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Yesterday, Milyaka finally talked about everything. I knew it was going to come out soon, it was bound to happen. We talked about the last few blogs I wrote with her in it. She didn't like her portrayal, but that's the way I felt. I almost had to pull it out of her to get her to explain why she was acting the way she was. She actually asked me WHY I was her friend. She was upset about us not being able to spend any time together while I was here and when she would ask me to do something I was already doing something with one of her other friends. She felt that if I'd made any plans with anyone else I should drop them if she came up with something for us to do. I told her I didn't want her to stop her life just because I was here and if she couldn't be around that I would find something else to do. Her friends started to call me and present me with plans so I just was like,"OK, sure". She actually revealed to me that years ago one of her other close friends said I don't know why y'all are friends. And that made her question our friendship in turn because she was already thinking it. But people would say that all the time because we are so different.
When it comes down to it, she told me she knows that she is a high maintainence friend and I'm such a low maintainence friend that she's afraid I'll get sick of her and stop being there for her. Now this is where it hurts. I'm a late reactor so it didn't hit me right then. But as I thought about it, knowing that she's best friend I've got and her doubting our friendship.....It hit me at my core. By my mannerisms, people often think I feel less than I do. I thought after knowing me for eight years, Milyaka just knew I never felt any different. I was completely wrong. As I often am. But there is no way, NO WAY, I would ever give up on her. Because I don't give up on people I love. EVER.
We also talked about those times she keeps referring to in VA. Because everytime she came we had to re-evaluate our friendship. And she felt she had not seen the change in me since we'd talked about these things for years. Now I must say this is not the first time I'd heard this criticism. I heard it repeatedly from Chris. In my defense, I feel like I am not the only one that needs to change. I told Milyaka that I promised to work on it, but if you do the same things over and over again you're gonna get the same reaction. And things do take time. If there is one thing I am, its open to criticism and self improvement. It takes me minute to get it, but I don't do it on purpose. I say charge it to my head and not my heart because I don't mean to offend.
While talking to Milyaka, I saw sooo many similarities between her and Chris. Like its almost amazing how many things they do the same. In fact, she now loves him because she feels like they are the same person. Which is why I felt like I knew a lot about him when I met him. But the differences are that Milyaka is willing to accept criticism about herself and try to change, she will never give up on me, she understands me and she has patience with me. All that because she loves me. Plus she has the conviction of God. Even if I don't tell her when she's wrong, she knows because God lets her know. I knew exactly when Chris gave up on me and never let me back in. I can't say I blame him. I made it really hard. But the biggest thing is that he did not love me therefore he did not have patience with me. It's just the truth and something I have accepted that.
We talked up until 7am! Catching up, talking about old stuff. I knew that was going to have to happen. We even talked about last year when we didn't talk much. I was going through some spiritual battles and she couldn't watch me go through that. I was putting myself through devastation. Thats hard to see when you know where someone came from and what they are capable of. I may not outwardly express myself like others can, but I hurt and love just as deeply if not more than most. I still believe that side is not to be seen by all, but is still important to show that side to people who are important to me.
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