believe their calling. At this point we are exploring gifts, goals and interests then submitting them to God. Sounds like an air tight plan. Not as easy to execute. Fighting doubt, low self esteem and laziness every day can cause you to stay stuck. I've seen it . Its easy to be mediocre. I don't want to be that. Because its also disappointing.

Then we also expressed a fear that was common to most of us. The fear of being great. Actually accomplishing what you set out to do. I've been getting back into reading Dr. Myles Monroe's book Understanding Your Potential. He said, Failure is not in the lack of successes but rather failure is the lack of trying.

I'm not the most outgoing person. I'm not really good at networking. And I don't know that many people, but I know someone who knows everyone. I think I need to spend a little more time with Him.

I can't wait for the next Encounter.

Let's start a new trend

How bout we help each other out and stop settling for mediocrity? We seem to be afraid to reach our dreams. Make a difference in the world. Who has been telling us what we can't do. I for one am all about making others step up to their potential. I plan to lead by example.

As a person who had no ambition as a teen. I simply existed and dreamed, but never acted. I refuse to step down anymore. Anyone stepping into my life has to come up. I'm not coming down. I want more for myself than I've ever wanted. I'm taking steps to do those things.

Don't tell anybody

I'm a closet sports fan. I'll watch just about any sport on television. My favorite: basketball. I love it from an artistic point of view. I honestly think its the most graceful contact sport there is. Now I don't know anyone's stats. I won't be debating with anyone, so don't try and challenge me on my knowledge.

I do know who I like and right now, I'm all about the Celtics. Wherever Ray Allen is, I'm there. Plus you can't beat a team with Ray, Kevin Garnett, AND Paul Pierce. Oh yes, its about to go down, That game last night was freakin fabulous. I may not be able to watch them all. I get a lil outta control.

Anyway, GO CELTICS!!

Putting it all together

This a real grow up time for me. I got many issues and they seem to coming to the surface all right about now. I stay positive most of the time, oh but its gettin rough. I'll just put one of those issues out there. Trusting God. Pretty big, huh? And it seems so basic, right? But when I begin not to trust Him, I try to put things together on my own. A lil bit of a control freak am I.

I could get a job anywhere. I don't want just any job. I want the job that is going to propel me into my purpose. At this point I feel like I over stayed my time at my current job. I'm beginning to hate it. Don't wanna wake up and go there. Everyone is starting to irk me. Not a good look. Anyone who has ever looked for a job knows its a process. I've gotten calls from places where I just don't want to work. Sure its a job, but at what risk. I've been going to work and I feel like its a waste of time.

There's so much stuff I'm capable of doing. I'm looking for those open doors.

How frustrating it must be for God. Its like having to prove that your trustworthy every week to someone you love. You might just yell,"When are you finally gonna trust me?"

Just like everybody else I get discouraged sometimes as well. I really am thankful there's a Word for me when I get to church. I was starting to get overwhelmed. I'm much better now.

Ready or Not

I had an amazing experience with the Lord last night. Amazing because I hadn't felt that way in a long time. This week I have been going to prayer at my church mainly because its been available. I missed Tuesday simply because I found a big sticky stain on my shirt as I was about to get out of my car. Irrelevant maybe, but nonetheless it happened to be the end of a chaotic day anyway.

So, I got to prayer with a mission. I had to experience the presence of God. But I didn't wanna get all emotional, crying and snotting. I wanted to this very controlled and lady like. I sat there for an hour and nothing really happened. Nothing I could think of. And I felt like I was really trying to get there too. Maybe not really.

Anyway, church begins and my pastor forewarns us if we do want to experience a change, we might wanna leave the church. He goes through the message, a powerful one, then begins to pray. Oh he definitely was hearing from God. I was really trying not to be distracted, but I saw one of my friends that I'd been praying for go to the altar. Praise God! But there was some work to be done in me. I felt the power of God so strong. I had such a need to be delivered. I cried out for deliverance. I saw my other friend I'd been praying for go to the altar. Praise God. And He wasn't done with me yet. I was bent down so far I was crying UP. Even after the pastor said you are dismissed, there were still people worshiping at the altar including me. I went to hug my friend and after that went back to praising. If only we could have spent the night there.

Its so crazy that at church you can still feel the judgment so strong. People think they know whats going on because there's so much gossip. I know that people must have thought that my actions were for my friends. While I am grateful to God that they came to the altar, I'd been waiting all week to experience that level with God. I came to the realization earlier that day that just like He has a relationship with me, He has one with each of them. Though I pray for them, its not about what I do. I love them either way and so does He.

I also know that after you experience that level of worship, its hard to go home and change everything about what you'd been doing. Although you have begun a change in you, everything around you is the same. I think thats why so many people wanted to stay there. It's so much easier.

God is so worth it. I wish I could explain further. You have to know Him for yourself. I have a friend who is afraid to get close to God because he feels it means more pain in his life. We must love ourselves, but love Christ more. Thats hard for us because so long we've been fed to forget about HIM. This world is so screwed up. I think what he's looking for is a demonstration of God's power. And that is the beginning of another entry, but the end of this one.

Preparation is key

I had an interview today. The first one I was actually excited about. This morning started off in utter chaos. I had to finish my hair (which is no easy task in itself), find out where the place was and get a professional copy of my resume. I thought I would have enough time. Apparently, I didn't. I had to run up to my apartment at three times because of things I had forgotten. Let me tell you, running up and down three flights of stairs in heels is not fun. It is a good work out though.

Anyway, I get directions. I'm like 'Forget the resume, just get there'. Speed down the highway and I'm in the general area of the building, but cannot find it. You gotta know how frustrating it is to be so close, yet so far. I start praying, Lord what do I do? Do I call? I'm so late. That looks so unprofessional. Should I reschedule? Its kinda late to reschedule. I've missed it. God is taking too long to answer me. So I call Tiff. No answer. I call my mom. No answer. I call Milyaka. Straight to voicemail. So I go back to God. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

As I'm driving I hear the CD I'm listening to "He's still in control" they sing. "He's sovereign and He knows". And I'm like yeah, yeah. I know all that. But what do I do NOW? And God reminds me to trust Him. If not this interview, there will be another. Therefore, be prepared next time.

This whole episode was a very quick lesson learned. I literally just got out of the car to write this. How can you expect the blessing if you're not prepared to receive it?

Its time

So I gave my two weeks notice to my boss and I'm grateful for the peace of God in doing it. Had I stayed and continued to do well, I might have become complacent. Feels like a new chapter in my life and there's been confirmation all around. Now I can toward my ultimate goals in my life.

Praise God

Thank you DADDY for doing what you've promised you would do! I can't even explain what it means to me.

Salvation

I thank God that I'm saved and my friends should thank God as well. If it had not been for the Lord, I would be the wenchiest wench (or a Double W as coined by Tiff) that you would ever know. In addition to being a mean person, I had a foul mouth. Now to some, that may have been entertaining but to me it was exhausting. I was a mean person and never denied it. And as most know misery loves company. But I don't think Misery is as popular as people would think. Misery might love company, but who wants really wants to be around her?

As a Christian I cut out the foul mouth, but I have still have a weapon. An arsenal as a matter of fact. I tend to be right about most things. No really its true. It seems that I must let people know that too. At the time I think I'm doing them a favor. Don't you want to know whats right? In the end, I get satisfaction from knowing I was right. What does that make me? Self- righteous? Ewwww. That is not sexy.

I'm skimming through this book I picked up in the library. The Power of Purpose: Living well by doing good. Just by the title I know its gotta be Biblical. And it is, but not overtly. The way of the world is to take Biblical principals, yet don't give God the credit. Anyway, the part that caught my attention is a chapter called Winning the War. "The feeling of power that comes from making a clever, cutting remark or proving yourself smarter than someone else is a petty victory." Ouch. I felt that.

I've been praying about being judgmental because clearly I can be. I don't want to be right with the risk of pushing others away. And I have learned it doesn't really matter if you were right or not, people do what they want anyway. There's really no need it making them feel small after they realize they've made a bad decision. What if you were just supportive in the end once they've finally come to themselves? They wouldn't resent you for looking down at them, but thank you for being there.

Erykah Badu said in a magazine,"Being humble is so 2007." Humility may be out of style, but its definitely a necessity.

how's it goin?

So how's the new place? How you like the apartment? All questions I've been asked. I mean there's not too much there. It's quiet and I mean that in a good way. I can't wait until I get some furniture. I've been asked what I need. Y'all know I love lists so I told em. I've never lived alone before. It's very strange. I feel like its something that I need to do. Maybe I'm not as independent as I thought. Then I started to think, is this the way it will be forever? I'm jumping the gun, I know. And I've only been there a couple weeks. So now its furniture time.

I'm tired of sleeping on the floor. Its too hard to get outta bed when bed is on the floor. Its like climbing upward which takes more energy than swinging your legs over. You're already halfway standing up. Furniture is coming in two days.

Plus, I've had all this crap going on with my phone. Haven't been able to call anyone. Great introspective time. Now I'm ready for my phone back. I'm just wondering what my voicemail has on it. Can't wait to listen to messages from a month ago.... and erase them.

My niece wrote me a letter. She's only 3, so it was one SHE had to read to ME. It said, "Kita Come home, I love you." Then a couple hours later it said, "Kita Stay with me, I love you very much. " Touched me wayyy deep in my heart. I love my baby, but I gotta grow up and I HAD to get out.

Speaking of growing up......HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!

Those leeches again

I have a lil cousin who likes to tell me about her day to day life. I appreciate being the big cousin that she feels she can talk to, but at the same time its all so immature. I realize that I am definitely in a different generation. I know she's a kid and they do immature things, but I just wanna say, "Grow up!!" Maybe I expect more from her and I shouldn't. I don't know what its like to go to high school these days. I don't know the pressure she's under. But what I want to do is help her see the bigger picture. Life is bigger than high school. Guys, I know she's not my age. That doesn't change the fact that childish ways irk me. Especially from people who want to say, 'I'm grown'.

I've always felt this burden when people want to tell you about their lives and problems. What do you do? Do you let them make their own mistakes and say nothing? Do you give advice and watch them make the mistake anyway? Sometimes I feel its better to say nothing because at least you don't have to say 'I told you so' at the end of it all. Its better for me anyway. But sometimes I can't help it.

I try to drill into her, learn from my mistakes!! Don't make stupid choices!! The reason I feel like she's in my life right now is because we are so similar and she may be one of the reasons that I have to be in OK right now. I guess I have to get over the immaturity.

Also on my mind about kids, when does it start being OK for people to stop doing the things they were taught as kids? In my friends' class someone asked is it OK for us to call someone a derogatory term if its true? NO! People don't know that its not a good idea to insult someone. Yet we tell our kids, don't say mean things. There are words that adults use that seem fine but if your 3-year-old repeats them, they might just get beat. I believe everything starts with the parents. I'm scared for this next generation with all these babies having babies, they haven't fully developed themselves. And everyone is getting knocked up these days!

What can you do?

Well I call myself trying to honor my word by going to this wedding of a high school friend and I ended up getting lost twice and losing my cell phone. I am about tired of my cell phone provider anyway, so I think I'll cancel it all together. But in the meantime until I can get a new phone, I'll be without one. That should be interesting. Also I may have to change my phone number which I've been trying to avoid. I liked having my lil piece of VA. Perhaps its all for the best. Lord, knows I never could bring myself to erase anyone's number. It was full of numbers that would never call me and I would never call them. I'm sure I'll recover the ones that count and there's always the internet.

On top of all that, I've been attempting to move over the weekend. Getting rid of some of the clutter at my moms. Eventually, I'll be moving the big stuff. And you know when that refund check rolls in I'll get my bedroom set.

Right now I'm not really trippin. If you really gotta get me, you know how.

Sweet freedom

Folks, I'm finally getting out. I've been planning on moving away from my family since I got here two years ago and its finally happening. Granted, I'm moving just down the street, but its more space and its mine. I finally get to see what kind of budget I'm really working with.

I have to admit I'm kinda nervous about living by myself. I've never done it before. Even in the dorm there were people just down the hall if you got the urge to chat. At least if and when my friends plan to visit I'll have a place for them to stay. And I'm so excited about decorating the whole place. Find out what my decorating style actually is.

unofficial wedding crashers

So this year, I find myself invited to at least four weddings. And where I go, my crew goes. I think we're gonna start an album. Because at least we always look fabulous and its an actual occasion to look fabulous.

I'm learning

Two things that might help me be on time:
Realizing that it now takes me longer than 30 min to get ready.
Realizing that not everywhere I go only takes 15 min of travel time.

staying on course

As much as I try to keep from talking about work on here, my life lately has been nothing but. It's all because our regional manager was coming to visit. On Sunday I was at work until 3am waiting for the people to finish cleaning the floors then had to get up and go to a meeting at 7am. Yes, 7am. On my day off. Not only that, but my co-worker calls and tells me I need to come in at 9pm to start preparing for the visit. That doesn't end till 5am and I have to be there at 7am again! Yes, 7am. When I got home, I collasped in the bed which resulted in this 3am post. I have no doubt that I'll fall asleep again. Hopefully I wake up in time to watch One Tree Hill. Thankfully, my boss switched off days with me and I'm off today. Which also means that I get to go to church today! I'm excited.

on the bright side?

Whereas the last year or so has been like a drought of men in my life. No men whatsoever. Now I'm getting approached by men that are not even my type. I'm talking short men, possibly gay men. Could this be a good thing? Perhaps God is showing me this is definitely NOT what you want.

How do you answer the question, What kind of guys do you like? Well that was kinda hard for me because I haven't talked to I guy I liked in a long time. And perhaps that needs to be revised to the right kind of man I should like. Not physically, but personality wise.

Tiff was going through her loooong list of pet peeves or things that she did not want in a man. What about you? she asked. I mean good hygiene is a given. As far as physical, taller than me in heels and handsome. Fashion: someone who has his own sense of style. Quirky or preppy, I don't really care. I do love a fresh hair cut. Pet peeve of mine: pet names (sweetheart, baby, boo). Especially if they start too early. Ew. The ultimate sale, someone who I can talk to, hold a conversation with, feel an instant chemistry.

And here's the irony of it all. With all this talk of meeting someone, I don't really care to meet anyone. I don't need any excuse to stay here longer than I have to. So what's all this about? Nothing, just writing...

how can I respect you?

Most would say respect has to be earned. But I think thats because we don't respect each other in the first place.

Tiff quote: They were talking to their, what do you call that spousal group? Oh yeah, parents.

Lately I live at work. I've worked 33 hours this week already and I still have two more days of work to go. Do the math. Thats called a fat check and an exhausted me.

On kinda the same note, I've been feeling strongly the need to pray for my place of employment. Its a strong attack against that place. I was on my way to work one day and found myself deeply stressed and aggravated. It's trying to take over my life. I was mainly upset that I haven't been able to go to church either because I'm at work or too tired to go. I hate being a zombie in church. I'd rather be at home than be in church physically but not mentally. So on my way to work I started to have a pity party for myself and the tears came to the edge of my lashes. Then I felt like the spirit of the Lord was telling me to suck it up and I did. Just like that. I surprised myself. It was sorta like when your parents would tell you,"Quit that crying and fix your attitude before you walk up in there." In that split second He showed me that I'm an example for my employees and a reflection of Him. So I fixed my attitude. Little did I know I was walking into breakdown central and needed to be the tower of strength, so to speak. Praise God for a voice of reason and a relationship or I'd be leading breakdown central with the biggest, stankiest attitude of them all and breakdown of my own to maintain.

Today however was almost the straw to break the camel's back. As soon as I walked in, disaster after disaster. One client commented to me,"Well things can't get any worse." I smiled and said, "Let's hope not." So now do I just expect disaster and roll with it or do I work to find out how to minimize it? Maybe a little bit of both.

Just the start...

Well I have been one busy diva! Just got back from Houston this week for a store opening. It was so much fun. The company you're with can make or break a trip. Thankfull,y I was with a group of girls who were all jokes. Kept things from getting too stressful. And I'm all about taking trips away from my job. It starts to get so monotonous.

Anyway, on to deeper subjects. I often fall asleep thinking of really deep stuff which sometimes leads to me not being able to sleep till later. I've been reading this book called A Heart Ablaze. I got the book because my Twelve is watching the dvd series and I couldn't get to all the meetings. It's mad deep. It focuses on having a heart on fire for God. Well I was like, I definitely want that. One of the things he said was, "God did not put Adam in the garden to have a worldwide ministry." He was there to walk with God in the cool of the day. We were created to have an intimate relationship with God. And it gets deeper, trust me.

So this leads me to night waking thoughts. What is it really to be lukewarm? Am I lukewarm? God hates lukewarm more than anything. He said, I'd rather you be hot or cold. Better you be cold and know it than think you're hot and not be. Or be pretending to be all about Him and you're not. I constantly check myself or get checked. And its hard getting checked. Kind of a shock to your self esteem. I've found myself have to be built back up by God. It's worth it.

Suffering

This question was in my mind as I lay down to sleep last night. When is the right time to choose suffering? Jesus had a choice to be delivered from the cross. He could have just thought of some other way to bring awareness about God. He didn't even want to die. But it had to happen to make atonement for our sin.

In my life I've had several instances where I could have taken the easy road or taken a much more uncomfortable road. I, of course, took the easy road. Who paid for my choice? Who was NOT changed because I didn't want to be uncomfortable?

This is a question for God, but if you have any scriptural basis or any thoughts please post them.

Let's get real

So at this point, I have no reason not to be completely one hundred with my audience. You have seen me at some really low points. And if you haven't just go through the archives, I haven't erased anything. I feel the urge to fully express myself but with respect to those involved I'll try and keep some things private.

When I came back to OK after school I had every intention of "getting right" with the Lord. For one reason I felt there were no distractions here for me. And even more than equipping me with a church that would teach me how connect with God, He gave me what I felt was a team. Support to walk this thing out, which is something I felt like I didn't have while I was in school. Thus the reason I blamed my blacksliding on.

And where I am almost two years later, I no longer have that team. I think I threw a pity party for myself for about two weeks. Then I really started to pray. My whole concern is what in the world allows justification for back sliding when you have a church and support to help you walk out your salvation? Well, if I don't know anything else I now know that it is a personal decision to follow God. And we make that decision everyday. It's easier than you think to fall off. I think its like being always being in a crowd of people and still feeling lonely. If you don't have that personal relationship with God, which means allowing Him to be God, then you don't know you have someone who always with you. If nothing else, losing my team has taught me that at the beginning and end of the day I have to know that God is there and not to depend on people to keep me saved. Only I affect my walk with the Lord.

The reason I backslid two years ago was not because I didn't have support. (Well thats not the only reason) It's mostly because there was something I wanted to experience and I didn't realize at the time that it wasn't worth the experience. Although it would have been great to have the resources that I have today and had when I actually decided to follow Christ, if I didn't make the decision then that I was going to follow Him no matter what, it wouldn't have made a difference.

So to my sisters, its not that I don't miss you or love you that I'm not around as much. And to tell you the truth it has very little to do with your extra-curricular activities. I don't even really know what you're doing these days and vice versa. I'm not worried about being brought down, I want to be built up. I make no apologies for my decision. I could have continued to just sit and shake my head at you, but I was not helping you. You may not understand it, but I don't understand yours either. No matter what I'm still on your team, your support for the right things. And although I'd rather there not be any friction between us, it seems to be inevitable because we disagree on a deeper level. And we could hang out, but it wouldn't make sense. Even if you see it as being selfish, what better reason to be selfish about than who you're in covenant with? Just so you know I'm not looking for any new best friends, you guys are truly irreplaceble. There are no words for how I feel for the two of you. And if I have to be alone right now, it's cool for me. I take for granted nothing that we all shared and I still believe we have untapped levels to discover together. I think this separation is to teach each one of us something and for me its not to forget my most important relationship is with Him. I pray that it is only for a short season that we are not together.

Start again

Perhaps if we begin to think of every birthday as a new beginning and not the end of an era, it might inspire us to do new things. My birthday is a few months off, I can't wait to see what the 25th will bring. What new things will start to sprout up in my life? I have started thinking about the next step in my life. Something completely different than what I've done before. It's an exciting time.

I've started thinking about grad school or maybe even art school. Maybe starting over in a new city, which actually doesn't excite me all that much. Not as much as it did when I first left for college. I'm not as eager to meet new people, but I realize that is inevitable. I am giving myself six months to settle into the idea. And all of this is null and void if the Lord sets me in another direction.

I've noticed how much of a distraction my television is and therefore I am turning it off more than I am turning it on. Lucky for you guys that means more blog time! YAY! I'll keep you abreast of any developments.

Life as it is

My mind went back to a list that my spiritual mom had us write out in Bible study one night. I believe it was family and friends who needed to be saved. Well I saw my Dad tonight and he told me he went to church on Sunday. When he told me what the message was and that he realized he needed a change I was just praising God on the inside. Seeing people actually start to see Him is a wonderful and beautiful thing.


On a random note: I just wonder how it would affect society if as adults we were allowed to have recess as a part of the work day. Just to have half an hour to go out on the swings or get on the merry go round. To actually see people let loose. I think it'd be awesome.

random thoughts

These "models" online who have professional pictures online. Who are they modeling for? Do they have an agency? Are they getting paid for these pics? What would Tyra say? Looks like an excuse to get oiled up and take off their clothes to me.

Dag it sucks that I can't remember some of my 'friends' on facebook and myspace. Nope not even a remnant of a memory.

I gotta get a better job so I can travel more....

What did that dream mean last night. I had a great car in it though. Tv's in the doors.

It's funny how some people just seem to pop back into your life right on time. Like now.... I was just expecting to hear from you.


Why have I not moved from this spot in three hours? OK OK I'm going....
I keep hearing songs from freshman year. Makes me miss the dorms and those lock-ins at Student Center. The most awesome year ever. 2001!

Beautiful day wasted resting

Well today was my one day off. Unfortunately I spent it sleeping and semi watching television in and out of consciousness. It seems that I may have caught something. I thought it might have been allergies or lack of sleep or maybe a combo. So I've been kinda drugged up all week. Taking Sudafed, Claritin, Theraflu and Advil. I hate being sick. But I need to get better by tomorrow because I have to work.

This girl at my job went to the hospital for dehydration and probably exhaustion as well. I think I know how she feels. Earlier in the week I felt like my body turned on my from lack of sleep/coffee/lack of food combination. The job ain't worth it y'all. No job is. I'll no longer be sick from over working myself or worrying. I've been meditating on that verse Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious for anything but by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I really like that. Peace guarding my heart and my mind.

Buy me a drank?

As much as I hate T-Pain's music if the title fits, wear it!


I was awakened this morning by a question. Three actually. Then I went back to sleep. Then I was awakened again with a task. Now that I actually had to get up and complete that task, I'm back to at least offer some thought to the first question. Can there be such a thing as a Christian owned liquor store? It wasn't my question people, but I'm gonna attempt to answer. Well to tell you the truth, if there are any they aren't using that as a selling point. And it would either be a very popular store for all the Christians who felt any conviction for going to the liquor store in the first place or not successful at all because people feel convicted just by going in. Can you imagine walking in and hearing, "We fall down, but we get up."?

Now as drinkers love to point out the Bible says nothing about drinking being wrong only getting drunk. At the time it was customary to have wine with meals. They didn't have soda, purified water or artificial fruit juices. Nor any way store juice. If they did make juice it probably got fermented and ended up as wine anyway.

My thing about drinking was always this. I never really liked the taste of alcohol. Which is why I drank hard liquor. After awhile you can't even taste it. Even those lil fruity mixed drinks theres a trace of the alcohol taste. Gotta drink a couple to not get any taste. But the real kicker is those that you can't even taste the alcohol. They get you drunk before you finish the bad boy. Now when I even get a lil buzzed, it don't feel right. I'm not saying I felt this way earlier this year or even a month ago. Because I missed the taste of something I didn't even like in the first place I tried wines thinking it wasn't gonna be that bad. It wasn't even worth it! They all taste the same to me! I don't get it.

Anyway, for me the point of drinking was always to get drunk. I still feel that way. What's the point of drinking at all if you ain't gone get buzzed. Its a tease. And me, I'm all or nothing. So I choose nothing. It's not a good look. And I'm not sure it would be for Christian liquor store, but thats me. The could justify that they're just getting all the riches from the wicked thats stored for the righteous. You know thats in the Bible.

And the answer to the second and third questions:

Sponges firstly came from simple sea animals called poriferans, which are macerated to leave the squishy "skeletal" inside, which is full of tiny, water-holding pockets. The softness of natural sponges varies with the species. Synthetic sponges were later developed out of man-made materials, were able to hold slightly more water, and could be produced in more uniform shapes and sizes. Synthetic sponges and natural sponges are both prone to collect bacteria, but some man-made sponges are designed to be more resistant. Like the loofah, it is best to machine wash a sponge about once a week.

The nylon mesh sponge, or "pouf", is made from a nylon net bunched together into a ball. Its recent popularity can be linked to its being both gentle on the skin but abrasive enough for good lathering; and because there are no hidden chambers, the life of the shower pouf is lengthened, since it doesn`t fall prey to grime as easily as other sponges.

Happy Birthday to me !!

Well not exactly, but it is my half-birthday. In exactly six months I will be 25 years old. So I think its an appropiate time to reflect on the first sixteenth of my life. To tell you the truth, it coulda been better. Its my own fault though. But you better believe the next five years are gone be off the hook. The most fabulous five consecutive years of my life to date. And its only gonna get better from there. Done with the boys (boys not men), done with the hang- overs, done with teen/early twenties drama. If I ever really thought I was grown before.....No this is real grown. I can actually rent a car on my own. Car insurance goes down! Businesses actually consider me responsible enough not to charge me an arm and a leg to cover themselves.

I got goals people and if I keep putting them off I'll be trying to do them in between kids. I've already seen that does not work. Procrastination is over!!! Good-bye to you! Yeah I expect you to watch me. I may have some things go on. As I said everybody goes through stuff. But I'm strong, I'll come out rejuvenated. I know who God is! I'm getting excited.

Has anybody seen this whole automatic bank Monopoly? How lazy are we people? Can we even count our Monopoly money anymore? Thats why people like me can't even do simple math. Then again maybe it will make the game go faster. You know Monopoly takes days to finish.

The Holy Spirit will tell on you

Yes, the Holy Spirit is a tattle-tell. And He don't just go and tell everybody, only the responsible ones who will pray for you. In short, Sarah doesn't know anything (in detail). Mil didn't even tell her. The Holy Spirit told her and you confirmed it.

I remember when I was going through my craziness. I remember now how my best friend backed way up from my life. At the time I hardly even realized that she was gone because I was caught up in my mess. Even when she tried to help me, in her way, it didn't work. She wasn't even equipped to handle what I was going through. No one around me was. Eventually, I stopped being hard headed and listened to what God was trying to teach me. And He had to be the one to teach me. Took a whole year and a whole lotta heartbreak just come back to Him. Then it took a whole nother year to learn how to heal. Now I'm finally in the growth process.

All people go through things, should I be sympathetic? Yes probably. I can see now that some are not as strong as others and one of three things happens. Seek ways of escape to forget what your going through like I did and end up just as weak. End up going through the same things and get frustrated and you're still weak. Come out of the situation and learn from it, get stronger and go through something else to strengthen another weak area.

The devil will always make a fool out of you. He don't like you and he's better at the sin game. The only way to win is not to play. You end up in the same situation that brought you to the altar the first time or worse.

Even though my best friend took a major break from me, she was always there. And she still loved me even though I know she got mad frustrated at my stupidity. To this day, she's still there even long distance. I'm learning how to not be there and be there at the same time. Always loving, always praying and still here.

Has anybody seen this guy?

Tiff and I trying to find a friend from school. We had another life in Hampton. He was one of the guys we said could be involved in our threesome if that ever happened. For some reason guys always wanted to have threesomes with us. I mean it was never a possibility, but it were we joked he would be one of em. We've got several leads. Tiff found a his phone number in her basement. I called, but no luck. A couple years ago we thought of putting out an Amber alert for him. Can you do that for a grown man?

Just so you know, the threesome thing is not the reason why we want to find him. He's a really cool guy and somebody we lost contact with and never heard from again. Get your mind out of the gutter!

I met him three times. I think the third time it stuck because I was making out with his roomate at the time. He used to smoke. A LOT. He had class with Tiff so it probaly took the first week for him to remember her. Its possible he may have forgotten us both by now.

I try keep up with people but I feel like I'm the worst at it. I'm ok with asking friends of friends how people are doing. As long as they are still alive, its cool with me. Who really wants to have the catch up convo? It takes too much time.

Homecoming should be interesting. I'm definitely going this year. I already talked to my boss about it. I better hop on that plane ticket so she can't renig. Lots of people I haven't seen in awhile. Maybe we'll find that old friend. But I haven't even thought about the people I don't really want to see. Oh well. I'm actually gonna go. Cole you coming? I hate to leave Brit behind! Darn that nursing school! Perhaps she could be sick for a weekend.......If not we'll go back in the spring.

I'm about to shine

So this is my day off. I worked about 14 hrs yesterday getting ready for a visit from our district manager. Since I've been promoted, I felt it was my responsibility to not leave the store a complete wreck. So I'm recooperating from it all and trying to take care of the stuff you don't have time for after work. Making sure the car note was paid. Check. Cancelling some whack benefit I found on my account that I did not authorize. Check. Cancelling another needless charge. Check. It's crazy how they try and make you feel guilty about how you spend YOUR money. Plus tell me why all customer service people are foreigners? I can't understand them and they can't understand me. It's a conspiracy I tell you.

So this week I had to teach at my discipleship group's meeting. Last week with the news of one of my favorite's evangelists being physically abused by her husband, I started to think about how we tend to label people from what we know about them. Her husband, a bishop and pastor, is now labeled as a 'wife beater'. Yes, he broke the law and that will be taken care of accordingly. What we as Christians and people tend to do is put people in a certain category and when they do things outside of that we condemn them. Trust me I do this a lot. My point is we shouldn't. Not with celebrities, leaders or people we don't know. I had this thing against Angelina Jolie. I didn't like her because I felt she stole Jennifer's husband. I did like her movies before this whole thing. I don't know any of them people. And my job is not to judge her, its to love her anyway. How often do you label people you know for real? Even if one of my best friend or mother beat someone to death, I wouldn't label them 'murderer'. Nor should we place anyone on a pedastal. Psalms 146:3-5 says:

3 Do not put your trust in princes,
in mortal men, who cannot save.
4 When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;
on that very day their plans come to nothing.
5 Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the LORD his God

Then we put ourselves in place of judgement and that is not our place. We also start gossiping and calling it news. Because of the what the media calls news, its gets confusing. Imagine if King David was up in this today. He'd be labeled an adulterer. Or Paul would just be a murderer. He'd be a Hitler. He was Hilter before Hitler. God uses us in spite of our stupidity and makes us great.

On another note I try not to be a gossip. But its so hard. Its like you find out stuff and there are people you tell everything. How do you distinguish telling friends about your day and gossip? Well this is how you know: if its not going to help you or the hearer, if you wouldn't say it to that person's face or its to hurt the person its about then its gossip.

I'll leave you with this quote from Tiff:

"Stop the nappy mohawks! Whoever started this needs to stop!!"

As I continue...

So I'm struggling to find worthy content to write about. What's on my mind right now? I really need to find something to teach on Sunday and I don't want it to be whack. I really have to depend on the Lord for this because I don't want it to be from me either. What else? I just got promoted and I'm pretty much doing the job I did before I went full time BUT with a great raise. I want to do a good job and learn more than I did before. I want to milk this job for all its worth. Yes....get all I can get.

I'm ready to move out emotionally, but not quite financially. It's gonna be another month before I can actually bust out this joint.

Oh yes, finding a balance of time, spiritually and healthy living. I haven't gotten that together yet.

So, hopefully you're doing better than I am. But that's life I guess.

Wife em up

This one here's for my girl Cole who's sitting at work with nothing to do but wait for my blog to come back into circulation.

I've been thinking this over for a while. ever since my girl Tiff sent me a convo between her and my big bro from college.

Him: our promise back at Hampton if we are still single at 30 we gettin married. :-)

Tiff: U said Kita, not me..."Kita's wife material".. "Kita would make a good wife"lol..

Him:well she also lives over 500 miles away. I'm just thinking rational here, work with me now.

Cracked me up. Then she told me how there were others saying I was wife material. I wonder what wifely qualities they saw in me at college. Was it the way I dropped it like it was hot at the parties? Was it how I didn't speak? Or maybe it was the way I was loyal to those who had minimal interest in me.

Yeah I don't know what it could have been. But somehow it must be unattractive to be considered wife material these days. Clearly I'm still in a waiting phase. I, like majority of women wanted to be married by 25. And with my birthday a little over 6 months away, it doesn't seem like its gonna happen right away. Unless I meet him tommorow.... It could happen people have some faith! Faith is the substance of things hoped for and evidence of things not seen. I'm definitely hoping and not seeing... yet.

It's no one's fault. Ok... I'll take a lil blame. I could be nicer to men in general. But I refuse to lower my standards.

In the meantime, while I'm supposedly waiting, I'll get busy. I ain't got nothing else to do. How bout I build my credit? Go on a real vacation? Chill. Get some patience.

I rather not talk about being single all the time, but there's no way to avoid it. I think I shall be an open book with nothing to hide. Send me all your single, saved woman inquiries. How am I making it? Just like an alcoholic in rehab... one day at a time.

Yes I know, I'm a random blogger. I'd probably frustrate my loyal readers if I had any. What can I say? I write when I have the time and when I feel it.

I'm getting to the point where God is motivating me to get off my butt and do what I said I wanted to do. I'm focused! Every spare moment is dedicated to research. And as I start to write things down I can see it more. But of course right now I am sittin on my butt.

I gotta go. I hate doin these lil substitute posts. I'll holla at y'all.

Yeah, so?

Yes, I am writing my blog instead of being at church. I got off work half an hour before service starts and I hate to be late to church. This past month has been a blur full of events. I'm praying for my church. Even though I love my church and how it has helped me grow in the past year, there's a shifting going on. I'm just praying that the Lord shows me where I'm supposed to be in the middle of all of this. Actually, He has shown me. I'm supposed to be praying. So what's keeping me? Yeah, that's still the matter at hand. I'm an all or nothing gal. I hate half doing stuff. Rather than do that, I won't do at all.

So, I'm writing it down and maybe it will force me to step my game up. But as far as our college ministry is going, I praise God for what he has done through us. Even though it took sooo much for us to be obedient, from leadership on down. I'm just not sure if its the place for me right now. I'm still seeking God about it. And because I don't know, I don't even wanna sit in the meetings. However, I'm tired of people asking me if everything is OK. No, I'm not out at the club just because I didn't show up to practice. I'm fine, trust. That doesn't mean that I want to tell all y'all my business either. I don't have any business really. Life is pretty simple really. God, friends and work. That's about it.

What's causing so much controversy is that all of my friends have quit and now their waiting on me to follow suit. Now, I'm no follower and I just don't wanna quit which might just be rebellion on my part. I keep thinking perhaps I'm supposed to be there, but I can't even bring myself to go.

Hard as nails

I am really thankful for the Holy Spirit. If it weren't for Him I would be an absolute wench and not care! Because some people need to hear it the hard way and some don't. Sometimes I would feel like if you don't wanna hear the truth, don't ask me. And if you ain't ask I ain't say nothing. But if you DO ask, brace yourself. Once I give it to you, I'm not taking it back.

I had a moment where I may have potentially hurt someone's feelings. Even afterward there was no regret, but I did repent to the Lord. And I asked the Holy Spirit, "Why did I repent? I'm not sorry." So He broke it down for me. Its not what you said, its how you said it and where. It definitely was not said out of love, it was out of frustration. Thank you Holy Spirit.

I would never have apologized. I woulda been like,"Well they just need to get over it." But only because of God did I say I was sorry to that person. I still have a ways to go. But I'm glad I asked God for conviction and advice. I feel much better now.

But for the most part I really don't care what people think about me. I know what God thinks about me and I know I'm awesome. He has instilled a confidence in me that is growing all the time. Do you know how it feels to be completely secure? Its outrageous. Like I said, I still have a ways to go, but its cool. I love being obedient to the Lord. Its really rewarding.

How do I do that?

What do you do when a friend of yours just starts trippin out? Stops answering the phone. Extremely attitudinal. What do you do if this is a friend you haven't known for long? And you don't know their habits? I mean, what I wanna do is hit her upside the head. I asked God what I should do and He said 'Love her'. I was like, OK, but how do I do that?

So, I called her on Tuesday. No answer. Apparently she is answering her phone now, but I don't know what I might say. So I'm not gonna call. I'ma wait till I see her and hope I've calmed down enough not to blow up. I'm praying constantly.

I got this revelation a couple months ago. Nothing in life is personal. The Bible says, For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places Eph 6:12. So basically, the things that happen to you and me have nothing to do with us. It has to do with that spiritual wickedness in the world.

So in keeping with that, I know its not personal. But because I have emotions, it hurts my feelings a lil and that's not easy to do.

The big 2-4

Oh my goodness. I had the best birthday weekend ever!!

Started on Friday when my girls picked me up from work and took me shopping! All I really wanted for my birthday was not to be bothered. Last year I ended up baby-sitting and running around for others. My birthday was basically stolen from me. I took it back this year.

Saturday, I got my hair done (which took most of the day) and we had a candle light ceremony of friendship and I gave my girls lock and key necklaces. I always lost my keys, actually I lose almost everything, so it was a lil inside joke for us. I just told everyone else we got the keys to the Kingdom.

Sunday, my actual birthday, we went to church had a wonderful service. I know I looked fabulous. I got this black dress and wore my hot pink shoes. Great outfit. Anyway afterward, we went to eat and then to the mall. I don't think I've ever had an experience like this in my life. First of all, we only went in for one thing. It was five of us. We walked in like we owned the mall and from the moment we stepped in the door heads were turning. It was sooo crazy. I remember going down the escalator and passing this guy. His eyes and mouth wide open, going from top to bottom saying, "Oh..my.. God".

Yeah that's fabulous.

I just had a really great, awesome weekend.

Exposure brings empowerment

So yeah we had our college Encounter about a week ago. It really awesome and amazingly easy this time. So much more than the last one because God really handled everything. One thing that I got from this Encounter for myself was security. True security. I felt like God was really residing with me the whole time. I really prepared spiritually for this Encounter and it paid off. I saw some gifts manifest in a way that blew me away. And I felt a real connection to the girls in my small group.

One of my friends came and I was really glad to see her. I didn't know how she would react this Encounter, but I had to let God handle it. At first, I knew I hadn't completely given it to God because I was always checking up on her like she was my child. Making sure she was socializing, eating, stuff like that. And then I realized I was starting to take it personally because she wasn't responding in the way that most of the others were responding. Good or bad. So God had to take a sidebar with me. He said, "She's not rejecting you, she's rejecting me. I'll handle this." So I took my hands off of it. When I felt led I talked to her about it. There's a process He takes us through for us to know He's really real and I believe this was the beginning for her.

Lots of things going on. I'm trying to stay consistent as a leader, in life and at work. Time to re-evaluate. Just started taking some classes. A solo vocalist class and a drawing class. I just found out that my teacher worked with Lauryn Hill! L-Boogie! I just saw Dave Chappelle's Block Party and we were all talking about how effortless she made it seem. I'm pumped about it, but its also one more responsibility to add to the pile of stuff I have to do. The drawing class feels like a refresher course. I sorta wish I had taken the digital art class. Maybe next time.

It's pressing time. I feel like lemon getting squeezed. It's tight but its RIGHT!

Aw shucks!

The diva's got hi-speed internet! Now I can't be stopped!!!!! Yeah, let's just see how much time I have to put some thoughts into my blogs. Then Cole can become a fan again.

It's crazy yo!

I've been on a mad long hiatus. I know, I know you missed me. Those of you who still check in on me. Part of the reason is I still have a crappy computer. Partly because I don't have time and finally partly because my mind has been on hiatus. But to update, life is moving. I don't feel stagnate at all. I feel like I am going somewhere and I'm focused.

There are many issues that my friends and I talk about daily. Mainly God and relationships. God is my number one. I mean I have experienced a level with God that I have never been in. I was listening to my friend and she was like, "I would have never thought I'd be this involved in church a year ago. When I started goin to church I made the commitment that I would go EVERY Sunday and maybe some Wednesdays. You know, I was gonna be a great mediocre Christian." And its funny now because we are at church at least 3 times a week. AT LEAST. And we love it!

And people get so caught up in being mediocre Christians because they don't feel like they need to be involved. Like thats only for some people. No! It's vital to living everyday. I ain't mean to come back on here and start preaching. But that's whatsup. God is so many things. So many things! I have realized what is really, really important to me.

So yes, this week we have the Encounter coming up and I'm really excited. It's never what you expect. I love suprises!

I'm starting to draw again, write again. In a couple weeks I be starting this Art program at my church, drawing and singing. Just digging into my gifts and not sitting on them.

Praying about this training program in the summer. It's to be a buyer for a company. That would be the hottest job and I'm perfect for it! So if God gives me the thumbs up to go. I'm out! I pray that I'm prepared to go (mentally, spiritually, and professionally) and that I am able to find a church.

I got many more opinions to share. More thoughts to give. More love to post. But this is my first entry in.....forever. So hopefully I won't stay away too long again.

Its like you don't even realize

so yeah I've been so out of it lately that I didn't even realize how boomin my social life has been.

And I mean doing things that have nothing to do with work or church. Saw a lotta great movies: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (don't sleep on it), Mission Impossible 3, Lucky Number Slevin, and that Narnia movie (great movie). Plus I got to see that movie The Holiday with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet. It was sooo good.

We got like a 11 inches of snow last week. Yes here in Oklahoma. It was crazy. I got snowed in at Cole's for a couple days. Then when we dug her mom out, they dug me out too. My neighbor made an 8 foot tall snowman.

Oh yeah I played this game with my sister and her friends called Imagine If. Interesting game. You write people down on this board then roll the dice to see who you'll land on. They give scenarios for you to put those people in and then all the players guess what they would do in that situation. The most popular answer wins. So even if you its you, you can't think about what you would do in that situation. You have to think about what everyone ELSE thinks you would do in that situation.

It's so good just to spend time with friends. Even if its just a couple hours at a time because usually thats all I have to give.

I got the next couple days off and I'm trying to see if I can get Saturday off too. I gotta be somewhere else and I paid money to be there. I just forgot to request off....Eh hopefully it will work out.

ok....

So we had a guest speaker at church yesterday. Her word was definitely on time. I'm still trying to digest it as I write. Work has got me so out of it that its hard to concentrate on anything else. But what she preached was that the struggle we have with God is between our desires and will against God's desires and will. There's only one winner and guess what? It ain't you. I mean you can get what you want and you can do what you want. But what you'll find out is its temporary happiness and most of the time its not really what you wanted anyway.

This is the reason I don't write so much anymore, its so hard to put this into words.

I want to explain what's going on in my life without it being confusing or deterring people away from God.

Truth is, its really hard living this life. Like really hard. But ain't nothing else out there. Every single day is a fight.

I guess my problem is that I thought I was further along in my walk than I actually am. And I have all the tools to go further but am I willing to sacrifice everything? And after the Encounter God showed me some things that I'm still struggling with. That is what is hindering me. The stuff that I'm struggling with and don't want to let go of.

In church, she said its always the stuff you love that you don't wanna let go of. Which do I love more? My stuff or God? Should be an easy answer right? Not so much. Clearly my actions are showing differently.

Christ's principles are so oxymoronish (i know that's not a word). I mean to gain ever lasting life, you give up your life to serve others. That's hard! We look at people all over the world who are giving up everything to focus on God and I can't give up TV for a week. I mean I can but I don't want to. And people make it sound so easy.

Perhaps its that I can't see the reward. But even if God showed me my reward, I probably still wouldn't be able to do what I need to do. Only until I am ready to risk it all will I be able to sacrifice for real.

I have to end with this: it's not easy, but its WORTH it. Because I don't feel like I'm dying inside. And the peace....I mean really not having to worry at all, its like nothing else.

Sometimes I just wanna shut everyone out and get to business. ME AND YOU GOD THAT'S IT. But that's not realistic. Plus I don't wanna spend my life alone. And God is not asking me to. Just enough time for Him to give me what I need, so that I don't feel like its so hard.

This is REAL!

I should never doubt that God hears me, but I do. Yesterday at church was just evidence that He definitely does hear me. And trust me, if He hears me He hears you too. My Nicole and I were just talking about our current status. We felt like the fire was gone out our walk with God. It felt like I couldn't go back to what I used to do but how do I go forward. It was really frustrating to the point where I just wanted to be like forget it.

I didn't want to go to church yesterday. I'd had a bad night altogether. I get really cranky when I don't get sleep. I have to pray about my husband because if I sleep near someone who snores I start thinking violent thoughts. I have never acted on them, but I do think them. Anyway, I was way sluggish, didn't wanna go. My friends and I sat way in the back being cynical about everything. Then my Bishop began his sermon. "Have you ever needed a 'right now' miracle?" Yes, I need one now. I'm paraphrasing here but he was basically talking about how we are so used to 'waiting for our miracle' that sometimes we need to get down right demanding and say, 'God I need my miracle now!'.

There are times in the Bible where people said to God, I really need you to show up now. And their faith is so in it that He does. Its a desperate time. I'm tired of being stuck in the middele. A new year is coming and we only have 44 days until the end of this one. He wrapped it up by saying we need to pray God's plan. Whatever he promised you is what you pray. Well if you say 'God has never spoken to me', sit and think for awhile, it will come to you. Sometimes He speaks through others. We really have to take the time and listen. Life gets way too busy. I'm taking the time to listen to God.

Where to begin?

So this is sort of a continuation of what I was talking about in the last post. It's not exactly but its in the same stream of consciousness for me. Cole and I were talking and I am glad to see I am not alone in my thoughts. She is my fraternal twin after all. Now what we were talking about is basically what my last blog is about. Where are the MEN? Why are we having to push men into responsibility? They are the head of the household. Why aren't they taking charge? Although from a biblical standpoint women are supposed to birth the vision, but what if the man has no vision? That's why its important for a man to have a relationship with God. God will give him the vision. Women support the vision. Haha! Now I understand why cheerleaders are women. We're always the ones saying you can do it or go for it.

Anyway, I just wanna talk to some men and ask why they are shrinking from repsonsibility. Even from the very first approach. You find a lot more women are making the first move and that has NEVER been me. And this is what's so messed up: the ones that are clear about what they want and where they are going, we don't want them. Perhaps their vision needs to get a bit clearer?

Which somehow brought me here. I want a relationship with God, but I've been seriously slacking. I haven't been reading my Bible or praying like I should. But its getting too routine and that's not a relationship. That's obligation. That's not what God wants. I've been thinking and thinking about this. How do I get past this to the deeper stuff? I've been putting crap before God and expecting Him to take it. And even though I know this, what am I doing to get there? What is hindering me?

This is what I found. My desires. I still want to be seen as a sex object. I be wanting to do those Pussycat Doll Beyonce Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader moves. I love to party. I just wanna get drunk sometimes. But I don't. Why? Because I know its stupid. It doesn't lead to anything but destruction. This is what the Bible says. A man is dragged away and enticed by his own desires (James 1:14). So we have to inspect our desires. Even when they seem to be godly desires, are they really? And why do I still desire do these other things? Those who have their mind on the Spirit want what the Spirit desires.

No doubt God has done some amazing things in the last 11 months. But to get to that next level I feel like I'm gonna have to do something else. Its going to have to be a Spiritual breaking. And its gonna hurt. But like any other bootcamp, where's the drill sergeant? Where's my made coach? Cus clearly if I'm depending on just me it ain't gone happen. I'm beleiving God is going to send someone. Just like this last Sunday I was not gonna go to church. I had a meeting at work that morning and I had to go back to work later. I was just like forget it, I can miss one day. Well, then I get a phonecall from one of my co-workers asking if she can ride with me. That's accountability there. So I went. But I don't want to get into the routine. Me and God still have some talking to do.

A lil movie analysis

What looks stupid to everyone else, might actually be genius. So I was watching Love and Basketball today and I got a lil more in depth. The first thing I noticed was that when Omar Epps broke up with Sanaa in college, she took all the blame even though he was being stupidly selfish. She even said, "Whatever I did, we can fix it."
Me, I woulda been like,"Oh so that's it for us? Aight, I'll holla at you." And even though she was on the verge of begging he still broke up with her.

When we cut to the final scene and they're playing one on one for his heart. She looks really desperate. She is desperate. And I'm thinking what about your pride? What about being an independent woman of the millenium? What if she had never even tried to get him back. He would have ended up married to Tyra and divorced in a couple years. Sanaa woulda been working at the bank, going from job to job, probably single for a couple years or forever.

Although she looked stupid on the outside and it seemed she was losing faith by the end, she had to be mad confident to do it. She knew he was making a mistake. She knew he was for her. What could have been going through his head? Could he not see that they were meant to be? Had he given up?

Men move on so fast to anything new, whether its good for them or not. Seems like you have to hit them over the head to get them to see what you see. And I love the song at the end, "You make a fool of me." Cus it looks like that. But it also reminds me of a song by Sade "Love is stronger than pride".

I mean thats not the end of analysis. I still gotta connect it with the Lord and trust me I see connections. Women birth out the man's vision, thats why we have the womb. But we're not supposed to take things into our own hands that's how Sarah got into that mess with Hagar. Sometimes you feel helpless when it comes to things in life. That's when you have to trust God has a plan and be confident when it comes time for you to do your part, you'll be ready.

Will this hold you over?

Not to tease y'all, I just felt obligated to write a lil something since I've been on the internet for so long today. I've caught up on my facebook, myspace, back account and everyone else's blog. I feel like I've missed out on so much. People have gotten into relationships, broken up, into new organizations, quit jobs. Where have I been? Work. Yeah, I'm not about let this take over my life. It's time to regain control. Basically that's where I'm at right now.

I didn't even think I would be able to form a complete sentence let alone write a whole blog. I just wanna let y'all know I miss you. Yes I do. I don't have the energy it would take to catch up with everyone so I just haven't done it. I am exhausted. That's all I have to give.

In continuation

So yeah after my shift yesterday, my boss had a lil talk with me. My numbers are not where they are supposed to be. She was asking me to question if this is the position I should be in during holiday time or should I step down and wait till things slow down and learn how to do things in the spring. I was like uh, I know things haven't been great the past couple days but I CAN do this and I WILL.

Basically, she gonna be watching me for awhile until my numbers come up. I think it may be my non-chalant nature. Lots of people take it as I don't care when its just that I don't care to perform or stress out for anyone. However, I do understand that some people need to be inspired and that energy is contagious so I will try to be more enthusiastic at work.

This morning we had our meeting and she was pleasantly surprised by our numbers and I think mine in particular. She was like "Oh!" And I wanted to be like OOOH IN YOUR FACE!!

But I maintained.

And it wouldn't be Christ- like.

Yeah this week has been off to a bad start, but I take authority over the enemy. I think I'll be meditating on Luke 10:19 today.

In preparation

I would have to describe this last week a roller coaster ride. I've had a really great time followed by a couple bad days. The women's encounter was last weekend and while I had a great time, I don't think my body had a chance to catch up. It went like this. Friday: woke up and had to be a work at 6am. I was probably late. Worked till 3pm then me and Cole went to Wal-Mart her house then church til bout 10. Went to my house to pick up some clothes, Taco Bell, back to Cole's. Saturday: Went to church at 8am till 10pm, talked until bout 11:30, went home. Sunday: overslept, contemplated not going to church at all since I had to be at work at 12.

Now this is where I have to stop. I knew I had to go to praise and worship for some reason. So even though I was late for the last session of the encounter I was early for praise and worship. I had the most exciting, outrageous praise and worship experience I've ever had. Like, it took over most of church. See God let me know the authority I have over the enemy in that time. He showed me what he was about to do. And it just spread throughout the church.

When it was time for me to leave for work. I was still crying and praising in the car. I was just hoping I would be able to get it together before I got there. But on the way, the Holy Spirit warned me that this would not be a good day. The devil comes quickly to steal a word, kill your joy and destroy your promise. It was a crazy day plus I was mad tired. Monday, just the same, bad day and I was mad tired and added onto that I felt sick.

Now looking back, I have to ask myself: Did I take the authority that God had just let me know I HAVE over the enemy? Apparently not. But at the end of this whole drama God will get the glory. We're about to turn this thing around. There you have it.

In it

Tonight is the season finale of Project Runway. Oh how long have I waited for this. I love that Bravo shows it several times in the same night because I always miss it on Wednesdays. I wish Top Model did that. I may get to see it this Sunday. I've been trying to get the recorder working on my vcr/dvd player. I don't know what it's doing. It's recording stuff that I never wanted to watch and like, hours of it.

Well, my fave to win is Micheal. I just like his style. On side note: is it just me or wouldn't Kayne be super sexy if he wasn't gay? I saw him on the reunion show with his lil stubble. I just loved it. Daggone shame I tell you!

I'm feenin for a Rubicon potato and if I have anything to do with it I'm gettin one! Y'all non-Tulsan's don't know nothing bout that. It's this huge potato with smoked BBQ meat, BBQ sauce, ranch and cheese! Oh its so good! Me and Larry used to make our own in Hampton and like eat em on the low because we ain't wanna share the secret.

Speaking of Tulsa I saw the episode where Oprah and Gayle were in Tulsa and crashed those two weddings. It was so crazy. Actually a friend of mine from high school was at one of the weddings. So wierd.

Do you know how hard it is to manage your money when you have none? It's on the way though. The money, the car, my blessing. Ohhh its on THE way!

Randomness: I just think its so funny how on Dave Chappelle, when he's doin the Lil' Jon skit and he says WHAT?! The people always repeat themselves so patiently back to him. They never get tired of it and yell back. I think that therein lies the genius of the whole thing.

It took me a minute to formulate an entire blog in my head. I got one. So it looks like I won't be going to Hampton's Homecoming this year. I am kinda bummed. Even if I had the money to go (which I don't), I still wouldn't be able to take the time off. It's a blackout week at work. In fact I can't request off until next year. Since I got my promotion, the position does not allow us to take that time off. So I won't be seeing my Hampton people unless they come visit me.

When I found out I wouldn't be able to go this memory came back to my mind. Last year when I was in Hampton there was an older lady and she told me, When you leave you'll come back for homecoming, but not the first year after. I tried to make it happen. In the end it wasn't meant to be.

My phone is sorta on a break til Friday. The first week I guess they were giving me a chance because I could recieve calls, but not make them. Which I guess was kinda cool. Now I can't do anything. It'll be paid on Friday.

I'm so proud of my mom, she's getting the motivation to take some accounting classes. Which I've said she should do for years. She's a financial genius. The only reason we've ever made it through the years other than God.

Excited about doing more at work. I'm realizing there's a lot more involved in this position than just going to work. I'm going to have to actually study.

Set the atmosphere

I got a real lesson yesterday. So I thought my day was going well. While my sister went to get her brakes fixed, I was watching my neice. She said it'd only take about 30 mins, so I figured I'd have more than enough time. I got dressed and when I called to check on the progress she said she was on her way. I called about 30 mins before my shift because it only takes about 10 mins(when I drive)- 15mins for someone else to get to my job. Then she calls back 15 mins later and said my aunt is gonna take me to work. I started to get nervous cus my aunt is slow as molasses and she's habitually late. There's no telling when she was gonna get there.

Well she got there but in my rush of tryin to get out of the house I forgot my keys for the store. So we had to turn around and go back to the house. I was extra frustrated. All kindsa stuff rushed to my head. This looks bad. My first day on the floor as manager and I'm late. All these things on my mind rushed to the forefront and I got so focused that I think I looked like I was about to pop a blood vessel. Then my aunt said,"What you over there thinking about?" I was like, "Lot's of things." She said,"You wanna talk about it?" I said, "It won't help." And she said, "Well tell me anyway." Daggone nosey family! Well I talked about it and she actually gave me the Word of the Lord. Amen. That helped me to be encouraged. Helped me repent (which means change your mind) and go into work with a different focus.

While I was in the car concentrating on all my problems, I realized where I'd started off wrong was that I didn't pray that morning nor did I read my Bible. Just a bad start off to my day. There's honestly a big difference. Plus after the Encounter last weekend I should have known better. You can't walk out the house without prayer. You need prayer to get through the day. To set the pace. God will cover you.

So I walk in and my other manager is already having a bad day. I was like we gotta change this. I went into the fitting room and I prayed. Actually my day started to get better after that.

Like the wind

Dude, this last week has been crazy. I knew because I was going to an Encounter last weekend and craziness always comes before and after the Encounter that I was in for something. Two cars stopped on me last week. Lots of confrontation. Working crazy hours. Oh but that's life and you deal with it.

Then that weekend I went to a music/worship Encounter. A big focus in my church are the Encounters and every single time they are life changing. We just learned more about what music was meant to do and what worship is all about. Just really sitting in God's presence was awesome. God inhabits your praise. When you praise, he's there. That's a wonderful thing to know.

THEN Sunday was just one of the best worship services. I got back to my seat and was still in his presence. It's a push to give more to God than what I been giving.

Work is about to be drastically different. I'm training for my promoted position this week. I'm just thinking about what I want to get out of this position. That's also bringing more out of me.

So really when I think about it, I can't be complacent. I have to give more in everything. That's a big responsibility. If I don't come up, then I'll just sit in mediocrity. I'm tired of being mediocre. It's time for excellence.

What did u say?

We will all be held accountable for the words we say. And its even more serious because once you say words, you cannot take them back. I've been saying a lot lately and the bottom line is: I should take my own advice. In most cases the advice is beyond me anyway. It's God speaking through me and its good advice.

One thing I asked for in prayer is that God would expose anything about me that is not like Him. That anything that would hinder my growth in God be brought to the forefront. Well, God does answer prayer.

Now, in my asking to be exposed there is the actual exposure part I have to deal with. It's often times embarrassing and very hard to go through it. But if you can admit that you're wrong for ever you've done and not try and cover it up, it usually means you want to change for the better. Some people are caught red handed in their mess and still deny they ever did it. I want to change for the better.

I have seen some things that I didn't even realize I did. Some things I didn't realize I was still doing.

All I can do now is accept the responsibility..... and the consequences. Oh yes, there are consequences. With every lil bit of exposure, I risk losing a lot. But it's because of my own doing.

Then I have to forgive myself, because if I use all my time sulking and wallowing in my failures, I might miss my blessing. And I have to forgive others for anything I may be holding against them. If we don't forgive others, how can we expect to be forgiven? You know the funny thing is, it's pretty easy for me to forgive. Bitterness weighs me down and makes it too easy to be depressed. But I often go to the extreme with my head in the clouds and forget other things too that set me up for the fall.

During my purity graduation, the prophet told me I know how to keep God's secrets and He has entrusted me with much. That's an awesome responsibility. It can also seem overwhelming if I let it. But the flip side of that is, I've fallen off from keeping other secrets. I had this thing like word vomit and sometimes when I tell myself to keep something, I end up telling. Not everything, trust, but usually its the very time I should keep my mouth shut.

The great thing about God is while I am being put out there is that He's a great and patient teacher. The God of a second, third, fourth, fifth to seventieth chance. With people sometimes we aren't as fortunate. What can we do? Deal with it.

So while I am being exposed and transparent. For the people who know me, they have a choice. They can cover me with prayer or choose to intensify my exposure. In his book Teach me how to love you, Thomas Weeks says, " If a man can love your weaknesses, he'll adore your strengths." I believe the same goes in family and friendships. Some peoples' weaknesses we just don't want to or have to deal with and that's a choice.

All I can do is take things as they are. Continuing to grow and change, hoping I don't run too many people off and learn from mistakes the first time I make them (not the fifteenth time like I usually do!).

Open the curtains

For the afternoon matinee, V for Vendetta. I'll tell y'all how that goes. I'm skeptical.

I figure for the rest of the week, I'll get some bon-bons and lay up in the bed, reading my book. Sounds good to me!


I was flipping channels and for some reason I stopped on BET NOW. Perhaps I shouldn't have been watching it, but I stopped just the same. So I was watching this video for that Shareefa girl called 'I need a boss'.

What's goin through my head is like this:

Hm, her haircut's different. Hot beat. Oh but she can't dance though. Now he know he ain't earn that money. She want somebody she can call Papi, Daddy? Uh, no. All that flashy stuff makes me nervous, looks real illegal.

Then Ludacris come out talkin bout he the 'king of all kings'. So what? You sayin you Jesus, Luda? That's the only King of kings I know. Then he go on to say, "I got more verses than the Bible". Oh let's just take the blasphemy to a whole nother level. The devil is bold these days!

That's when I knew I had to quit. I just can't do the whole secular thing and I'm bout to go repent right now.

No doubt

I finally finished Inside Man. Spike Lee is so off the chain. My favorite things about a Spike Lee joint are his signature shots. Now it's like you wait the whole movie just to see those shots. I could do without some of the language, but he always gets his point across.

Like every artist, he goes off the deep end sometimes. Like that scene in Girl 6 when all the phones are falling from the sky. Now that was really dumb.

Switching subjects, aren't there some people you hate to hear use slang because they just don't sound right? Even if they are young in age. Even if they are in that culture that created it.

Speaking of culture, one thing that bothers me is when a person completely forsakes their own culture for another. I am all for learning about other cultures. I love learning about traditions and different foods and languages, but I love my people. In no way am I excluding anyone, but if you don't have a close friend in your own culture it says something about you. I think its a form of self hatred. Just like when you confine yourself to dating someone of a race thats not your own. Again, I'm not saying you shouldn't date other races. I myself am open minded. I don't say I will only date black men. I love my black men. I am also open to someone of another culture coming into my life. One thing we must have in common though, no doubt, is Christ.

Man, I miss A Different World. There's no sitcom like it. Where they aren't afraid to get serious. Then come right back and make you laugh. A commentary on society today. Not just ignoring what's going on in the world for the sake of comedy.

Yes I am quite random. Thoughts stack on top of each other in my head, fighting their way to the surface. I try to stay on one stream of consciousness, but some times it doesn't work. Thomas Weeks says its because women must multi-task to run a home that it seems we have different personalities. Women have personalities, men have issues. And your man must have as many issues as you have personalities in order to know when to switch it up. Otherwise, he won't know how to handle that woman. Great book people. Pick that one up.

The Scenery!

My first day on hiatus from work. Bout to get started on cleaning out the closet. My sister called herself cleaning my room, but her cleaning is very deceptive. You go into the room and it looks spotless. Then you go the closet and there's everything you didn't see. I appreciate the initial work though. One less thing for me to do.

I'm reading Teach me how to love you by Thomas Weeks III. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and just kept reading. I can tell its gonna be a great book already. Full of wisdom and realness.

I saw this movie I really enjoyed this morning called What a Way to Go with Shirley McClaine. This lady get married 4 times and each time they start out in love but eventually her husband gets incredibly rich and dies in some freak accident. It would have been pretty sad if it weren't funny. In the end she's got like a $100 mil and living on a farm with a failure of a husband. Just the way she'd always dreamed.

Sanaa Lathan is on Nip/Tuck now. I might have to check that out.

On the first day of my hiatus, I'm clearing out my head. Hopefully not filling it up with too much junk. I am catching up on my television though. What I have found is that there's nothing on TV.

I cleaned and then I got sucked into this internet. As soon as I check myspace I'm gettin off this thing.

Praise God

Who didn't think the devil would show up in worship practice? MAN, people trespassin, taking spots and positions they shouldn't be taking. But that's ok. All we gotta do is worship the Lord. Sing to the Lord. Be filled with His presence and he'll give peace. That's all we gotta do is worship. Easy right? Not so much.

What shoulda happened is someone should have gone to that person and had a one on one with them. A lot of us saw the division. Some were ignorant to the fact it was going on. It was not nice. I was simply trying to learn the song, my part, and go home so I could sleep. But we can't let people hinder the effectiveness of the team. We gotta let God lead. It's not just about singing. And y'all this is just the first practice. It's not gonna happen again. Glad it happened early.

Either the person who feels trespassed against will have to go to that other person or I'ma tell them, "Get out what you got to say or get over it." And I'm not talkin bout that fake 'I'm over it' and still be talkin bout it to everyone. For real, forgive. We are worship leaders. If we can't enter into His presence, how can we expect everyone else to go there?

The Bible says Matthew 18:15:

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.

Then later in that same chapter:

21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.


But other than that, it was awesome. I love the songs! I'm feeling more confident in being a soprano. I told Nicole I blamed her for being in the soprano section. She said, "If you're gonna blame me, blame Jesus too." Grrrr Cole. How do you come back at that? Good one. You got me kid.

Our first time leading worship is gonna be next Friday at 7pm. Come on down to Greenwood Christian Center if you're in the area.

So I was facebooking, which led to myspace and it led me here.

I was lookin at this dude's myspace page and stumbled across his favorite movies.

Scarface, Boyz N Da Hood, State Property I &; II, The Mack, The Notebook, Bad Boys II, South Central, Friday, Above the Rim, I cant remember them all, I gets high homie.

So funny! I'm not saying dudes shouldn't like The Notebook. I think its the greatest movie ever. And some dudes are in denial about the movie *ahem*. Just kinda seemed outta place here. Caught me a lil off guard.

Quit trespassin'

The conclusion to our conference was just awesome as was expected. It's all about finding out your purpose. What God created you to do. How do you do that? What are your gifts, your passions? That's where you'll find ur purpose and your area of leadership. I'm definitely getting the CD's. Dr. Munroe breaks it down like none other.

Dr. Munroe is so funny. But just like the best comedians, all they're doing is telling the truth. People are just plain funny. And boy was he putting it all out there. Probably hurt some folks feelings. He confirmed so many things for a lot of us. Cole actually cried and she don't cry. She mists. The water just sits on her eyelashes.

She don't sweat either, she glows. How'd you manage to do that, Cole?

Tonight I have practice with the worship team The Experience. I pray it goes well because I think I caught the Allergies from somebody. Probably Larry. I lived with him for too long. I say caught because I've never had allergies before. Very wierd. I don't like em. With that said, I don't know how I'ma sound.

Last night I didn't work with the kids because I didn't wanna be sneezing and blowing my nose all over them.

I tried singing in praise and worship but thats different. Worship is for no one else..Well, I guess I'll just sing to the Lord in practice. My friend heard me singin in praise and worship for the first time and she was like, "You have a powerful voice. Don't be afraid to use it." I said I'll only use it to praise. Most people don't know I sing because I don't sing all the time. And even then I don't be singing for real. I haven't sang seriously in years. I had no reason to sing. But I'm excited about this. I found my spot!

Kita luv da kids

So for the most part during the conference I've been working with the babies. I've had a good time. I used to say I don't like no kids but my own. I don't have any kids.

But kids seem to really like me. I don't know why. Lately, they've been gravitating towards me like I was a fruit roll up or something. I worked with the babies. They are extra cute. The greatest thing about them is that they fall asleep or start falling asleep by 8 or 8:30pm. YES! And they don't talk or ask too many questions or gossip or...well y'all know where I'm goin. All they wanna do is eat, sleep and laugh and that's cool.

But they're still leeches. I've concluded that mostly all children are leeches. Myself included. I would sit there, minding my own business, eating MY food and here comes a 2 year old with her hand out. She had her snack already. But she wants mine. I can fix my neice the exact same thing as I have but somehow mine is gonna taste better, right? Gotta love em. Little leeches.

All you can hope for is that one day when they get their own, they'll give some back to you.

They have the most amazing way of distracting you from ur own problems. Everything in the world disapears except for that child. And to watch them sleep is so awesome. I wish I could still sleep like that.

So I'm excited to do some more things with the children's ministry. One of my friends said I should open a daycare. I was like yeah right. That's not going down.

*********************************************************************************
Before I go I must comment on the horrible song writers of this age. It's just terrible. It's all about the beats and the voice. Horrible. I can't get with it. You might as well come out with the instrumental and just sing "ooh ooh" because the words don't make sense anyway. I'm done. Love you people.

2 weeks

WELL, that was much easier than I expected. I put in my two weeks at my day job today. And they were happy for me! Look at God. Perhaps they knew that this wasn't the place for me as much as I knew it wasn't. CLEARLY.

My personality is kinda transparent. Usually if I don't like something or I'm feeling a certain way, you can tell.

I recieved a promotion at my other job with higher pay. Amen! They told me I didn't have to take two weeks because this is an opportunity for me. That's awesome.

I honestly think it was gonna be them or me. Good thing I quit before I was fired. I'm glad it was me this time.

Oh yes but I can see the divine timing in this. I didn't do it too early or stay too long. Praise God.

How long does it take for pics to get developed from Wal- Mart? Oh it don't matter, I won't be able to get them till Saturday anyway. I've been going straight from work-home-church-home all week. At least I know that they will be done by then.