Do you have the time?

Lately I've been trying to be more consistent and orderly in my life. Balancing my check book, making sure I get certain things done daily. And as I continue get more things in order, it feels like my life is filling up. I want to make time for certain things and people. But it feels like if I add one more thing and another and another and then I won't have time for me. I value my alone time. I enjoy my time alone. I'm a self admitted loner.

However, this year which started off with a bang has kept me more busy than I possibly have ever been. Now compared to other peoples' lives I'm sure it doesn't seen like much. I don't have children, school or a relationship to deal with but my life is pretty full. The more you grow in God there's a huge focus on relationships and maintaining any healthy relationship takes what? Time.

I've started a new job and I'm realizing if I want to be successful its going to take more of a commitment than just your regular work day hours. I have friends that I actually like hanging out with. Church commitments that I feel that I have no reason not to be apart of especially as a service to the body. I honestly feel like my family has fallen out the loop in all of this. I'm working on getting them in the rotation.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family. My sister and I have been on rocky terms since birth, but I would do anything for her whether she knows it or not. My niece and nephew are my heart. My mom is the greatest. But we live in the same city and at times it feels as if I could be back in VA and see them the same amount of time. I take my blame in all this. I could work harder at scheduling time with the kids and fam. My sister and I are on another level. I continually have to pray for that relationship. So yeah it begins now with the realization that I probably kicked them to the curb a while ago.

And while I do want to get time in for myself, I don't want to come to family functions like a stranger. And I want my niece and nephew to know me. I'm currently in a process.

Girls with Dads

This post comes from listening to a conversation with a couple of my co-workers. One of them is getting married and she said soon her dad is going to hand all her bills to her husband. The other remarked that her dad already warned her boyfriend that he has to get her nails done. Mind blowing stuff to me. I was in awe and a little jealous at the same time.

Is that what dads do? I mean I have one, but he's always been pretty uninvolved. Love him, however parenting was not his strong suit. These are the dads who set expectations for how men should treat their daughters. Taught their daughters  what it feels like to be protected. Not to have a care that their dad didn't at least try to provide. That's not the case with me. Ok yeah, daddy issues....we all have 'em. But it set me up a lil differently. I didn't look to any man to provide, care or love me. If they tried, I wonder what's the motive? I did sometimes wish to have the dad who take the guy who was interested in me to the side and have a talk with him about his intentions.

Also I wonder are their dads setting them up for disappointment? Will they find men who live up to their father's standards. Because they know what to look for, are they able to miss the deadbeats? I know there's exceptions, but isn't it better to start off optimistic rather than suspicious?

Oh, I don't know. I know one thing though. The father of my children will be available well into their adult years. No choice what so ever.

I'm not really good at the whole dating thing. This is something I has become apparent to me in past few....years. Especially when I have no idea that one is happening. I don't know if it's me or that I place people in categories never to be removed from those boxes. Or that since I haven't been asked on a real date in many, many years I have no idea what one looks like. Or I don't expect certain men to see me like that. Or I don't see myself as dateable???

What it possibly boils down to is that I'm a head on collision type person. Don't leave any room for question. I need to know what you mean when you say what you're saying. And I don't assume.  Then I get surprised after I've analyzed the situation. Because that's what I do.

Welp, where does that leave me? I don't think this accidental dating thing should keep happening. But I have to admit the first time it was absolutely was not my fault. I can't keep not seeing things that are happening. However, I don't want to start assuming things. Hm.

Timeless debate

There's seems to always seem to be a debate among church people about secular music. Sin or not? And when it comes down to it, my personal stance is that no of course its not a sin to listen to secular music. But should it be the main form of music you listen to as a Christian? No, of course not. We have given our lives to God as a reasonable sacrifice for Him doing the same. Why wouldn't we listen to music about Him? Sing to Him? About Him? It makes sense to me that you would want to sing about the one you love.

My main reason for bringing up this topic is that church people always want to debate the issue so that they can be released to listen to secular music. But I wonder why is it such an issue? Would it be such a problem to listen to gospel or Christian music majority of the time? And why? There are as many varieties of Christian music as there are secular.

And if you as a Christian believe you will dwell with the Father, you will be glorifying Him all day anyway. And its all you will want to do. So really where's the beef? Oh wait, I know. You're tired of people saying you are not saved if you listen to secular music. Welp. That's really between you and the Father. And if  you don't fill your mind with thoughts that glorify Him, it won't be long before you aren't.

Bitter Sweet Good-byes

I didn’t get to write about this before, but there was a job I’d interviewed for last year and I was finally offered the position this year. I did write about last year being my hardest year financially. I was let go from my job, but I still had the responsibility of feeding myself and paying my rent. While I’m glad it gave me a reason to break free from retail and start looking for fulfillment in my career, it put a major strain on my finances. I really stepped out on faith throughout the whole ordeal.

The reason I feel I lost my job in the first place was because I was perhaps too honest with my employer. I’d already been through several interviews with that company and of course I thought it was only a matter of time before I was offered the position. So I felt confident enough to tell my District Manager at the time that I was looking for other opportunities. Lesson learned. I won’t ever do that again. Because after I did that, my DM began pressuring me about my last day and then finally just told me she would assign me one (Fired). Ultimately, the position I’d been interviewing for closed, but they told me to “keep in touch”. And here I was without a job. Filing for unemployment became a fight because they said I quit and I said I was fired. It took a month and half to get my unemployment. I’d been scraping by and borrowing money for my bills.

Then I got the bright idea to go back to the temp agency I’d worked for when I moved back to Tulsa after college. And that’s how I ended up here. In this wonderful office full of welcoming and wonderful people who totally spoiled me even as a temp. I loved it. But I always felt that this was temporary and I still had dreams about the other job. I told people I believe that job is mine.  I’d even had a dream I was working in that office.  I had other interviews, but nothing stuck with me like that place.

Even though I was happy with my work environment, I was ultimately bored with the actual work load and the position didn’t pay nearly enough for me to handle my financial obligations. I began asking my supervisor about a permanent position because I figured I would get an increase in pay once I became permanent. She told me she wasn’t sure about a permanent spot being available but would let me know and was pretty sure I wasn’t getting booted anytime soon.  With the uncertainty of my position here, I continued to look for other jobs and while searching on the internet one day I noticed that the position I’d interviewed for the previous year had become open again. So I got on the ball and emailed them. It began the meeting process once AGAIN.

And while I was having lunches and meetings with them the permanent offer came through at the temp job…. And the pay was only .50 higher than what I was making as a temp. Womp Womp. What to do? I didn’t know about the other job and it had fallen through once before. I didn’t want to turn this down and be without a job once again. My supervisor gave me the offer and I politely said, “I’m going to take this and think about it.” She was puzzled because I’d been asking for this for a couple months now and I didn’t jump at the chance to sign the offer letter.  Again, I was completely honest. I have a hard time lying, which is a good thing. And like the great person she is, she went through the pros and cons with me. A major con being how long they’ve made me wait. And after speaking with someone in the other office, I decided to accept the offer I was given. A month later, I was finally offered the position I’d been praying for.

So here I am on my last day of work.  It’s totally bitter sweet leaving here, but I’m leaving with great connections. It feels really good to leave a place on a good note.  I’ve never had that experience before. I always couldn’t wait to be done with a place. But I’ve gained more insight to what I do want and need in a career and was given time to figure that out. All in all God gets all the glory. That moment when realize that God has answered your prayers is very sobering. 

Wait a minute....

Something awesome that turned into something hilarious turned into something that had me in deep thought. In the office where I worked they have season tickets to the OKC Thunder games. I always thought this was really cool because I am a basketball fan, but I began there as a temp and I didn't want to overstep my boundaries by asking for any tickets. By the time I actually became a permanent employee all the tickets had been scooped up.

One day I get a call on my desk phone from one of my co-workers I joke around with occasionally asking if I wanted to join him, his girlfriend and another co-worker for a game because their 4th had dropped out. I was like yeah! I didn't think about the hour and a half ride down to OK City or even about kicking it with people I'd never hung out with outside of work. At the end of our call he says, "Don't worry, Steve is gonna pay for everything." And I'm thinking yeah right whatever.

Now the ride was fine. Everyone was trying to make the most of what little we had to talk about on the way. I  didn't feel pressured to make conversation, but I felt I should at least try to contribute.

What could I bring up that's in pop culture?

"Have you guys seen the ratchet girl anthem?" followed by me trying to explain with examples ending up looking like a stereotypical black chick.

Nope.

"Hey so did y'all see Whitney's funeral? What did you think?"

Nope. Um...

So I didn't say any of that stuff. But I tried to at least comment on things they were talking about.

OH did I forget to mention that I am the only black person in the car? A fact that I am increasingly becoming more aware of.

Then we get to the game and I try to forget that I look like the token black person in a group of non-blacks. The game was freaking awesome by the way as were our seats. I was just happy to be there. And I was having fun with Steve. Then when we decided to grab a bite to eat and I pulled out my wallet to pay and Steve said, "Oh, I got it." I felt a shift. Is this....a date?

Did I get bamboozled into a date? I think I did!

Walking back to the car after the game our other co-worker says, "Dude! Get her door!" More date like behavior. And guys even though I realized that this may have been a date I was still in Hanging with the Co Workers mode. And I was knocked out the entire way home.

As I got dropped off to my car, Steve hurried to get my door on his own this time and I said, "Well thanks for inviting me guys. That was so much fun. See you in the morning." Steve kinda hesitated like he didn't know whether to hug me or get my car door or what. It was weird.

So the next day my suspicions were confirmed by my supervisor when I said, "I kinda feel like it was a double date." She said,"Oh it was. You just didn't know about it." Excuse me?! Ok, just shake it off. It's fine.

And while I did have fun I think the game was a huge factor in it all. I was on cloud nine y'all! Even though I've always said I'm an equal opportunity dater, I've never really hung out with many other races like that. So as for dating, I've just never had that experience. But throughout the night I felt like I was almost holding back my true self. Which is a total no no. I can't live my life like that!

I mean, I'm in no way the most around the way girl if you know what I'm saying. However, I love black culture. I graduated from an HBCU. My high school was almost like a mini HBCU. I don't have ANY close white friends. Yet I love all people and am open to new things. I just feel that I have to be completely comfortable with a person who I am letting into my personal space. That cultural barrier is one that is just ONE MORE hill to get over on top of all the male - female stuff you gotta break down.

So I'm just wondering how is that these kind of relationships work? Could it be that this is just not for me?

Happy Valentine's Day

So this was a little different for me. Emotionally at least. I think a few years ago I realized that it was a waste of time being bitter about being single on Valentine's day. Also I heard myself complaining a few days ago and I got sick of it. I told God that I'ma quit complaining about being single. I know what He promised me and it's done. So no I didn't have any plans tonight, but I was super excited to watch Glee.

One thing that does help things is that my office is major ego booster. I work with majority men who are extremely sweet but mostly way older and/or taken. Which helps in two ways: they are used to the female species and aren't goofy jerks. One of my co-workers asked if I was doing anything tonight. I told him no. And he says 'what do you mean? You don't have guys knocking down your door?' I said, absolutely not. He said, 'I don't know what's wrong with guys, you're an amazing person!' Well  that's just stuff I can put in my pocket for a rainy day and its always nice to hear.

So for now I'm cool with my circumstances. Nothing spectacular about this day, but it wasn't disappointing either. Therefore, I can look forward to better days and continue to appreciate those who are in my life right now.

Whitney

Music is an extremely powerful gift. It's surrounded me my whole life. So much so it baffles me that some people don't feel as attached to it as I do. So to me, Whitney was like an Auntie. In fact she reminded me of one of my favorite cousins who will always embody her beauty to me. Her music not only swept me away but helped to train my young voice. Even if I couldn't always reach those soprano notes, it stretched me. Performing "I'm your baby tonight" for my stuffed animals taught me stage presence.

Even though, I gave up performance in my youth Whitney's voice is unmatched. There would be good ones, but nothing like this. I was listening to "You give good love" not too long ago and was thinking 'This woman is a beast'. It's amazing how she just reached up into the sky with no warning and snatched some ridiculous notes.

So when I heard about her death my heart sank. Even days later it seems unreal. I've never been a person to put a celebrity or anyone on a pedestal. But this one hit me. I didn't know her as a person, but she was human like any other. I appreciate her artistry and am truly saddened about these circumstances.

Now I feel like going out and buying all her music.