My Daddy

Prepare yourself, this might get kinda sappy.....

Luther Vandross~ Dance with my father

This is something kinda personal to me. My daddy and I don't have the best relationship. I'm not even sure how he feels about it....My parents were divorced when I was 12. Until then my Dad thought he was my best friend. He used to talk to me about everything. I felt like I was his psychiatrist. An 11 year old should not be giving advice to a grown man about life. I always felt like I raised my father and he's still not an adult. Whenever he would say 'Oh you're just like me', I'd cringe. That's the last thing I wanted. You know as you grow up, you start to look at your parents less like parents and more like people. My dad is a spoiled man who never really learned how take care of himself. He's always needed a woman around to take care of him. But it ain't gone be me, I'm sorry.


I hope and pray that whole saying about you always end up with a man like your father is not true. I think that's one of my greatest fears. Another is that I will end up like my father.....I pray about that all the time. I want to love my father so much, but he just keeps letting me down time after time after time. After a person lets you down that much its hard to believe anything they say.... So I don't. Words hold very little weight with me. I usually wait to see a person's actions and go from there. I mean you can say it, but that does not mean you mean it. At the same time, I'm learning that some things need to be said. For example, you can show a person you love them but if you never say it, it's like doing nothing at all. Believe it or not.... I have communication issues. I hate talking about the way I feel....... But I can write about it. I'm learning to speak up. People rarely listen or care so I never thought it would make a difference. But my cousin once told me 'Silence does not always keep the peace'.


And I know its so cliche but it does affect my male relationships. There are very few men I trust or believe what they say. Which makes it hard to actually have a relationship. Where does the healing begin? Right now. Its gonna be hard and its gonna take time, but it can happen. When I think about my marriage, I just know its gonna be beautiful. Nothing like my parents'. I'm not saying they didn't love each other because I believe they did and still do. And I'm not saying they were not right for each other because it could have worked out. I just don't think they tried to keep it together and after awhile there was no point. Neither has really forgiven the other for their mistakes. I can tell that they both are still deeply hurt even after 10 years of divorce.

My dad just has not grown any since I have known him. I haven't seen that he has learned anything. And now I'm just tired of talking to him. I really don't have any more to say. He's never been abusive or anything like that, I always knew he loved me....He just never learned how to be a man. I love my daddy and I always will, but I don't know what else to do. Our relationship makes me more pessimistic about life and love. And I cannot live life like that. I pray that I am able to realize my faults and try to correct them. I pray that God shows me what I need to change. I see the road I am headed for if I don't by looking at my father. You must always continue to grow in life....Or you die, spiritually and mentally.


I have always envied my friends who have great relationships with their fathers. Its a beautiful thing, the father-child relationship. Daddies just have so much power. Taking nothing from mothers, we know they can be the best too. But with fathers it's different. Men don't even realize what effect they have. I think its important that a father teach his daughter what to look for in a man and how he should treat her. I remember one of my friends said her dad took her out on a date to show her how it should go. I have some friends who either don't have a father or never had a real relationship with their father and I think its crazy that they envy me! Is it better to have a whack father or none at all? I know it's hard to be a parent. You are responsible for the type of people that go out into society. I give mad props to those that do it well. One thing that deters me from sex is that if I slip up and make a mistake, I'm afraid I'm not ready to be the parent I want to be. And my kids don't deserve a half ass parent (excuse the language, what's another word for half ass?).


I don't know why I am sharing this information. I've always written better and more expressively than I speak. Maybe there's someone out there who needs to read this. Maybe it was just for me to get it out. Its probably because its Spring Break and every break I begin to think way too deeply about EVERYTHING because all of the time I have. But I leave you with this.....I love my father, I hope one day I get to dance with him.