Dreamin

Tiff asked me if I could do anything and money was no object what would I do? I was like uhh Iono pay my bills and go shopping…? She said that’s it? And I’m thinking, Yeah. You don’t know how hard it was to reach beyond the reality of my situation. I haven’t dreamed about anything in a long time. I’ve been going with the flow for so long that I’ve allowed myself to end up in some places that I don’t want to be. When I was little I wanted to do so much but in reality it really wasn’t possible. My parents weren’t the encouraging type. They were more the ‘I’m just trying to keep a roof over your head so deal with what we have’ type. I may have wanted to dance, but there was no way to get to or pay for classes. I’ve been singing in one way or another since the fourth grade and I sorta just quit when I got to college because I knew it was not something I wanted to pursue. I’ve got a decent voice and with practice, it could be pretty but I’m not the attention seeking type.

God has given me many artistic gifts and I’ve not wanted to use any of them for a career. Why? I think its because careers in art are so unpredictable plus you have to be ultra talented to be noticed and I don’t think I really believed in my talent. I know in my head that I’m good at a lot of things but in my heart the desire is just not there. I think of that song that says ‘With our gifts we exalt thee’ and I think if I wanted to be a fashion designer could I exalt God with my clothes? When I thought of a “Christian occupation”, I thought would have to be a missionary working with kids or the elderly in Africa. But if I really wanted to give God the glory it would be best to do something that I’m interested in: fashion. Let’s face people clothes are getting out of control and teen clothing is getting way too grown. I could do it.

Anyway, after that conversation, I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to do without a limit and I found I have more dreams than I thought. I wrote a five year goal list and a one year goal list to get my motivation started. I envy ambition. I’m working on getting some. At one point, I could honestly say I had NONE. No goals, ambition or dreams. I never had plan before. I didn’t even see myself graduating from college, but I did it with honors. Now that I think about it, since I had no plan I’m in a place where I don’t want to be. Because I now realize that, I don’t plan on being somewhere I don’t want to be for long. I’m using my situation to my advantage. It’s a new me.