Do you have the time?

Lately I've been trying to be more consistent and orderly in my life. Balancing my check book, making sure I get certain things done daily. And as I continue get more things in order, it feels like my life is filling up. I want to make time for certain things and people. But it feels like if I add one more thing and another and another and then I won't have time for me. I value my alone time. I enjoy my time alone. I'm a self admitted loner.

However, this year which started off with a bang has kept me more busy than I possibly have ever been. Now compared to other peoples' lives I'm sure it doesn't seen like much. I don't have children, school or a relationship to deal with but my life is pretty full. The more you grow in God there's a huge focus on relationships and maintaining any healthy relationship takes what? Time.

I've started a new job and I'm realizing if I want to be successful its going to take more of a commitment than just your regular work day hours. I have friends that I actually like hanging out with. Church commitments that I feel that I have no reason not to be apart of especially as a service to the body. I honestly feel like my family has fallen out the loop in all of this. I'm working on getting them in the rotation.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family. My sister and I have been on rocky terms since birth, but I would do anything for her whether she knows it or not. My niece and nephew are my heart. My mom is the greatest. But we live in the same city and at times it feels as if I could be back in VA and see them the same amount of time. I take my blame in all this. I could work harder at scheduling time with the kids and fam. My sister and I are on another level. I continually have to pray for that relationship. So yeah it begins now with the realization that I probably kicked them to the curb a while ago.

And while I do want to get time in for myself, I don't want to come to family functions like a stranger. And I want my niece and nephew to know me. I'm currently in a process.

Girls with Dads

This post comes from listening to a conversation with a couple of my co-workers. One of them is getting married and she said soon her dad is going to hand all her bills to her husband. The other remarked that her dad already warned her boyfriend that he has to get her nails done. Mind blowing stuff to me. I was in awe and a little jealous at the same time.

Is that what dads do? I mean I have one, but he's always been pretty uninvolved. Love him, however parenting was not his strong suit. These are the dads who set expectations for how men should treat their daughters. Taught their daughters  what it feels like to be protected. Not to have a care that their dad didn't at least try to provide. That's not the case with me. Ok yeah, daddy issues....we all have 'em. But it set me up a lil differently. I didn't look to any man to provide, care or love me. If they tried, I wonder what's the motive? I did sometimes wish to have the dad who take the guy who was interested in me to the side and have a talk with him about his intentions.

Also I wonder are their dads setting them up for disappointment? Will they find men who live up to their father's standards. Because they know what to look for, are they able to miss the deadbeats? I know there's exceptions, but isn't it better to start off optimistic rather than suspicious?

Oh, I don't know. I know one thing though. The father of my children will be available well into their adult years. No choice what so ever.

I'm not really good at the whole dating thing. This is something I has become apparent to me in past few....years. Especially when I have no idea that one is happening. I don't know if it's me or that I place people in categories never to be removed from those boxes. Or that since I haven't been asked on a real date in many, many years I have no idea what one looks like. Or I don't expect certain men to see me like that. Or I don't see myself as dateable???

What it possibly boils down to is that I'm a head on collision type person. Don't leave any room for question. I need to know what you mean when you say what you're saying. And I don't assume.  Then I get surprised after I've analyzed the situation. Because that's what I do.

Welp, where does that leave me? I don't think this accidental dating thing should keep happening. But I have to admit the first time it was absolutely was not my fault. I can't keep not seeing things that are happening. However, I don't want to start assuming things. Hm.

Timeless debate

There's seems to always seem to be a debate among church people about secular music. Sin or not? And when it comes down to it, my personal stance is that no of course its not a sin to listen to secular music. But should it be the main form of music you listen to as a Christian? No, of course not. We have given our lives to God as a reasonable sacrifice for Him doing the same. Why wouldn't we listen to music about Him? Sing to Him? About Him? It makes sense to me that you would want to sing about the one you love.

My main reason for bringing up this topic is that church people always want to debate the issue so that they can be released to listen to secular music. But I wonder why is it such an issue? Would it be such a problem to listen to gospel or Christian music majority of the time? And why? There are as many varieties of Christian music as there are secular.

And if you as a Christian believe you will dwell with the Father, you will be glorifying Him all day anyway. And its all you will want to do. So really where's the beef? Oh wait, I know. You're tired of people saying you are not saved if you listen to secular music. Welp. That's really between you and the Father. And if  you don't fill your mind with thoughts that glorify Him, it won't be long before you aren't.

Bitter Sweet Good-byes

I didn’t get to write about this before, but there was a job I’d interviewed for last year and I was finally offered the position this year. I did write about last year being my hardest year financially. I was let go from my job, but I still had the responsibility of feeding myself and paying my rent. While I’m glad it gave me a reason to break free from retail and start looking for fulfillment in my career, it put a major strain on my finances. I really stepped out on faith throughout the whole ordeal.

The reason I feel I lost my job in the first place was because I was perhaps too honest with my employer. I’d already been through several interviews with that company and of course I thought it was only a matter of time before I was offered the position. So I felt confident enough to tell my District Manager at the time that I was looking for other opportunities. Lesson learned. I won’t ever do that again. Because after I did that, my DM began pressuring me about my last day and then finally just told me she would assign me one (Fired). Ultimately, the position I’d been interviewing for closed, but they told me to “keep in touch”. And here I was without a job. Filing for unemployment became a fight because they said I quit and I said I was fired. It took a month and half to get my unemployment. I’d been scraping by and borrowing money for my bills.

Then I got the bright idea to go back to the temp agency I’d worked for when I moved back to Tulsa after college. And that’s how I ended up here. In this wonderful office full of welcoming and wonderful people who totally spoiled me even as a temp. I loved it. But I always felt that this was temporary and I still had dreams about the other job. I told people I believe that job is mine.  I’d even had a dream I was working in that office.  I had other interviews, but nothing stuck with me like that place.

Even though I was happy with my work environment, I was ultimately bored with the actual work load and the position didn’t pay nearly enough for me to handle my financial obligations. I began asking my supervisor about a permanent position because I figured I would get an increase in pay once I became permanent. She told me she wasn’t sure about a permanent spot being available but would let me know and was pretty sure I wasn’t getting booted anytime soon.  With the uncertainty of my position here, I continued to look for other jobs and while searching on the internet one day I noticed that the position I’d interviewed for the previous year had become open again. So I got on the ball and emailed them. It began the meeting process once AGAIN.

And while I was having lunches and meetings with them the permanent offer came through at the temp job…. And the pay was only .50 higher than what I was making as a temp. Womp Womp. What to do? I didn’t know about the other job and it had fallen through once before. I didn’t want to turn this down and be without a job once again. My supervisor gave me the offer and I politely said, “I’m going to take this and think about it.” She was puzzled because I’d been asking for this for a couple months now and I didn’t jump at the chance to sign the offer letter.  Again, I was completely honest. I have a hard time lying, which is a good thing. And like the great person she is, she went through the pros and cons with me. A major con being how long they’ve made me wait. And after speaking with someone in the other office, I decided to accept the offer I was given. A month later, I was finally offered the position I’d been praying for.

So here I am on my last day of work.  It’s totally bitter sweet leaving here, but I’m leaving with great connections. It feels really good to leave a place on a good note.  I’ve never had that experience before. I always couldn’t wait to be done with a place. But I’ve gained more insight to what I do want and need in a career and was given time to figure that out. All in all God gets all the glory. That moment when realize that God has answered your prayers is very sobering. 

Wait a minute....

Something awesome that turned into something hilarious turned into something that had me in deep thought. In the office where I worked they have season tickets to the OKC Thunder games. I always thought this was really cool because I am a basketball fan, but I began there as a temp and I didn't want to overstep my boundaries by asking for any tickets. By the time I actually became a permanent employee all the tickets had been scooped up.

One day I get a call on my desk phone from one of my co-workers I joke around with occasionally asking if I wanted to join him, his girlfriend and another co-worker for a game because their 4th had dropped out. I was like yeah! I didn't think about the hour and a half ride down to OK City or even about kicking it with people I'd never hung out with outside of work. At the end of our call he says, "Don't worry, Steve is gonna pay for everything." And I'm thinking yeah right whatever.

Now the ride was fine. Everyone was trying to make the most of what little we had to talk about on the way. I  didn't feel pressured to make conversation, but I felt I should at least try to contribute.

What could I bring up that's in pop culture?

"Have you guys seen the ratchet girl anthem?" followed by me trying to explain with examples ending up looking like a stereotypical black chick.

Nope.

"Hey so did y'all see Whitney's funeral? What did you think?"

Nope. Um...

So I didn't say any of that stuff. But I tried to at least comment on things they were talking about.

OH did I forget to mention that I am the only black person in the car? A fact that I am increasingly becoming more aware of.

Then we get to the game and I try to forget that I look like the token black person in a group of non-blacks. The game was freaking awesome by the way as were our seats. I was just happy to be there. And I was having fun with Steve. Then when we decided to grab a bite to eat and I pulled out my wallet to pay and Steve said, "Oh, I got it." I felt a shift. Is this....a date?

Did I get bamboozled into a date? I think I did!

Walking back to the car after the game our other co-worker says, "Dude! Get her door!" More date like behavior. And guys even though I realized that this may have been a date I was still in Hanging with the Co Workers mode. And I was knocked out the entire way home.

As I got dropped off to my car, Steve hurried to get my door on his own this time and I said, "Well thanks for inviting me guys. That was so much fun. See you in the morning." Steve kinda hesitated like he didn't know whether to hug me or get my car door or what. It was weird.

So the next day my suspicions were confirmed by my supervisor when I said, "I kinda feel like it was a double date." She said,"Oh it was. You just didn't know about it." Excuse me?! Ok, just shake it off. It's fine.

And while I did have fun I think the game was a huge factor in it all. I was on cloud nine y'all! Even though I've always said I'm an equal opportunity dater, I've never really hung out with many other races like that. So as for dating, I've just never had that experience. But throughout the night I felt like I was almost holding back my true self. Which is a total no no. I can't live my life like that!

I mean, I'm in no way the most around the way girl if you know what I'm saying. However, I love black culture. I graduated from an HBCU. My high school was almost like a mini HBCU. I don't have ANY close white friends. Yet I love all people and am open to new things. I just feel that I have to be completely comfortable with a person who I am letting into my personal space. That cultural barrier is one that is just ONE MORE hill to get over on top of all the male - female stuff you gotta break down.

So I'm just wondering how is that these kind of relationships work? Could it be that this is just not for me?

Happy Valentine's Day

So this was a little different for me. Emotionally at least. I think a few years ago I realized that it was a waste of time being bitter about being single on Valentine's day. Also I heard myself complaining a few days ago and I got sick of it. I told God that I'ma quit complaining about being single. I know what He promised me and it's done. So no I didn't have any plans tonight, but I was super excited to watch Glee.

One thing that does help things is that my office is major ego booster. I work with majority men who are extremely sweet but mostly way older and/or taken. Which helps in two ways: they are used to the female species and aren't goofy jerks. One of my co-workers asked if I was doing anything tonight. I told him no. And he says 'what do you mean? You don't have guys knocking down your door?' I said, absolutely not. He said, 'I don't know what's wrong with guys, you're an amazing person!' Well  that's just stuff I can put in my pocket for a rainy day and its always nice to hear.

So for now I'm cool with my circumstances. Nothing spectacular about this day, but it wasn't disappointing either. Therefore, I can look forward to better days and continue to appreciate those who are in my life right now.

Whitney

Music is an extremely powerful gift. It's surrounded me my whole life. So much so it baffles me that some people don't feel as attached to it as I do. So to me, Whitney was like an Auntie. In fact she reminded me of one of my favorite cousins who will always embody her beauty to me. Her music not only swept me away but helped to train my young voice. Even if I couldn't always reach those soprano notes, it stretched me. Performing "I'm your baby tonight" for my stuffed animals taught me stage presence.

Even though, I gave up performance in my youth Whitney's voice is unmatched. There would be good ones, but nothing like this. I was listening to "You give good love" not too long ago and was thinking 'This woman is a beast'. It's amazing how she just reached up into the sky with no warning and snatched some ridiculous notes.

So when I heard about her death my heart sank. Even days later it seems unreal. I've never been a person to put a celebrity or anyone on a pedestal. But this one hit me. I didn't know her as a person, but she was human like any other. I appreciate her artistry and am truly saddened about these circumstances.

Now I feel like going out and buying all her music.

Update for 2012

Believe it or not I have been writing. I have several posts that I'm going to try and release periodically. But last year ended with a bang and this year began with one. First off, I'm glad 2011 is over. It ended my career in retail and bondage to the mall. The first year I've been on my own and unemployed. Probably one of the most financially stressful years of my life. Through it all God has been really good. I feel like I've grown spiritually. I've gained some new revelations about myself and matured. I've got a new group of homegirls, S/O to the Legendary Ruth Crew as one of my followers coined us. I've opened myself up to the possibilities of a romantic relationship although no one has crossed my path just yet. It's all about being open first. Then after exploring what field of work I would like to go into next I began to ponder the possibility of going back to school. Also there have been several projects in which I would love to put some extra time into and continue developing my business sensibility. So I feel like this year is going to be one of the most productive years I've ever had. I'm looking forward to new relationships, business ventures and experiences. And technically this is the my last year in my 20's. Time to go out with a bang and give 30 a round house kick to the forehead!

Hope for the Nation

I was reading an article on a site that lately I frequent often Clutch Magazine. The title Are we too smart for that old time religion?  Made me want to see what the content of the article was because I am a believer. And while several things stuck out to me there was one particular quote that struck me. A professor of religion from blah university stated Black people are “worse off because of our allegiance to theism. We have seen suffering as a mark of closeness to God.” The consensus of the professor’s argument is there no use for God now that we have advanced so much as a people with education and opportunities granted to us through civil rights.

Now this is where I step in. For many years I believe the church has been trying to redefine religion and educate believers on what the difference is. Religion is tradition, rituals and obligations. It has very little to do with belief or relationship with the Creator. I will never forget hearing Myles Monroe teach at a conference and say that (I’ll paraphrase) Jesus never came to bring a religion. In fact he was tearing down religious mindsets left and right. I’ve heard many sermons preached about coming against religion and yet what I was reading in the comments section was not only the defiance of Christ but of God altogether.

Several people brought up that they tried to wrestle with the Bible, found it to be confusing and decided it did not and would not apply to their lives. Where they had a problem is having Christian values forced upon them without their say so. For example, prayer in schools and such. But what if I have a problem with homosexuality being taught as a viable lifestyle in the schools? Do I have a say so? You don’t want to hear my Gospel music in the car, but I don’t want to hear your music about sex, drugs and immorality.

We will never come to a peaceful resolution because at the core of it, we don’t agree. However, I do have sympathy for those who have never allowed themselves to surrender enough to know the Lord. It’s seriously the best feeling ever and life. We all will have hard times, but it’s better to have peace in the middle of it all. At this point in my life, I have seen enough of the good and bad to know I could never deny the existence of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit nor Their activity in my life. And believe me, I’m one of those inquisitive people who asks the deeeeep questions of life. I was not even raised in the church. But every time I have a question about life, God finds a way to answer it or give me peace in not knowing absolutely EVERYTHING.  By all accounts I probably should not be a member of the church. I like to explore a broad spectrum of life. I research everything I’m curious about. If I like a CD I read all the liner notes, the lyrics, the artists’ biography everything. I love information. However, when I got to a very dark place in my life and I said God, I can’t take this and I can’t do it on my own. I’m all in. He walked me through the process. He made me secure in Him and myself.  I know He’s real.

We can pick the Bible apart together. You can ask questions and get the answers. But at heart of it, you will believe what you want. I’m not delusional. I’ve seen the workings and miracles of God firsthand. I have seen the manifestation of demons before my eyes. I know which side I want to belong to. And while I would love for everyone to know Him just as I do, I know that may never happen. And because this is America and everyone is entitled to their opinion, I don’t argue with non-believers. But I am here as a testament of Christ and I stand on what I know.

Homeless

So I had mishap last night. I had been staying at a friends' because it was close to work. I went back last night to get my things and pay their rent. They live in a triplex so their landlord lives next door. I'd gotten all my things together and the last thing I had to do was slip the rent in the door slot. Well I closed the door behind me and you guessed it, it locked.

First thought, knock on the door. Surely, the landlord will open the door and unlock it for you. No answer. Second, try the other apt. No answer. So after ringing door bells and knocking on doors for I don't know how long, I started to wonder what I would do. What numbers I actually remembered off the top of my head that were relevant.

Dialogue from my head:

Well I could just wait out here until they get back. I'm glad I wore a jacket. Oh my goodness! What if she's gone out of town? WHY ARE HER LIGHTS STILL ON? I don't know where I could walk without a bunch of homeless, scary looking people around. How am I gonna get Ashley from the airport on Monday? Her keys are in my car too. My keys are in the freaking house!

Like what would you do if you suddenly had no cell phone, no transportation, no access to your house because the person with your spare key is out of town? I was the definition of screwed. So I went to the neighbors house who was having some kind of girls' night and was about to head out for the night. I asked if she had the landlord's number, which luckily she did but unluckily it went straight to voicemail.  I called my sister, who also thankfully has a spare to my car. I wasn't totally locked out from my possessions. But I wondered how would I get to my own house or if my apt office would even be open on Christmas Eve. To make an already long story short, thank God that there's one more person who has keys to this place and she's meeting me today.

I wasn't homeless for long and for that I'm grateful. How are your survival skills?

Your gift will make room for you

I spent half the day a couple of Saturdays ago sangin. And when I say sangin I mean belting out notes like I never have before even when I was alone. I don't call myself a singer because I've never taken the time to develop this particular gift. It gave me an appreciation for those who practice, train their voices and take care of their vocal chords. And it showed me that I also that I do not want to sing for a living. However, it’s on my list of goals to start developing more of my natural gifts and talents. I had planned on having an actual day every week to publish a blog, but somewhere along the way my social life took off!

Anyway, after all of that I realized that I'd never pushed myself that hard in all the years I've been singing. There are a lot of things I never pushed myself to do or develop and I’m thinking its left me in a revolving state of apathy. So many things I could do, but don’t. Would I be more fulfilled if I worked harder? How high could I reach if I put in more time?

Even in high school I was involved with many activities, but I sailed through most of them. I got a 3.0, not even trying. Graduated from college and hardly worked to my potential. As I look back, I could get really disappointed. But I really want to learn from this. Come out of the hole of complacency. To tell you the truth, before Christ I had no ambition to do anything. NONE. I did what I thought I should do and clearly not to the best of my ability.

This seems to be a common theme in my life. I feel like the wrong one in the parable of the talents. You know, the one that buried his talents (Matthew25:14-28). But why have I buried them? That parable says he buried what he was given out of fear. Now we’re getting somewhere. Although, my reason for not shooting for the stars before was a lack of ambition, now the excuse has to be fear.

So what is the solution? Well for me it began with outlining goals. And that was something that was recently done. Next in the plan is creating discipline. This is especially hard for a go with the flow type of person like me. Waking up early when I don’t have a clear reason to. Cleaning EVERYDAY. Studying when there’s no visible test in front of me. Tuning in to hear the Lord when I’m not fasting.  And for real, sometimes I totally feel like I have ADD because I have the hardest time focusing and concentrating when I’m not busy.

I’ve got lots of excuses as to why I haven’t done what I can. I’ve read the books on purpose and I’m still trying to mentally get to the point where I believe I actually can reach those goals. Yeah, it’s a process. I’m positive every time I post a blog that I chose the right name for it. Where do we go from here? To the moon!!!

Moving Forward

So my plan was to get back into my writing and post a blog every week. BUT there a lil snafu in the plans since I don't have easy access to the internet at the time.

A little bit of an update: I started a temp job and since I had been out of work for about a month and a half, it feels really good to have somewhere to go and something to do everyday that doesn't eat into my nights and weekends. While I had all that time to gather my thoughts and figure out where I would go from here (my life story), it gave me time to seek God in what to do and where to direct my attention.

I'm completely changing careers which I've found that as hard as it is to get without any experience it may be harder or just as hard to break into a field after you've had years of experience in one area. My advice to those who are trying to break out of their box is focus on those universal skills you gained that can be used anywhere.

What God also revealed to me was my lack of trust in Him to provide and where it stemmed from. I tell you what, I was shocked. So now begins the process of digging up the root of that mistrust. My church has begun a fast this month and you would think this would be the perfect opportunity to dig into this issue. Yeah well lemme be honest. This has been one of the hardest fasts for me. Everyday I'm just wanting to give up. It's totally been a battle.

But during my time off I gained a fire to develop my things that are on my goals list. If nothing else, I've began to utilize my time more wisely. Started to pay attention to my finances so I will never again be in the same position. Mils told me about a book called the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and has heard great things about it from others. It's in my Amazon shopping cart as we speak.


So.....Where do we go from here? There's one place to go. Forward.

Generation Gap?

From what I'm told, I don't "look" my age. But honestly, I don't think people know what people my age look like. I think they're expecting something else. Anywho, I looked up one day and all of my close friends are 4+ years younger than I am. This is fine because I don’t think I look like the odd older chick trying to stay relevant with the kids.


Plus we are in the same stage of life; Single, post-college career women with no children. However, they are not as far removed from college as I am. It’s OK for them to have friends in college and date college age men. Not so much for me. I guess my question is: Where are my peers? And more importantly: where are the men my age?


They all can't be married with children.... Although most of my classmates I know are. As far as age is concerned I don't see myself going much younger than 24-25 or older than 33. I've read about women dating younger men. Does it really work? I don't really know any in real life. My dad is 3 years younger than my mom and that didn't end well. But in my eyes my dad is probably younger than I am....so that doesn't say much for older men either. Hm.


Welp. I'm sure folks would say don't concentrate too much on age, it’s all about maturity. Kinda like in the retail world we would tell women it’s not about the size of the dress, but about the fit. This is totally true. Some women won't even try on a bigger size because of the number in it. Because it represents something they never wanted to identify with themselves. But what they fail to realize is that companies manufacture things differently. An ill-fitting garment can look worse than if you had just gone up a size. I hope that metaphor came across well. I said all that to say, it’s not about the number. However, that doesn't mean it’s going to feel comfortable.


I can't see myself dating a 22 year old. But I would be willing to go for it once just to prove myself right.

Short end of the stick

To put the issue to bed once and for all, I'm writing a response to a twitter discussion that involved quite a few people I know. A question sparked it all: As a tall woman, would you date a short man?


My response is no. It’s not for me. My reasoning? I'm simply not attracted to shorter men. There is not one shorter man than I could have seen myself being in a relationship with. Nor do I care to. The men involved in the discussion began to ask, 'You would turn down a perfectly good man just because of height?' To me that’s like asking a man, 'You would turn down a perfectly good woman because she's light skinned or flat chested or thick?' A question of prejudice? A matter of preference or is it a requirement? Whatever it may be, there's no changing my mind.


Now some of my tall sisters brought up being able to feel secure if their man is taller than them. And some said that it was the men that became insecure dating a taller woman. But while I was writing this I began to wonder, am I secure enough to date a short man? The answer is a swift and quick: NO. And that's not something I'm interested in building up my self esteem to do. Especially when I don't have to.


I am above average for a woman standing 5 feet 8 inches tall. I am taller than most men I come across especially with my heels on and I ain't stepping off my stilettos for nobody. I prefer my men to be taller. No, I'm not saying that just because you're tall that I will be interested. That's simply the first step. Now am I cutting myself off from a sea of men because of their height? Am I doomed to be single because I don't want to be able to put my arm around my man’s shoulders? Well if you think those are the consequences, just know that I thirst for no man and refuse to settle just to have one. I read that God will provide the desires of my heart if I delight myself in Him. Trust me, I'm delighted.


Matchmaker Paul C. Brunson says height is what most women he comes across site as a ’non-starter'. Or something that automatically cuts a man from their dating pool. He mentions that there are on 14% of the male population that are over 6 ft tall. He obviously feels that in the world of matchmaking women are selling themselves short (no pun intended). However, I feel that 14% is more than enough for me. I only need ONE. I tend to look on the bright side of things.


Therefore I don't believe I'm missing out just because of my preference (requirement). I am simply aware of what I like.

A house is not a home....

...... until you decorate it and put pictures up.

People like to think because I like fashion and know how to put an outfit together that somehow that equates to interior decoration. Not so much. It takes more of a commitment to put a room together than it does to put an outfit together. I mean you’re gonna look at that room day after day. If I don’t like my outfit I can tweak here and or change it all together because well I’ve got lots of clothes. However, I don’t have lots of furniture and drapery to interchange. So whatever I decide on has to stick.

I just moved into a new apt. I said I didn’t decorate my last apt because I didn’t like it. Truth is I didn’t really like it and I’m not that good at it. But I promised in this upgrade of an apt that I would get my grown woman on and actually put pictures on the wall. Right now I’m still in the concept and color picking stage but at least I’m thinking about it.

This speaks to other areas of my life. I’m a lil commitment phobic. It’s probably the reason why I’m not in a relationship and why I’ve never gotten a tattoo.  Stability is a foreign concept to me. I admire it, but have not really experienced it firsthand. Being a child of divorce and having moved around quite a bit in my early years has given me the itch to change things every two years. My pastor said just last night that you have to change the script you’ve been given in life. I believe recognizing there’s an issue is the first step.

I would love to be at a job for 10 years. Not because I have to, but because I love it. There’s a reason my blog is called Where do we go from here. I’m constantly asking what the next step is.  So this house decorating is all in preparation for the next step. And I’m getting rid of my phobia and settling in. Not only to help with my commitment issues, but also because my family is tired of helping me move.

Unexpected Vacation

Well there's so much to say...which has kept me from writing in the first place. I've been on a lil vacation of sorts.    I knew I would be leaving my job soon, but it certainly didn't happen the way I thought it would. And to put it lightly, I was released from my duties. I was prepared to fight at first and when I saw there was nothing I could to say to change things. I let go. This is definitely a first for me. It was like the first time I failed a class. Being the type of person who was used to doing things well and being praised for them, the fact that someone found fault in my work was hard to accept.

But then there came the peace of God. Letting me know that everything was going to work out for my good. And what I've come to find is that maybe I settled so much in that job because it was comfortable I wouldn't have left without having been forced out. So with no restrictions or obligations, I've allowed myself to be open to whatever is available to be done. Being there to help with my church or help my friend move or go out of town to see my family wouldn't have happened if I didn't have this time available.

And it came in perfect timing for me to attend Word Explosion which is a yearly conference held here in Tulsa. I feel so much more empowered by going this year.

I do have a position that I am interviewing for and I feel really good about it. It has not come without a fight. Whereas I thought it came really easily at first, it has been a test of persistence. Never underestimate the power of persistence.

Now the vacation is coming to a close and I still have lots to do. Here we go!

What keeps me going

There are somethings I will miss about my current position. Although they may be few, they have kept me going.

1. My customers are THE best. I've been in retail for almost 6 years now and I've never had customers that I've connected to in this way. They are considerate, funny, interesting and we've shared quite a bit of time together. I'm even considering inviting all of my regulars to a farewell dinner once I find out my start date.

2. Seeing the new stuff come in before everyone else. There's something about getting that exclusive look.

3. The discount of course. It's a gift and a curse. You know why.

4. And oh yeah it's my only source of  exercise. I think I walk about 3 miles a day (No lie). All the lifting and bending and such. I guess I'ma have to find me a gym...

Single life

So I feel like I'm getting prepared. I'm in training and everything is a lesson. I'm taking notes. I'm listening close and I'm getting chastised for my mistakes. This is what the Lord has been showing me.

Don't waste your time. God is purposeful and everything should be used especially your time. People are important and should be treated as such. Respect people and their feelings. Know your boundaries and what you will and won't accept. Know why you're doing things. Pay attention to your connections and what they are to teach you. Be careful who you connect yourself and your purpose to. Push past your limitations. Pray about everything. Reach for your goals and achieve them. 

Looking back

Here's a list of the things I will not miss about my current job.

1. Working nights and weekends- This is when everybody does stuff. I'm not completely anti-social. I'm not extremely non-committal. I just have to work every time people plan stuff and everyone else is off.

2.The temptation- I work in my favorite clothing store, therefore I love everything that comes in. It's putting a dent in my bank account. I gotta move into a bigger apt to fit all my clothes.

3. Being on my feet all day- Although working there has been an everyday work out, I will be ok with starting at a gym.

4. Listening to music that I didn't request- There are some songs on the playlist that I really detest. (that rhymes lol!)

5. Cleaning up a place more than I clean my apt. - People are nasty.

6. Waiting for a relief person in order to leave- Some people just can't be on time.

7. Being asked to ask the same questions again and again

8. If I had a nemesis, her name would be M____ She ALWAYS comes in with a return.

9. People who don't know how to read their receipts or store marketing.

10. People who don't want to come to work.