Communicate!

For the past few weeks I have been going back and forth learning this lesson in communication. I admit I wouldn't call myself the best at it. But I have been told that I am: passive aggressive, a bad listener, not verbally expressive, cold and just a flat out bad communicator.

A lil something about me:

When I was younger, I felt whether I said things or not it wouldn't matter. People don't change based on what you say anyway. Therefore I kept a lot to myself. I journaled my feelings. I've kept a journal since I was 11. When it came time for me to actually let someone into my life, I can't lie it was extremely hard to let them into my thoughts.

Trust is a major issue. I am still very cautious about who I let in. But now after getting a hard and fast lesson about fighting and having some (to me) highly sensitive friends, I've tried to notice any signs that I'm shutting down. I'm not very sensitive, but I'm not selfish. I really do care about others and their feelings.

Now, I try to nip things in the bud early. If I'm really upset, it may take me a day to get my thoughts together and then present them. I never cut all all communication. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away, it just makes it more awkward when you finally have to face it. Its still very, very hard for me to confront people. But when I push past my discomfort and bring up these issues, is it unreasonable for me to expect some reciprocation? Well you can't expect everyone to be where you are.

One of my very outspoken friends who prides herself on her communication and I have been bumping heads since day one. Just because you say it out loud doesn't make it ok what you say. So I find myself having to regain my footing and think about how to talk to her. If I am extremely straight forward with someone, I feel like they can take it. Some people make you have to rethink what you say them. Well I feel like I do that with her. But maybe she doesn't necessarily do that for me. Or perhaps she feels like she does.... It must be addressed. Leading to another awkward conversation.

I'm getting the feeling that life is full of awkward conversations. Yes, just now realizing that. And I get tired of them. I get tired of explaining. I get tired. Why can't you just know?! But if you value your relationships, you have to. Otherwise, if you don't care about those relationships justshutup.

How do you know love?

So this is the question: What does it mean to be IN love? I remember a teacher once told us that if you find that you still love that person 10 yrs from now, you can know that you really loved that person. I was discussing this with my best friend and her conclusion was this: its simply loving someone who you're attracted to.

I feel this way: there's got to be some evidence of sacrifice. If you're not willing to give anything up for that person, don't say you love them. Secondly, people will hurt you time and time again. Whether it be intentionally or unconsciously its bound to happen at some time. You have to be able to forgive. Third, you have to be able to feel safe with that person. Enough to let them in the deep, dark places that no one else is allowed.

If you gather all those things and place it with a level of passion and attraction Voila! You're in love! Sex is not love. We seem to know this and at the same time, we act like we don't. Sex has one purpose to bond two people, create life and of course pleasure. It sounds like 3 but its one. When the purpose for something is not known it will be abused. So people have taken an attribute out the total purpose and made it seem like thats the purpose. Well we know that the pleasure in sex is the sense of euphoria you feel by the release of chemicals through an orgasm. Giving you (mostly women) that 'loving' feeling.

So "being in love" can be accelerated by physical affection, constant communication and emotional pulls. This is also known as a soul tie.

My love test starts with this: 1 Corinthians 13:4

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And that's just the beginning, being in love is still not the same as staying in love. I do believe that love(the action) is a choice and something that you have to practice.

It's such a complicated thing only because you never can know how another person will react or what their thoughts, emotions and history's are. I am a cautious person. Best believe that if I say that I'm in love with someone, that that love has been tested without a doubt.

Who's a flirt? ME?

I don't know if y'all know this, but you will be tested about every bit of knowledge you receive. So I was just remembering how one day I was cleaning and listening to this old Pastor Tamara Bennett tape. Her messages have been right on point for this time in my life. No matter what I hear her preach about it relates to me somehow. Anyway, she happened to interject her message to talk about this kinda friendship she was having with a guy at work. Nothing real big they would just chat it up at work and one day she just said to him,"Thats a nice tie." Seems real simple and innocent right? Well the Holy Spirit asked her,"You gonna get one of those for your husband?" She replied ....No. He said, "Your father? Brother?" .....No. Well then its just idle conversation. Not going anywhere and for no reason. That's what flirting is. And Pastor Bennett said..."Now that just a little too much." And I'm sure I'm paraphrasing but you get the gist.

So then it comes to me and I admit maybe sometimes I tell a little too much about myself on this blog. Reach back a few years and you can learn a lot more. But this is really therapeutic for me and its a point of accountability. Perhaps I can help someone else. Recently, very recently in fact I found myself getting caught up in the flirting game. Caught up I tell you! With someone totally inappropriate. And you know I recognize my growth because I'm catching it before it goes too far. Flirting used to be a fun thing for me to do back in the day. I was a big flirt. You laugh, you touch, you feel appreciated for your wit and talent. But what for? Its all a pointless waste of time.

I now see after talking it over with my accountability partners and I need many, that um this is not a good thing. Like I said previously "Check ME". I don't like straying too far. And the little things turn into big things. I KNOW!

I'm not the type of person that flirts with everyone. In fact some would say I have been out of practice for the past few years. BUT I know how to do it when the opportunity arises. And for me when opportunity knocked, I answered. Contrary to popular belief I am an affectionate person. And this was my chance. For some, this is not a big deal. Y'all may even say I'm making too much out of this. What's the harm in a lil flirting? Everybody does it! This is the problem: I feel like its not really a good witness. How do you look when your flirting? All googly eyed and cheesing. Silly: thats how you look. Can someone take you seriously when you look silly? Idonthinkso. What message do you send? I wanna get closer to you, possibly in private. What if you don't wanna get closer? Waste of time. And you're possibly leading someone else on, leaving room for them to get hurt by your actions or vice-versa. Then I get home, with no one to flirt with and those feelings of loneliness try to creep in when a few months ago I was totally content with my peace and quiet so now I'm searching for someone who is not God to validate me. (long sentence, I know)

And apparently, the Holy Spirit thought it was a big deal bring it up to Pastor Bennett and to me as well. I didn't get the shut down like she did, but it was enough to make me think back to what I was doing. But trust me, I do get shut down.

I mean everyone wants to feel attractive. Even if you know you're attractive having someone pay attention to you just confirms the fact. But when you start to compromise yourself to get that attention, thats a problem. I was watching Tyra the other day and she had several teen girls from ages 13-15 talking about sexting. Sending naked pics of themselves and sending graphic texts to boys. For most of them the reason was well if you don't do it the boys don't pay attention to you. For others it was like well it was something HE wanted and I just gave it to him. They weren't embarrassed, it was normal to them. Its what they DO. Thats just scary to me. These are the lengths young girls are willing to go to receive a compliment! Really?!

So I'm at this point in my life where I've gotten all cleansed and whole from all those other soul ties and what am I doing? Trying to create new ones? So it stops right here. With me. I'm taking responsibility for my actions. And I'll be patient.

Memories

OH blog remember when I used to write almost everyday? Those were the good times.... Well not really, I had some crazy things goin on in my head at that time. Its just good to have record of my craziness. I will commit to writing more often and I know, I know I've said this all before. It's just when I get into the swing of writing, I miss it. But like I said before inspiration has been few and far between. Then with my sister hijacking my computer and inconsistency with internet (which I will fix), when I do get inspired I have no outlet for it.

So maybe I shouldn't make promises....We'll just see what happens.

Check me!

So I got some inspiration. I was just catching up with a friend of mine and I felt the need to confess something that had been bothering me about myself. I noticed a lil bit of the old me trying to creep up. And she tells me oh yeah I noticed that. I was like HELLO! Why didn't you tell me? She said well I didn't wanna embarrass you. And I was like well you shoulda! I would have.

Folks, I check people all the time. All the time! Sometimes people need to feel embarrassed! With that said, I wouldn't dish it out if I couldn't take it. And I kid you not, there's only one person I know that will check me. ONE! She's not here in Tulsa and I honestly still don't know if she would do it in the moment. How can I expect to grow this way?

I can't even tell you why they don't take the time to correct me. Perhaps they feel like I don't take correction well and in that case, thats another thing no one has told me. Or maybe they don't pay attention to others like I do. Hmm. Or maybe they have unrealistic expectations of me. Maybe they don't feel comfortable in general.

But maybe in this situation I had to be the one to own up to it. I'm not totally unaware of my actions. And if I choose to live in oblivion, somebody snap me out of it!! I'm talking about accountability. I'm not afraid of it. I welcome it. And if I'm taking offense, I know they have hit a sensitive area. I just have to say don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. If there's truth there, it will be worth hearing.

In the end, I know if I don't get checked by anyone else, the Holy Spirit will check me. I can always count on Him. If I didn't have that connection, who knows what kinda craziness I would be into. I have a tendency to be a lil complacent sometimes.

Today

I finally got my computer back and I've had so many random thoughts, deep thoughts, thoughts in general that I could have definitely turned into many blogs. But of course as of right now I don't have a real blog. I'm just gonna get my thoughts together and get back to you. I actually just woke up from a nap. This is probably not the best time to be writing, but I figured I should start somewhere.

Oh Internet...

Dag it sucks not to have consistent internet. Soon that will be a thing of the past. As soon as I move into this next apartment, I promise I'll pay for it. Now I feel so far removed from the NY trip I don't feel like I can give an accurate or entertaining account of the events. Long story short, we missed our cheapest routes back to NJ and our hotel and since no one in NY wanted to admit they didn't know where we were going we ended up in Newark about 45 mins from our hotel. I didn't sleep the whole night, RAN to get on the bus back to DC, slept for bout an hour, went the HU/HU game and tried to stay awake through dinner. I think I passed out around 8:30 or 9.

All in all, it definitely was an adventure. It seems lately that when I've gone on these trips I rarely do what I've gone there to do. Sometimes you just roll with the punches.

What happens in NY

So this is really fresh now because I'm on my way back to DC from NY and I just wanted to see what I could get down if anything. I'm still really trying to process and I'm coming off of like 2 and a half hours of sleep. Ya know you gotta be careful about what you say.... because I remember telling a couple people that I may not sleep until I get back to Tulsa. Where to begin? Well at the beginning of course. So here goes.

Tiff and I decided to get an early start on the since we didn't get to see as much as we wanted on Thursday. Interestingly enough I woke up at 6:58 am on the dot and we still didn't really get to the city until about 11am. It was fine though. I had to navigate our route to Katz Deli and we wanted to try to get some shopping in. I'm very proud of myself, getting on and off that train as if I knew exactly where I was going. I hate feeling lost. So we got there ate and that in itself was an experience. My girl Tiff just throws me off sometimes. We used to joke about getting her a blonde track of hair and just swoop it in the front for some of the things she says. So I go to the ATM and as I'm walking back to the table she and the waiter finish the conversation they're having. She looks at me as I'm still walking towards her and says, "Did you hear that?" I looked at the waiter as if to say, 'She can't possibly be serious!' And they both crack up. How in the world was I supposed to hear anything from the back of the restaurant? That was one for the books.

Then after Katz we decide to go to the Soho district to do some shopping. As we walk there's just so many photo ops along the way that we're stopping every 5 mins to take pics. The funny thing about shopping down there was that all we were looking for was an H&M and we found everything but. I found some cute shoes and hat that I didn't get but I took pics of myself in so that I could remember it. While in one store my first roomie Kyhra calls to let me know she's on her way into the city and she wanted to meet at Times Square. So I expect her to get into the city around 3pm. When it gets close to time to meet up with her Tiff and I make our way to the area and search for a bathroom. We dip into Macy's and its like packed. With Fashion Week going on people are shopping like its a holiday. At this point, we decide to take a breather and think our next move. Well by this time its around 4pm so we call Kyhra to see where she is. The plan is to either get on the bus back to our hotel at 5 to get dressed for the fashion show (the whole reason for the trip) and then get back into the city because we didn't know where the Lincoln Center was. But if Kyhra was in the city already she could just give a ride back to the hotel. We met up with her and got aquainted with her friend Marnesha who also happened to be a Hampton Alum. Long story short, we got lost on the way to the hotel and hurried to get dressed, missed the faster bus back to the city and to take the longer, more scenic bus. Kyhra and Marnesha ended up taking the bus back with us so she wouldn't have to find parking in the city. So riding the bus, I'm thinking we're totally not gonna make it. But we still tried. We got on subway in an attempt to make it to the Lincoln center and ended up almost going to the Bronx.

Got great pics btw throughout all this madness. By this time, we gave up on the fashion show and decided to get something to eat. Making our way down 8th ave, Kyhra says I gotta get some Starbucks. So we find one and go in. While she making her order, a very small visibly drunk man comes over to us and says D***are y'all models? Y'all are beautiful!" Then as Kyhra comes to join us he says Oh my goodness CHOCOLATE! Can I take a picture with you? She declines and in these types of moments when we're being harassed by men Tiff avoids eye contact at all costs and she may even disappear all together. So he walks out and Kyhra goes to get her drink, then we walk out. He comes back and with a bewildered look on his face he says, YO is Chocolate your best friend? Chocolate is fine yo!! Needless to say we kinda just had to try and lose him.

So our next objective is to find a bathroom. And if you didn't already to know, its near impossible to find a public restroom in NY. So we see this sexy looking pub. All low lights and mahogany wood inside but busy. So the plan is two of us distract the host with questions while the others run to the bathroom. Lucky for us there happened to be a large party of women walking in at the time we wanted to go in so we just walked in with them as quickly as possible and ran to the bathroom. I don't know if I've ever gotten as many compliments so close together. In the span of like 2 hrs I had been told I was beautiful, elegant and stunning all by different men. What an ego booster!

Next on the agenda: food. We see the famous Gray Papaya I think it is. The had a recession special 2 hot dogs and a drink for $2.45. It was good but clearly just a teaser. So I saw a place called Schnipper's home of the sloppy joe. I got a cheesy joe and yes I was all about it. As we sat there we totally had a Sex in the City moment just talking about marriage and fun stuff like that. Then we decide we wanna go to Serendipity for some of their famous desserts. The fastest way to get there is by cab. To get a cab was a ridiculous amount of bargaining. It didn't take us as long as some other people though. To be in that cab was like nothing I've ever experienced. I'm just glad I'm still here to tell the story because of that ride. In a turn of events the driver apparently didn't hear where we wanted to go and went $10 in the wrong direction. The sucky thing is that we had to pay for his loss in translation. He thought we said 16th when we said 60th. As we're paying for the ride this lady decides that she wants to hurry us out of the cab and opens both the passenger side doors. Well Tiff's mix of MD and NY came out like "She don't know us. She really needs to slow up." And I was like you know I was itching to use my mace homie! Plus I don't think she expected to see 3 tall black women getting out the back of the cab and when we did get out she sure did keep her mouth shut.

We got lost again looking for Serendipity and in the midst of it all I realized that it midnight and the last bus back to Jersey left. So we decided we're here lets go on in. It was really cute on the inside and I had a Cholatcino which I believe really helped me make through the rest of the night.....And that's to be continued in the next post because that's where the adventure really begins!

NY, NY

So after day after one, I have to say I'm a lil underwhelmed at New York. I have yet to be wowed. I mean I feel like I saw a lot, I think its got beautiful architecture, but I dunno. I don't get the hype.


I've had to forgive Tiffani again and again for a bag she packed that almost ended our friendship. I ended up lugging this humongo bag up and down the subway, on and off the bus because of her bad back. Thats love I tell ya. The first adventure of the day was finding out how to get to our hotel. Which we did, tried to relax for a few mins and then got back on the road. I think we actually took the wrong bus back, but we got some good pics out of it.

I think we spent most of the time in Forever21, which is surprising but I got some great boots out of it. And the biggest shocker of the day: I ran into someone I knew from Tulsa! How random and just weird is that? All in all not a disappointment, but it didn't knock me off my feet.

Perhaps tomorrow will have more to offer.

The risk taker

So right now as we speak I'm on a bus on the way to New York. Its my first time so I have no idea what to expect. I've always been one of those rebels who really didn't care about the Big Apple. I didn't really have a desire to see it up close and personal. To tell you the truth seeing it on tv or in the theater was just fine for me. But fashion duty calls and I'm answering.

Funny thing is I was getting my hair done a couple days ago and my cousin who is also my hair stylist says: I think you've been playing it too safe. Do you think you take enough risks? And I'm thinking: What are you trying to say? I'm a sensible person. I like to take into account the pros and cons of a thing before I do it. I used to be the kind of person who would do things on a whim. Some of those things were just plain stupid. Like jumping on some strangers motorcycle just because I wanted to ride one. So for me, this trip to NY, though carefully planned is taking a risk for me.

Plus while getting my hair done I've been goin progressively more red in hair color over time. Well this time I didn't get any blonde in my hair and when she put the red over the blonde I had in my hair, it turned a bright red. There's no blending into a crowd with this hair color. So I guess she decided she would help me out with the risk taking. Trust me, I can rock it but I probably wouldn't have on my own.

So here's to taking some risks. I've got my mace in one hand and my sanitizer in the other. New York here I come!

Btw I really love Tiff's lil mini computer. I'm definitely getting one of these.

Really now?

A couple days ago I read an article clearly written by someone who was hurt by and bitter against the church. It was entitled How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely. There were so many things in that article that were against the Word that it makes my head spin, mostly due to the fact that this woman is not a Christian. That makes me wonder why wrote the article at all. There are standards that we live by and they are biblical.

So I guess you can call this my critique of the article. First of all, if you are attending a church and finding a husband there is one of your top reasons for going you’re on the wrong track. You go to church for instruction, motivation, alignment, fellowship and most importantly worship. Church is not a dating service. I’m sure many people have met their mates at church because, well there’s a common interest there. Why not? It’s just like someone who meets someone at work or the gym. Common interest. Whereas you may not necessarily go there looking for someone, you may just end up meeting them there. Secondly, I do believe that if that is your reason for going to a church then yes you will end up depressed because you’re missing the point. That’s like eating an apple and expecting it to taste like a banana. You will definitely be disappointed.

I believe this is the reason Paul said I would rather you were able to be single like me because your interests are divided. People get so distracted trying to catch someone they’re not able to do the work of the kingdom. That’s why people don’t care about the world that is dying and hungry. Too busy trying to look for someone to ‘complete’ them. God is the complete you. Your husband or wife is not the missing link. They are an added bonus. Talk to a married couple and let them tell you. You can still feel lonely with someone lying next to you.

Finally, I’m getting to the last straw of people trying to figure out why there are so many unmarried Black women. If its not our fault it’s the Black man’s fault or the church’s fault or White women’s fault. I really don’t care who’s fault it is. When it comes down to it all I can do is be who I am supposed be. What I care about is if my life is pleasing to God. And I stand on the Word that says God knows the desires of my heart and if I continue to be diligent that I will receive those things and more.

ya kno?

So I was on facebook and a 'friend' of mine posted a youtube video where a singer was talking about Christians singing secular music. This friend and I have had this discussion many times before. Mainly because he wants to sing and he doesn't under any circumstance want to sing gospel. My question is why not? His is answer is that he wants to sing love songs. Is that sooo wrong? I try not to get all caught up with peoples' perceptions of right and wrong. My conviction comes from the Word and the Holy Spirit. But what I told him is that if you love the Lord, why wouldn't you want to worship? And for me secular music just doesn't help me get from day to day. Those are just some things I don't think about on a daily basis and I LOVE music.

Now on this particular youtube video the singer used the book Songs of Solomon as his reasoning for God being just fine with love songs. Well, as far as I know Solomon was married when he talked about his beloved and his lover. I'm not married. To be honest, I have a hard time reading Songs of Solomon. But I know whats in there and its beautiful. I'm sure when I get married I'll be reading it all the time. Same goes for love songs. I'm not gonna meditate on someone singing about their love for their spouse (if they're married) or their lust for someone else (if they're not). While on the subject of Solomon, if we're using him as an example: wasn't he the one that had all these other wives that turned his heart after other gods? I mean what was he meditating on? I'm just sayin.

I remember I used to be OK with listening to secular music because I was really trying to appreciate the musicality of it all. Then music got stupid and untalented. Now even when I try to go back to my old favs its just not the same. You almost gotta decipher where they're coming from. Artists can be really out there sometimes. And it may not be somewhere you wanna be. For instance I just heard one of my old favorite artists call God a she. I just don't believe that. How can I bypass that and listen to it anyway? I tried and then I just couldn't.

Now I'm not gonna say anyone is wrong or cool for listening to secular music. I'm saying how does it help you? And if you're a Christian, how does it help you stay saved? Now this particular artist in no way convinced me to pull out my old Jill Scott and start bumpin it 24/7. I gotta keep my mind clear. Nor will I condemn anyone if thats what they want to listen to. But I do feel like that music doesn't help me grow spiritually. Yeah, I can totally get with Jill sometimes. She talks about some real stuff. And sometimes I just really can't.

So in conclusion because I could go on all day, I think of this verse Faith comes by hearing, and by hearing the Word of God Romans 10:17. Whatever you are hearing and hearing will become what you believe in.

rotten

I think about how spoiled we are these days. My air has gone hay-wire and the upstairs of my apt is like a gym. I got in the car this morning and blasted the air. Looking at Milyaka I said, "Remember when people were used to sweating?" Granted, I don't think it was triple digit weather back then. But today we go from air conditioned room to air conditioned room and can't stand being in the heat for 2 minutes. I thank God for technology, but its made us very spoiled.

We feel so entitled to have things. Talking to a friend about why certain things aren't happening in his life despite his hard working efforts made me realize that he felt like some things should just fall into place. An A for effort. But in reality, you don't just get an A for the effort. You get an A when you have prepared and effectively put the answers in the right place.

I was just talking to Milyaka last night about this same thing and she made it more concrete for me. She said, "People think being spoiled is material and getting everything you want in gifts. But really its thinking that you are owed what you want." I've just began to realize that this is an ultimate source of unhappiness. Its like we have forgotten that we come into the world with nothing and everyone has to work for what they have. Whether that means putting your foot to the grindstone, having difficult conversations that you don't really want to have or sacrificing what you want in order to show someone else love.

For us Christians its like we forgot the Word says, "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all." I believe thats in Job. I'll look it up.... Hold on......Ok here it is...I was wrong its Psalms 34:19. Anyway, the part we seem to concentrate on are the afflictions. Not that we are righteous, nor that God delivers us out of them all. And you know what? When stop you stop feeling so entitled, you begin feeling grateful and thats when you begin to see things fall into place.

just a thought

I met a guy once on the plane from VA to Memphis. I remembering seeing him in the airport. I'm not sure who started the convo, but me knowing me I'm pretty sure he did. He told me he was going to visit his girlfriend and so we didn't get any of each others information. I just remember that was a great conversation because I don't talk to strangers on planes. From time to time I just think about him.

admission

I....am.... a product junkie. I will be glad when I actually finish a jar of something other than conditioner. But I can hardly contain myself from trying new ones. I saw yesterday that Trade Secret was having a half off sale. It's sad. So I'm sitting here watching One Tree Hill and I'm about to do my hair so I'm trying to use 2 or 3 things at once.

true love

My friend and I just finished watching a movie called Timer. I first saw the preview on Hulu and then found it on my new fav site Netflix. Awesome concept of a movie. It takes the match.com phenomenon to another level. This company thats looks like a cross between a t-mobile store and an Apple store where you can go and get this timer implanted on your wrist to tell you exactly when you will meet your soul mate. The main character's timer is blank which means her soul mate hasn't gotten his timer yet. Which kinda makes her crazy wondering when and where he is.

So it kinda got us thinking...if you could know when you would meet the ONE, would you want to? And even if you do know, you could still definitely screw it up by not being open to loving someone. I think of characters like Joan from Girlfriends who had chance after chance after chance and she still managed to mess things up by being desperate or jealous. She was the perpetual single girl and after a while i was like please just find somebody!

Also I'm wondering can you be just too picky. I mean I know what I want and some things I'm not really willing to compromise on. Height....I know thats a soft spot for some men, sorry. Relationship with the Lord, I just can't have the same fight again and again. And when it comes to beliefs its a struggle if the person you want to be with doesn't know what your talking about.

I would love to see some options...Trust me, I haven't seen any. Cole actually suggested I practice my flirting. I know how to use the tools when the time comes. I just don't want to waste those tools on someone I wouldn't normally give the time of day. Nor do I want to get someone's hopes up, thinking there's something there when there's not. I like to be very clear on my intentions. If I like you then you'll know.

night time

I'm so bad at routine, thats probably why I write here so randomly. I'm good at random. Well, my first attempt at a roller set with perm rods was a complete fail. Mostly because my hooded dryer is broken and I really have no idea what I'm doing. I figure the more I practice and when i replace my dryer it will finally work out. I was gonna try those 3-strand twists, but I'm tired. The only reason why I haven't passed out yet is because I'm nosy. I had to get on facebook, finish watching this movie I started earlier on Netflix and talk to my bff's. On top of that, I got into facebook stalking and you just never know where thats gonna take you. So yeah, I'm fighting to keep my eyes open and that's all I got for now.

This is my new and I totally plan to get it very soon even though I won't be able to wear it until the fall. And believe me it looks even better on me. Plus I have a bangin leather skirt to wear it with. I passed it up the first time and it came back to me! Now tell that ain't meant to be....

Random

so for the past couple days or shall I say weeks, I've been working like a maniac. I'm in retail if you didn't know and we had a floorset that was supposed to be over at midnight and I got out at 3:30. Then I had to be back at work at 9am. I was definitely praying on the way to work not to crash. I somehow made it through the day, chatted with Cole for a few mins and proceeded to pass out until about 1am. Which brings me to why I'm up at nearly 4am blogging.

On my last off day that I didn't post because I pretty much forgot what I was gonna say, I think I was doing my hair. Thats my new hobby and obsession. I'm trying to rock this natural thing for real now. I was faking before because I would always wear it straight. So since I'm up, I found myself on youtube watching natural hair videos trying to get some ideas. I'm also trying to figure out if I will get up and get something to eat.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna try 3-strand twists on my hair. Everyone talks about the 2 strand twist and for some reason parts of my hair still want to be straight. Its probably from all those years of faking it. I mean I wasn't getting a relaxer but it was never in its natural state. And to tell the truth if you look at pics when my hair was relaxed and then when it was natural, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. But it feels different to the touch. Its much softer now, I wouldn't go back. Not even for the convenience of it. So I'm thinking if I do the 3 strand it may come out curly as I want it.

Hopefully I can get to sleep soon because I want to be able to enjoy some of my day off. Maybe if I eat something it will help. A grumbling stomach does not help you sleep at all.

Became a recent member of Netflix. Love it. No more viruses trying to watch illegal movies. Which I should of known better anyway. When you're accountable to the Lord anything you try to do out of the will, you get caught. At least I do. I can't step outta bounds for nothing. That's cool with me though. As for Netflix, I watched Sparkle. definitely a classic. Its just one of those movies that remind me of my childhood. I probably should have never watched this movie as much as I did, but nonetheless it has some great lessons in it. And for some reason just between me and you, it makes me think of candy....always has and it makes me hungry. I know...real fat. I'll take it.

I'm just gonna end this post right here because I think I can go on for awhile making twists and turns in the conversation and I'll probably lose you so hopefully it won't be too long until my next post.

Testimony

Telling my testimony always ends up making me feel retrospective. I would every time I tell someone, that I learn something new as well. I re-read my journal from college and whats crazy is that even though technically I was there, it was like an out of body experience. I feel and think completely different now.

It is a blessing that you can do a complete 180. People can look at you now and not picture you doing the things that were so common to you once upon a time. I can't say that I was the wildest person, but the change that happened was inside more than anything. The change was in my thoughts, my moods, how I felt about my surroundings. All of those inner workings made a tremendous difference in my life.