Finally hitting home

I'm finally starting to realize that I will be leaving here soon. It kind of amazes me how I react to things. Right now when everyone I know from Hampton is leaving to go home for Christmas break, I'm starting to think about that when they come back I won't be here. It is the end of an era. In some ways I have been ready for this era to come to an end for a while, but I cannot lie I am a lil sad. I refuse to cry though. While living here I've cried enough to last me a couple years. I'm looking forward to not crying for a while.

But of course most people don't know I cry. Most people think I handle things with as little emotion as possible. In public view this is true. But on the inside I feel things hard. You can't allow people to see all those things. People already view me as an sweet, innocent person who doesn't get angry or sad, who is content with whatever happens to me. Maybe I don't do anything to fight this image of myself. Is it better to look like someone who is OK with what happens to her or show that she is obviously emotionally flawed? By no means do I say that I don't have feelings, obviously I do. But do I have to let everyone else know that? Yes I know some people who have a problem with the way I handle my situations. Tiff says I should go to the Starting Over house to deal with my issues of confrontation. In the theory of fight or flight, I would be the one who flies if she can, fights if she has to. I had to say bye to some of my close friends this weekend. I'm surprised at how sad I was not. Should I be sad? Perhaps if someone acted as if they were sad to see me go I would be sad. I dropped a tear because Adrianne began to tear up. Mostly everyone else has been like, Holla, see you when I see you! Maybe they are being strong for me. Is it helping? Eh, not really. I don't know how I should handle this good-bye. Get all the emotion out and be sad for a couple months or be strong, go out like a soldier and suck it up. I think I'll choose the latter for this situation. It's easier that way. Besides I know the people that matter are going to be there for life. I'm not afraid of losing them. The ones that I never see again, it obviously just wasn't meant.


Reflecting back on my 4+ years its been great, horrible, beautiful, peaceful, blessed, stressed, fun, scary, tiring, exciting, just about anything you can think of. Just as life should be. I hope that I don't look back on these years as the best years of my life. Even though they have been great.

On the same note, everyone is so surprised that I'm not going home for Christmas. Like its the worst thing that could ever happen. I just don't see why its so detrimental. I mean everyone acts like its more important to be home for a holiday than at any other time. I mean the audacity of some folks to just come out say. "You're going to be so miserable." Who says that? I just figured I'll be there in January so what's the big deal? I love my family more than anything and yes we have great times during the holidays, but I'm just not stressing it. I'm on my way folks and I'll get through this holiday just fine. Don't be rushing me!


Now that I got that off my chest, I feel a lil better.